Showing posts with label self respect. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self respect. Show all posts
Sunday, March 17, 2013
this is a continuation of my previous blog:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
A must hear:
Where does Self-Judgment come from – from the World around us, or from our own Imaginations?
Has your Self Image negatively influenced your life? Here we discuss How Self Judgment takes over every aspect of your Life, Thoughts and experiences.
Why would we say things to ourselves that we would never dare to say to another?
Why do we feel like we deserve to be punished through our own self judgment and how does the media contribute to this feeling?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a priority list and then spend my time doing other things for my enjoyment as entertainment / socializing and not get to the priority list that I have made for myself as self support in directing myself to know what I need to do, thus existing in separation within and as myself as, in one moment I am directive and place my tasks nicely prioritized in a list, and the next moment I ignore it, as myself, completely, and don't do that which I intended to do, but instead occupy myself with other stuff, just wasting the minutes of the day away, to then suddenly "remember" that I had made this list and didn't attend to it, and so I judge myself and experience a low as feeling bad for not doing what I intended to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a split personality, in separation of / as myself, where in one moment I am here, I know what I need to do, I know what must be done, I know how I want to direct myself, and then, the next moment I completely disregard myself and the tasks that I have decided to attend to, and do "what I feel like" as satisfying my momentary desire / laziness to then once the moment has past, to regret losing all this time, in realizing that I cannot get this time back, and feel bad for wasting another day of not walking in the path I had intended for myself, but rather allowed myself to be distracted, fooled, by the mind as desire / distractions / laziness, thus, not allowing myself to actually follow through within / as self direction, but always intending to direct myself but then giving up and following my mind.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the extent of self sabotage within allowing myself to continue participating within / as this construct, where I experience a high as I am making the decision to walk and do specific tasks that I have placed as priority, and then experience indifference as I follow the mind as avoidance / distraction as to not do that which I intended to do, to then experience a low as feeling bad, guilty and ashamed for not following through with what I had decided / committed myself to do, within creating another experience as another layer of belief that I am not good enough, am incapable, am inadequate and so on…
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that as long as I allow myself to follow the energetic addiction of the mind, as allowing myself to go through energetic ups and downs, I will never be self directive, I will never be able to trust myself, for as long as I follow the energy I am living only as self interest, when in fact I am not even serving my own interest, because it always ends in feeling bad about myself, and so I allow myself to follow the momentary self interest just like a junky wanting to get another hit from their drug, to then crash, feel I miserable, to then after the low has past, to forget the cycle and go through it all over again, like a rat in a wheel, running in the same spot for ever and ever, never accomplishing anything and not knowing how to get myself out of this loop.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not know how to get out of this loop, when in fact I do know, and thus I am only using the belief of "I don’t know how" as another form of self manipulation to keep myself trapped in this cycle of self misery and underachievement / accomplishment, not in my own best interest in common sense as an actual practical decision made in stability, but rather as an addict, making the decision to hit again, even though I know the consequences will be of self abuse and suffering, as regret and shame, yet I continue and ignore myself, disregarding myself as a living being that deserves to enjoy life, to honor and respect myself, and continue following the path of the drug, in total self sabotage, braking myself down one piece at a time, instead of supporting myself to build myself up, to stand up within and as myself, to be all that I can be, to make a directive decision and walk it, to build self trust, self honor and self respect.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an entire relationship construct to the pattern of not following up on my commitments, and thus, not only to exist within and as the one pattern, but now to exist as two, as one pattern birth another pattern, as I give life to my patterns and allow them, as myself, to reproduce, instead of stopping the patterns within the realization that they do not support me, but rather harm and abuse me, and thus, to stop my participation within them, through writing daily, applying self forgiveness and correcting myself first in writing as practical application statements, and then in physicality to actually walk the correction.
