Walking Slow and Steady - Thank You Bernard

Bernard passed away – I knew this day would come, as we all have a short time to live here in the physical, and then, in equality, we all die, and Bernard is no different, but when I heard of his death I could not believe it, how could Bernard leave us? We need him!!

As I saw this point come up in my mind I felt guilty, I suddenly realized that I have grown to be dependent on him, waiting for him to call the shots and make the decisions, counting on him to direct us to shores of safety, and within that not actually standing in equality to Bernard and the words of principles and equality he expressed, not living as self responsibility through abdicating my responsibility to him.

So, what is my responsibility? I ask myself, and I answer - To live as an example, as Bernard lived as an example, so that we can truly have an equality equation of 1+1+1, where we all stand as individuals that are living their full potential and are actually the full expression of who they are as self directive principle in self honesty, becoming a full being, the totality of ourselves, not diminished as we are living today through the limitations and deceptions of our accepted and allowed relationship to the mind – I have not been living up to my responsibility, and Bernard had to die for this reality to once again hit me in my face – as I realized how much I have been dependent on Bernard, and thus not standing up within and as myself, not allowing myself to reach my true potential and actually become the totality of myself, I realized that in a way I killed Bernard, he had to die so that I would see, because, in self interest, I didn’t push myself enough to see this before his death.

Many times he spoke about death, as the point of no return, and I always connected it to the being that is busy dying, but in fact the point of transformation in death is left for us, those who remain and keep on breathing in our physical bodies. The point of death is the final point / opportunity for us to see that which we wouldn’t look at and admit to previously, so, in a way, someone has to die for us to realize the point, how many more people have to die for me to see, how many more am I going to kill before I wake up and take responsibility – obviously, now that he is dead, there is no turning back, only looking forwards, and thus, it’s up to us, it’s up to me, to apply myself and accordingly determine if he died in vain or not – from the perspective of, if I learn from my mistakes, if I allow myself to change, if i stand up and commit myself to live the principle that Bernard stood as and lived as, then he did not die in vain, but, if I now give up and stop walking, then, what was the point? – and either way, we cannot take back time, he is dead, it’s done – but it’s up to us, up to me, up to each one of us, to make the decision, as he would always say, and walk the decision as ourselves breath by breath until it’s done.

He told me so many time that all I must do is make a decision and walk it, and every time I walked it for a few days or even weeks and then kind of forget about it, gave up on it, on myself, but I never really forgot about it, I was just always consumed with myself interest, and preferred others do the work while I was busy entertaining myself - each time this loop became harder, because each time I have developed another layer of memories  and experiences proving to myself that I cannot make the decision to change nor  walk the living example of equality, and like Bernard had said many times as well, I was always my biggest enemy - keeping me from being and walking that which I want to be and walk as, limiting myself through holding on to memories and past experiences instead of allowing myself to direct myself to change and become the best me that I can be, to live as the full self expression of myself, in self honesty, here, as life, for and as myself.

Tears are coming up – why? Guilt and shame for not getting it sooner; fear for not making it as I have not made it in the past, and now there is no Bernard to fall back on, to trust that he will give me a supportive and well deserved shake or kick in the ass, each time I fall, pushing me to see through his words the truth of me.

Bernard was always such a clear reflection, you know how everybody is our mirror, and all we really see in others is always reflections of ourselves, well, that’s true, but in many cases our reflection isn’t clear, because it is smudged with the other being’s energies, beliefs, opinions, judgments, and it makes it harder to determine what is my shit and what is theirs – so in those cases we must take it all to self and equalize ourselves to all of it and see ourselves in all the points that come up, and remove the blame and judgment towards the other and so on… but my point I that  with Bernard it, the reflection of myself, was crystal clear reflection, there was never any confusion or judgment or blame or judgment (did I mention there was no judgment?), there was only only clarity – when I spoke to Bernard I not only felt that he could see right through me, I could see through myself as well, there was no hiding with him, hiding was never an option.

There is an interesting point here because its not like he put a spell on me for me to be able to see myself, it was me who allowed myself to see myself when I was in Bernard’s presence, because I believe he could see me anyway, and whether he could or couldn’t – I am the one who allowed myself to see myself in clarity, thus I am able to do this now that he is gone, it was never him – it was always and is always me.

