Day 222 - Just Fucking Do It

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk about the things I want to do instead of actually doing them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk about thing I want to do as if I am planning to do them when in fact I am talking about them as a way to express to others my direction without having to ever go there

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the more I talk about a point I want to do / accomplish the less likely I am to actually do it, because if I were to do it I would just fucking do it

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that talking about a point is avoidance of actually walking the point

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that talking about a point from the starting point of making myself look as if I am walking the point or am about to walk it is self dishonesty, as separating myself into two beings, the one who talks as if I will do or am doing something, and the one who is existing in avoidance and isn't actually doing it, thus being split between my words and my deeds.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a loop for myself where I see and realize that I am trapped in an endless cycle of talking about a point and not walking it but at the same time still believing myself to be actually trapped, not realizing that I can simply stop the cycle in one decision, in one breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a cycle for myself where I am already sick and tired of hearing myself speak about the things I want to do, such as to support myself in writing, and then as I see myself not do it to judge myself and add self hatred to the situation, instead of simply seeing myself in the loop and make a deliberate decision in that moment to take immediate action and to for example sit down to write

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create such a big deal out of sitting down and writing where I have become so intimidated of writing that it really seems like a huge point to tackle, when in fact I have been writing since the first grade, and it is not in fact a big huge task, but rather one that I simply must direct myself to do, and once I start doing it each time I realize that not only is it not as hard / scary as I feared, but in most cases I rather end up enjoying myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remind myself that I do in fact enjoy writing and that many things that I tend to avoid and feel like I have to fight with myself in order to do are things that once I allow myself to get started I actually enjoy them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to re-live the pattern/memory from my childhood where my parents would urge me to go into the bath and I would fight them not to but once I was in I would love it so much that I wouldn't want to get out

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to learn from the memory above but instead to re-live it as to be frozen in time within it, instead of evolving / growing from it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend so much of my time and energy in trying to avoid doing the things I really want to do, instead of just fucking doing it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fill up my time with complaining about not wanting to do the things I actually on a deeper level want to do, or complaining about not doing the things I say I want to do, instead of just fucking doing them

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to establish a clear starting point within myself as to why I want to do the things I say I want to do

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that without a clear starting point it is no surprise that it has been hard for me to stay dedicated to a decision that I am unclear about what it stands for and who I am within it.

I commit myself to find and define within myself a clear starting point, to investigate what that even means to me, to create from within myself the definition of why am I walking and where am I going.

I also commit myself to write daily, even if just one sentence of self forgiveness or one point of realization, I commit to write out a self directed supportive statement / paragraph / blog each day. Within this, I commit myself, if resistance to writing still comes up, to write about the resistance and not allow myself to be directed by it, but rather to take it as a point of self discovery and exploration, and at the very least, as something to write about.

Walking Slow and Steady - Thank You Bernard

Bernard passed away – I knew this day would come, as we all have a short time to live here in the physical, and then, in equality, we all die, and Bernard is no different, but when I heard of his death I could not believe it, how could Bernard leave us? We need him!!

As I saw this point come up in my mind I felt guilty, I suddenly realized that I have grown to be dependent on him, waiting for him to call the shots and make the decisions, counting on him to direct us to shores of safety, and within that not actually standing in equality to Bernard and the words of principles and equality he expressed, not living as self responsibility through abdicating my responsibility to him.

So, what is my responsibility? I ask myself, and I answer - To live as an example, as Bernard lived as an example, so that we can truly have an equality equation of 1+1+1, where we all stand as individuals that are living their full potential and are actually the full expression of who they are as self directive principle in self honesty, becoming a full being, the totality of ourselves, not diminished as we are living today through the limitations and deceptions of our accepted and allowed relationship to the mind – I have not been living up to my responsibility, and Bernard had to die for this reality to once again hit me in my face – as I realized how much I have been dependent on Bernard, and thus not standing up within and as myself, not allowing myself to reach my true potential and actually become the totality of myself, I realized that in a way I killed Bernard, he had to die so that I would see, because, in self interest, I didn’t push myself enough to see this before his death.

Many times he spoke about death, as the point of no return, and I always connected it to the being that is busy dying, but in fact the point of transformation in death is left for us, those who remain and keep on breathing in our physical bodies. The point of death is the final point / opportunity for us to see that which we wouldn’t look at and admit to previously, so, in a way, someone has to die for us to realize the point, how many more people have to die for me to see, how many more am I going to kill before I wake up and take responsibility – obviously, now that he is dead, there is no turning back, only looking forwards, and thus, it’s up to us, it’s up to me, to apply myself and accordingly determine if he died in vain or not – from the perspective of, if I learn from my mistakes, if I allow myself to change, if i stand up and commit myself to live the principle that Bernard stood as and lived as, then he did not die in vain, but, if I now give up and stop walking, then, what was the point? – and either way, we cannot take back time, he is dead, it’s done – but it’s up to us, up to me, up to each one of us, to make the decision, as he would always say, and walk the decision as ourselves breath by breath until it’s done.

He told me so many time that all I must do is make a decision and walk it, and every time I walked it for a few days or even weeks and then kind of forget about it, gave up on it, on myself, but I never really forgot about it, I was just always consumed with myself interest, and preferred others do the work while I was busy entertaining myself - each time this loop became harder, because each time I have developed another layer of memories  and experiences proving to myself that I cannot make the decision to change nor  walk the living example of equality, and like Bernard had said many times as well, I was always my biggest enemy - keeping me from being and walking that which I want to be and walk as, limiting myself through holding on to memories and past experiences instead of allowing myself to direct myself to change and become the best me that I can be, to live as the full self expression of myself, in self honesty, here, as life, for and as myself.

Tears are coming up – why? Guilt and shame for not getting it sooner; fear for not making it as I have not made it in the past, and now there is no Bernard to fall back on, to trust that he will give me a supportive and well deserved shake or kick in the ass, each time I fall, pushing me to see through his words the truth of me.

Bernard was always such a clear reflection, you know how everybody is our mirror, and all we really see in others is always reflections of ourselves, well, that’s true, but in many cases our reflection isn’t clear, because it is smudged with the other being’s energies, beliefs, opinions, judgments, and it makes it harder to determine what is my shit and what is theirs – so in those cases we must take it all to self and equalize ourselves to all of it and see ourselves in all the points that come up, and remove the blame and judgment towards the other and so on… but my point I that  with Bernard it, the reflection of myself, was crystal clear reflection, there was never any confusion or judgment or blame or judgment (did I mention there was no judgment?), there was only only clarity – when I spoke to Bernard I not only felt that he could see right through me, I could see through myself as well, there was no hiding with him, hiding was never an option.

