Showing posts with label self honesty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self honesty. Show all posts
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Bernard passed away – I knew this day would come, as we all
have a short time to live here in the physical, and then, in equality, we all
die, and Bernard is no different, but when I heard of his death I could not
believe it, how could Bernard leave us? We need him!!
As I saw this point come up in my mind I felt guilty, I
suddenly realized that I have grown to be dependent on him, waiting for him to
call the shots and make the decisions, counting on him to direct us to shores
of safety, and within that not actually standing in equality to Bernard and the
words of principles and equality he expressed, not living as self
responsibility through abdicating my responsibility to him.
So, what is my responsibility? I ask myself, and I answer -
To live as an example, as Bernard lived as an example, so that we can truly
have an equality equation of 1+1+1, where we all stand as individuals that are
living their full potential and are actually the full expression of who they
are as self directive principle in self honesty, becoming a full being, the
totality of ourselves, not diminished as we are living today through the
limitations and deceptions of our accepted and allowed relationship to the mind
– I have not been living up to my responsibility, and Bernard had to die for
this reality to once again hit me in my face – as I realized how much I have
been dependent on Bernard, and thus not standing up within and as myself, not
allowing myself to reach my true potential and actually become the totality of
myself, I realized that in a way I killed Bernard, he had to die so that I
would see, because, in self interest, I didn’t push myself enough to see this
before his death.
Many times he spoke about death, as the point of no return,
and I always connected it to the being that is busy dying, but in fact the point
of transformation in death is left for us, those who remain and keep on
breathing in our physical bodies. The point of death is the final point /
opportunity for us to see that which we wouldn’t look at and admit to previously,
so, in a way, someone has to die for us to realize the point, how many more people
have to die for me to see, how many more am I going to kill before I wake up
and take responsibility – obviously, now that he is dead, there is no turning
back, only looking forwards, and thus, it’s up to us, it’s up to me, to apply
myself and accordingly determine if he died in vain or not – from the
perspective of, if I learn from my mistakes, if I allow myself to change, if i
stand up and commit myself to live the principle that Bernard stood as and
lived as, then he did not die in vain, but, if I now give up and stop walking,
then, what was the point? – and either way, we cannot take back time, he is
dead, it’s done – but it’s up to us, up to me, up to each one of us, to make
the decision, as he would always say, and walk the decision as ourselves breath
by breath until it’s done.
He told me so many time that all I must do is make a
decision and walk it, and every time I walked it for a few days or even weeks
and then kind of forget about it, gave up on it, on myself, but I never really forgot
about it, I was just always consumed with myself interest, and preferred others
do the work while I was busy entertaining myself - each time this loop became harder,
because each time I have developed another layer of memories and experiences proving to myself that I
cannot make the decision to change nor walk the living example of equality, and like
Bernard had said many times as well, I was always my biggest enemy - keeping me
from being and walking that which I want to be and walk as, limiting myself
through holding on to memories and past experiences instead of allowing myself
to direct myself to change and become the best me that I can be, to live as the
full self expression of myself, in self honesty, here, as life, for and as
myself.
Tears are coming up – why? Guilt and shame for not getting
it sooner; fear for not making it as I have not made it in the past, and now
there is no Bernard to fall back on, to trust that he will give me a supportive
and well deserved shake or kick in the ass, each time I fall, pushing me to see
through his words the truth of me.
Bernard was always such a clear reflection, you know how
everybody is our mirror, and all we really see in others is always reflections
of ourselves, well, that’s true, but in many cases our reflection isn’t clear,
because it is smudged with the other being’s energies, beliefs, opinions,
judgments, and it makes it harder to determine what is my shit and what is
theirs – so in those cases we must take it all to self and equalize ourselves
to all of it and see ourselves in all the points that come up, and remove the
blame and judgment towards the other and so on… but my point I that with Bernard it, the reflection of myself,
was crystal clear reflection, there was never any confusion or judgment or
blame or judgment (did I mention there was no judgment?), there was only only
clarity – when I spoke to Bernard I not only felt that he could see right
through me, I could see through myself as well, there was no hiding with him,
hiding was never an option.
There is an interesting point here because its not like he
put a spell on me for me to be able to see myself, it was me who allowed myself
to see myself when I was in Bernard’s presence, because I believe he could see
me anyway, and whether he could or couldn’t – I am the one who allowed myself
to see myself in clarity, thus I am able to do this now that he is gone, it was
never him – it was always and is always me.
So, now as I tear I wonder how will I stand, how do I know I
can do this, how can I trust myself like I trusted Bernard? How can I live his
example?
I remember walking with him at the mall, and he had such a
slow and steady walk, his walk was so distinguished – even in his physical walk
I could find the key of how to walk within my process – by remaining slow and
steady within myself, walking in breath, one step at a time, one breathe at a
time – I realize now that I must slow myself down so that I can come back to
myself, to my own pace of breath and then accelerate with and as myself - this
is a point I learnt just from walking with Bernard at the mall. And there are
so many other little points of insight.
He once asked me what will it take for me to forgive a
friend that I’ve had continuous conflict with, and I didn’t understand what he
was asking, then he asked me to imagine them on their death bed, and asked if
they were dying could I forgive them then – I burst in tears, again it’s that
point of transformation at death, if they were to die and I remain, could I
forgive them then? Of course I could – and so why wait for death?
Why do I wait for death instead of living now, here?