So, now as I tear I wonder how will I stand, how do I know I can do this, how can I trust myself like I trusted Bernard? How can I live his example?

I remember walking with him at the mall, and he had such a slow and steady walk, his walk was so distinguished – even in his physical walk I could find the key of how to walk within my process – by remaining slow and steady within myself, walking in breath, one step at a time, one breathe at a time – I realize now that I must slow myself down so that I can come back to myself, to my own pace of breath and then accelerate with and as myself - this is a point I learnt just from walking with Bernard at the mall. And there are so many other little points of insight.

He once asked me what will it take for me to forgive a friend that I’ve had continuous conflict with, and I didn’t understand what he was asking, then he asked me to imagine them on their death bed, and asked if they were dying could I forgive them then – I burst in tears, again it’s that point of transformation at death, if they were to die and I remain, could I forgive them then? Of course I could – and so why wait for death?

Why do I wait for death instead of living now, here?

I commit myself to waking up to life, I commit myself to standing up within myself, I commit myself to allowing myself to face myself, one day at a time, one breath at a time, I commit myself to breathing, to slowing myself down, I commit myself to walk until it is done, I commit myself to stop the self judgment and transform it into self support, I commit myself to write and free myself through self forgiveness followed by practical application, I commit myself to myself as life.

Day 114 - Avoiding work –Part 5 - blame and manipulation - Self Forgiveness

The following blog is a continuation of my previous writings, please read them for further context if you haven’t already :
Day 110 - Avoiding Work

Day 111 – Self interest can never be “right”

Day 112 - Avoiding work –Part 3 - Self Forgiveness

Day 113 – Enjoying Work

I realize I have been blaming/judging others for believing they are trying to avoid work, not realizing I am projecting myself onto them and thus distracting myself from my own acceptance and participation within avoiding work, while believing myself to be good and self righteous while judging others for being bad and manipulative, within this I realize my experience has been directed through the constant anticipation of being manipulated, within expecting others to be as manipulative as me, instead of stopping myself within manipulation and standing up within breath and simply allow myself and push myself to do what needs to be done, and not distract me from myself through judging/blaming others for what I perceive them to be doing, within the neurotic idea that they are plotting against me


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in manipulation within hiding my self interest to avoid working, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself onto others within the expectation of them doing the same, and thus to blame them for trying to avoid work instead of being self honest with myself and changing myself within my starting point of believing work should be avoided, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame/judge others for that which I still participate within, and thus I commit myself to align myself with the principle of equality within give as you would like to receive and thus if I want to live in a world where people don't manipulate each other to avoid working - it must start with self first, and thus it must start with self change, and thus I commit myself to change my starting point towards work and within that I commit myself to stop myself form manipulating other for my own self interest, and only once I have changed myself I can look at others from a starting point of supporting them to see what they are participating within - but I realize I must be clear within and as myself first and stand as self trust to be sure that I am not participating within avoidance and manipulation, thus, when and as I see myself going into avoidance and manipulation in regards to work, I stop myself and breathe, I stop the back chat and bring myself back here to/as breath and walk the practical steps to get the job done, within this I commit myself to deliberately place myself in positions where normally I would want to avoid as to be able to brake the pattern and prove to myself that I am my self directive principle and that I am not limited / restricted / directed by the mind


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within the belief that work must be avoided, to have allowed myself to manipulate and deceive those around me as I try to get out of doing work, and within that expect others to do the same as me as I project myself onto them, and thus exist within an anticipation as an alert state as if waiting to be conned/manipulated


I realize that when I judge others for being manipulative I am actually showing myself that such manipulation still exist within me, and thus I stop myself within and as breath and turn it back to myself, within allowing myself to see in the moment where I am not being self honest and actually am manipulating the situation to suit my hidden self interest


