My journey to life

Monday, November 12, 2012

Posted by Maya R at 3:54 AM Labels: being corrected, being wrong, change, character, commitments, comparison, competition, desteni, directive principle, ego, energy, enslaved, inferiority, mistake, self commitments, self creation, self definition, self diminishment, self judgment 0 comments

Day 88 - Fear dimension - Part 9 - self commitment

This blog is continuing from the previous blog:

Day 79 - The lowest point

Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1

Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2

Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3

Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4

Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5

Day 85 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 6

Day 86 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 7 - Self Forgiveness

Day 87 - Fear Dimension - Inferiority - Part 8

I've been writing about fear, and have applied self forgiveness, but I have realized that I haven't been very specific with my self commitments, and within this I realize that writing about it and forgiving myself is one part of the process, but actually pushing myself to actually physically walk through my fear, and actually physically express myself in a different way than what I am use to within my preprogrammed characters, is another part, a crucial part, because without the living application of actually changing, I am waiting my time on verbal masturbation. I realize taking the leap and actually walking through the fear is an imperative part of this process, it's not just about talking the talk, I must push myself to walk it as a living expression as who I am.
And thus, through writing self commitments one plan the way before oneself, as a guide line, preparing oneself within accepting the challenge so to speak, to actually correct oneself in the physical.

I commit myself, when I see I have made a mistake, through being corrected, to stop any reaction within myself and to breathe, to make sure I am here, stable within/as myself, then, I commit myself to look at what is being said as a gift, as a way to expand/improve/perfect myself within my application, I commit myself to stop myself within any reaction of inferiority as I realize that any reaction implies that I am going into a character I have created myself as in self interest as a survival mechanism and thus in complete disregard of what is best for all, I realize that I have been using inferiority to protect/defend myself as the character, as the self definition I have given myself, actually protecting myself as the ego, instead of allowing myself to humbly accept what is said, and within breath allow myself to correct myself and learn from what I have done, within this, as practical application, I commit myself to ask what I can do differently, to ask for help, to ask for guidance, within accepting the fact that others can help me, that others may know more and can give me guidance, I realize this has been a "difficult" point for me due to creating an idea that asking for help represents weakness and thus I wanted asking for help to be beneath me, but I see now that any justification to not ask for assistance is a mind's manipulation, and thus invalid, as we are all here together and can help/assist/support each other, and thus I commit myself to using communication and allowing myself to be humbly and ask for help.

I commit myself to investigate the cause of the mistake, to look within self honesty and allow myself to admit/face if I have cut corners or have made the mistake deliberately in any way as for instance, when I am busy participating with back chat as justifications to cut corners, or excuses why I shouldn't do this task instead of allowing myself to be here within the task I am working on, thus, I commit myself to take responsibility for any deliberate self sabotage, to not run away from myself, but to stand as myself and accept myself as all that I have done, within realizing that it isn't personal, from the perspective that it really doesn't define me, but within that I realize that now I have an opportunity to correct myself, thus I commit myself to not judge myself because I have seen it is counterproductive and actually self abusive and self sabotaging, thus, instead of judging myself I commit myself to take responsibility within breath and humbly correct myself.

When and as I see/define myself as failing, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to go into the "I have failed/am a failure" character because I realize that by going into failure I am allowing myself to live in the past instead of being here and finding a practical livable solution/correction for the situation, and thus using failure to actually give up and fail, thus I commit myself to investigate the point within looking at my starting point to see if my starting point is valid within the principle of equality as what is best for all, or was my starting point within self interest/fear/justification, thus within investigating the starting point I take responsibility for myself, and without judging myself allow myself to become my self directive principle and change my starting point and correct myself into that which stands as best for all within equality, within this I commit myself to ask for assistance if I can't find the "problem" point or if I don't find a solution/correction for the situation, within this I commit myself let go the construct of failure and instead to see it as another step in my process of self realization, self honesty and self intimacy, of which I am walking step by step, one breath at a time