I commit myself to waking up to life, I commit myself to standing
up within myself, I commit myself to allowing myself to face myself, one day at
a time, one breath at a time, I commit myself to breathing, to slowing myself
down, I commit myself to walk until it is done, I commit myself to stop the
self judgment and transform it into self support, I commit myself to write and
free myself through self forgiveness followed by practical application, I commit
myself to myself as life.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Follow up from last blog - last night I went to a party, I didn't know anyone and I just sat there some of the time I sat alone and I actually didn't go into anxiety about it, and I had awesome conversations with random people, took some phone numbers and might have made some connections from a practical perspective - it was cool - though I still didn't allow myself to be as free as I wanted to, so I am still walking the point, and actually while I was there I "forgot" that I had just written about this point and I didn't then apply myself practically - this point of "forgetting the point I am walking" has been coming up often - and the only explanation I have is that while I am writing my self forgiveness and opening the point up, I am not here and am not actually doing it as self support - because if I was I would "remember", but instead I write it just because I know I have to, I know I have to because it is so supportive and if I don't I will go down the rabbit hole of my mind and trap myself in it, so I do see the value of daily writing, but it is still done in separation, as a point of external consequence, like I'm doing it so the teacher will see that at least I am trying, while in fact I am not doing my best, I am not pushing as hard as I can, I am not investigating myself as self honestly as I could be - but there is no teacher watching over me and the consequences are not created by an external force but rather they are directly created by myself, and the more I write the more I see that I am causing my own suffering and discomfort, and yet, I am still struggling to get past this point and actually writing for myself and being here fully as I write, and write within the starting point of self support in fact.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write and forgive myself from a starting point of being watched by a teacher form, thus actually doing it in separation of myself as I am not doing it for myself but for external eyes watching over me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write and forgive myself within a starting point of religion, as I have placed a god like watch guard on me, as the eyes that see everything I do and will create the consequences if I mess up, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I have turned this practical application in to a religion instead of doing it for myself in full awareness
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually see, realize and understand that I am here living this life, and I am here living the consequences of my actions, and I have the choice and the ability to change within self honesty, or not, and it is my responsibility to face myself because no one else will do it for me, and my doing so can effect others from the perspective that I could exist as I living example of how people can change and perfect themselves, but as long as I am not doing it, it is not here and is not a reality, and so, as within so without - my not changing myself within a starting point of self support implies and reflects that I don't care about myself nor anyone else
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am a good person that cares about myself and others around me while in fact in practicality I have not bee doing the bare minimum of expressing this care through practical physical application, and thus, have made this "I care" as a character that I can talk about and express to people, hence the good conversation, instead of letting go the idea of I am a caring person and actually allowing myself to live it as the expression of myself in every moment, where the first act of caring would be caring for myself and doing all I can to nurture and support myself, not for anyone else but for myself because I would care about and for myself, then, the expression of caring for others must be within a starting point of living as an example, and working towards a practical solution - so far I have been talking the talk much more then walking the walk, like I enjoy presenting myself as part of the most caring group in the world, or perhaps more accurately, the only caring group of people in the world, yet, I have not been an active participant from the perspective that I know I can do so much more if I would bring myself to actually care and live this care as the expression of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care only about the thoughts and feelings and emotions and fears that come up in my mind, instead of caring for myself as the physical and for everybody else as the physical and thus, within caring for the mind and placing the mind above me as the physical I have not been pushing through the resistance in self interest, as I would simply do what the mind wants, as I follow it into self destruction
I realize that every time that I have thoughts / back chat / emotions / feelings / fears that come up and direct me into any direction that is not what is best for al, I am a facing a choice and can chose to follow the mind or can chose to resist the temptation within and as implementing the tools of writing and self forgiveness as to allow myself to see the construct that has come up, as to not suppress it but rather work through it, and so, I realize that in every moment of every breath I can make a new choice and am not limited to the previous choice, thus, I can chose to change now and today starting to live within the principle of what is best for all, regardless of not yet doing it previously. And I realize that in every moment that I chose self interest, that I chose the comfort of not pushing myself, when I chose the "hanging out" rather than applying myself - that is a choice and it will in every moment accumulate as who I am and allowing myself to be, so I realize that I must make sure that I accumulate more "points" of self support and actual genuine care than points of self interest and abuse - I realize this is a process and I will not change over night, but within this I also realize that making the decision is instantaneous and changing my starting point happens in a moment, so there really is no excuse.
I realize that it isn't about writing daily but rather writing daily within a starting point of self support and self care, and thus, I commit myself to before and while writing ensure that I am here and breathing, and if and when I see that I am writing in a state of rush as to "just get it over with" I stop myself and breathe, if necessary I attend to what needs my attention so that I can be here fully and write for and as myself, within this I commit myself to prioritize and not allow any distraction to become an excuse of "I'll do it later" because looking at the greater picture - what could be more important than supporting myself in this process of self discovery and self change? Nothing really, and so, I commit myself to set up a time and actually apply myself effectively within this time frame, as planning a date with myself, as I would plan with another, and respect this self date as I would respect a date with another
So here I am , making the decision to care for myself and to live this car as an actual physical act, within supporting myself through this process of writing and self forgiveness, to investigate and see in self honesty who I have created myself as, and change myself within the principle of re-creating myself as a human being that lives as an example, that if everybody would learn from my example this world would be best for all - this is my indication that I have lots of work to do, because I know what goes on in my mind, and I know that if everybody in the world would learn from my example at the moment, the world will not be a better place for all - and so I commit myself to walk this process until I can be a living example of the principle of equality as what is best for all -
I realize this must start with myself, if I only care about one being in the world I must be to actually care for myself, not as the mind as to care for my thoughts and feeling and emotions, but for myself, the being that is here, that is experiencing all these ups and downs, the one that is not yet directing oneself but is powerlessly following the thoughts / emotions / feeling, to support myself as the being that is here, to stand up within myself and direct myself, take responsibility and live with integrity and self honor.