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a constant state of anticipation, as waiting to be conned / manipulated and thus communicate to others from a starting point of self defense as I defend my self interest while I am sure the other is acting from within their own self interest and thus I create a war/competition between us, as the battle of the ego, while existing within self righteousness and believing that I am innocent and they are the manipulative ones, thus I commit myself to when I experience myself in the state of anticipation towards someone manipulating me, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to the practical physical reality and check my starting point to find where I am acting within self interest, and within this I commit myself to change my starting point and align it with what is best for all within the situation, and if I cannot find the point of self interest I commit myself to let go the point and not fight for it, because I realize it's become an ego battle, and all that will come out of it is friction and conflict, thus I take self responsibility and do not allow myself to participate and create more energy through friction and conflict and thus I stop myself in the moment from proceeding within the conversation / argument /situation


I realize that as long as I participate within self interest I will always create and exist within conflict and friction within myself and my relationships with others, because within self interest there will always be conflict of interest, within this I realize that by pushing through the self interest and not allowing myself to participate within it, and thus not allowing myself to manipulate to get my way, I will be able to establish effective communication with others and actually come to solutions that serve all as equals, thus serve me and them, as a shared interest within this shared earth on which we live on. Thus I commit myself to when I see myself participating in self interest, to stop myself within breath and to bring myself back here to the physical and equal reality, where we are all equal as life, and thus no ones interest is more important to be fulfilled than another, but rather the interest of life, as all as equal, is the only interest that is valid to peruse, and thus I commit myself to changing my starting point, time and time again, until living as what is best for all is my "nature" where I have built self trust and have let go of all the self interest which are based on personality as ego, and allow myself to be one and equal to all the is life

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Day 113 – Enjoying Work

The following blog is a continuation of my previous writings, please read them for further context if you haven’t already :
Day 110 - Avoiding Work
Day 111 – Self interest can never be “right”
Day 112 - Avoiding work –Part 3 - Self Forgiveness

I realize I have put a value on enjoying what I do and thus have allowed myself to be directed by my preferences, thus not considering what is best for all but only existing within self interest as what makes me feel good to be doing, within this I realize that what I believe I enjoy is based on the mind as a value system, where I believe some things are more enjoyable than others, when I haven't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am here in every breath, and whatever I do doesn't change that, thus, it doesn't matter what I am doing as long as I am here as/within breath, where the only preference should be to apply myself as what is best for all, as the preference of all, and not base what I do on my own self interest - I realize nothing will even change in my reality, as my inner and outer experience, if I keep allowing myself to exist within my self interest preferences, instead of standing up for all life and living as what is best for all life in every breath, within that doing whatever is necessary, starting with stopping myself form being directed by the mind and instead directing myself as life, as breath, as what is best for all life in equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place more value on enjoying myself than on what practically needs to be done regardless of my enjoinment within doing so, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some tasks are more enjoyable than others and thus exist within a self created limitation that restricts me from participating and taking responsibility within what I realize needs to be done if I have defined such a task as unenjoyably, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define some tasks as more enjoyable than others and through living out this definition I have created a situation where when I participate in specific tasks I believe I will not enjoy myself and then to prove myself right I, within my participation within/as the mind, actually believe I am not enjoying myself, not realizing that I am existing in a polarity created by the mind to keep me enslaved to the ideas/definitions and not allow myself to be free to simply do what needs to be done without attaching any energy to it and without expecting to get any energy out of it within self interest, simply doing within breath what needs to be done

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that within the expectation to enjoy myself within the tasks that I do I am actually self sabotaging myself, instead of supporting myself as life and breathing through everything that I do, and walking the physical one breath at a time, and not allowing myself to go into my mind in the thirst/expectation/addiction to energy, but allow myself to be here, within/as the physical, and support myself as the physical in walking the process of stopping my participation/addiction to/as the mind, and bringing myself back here, to myself, as the physical, as life, within/as breath

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe as I work and thus to exist in my mind as back chat / judgment, thus separating myself from what I am doing, and not allowing myself to actually do anything fully because I have always allowed myself to be only partly here, and the other part of me, in separation of myself has always been in the mind as interpreting what I do within judgment / expectations / beliefs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my preferences and not allow myself to direct myself as life here as what is best for all in equality and oneness within the realization that all is one and thus equal, and any participation in my own self interest preferences is of separation within the belief that my preferences have more value than the preference of all life as bringing about a change in this world, a change that starts with changing myself, a change that honors all life, as I honor myself as life, and as life honor all as equal as life as myself - thus I realize that within self honesty, my highest preference is to honor all life and thus is the preference of all - within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as self interest and not consider all life and thus participating and being an active part in the problem of this world, instead of standing within/as equality and being a part of the solution to bring about a world that it's only preference is what is best for all life