I experience the self empowerment within writing, when and as I write, I experience myself seeing more clearly, seeing how I am harming myself - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deprive myself this self support as writing, where I realize that the more I write the more clearly I see, the more clearly I will be able to live as myself - I have placed writing on top of my priority list and thus have been resisting doing it, always looking for other activities to occupy myself with, until it's so late and I'm tired, and all that is left of the day if for me to write just the very minimum and promise myself I will continue tomorrow, just to follow it up with the same pattern
I have come to realize that I have created a resistance to "priority list" as if I have defined it within myself as in relation to work, to bad things one should avoid, I have connected "priority list" with responsibility, and responsibility to being an adult, and being an adult as not having fun and enjoying life - when in fact I know that the more I allow myself to live as self direction I will enjoy myself more, because I will trust myself and respect myself and stop myself from falling each time over again in the trap of guilt, shame and regret.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect "priorities" to something that must be avoided, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to automatically resist my priorities even though I have decided to them in clarity and stability, yet within the automated resistance I do not allow myself to follow myself, but rather I follow the resistance - because it is momentarily easier, though I know in the long run it creates much distress in my life. So silly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the connection between priorities and avoidance, as to exist within a constant competition with myself, as who will run faster, me or my priority, as I chase it and it, as the resistance, runs away - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make a game out of running away from my responsibilities / priorities, as if there is something cool about it - where I realize I have created an idea within myself about the "bad guys", probably from movies, where I have created a belief that those that do what they want in the moment and disregard everything, are actually free and "know how to live in the moment", when in fact I have got it all in reverse - living in the moment is being one with myself in every moment, and not existing in constant inner conflict where in every moment self experience / desire something else and then self chases self's desires all the time, believing self to be "living the moment" when in fact not one moment is being actually lived, because it is always interrupted by the next one and next one… and life goes on, and one has never been one with / as self - it's rather sad - yet, I have believe it to be the way I want to live - no responsibility, no care, no worries - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that responsibility / care is something to avoid, that it will take away my freedom, but what kind of freedom do I have when I cannot even chose to do anything and actually follow through? And what kind of life would I live if I don't allow myself to care for anything, including myself, just because I don't want to "pay the price" of taking responsibility and actually accomplishing / achieving something in my life, from the perspective, that any form of self expression, as creation can only happen with self care, and with following through - I must care enough to finish that which I've started, no matter how small or big the task / project may be, I must take responsibility, not as a "bad thing" within judging all responsibilities as something bad and limiting, but as a way to experience completion, as to start something and to follow it through into completion.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge all priorities / responsibilities as something bad that exists in contradiction to my freedom, not realizing that as long as I allow myself to be trapped within this self judgment I am not free, as I cannot even decide for myself to follow through with anything, because each moment I realize "oh, I have made a commitment towards something, now it has become a priority / responsibility" at that very moment I back off and begin avoiding - what kind of freedom is that if I am not free to direct myself in freedom?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow the thoughts of "oh, I have made a commitment towards something, now it has become a priority / responsibility" within the belief that priority / responsibility is something to avoid, and thus whenever I realize I have decided on something I automatically go into resistance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a self sabotaging robot, where the moment I realize I have decided, and made a commitment towards something I automatically back off and brake my own word to myself, and within participating in the resistance I am actually creating the task / priority / responsibility to become something that is hard to walk, to complete, because I have just created a resistance around it, I have made it difficult - where as without participating in the resistance, it is simply a task, no judgment necessary, simply something that needs to be done, and within breath just walk it, step by step into it's completion.