When and as I see myself wanting to be right, I stop and breathe, I realize the desire to being right is indicating that I am trying to prove myself and thus am acting within self separation as I am not accepting myself and thus believe I must prove myself within knowledge/information to validate/approve/accept myself, thus I commit myself, when I see myself go into the desire of being right or proving myself, to stop talking, to breathe and within breath to bring myself back here to my physical body, and in the moment within self honesty look at what am I doing, what I am hiding from myself, what am I actually showing myself within this "trying to be right", and within this quick investigation done with support of breath at the moment, if I see any justifications come up I just stop them and push through the desire to explain/justify and simply stay quiet and breath, and if the situation is an argument, then I humbly apologize to the other party by saying: "forgive me, I am just arguing because I want to be right, forget it, can you please explain your point again, now I'm here and am listening", thus

I commit myself to hear out the other being, within realizing that no mater what is being said I can learn from them. and within this situation of going into the character of desire to be right, I commit myself to investigate the point of self definition / comparison / competition as to find the cause/reason that I am not accepting myself within, and to forgive myself for not allowing myself to accept myself unconditionally and to judge myself for the points I have found, and thus forgive myself for I have allowed myself to live in constant competition to prove myself worthy, not realizing that I have been competing with myself within allowing the polarity of right/wrong to exist within and as myself.

Within the fear of being seen as less than, and within the back chat of seeing myself as less than in relation to tasks I am given, I commit myself to stop the judgment I hold towards specific tasks wither the nature of the task or the time it takes to do it, and within this I commit myself to push myself as self directive principle to do those tasks that I have deemed as less than, to expand myself within my application, to not limit myself within the belief that some tasks are beneath me within realizing that I am separating myself from the task as myself within participating in a mind made idea/belief/judgment and thus not valid, I've seen that when I stop the back chat and allow myself to simply do it within/as breath I find that I get comfortable with the task and 'change my mind' about it, thus I have proven to myself that the ideas/beliefs/judgments I have towards tasks don't stand once I allow myself to actually do them without back chat as judgment, I see that surprisingly I even enjoy them, so I commit myself to stop myself within breath when I see myself judging any task, and thus allow myself and push myself to do any task necessary without any limitation, by pushing myself through the back chat until I am comfortable with the task

Within the fear of being used/manipulated by others within believing the fair/unfair character, I have been existing within a debt system, as calculating what I do for them and what they do for me, and calculating what I perceive everyone is doing, thus I commit myself to do things for "free", unconditionally, and to let it go the moment I finish as to not allow myself to carry around the past with me as a charged memory as debt. Thus, I commit myself to stop myself within the expectation to get anything in return, and to find situations where I can do things for others as myself to test myself within this application as not expecting/wanting anything in return, thus creating a directive situation where I am deliberately "being used" as to walk through the fear of being used within realizing that as long as I am directing myself as the living principle there is nothing to fear within realizing no one is doing anything to me, because I am directing myself in every moment

I commit myself to push myself to do what I would do as if I didn't have issues as fear, I commit myself, when making a directive decision as to what to do, to investigate the point within considering what someone, that doesn't exist within this fear, would do, and push myself to do it, I commit myself to take on my fears and walk through them, while supporting myself with writing, self forgiveness and corrective statements, to come to a point where I am no longer directed by fears and can walk here, stable within breath, in every moment and through every situation

For Further Support, Please check out Links:

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Posted by Maya R at 1:54 PM Labels: abuse, as within so without, commitments, conflict, consequences, desteni, dissapointment, equality, evil, expectation, manipulation, realization, self realization, spite, spiteful, support, two sides of the coin 0 comments

Day 77 – Spitefulness – Self Realization

This blog is a follow up from my previous blog

Day 69 - Friendship - Part 11 – Spitefulness – Part 1

Day 70 - Spitefulness - Part 2 - Self Forgiveness

Day 71 - Spitefulness - Part 3 - Self Commitments

Day 72 – Spitefulness – Part 4 – More Characters – Self Forgiveness

Day 73 - Spitefulness - Part 5 – Self Commitments

Day 74 - Spitefulness - Part 6 - Self Forgiveness

Day 75 - Spitefulness - Part 7 - Self Commitments

Day 76 - Spitefulness - Part 8 – Both Sides of the Coin - Self Forgiveness

Spite - Malicious ill will prompting an urge to hurt or humiliate.