Yes, there is a long way to go…
I realize the value of breath, and I commit myself to use breath as a tool of self support, to slow myself down and to ground myself, to return to my physical body where I am here, and to direct myself to move from a starting point of breath, to allow myself to stop and breath as many times during the day - to make stopping and breathing my practice, before anything I do / say I stop and breathe and consider what is best for all, what would be most practical and effective and supportive, and what is within justification and self interest - and to slowly but surely more from there, from here, one step at a time.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic
Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage
Day 194 - 21 days of self dedication – misusing the desteni process
Day 195 - 21 days of self dedication - part 5 – but I am still here
Day 196 -21 days of self dedication – part 6 - experience of isolation
Day 197 - 21 days of self dedication - self value - day 7
Day 198 - 21 days of self dedication - Self Value - self forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not taking advantage of the time I had on the farm
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project this judgment as a fear of others judging me for not being effective / accomplishing anything in the time I had here at the farm, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear meeting my family / friends when I return, in fear of being judged for how I spent / what I had done with my time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into emotional possession as an experience of fear / anxiety / worry towards meeting the people back home and facing their criticism / judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed with emotions as anxiety towards my return, instead of supporting myself in writing as to open up and see the point of self judgment being projected as the source of my emotional breakdown, and within this to apply self forgiveness in taking self responsibility to change in the points that require correction, and let go the points that are merely a mind created and false judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be effective in the time I had here at the farm, within not actually pushing myself in every moment to see / find / do something that will benefit me within self support
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instead of taking the time I had here at the farm, and making sure I use it as effective as I can, within realizing that time is only running in one direction, and that is out - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that time is not on my side from the perspective that every moment lost will never come back, and so, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to act from within this understanding that there isn't much time though there is much work to be done
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for wasting my time and the time of others here at the farm for taking the time in their day to give me all the support that I needed but I had take it for granted, expecting something to happen / change because they were supporting me, not accepting the fact that with all the support that I get, I must support myself and commit myself to myself and dedicate myself to myself in order for anything to happen / change in my world and experience / relationship of / with myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself, even here in this supportive environment, to be self honest, to communicate in self honesty, and instead I have put on an act, trying to always keep my cool, trying to always seem ok, and only when the energy build up was too much for me to handle would I uncontrollably explode with emotion - thus, not using this supportive platform effectively, in learning how to communicate to others in asking for support, and in learning how to support myself when I see so clearly that something is building up within myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and my time at the farm according to an idea of how it should have been to have been effective and supportive and within that I am not allowing myself to walk my own process here within seeing in self honesty what it had in fact been, not in relation to an idea but in simply in reality, and within seeing what actually was to learn form it, as appose to judge myself for it based to comparing myself to an idea
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see all the insights and realizations I have picked up at the time I spent in the farm, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not seeing / realizing, instead of simply leaving it as is, and within this allowing the realizations to come up from within me, and not from judgment / fear / expectation of the mind
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Wednesday, May 1, 2013
"writing is the dedicated action you take to structurally direct yourself to self trust and respect and value --its not just writing about anything--it is WHO you are when writing that counts" - Bernard Poolman
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to utilize structurally and consistently the tool of writing myself to freedom as well as self forgiveness, thus, not giving myself the opportunity to see, face, self realize and change myself, as I state in words that how much I want to but, in action I have not been pushing myself to live into the physical the words I speak / think.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to day after day imagine in my mind as future projection how I face myself, realize myself and change myself to stop with the emotional abuse that I have been accepting and allowing within / as myself, and instead learning to actually live as self trust, as a living stand within the principle equality and oneness within and without - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk the process of actually living this expression of self change, but instead I have only allowed myself to fantasize about it, while remaining who / what / how I am, giving myself and taking any excuse possible from small to large, instead of stopping the nonsense, taking a breath, and starting my process for myself, as myself, and in self dedication and honor.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience self doubt as I'm writing these lines, as I have written them many times before, as many times I have committed myself to myself in words, but them have not followed through in action - and thus, each time I fail my own self commitment to myself I doubt myself that much more, and now I ask myself how will I make this time any different? How will I actually stand by my commitment / decision, and actually walk this process of self writing, self investigation, to build and develop myself as self honesty and self trust? What has been the missing ingredient that if I just find it I will be more likely to stand by my word? - and once again, as I write I realize, the ingredient is me obviously.
I am the one who must decide, I am the one who must live to my commitment day by day, breath by breath, moment by moment, no one else can do this for me, no one can force me to do this, I am actually alone in this, if I don't do this for myself, if I give up on myself that is what will be, it is really only up to me - funny enough, I have been so busy running away from taking responsibility in every aspect of myself, and here I see that I am my responsibility weather I take it or not, but whatever I do, I will have to live with the consequences, so there is no escape route - but I've seen this before - I know, realize, see and understand that I am responsible for myself, for my experience, for my thoughts and behavior, for my suffering, for my self interest and accepted abuse, and I see that I cannot crawl into a cave and wait till this scene is over and join life after intermission - it's funny, because life is like the theatre in so many ways, but not from the perspective that it isn't, this is my one life, there are no second chances, there is no dress rehearsal, and there is no actual audience, we are all the actors and no one is looking at anybody but themselves.
So who am I acting for? Why am I not stopping this charade, and starting over, in humbleness, in self honesty, in self investigation to actually get to the bottom of myself and start over fresh?.... What and why am I holding onto myself - I mean, if I look at my days the part of which I am actually experiencing joy are minute, though I act like I am very joyful, why do I do that? And why am I accepting this as the only way to be, when I know what needs to be done, I know what I must do to support myself, yet I stand in the face of the choice, whether to support myself or not, and I choose not - why do I not care about myself enough to support myself unconditionally? Who will support myself if not me? Who will embrace me but myself? How will I ever be able to give to another that which I am not even able to give to myself? Is this the source cause of my isolation? Am I too afraid to open up to myself so I don't dare opening up to / with another?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself, instead of looking practically at whether I can do this or not, and I see that yes, daily writing is something that practically I can indeed commit myself to, and so, I let go the past memories of failing myself within this very commitment, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail myself within not standing by / as my commitment to myself to write daily, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself deliberately within not standing by my commitment / decision to write, and within this, I realize that the only way to stand as this commitment is by writing daily, there is nothing big / great / energetic / special about it, simply writing daily.