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Wednesday, January 30, 2013
this is continuing my previous blogs
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Day 148 - Inadequacy - Reading difficulties
Day 149 - Inadequacy – Self Created Reading Difficulties
Day 150 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food
Yesterday I wrote a blog about my cooking day, which I spent most of it in my mind in worry and stress, today I will dive into the specifics to support myself in seeing the actual minute points I had participated in, to make sure I can stand in breath next time I face such points - i start with the section of the day that i was preparing wraps
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy the flour within a starting point of wanting the flour to be more special than just regular whole wheat flour, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy something without doing the research as to be sure I know what it is that I'm buying, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purchase a product within the starting point of an energetic experience as the desire / excitement of it being special, within this I realize when I approach anything within energy I am paving the way towards consequences, as I have created an energetic attachment towards the product and thus experience myself as if I have something to lose if / when it turns out to be not to my satisfaction, as a pose to purchasing a product within the clear starting point of practicality and thus not opening the door to unnecessary attachment and energy within finding out that the product is not exactly what I had wanted / expected it to be
When and as I purchase any product I make sure to investigate it as to know practically what it is that I am buying, within this I realize that any purchase done within energy, as excitement or desire to be special, is unnecessary and done as self sabotage as it prepares the way towards stress / expectation / disappointment, within this, when and as I see myself making a purchase within energy, I stop myself and breathe, I consider the practical points and make an informed decision within breath as stability and not allowing myself to be directed by energy as excitement and / or desire to be special, thus, I commit myself to consider the practicality of the product, the price, the quality, and not feed in to any desire that might come up within it - when and as I see a desire / excitement come up, I stop myself and breathe, I let go the energetic attachment towards the product and see it as it as within it's simple practicality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, when making the wraps, within discovering that the flour is not what I thought it was and is not as suitable for wraps, to go into an experience of self bullying as was giving myself a hard time for making a mistake and buying the unsuitable flour, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hard on myself as a form of self punishment, instead of simply learning from it as to make sure that next time I don't buy something just because it seams more special, but rather do the research and buy something that is suitable for the meal
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, within making wraps, to go into worst case scenario, as projecting / imagining that the wraps will be a flop because of the wrong flour that I got, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within this experience of anticipating the worst case scenario instead of simply being here in breath and doing what I can do in the moment, here, with what I have, within committing myself to learn for the next time how to improve, correct and prefect myself whether or not my expectations were met or not, regardless of the outcome I can always investigate myself within the point and learn from it - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in a state of expecting the worst instead of walking breath by breath in self trust and facing whatever comes along when it actually comes, I realize future projections and expecting the worst are unnecessary, as I realize that by expecting the worst I am allowing myself to exist in an energetic experience that possesses me as it compounds more and more as long as I participate with it, and then whatever the outcome may be I am depleted and exhausted due to have given myself away to the energy of the mind and thus I feel like crap, instead of remaining stable in breath and facing what comes, when it comes, in self trust, self directiveness and stability within breath.
When and as I realize I have made a mistake, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to go into projections of worst case scenarios, I do not allow myself to blame myself as a form of self punishment as I'm giving myself a hard time for making a mistake, instead I work with what is here and make the best for it within committing myself to learning from my mistake for the next time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stress out because I have given value to the meal I was preparing as I was making it within the energetic desire of wanting to please everyone, I wanted them to enjoy the meal, I wanted to get a "tap on my back" as everyone enjoys what I had made for them, and thus, within this desire I have allowed myself to stress about the meal within fear as "what if something goes wrong" instead of allowing myself to enjoy myself within the process as I prepare the meal and simple walk breath by breath, no energetic expectation / desires, as I realize these desires all present themselves as "I'm a good and caring person" but in fact they are all self interest from the perspective of the desire to please and being seen as good and receiving positive reinforcement, thus, when and as I'm preparing a big meal and see myself going into energy as desire to please and expectations of myself to serve a high standard, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here, I commit myself to simply make the food, breath by breath, to the best of my ability within using and working with what is here, and not allowing myself to fall into energy as I have proven to myself that when going into energy I am depleting myself from my power, I am giving myself away, I am not here in the moment but am busy in my mind in energy as desire / expectation / stress / worry, I realize there is no practical point for doing so, but the contrary, I realize it is self abusing self sabotaging and distracting, along with, as I allow myself to experience myself in this energy all I see is my goal, thus I separate myself from everything and everyone and thus create unnecessary friction and conflict as I move through out my day in energy.