I've realized that any reaction within myself is a self create/accepted reaction/experience. Within this I realize that all parts of the spitefulness character/structure are self created, as I see that only through my participation/creation of ideas/beliefs/opinion/self definitions/judgments do I allow myself to become spiteful as an outflow of and justified by all that I have created as the mind.

It's funny in a way; my mind creates an idea, then my mind creates conflict within this idea, where reality contradict my idea, or when two ideas within me collide and cannot coexist without conflict, thus inner conflict, then I experience the conflict as a "negative" experience, as something undesirable, and then instead of seeing my responsibility for the entire situation which would indicate and may even result in changing my actions/behavior within realizing that I am creating my own self conflict, no, instead of doing that, I manipulate myself within/as the mind into believing that someone else is to blame and actually responsible for the conflict as the negative energy that I am experiencing, within this whole mess I believe myself as the mind, and turn spiteful towards this other being that I have projected onto them the blame/responsibility, and thus I hold them responsible for my self creation.

Within self honesty I realize another "disturbing" point, where all and everything that I experience being done to me, that I then blame and become spiteful towards, I am participating within. For instance, I resent people expecting things from me and then expressing their disappointment, and when it happens I become spiteful towards it/them, but then I allow myself to exist as the other side of the same coin where I expect things from other and then am disappointed and take it personally when they don't stand up to my expectations, and then I turn into spitefulness as well… now, the reason I react to peoples expectation is because of the construct I have created within myself when I expect from others, so when I expect from others I disregard them as the totality of their beingness and all I care about is my self interest which I want them to live by, and if they don't I am disappointed and become spiteful/resentful towards them, thus when I experience people expecting things from me I, within myself, expect them to exist as the pattern/construct I exist as, which I created in my mind, thus when I react to expectation I am in fact reacting to the construct of expectation that I created within myself and that I participate within.

So here again showing the basic law of “as within so without"as I within myself create that which I perceive to come from without me, as well as the principle of "do onto another as you would like them to do onto you" because what do is what I experience being done to me, and thus only if I do onto another that which I would like to be done onto me, will I experience that which I want to experience.

I commit myself to take and investigate every reaction I have towards another within realizing that it is showing me my own creation, and thus I commit myself to stop myself within breath and take responsibility for that which I created as the reaction/situation I am participating within.

I commit myself to stop myself from participating within the construct of expectation, when/as I see myself going into expectation I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here within realizing that expectation is based on ideas/beliefs and supports limitation while disregarding the other's beingness as the physical existence as what is here, within this I commit myself to when/as I see myself going into spitefulness, to investigate within myself what expectation I had of the situation/other which in my perception it/they didn't stand by, and within this I commit myself to clear myself from the expectation through writing, self forgiveness and corrective statements. I commit myself to stop myself from existing as expectation as what is not actually here as the physical, as life, and to bring myself back here, to the physical reality, to walk here, breath by breath, within realizing that here, spitefulness cannot exist, it can only exist as a construct of the mind, as an illusion that becomes alive as I give it life through my participation with it.

I commit myself to facing myself as the lowest point of existence, within allowing myself to face the lowest perceptions I have of self, and to from seeing the lowest and forgiving myself within self honesty, to stop the cycle of reaction when I perceive others in my environment are defining me as the lowest, within realizing that by allowing myself to be one with the lowest point, no one can then have power over me, and within forgiving myself as the lowest point I can be free of the fear of being seen/perceived as the lowest point, within realizing that the reaction towards how people see/perceive me is based on the self definition as the religion of self that I have accepted as myself, and thus "fight" to protect, but within allowing myself to let go of the positive idea I have about myself, and take on the lowest most negative points, I can in fact be free of the reaction, because there will be nothing to fear