I realize that I have been living within an idea that I must enjoy what I do, thus placing value as judgment on the task, and as a result allowing myself to be directed by personal preference instead of being self directed and living the principle of equality and oneness, as what is best for all - I realize personal preferences are a distraction from what actually matters, which isn't to satisfy my privet wants/needs/desires, but to satisfy all as one and equal in creating a world that supports all life equally - within this I realize that the task to do so may not be enjoyable, and I must let go of the desire/expectation to enjoy what I do in order to be able to be free to actually get the job done - within this I realize that enjoying myself is either an energetic experience and then is of the mind and is based on values/ideas/beliefs/memories or it can be a self expression as life, and then it would be aligned with equality and oneness as what is best for all life - thus if I see myself not enjoying myself I know I am trapped in self interest / back chat / the mind, and not allowing myself to be here in breath and practically do what needs to be done, step by step by step, to bring about a change, firstly in myself, and then in the world as myself

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that living by preference is limiting, and that it would be much more beneficial and self supportive to be able to work from a clear starting point as a self directive decision to do the task or take the responsibility and not be influenced by the desire to get energy out of it as an experience of enjoyment, but to be clear, here and stable and simply work / do / live / breathe - and thus to not define myself by/as the work I do but rather who I am within it, and in doing so allow myself to be here, as self expression, through breathing, in any activity/task I do

I commit myself to myself as life, I commit myself to breathing within everything I do,I commit myself to slow myself down so that I can walk within/as breath, I commit myself to stopping the back chat of judgment towards activities I believe to be not enjoyable and instead breathe and apply myself within the physical reality, I commit myself to, when I am not enjoying myself, to stop and breathe, to see that I am participating in the mind as judging what it is that I'm doing, and to stop myself within breath, to bring myself back here, and to start over within a fresh starting point of simply doing what needs to be done unconditionally without expecting any energy of enjoinment in return

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Day 93 - Fear Dimension - Part 14 - Fear of losing MySelf - Corrective Statements

This blog is continuing from the previous blog:

Day 79 - The lowest point

Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension  - Mistakes – Part 1

Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2

Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3

Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4

Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5

Day 85 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 6

Day 86 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 7 - Self Forgiveness

Day 87 - Fear Dimension - Inferiority - Part 8

Day 88 - Fear dimension - Part 9 - self commitment

Day 89 - Fear dimension - Authority - Part 10

Day 90 - Fear dimension - Part 11 - Self forgiveness

Day 91 – Fear Dimension – Part 12 - Fear of Losing MySelf

Day 92 - Fear Dimension - Part 13 - Fear of Losing MySelf - Self forgiveness

I realize that I am here and cannot lose myself except as an idea I had of myself, thus, when and as I see myself going into fear of losing myself within the context of resisting letting go of a self definition or a definition I have believed to be true, I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here to the physical reality, to myself as the physical body, I realize I can only lose myself as the mind, as an idea/definition, and cannot actually lose myself as life

I realize that within participating in self definition I am actually separating myself from myself and limiting myself to a narrow, one dimensional definition, thus, when and as I see myself holding on, within reaction, to a self definition of myself I stop myself and breathe, within breath I allow myself to expand, as allow myself to let go the definition I have of myself within realizing that it is a mind illusion, created to keep me enslaved and limited, as to not realize myself as life, as equal and one to all that is here, thus when and as I see myself resisting letting go a self definition or a definition I have accepted to be true through reacting to what is being said, I stop myself and breathe, I allow myself to listen to what is being said unconditionally, I allow myself to practice critical reasoning and expand within the point discussed, not limiting myself to the old knowledge I have on the topic but allow myself to stretch the boundaries of my mind that I have allowed to limit and direct me

