Showing posts with label self value. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self value. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic
Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage
Day 194 - 21 days of self dedication – misusing the desteni process
Day 195 - 21 days of self dedication - part 5 – but I am still here
Day 196 -21 days of self dedication – part 6 - experience of isolation
Day 197 - 21 days of self dedication - self value - day 7
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate the feeling / experience of isolation to being alone, and within that to have attached a negative charge to being alone, with myself - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer not being alone, with myself, but to have placed more value on being with others - within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value others more than myself as I prefer their presence rather than my own.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself, and within it to enjoy my present - to be satisfied just being here within and as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I must do something to earn value from, not allowing myself to embrace / accept myself unconditionally, but to judge my value according to what I do, and in relation to others
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize all life is equal, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that as long as I don't value myself, I am a living expression of inequality, whereas in equality all life has equal value and thus value loses it's meaning - thus, as long as I experience the pain / inner conflict of not seeing my own self worth / value, I am in fact participating in the expression and manifestation of inequality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to know myself as unworthy / invaluable, within this, to put myself down, to sell myself short, and to accept / expect the worst - all within a starting point of not realizing myself as valuable as life.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize my own self value, and to live according to it, instead I have been living and expressing myself in alignment with the experience of worthlessness, and thus not pushing myself outside of this loop, as I believe myself to be worthiness and then prove myself right by not living as a living example and expressing of worth / value - instead of stepping out of the loop, within forgiving myself for ever going into it, and within stopping my pattern of participation within it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to anticipate failure within the starting point of not seeing my self value, and within it to give up before I even try as to prove myself right
When and as I see myself going into the mind as back chat and future projection of failure, I stop myself and breathe, I note to myself what are the practical steps that I can currently take, and I act on them - when and as I see myself giving up before even trying, within not applying the practical steps but instead preparing the way towards failure - I stop myself and breathe - I push myself beyond my limits within realizing that it is these points of resistance that change is possible, and the only way to exist as valuable is to live as valuable
I forgive myself for accepting and alliwung myself to hold onto memories as justifications of not valuing myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto memories of family events / scenarios, where I have compared myself back the as less than, and here I am today, still using this memory against myself as proof of my inferiority - instead of putting a stop to it within not allowing myself to abuse and mistreat myself as such through the mind, but to stand up for myself and demand myself to be respectful towards myself, to honor myself, and it starts with letting go the memories that are emotionally charged, and within breath, considering the practical common sense of reality as the physical
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and apply that my mind cannot be trusted, and thus, I must walk only in the breath as what is here, and anything that comes from the mind as words in my head and emotions / feelings / thoughts / back chat / energy that comes up within me that I didn't direct - I must investigate, and if it isn't one with the principle of that which is best for all life, and within it best for self - I stop it, forgive it, let it go, and breathe
I realize I have been easy with myself, always going back to the painful comfort of the mind - this is actually another point of self worth / value - where I have created such judgment towards myself for not moving / changing within my process, that it has become another layer of unworthiness, within this I realize that it is a mind trap, and that by "feeling" that I have no value because I am not walking effectively, is not a step towards walking effectively and is not a step towards step value - a step in the right direction would be to write it out - and if I believe I have not yet begun my process - then simply begin it - make the decision - walk it, live it, commit to it, to self, to life - there is nothing to think about or judge simply do.
I realize from this perspective that yes, my value should be unconditional, lol, but even saying that is a form of judgment, isn't it?... And so, I realize that the more I apply myself the more valuable I become towards myself, the more I write I express self care and that speck of self value / worth enhances - and so, I commit myself to use the experience of worthlessness / feeling invaluable as a reminder to sit down and write, and care for myself and forgive myself and support myself, or to apply myself in any thing I have decided to do - this within realizing that the experience of being invaluable is like a black hole, that sucks me into a spiral of self pity - and only self support, practical physical action is the way to prove myself wrong and "snap out of it" in self direction and self honor.
In this, I commit myself, when I see that energy / back chat of worthlessness coming up, to shake it off with a physical action, such as writing, or self forgiveness - in writing or a loud, or an actual physical jump / walk / shake - to physically shake off and away the destructive sucking energy of worthlessness - and within it, I commit myself to live self worth
What is the expression of self worth / self value? It is self care, self support, self investigation, self forgiveness, self change and self honesty - anything otherwise is thus the expression ad manifestation of worthlessness, all of which I must terminate.
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Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic
Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage
Day 194 - 21 days of self dedication – misusing the desteni process
Day 195 - 21 days of self dedication - part 5 – but I am still here
Day 196 -21 days of self dedication – part 6 - experience of isolation
Now, this point of self value, or shall I say, lack of it, has been in the background of my process for quite some time, t is a prominent point that leaves a mark in everything I participate in, it's like an additional flavor to everything I do in life - so, why do I not value myself?