There is an interesting point here because its not like he put a spell on me for me to be able to see myself, it was me who allowed myself to see myself when I was in Bernard’s presence, because I believe he could see me anyway, and whether he could or couldn’t – I am the one who allowed myself to see myself in clarity, thus I am able to do this now that he is gone, it was never him – it was always and is always me.

So, now as I tear I wonder how will I stand, how do I know I can do this, how can I trust myself like I trusted Bernard? How can I live his example?

I remember walking with him at the mall, and he had such a slow and steady walk, his walk was so distinguished – even in his physical walk I could find the key of how to walk within my process – by remaining slow and steady within myself, walking in breath, one step at a time, one breathe at a time – I realize now that I must slow myself down so that I can come back to myself, to my own pace of breath and then accelerate with and as myself - this is a point I learnt just from walking with Bernard at the mall. And there are so many other little points of insight.

He once asked me what will it take for me to forgive a friend that I’ve had continuous conflict with, and I didn’t understand what he was asking, then he asked me to imagine them on their death bed, and asked if they were dying could I forgive them then – I burst in tears, again it’s that point of transformation at death, if they were to die and I remain, could I forgive them then? Of course I could – and so why wait for death?

Why do I wait for death instead of living now, here?

I commit myself to waking up to life, I commit myself to standing up within myself, I commit myself to allowing myself to face myself, one day at a time, one breath at a time, I commit myself to breathing, to slowing myself down, I commit myself to walk until it is done, I commit myself to stop the self judgment and transform it into self support, I commit myself to write and free myself through self forgiveness followed by practical application, I commit myself to myself as life.

Day 216 - Back chat as the God of me

It's still the same point - when I am about to do something that has to do with interaction with people, such as going to a meeting or making a phone call, I experience this form of resistance, a form of fear, an anxiety, and I am reluctant to do it - that's when the back chat is most creative, because now it starts coming up with all the reasons why it's valid to avoid this point and procrastinate it, suddenly "later" is the best time to do everything, suddenly all the other things on my "to do" list jump to first priority and so, instead of seeing this for what it is, as a pattern of fear that I have been participating with all my life up to a point of believing it to be me, and that this pattern as my participation with fear, has been and still is, limiting me from becoming as effective as I can be, enabling me to accomplish all that I want to, and instead of simply not allowing myself to follow this back chat to actually do that which I know needs to be done regardless my momentary preferences and irrational fears.

 

Looking at it now, I see myself actually enjoying the back chat, as it is the only thing that "allows me to be me" or "accepts me as who I am" - but is it really who I am, or is this back chat simply allowing me to continue existing in my fear as the limitation of myself, and to stay in my small zone of comfort and not change - it "feels" like my back chat is on "my side", it feels like it supports me, when really it is not, it could not be further from the truth - the back chat is only "supporting" me in self interest as the mind, allowing me and manipulating me to exist as a limited lifeless organic robot, but it really never supports me in fact, as who I really am, as what is actually best for me within the greater picture, the picture that is reality as the physical - it never actually supports me as a living being in a living and physical reality - it only supports me as the mind, as the illusion, as opinions, as preferences, as beliefs, as the narrow and limited view of self interest.

 

I have been following my mind blindly, allowing myself to be directed day in and day out, allowing myself to be directed by the back chat making it to be the god of me, instead of standing up within and as myself and making a stand to / for / as myself, reclaiming myself back to myself, reminding and stating to myself that I am here to serve myself as life, if nothing else than should at least push myself to do what is really best for me, as true self interest and not destructive self interest within following the patterns of fear and self sabotage - to push myself to support myself in fact as what is really best for me in the long run, which is what is best for all in the greater picture, and visa versa, as what is best for all is always the answer to what is best for me - and even though I cannot say I always know what is best, I know for a fact that it is certainly not best for me nor anyone around me to justify my own limitation and accept my fears as the director of me, but rather to support myself to over come my fears and expand and grow and allow myself to become a fearless being, that walks in stability, in consistency, in certainty, in self trust, in self honor, that is up for any challenge, that will not stop for anything until the task is done and complete, that will keep on walking and learning and expanding in every moment and every breath, and walking each breath within the principle of equality as love thy neighbor as myself, as a living practice.

Day 215 - Fear of people - being alone - follow up and conclusions

Follow up from last blog - last night I went to a party, I didn't know anyone and I just sat there some of the time I sat alone and I actually didn't go into anxiety about it, and I had awesome conversations with random people, took some phone numbers and might have made some connections from a practical perspective - it was cool - though I still didn't allow myself to be as free as I wanted to, so I am still walking the point, and actually while I was there I "forgot" that I had just written about this point and I didn't then apply myself practically - this point of "forgetting the point I am walking" has been coming up often - and the only explanation I have is that while I am writing my self forgiveness and opening the point up, I am not here and am not actually doing it as self support - because if I was I would "remember", but instead I write it just because I know I have to, I know I have to because it is so supportive and if I don't I will go down the rabbit hole of my mind and trap myself in it, so I do see the value of daily writing, but it is still done in separation, as a point of external consequence, like I'm doing it so the teacher will see that at least I am trying, while in fact I am not doing my best, I am not pushing as hard as I can, I am not investigating myself as self honestly as I could be - but there is no teacher watching over me and the consequences are not created by an external force but rather they are directly created by myself, and the more I write the more I see that I am causing my own suffering and discomfort, and yet, I am still struggling to get past this point and actually writing for myself and being here fully as I write, and write within the starting point of self support in fact.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write and forgive myself from a starting point of being watched by a teacher form, thus actually doing it in separation of myself as I am not doing it for myself but for external eyes watching over me

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write and forgive myself within a starting point of religion, as I have placed a god like watch guard on me, as the eyes that see everything I do and will create the consequences if I mess up, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I have turned this practical application in to a religion instead of doing it for myself in full awareness

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually see, realize and understand that I am here living this life, and I am here living the consequences of my actions, and I have the choice and the ability to change within self honesty, or not, and it is my responsibility to face myself because no one else will do it for me, and my doing so can effect others from the perspective that I could exist as I living example of how people can change and perfect themselves, but as long as I am not doing it, it is not here and is not a reality, and so, as within so without - my not changing myself within a starting point of self support implies and reflects that I don't care about myself nor anyone else