I realize that the self definition I have of myself as being a nice/good/smart/intelligent person is based in polarity and within it exist the fear of being or being seen as the other side of the polarity as bad/stupid/boring, within this I realize that I have designed and accepted myself as the "good" side of the polarity based on my upbringing as a outflow of the social accepted norms I grew up with, within this I realize I have created myself as this "good" character, as an act, to survive and to be accepted by society, thus, when and as I see myself going into the nice/good character, as defending myself as the nice/good character, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to my physical body as myself, I do not accept myself to participate in this character because I realize it is a lie, and is in fact allowing the suppression of all that I am that isn't defined as good/nice

I realize that by participating and defending the good/nice character I have created myself as, I am in fact being directed by fear, fear of what the consequences will be if I am not that definition any more, thus, when and as I see myself going into fear of not being defined as nice/good, I stop myself and breathe, I realize that within the principle of equality and oneness I am equal and one to all that exist, and within the current world I can clearly see that I am one and equal to a bad/brutal/evil reality, and thus I realize that the self definition of being nice/good is separating myself from all that is here and not allowing myself to take self responsibility of that which is brutal/evil, and thus accepting and allowing the brutality within myself and within the world to continue uninterrupted, thus, when and as I see myself separating myself from all that is bad/brutal/evil I stop and breath, I allow myself to accept myself within/as the evil that exist in the world as I realize all this evil exist within/as myself as one and equal, thus I push myself to see what the world as a mirror is showing me as reflecting self back to self as self support, so I take all that I see as a gift and within gratefulness I allow myself to see the evil within myself, and to stop pushing it away from myself within separation

I realize that the evil that exist in the world reflect me, and within this I realize that I have allowed myself to exist as an organic robot, designed and programmed by my parents/society and accepted/allowed by/as myself through my participation within/as it, thus when and as I see myself resisting/rejecting myself as bad/evil, I stop myself and breathe, I realize it is what it is, I stop the self judgment within self forgiveness, and within humbleness I allow myself to embrace myself within/as the evil, as to be able to unconditionally investigate the point of evil within/as myself, without the vail of self judgment designed to hide myself from myself, and within investigating myself as the point and within/through self forgiveness, I give myself the gift of change, and allow myself to expand/grow/change as that which is best for all, to live/be as a living example

I realize that the current state of the world is based on all the definitions that exist within/as it as an accumulation of all that is accepted and allowed, thus I realize that to change our world as the reality we exist in we must allow ourselves to change the definitions to be living words as words that support life and expose the abuse and stop allowing the suppression/limitation of the mind, I realize that words have been a tool that creates/enhances the illusion of separation we exist as, and the words within their definitions have been justifying our self interest within promoting fear, thus when and as I see myself resisting redefining a word within holding on to the definition I have from the past, I stop and breathe, I realize that all words and definitions must change if the world is to change, and within myself I realize that I must allow myself to let go all definitions in order to be able to expand beyond the limitations of the mind, as an accumulation of all that I ever learnt/experienced/defined. Thus, as I breathe I bring myself back here to/as the physical reality within/as my physical body, as this is what is here as life, and as I bring myself back to the physical I breathe the resistance as energetic build up into the ground, giving back to the ground the energy that has been consumed from the physical, and as I return the energy to the ground I let go the attachment/holding on I have towards the definition, and allow myself to be humble, to be "not knowing", to be here without any knowledge to protect me, simply here as breath, nothing to protect, nothing to hide, nothing to hide from, here, stable

I realize that the fear/resistance I experience towards letting go of definitions is manifested as back chat, thus, when and as I see myself going into back chat within/as the mind as telling myself why I shouldn't let go the definition, and why it just doesn't make sense, and why I am right and they are wrong, I stop myself and breathe, I stop myself and don't allow myself to participate in the back chat, I realize that back chat exist within my hidden mind, separated from reality, hidden from the eyes of others because it is always based in self interest, and thus allows and promotes abuse, allows and promotes abdication of responsibility, justifies itself and the reaction and thus keeping self further away from living as equality and oneness as what is best for all, thus, within breath, I stop the back chat, I do not allow myself to fall in it's tempting trap, I remain here, supporting myself within/as breath, until the back chat "loses" its power over me, and I remain standing, self directive, here

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