My journey to life

Day 79 - The lowest point

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Posted by Maya R at 1:01 PM Labels: character, corrected, correction, creation, desteni, equality, fear, journey to life, judgment, manipulation, mistake, self honesty, self ineterst, self judgment, special, specialness 0 comments

Day 85 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 6

This blog is continuing from the previous blog:

Day 79 - The lowest point

Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1

Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2

Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3

Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4

Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5

Within the character of being corrected/told what to do, within investigating the fear dimension, I see a point of not being special/unique as I would like to be, so the point of fear would then be fear of letting go the idea of myself as special/unique.

The point comes up within the interpretation of the scenario of being corrected as if I had presented myself in a specific way, that make others perceive me as special/unique/smart/interesting… and then within making a mistake and thus having to be corrected/told what to do, the bubble had burst, and it's not that they think badly of me, but they no longer think I am especially smart/interesting/intelligent/competent... I am now reduced to being just another somebody, another imperfect mortal, mistakes and all….

So the point of fear is the fear of losing the idea of myself as being special and within it, losing being seen as special. So this brings up the obvious question of why do I believe I require being special? Why do I need to be more than myself as specialness? and again, this desire to be special reveals the point of self diminishment as the core beingness as who I have allowed myself to become, where I see that due to not actually accepting myself, not loving myself, not believing I am worthy of life as one and equal to all that is life, I create an idea/belief within myself that I require being special, to accept myself, to love myself and to see myself as worthy, and within that a belief that others as myself will see it in the same way, where they expect me to be special as if to earn my right for respect, acceptance, love, my right to life. this too within the idea, as perceived belief that the value of life lies within other's acceptance of me.

Within the desire to be special there is a point of expecting to get something out of it, like being special is a key to get things to go my way within self interest, wither it is attention, acceptance, or whatever it may me, there is a belief that being special will provide me with more than not being special, thus it is seen as an asset, thus the fear of losing it, or rather the fear of exposing the actuality of myself as not being special is the fear of losing this power I believed I had to manipulate people to get things done my way.

I have realized that within equality all are equally special/unique within their individuality as their personalities of the mind, as all have different experiences/perspective/beliefs/preferences…. and within all being different from the perspective of the mind, no one can actually be special, thus the desire to be special is based in valuing some ideas/skills/experiences/perspectives more than others, through judgment, and done within self interest thus does not consider all as what is best for all in equality, no, specialness is the justification that one deserve more than others and at the expense of others.

So, in fact, being corrected is a trigger point to face myself as I see the fear of the bubble of the idea/perception of me as who I present myself to be, is bursts, and the interesting thing is that within the desire to be special, I can take the failure/mistake/correction into the polarity personality and create myself as special from the perspective of being a failure, thus always looking for points of comparison, finding a polarity I can be the most at, even if it is a "negative" most, as being most corrected, most wrong, slowest...

It's fascinating how little of who I am I actually know, and how I am like a puppet, moving through out myself, creating myself within self interest to be seen, validated, as anything, even if I had deemed it bad, as long as I can define myself by it, instead of simply being me, being the living expression of me, as life, in breath, in the simplistically of the physical reality in oneness and equality, why do I need to define myself through other's eyes, does a tree need to define itself to be? No it is what it is, no definition or interpretation or approval needed.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Posted by Maya R at 7:48 AM Labels: competition, darkness, desteni, fear, inferior, judgment, limitation, mistake, self abuse, self definition, self doubt, self forgiveness, self honesty, self ineterst, self support, self trust 0 comments

Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension – Mistakes - Part 1

This blog is continuing from the previous blog:

Here I start a series of blogs, within looking at the character of "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" and see what comes up as I walk the character dimensions, in the blogs to come, as fear, thoughts, back chat, reactions, behavior, consequences, so i will open up each dimension and write it out through self forgiveness and self commitments statements

I start with the fear dimension, as what are the fears that come up within me, in regards to being corrected and being told what to do:

Fears
I fear making a mistake/failing/being wrong
I fear being seen by others as wrong/stupid/slow/bad at what I'm doing
I fear not being seen as good/awesome/smart/competent and instead being seen as everybody else - not special
I fear others thinking they are more than me
I fear authority / I fear confronting authority
I fear disappointing others as they "expected more from me"
I fear being seen as someone who slacks off
I fear being caught of cutting corners or not caring about doing a great job
I fear being yelled at or upset with or punished
I fear being someone's slave, as in being in a position of having to do what another tells me to do
I fear being taken advantage of, being manipulated in doing someone else's job/responsibility
I fear losing the self definitions of how I see myself as good/smart/competent/special/extraordinary/unique

I fear making a mistake:
Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making mistakes, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define a mistake as something bad instead of seeing it as a gift, as something I can learn from and expand from, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for making mistakes within an expectation and self definition of myself to do everything good/perfect, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can/should do everything good/perfectly without allowing myself to see the physical process of learning as a path to get to doing something good/perfect and within that, as not allowing myself to see that doing something effectively takes a process of accumulation as practice, I have limited myself within the fear of making mistakes and thus not allowing myself to enjoy participating in anything that I do not yet do effectively/good/perfect, and within that have created resistance towards activities that I do not yet do good/effectively/perfect, instead of allowing myself to be here, without fear/resistance towards mistakes and thus allow myself to enjoy making mistakes within the realization that that it is an opportunity of growth/expansion

I commit myself, when I see myself making a mistake, to stop myself within breath, to take a moment to myself to see the mistake and take it in as myself, to accept myself as the mistake, I commit myself to within allowing myself to accept myself as the mistake to see the point of correction/expansion, I commit myself to stopping any judgment/ego that come up when I see myself making a mistake through breathing and bringing myself back to here, the physical body/reality, as I've realized/seen that the judgment that is based on expectation is limiting me through beliefs/definitions of what/how I should be and thus not allowing myself to be equal to who I really am in the moment, and within this I commit myself to allow myself to learn/expand/correct/perfect myself in my application through accepting myself as/within mistakes, and within that to direct myself within every breath and every activity I participate within/as to that which is best for all, without any limitation of fear of making a mistake, simply allowing myself to practically walk the steps and correct myself as I go along

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others when they make a mistake and hold it against them as a memory within myself so that I can use it against them if I ever need to within a starting point of competition/ego/self interest, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the fear/resistance I have towards mistakes is an outflow/result/consequence of how I allow myself to judge/treat others when I "catch" them making a mistake, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my judgment/behavior towards other's mistake is indicating/showing to me my fears, and within that how I judge/define them as they make a mistake is how I define myself within a mistake, which I then fear of facing my own definition of mistake which I fear, because I have defined it within a construct of competition and having to prove one self in order to be worthy of life, instead of defining it within alignment with life as a word/definition that can support us as life to create a world worth living in for all equally and thus stopping the separation from "mistake" as I use it within a context of self support, and thus not judge others and use it against them from a starting point of power/ego/self interest, but rather support myself and them as myself to grow/expand as we correct ourselves into perfection one mistake at a time, one breath at a time.

I commit myself to stop myself within breath when I see myself judging others for what I perceive is as making a mistake, I commit myself to support others as myself within realizing a mistake as a point of growth/expansion and thus not a point of judgment as "bad" to be hold against them within self interest as competition/ego/doubt, I commit myself to investigate my reactions towards other people making mistakes and to within looking at the specific judgments coming up within me as blame turn it back to self and investigate how I react towards myself in the same way as judgment/blame/doubt, I see within this a point of building doubt towards the accumulated mistakes thus, I commit myself to through redefining "mistake" as a point of self support and not as a bad thing to stop myself from holding on to memories of mistakes as accumulating bad points that build up as doubt, and instead to build up points of realization and accumulate mistakes as building block for expansion as building self trust within myself and as support for others building self trust within themselves, I commit myself to embrace myself as/within mistakes and thus to embrace others within their mistakes and to will/push myself to find the source/cause/reason of the mistake as cutting corners/dislike the task/ineffective communication/misunderstandings/lack of time and within investigating the cause of the mistake to find points of correction within/through writing/self forgiveness/corrective statements and to insure the source/cause is dealt with and resolved

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in fear of seeing/facing myself as a mistake, and thus I react when others point out my mistakes, thus allowing myself to be limited within fear to the definition I have created as mistake as myself, within this I forgive myself for not allowing myself to face myself as what I fear most and see within that that I can stand from it, instead of fearing it and believing my fear and thus always being directed/limited by the fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto my pride as self definition of myself and not allow myself to be humble as to accept myself as/within mistake. Within holding on to pride as myself, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie/manipulate/deceive/blame to get myself out of a position of admitting to a mistake, and thus having to put my pride aside, as I have defined pride as powerful/stable and I fear losing my power/stability and being weak, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define power/weakness according to making mistakes, not realizing that the real power is within self honesty, and in standing within self responsibility and facing all/any mistakes and learning from them into self correction/perfection

I commit myself, through writing, self forgiveness, and self commitments within the support of breath, to stop myself from participating with fears as I allow myself to be directed by them, I commit myself to investigate my reactions/behavior/thoughts/emotions in regards to making mistake and the fear that come along with them, and to through breathing and investigating the self definitions that I have defined myself as that I fear losing through making a mistake to stop my participation within/as my fears and to stand as what is best for all in every breath. I commit myself to expose the abuse and limitation created by participating in the fears that come up in regards to making mistakes as I limit my application within/as fear, as I lie/manipulate/blame to hide my mistakes within fear, as I go into spitefulness within/as fear as self defense for fear of losing my image I work so hard to build, as I hold on to others mistakes within the self created competition as survival of my ego, as I am fighting for my pride within self interest as my ego and not standing up for life within expanding myself humbly through making mistakes, I commit myself to build self honesty through allowing myself to humbly accept myself within/as mistakes, and to stop myself within as breath when I see myself acting from a starting point of pride to defend myself when in fact I have made a mistake that needs correction, thus I commit myself to breathe before answering, to stabilize myself within/as myself and to within accepting myself as the mistake to humbly see what I can do to fix/change/correct it within taking self responsibility for who/what I am and how/what I have done

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use mistakes as a justification, as proof of my unworthiness/inferiority and thus within each mistake I make or am called on I prove to myself as justifying the defining myself as unworthy/inferior that hides beneath the "positive" self definition I try to maintain, as if every mistake accumulates as I'm building a case against myself, as I accumulate mistakes as memories to hold onto against myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself the self definition of being completely useless, ineffective, unworthy of life, within the belief that if I hide it from myself I will not have to face seeing myself in such an unpleasant way, and thus exist within inner conflict as two contradicting self definitions, of good/bad, living as a polarity of self definitions hiding the dark/low/bad sides I believe myself to be and put all my energy in expressing/presenting/believing myself to be good and hide the bad/low/dark/evil side from everyone including myself, thus when making a mistake the dark self definition within me is activated and thus inner conflict is manifested as a "bad" experience of being corrected, but within this I haven't allowed myself to realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up a fear towards these hidden characters as self beliefs to come up through my actions and the judgments of others as they see me make mistakes and define me, in my eyes, as useless, ineffective and unworthy of life for making mistakes and not proving myself other wise through being perfect, within this I have allowed myself to exist within total separation of myself, as I have split myself into several self definitions as polarity good/bad, and have hidden some of these self definitions from myself as I judge them and fear others to see them and judge them, and I have allowed myself to create through this layers of deception as I present myself in a specific way, instead of stopping within the realization that all these self definitions do not actually define who/what I am as life, and are only limiting my self as self expression, creating a wall between me and myself as I don't accept myself unconditionally as I believe I need to prove to myself my worthiness through being perfect based on an idea/belief that by making mistakes I am justifying the one side of the self definition polarity, the side which I am ashamed of within believing it to be me

and so I commit myself to let go of all self definition I hold towards myself and others as I realize it is the cause of much friction and conflict, within and without, I commit myself to stop looking for ways to justify to myself my self definition wither good/bad, as I let go all self definition, due to realizing the vast extent of limitation/abuse within self definition, wither good/bad, thus I allow myself to peel the layers of self definition trough breath, within self honesty, and to recreate myself as life, not as definition, and to push myself to align myself with reality as the physical and not the judgment/self definitions of the mind

I commit myself to stop justifying to myself why I am worthless/useless/inferior, I commit myself to when I see myself going into self diminishment I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here to/as my physical body, I don't allow myself to participate in thoughts of self diminishment and thus I commit myself to when making mistakes taking them as empowering and not as an excuse of further self diminishment, changing how I use mistakes from a starting point of self abuse to a starting point of self support

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Saturday, October 20, 2012

Posted by Maya R at 10:13 AM Labels: agreement, capitalism, caring, commitment, construct, consumarism, debt, desire, desteni, elite, emotional manipulation, eqafe, fear, friend, friendship, self honesty, self ineterst, self support, slave, spitefulness 0 comments

Day 66 - Friendship - Part 8 - The Debt System

continue from my previous blogs:

Day 59 - Redefining friendship

Day 60 - friendship - Part 2 - Care and Support

Day 61 - Friendship - Part 3 - Care and Support - Self Forgiveness

Day 62 - Friendship - Part 4 – Limitation

Day 63 - Friendship - Part 5 – Quality Time

Day 64 - Friendship - Part 6 - Quality time - Self Forgiveness

Day 65 - Friendship - Part 7 - Consumerism

Many times within friendship one finds oneself doing something they don't really want to do, but they do it because they are a "good friend", they want to be nice, they compromise, bend over backwards, do whatever it takes to accommodate and please their friend… they do it within self interest, because it's within their interest to please their friend and feel good about themselves, but they make it appear it's for their friend. The point of self interest is complex, not only do we want to see ourselves in a good light, through being a "good friend", but another dimensions would be that there is an expectation that it will be seen and appreciated and noted by the friends, and thus in time we will be rewarded in some way or another, in other words, the debt that has been created through one being a "good friend" will supposedly be paid off in the future, and as in economics, holding someone in debt is a point of power and control.

So, here's a scenario to look at - I do something for my friend, lets say help them move their apartment, just because they asked me to and I didn't want to say no, I didn't really mind troubling myself but it did feel like a compromise and I noted it to myself that I'm doing it for them because we are friends, and that's what caring friends do. But I don't do it unconditionally, this event is registered, and goes into the calculation books in my mind and waits there quietly for an opportunity to open up the books with an expectation of pay back, while in the mean while accumulating similar events as they come along, and adjust the debt accordingly in my mind.

Then, after some time, there might be a situation where I am need of some help, or want something to be specifically as I want it to be, so I will find myself asking something of my friend, at times I won't even ask but expect them to know what I want/need, and, since I have accumulated all this debt in my behalf, they should be willing and wanting to do things for me - it's pay back time.

So from my perspective this friend now owes me and I would like them to "pay me back" when it suites me, and if they don't "feel like" doing whatever I want or simply can’t assist me at that very moment, I would react within blame, comparison, self victimization, self righteousness, spitefulness, and revenge - because "the owe me", "I am entitled to receiving this help from them"

I would blame them for not being a good friend with back chat as: "why don't they want to do things for me like I do for them, why am I always doing things for them, even when I don't want to, just because I'm a good friend, but they wont do the same for me", then I will turn to spitefulness and revenge as I lash out at them, using emotional manipulation to maybe get them to change their minds, or at least feel bad for not doing what I want, and I prepare myself within my mind as planning the next time they ask for something, I tell myself within myself, there's no way I will do it for them, even if it's not a problem for me, even if I can easily help... this is thus one side of the debt game within friendships, the side of the giver/helper, the one with the perception of power as they the other has debt towards them.

On the other side of the debt system, there is the side receiving the assistance, and thus owing the debt, and they might now feel in debt to the friend who gave them the support, they might try hard to show their support back to their friends whenever they can, to maybe mark off a few points in the growing debt, they might become spiteful towards their friend because they believe their friends is the reason they are feeling in debt to them, so they end up resenting the friend that is helping them.

One must realize that this debt is an illusion created within ones mind where one calculates all acts and actions and accumulates debt for oneself and the other, while within this process of debt accumulation, there is no actual agreement between the two through communication in regards to the debt and how it is going to be paid off, it is all hidden within ones secret mind and assumed to be real as a part of a "fair"/mutual friendship".

Another point within the friendship debt, is that there is an initial assumption that you have to do things for your friends just because they are your friends, by being friends there is a hidden agreement that it's OK to expect things from one another, things that haven't been agreed on specifically, so basically, what it means is that you can expect from a friend to do something, because it seams like something small enough to expect, and then, if the friend refuse to comply, you would go into disappointment because you had expected them to participate, and from disappointment you can go to spitefulness, and revenge, while within this you are not actually considering your friend within finding out why they cannot help out, and in some cases if you do find out you will convince yourself it's is a justification made by them to get out of why they didn't help you, not realizing what you are doing at the very moment is justifying to yourself the disappointment/spitefulness you have been participating with.

The debt construct of friendship can be found in every relationship, where we expect things from one another, we do things for one another, but within that we almost never actually to it unconditionally within/as the moment, within/as breath, as a self movement self directed decision, doing as so that once the moment has gone - that's it, it's done with, it's behind us. No. we do it always based on self interest and fear, within holding on to it as a charged memory, accumulating it as debt.

Self Forgiveness and Corrective Statement in the following blog to come

For Further Support, Please check out Links:

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Posted by Maya R at 2:51 PM Labels: care, caring, character, desteni, friend, friendship, limitation, ruels, self ineterst, support 0 comments

Day 60 - friendship - Part 2 - Care and Support

Continue from Day 59 - Redefining friendship

In the coming blogs I will investigate my friendships, as who I am within them and what they are/represent to me, I will go through the major influential friendships I had, and take responsibility for who I have allowed myself to be within them and what I have accepted the relationship to be.

Who am I within friendship?
I've had many different kinds of friendship, within each kind I am different, my set of expectations are different, my behavior, my effort, dedication, trust, loyalty, honesty… all are different according to the "type" of friend I am with. Thus, from this perspective, friendship is a main category, and then there are sub categories of friendships within the different types of friendships, and for each sub category there would be a slightly different set of rules.

Here, I would like to first, before investigating the details within each type of friendship and further more, within each specific friendship, I would like to establish a basic platform to work from. As I have written in my previous blog, there is a lot of value placed on friendship within how I have defined and lived it, and most, if not all of it, can be cleared up and taken away, to be able to leave the two beings with pure, self honest, respectful, enjoyable communication. I have seen that as of now, friendship do not hold these attributes, and thus my goal is to stop myself from participating within anything that is less than respectful, honoring, self honest, supportive communication, and thus I either let go all friendships or find the rotten starting point and change it into something that actually honor myself as life and supports both as equals within being a living example of honorable communication, support and respect.

But, just to be clear within myself, before I set out on this journey, I must be willing to let go all that I know within friendships, in order to truly allow myself to stop the old constructs of deception, manipulation and abuse, and create something new, completely different, and thus unknown as to what it will be..

Let the journey into the guts of friendship begin

Ok, so initially when I think of friendship I have a warm feeling, friendship represents support and love. But, when actually taking a look a bit deeper at the actual friendships, and not just the idea of a friend, the picture is much more complex.
The idea/ideal of friendship, that I have accepted, has to do with a bond, like two people tied together, thus limiting each other, not allowing complete self expression as within any bond/tie, within this bond, friends are obligated to some rules, the first one that comes up in my mind is expressing care/support towards one another, but what does this care look like? how do we define support?

So, caring for a friend will entail in calling them every once in a while, reaching out for communication, thinking about them when they are not there. Once communication is established, caring would mean listening to them, knowing about their life and asking about it to confirm that we know and care and thus ask, caring is sharing emotions with ones friend, such as if a friend is going through some hardship, then a friend would take it on themselves and experience hardship as well, feel identification and compassion, offer assistance and when cannot actually assist a caring friend will express their intention to assist, share their misery in a way, share the burden - that is caring
Within being a caring friends, I now see, it's like knowing the set of rules and following them, knowing how to act, acting as the caring character, so a caring friend must act as the caring character, they don't have to actually care, the hidden mind is what it is, it's hidden, thus a caring friend must only act as if they care in order to maintain the friendship.

In regards to support - support in a friendship is seeing the other, seeing what they are going through and giving assistance, but from my experience, supporting a friend was always difficult, cause you are expected to support their mind fuck basically, like if my boyfriend brakes up with me, my "supportive" friends will trash him, saying he doesn't deserve me and things like that to make me feel better, but will not actually support me in seeing what I have accepted within the relationship, and what I did and didn't do, what am I responsible for so that I can learn from myself and correct myself, no, support would be to justify the friend whatever happened. I have experienced many times the point of giving support to my friends and I experience their resistance to hearing what I have to say if it isn't completely justifying them and blaming the other, and many times they would ask me why can't I be more supportive - so here again, support within friendships is a pre-scripted act that one must play, as a supportive character, in order to maintain the friendship and be seen as a good friend.

Within this blog I have touched on two main characters of being a good friend, as the caring character and supportive character, I will investigate each and them within self forgiveness in my coming blogs, to expose/face who I am within these characters, and see how to correct myself into a being that is in fact caring and supportive towards myself and all equally as life, and not allow myself to participate in the caring and supportive character, as I realize that is an act, which is done through the starting point of self interest and isn't in fact supporting/caring for life through allowing self honest self expression, but is designed as a form of limitation and control

More to come

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