Thus, within preparing a meal for others, when and as I see myself going into energy of pleasing / expectation / worry / stress, as trying to make the meal for "their" enjoinment, I stop myself and breathe, I remind myself that the energy is always hidden self interest and never for the best interest of the group nor myself really, and within that I realize that any stress / worry / expectation / desire is showing me that I am in fact preparing myself for a failure within existing I fear and self doubt, experienced as fear of judgment / criticism / failure, and thus, I commit myself to when seeing myself going into fear of judgment / criticism / failure as I am preparing a meal for others within the starting point as expectation and desire to please, I stop myself and breathe, I focus on the physical reality, I focus on my physical body, I focus on the practical steps I must take, I focus on the practicality of my responsibility - in this case to feed every body properly - I realize that the energy I am participating in, as the desire to please others, is not a practical nor necessary part of the equation, and thus should and must be let go of, as to prevent the outflow of such energy as I experienced the other day as stress, worry, inner friction and conflict that cause external friction and conflict. Within this I realize that all the steps I took to prepare the meal could have been done without energy, and I could have actually enjoyed myself through out the day as I prepare this meal, instead of existing in my mind as energy and missing out on all the fun of making dinner.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, within believing that I had had made a mistake, to judge myself and blame myself for fucking up, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view myself through tunnel vision, as a very narrow perspective of myself and my actions - I realize that within blaming myself for my mistake I am blinding myself to the practical steps I have been physically taking and thus, not actually seeing me for who I am in my totality through how I am walking this point, but only focus on what I have done wrong, as I magnify it and believe it to be all of myself. I realize self blame is abusive and un just from perspective that it allows me to hate myself instead of support myself in seeing all aspects of myself as what I must maintain and expand on and what of myself must be change and corrected, not as a point of right and wrong as a polarity, but simply allowing myself to see who I really am, to change what must be changed as it is self sabotaging, self abusive and counter productive, and to keep that which is good, effective, practical and supportive - in other words to see myself for who I really am, to give myself credit for where I've been practical and effective.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience resistance towards writing about myself that I have done things in practicality and effectiveness, as to see that I have done something "right", I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and truly accept / believe myself as the character of a inadequate / failure to such an extent that it's uncomfortable for me to recognize aspects about myself that I am actually improving in or good / effective at, or to acknowledge simple tasks that I am doing correctly - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to tap myself on my own back, to give myself credit, to respect, to honor and to value myself, and thus I exist within the desire of being validated by others, as I believe / experience myself as I require the respect, value and honor of others as I have not allowed myself to give it to myself - I forgive myself for even now as I am writing this there is an experience within me of "not wanting to make a big deal out of what I did right, because it's so simple and can / should be disregarded" - within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only focus on what I'm doing wrong in self hatred instead of also seeing that which I'm improving in, and changing within - I hadn't realized how deep this point goes, as I have created and accepted myself as the character of failure / inadequacy to such an extent that it's hard for me to say that I'm not all bad.
I commit myself to take notice throughout my day of things I am good at, to acknowledge aspects of myself that I want to maintain and expand within, as well as aspects of myself I would like to correct and improve, I commit myself to see myself in my totality and not focus only on the bad / defective / inferior / inadequate aspects of myself, but instead to make an effort and realize myself as who I really am, and not be content with the narrow, tunnel version of myself, fed to me by my mind and accepted as myself in self diminishment.
When and as I see myself going into self blame / judgment as believing I am only wrong, that all I do is wrong, I stop myself from participating in the mind as back chat / thoughts / self judgment / emotions, and breathe, I realize that this is a narrow view, looking through a tunnel while hiding from myself the totality of myself and painting a "dark" picture from a starting point of creating energy as inner friction / conflict, thus, I commit myself, when I see myself going into self blame / judgment, to within breath, investigate in self honesty what are the mistakes that I have mis-taken that need be learnt from and corrected, and what are the points within which I was effective, directive and supportive, points that need be learnt from in order to maintain and expand within, I commit myself to do so as a practical process of evaluating where I can learn from my mistakes as to turn them into gifts of self expansion
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
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Wednesday, January 2, 2013
This is a continuation from my previous blogs:
Day 129 – Self Judgment – Part 1
Day 130 - Self judgment - Part 2 – Appearance
Day 131 - Self judgment - Part 3 – Appearance - Part 2
and for those that are interested in further self support in regards to self image please visit this blog, as it is walked through is specificity, self honesty, and self support: http://malingunilla.blogspot.com
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in self rejection/hatred due to not living up to the ideal image I have created in my mind, and thus allow myself to abuse myself through self rejection/hatred due to not looking like an image, not realizing that within doing so I am diminishing myself as a living multidimensional being into a one dimensional image, and within diminishing myself to a one dimensional image judge myself as not looking like the image in my mind, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am not an image, and I am not defined by the way I look but rather by who I am within myself, within my application, within who I am in my relationship to myself as my physical body, and not what my physical body looks like, thus if I accept and allow myself to judge myself for my appearance, that is who I am, equal to my acceptance and allowance as self judgment, as separation of myself as my physical body - thus, I realize it's not about changing my appearance, but rather changing my relationship to and as myself, to become the living expression of self acceptance, of self love, of self honor and self respect, to become one and equal to and as my physical body