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am a good person that cares about myself and others around me while in fact in practicality I have not bee doing the bare minimum of expressing this care through practical physical application, and thus, have made this "I care" as a character that I can talk about and express to people, hence the good conversation, instead of letting go the idea of I am a caring person and actually allowing myself to live it as the expression of myself in every moment, where the first act of caring would be caring for myself and doing all I can to nurture and support myself, not for anyone else but for myself because I would care about and for myself, then, the expression of caring for others must be within a starting point of living as an example, and working towards a practical solution - so far I have been talking the talk much more then walking the walk, like I enjoy presenting myself as part of the most caring group in the world, or perhaps more accurately, the only caring group of people in the world, yet, I have not been an active participant from the perspective that I know I can do so much more if I would bring myself to actually care and live this care as the expression of myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care only about the thoughts and feelings and emotions and fears that come up in my mind, instead of caring for myself as the physical and for everybody else as the physical and thus, within caring for the mind and placing the mind above me as the physical I have not been pushing through the resistance in self interest, as I would simply do what the mind wants, as I follow it into self destruction

 

I realize that every time that I have thoughts / back chat / emotions / feelings / fears that come up and direct me into any direction that is not what is best for al, I am a facing a choice and can chose to follow the mind or can chose to resist the temptation within and as implementing the tools of writing and self forgiveness as to allow myself to see the construct that has come up, as to not suppress it but rather work through it, and so, I realize that in every moment of every breath I can make a new choice and am not limited to the previous choice, thus, I can chose to change now and today starting to live within the principle of what is best for all, regardless of not yet doing it previously. And I realize that in every moment that I chose self interest, that I chose the comfort of not pushing myself, when I chose the "hanging out" rather than applying myself - that is a choice and it will in every moment accumulate as who I am and allowing myself to be, so I realize that I must make sure that I accumulate more "points" of self support and actual genuine care than points of self interest and abuse - I realize this is a process and I will not change over night, but within this I also realize that making the decision is instantaneous and changing my starting point happens in a moment, so there really is no excuse.

 

I realize that it isn't about writing daily but rather writing daily within a starting point of self support and self care, and thus, I commit myself to before and while writing ensure that I am here and breathing, and if and when I see that I am writing in a state of rush as to "just get it over with" I stop myself and breathe, if necessary I attend to what needs my attention so that I can be here fully and write for and as myself, within this I commit myself to prioritize and not allow any distraction to become an excuse of "I'll do it later" because looking at the greater picture - what could be more important than supporting myself in this process of self discovery and self change? Nothing really, and so, I commit myself to set up a time and actually apply myself effectively within this time frame, as planning a date with myself, as I would plan with another, and respect this self date as I would respect a date with another

 

So here I am , making the decision to care for myself and to live this car as an actual physical act, within supporting myself through this process of writing and self forgiveness, to investigate and see in self honesty who I have created myself as, and change myself within the principle of re-creating myself as a human being that lives as an example, that if everybody would learn from my example this world would be best for all - this is my indication that I have lots of work to do, because I know what goes on in my mind, and I know that if everybody in the world would learn from my example at the moment, the world will not be a better place for all - and so I commit myself to walk this process until I can be a living example of the principle of equality as what is best for all -

I realize this must start with myself, if I only care about one being in the world I must be to actually care for myself, not as the mind as to care for my thoughts and feeling and emotions, but for myself, the being that is here, that is experiencing all these ups and downs, the one that is not yet directing oneself but is powerlessly following the thoughts / emotions / feeling, to support myself as the being that is here, to stand up within myself and direct myself, take responsibility and live with integrity and self honor.

Yes, there is a long way to go…

 

I realize the value of breath, and I commit myself to use breath as a tool of self support, to slow myself down and to ground myself, to return to my physical body where I am here, and to direct myself to move from a starting point of breath, to allow myself to stop and breath as many times during the day - to make stopping and breathing my practice, before anything I do / say I stop and breathe and consider what is best for all, what would be most practical and effective and supportive, and what is within justification and self interest - and to slowly but surely more from there, from here, one step at a time.

Day 214 - Fear of people - Being alone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and resist doing things alone

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and resist going dancing / climbing alone, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself as to which activity to participate with and which not, based on if I have someone to go with me, within this, I realize that I have not been applying this as a point of practicality but rather of fear, as I fear and resist going alone due to accepting the fear of facing people on my own, and thus, I allow this fear to limit me

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and resisting doing things alone due to going into my mind in thoughts as back chat and future projections and imaginations of how it will be when if go alone and have people / strangers talk to me

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid going places alone because in my imaginations and future projections of how it will be I cannot come up with how it will be and so I fear the unknown from a starting point of not trusting myself, as if by not knowing exactly how it will be, who will be there and what they will say, I cannot trust that I will know how to handle the situation

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more comfortable doing things when I have someone to do it with, though when looking practically when I am at the event I do enjoy meeting new people and having new conversations, and so it is not an actual fear of people but more of an idea of fear as future projection and "worst case scenario" syndrom

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the following back chat when thinking of going somewhere alone:

"I will be standing there all alone and I will be pathetic"

"No one will talk to me and I will look lonely and rejected"

"The only people that will talk to me will be the ones I don't want talking to me"

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate the back chat that I have been participating in and thus allowing myself to be directed by it without looking at what it is showing me as who I am

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the back chat "I will be standing there all alone and I will be pathetic" and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate being alone to being pathetic, as I have place a value on standing alone and have defined it within an energetic polarity as someone unwanted that symbolized being rejected, unwanted

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief / idea that no one would prefer being alone and thus being alone would never be by choice, but rather a result of being rejected and unwanted, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place an idea of being alone and thus to separate myself from alone as the living word, within not allowing myself to see myself as who I am as the word alone, and thus within looking at myself as the expression of the word I have not allowed myself to investigate the word within and as myself

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that, when I am not in my mind in imaginations and ideas and judgments, and allow myself to be here in breath, I do enjoy myself being alone, and thus, I know within myself that being alone is not bad / pathetic, yet I have allowed myself to exist within this idea and live my life accordingly, as accepting this model / construct and playing by those rules, even though within myself I know that I do enjoy doing things alone when I allow myself to do so mind-free

 

When and as I want to do something and see the thoughts / fears / resistance of doing it alone come up, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to the physical, and remind myself that I do enjoy doing things alone and that it is only the mind as thoughts that is creating the resistance towards doing things alone - within this, I commit myself, when these thoughts as resistance towards doing things alone come up, to stop and breathe and reassess the situation and if practically doing it alone makes sense, then, to push myself to do it and over come the fear as a step towards self trust, as I have evaluated the situation and have directed myself to go ahead and enjoy myself and not allow myself to be limited by the mind's ideas

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that my fear of being alone stems from my judgment towards being alone, and thus the very same judgment I hold towards others as I see them standing alone, I fear facing when it will be turned to me as I stand alone, within tis, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as less than me, for standing alone, while in fact admiring them and looking up to them for not allowing themselves to be limited, and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a polarity within my relationship towards the word alone, as I desire the ability to stand alone and thus project that as comparison and hidden jealousy, and at the same time, as to hide from myself the admiration, to spite those that stand alone in judgemt as to view them as pathetic and thus create within myself the fear of being looked at by others in the same way that I judge those that stand alone

 

When and as I see myself judging others for being alone, I stop myself and breathe, I realize that being alone does not define who they are as good or bad, and that by participating in such in-mind gossip I am not only allowing the construct of judgment and gossip to be, but I am also causing myself direct consequences as the fear of being on the other side of the coin, as to be judged as I judge. And so, I commit myself to stop and breathe, to bring myself back here, and look at the physical reality of the situation without the attachments of values I have added to it, as good / bad

Day 209 - Speaking the information instead of living as example

I've noticed that most people that I talk to about my process go into a form of defense and I was looking at it today as it happened again - I couldn't understand why all my friends and relatives say that they respect me but then when I show them the common sense of the desteni material they don't really go and investigate or ask me for some links or how to get started, they all have created an idea about desteni through one video that they saw and didn't like, and even though I'm not as pushy as I used to be, still people are rejecting, resisting and objecting what I say - today I was talking with my aunt, now, she has always been the person in my life that was working on herself, searching for the truth of reality, questioning authority, and so on, and I'm sure that part of the reason I could hear the desteni message is due to what I've learnt from her as a role model at an earlier age - and now I feel like I want to repay the favor in a way, I know that she will benefit so much if she were to walk this process, I feel responsible to show her the way, and support her through the transition if she chooses to take it - as of yet, she is not budging.

 

So today, as we were walking I questioned myself and my approach and my communication in regards to the desteni point and I realized that I have not been sharing my experience, I have always only shared information, and so what happens is that we end up having an argument, like a power game in regards to the information that we are sharing, each standing by their own "side", and I mean, why should they believe what I am saying about how things are, they know things are otherwise, so it goes back and forth and has no end, because we are talking about information…..

 

I know this is pretty basic, and I think I've actually seen this point before, but here I am, back at square one, realizing the same point over again, and maybe now I will actually learn from myself and apply myself differently to get different results that actually serve me and those around me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel responsible towards others process from the perspective of it being my responsibility to expose them to the information so that they can make an informed decision as to walk the process to support themselves, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that my eagerness to have others join and walk the process is a projection of actually wanting myself to walk the process, as if in a way if I "get someone in" it would compensate not walking effectively myself

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live as an example, and within seeing the responsibility I have of sharing these tools and process of self support, and within realizing time and time again that sharing information is not the key, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take self responsibility and actually apply myself in such a way that I can stand stable and proud within myself knowing that I am practicing first and speaking later, thus sharing my experience and self realizations rather than another belief system as another religion.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that each friend / relative that have been resisting / rejecting me and the information I expose them to, has been doing me a favor from the perspective of showing me that I am talking about information rather than actually speaking and being the living word, and thus, I forgive myself for accepting ad allowing myself to react towards my friends / family in anger and frustration when I couldn't get my point across, while missing the actual point of speaking from and as myself, and thus speaking as the living word as words I have actually lived and am living, not as an ideal but as an actual way of life.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that by speaking and sharing information I am leading us towards an argument of ego as both sides want to be right, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to share information about desteni within the starting point of wanting to be right and wanting to show them and prove to them that my way is the right way, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want them to join and participate with desteni within a self interest starting point, as I want the "points" as recognition of bringing someone in the group, as well as wanting someone from my life that is walking the process as well as if to receive by than an external approval for what I'm doing

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that even though I present myself as wanting others to join desteni and walk their process for their own benefit, I am actually doing it from a self interest starting point, and the clear indication of that is my reaction within the situation, I realize that when I am clear from this starting point and am actually sharing within a supportive starting point, I could then just share that which I can, and expect nothing as a result, and thus experience no energy - in other words, the energetic experience is showing me that I am not clear within my starting point and that I am in fact acting within hidden self interest

 

When and as I speak about and share my process and see myself going into an energetic experience as frustration / wanting to be right / argumentative / insisting I stop myself and breathe, I realize that I'm doing so within a starting point of self interest and am speaking for my own ego and benefit, within this I realize that I cannot support another from a self interest starting point and thus I stop and breathe, I stop the "I want to be right" desire starting point within me, and communicate about the point only from stability, again, within realizing that I am not supporting anyone by doing so from a self interest starting point

 

I realize that only by living as an example can I ever really support others to change themselves, and thus I realize that being a living example of the principles of equality as what is best for all, means that I must start with myself through actually supporting myself daily with the tools of writing and self forgiveness and breath, as I get to know who I am as who I have allowed myself to become and change myself as I learn to better support myself to become an effective human being in this world, thus, when and as I see myself not speaking from my personal experience but instead speaking from a starting point of knowledge as an idea / belief, I stop myself and breathe, I prefer to be silent as I work to change and perfect myself first , and only when I can share my experience in a supportive manner do I speak about it, thus, not allowing myself to just speak for the sake of speaking but to be aware of the power and influence that my words have, and use them with awareness and care.

Day 206 - Questions and hidden agendas - continued

In yesterdays' blog i missed a main point - I wrote about possible starting points for asking a question with a hidden agenda, but I missed the following one, and I think it has actually been a dominant one in my experience - it's when I ask a question within the starting point of arrogance, as seeing the other from above, believing that I see something that they don't, and while it may be true I am not acting within a starting point of support but of separation and superiority

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act / believe myself to be superior to another when I see that I see something that they don't and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask questions within that starting point of arrogance and superiority instead of asking and speaking within a starting point of direct and clear communication, support and guidance.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that as I see myself in others, my reaction towards others asking me questions is in fact a fear of being treated with arrogance and superiority as I have been treating others within my mind and within my reaction in my tonality and expression.

 

When and as I see myself asking / speaking from a starting point of a hidden agenda, I stop and breathe, bring myself back here and direct myself to slow myself down and communicate in breath, as to be clear and direct within what I am saying, and make sure that it is not within a starting point of arrogance / superiority / spitefulness. I commit myself, when and as I see myself going into any of these starting points when speaking to others, specifically when asking questions, to stop myself immediately and breath, I commit myself to breathe in silence until I am certain I am stable and can speak again within participating with the energy of the reaction and thus, making sure I am not creating un necessary back chat in the other's mind, and make sure I am not recreating the situation.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others when I see them asking me within a starting point of superiority / arrogance / spitefulness / hidden agenda, I realize that as long as I react I am showing me that I have not yet cleared myself from that point, and thus, I commit myself, instead of turning to judgment, to turn to gratefulness as I am now able to see that this point is not yet clear within me

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others when I see them asking me questions from energetic starting points, I realize that as long as I react I am showing myself that their comment moved me, and thus I commit myself to investigate why is this point a trigger point for me, and within this, I commit myself to do so in gratefulness for having the opportunity to see that I am unstable in regards to the point. And I commit myself to support myself through writing the point out and applying self forgiveness in self honesty until the point is clear and understood.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually stop myself and breathe before I react, thus, not allowing myself to do what is actually needed, as to stop and breath and return here, in order to prevent the energetic build up from accumulating and within it creating the aggression within me that I then express within my expression and communication

 

I commit myself to stop my participation when I see myself asking a question within a starting point of energy, I stop and breathe, and only when stable speak again.