Obviously this is a very compacted point and relates and connects to many other points - which brings up this experience of overwhelmingness as "how the hell am I going to tackle this point?" but I have recently realized once again, that this is a process, and a long one as well, and no, any point I face, I cannot now what I will find within the investigation, otherwise I would not need to investigate, and I do not yet know where it will lead me to - and thus, the only thing to do, is grab one end of a string and start following the information that opens up - and I'll see where I take myself and what I
find.
So here goes.
I'm trying to look back and I ask myself when did I first experience myself as not worthy / not good enough / not valuable - a few family memories come to mind.
The first is that that I constantly compared myself to my sister, I always saw her as perfect, beautiful, smart, good dancer, fun, easy going, friendly and caring - everything that I didn't see myself as, and even when I did see it as myself I would compare, and in comparison to her I would always loose. But why did I compare? What compelled me to evaluate myself according and in relation to her?
Also, I remember that there was a time where I was thinner than her (weight was always an issue in my home as I grew up), and maybe I had a boyfriend at that time - I considered myself to be in a "better place" than her for a while, and I remember how uncomfortable that was for me, like I was out of place to be in a better position than her, it didn't fit with my world view, as within my comparison to her, I was always the inferior / less than, and not being in that position was awkward for me, I even felt guilty, thinking that I can handle being inferior, as I have been so all my life, but for her it's a first, and she must be taking it hard, and it's all my fault, then I would diminish myself within the intention of not rubbing it in, but looking at it now, I guess I did it for my own comfortability rather than actually for her.
Another point / memory, is that my dad would tell me before exams that I don't have to get good grades, I only have to do good enough to pass, and again, my sister was a very good student, and so, when my dad told me I don't have to do so well I knew he was saying that so I don't stress myself over it as she has, but I added onto that my interpretation of him not believing in me - it was actually an interesting dynamic with him, before exams he would tell me that I don't have to do very well, and then when I would get ok grades he would ask why I didn't do any better - both remarks I had taken in and recorded them as indicating that I am not smart / good enough, inadequate, and a disappointment to my dad - when I signed up for my physics degree I was so unsure of myself, I went in with a great possibility of failing, and I remember telling myself, just as my dad told me, that all I need to do is not fail, I don't have to be the best - and in fact through out my degree, I never put in my best, I always was content with being mediocre, and I don't mean that my grades were not good enough, I mean that in relation to myself, I know within myself that I didn't actually invest myself into it, I deliberately didn't do my best, and for the first year I was sure I will fail any moment, I was so unsure of myself
So far what I se is comparison to my sister, and later on in life to other girlfriends that I have placed in my sister's shoes and defined myself as less than them, these friends had power in my eyes, they seemed confidant, or were beautiful or smart, or likable, or friendly - always seeing myself as less valuable, second best, unworthy - experiencing myself as pathetic in relation to them, like "what's the point of even trying to compare myself to them, who am I fooling" - in many cases I would see this come up in relation to guys, where they would always prefer my friends over me, and so I felt like I was in competition with them, like I must win the guy to prove to myself I am worthy - and actually in many cases I "stole" the guy my girlfriend liked, I would never back off, I had to have them, that was like a form of proof that I have some value, "they want me over you", of course, this is a big point within itself, as I see there are many more layers as to why did I go after the boys my friends liked, but here is one dimension of it as to prove to myself that I am better than them in winning this competition I had created.
Once again, it's so clear to see how the mind is dangerous, from the perspective of when I allow myself to be directed by the mind, not taking responsibility of my own life, but following blindly the suggestions and interpretations and self beliefs created by the mind and accepted by self - I end up harming people, creating unnecessary conflict, disregarding others in my life and doing only that which serves my own interest regardless of who stands in my way and who I have to step on to get there, while justifying to myself that I am not a bad person, when in fact I am the pure manifestation of evil, as I did so in complete disregard of the others, I really couldn't care less - actually, that's not entirely true, because it's not that I didn't care, because I actually did so in spitefulness, I wanted to win to prove to myself through this victory that I am worthy and valuable, as if we were in an actual competition, competing against each other, and, for me to win and experience the victory I wanted them to painfully lose, they had to know / see that they have lost, they had to feel it, as I have felt it many times……. Lol, but because I justified myself believing I was innocent, I also wanted / expected them to approve and "give me their blessings" - I was completely blind to what I was participating with. But, the bottom line is that I went after those guys to fulfill that part of me that feels unworthy and not valuable, and to repair this unpleasant emotion I would do anything, and justify myself as I do so.
Tomorrow self forgiveness on the points that came up here in regards to self value / worth
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
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