So, here I am , starting over, dedicating myself to putting my past failures behind me, to let them go as to not keep them from holding me back - I am here now, and I commit myself to write and support myself as much as I can, and more - as I realize that the points that I am not supporting myself are not valid, and must be investigated and corrected.
Ok - so here was day 1, only a life time to go….
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Tuesday, April 30, 2013
I've been writing in the past few days about self commitment, this following blog is extracted from my writings, which once I finish I will publish here as well, but for now just a few realizations that came up as I was walking through some points.
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I realize in each moment, in each breath, in each decision, I am faced with two options, I can support myself or not, I can direct myself or not, I can stand stable in breath or not, I can respect myself or not, I can honor myself as life or not, I can care for myself or not, I can be self honest or not, I can do what is actually in my best and highest interest as following the principle of equality and oneness and acting in alignment to what is best for all, or not.
I have a choice in each moment, and in each moment I am making and living out my decision – each decision accumulates and joins the rest, and in each decision I am creating myself, expressing who I am, as what I am deciding myself to be, what I am accepting and allowing myself to be and exist as.
It’s like each decision is a brick in the wall of myself as who I am, and so I must chose which bricks to build myself with, and these bricks will define the outcome of who I am – which brick am I using / going to use / have allowed myself to use in order to build myself from? And, am I brave enough to tare to wall down once I see that it is built with rotten and destructive bricks, will I allow myself to brake the wall of myself down in order to rebuild myself in self directive awareness?
I commit myself to dedicate myself to “accumulating bricks of self support” - when and as I see that I am participating in anything that is in contradiction to self support / self honor / self respect / self care / self honesty – I stop myself and breathe, I remind myself that I have a choice in each and every moment, and must decide who I want to be and become, I am creating myself in every breath and in every decision – and so I breathe, and walk the practical application of self honor / self respect / self honesty / self support / self care within that moment. And I trust myself to know what to do, and how to live self support / honesty / respect / honor / care in every moment.
When and as I see myself participating in anything that contradicts self support, I stop myself and breathe, and I show myself in words what I am participating in, and within showing myself and bringing it to my awareness clearly, I stop and direct myself without any hesitation towards self support / care / honor / respect / honesty.
As I’m writing this I see, realize and understand clearly that walking this path of self support /self honesty is truly a path of no energy, it is simply following the decision to walk in self honesty, not following the desire / thrill / excitement, but only walk what is best for all, simplistically - one will not get a thrill by walking this path, one will not experience an excitement or any form of positive high energy – thus I must be willing to give up the desire / dependency / addiction to positive high energy – I see it as a giving up because I still attach positive value to positive energy, I have a memory experience of it being nice and fun, and the thought of giving it up has a negative energy to it, like a loss – but, here I realize that I am allowing myself to be defined and directed by a memory and a thought, a memory of a positive energetic experience and an emotional thought as the fear of losing the possibility of experiencing again, that which I have a memory of.
As I’m writing these words I am experience like a low energy, which is raising doubt within me “am I doing the right thing?” but I breathe, and I know that this doubt is just another thought, another energy, another point I didn’t direct and thus I must not allow myself to be directed by. Simple as that. I am experiencing it as a break up, as a mourning, as an acceptance that I must say goodbye to all energetic experiences / thrills - it’s funny, I am even looking for an energetic feeling within making this decision, wanting to know if I have made the right decision through the confirmation of a good feeling, but there isn’t any, and so, the tendency is to fall right into doubt.
Making a decision – realizing I must not follow excitement / energy – realizing that this means giving up on energy / excitement – noticing the experience / thought of it being giving up brings up self doubt as to whether I am doing the “right” thing for me or not - realizing it is just another thought as negative energy and I must not allow it to direct me – because I, as myself, in self clarity, in common sense, in self honesty have made a decision as to who I want to be and how I want to walk and what principle I want to be equal to within my application – and so, anything else is just distancing myself from my self directive decision as myself – I have been allowing myself to chase my own tale, going around in circles, and not getting anywhere, always reaching the same point again and again, instead of allowing myself to walk forward, into the direction I have set myself to walk in.
Shit, man, how long will I allow myself to continue this way before I am fed up with it??
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect to feel / experience something positive within me when making a decision, and so, when the energy is not there, when there isn’t an excitement / thrill I go into self doubt towards the decision, but, within this I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see and realize that I, as who I really am, as the physical, as breath, as life, as here - do not rely on energy, and thus a directive decision does not rely / depend on energy to prove it right – and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed / controlled/ enslaved by / to energy and within the seek / desire for constant energy to compromise myself and not stand equal to and one with my decisions
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I’ve got an energy problem, that I am addicted to energy, that I desire it and follow it and want it and will manipulate for it within a deep experience and self belief that I am nothing without it, a belief that life is meaningless without experiencing it energetically.
This is the point of experiencing a sadness towards the thought of giving up the thrills / excitements within deciding to only walk what is best for all, as self support – it’s a future projection of never again allowing myself to indulge in positive high energies - it’s funny, in my mind I compare my decision to give up the energy in making decisions to what people experience when they get married, as they are giving up the opportunity and within that the excitement to be with another partner, by committing to being monogamists - but, in actuality, in both scenarios, there isn’t anything to give up besides an idea, that’s what is so ridiculous.
Another small point I see is that I’ve made many decisions that I felt so good about, like this is the right thing to do and I’ll do it like this and like that… and I go into future projections and fantasies on how I achieve this decision, and then I don’t follow through as I did in my imagination, so in essence I have proven to myself that this energy in making a decision doesn’t last, and what lasts way after the energy has dissipated is the decision itself. And so not having the energy in the first place shouldn’t affect the decision in any way.