 

I commit myself, when I am asked a question and I see myself reacting to it, to the how it's being asked, to stop myself and breathe, to allow myself to hear the question and remove all energetic attachment to it, and only listen to the words spoken, in order for me to actually hear if there is anything I can learn and expand from within the question, or if the other can learn and expand within such a conversation, and so I commit myself to direct myself within the conversation within a starting point of support as what is best for all

Day 203 - What will it take to support myself

I've been walking around this point for a long time, having the tools to support myself but not applying them, knowing exactly what I must do to help myself to step out of my own mind set of limitation and self despise, and support myself to walk here, with, as and for myself, in stability.

 

I've known these tools for years, and have been resisting applying them, thus resisting supporting myself, depriving myself of the support, it's like if I were a doctor and saw someone gasping for air and would deprive them of the support that I know I can give them and I can see how much they need - depriving self of the support self requires to stand up in stability it's self abuse, it's self hatred, it's self neglect - it's not acceptable and cannot be justified - and must be stopped.

 

Within myself I knew this all along, and thus, this knowing yet not applying, created inner conflict as knowing what I must do for myself and yet not doing it and so, instead of applying the tools of self support I have turned to self judgment and more self loathing as a form of punishment instead of simply becoming aware of myself not supporting myself and changing myself to live the self support I know I require - within this, I see that not supporting myself results in even greater problems, where, now, it's not just that I am depriving myself the support - in addition to depriving myself the support I am aware of what I'm doing and am hating myself for not supporting myself - so this one act of depriving myself the support I require and as a result judging myself for it, has a double impact of self abuse - and so, within not supporting myself I am playing straight into the mind's hands, as, by not supporting myself, I am creating more back chat, more judgment, and more energy thus increasing the problem that much more, instead of simply taking the physical actions of supporting myself to decrease the problem, and eventually to eliminate it. Which one must ask oneself - why am I not willing to do what is necessary to eliminate the problem? And the answer that follows is that one has not made a clear decision to change - and so, as long as I fear changing, as long as I fear losing myself more than what I actually have to lose by not changing - I will never change - and so, one must ask oneself, why do I fear changing? What have I got to lose? And the answer that follows is clearly nothing - I have nothing to lose but my self definition / belief / idea as who I am within the accepted limitation of who I am - which is such an odd thing, because that which I want to change within myself is that which I fear losing!?!?!?!?

 

So, what will it take for me to support myself? What must happen?

 

This point opened up today as I was faced with the physical reality of what would the consequences be if I do not start supporting myself, I experienced a breakdown over the smallest thing , and obviously, if I breakdown over the small stuff, one can only imagine how would I react to big problems / issues / decisions I may face - I experienced myself in such emotional instability that I couldn't decide the smallest decisions - so obviously I am not living as effectively as I can if I were to support myself to self realize, and stabilize myself - so I can see the level of instability I can easily reach over the little things, I can see the physical consequences of what's at stake and what I can lose, I can see the state of constant self disappointment for knowing I am not embracing myself, not supporting myself to become the best that I can be - I see all this, and I know I have the power and ability to give myself exactly what I need, to walk the process of self forgiveness to letting go of all of these self sabotaging patterns and rebirth myself as a being that is self supportive and trust worthy - so what am I waiting for?

 

So, here I am , starting over, committing myself to support myself or else - or else I will deem myself to feel miserable forever, deem myself to be unstable, deem myself to self judgment, deem myself to failure, deem myself to loneliness - I can either support myself to live here within breath in every moment, or I can kill myself a slow and painful death as I walk as the shadow of myself.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself daily, even though I knew within myself that this support is vital for my well being, and thus I have deliberately deprived myself of the required support I knew I needed

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deprive myself of self support as writing myself to freedom, applying self forgiveness and self corrective statements, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the consequences of depriving myself of such support, or actually, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse myself from supporting myself within playing the ignorant card, as within the excuse that I don't see , realize and understand the value of applying these tools, but in fact I do know the value, and that is why I have experience such inner conflict as I was trying to wake myself up to see that which I have been trying to ignore

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not push through the distractions as resistance to writing within the habit of having everything come easy, or not doing anything if it involves effort

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as someone that doesn't push through effort, and thus I have limited myself to only participate with that which is easy and not challenging, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how limiting this is and how I have deprived myself from expanding and growing within learning and pursuing new aspects that were not in my preprogrammed and automated path

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself and accept my own self created limitation, instead of allowing myself to see the value of pushing through and proving to myself that I am limitless and can in fact do anything and learn anything as long as I am willing to walk the physical steps in practical application

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create ideas about some things / chores / activities and define them as hard, and thus, to build up a resistance towards them, instead of simply walking in breath, the physical practical steps that are required to be walked to accomplish the specific point

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of fear towards such activities / responsibilities / chores, that I have not yet learned to do and thus within believing the idea I have in regards to them prevent myself from even trying to walk through them in fear - instead of letting go all ideas and simply walking the point practically in physical steps, within breath.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have lived like this al my life, and thus to have lost many opportunities I had because I feared pursuing them in believing an idea, instead of walking through life in breath, in physical reality, in finding solutions to any problems that come along instead of antisipating problems and within fear going the other way

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to walk here in breath, and thus, not trust myself to solve any problems that comes along, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to try to guess possible problems in anticipation and anxiety and thus to exist in my mind instead of here in reality where I can practically prepare myself to over come any obstacle.

Day 202 - Religion of Self

It's a fascinating process - realizing that all that I define myself as and live by is only but a self created self belief, and that I have the power and the ability to question these self beliefs and, when and as I find that the self belief is of a self sabotaging nature as most are, to then change it, stop my participation with it, stop believing in it as the truth of me, stop following it and accepting it as the only reality of myself.