I commit myself to stop myself from bullying others, within identifying a point of weakness and creating a situation where I can see myself as the dominator, as more than the other, I commit myself to stop participating within any pattern which is abusive/humiliating/suppressing of another being within realizing that as long as I participate within such constructs I will always perceive these construct being done to me by others, when in fact I will be experiencing my own creation, thus for these constructs of abuse/humiliation/suppression to stop, I must stop them within myself - as within so without, thus I am directly responsible for the abuse going on in the world through my participation with abuse towards others, I realize any participation with/as abuse/spitefulness/bullying towards others is showing me a hidden point of inferiority/weakness that I have accepted within/as myself, and thus I take on this point of weakness/inferiority, and investigate it as myself, not hiding from it any more, but allowing myself to one and equal to/as it, to be able to accept myself as it, and then to let it go within/through self forgiveness, to be able to trust myself that I will not be directed by this point and will not hide it within/through spitefulness/abuse

When I see myself within an emotional energetic reaction, where I feel like I can't take it anymore and want to burst out on someone else to share with me this negative energy - I stop and breathe, I close myself away and stop all interaction as I know where this is leading, and I do not accept myself to in any circumstances spread the energy like an infectious disease only for the self interest of feeling momentarily better, only to then go into guilt when the energy has passed and I am left with the awareness of what I had done. Thus I stop myself from passing on the energy of anger/spitefulness through breathing, until the energetic possession is over, thus, I commit myself to not communicate with others until I can trust myself to do so without passing on the energy to another, through being nasty/spiteful towards them, as this is simply unacceptable

For Further Support, Please check out Links:

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Posted by Maya R at 2:20 PM Labels: annoyance, blame, commitments, enslaved, inferiority, self diminishment, self forgiveness, self honesty, slave, spite, spitefulness, superiority, thoughts, trust, value, weakness, worthlessness 0 comments

Day 73 - Spitefulness - Part 5 – Self Commitments

This blog is a follow up from my previous blog

Day 69 - Friendship - Part 11 – Spitefulness – Part 1

Day 70 - Spitefulness - Part 2 - Self Forgiveness

Day 71 - Spitefulness - Part 3 - Self Commitments

Day 72 – Spitefulness – Part 4 – More Characters – Self Forgiveness

Blame – Annoyance – Superiority – Inferiority - Worthlessness

I commit myself to stop myself as thoughts, to stop myself within a self directive decision as not allowing myself to go into my thoughts as I have realized their evil/abusive nature, I commit myself to breathe and bring myself back here time and time again, for as long as it takes, until I have stopped my addiction to thoughts/feelings/emotions as the mind, I commit myself to stop the energetic addiction of the mind through stopping myself as the thoughts coming up in my mind as justifications/blame/spitefulness within realizing that all these mind components are designed to generate the energy within me, within self interest to feed my addiction, to justify myself so that I never have to change, I realize this will be a process of withdrawal as it is with stopping any addiction thus I commit myself to push through and continue walking, as stopping myself until I am no more directed by the self interest of the mind

I commit myself to investigate any/all spiteful thoughts I have allowed myself to participate within, and within that to investigate all points where I still fall in the pattern/addiction of spitefulness, and within that to find the actual source as driving force that I have allowed myself to be directed by, and stop myself from allowing myself to continue being directed like a puppet on strings, I commit myself to utilize breath as self support and within this to always direct myself back to the physical as what is actually here as life, and not allow myself to be distracted/tempted by the realm of the mind, as I know it's a one way road to hell in the sense of - through allowing myself to separate myself from myself as life, through allowing myself to participate within/as the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions, through not being directive principle in every moment, I have allowed myself to be nasty/spiteful/evil and thus due to actually knowing and being aware of all that I am beneath my mask and act of ignorance there builds up shame/guilt/regret for not stopping - thus within not stopping, I realize I will create my own personal hell of shame/guilt/regret, because beneath this lie, I know I am life, I know my thoughts are running around within the self interest and disregarding myself as life and all as life as equals - thus I commit myself to stop

I commit myself to show that all thoughts are evil in nature, and all thoughts are motivated by self interest, and that within allowing ourselves to participate in thoughts, within allowing ourselves to participate in the spiteful back chat of our hidden mind, we are actually creating this world as evil/abusive/spiteful, and thus we are each responsible to stop ourselves within/as our participation of/within the mind, to be able to walk the first step in bringing about a world that supports life, as well as walking the first step of birthing ourselves as beings that are worthy of life