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore my physical body as a living being, as the chamber that allows me life within the obsession of my appearance, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be grateful and honor my physical body unconditionally as the chamber in which I live in, as what allows me my physical existence in the physical, and instead I have only judged it within my desire to look a certain way and my physical body not molding itself into my desire, within this I realize that my physical body is real, here as the physical, where as my desire to look a certain way is based on the mind as an illusion, as the acceptance of a beaut ideal that has not passed the test of time, as it changes in each generation, in every new trend and fashion, thus, I realize that my body not molding itself into my desire has given me the opportunity to see my desire for what it is, to realize that I have been existing in my mind as the obsession as self judgment towards my appearance, as creating inner conflict and friction in my life, and within seeing this through the support of my physical body as not following my desire I can now change myself within taking self responsibility for who I am, and stopping myself as the mind, as the illusions my desires have been following.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within believing I should look like the image in my mind, I have validated and supported and justified through my acceptance and allowance the existence eating disorders which are actually a reflection of myself as I do not accept myself within and as my physical body, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my self judgment within the fact that I do not have an eating disorder because I have never crossed that line, but I haven't realized that I am participating in the same construct as I do not allow myself to accept myself as the physical body I exist within as do beings with an actual extensive eating disorder, thus, by participating in self judgment towards my physical appearance I am in fact participating in and validating eating disorders.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see my physical body through the eyes but through the mind, as the eyes see without judgment while the mind interprets and places judgment within self interest as a way to blind self from actually seeing through the eyes the physical reality which is here, as the mind act in self interest in disregard of the physical body and the physical existence as a whole and thus exists as self judgment to create inner friction and conflict to generate energy consumed from the physical, though this is hidden behind the accepted blinding effect of the mind, as placing the attention on the illusion as appearance instead of reality as what is really going on here on earth, as I have been spending my time caring about my appearance while ignoring the actual atrocities as abuse and suffering that is happening all around me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disease not within concern to my body's functionality, comfort and well being but within concern to my appearance, how will I look like if I have this or that condition, thus having it all in reverse asi have been ignoring what really matters as matter, as the function of the physical, as the condition of the earth while giving all my attention to myself in self interest within the desire to look in a specific way , I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disease from a starting point of fear of judgment due to the consequence of the disease as a change in my appearance while ignoring myself within and as the physical body, as the discomfort, pain, suffering, weakness and within this ignoring all the pain and suffering that exist in the world, within this dismissing the opportunity to heal myself and existence as a whole because I have accepted and allowed myself to put all my attention on what I will look like and what people will think of me as a construct of the mind and not on reality as the physical, not through judging it but through practically considering what is best for all life, including my physical body, and acting on it within self honesty and common sense.
I commit myself to stop my participation with judgment of appearance towards myself and towards others, I commit myself, when and as I see myself going into self judgment or judgment towards others, to stop and breathe, to come back to myself as the physical within and as breath and stop my participation within and as the mind, I commit myself to use the self judgment as an opportunity to return to myself within and as breath, thus, when I see myself in a moment of self judgment, I stop and breathe, I stop the thoughts, I stop the back chat, I return here to and as the physical as myself, and I do this time and time again until self judgment is not directing me as my experience of myself, within this I commit myself to write down to myself the specific back chat and specific self judgment that come up, and to walk a process of self forgiveness in self honesty, within realizing that I am harming myself as the physical body while participating in self judgment, and in that allowing harm and abuse of the physical in all it's dimensions and levels, thus I realize that any change must start with self, and thus I commit myself to through walking the process of writing, self forgiveness and self correction in practicality to be a living example that self judgment can be stopped
Thursday, December 27, 2012
I have an ideal as a list of properties that I believe should be / have, in order for me to be satisfied with myself, and I thus, expect / desire / need myself to match this ideal, as list of properties in order to achieve self acceptance. There is like an invisible scale, like a grading scale where I place myself on the scale, based on how I judge myself according to comparing myself to others - how will I know where to place myself if not in comparison to others in my life whom I've defined as more or les than me in regards to a specific property. Within this I see the illusionary state I have been existing as, where I expect myself to be one thing, as I expect /want myself to be placed high on the grade scale I have invented in my mind, and in self judgment I am never good enough, never holding up to my ideal.