 

Having said that, the self belief I am currently facing is the belief that I require external motivation to get myself moving effectively - such as having someone telling me what to do, or having a boss that is looking out at me and will judge my actions, or having a partner that my actions directly influence them and thus they will be there looking out, making sure that I do my job - I see that by having such external points of motivation, I will motivate and move myself to actually get my responsibilities done within the starting point of wanting to please them and gain their validation, positive confirmation and approval, and simultaneously to avoid conflict and disappointment.

 

In other words, I have allowed myself to be directed by this self belief in such a way that if I am my own boss, where I can only disappoint myself, I am less likely to motivate myself effectively and to ensure that I apply myself to the best of my ability and complete my responsibilities -- sadly this implies how much I have been diminishing myself as my self value and self worth, as I value others more than myself, as I am willing to disappoint myself but not others, I am willing to brake my own word to myself and not stand within my responsibility when it hurts / effects me, but not others… obviously there is a deeper meaning and explanation rather then it just being how I value others more than myself, as I realize all this form of self sabotage is rooted in self interest, and thus actually is not about 'them' but rather about me at all times - but this is a topic for another blog...

 

Now, I realize that if I can be effective within a situation where external motivation is applied - this would mean that I do in fact have the capability of being effective regardless the situation, and thus the belief that I require external motivation is a self limiting belief, where through accepting it, I create myself in alignment to it and make it to be true - but when looking at this self belief critically - it doesn't even make any sense, because if physically and practically I am able to focus and be effective within one specific environment as when having external motivation, that implies that I have the capacity of doing so in any environment, as long as I let go the self belief that is limiting me from doing so.

 

I just had a conversation with a friend and they pointed out that sometimes instead of struggling to change one can support oneself in adjusting the environment to make it easier to function, and so if I believe I require external motivation, it's cool to see and admit to it within self honesty as seeing where I currently am, as what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as, and then within realizing and admitting to this, one can support oneself with creating the environment that will best cater ones needs - this statement / idea / philosophy of his made me realize that there is a very fine line between being hard on myself, as banging my head against the wall so to speak, in trying to deliberately walk through such points into self change, and between taking the simple/physical/practical approach of accepting who I am as the self belief - I realize that walking this fine line is where self honesty is developed - this is where it's not a prewritten recipe with a right and wrong way to go about it - for example, I know I have been too hard on myself from the perspective that I have been allowing myself to judge myself and then my starting point was always within judgment, which created a form of struggle within my process, as if I am bad and must fix/change myself to deserve and be worthy of life - and my friend on the other hand has accepted his limitations and self beliefs and truly believes there is nothing to be done besides changing his environment/circumstances to suite him… I would like to learn to apply both, as to accept myself as who I am at this very moment within the accepted self belief, as this is where I am now, and from this point of awareness, of seeing clearly who I have created myself as, to realize that this self belief has power over me only as long as I allow it to, and from there to start a process of self investigation to understand the structure of the self belief, of my relationship to the self belief, to be able to let it go within self forgiveness and to not be enslaved to it any longer.

 

I have been judging myself and from a starting point of self judgment I have resisted to walk my process of self forgiveness, and thus have resisted to apply myself in writing and thus sabotaging my process of self change. I have been procrastinating writing with so many excuses and justifications, even though each time I have written it has been so supportive, and so, depriving myself from this support is simply a form of self neglect and abuse, as a form of a self statement of not being worthy of support due to the massive self judgment.

 

And so, I am here, and I stop the self abuse, I stop neglecting myself, I commit myself once again to support myself in writing, to open up the self beliefs, the thoughts, the patterns, one by one, within breath, slowly and surely until it is done. so here I am, starting over once again. Making the decision to take care of myself, to support myself and to free myself from the limitations, manipulation and abuse of the mind as I have allowed and accepted myself to exist as.

 

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Day 198 - 21 days of self dedication - Self Value - self forgiveness

 

Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1

Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic

Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage

Day 194 - 21 days of self dedication – misusing the desteni process

Day 195 - 21 days of self dedication - part 5 – but I am still here

Day 196 -21 days of self dedication – part 6 - experience of isolation

Day 197 - 21 days of self dedication - self value - day 7

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate the feeling / experience of isolation to being alone, and within that to have attached a negative charge to being alone, with myself - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer not being alone, with myself, but to have placed more value on being with others - within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value others more than myself as I prefer their presence rather than my own.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself, and within it to enjoy my present - to be satisfied just being here within and as myself

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I must do something to earn value from, not allowing myself to embrace / accept myself unconditionally, but to judge my value according to what I do, and in relation to others

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize all life is equal, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that as long as I don't value myself, I am a living expression of inequality, whereas in equality all life has equal value and thus value loses it's meaning - thus, as long as I experience the pain / inner conflict of not seeing my own self worth / value, I am in fact participating in the expression and manifestation of inequality

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to know myself as unworthy / invaluable, within this, to put myself down, to sell myself short, and to accept / expect the worst - all within a starting point of not realizing myself as valuable as life.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize my own self value, and to live according to it, instead I have been living and expressing myself in alignment with the experience of worthlessness, and thus not pushing myself outside of this loop, as I believe myself to be worthiness and then prove myself right by not living as a living example and expressing of worth / value - instead of stepping out of the loop, within forgiving myself for ever going into it, and within stopping my pattern of participation within it.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to anticipate failure within the starting point of not seeing my self value, and within it to give up before I even try as to prove myself right

 

When and as I see myself going into the mind as back chat and future projection of failure, I stop myself and breathe, I note to myself what are the practical steps that I can currently take, and I act on them - when and as I see myself giving up before even trying, within not applying the practical steps but instead preparing the way towards failure - I stop myself and breathe - I push myself beyond my limits within realizing that it is these points of resistance that change is possible, and the only way to exist as valuable is to live as valuable

 

I forgive myself for accepting and alliwung myself to hold onto memories as justifications of not valuing myself

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto memories of family events / scenarios, where I have compared myself back the as less than, and here I am today, still using this memory against myself as proof of my inferiority - instead of putting a stop to it within not allowing myself to abuse and mistreat myself as such through the mind, but to stand up for myself and demand myself to be respectful towards myself, to honor myself, and it starts with letting go the memories that are emotionally charged, and within breath, considering the practical common sense of reality as the physical

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and apply that my mind cannot be trusted, and thus, I must walk only in the breath as what is here, and anything that comes from the mind as words in my head and emotions / feelings / thoughts / back chat / energy that comes up within me that I didn't direct - I must investigate, and if it isn't one with the principle of that which is best for all life, and within it best for self - I stop it, forgive it, let it go, and breathe

 

I realize I have been easy with myself, always going back to the painful comfort of the mind - this is actually another point of self worth / value - where I have created such judgment towards myself for not moving / changing within my process, that it has become another layer of unworthiness, within this I realize that it is a mind trap, and that by "feeling" that I have no value because I am not walking effectively, is not a step towards walking effectively and is not a step towards step value - a step in the right direction would be to write it out - and if I believe I have not yet begun my process - then simply begin it - make the decision - walk it, live it, commit to it, to self, to life - there is nothing to think about or judge simply do.

 

I realize from this perspective that yes, my value should be unconditional, lol, but even saying that is a form of judgment, isn't it?... And so, I realize that the more I apply myself the more valuable I become towards myself, the more I write I express self care and that speck of self value / worth enhances - and so, I commit myself to use the experience of worthlessness / feeling invaluable as a reminder to sit down and write, and care for myself and forgive myself and support myself, or to apply myself in any thing I have decided to do - this within realizing that the experience of being invaluable is like a black hole, that sucks me into a spiral of self pity - and only self support, practical physical action is the way to prove myself wrong and "snap out of it" in self direction and self honor.

 

In this, I commit myself, when I see that energy / back chat of worthlessness coming up, to shake it off with a physical action, such as writing, or self forgiveness - in writing or a loud, or an actual physical jump / walk / shake - to physically shake off and away the destructive sucking energy of worthlessness - and within it, I commit myself to live self worth

 

What is the expression of self worth / self value? It is self care, self support, self investigation, self forgiveness, self change and self honesty - anything otherwise is thus the expression ad manifestation of worthlessness, all of which I must terminate.

 

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Day 194 - 21 days of self dedication – misusing the desteni process

 

Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1

Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic

Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage

 

I've been walking this process with desteni for a while now, and I recently noticed that I've been dong it all wrong… lol…

 

What I mean is that I have been taking on the information and seeing the truth in it as a philosophy, and I even appreciate the practical application and see the validity and common sense within it - but I have not actually taken the actual real step of applying it for and as myself and testing for and as myself to see if it is actually a valid practical solution, as suggested to write and self forgive and so on.

 

So, in this process you get to see that all that you though was good in the world is not really, and that all that I believed about myself is not in fact who I am - and without the application of self forgiveness what I have done is taken all this information on as another way to judge and abuse myself - like now I have validation that I am as bad a fuck up as I believe myself to be - all the other groups / religions / methodologies / spiritualities that I have been involved with always had a nice twist to it all, and so you could always end up thinking of yourself that you are ok and that everything will be ok - here with desteni you get the harsh truth, and the point is to understand the mechanics of it, to realize that even this fuck up that we have become does not define us, and to through actual practical application of self forgiveness and self investigation in self honesty into finding practical and livable solutions to change oneself into becoming a being of integrity - so, I got the point, I saw the harsh truth, and I used it against myself, instead of APPLYING SELF FORGIVENESS.

 

Without self forgiveness as a basic tool in this process of self change, as letting go of the "who I am" that you believe yourself to be, and instead recreating yourself, rebirthing yourself as life, into an actual living being, that is not automated by destructive and abusive robotic patterns, but that actually lives for and as life, all life, equally.

 

How have I abused myself with this process? (Let this be a warning for all of you that may do this to yourself - don't!!!)

 

As I said, I saw all the "bad" things in the world, nothing that I thought was good was real anymore - I saw love as self interest, I saw friendships as deceptive, I saw myself as acting and never actually living as myself, and my thoughts -I saw how evil they really were, so much manipulation and fear and spitefulness, and judgment - wow, so much judgment…

 

Anyway, without the act of forgiving myself for who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, without making a statement towards myself that I see who I have been and become and I direct myself to change myself into a being of self worth - without forgiveness there is no forgiveness, and then all there is, is seeing all this crap and bathing in it, judging myself for it, and going down a distractive spiral of self judgment - and doing so in the justification that I am walking process, preaching to anyone who will listen that I am walking a process of self change and sharing how this process is the best - when in fact all I have done with it is use it against me - it's interesting too, cause I have been getting feedback from my friends, from the very beginning of my walking, that I am being to hard on myself within this process, and I told myself that they just don't get it and just justified myself as being right, and everything I am doing is the right thing to do, I was on this high of "I found the path, you are all losers" - lol, but actually I was the loser, because I had found a path, I was convinced it was a worthy path to walk, yet instead of walking it for and as myself, I stood by it, watching other people going past it and judging them, or walking on it and comparing myself to them in inferiority asking myself "how are they moving so fast, and why am I not moving? What is wrong with me?" when I hadn't yet taken the step of making a clear decision of walking down this path, trusting myself within it - in this path, SELF FORGIVENESS is a necessary part of the path / process - I wanted to believe that it doesn't have to be, but 4 years later I am standing in the same, and other's that have been applying self forgiveness share their experience, and something is happening in their lives - they are changing. Can I say that about myself? I'm not so sure.

 

So if I were a scientist, my research shows, that walking next to process but not actually walking it for / as myself within actually applying the tools - has been found to be not effective - where as other people testify that walking the process for real, within an honest intention of self investigation and self change in self forgiveness - has been found to being very effective. So, as a scientist, I should now conduct a true experiment, to check for myself if this is true - if consistent application of self forgiveness within an honest intention of self investigation and self change, is actually effective.

 

I guess this is what my 21 days of self dedication is about - I am fed up with walking but not really walking this process - I have been on the farm for 8 months and it's fucking frustrating seeing myself not moving, not changing, not applying - the only thing is that everything is amplified here, so I see myself with more clarity - and it is not a lovely sight, as before, but with more clarity… and still, no self forgiveness means no self forgiveness - and what I require most is to forgive myself so I can start living with myself in peace, so I can start recreating myself and rebirthing myself as a life worth living.

 

This is way I state that I have misused the process, because I have taken something that could have been of great benefit for me, and instead of applying it, I have stood behind it and used it to justify my own continued self abuse / sabotage / judgment.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to misuse the desteni process as a platform of self abuse disguised as self support, not realizing that I am only sabotaging myself by doing so, and that I am creating a relationship with the process as not being effective, but in fact I have never given it a valid chance, so to speak

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take al the "bad" realizations from what I've seen through the knowledge within the desteni process, and instead of walking it through a process of self forgiveness within realizing that only through forgiveness can I take responsibility for the point, as to let it go and change myself in relationship to it - I have seen the point and deliberately used it against me in self judgment / sabotage

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my self realizations against me, as armor of self judgment / abuse, within justifying myself through holding onto the past that I am fucked and will not change so no point of trying - instead of taking a breath, realizing that even these thoughts are not coming from myself but are a result of my constant participation within / as the mind

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk the process of self forgiveness effectively within fear / resistance towards change, as change would be a physical indication that I was in fact living a lie, and there is a point of ego as myself, as a point of "I want to be right" that is resisting change, as it would prove I was always ever wrong

 

I commit myself to walking this process slowly and gently, but within applying discipline as to actually walk in consistency, until I can say in self honesty that I have given it a shot, and actually see for myself the benefits or lack thereof - within this, when / if I see benefits form this application, I commit myself to support myself with this application and consistently supporting myself with it - I commit myself to become a being that supports oneself in self care and not continue allowing myself to sabotage/ abuse myself repeatedly

 

Ok - more tomorrow

 

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Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage

Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1

Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic

 

I have a nasty tendency to be hard on myself, to judge myself and the situation into expecting the worse, I assume, and prepare myself for the worst - this is completely self destructive, I mean - nothing good can come out of it, it is totally based in fear and doesn't not allow myself to actually put my heart into anything because I am so worried of failure that I don't even try.

 

I have recently made a career decision, and in the past few days I have been training for this career, the training is intensive, there is a lot to learn, know and perfect, so "naturally" I very often go to the "I'm still not good enough" character, which it's actually funny now that I look at it, because it is true that I am still not good enough - is a common sense fact that one must practice and only with consistent application and with experience, will one come to perfect one's application, but I haven't been saying to myself "I'm still not good enough" from a starting point of self honesty and common sense, but rather from a starting point of only seeing the worst, looking for the points of imperfection while ignoring the progress, getting a form of rush from not being good enough, as it validates my existence as a no-good-failure…

 

And, seriously, I mean, this is very fucked up, it is obviously not self supportive, it is actually self abuse - if I would treat a child as I treat myself I would be taken away for child abuse - I must learn to parent myself, to be my own parent, to practice self discipline and push myself to do the work that needs to be done, but also to gently embrace myself in self acceptance, in common sense, in realizing that everything that I will ever learn will always be a process, there are no real McDonald's quick fix magic, and thus, there is no point to beat me up while I'm learning but rather to nurture myself in support and understanding. Man, why is it so hard to care for myself enough to unconditionally give myself the chance to learn, expand and develop? I've had enough of this shit!!! And here self doubt comes up again, reminding me that I've had enough before and have did nothing about it, so why is this time going to be any different? What can I say to that?

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the past as memories to dictate who I am, instead of unconditionally letting go the past and allowing myself to direct myself here, in breath, in common sense and practicality, within self support as what is best for all life.

 

I realize that each time I allow myself to go down the rabbit's whole with this chain of thoughts as "why is this time going to be different" I am giving such thoughts power over me, as I am validating them through my participation, and so, I commit myself to stop myself in breath, if and when such thoughts come up, as thoughts that take the wind out of my sail so to speak, thoughts that are based in my past experience, trapping me to the past and depriving me the possibility of changing - and so, I commit myself to stop, and to as I have done just now, write out the point, expose my thoughts to myself so that I know what I am allowing myself to do / tell to myself. I realize that I have accumulated this character / personality over years, and that it will take years of stopping and forgiving to actually stop once and for all - and so, am I up for the challenge? Well, there is no other choice is there? I cannot un-know that which I know about myself, I cannot un-see that which I've seen, so I haven't really got an option, because it will always, always, always, come back to this, because there really is no where to run and hide, so there is no point trying, and trying to hide only makes things worse and only accumulates more shit to deal with.

 

Today, after a few days of training I have lost my voice - I see this as a physical manifestation of self sabotage, as an excuse to rest and take a break, and so, instead of taking a self directed brake, or on the contrary, instead of directing myself to push through the desire to rest and complete the task in constant self motivation, I have given myself a physical condition, another form of self victimization, using the body as an excuse to rest instead of being direct about it or directly pushing through it, either way, not being self honest with myself up to the point of manifesting a physical condition - I can also see this sudden loss of voice, as a justification for failure, as if proving to myself that even physically I don't have what it takes to succeed in the business. I can also see it as the expression of the fear of speaking up and being heard - but the bottom line is, no matter what the actual reason, it is based in self dishonesty in regards to fear, self inadequacy and self judgment - and I cannot stress this point enough - it's time to stop!!!

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the consequences my body is going through due to my participation in self sabotaging thoughts, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to scarifies my physical body, disregarding it completely, as I participate in fear, and self sabotaging instead of supporting myself here, as the physical as what is actually here as life

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that every moment spent in the mind as thoughts / back chat / emotions / fears / excitements, is a moment not spent here, within and as my physical body, and thus, is a moment spent in separation of / from myself, and thus, of / from reality

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the direct connection between my participation within / as the mind and the physical body suffering

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the consequences my physical body as myself, go through due to my addiction to the mind's patterns and energy, while using the excuse that I don't see / experience my direct responsibility to pain and suffering of my physical body, and thus to allow myself to continue within / as my mind, but in fact it is deliberate self deception, because regardless of what I don't see directly, I do see directly other forms of abuse and suffering cause by my participation within / as my mind, and I have yet to stop - so at least I should be self honest with myself and not pretend that I don't see the pain, because I do - it is all the same in all levels / dimension, and so, if my participation within / as the mind cause pain / suffering on any level, it causes pain / suffering in all levels - and it fucking does!!

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to myself into believing that I would do something if I saw the pain, because I am a caring being and couldn't stand the sight / knowledge of suffering, but the fact is that all I have ever lived for has been self interest, and not actual care, and so, I forgive myself for judging myself for that, and therefore lying to myself, and instead I commit myself to developing self care within equality and oneness, and what is best for all life, and so to learn to care not only for myself in self interest, but for all as equals - and to become a being of self honor

It's interesting because I can see all scenarios, and I see how I am the only one responsible for the outcome - thus, I see, realize and understand that if I succeed of fail is completely up to me, I know this to be true, and within this, I know and can further more investigate, what are the points where I can set myself up for a fall, where are the points that will be a challenge and where there will be a point of decision - will I allow myself to push through and succeed, or will I accept my failure without even trying to push through such a predictable point / challenge…

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prepare the way before me towards failure

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself with not applying myself as effectively as I know I can, and then to judge myself for not applying myself as best as I can enhancing the experience of being a failure - not realizing how it is all directly created by myself, within my participation with these useless and destructive thoughts.

 

I forgive myself for judging myself for losing my voice, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to consider that my voice requires rest, and not to place value and more back chat over it, but simply allow my voice to rest and restore itself

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go to self sabotage, self judgment, negativity and pessimism, as fast as an instinct, instead of allowing myself to slow myself down, and to breathe, and to not follow such thoughts patterns, like a lifeless puppet, but to allow myself to become the directive principle of my life, and actually direct myself into stability, and not allow myself to go into that evil state of self abuse - till here no further - that's enough!!

 

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