I commit myself to investigate within myself all points of blame, because I realized that all blame is me hiding from me as not taking self responsibility for that which I am in fact responsible for, I commit myself to stopping myself within breath when I see myself going into blame and to breathe as long as it takes to stop the blame possession from taking over, I coming myself to not allow myself to go into spitefulness based in blame because I realize this is deceptive act getting me to lose track of what really matters which is my responsibility, by placing it on someone else and using that as justification to poison myself and existence as a whole with my spiteful thoughts/words/deeds, thus bringing myself to a point of evil, of acting out the very thing I blame another for, I commit myself to build myself as self integrity through stopping myself from participating in that which I blame others for, which is that which is unacceptable as it is based in abuse/evil/spitefulness

I commit myself to show that any form of blame is done within spitefulness, within placing self's responsibility on another and thus spiting self through deliberately abdicating self responsibility and hiding from self within separation through participation within the mind as thoughts such as blame, within this I commit myself to show that participating with blame is directly accepting abuse to exist within participating in the spiteful thoughts towards another within realizing that spiteful actions come from and are a direct result of spiteful thoughts and thus to ensure spitefulness/abuse stop we must stop all thoughts

I commit myself to use annoyance as a gift, as a tool for self realization and thus self support, to through annoyance see who I am allowing myself to be and what I have allowed to have directive principle over me in becoming annoyed by external trigger, and thus within realizing the points of trigger to see what I am actually showing myself within myself, and thus I commit myself to investigate all points of annoyance and atop myself within/as breath when I see myself going into annoyance as to not allow the experience of annoyance to direct me, and thus to become the directive principle of/as myself, directing myself within the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all

I commit myself to humble myself within/as breath, when I see myself going into superiority, within realizing that superiority is a survival mechanism I have accepted as myself to cover up the experience of inferiority I have allowed myself to exist as, and thus I commit myself to use points of superiority to show myself back to myself, to allow myself to see the point I believe I am better than another and within that the point I fear being less than another and to within seeing these points to forgive myself for accepting myself to exist within the specific polarity of more/less within forgiving the value system I am basing this polarity on, within realizing that any polarity is of the mind, within this I commit myself to investigate the value systems I have allowed myself to participate within and accept as valid due to realizing that all values that are enforced by society are in fact based on self interest and the deception within living as an accepted norm within competition and lacking any self honesty as self expression, and further more lacking the principle of life as equality and oneness

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself going into inferiority towards another and to investigate the point within writing myself to freedom through self forgiveness as to free myself from the perceived inferiority as I have realized it is limiting me and diminishing me and has no value within my process except keeping me enslaved to/as the mind within limitation, within this I commit myself to if/when I see myself going into spitefulness towards the being I am experiencing myself inferior to, to stop myself at the moment, to not allow myself to participate within spiteful thoughts/words/actions because I know this is self deception and creating conflict and abuse and in any way doesn't support myself nor the other as life within our process of life, I commit myself to investigate points of inferiority and to bring myself to a point of equality within myself and existence as a whole

I commit myself to stop participating within/as worthlessness, returning to the physical within/as breath, within realizing that the experience of being worthless is a back door of taking self responsibility within believing myself to be a victim of life, thus not allowing myself to direct myself as life, one and equal to/as life, thus I commit myself to show that any experience of self worthlessness is self manipulation keeping self trapped within/as the mind, a trap created by self and thus can be ended by self, within realizing that I am responsible for/as myself and thus I have the opportunity in every breath to live a life a worth through establishing myself as a being that support myself, that supports all other beings in my immediate environment, that support all life as equals - that is a life worth living, a life that holds no regret within the self trust that self is doing all within the principle of supporting life, and walking life breath by breath, and thus I commit myself to walk breath by breath, and to direct myself to support myself within self honesty, within stopping the mind/thoughts/spitefulness and returning to myself as the physical, as reality, as life

For Further Support, Please check out Links: