Showing posts with label expectations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label expectations. Show all posts
Monday, January 28, 2013
this is continuing my previous blogs
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Day 148 - Inadequacy - Reading difficulties
Day 149 - Inadequacy – Self Created Reading Difficulties
Today was my cooking day, which means I prepare dinner for everyone, it took me a while to get used to making food for so many people, as I'm used to making food for myself pretty much, but it's been working out quite OK, and I've actually been enjoying myself most of the time preparing food, today though was different - I decided to make home made tortilla wraps, as this is a meal I would make for myself back home very often, so I am basically very comfortable with this meal and I like it a lot, and even though it's a familiar meal for me to make, today I really stressed out over it - I was worried they won't like the food combinations that I wanted them to fill their wraps with, I was worried there wouldn't be enough food, I was worried because I had bought a weird flour that made the wraps harder to prepare and I wasn't sure they would be any good, I was worried the chicken pieces wouldn't turn out right because I cooked farm chicken which tends to turn out tougher than chicken you would buy from the shop - I basically was stressed out and worried about this meal all day long, mostly about it not being enough, and then all the unpredictable "problems" that came along the way, and regardless of the worrying there was a lot of the actual physical preparations and cooking to do, so basically I was busy with this meal all day long - all the time it actually took to make it, and all the rest of the day as I was stressing and worrying over it.
I experienced myself doubting myself every step of the way, being hard on myself, and blaming myself for every possible mistake, like buying the wrong flour, or fucking up the chicken, or not making sure ahead of time there are enough veggies for the stir fry and so on…
I see this related to the character of inadequacy I have created myself as, I realize there is an imbedded self doubt within me that I have accept as myself, and thus, have been allowing this self doubt to direct my experience through out my day. And so, even though this is a meal I am comfortable with, and even so I have cooked for this many people quite a few times already, I felt inadequate, I didn't trust myself to pull it off effectively.
The point of inadequacy mostly came from the perspective of not knowing how much and what specifically they will eat, and it perpetuated the fear of failing the dinner, where as the most basic failure is not having enough food, but it's also a failure if there is too much and food is thrown away, it's also a failure if they don't like the food, and of course if I don't like it. So, instead of walking my decision of making this dinner for all these people, in breath, I was running and panting in an experience of an inner panic all fucking day.
It ended up being ok, there was enough food and on the most part people enjoyed the meal, which is cool because that's what I aimed for, but there is no excuse for how I allowed myself to experience myself all throughout the day - today was a prefect example of how I walked the day in my mind, in a constant state of a panic / stress / inadequacy, while still committed to walk the physical practical actions that need to be done - so, it's not that I collapsed under the stress and gave up from perspective of not making the dinner, I did what needed to be done, but I could have done it quietly, without the mind as back chat and emotions pounding within me - I mean, it is actual self abuse to allow oneself to walk the day in such a state, especially when there are physical practical solutions and considerations that one can act on and prevent problems, such as asking someone for help, which I did, or preparing more food, which I did, or preparing the food enough in advance to be able to do everything properly, which I did - so basically I did all the practical physical steps as effective as I could and within common sense, I didn't blow it off, I didn't wait for the last minute, I didn't ignore the unpredictable problems that arose throughout the day - I did it all, but I did it in a constant state of energy, as a constant self doubt, within a constant experience of stress and unease.