An interesting thing within this is that I was going to say that in reality I am not where I expect myself to be on the grade scale, but in fact in reality, this grade scale doesn't exist - it only exists as the mind's idea and judgment, so it's not even to say that I expect myself to be more than who I am, but judge myself as less - because that would validate the grade system I have created within / as myself, the grade system that I am using as a tool to create inner conflict in my life - what I realize is that who I am will never be defined according to how high I score on some make believe scale, who I am is defined within my relationship to and as myself, within what I accept and allow within and as myself, and at the moment, what I have been allowing myself is to exist in a mind made polarity of expectation and self judgment - I have accepted and allowed myself to be and exist as self judgment, self diminishment, self rejection - I realize that it's not about what it is specifically about myself that I reject, because as long as I accept and allow myself to be and exist as self judgment I will always be able to justify any point of self judgment as valid. I've been looking at and wanting to accept the content / property of myself, when in fact, the point is who I am within the relationship to / with / as myself, regardless of the actual content, thus, despite of how I currently judge myself.
What I mean by this is that looking at the actuality of how good / nice / beautiful / smart / special / effective / clever / insightful / consistent / calm / directive I am, is still within the realm of self judgment, and thus is not valid - any point of quantifying myself is not valid - who I really am as/within self judgment is the fact that I am not equal within and as myself, I am existing within the mind as I have created an ideal based on a value system injected to me by society through my acceptance, and instead of walking my life here, in breath, as unconditional self expression, accepting myself unconditionally as myself as I am life - I have given value to all these things / properties / characters and have allowed myself to exist in separation from / as myself within expectation and judgment.
I realize that as long as I exist in the polarity of expectation and self judgment, no matter what I do, what I look like, how I apply myself, what I say, how I behave... - I will find points judge myself for, because I have been allowing self judgment, as a construct, as a design, to exist within and as myself - I realize that within accepting and allowing self judgment I realize I will never be satisfied with myself, will never be content, will never accept myself unconditionally, within the belief that only if I become more, will I allow myself to rest - but that never happens because there always is another point to judge myself for and expect myself to improve in, and thus it becomes an endless race against myself - instead of realizing that all that I am is here, and all that I must do in order to accept myself is to allow myself to deliberately stop and let go the self judgment and to will /push myself to walk a step by step, practical process into self change - thus, accepting myself not from a starting point of allowing myself to continue as I have been, because I have realized that who I have been in unacceptable, as I have been existing in my mind as self judgment, and completely separated from the reality which is here and cannot be judged in self honesty because it is what it is, and thus, within living in separation from myself within the acceptance of self judgment, I have not really been living - so self acceptance is thus to accept that this is where I am at the moment, this is who I am at the moment - and not judge myself for it, within realizing that judgment is a mind manipulation, getting me to separate from myself even further, instead of embracing myself like a child and supporting myself to learn from my mistakes and assisting myself to change into a living being that is self directive, and exist as self honor, self respect and self trust, and thus to honor, respect and trust all life as life.
But how do I become self acceptance if at the moment I am judging all that I do not accept about myself, I must then allow myself to let go the judgment - fear comes up - why do I experience the self judgment as protecting me in some way which would cause me to fear letting go of it - the point I see as justifying judgment, within the experience that it is protecting me, is from the starting point of if I judge myself I am protecting myself from others judging me, as if, if they see me judging myself they won't need to, they might even take pity on me and show me that I'm not as bad as I believe myself to be, they will even give me positive reinforcement - thus, I see within this that I am using self judgment as emotional manipulation to get positive feedback from others and to avoid negative feedback - I realize I have created myself as the character of self judgment as a defense mechanism, and have been playing the part long enough to believe it to be me in fact, to forget it is just a character that I can stop participating with in any time, as I realize it is causing harm to myself and others.
How do I stop self judgment? The only way to do it, is to simply do it - when and as I see myself go into self judgment as back chat of self judgment come up within me, or back chat of comparison or competition, or when back chat of desires or fantasies come up - I stop myself and breathe, I realize all these back chats are holding within them self judgment, and I do not allow myself to participate with self judgment any more - when self judgment comes up - I stop it immediately, when I see I have fallen into self judgment I stop myself, forgive myself in the very moment, and write out the specific back chat to walk specific forgiveness on each point of self judgment that comes up within me, until I'm done and am no longer enslaved to self judgment.
In the next blogs, I will walk a process of self forgiveness for the specific back chat of self judgment that come up during the day.
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Friday, December 7, 2012
The following blog is a continuation of my previous writings, please read them for further context if you haven’t already :
Day 110 - Avoiding Work
Day 111 – Self interest can never be “right”
extracted from day 110 - Working - all my life I knew that working is a hassle, no one really wants to work, people work because they have to, and I have been avoiding work all my life, as much as I can… so in essence I never gave myself a chance to see who I am within it, I always simply defined myself within the personality of "I don't like to work".I realize I have created a definition of work as being something that must be avoided regardless of the circumstances, the task, the responsibility, and in no consideration of what needs to be done
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the definition of work being something to avoid, and not allowing myself to be self directive within he principle of equality and oneness as doing what needs to be done and taking responsibility in order to clear up the mess in myself and in the world as myself
When and as I see myself going into a personality of avoiding work, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here, I realize what needs to be done, I am grateful that I can contribute and assist and support myself through physically walking the application of correcting myself and this world as a whole, within this I commit myself to honor myself within my decisions and thus if I have deiced to do something I will do it as an application of building self trust and self respect
I realize I have created this idea based on memory, based in what I have learnt from society, based on my interpretation of how others would speak about work
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to question my self definition and within that my belief system as the religion of self, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blindly accept what I have been taught by society even thought the evidence is clear that what we have created as this world is not working out for the benefit of all life, and is in fact an abusive and cruel world, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blindly accept what I have been taught even though the evident is clear that what is being taught should be changed because the result of this world is not what I would want our children to be born into, thus, to create a world that is best for all our children we must realize that our starting point within all the definitions we have accepted must change as well
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my definition of work on the past as memories/experiences, instead of allowing myself to be here, in the moment, and breathe, to stop the back chat as it is only getting in my way of simply physically doing what I have set myself to do, and thus participating in self sabotage
When and as I go into back chat while doing a task/job/work, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here, I revisit my starting point and allow myself to see why I am doing this job/task/work, and within realigning myself to my starting point, within breath, I continue the task, within this I realize that to build self respect, self trust, self honor, I must honor myself, my decisions and my responsibilities to through time expand myself within my abilities, skills, application, responsibility, to be able to live as an example that change can be done, to live as an example of stopping the back chat and living that which is best for all life regardless of personal preferences that are based in self interest
I realize I have been limiting myself and not allowing myself to be here within self exploration of seeing who I am within the task/responsibility/activity
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to explore unconditionally any activity/task, and instead I have approached all jobs/tasks/responsibilities from a starting point of wanting it to end, thus not allowing myself to see who I am within it, not allowing myself to expand as it, but always separating myself from the task, within an idea that it must be avoided, not allowing myself to live self honestly and see for myself as myself who I am within it, and within that to change myself as to be able to do any task/job without attaching any value/energy to it and thus not limit/restrict myself to any value/idea/belief but allow myself to actually be free from any mind enslavement
I commit myself to when doing a task, and I find myself going into judgment towards the task, I stop and breathe, I realize the judgment is of the mind and is sabotaging myself as the experience of participating in the task, as one with it within breath here in the moment, thus I commit myself to let go any value I have given different tasks that I am used to try to avoid, to investigate the starting point of my preference and to direct myself within the decision to do what needs to be done in the service of all life that is here
I realize I have been directing myself according to this belief, never questioning it, but simply accepting myself as it, as a given fact of who I am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am the personality of "I don't like to work" within that I have created an energetic experience of suffering both within doing the task at hand and within judging the situation for "having to do something I don’t like" and within judging myself for being a fuck up that doesn't like to work - all due to the self belief that I have created as myself over time, and that in fact exist only as a mind illusion that I as myself can change if only I allow myself to
I commit myself to change myself within the starting point of working, I commit myself to when I see the self definition of "I don’t like to work" or "I am not good at working:" come up, to stop myself and breathe, to allow myself to be here, in breath, and enjoy myself within everything that I do, not an enjoyment within energy, but simply being here and participating in the physical reality as a point of enjoyment of being alive and able to participate in this world - within this to realize that true enjoyment can only exist within self honesty and thus to align myself to that which is best for all would be the only way to actually experience true enjoyment from anything I do
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