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Monday, April 1, 2013
this is a continuation of my previous blogs:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
Day 177 - Not Pushing Myself
Day 178 - I can only start Walking from Here
Day 179 – I want to but I don’t want to
Day 180 – Building a Bridge
Day 181 – Self Belief “I am not Dedicated”
Day 182 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self forgiveness
Day 183 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self Commitments
Day 184 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Further Investigation
a must hear - Why do we not access our full potential? Why do we hold ourselves back?:
“I commit myself to ask myself direct questions when and as I see myself not standing as my decision, as not acting in alignment with my directive decision, and so, when and as I see myself contradicting myself, I stop myself and breathe, I ask myself why am I sabotaging myself, and I don’t move / participate with anything until I give myself a clear answer in self honesty, and so, I commit myself to push myself to not let myself off the hook, so to speak, and to actually investigate / interrogate myself within the self honest intention of understanding why, at this very moment, I am prepared to sabotage myself through acting in contradiction to my directive decision. And within this, I commit myself to walk myself hand in hand, back here, into alignment with my directive decision, aligned with common sense, aligned with self support, I commit myself to be gentle with myself yet firm and directive, I commit myself to parent myself into self alignment, and treat myself as an innocent child with compassion and care, yet to be strict with myself and push for self discipline.”
I realize that when asking myself in self honesty why am I not acting in alignment to my directive decision – there is most likely not going to be a valid answer, as all answers will probably be excuses and justifications based on self beliefs, ideas and fears, or based on desires and self interest – either way, any excuse for why am I not standing equal to the directive decision I had made, will be based in energy, and thus, as I ask myself I will be faced with a choice – will I follow the path of energy, or will I stand up for myself as life as the physical?
Taking this moment to stop and breath, and ask myself in self honesty why am I acting in contradiction to myself, is the opportunity I give myself to change the course of my action and make a decision in that moment to support myself - and so, stopping and asking myself, is actually opening a window of self awareness, which once is open I am fully responsible for my decision and action from the point on, as I have opened my own eyes in asking myself the question, I woke myself up so to speak, and now I must direct myself to stop the self sabotage patterns within having realized how destructive they are, and to stand up within myself, to allow myself to empower myself within standing as and acting in alignment to my directive decision.
I realize that part of my process is to start becoming aware of what I am doing, as I’ve noticed that so many moments throughout the day go by and I wasn’t here, moments where I am awake but am sleeping, sleep walking my life away, it’s like there is a moment where I make the decision to allow myself to lose myself in my mind, and from that moment I lose myself as I become a zombie, until something happens, and a spark of awareness comes in through the mist, and then I am faced with the next moment of decision – what now? More mind illusions or standing up?
I find that in many cases, when this moment comes and I have the opportunity to “snap out of it” I make an aware decision to stay in the mind’s illusion, i experience like there is a pull, a magnetic force, pulling me back into the mind’s illusion, drawing me into the application of abdicating my responsibility, of procrastinating what needs to be done, of sabotaging myself as the directive decision I am intending to walk, and so basically standing in contradiction to my directive decision, and as such, in contradiction to myself – it seems like the more I spend time away from myself, and in the mind in separation of myself, as the what is here as the physical, the weaker I get, and the stronger the magnetic pull is, and so the next moment when I “wake up” and am faced with the choice I am more likely to fall back into the mind – this is the moment of transformation, of self change, where I must find it within myself to stand up against the pull and resist it, as to not allow myself to be pulled back in to the self destructive and self sabotaging patterns and behaviors but instead to stand as self support / care / honor / respect – this is where asking myself why am I doing this can be supportive – because the longer I stand “outside” of the mind while asking myself a self directive question, here in awareness, here as myself as the physical, the weaker the pull of the mind is and the more chance I have to act I alignment with myself as my directive decision and not be directed by the mind’s pull so easily and automatically.
a must hear:
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Saturday, March 30, 2013
this is a continuation of my previous blogs:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
Day 177 - Not Pushing Myself
Day 178 - I can only start Walking from Here
Day 179 – I want to but I don’t want to
Day 180 – Building a Bridge
Day 181 – Self Belief “I am not Dedicated”
Day 182 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self forgiveness
a must hear - Why do we not access our full potential? Why do we hold ourselves back?:
I realize that dedication is a behavioral pattern that can be learn with practice, and within this, I realize that believing it is a skill that I lack is an excuse / justification as to not apply myself and push myself into becoming the living expression of / as dedication, as making decisions and walking them into practicality physically, I realize that becoming dedicated, as breaking the pattern and self belief of not being dedicated will require work and effort and basically will be uncomfortable as change is uncomfortable, and so, when and as I experience uncomfortablility due to the resistance of me not wanting to change, I stop myself and breathe, I realize that changing myself from believing I am incapable of dedication, into living dedication as self expression will take time and effort and won’t be easy, but only through walking this process will I be able to prove to myself that I am directive myself as I am able to make a decision and trust that I will walk it into action – thus allowing myself to be dedicated, being free to be dedicated – and so, I commit myself to slowly but surly become more and more stable within my application until I am standing as dedication as the living expression of / as myself - as trusting myself at all times that I will live into actions all decisions I make, within considering what is best for all in common sense and practicality.
I realize dedication as a living word is not an energetic experience but is a physical application of making a clear and directive decision and walking into physical practicality – thus, I realize that any energy I have connected to “dedication” is of the mind and does not stand as life, and so, I commit myself to let go within breath any idea of energy I am still holding onto in relation to dedication, and within this to let go the accepted experience of self judgment within believing I am not good enough due to believing I am not dedicated, while placing a positive value on that word and thus justifying my self disappointment – all energy – and thus not valid as life and not in support of life as the simplistically of the physical. And so, I commit myself to red flag all energetic experience I experience in relation to dedication, and if and when such energy comes up to stop myself and breathe, and breathe until I am stable, within realizing that this energy is separating myself form myself as life as it is blinding me form the physical reality that is happening under my nose and is shifting me to the illusion world of the mind.