The result of today is that I'm exhausted, not because of the physical work I did, that part I actually enjoyed, but rather because of the mind fuck I allowed myself to be in all day long, and I didn't once stop myself to breathe, I didn't once stop myself within realizing that the outcome of the dinner is not as important as who I am within myself throughout my day as I'm preparing and making it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk the day within full participation within / as my mind, instead of stopping myself in self support to breathe, to bring myself back here to the physical reality and out of my head of back chat, self judgment and worry.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, within accepting myself as inadequate, to not trust myself that I can properly make a meal but instead to doubt myself every step of the way and exist in a state of stress and worry.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exhaust myself due to my immense participation within / as the mind, instead of supporting myself to be here in breath, within allowing myself to slow myself down and to walk and breathe with the pace of the physical, not running ahead in my mind, but walking here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a state of stress and worry within doubting myself within accepting myself as inadequate and incapable, instead of simply doing what I can physically do and trust myself within self honesty that I am in fact doing what can be done, and walk in stability regardless the outcome.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk my day in fear of the outcome and thus not allowing myself to be here in breath, equal and one with the physical reality as myself, but instead have projected myself into the future within / as my mind, as I imagine worst case scenarios as the judgment of others as the meal falls apart, and thus walk my day in fear of being judged for fucking up, not realizing that within walking in fear I am fucking myself up where I can see the result of that within the exhaustness I am experiencing now, at the end of the day, as it was such a long day, but only due to my constant participation within / as the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care and worry about what others will say / think about the meal I make and thus within existing in fear / worry abusing myself throughout the day, as I have been victimizing myself, crucifying myself in the name of making a good meal
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into preparing this meal in energy, as I have been planning it and anticipating it for a few days, projecting / imagining how great it will be and how much every one will love it, and thus within allowing myself to exist in the positive energy of excitement and anticipation I have created for myself the inevitable consequence of experiencing the low / bad energy as the worry and fear of it not working out as I had planed and hoped
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe through the unpredictable problems that came out throughout the day, and instead have allowed myself to follow my mind and get lost in it and possessed by it, and as such I have missed myself within this day
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prepare this meal in a starting point of desire for it to be great, instead of walking it practically within a starting point of simply preparing a meal to the best of my ability within the limitations and physical situations that come up, with no energy attached
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk this entire breath without stopping for a moment to breathe, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself throughout this entire day within not being here in breath, but instead existing and participating within / as the mind as energy, I forgive myself for acceptng and allowing myself to become possessed by the energy of the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask those around me for help within a starting point of preparing myself to fall from perspective that asking for help is admitting and declaring there are difficulties and thus preparing the others that dinner might be a flock, and thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ask for help within the practical common sense starting point of actually and simply finding solutions for the problems and situations that I have detected within preparing the meal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be excited about the meal and thus have not taken the time to prepare effectively what needed to be prepared ahead of time when fast, easy and practical solutions would have been easy to be found.
When and as I prepare a meal and see myself going into energy as excitement or worry, I stop and breathe, I realize that I am participating in the mind as here, in the physical there is no practical room for excitement and worry, there is only room for actions, thus, I commit myself to breathe, I commit myself to walk the physical steps here in breath, I commit myself to list out what needs to be done and trust myself to walk it.
When and as I see myself doubting myself within the acceptance self belief of being inadequate, I stop myself and breathe, I stop the thoughts as back chat, and focus on the physical, as the physical actions that I am doing and need to be done
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Tuesday, December 18, 2012
This blog is a part of a blog series “physics and the Desteni Process”
Day 1 - Physics and the Desteni Process - Introduction
Day 2 - Physics and the Desteni Process – Newton's First Law of Motion - the Principle of Inertia
Day 3 - Physics and the Desteni Process - Newton's Third Law of Motion - Equal Force
Day 4 - Physics and the Desteni Process - Newton's Second Law of Motion
Day 5 - Physics and the Desteni Process - Scientific Paradigm
Day 6 - Physics and the Desteni Process - Newton's Second Law of Motion - Forces
I have moved the physics blog series to a separate blog : http://physicsjournettolife.blogspot.com/
When I first started writing about physics I made a list of some concepts, principles and laws that I would like to address within showing how they reflect our reality in a broader way and how they reflect and support the principle of equality as the law that govern our reality. I then started with the most basic and tangible part of physics - mechanics. Though, the more I wrote the more I realized how much investigation is necessary for me to be sufficiently clear about the points, both from the physics perspective, and from the perspective of bringing it together with the principle of equality - I've been doing so within questioning the interpretations of the laws/principles/concepts and taking them into consideration from the starting point of learning from them how we can support ourselves as humanity, as life, to stop the direction we have allowed ourselves to accelerate in, and change ourselves to a direction that is best for all, coinciding with the natural forces as the principle of equilibrium and equality.
As I was sitting down to write my blog today I didn't know how to continue and I panicked - in the past few days I have been experiencing a sense of high, as I've been riding the mind's energy, instead of grounding myself here, and walking step by step, breath by breath, point by point , and today when I didn't know how to continue I fell to the polarity of the high that I had accumulated through out the past few days, and found myself today experiencing myself overwhelmed by it all. Overwhelmed by the vast field of physics - feeling myself inadequate, as too small to take it on, perceiving these points/concepts are too big for me to grasp, too big for me to interpret, too big for me question, too big for me to understand. Overwhelmed by the positive feedback I've been receiving - experiencing an energetic high within realizing that people are actually reading what I'm writing, experiencing myself as visible / seen / known / famous , and as a result experiencing a sense of responsibility within the desire to stand up to the expectations that I have projected on the readers and within that going into fear of not keeping up with myself and not writing a worthy / clear / direct / accurate post. Overwhelmed by the depth and vastness of reality as the physical as what is here, and overwhelmed by the fact that I don't have all the answers, I don't know what reality is, I don't see the full picture - I am just working it out, and scared of making mistakes, scared of failing myself, scared of being challenged on what I've written and not knowing how to explain, not knowing how to back it up effectively. Overwhelmed by the feeling that I'm doing something valuable and within it feeling special and unique, overwhelmed by the thought that this could be an important series, that if done correctly and effectively may benefit someone else besides myself, or dare I say humanity - I now see that within this all I had lost myself, I had forgotten my starting point, or actually, I've realized that I haven't established a clear starting point within myself to begin with.
I went into overwhelmingness instead of realizing that what I am doing isn't special or unique but is simply normal. Doing things like this, writing, expanding, exploring, investigating, sharing, for the best interest of all - this is what normal should be - a being investigating a point and sharing it equally for all to see, not from a pretentious starting point of knowing it all but walking it from a humble starting point of equality, as the being learns the point, they share the point as it opens up, as they expand through the investigation and allow all to learn and expand as well, showing that all points that are here, can be known by all equally and understood by all in simplicity.
What I've been doing within writing this blog series should be experienced by me as simply normal, yet I've never lived this kind of "normal" - I've always interpreted normal as mediocre, boring, uninteresting, unimportant, invaluable - and thus by walking the point of physics, I have become involved, participating and creating something interesting, exciting and valuable - I couldn't see it as normal, and I couldn't help myself from going to overwhelmingness, because I've never done anything like this before, I've always been so busy entertaining myself and doubting myself, that I've never allowed myself to express myself in the learning stages of a process and share myself for others to learn as well. Thus, normal should be, and actually is, if we allow ourselves to see the common sense within it, expanding together as one, equalizing ourselves through assisting and supporting each other, each one in their field of interest, seeing that no point is too big, everything can be broken down to it's basics, we can all be equally knowledgeable, equally understand this reality and equally participate and contribute, we can equally support ourselves to empower ourselves to be more than we have ever allowed ourselves to be within taking self responsibility and changing ourselves into self excellence, to then change reality as a whole as what is best for all, for all life to live, and enjoy, and express, and expand together as equal individuals.
How have we accepted a world that doing that which is best for all, standing up for life is seen as something big, special and extraordinary, when it should be the most natural and normal thing, and it's not as if we are inventing something, creating some form of magic, manifesting something new - we are basically picking up after ourselves, cleaning up the mess that we have created through our acceptance and direct participation in the current world system as all the construct within our world are based on the distractive nature of self interest, greed and desire for power - so why is cleaning up one's own mess, correcting one's own mistakes, clearing up one's own misunderstandings, perceived as something special, when it is in fact the most sane, sensible, logical and normal thing to do?...
So here I am starting over, establishing myself within my starting point, realizing that I am not doing anything special, I am writing myself to freedom, walking my own journey to life, braking down a subject that I have access to so that all can have equal access, expressing myself as I investigate the point, as I am learning it, rediscovering it and redefining it to be aligned with what is best for all. I am expanding myself through investigating the point of physics, I am challenging myself to question it and interpret it within the principle of equality as what is best for all, I am practicing critical thinking, I am practicing my own self expression , I am empowering myself through allowing myself to contribute where I can, I am learning about myself and enjoying myself - finally I am doing what is the sane, sensible, logical and normal thing to do.
More on this point in my next blog, and after I clear this mess up with self forgiveness and self commitment statements I will continue with the physics point, slowly but surely, one breath at a time.
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
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