When and as I see myself facing a word / idea / definition within believing that I cannot live it, I realize this is a belief construct where I have separated myself form the word within defining the word deliberately in a way that cannot be lived, and thus setting myself up for a fall, within this, I commit myself, when I see myself facing a word that I believe / experience myself that I cannot live, I stop myself in the moment and breathe, I bring the word here and redefine it as a livable word, as a living word, and within this I commit myself to explore myself as the word and break through the barrier of fear and limitation I have accepted as myself, and instead push myself to expand to grow and not accept anything less than myself as who I am as life, as one and equal to all that is here in existence. And so, practically I commit myself to investigate any word I see myself separated from, as within believing I cannot live that word, and within investigating allowing myself to remove all energetic values I have attached to the word, and redefine it as a livable word that exist simplistically and physically, and so I walk it as myself.
I realize that my self belief as self limitation is based on a memory that I have and am holding onto within an energetic experience, as I have defined myself according to a specific memory and within that have limited myself as I have allowed myself to exist in the past instead of here as the physical, thus, when and as I see myself going into and limiting myself by self belief I commit myself to investigate and forgive myself for any memory that I find that is attached related to the creation of this self belief – as I’ve realized that I have created this self belief over time, as accumulation of memories, and thus I commit myself to find the memories as building blocks within myself and forgive myself for them, one by one, to let them go and free myself to let go the self belief created by them.
When and as I see myself participating in self belief within defining myself as less than / inferior / not able / not capable to do something, I stop myself and breathe, I realize that by participating in such a belief I am sabotaging myself and abusing myself as I am diminishing and belittling myself – and such behavior is not acceptable and I will not allow myself to treat myself in such an abusive and diminishing way – and thus I commit myself, when seeing myself go into and participate within a self belief to stand up from within it, and stop my participation in that very moment, to forgive myself for even starting to participate and remain in breath in stability as self support, as self care, as self nurture, as self embracement, and thus, transform myself from self sabotage and abuse to self care and love, from belittling myself to empowering myself. Within realizing that the self belief is created and enhanced by thoughts, I commit myself to, in the moment the self belief comes up within the back chat and thoughts, to stop myself and do not allow myself to participate in the back chat, as I realize it is a slippery slope, and so I stand strong, here in the physical focused on my breathing and do not entertain the back chat thoughts as the building blocks of the self belief.
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Friday, March 29, 2013
this is a continuation of my previous blogs:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
Day 177 - Not Pushing Myself
Day 178 - I can only start Walking from Here
Day 179 – I want to but I don’t want to
Day 180 – Building a Bridge
Day 181 – Self Belief “I am not Dedicated”
a must hear - Why do we not access our full potential? Why do we hold ourselves back?:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief that I am not dedicated
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that dedication is a skill that I lack, instead of realizing that it is a behavioural pattern that can be practiced and learned, and thus, within accepting the belief that I am not dedicated I have given myself an excuse to take the easy way out instead of facing myself as who I am and from where I am to push myself to change and learn and become that which I find would be best for me to be, as I’ve seen that the ability of dedication is supportive and empowering and thus rather than giving myself excuses for not being that, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to do all in my ability to equalize myself to the living word as dedication
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define dedication as an energetic experience, instead of realizing the physical practicality of dedication as the living word as I have redefined for myself in the previous blog
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the simplistically of dedication as the living word, as a word that can be lived, and instead I have made it more than it is, in my mind, thus making it special and divine and thus separating myself form it – within this, I realize that any word / character / behavior I see as more than me, as a point that I am not able to achieve, I must investigate the word and look for the energetic value I have given it – within this, to investigate myself and look for the specific memory that I accepted as a defining point of myself to have accepted this point of limitation and inferiority as who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to many memories, indicating that I am not dedicated, thus allowing myself to exist in the past and limit myself due to my past experiences instead of learning from the past, as investigating to find out why was I not dedicated in those situations and from learning myself as my behaviors / patterns to commit myself to change within aligning myself to dedications the living word, within the principle of equality and oneness – within realizing that I can only live that which I am equal to – and thus, I must define dedication in such a way that it can be lived, otherwise I am trapping myself in an endless chase after the unachieved, as living a word that cannot be lived
And so, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately define words, as dedication, in such a way that cannot be lived and thus set myself up for a fall, a failure, instead of supporting myself in seeing that which I am doing and stopping myself, within realizing that such behavior to inflict upon myself an endless chase is abusive and self sabotaging in nature, is unacceptable.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the physical and practical simplistically of the word dedication, as a word that indicates one, within walking in a specific direction, has made a decision in awareness as within researching and investigating and accepting the entire point at hand, and once making the decision within taking into consideration the practical and physical application that must be done in order to walk the decision, within taking into consideration the consequential outflow of walking the decision, within walking into the decision with one’s eyes wide open – one then walk the decision into completion, as a living expression of the direction and the decision, as one and equal, in consistency, until the point is complete.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that at times where I have defined myself and judged myself for not being dedicated, I was not aware of the above definition, and thus could not assess and evaluate why am I not applying myself or living the decision I have made – I forgive myself for never asking myself if I in fact made a directive / aware decision, or did I just follow the spur of the moment, I forgive myself for never asking myself if I made the decision within accepting the direction as the principle it stands as, I forgive myself for never asking myself questions as to try and understand myself, but instead went into judgment, and accumulated one more memory in the pile of self doubt / diminishment / belittling.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect dedication to success within a time frame, not seeing and realizing that a time frame in not a part of dedication within it’s definition, and thus I realize that I have confused myself as to believe that I am not dedicated because I didn’t make a time schedule, and thus, instead of seeing the problem for what it is, as poor time management, or poor prioritizing, I have generalized the point and have defined myself as not being dedicated, not seeing that by doing so I am diminishing myself through living out the belief, instead of actually seeing the point and correcting the actual problem.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that dedication will solve everything, and thus, when I have not managed to finish a project in time I believed it was due to not being dedicated enough, as if I were more dedicated I would have done anything, though, within this, I didn’t allow myself to investigate other aspects within my application and thus, not allowing myself to be specific as to see how exactly did I sabotage the project, in order to be able to correct myself within the relevant point
I see and realize how self beliefs are limiting and self sabotaging as once I believe myself to be something I start behaving as that and actually create myself as the belief rather than the belief actually defining who I am, within this I realize that by falling to self belief I prevent myself from unconditionally investigating myself within the point as to find the actual source point that needs be corrected in order to align myself in becoming the best that I can be in all and every aspect.
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Thursday, March 28, 2013
this is a continuation of my previous blogs:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
Day 177 - Not Pushing Myself
Day 178 - I can only start Walking from Here
Day 179 – I want to but I don’t want to
Day 180 – Building a Bridge
a must hear - Why do we not access our full potential? Why do we hold ourselves back?:
Within walking the point of resistance towards my application, I have come across some self beliefs that need to be investigated - so i will share these self believes as i walk them, as i open the points up for myself, to remove the restriction / limitation i have allowed through accepting these self beliefs as the truth of me, not seeing, realizing or understanding that that they are an accumulation of hidden assumptions resulting in a huge tower – though, this tower is made of cards, it has no actual stability in the physical, it is an illusion – so, here i will be walking the process to face the illusion within my own self created self beliefs, and changing myself to stand up for myself, to stand as life.
here i am working with the first self belief - "I'm not dedicated" -
Gathering info
Dictionary definition
1. To commit / devote (oneself) to a particular course of thought or action
2. Wholly committed to a particular course of thought or action; devoted
3. A personal, handwritten inscription in or on a work, as by an author to a friend.
4. Designed for a particular use or function
Self allocation point
I see someone who is dedicated as a person that completely throws themselves into a project, they lose themselves within it – someone that is dedicated to something will experience themselves whole, as they have found their purpose and they now dedicate themselves, as the give themselves to the project as their lives, their time, their energy – they are dedicated / committed / devoted to completing the task / project – they do what it takes, they “walk through walls”, failure is not an option – they have an inner drive that moves them, like an energy generator, they are fueled up, like an excitement, an enjoyment.
When I look at dedication I see it as an energetic experience where one is completely consumed by this one thing that they are proud to be a part of, they see themselves in unity with this one thing, they are it in a way.
I have never experienced this, I have never experienced myself “being dedicated” to anything within this definition, I’ve never been dedicated to, no one has ever dedicated anything to me, I see that as a declaration of someone’s value, and so no one has declared that I am valuable to them.
When one gives value to something / someone, they will change their priorities and now focus on this one point and direct themselves to serve this one point because it’s valuable – like one will experience one’s own self value through dedicating oneself to this point of value in separation of self – so energetically, one will experience themselves as valuable because one will defined themselves according to being dedicated to this point of value.
Sounding the word dedicate / dedication
Dead I see ate
Dare dic ate
Deddy cate
D ed I cate – the education I cater for – dedication based on knowledge
D ed I cee it
Did it Cate – did it as the category needed
Did I Cate
Dead vacation
Dead IC ate – dead inside so I eat
Did I action – I did action
Did I creation – I did creation
Dead
I
See
Ate
Dare
Dic – prick
Ed – education
D – the
Did it
Cate – Category
Cate – catering, to cater, to serve
Vacation
Action
Dead – I am not dedicated
Creative writing
1. D ed I cate – the education I cater for – dedication based on knowledge
Dedication from a starting point of knowledge, as an idea of what is valuable, where one dedicate oneself to stand as this point of knowledge, like a political / philosophical / social perspective, catering to this one group / organization, while separating self from the rest, and thus, dedicating oneself to one’s own opinion, as accepted knowledge one was educated and programed to accept.
An example – dedicating oneself to the “war on drugs” where one believe their cause and all the knowledge they have accumulated on the topic, they now are dedicated to the point, they define themselves by it, and cannot afford to lose the point – so they lose the common sense of looking at the greater picture and actually finding solutions because they are so invested in this specific point – and if another will present them with contradicting information they will react in resentment and will reject the new data without listening, because they are dedicated to the information they have.
2. Dead vacation – here I see my relationship to the word dedication as “dead vacation” being dedicated is killing off the fun in life, where I believe dedication implies never again going on vacation, because if one is totally dedicated then there will never be a time that one can take a break and relax, as one had given up one’s life in dedication of this cause / project / organization – so here I see dedication as a sacrificing of all that is enjoyable, where I have created a polarity where one the one side there is fun / vacation / living and on the other side there is dedication / responsibility / self-sacrifices
3. Dead I see ate - Here is another reference to death, where I see death in dedication, as a choice to kill oneself in the name of a purpose / goal that one dedicates oneself to. Where I see dedication as the ultimate self-sacrifice, where one is consumed by that which they are dedicated to, they are eaten up by it
4. Dead IC ate – dead inside so I eat – this is interesting because I use food as emotional compensation, and so within the fear of dedicating myself as the fear of losing myself I have created a defense mechanism, where instead of dedicating myself to the point, in self sacrifice, where eating is a point of compensation to the self sacrifice of dedication
What I’m noticing is that initially I judged myself for not being dedicated and now all that I’m writing is as if dedication is “bad” and so I realize I am still within a polarity and only representing the “bad” side of dedication – so let me explore the sides of it that where the points I desired within it, judged myself for not being and wanted to become, as to allow myself to see a full clear picture:
5. Did it Cate – I am doing it in the category that I chose – i did, I completed the category, where category implies order, and so, one has accomplished / completed a project / task within the desired category, thus implies directiveness, discipline and specificity – dedication thus implies applying oneself into accomplishing / completing a task / project within the specific category decided upon it.
6. Did I Cate – did I cater, did I serve the point / project – when one finds a project / organization that one values and wants to serve and support, one dedicate oneself to the project and cater for it, does things in service of this project / organization
7. Did I action – I did action – here dedication implies the doing of an action, thus, not leaving it as an abstract idea but actually coming down to earth in the physical and taking action towards this goal one dedicates oneself towards. Thus, dedication is not just a statement but a doing, an action
8. Did I creation – I did creation – here a similar implication, though noting that within dedication, as within any doing, there is a creation process, where on bring oneself in dedication, and place ideas / goals into actions and so creates within this process as the outcome / outflow of ones actions. Here dedication implies the act of creation, but from a practical physical, not energetic, starting point, as a simple common sense understanding that when one dedicate oneself to a point there is an outflow, as there is to any decision, and thus a creation, though, here one must then consider what one will dedicate oneself to, as that will determine the outflow as the creation, within the principle of equality – as within so without – where if one dedicate oneself to a point / project / organization that supports all life equally the creation of ones actions will be equal to ones starting point, whereas if one dedicates oneself within a starting point of self interest without considering the principle of equality and oneness the outflow as the creation will be equal to the starting point.
Rewrite definition
So, how will I define dedication to no longer hold any energetic charge to it, and yet still imply its original definition, within adding to it my new and revised / corrected relationship / perception of the word?
I shall start with what it is not – it is not a self sacrifice, not a point of knowledge as an opinion, not the end of all that is fun / enjoyable in life, not a death of any kind, not a giving up on oneself, not a losing oneself, not being eaten alive, and when all these energetic charges are removed will not cause emotional compensation eating.
Dedication is an action, it is a creation, there is a responsibility within it as to what one will dedicate oneself to will determine the creational outflow of ones actions, there is order within it, as one is not randomly dedicated, but rather one has made a clear and self directive decision as to what and why one will dedicate oneself to, and when decided upon one will act in alignment to the decision made, within the relevant / chosen category of action.
Within the principle of equality, one dedicates oneself to a point one is equal to and has made a decision to live as, and so, one is not dedicating oneself to an external goal / purpose but rather dedicating oneself to self in equality to the point one is walking as an expression of self, as self has made the decision to stand as this point in equality.
Thus, dedication is an active and deliberate doing, done within full awareness and understanding of the outflow of ones actions, and thus, if done in self honesty - one’s dedication will always be aligned with that which is best for all life in equality and oneness and so ones creation, as the outflow of ones actions, will be aligned with what is best for all as support for all life.
Within dedication one will have an eagle’s view of the situation where one sees all points to make a clear decision within self honesty – as one considers the actual physical actions one needs to take, considers the outflow of ones actions, whether they are in support of life or not, and then one dedicate oneself to walk all the points into completion, as a service to one’s decision / goal, which is a service to life.
Dedication, in self honesty, is coming to the conclusion that the point is in support of life, and one stands as the point in equality to / as the point, and one realizes that one’s actions will result in an outflow that is aligned with the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all, and then, one make the decision to walk this point into completion, within considering what are the physical steps that need to be walked, and then one walks the point in clarity and specificity.
To sum it up
I identified that I have many beliefs about myself, beliefs that I have allowed to limit me, to sabotage my freedom of expression and exploration of myself.
In the example of the self belief of “I am not dedicated” I have realized that my beliefs stemmed from how I had defined this word “dedication” within my vocabulary. I defined “dedication” as more than it is, relating it to an energetic experience, giving it an energetic value, both positive and negative, where the positive aspects of dedication I have separated from myself in an accepted inferiority and experience of inadequacy, and the negative aspects were placed as justifications as to why I am not that, instead of seeing that I am separating myself from the “positive” aspects through separating further from myself with a “negative” reason as justification, within the idea / belief that if I were to dedicate myself I will have to scarifies myself – I realize now that I have been pushing myself away, and thus, separating myself from dedication, both from the positive and the negative, thus existing in separation of the word, which made it impossible for me to be able to live this word as an expression of myself, as the living word.
Now that I have redefined this word I see that dedication is not self sacrifice as within an energetic experience of losing myself and giving myself up for the grater cause in self righteousness, as well, it is not a superior experience as being fulfilled by a sense of dedication – what it practically physically is, is a decision, made within a specific direction, and walked practically into action until complete – this procedure of being dedicated to a point does not involve energy, not positive and not negative.
dedication = direction + decision + action
when i say: "I am dedicated to a point" – this would imply that I have seen a point, I have investigated it as to see, realize and understand what it involves practically, I have made a decision to walk this point as myself, as I am aligned with the principle / expression of the point, and so I walk it consistently into completion
The self belief as self judgment as the experience of not being dedicated will then be a red flag to check the process of dedication as mentioned above, as one of the stages of the procedure must have been not clear, and thus i ask myself did I make a clear decision, did I investigate the point or did i walk into it blind folded, can I self honestly say that I am aligned with the point?
When and as I see that I am not dedicated to a point, and self judgment comes up, i stop myself and breathe, i realize that what i am showing myself is that for some reason i am not practically walking this point in consistently into completion, as the practical walking of the point is the external expression of dedication, thus, showing myself the symptom to a problem, thus, i commit myself to then investigate what is actually going in – there is no point to judge myself, because obviously something is simply not aligned, and so, let me align it and decide in self honesty, in full awareness what will be my next stem, decide, and then walk it in self trust.
When and as I see that I am not dedicated to a point, and self judgment comes up, i stop myself and breathe, i realize that there is "nothing to it" as, in the moment i notice i am not dedicated, as not walking the point practically within the directive decision i made - i can stop, realign myself, rededicate myself and walk in that very moment, no fuss to it.
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
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