Day 124 - Behind the Scenes of "Physics and the Desteni Process" series - Self Forgiveness

This blog is a follow up from my previous blog:

Day 123 - Physics and the Desteni Process - From Overwhelmingness to Normal

in relation to the blog series “physics and the Desteni Process”

 

I’m taking a brake from the physics series from perspective that, for a moment, I won’t be writing about a new point in the field of physics, but instead I will walk through the point of my process within writing this series, within realizing that the process of walking the physics series is a point of expanding myself as self expression, and thus is obviously not separated from myself as the process of walking myself into clarity, self responsibility and self defectiveness.

 

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience a resistance towards this project as writing this physics series once I realized I would have to actually investigate and do some leg work in order to be clear and accurate with the points I am opening up, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience a sense of regret within self judgment for not actually integrating the material when I was studying it and as consequence, now, I have to do the work again, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relive the experience I had through out my degree as of not being smart enough to be able to understand and interpret physics, and thus, now, when I realized I don't remember all the material in specificity and thus would have to re-learn all of it, I panicked, within allowing myself to go back into the experience of inferiority I had through out my degree, all this instead of realizing that I am walking this point for myself, as I am educating myself about the world I exist in, in order to become more effective within my daily application, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take this as an opportunity to brake the self create idea that I am inferior to physics and within walking the step by step process of learning what has been said and within applying critical reasoning to empower myself through allowing myself to express my perspective and insight within the starting point of expanding myself, as I take the physics into practical supportive application to find clarity and .

 

 

Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and believe myself to be the "lazy" character, and thus when I realized how much work there is to do I panicked, within believing myself to be lazy, within allowing myself to base my self-definition on past experiences and memories, and thus, due to never having done anything like this before, due to never before applying myself within self direction and consistency, I have allowed myself to believe I am not able to do so, instead of looking a the point in self honesty to commit to understanding it so I will be sure to never allow it to direct me again, investigating why I have never before allowed myself to excel, to push myself into consistent and effective application - I realize that instead of going into a panic within an experience of overwhelmingness, the common sense thing to do would be to see how I can improve, how I can learn to become effective, to stop the fear of failure because it only exists in my head and is limiting me as I believe it to be valid and justified based past experiences.

 

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as lazy within self interest as it has always been more convenient to believe myself to be incompetent than to stand and take self responsibility and actually apply myself as the directive principle as what is best for all, within this i commit myself to walk a process of self change, within realizing that the only way to build self trust is to allow myself to stand up and take self responsibility, within realizing that only through taking self responsibility will i expand and allow myself to become a being that I myself trust and respect as a being that is self directive and self committed to self transformation through self application. Within this, I commit myself to stop myself as self interest, as when i see myself falling into laziness within the justification of self definition, I stop myself and breathe, I correct myself in the moment to push myself to do that which needs to be done, within considering myself in my process and not allowing myself to be directed by the mind as justification and self definition within realizing that it is limiting and restricting me from being all that I can be 

 

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself within believing myself to be lazy and incapable of directing myself into self commitments, to not allow myself to learn how and thus allowing myself to exist as self limitation instead of allowing myself to change myself as self directive to become that which I have never considered I could be as effective, self directive, consistent - thus I commit myself to investigate why I have not allowed myself to be effective, self directive and consistent within finding the points of self interest that I have been holding on to as convenience ,and within this I commit myself to find and apply practicable tools as writing, self forgiveness, self corrective statements and breathing, to assist and support myself to become effective, self directive and consistent - and thus to establish self trust, self respect and self value.

 

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to panic within the expectation that each day I will be ready to write a sufficient blog about a complete point in physics, within realizing that I must investigate the points and become clear about them due to having forgotten the specifics of the material, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not remembering all the material in specificity and thus exist in the past within regret, not realizing that by participating in self judgment as regret I am making the process harder on myself as instead of being here and walking the point within breath I have allowed myself to be in my mind as self judgment and thus not give myself the chance to be effectively here as breath, one and equal to the point that is here, within this, i commit myself to learn from the past and not judge myself because of it, and thus to make sure that my starting point is clear within everything id and if i decide to do something I commit myself to it in order to not repeat the mistake of doing something half way and then judging myself for not integrating it as myself, within this I realize that the only way to walk this point is to walk at my own pace, to slow myself down and walk the points as they open up and walk them within the starting point of self, of investigating and exploring the points for self expansion, and then share what I have found and realized for others to see, learn and expand as well.

 

 

I commit myself to walk every point within the starting point as self, and thus see, realize and understand why I am doing what I am doing, within this i commit myself to if deciding to walk a point, to dedicate myself to the point as myself and investigate within self honesty, within self trust that step by step, walking within breath, i will slowly but surely reveal the point to myself as myself, and open it up as self realization as i get to know myself through seeing my relationship with every point i walk, and thus expand, one point at a time.

 

 

I commit myself to establish self trust through allowing myself to support myself through writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective statements, to let go the self diminishment that has been the excuse to not stand up and take self responsibility, and within this I commit myself to use this point of the physics series of blogs to prove to myself that I can be consistent and effective and that within realizing this is a process, and I am learning myself as I'm walking, to give myself time without self judgment, and walk this point as self expression, into self gratification within knowing that I am walking and will keep on walking until I stand stable within and as myself

 

 

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Day 35 - My dog ate my Homework

I wrote a blog for today on different computer and it froze, and my initial thought was that it’s a legitimate reason to not have a blog done for today, “my computer froze” is the modern excuse for “my dog ate my home work”.

But, if I have made a commitment to myself to write and post a blog each day, then why am I looking for excuses to get out of my commitment.

Once I allow excuses to break my self-commitment it snowballs and sooner than later any little thing becomes an excuse. So this time I saw myself going into the pattern of looking for an excuse to excuse me from standing by/as the commitment I gave myself, I saw myself going into back chat such as “what can I do, I can’t be expected to write another blog, or to try to right it again…” and I hear this voice in my head in a joking tonality like it would be absurd to expect me to write again, not comprehending that I am writing for MYSELF and not for anyone else, there is no external expectation I have to obey, it’s just me and my commitment I made to/for myself, and within this I know that giving myself excuse to get myself out of the commitment I made for myself is complete self diminishment, and what would the outcome of that be? the outcome would be another point to the “mind’s team” in the accumulation game, and one less point for self within establishing myself as self trust self direction and self support.

Not to say I am in a war with my mind, but every action/decision I participate in is either supporting myself as life or is supporting myself as the mind.

So, I’m glad the computer froze, and I’m glad I had an opportunity to clear this point within/as myself – I am writing this blog for me, I have made a commitment for/as myself to support myself within walking myself out of the chains of the mind and into life.

I realize this blog is not only supporting because of the actual writing/self forgiveness/self commitments, it is supportive through it being a commitment of self dedication, through the writing of the blog, every day I commit to myself, I dedicate myself to myself as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for excuses to get out of commitments/responsibilities instead of standing within self dignity/honor and walking my responsibility within/as breath, within respecting and honoring myself as life

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to write the blog from a starting point of self support and have only written from a starting point of external commitment, not realizing that I am walking this process as/for myself within the principle of oneness and equality, thus anything within/as process that I do not do for/as myself, that I do for someone else’s expectations of me, is self deception, and will only last for that long, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize this is a process of SELF, and thus all points/motivations move from/as self or will not last, and within self motivation as self movement as self direction I realize I must will myself within every breath to make the decision, to chose myself as life, time after time, blog after blog, breath after breath, time and time again, until… well, I don’t know until when, until it is done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for excuses to not write myself blog without allowing myself to realize the self compromise within making a decision and not standing my it, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself deliberately throughout my process through braking my own word time and time again, creating myself as not trust worthy in my own eyes, to make it easier for myself to slack off and not take responsibility because I am still moved/motivated by the force of self interest, within this I realize that only through pushing/willing myself to honor myself as life, to honor my decisions, to live within a principle of what is best for all, will I be able to free myself from the chains of self interest and be able to trust myself, to respect myself and to actually enjoy myself, and not have to hide within shame of who I am as what I have allowed myself to be and exist as, through my participation within/as the mind as self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself as I give myself excuses and justifications to slack off and not stand by the decision I have made, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself into believing my own deception, not allowing myself to see the self sabotage within it, I forgive myself within this, that I have accepted and allowed myself to always look for the easy way out even after I have proven to myself time and time again, that the easy way out is in the long run the long way, and that the easy way out will never give me the outcome I am actually, really looking for, and that outcome is to be able to trust myself, to appreciate myself, to know myself for what I really am, to face my true nature as I have created myself, and to know I am directing myself to change into being the being I actually want to be, and not simply to accept myself as the being I have created myself as just because that’s the easy way out, but to take the hard way of self investigation, because I realize I’d rather see/live the ugly truth than to accept myself to live/exist as a lie, because I realize that living as a lie is not living

I commit myself to writing/posting a daily blog within the journey to life, because I realize the support it gives me to make a directive decision and stand by it, no excuses no justifications.

I commit myself to remind myself that I am in fact writing this daily blog for myself, as self support, and to remind myself the value of standing by my word/decision I have given myself, within realizing that if I break my word to myself how can I ever trust myself, and within that I realize that I have broken my word to myself many time in the past, and for each time I will have to accumulate myself as self trust, until I am actually trust worthy in my own eyes.

I commit myself to writing every day practical commitments that I can stand by, because I realize the self sabotage/deception within making big commitments “in the air” that I cannot apply, within creating another point of not standing by my commitment, thus I commit myself to be practical, so that I can actually stand by it and be able to see/assess that I am in fact standing

I commit myself to when seeing myself within giving myself excuses/justification to get out of a self responsibility I stop and breathe and remind myself the simply math of accumulation within realizing that each time I fall is remembered as accumulation within the grand equation of my life, and thus through my participation with justification/excuses I am making the path harder for me in the long run, within this I commit myself to push myself from falling in the tempting trap of justification

I commit myself to breathe, I commit myself to slow down, I commit myself to build/establish self –honesty within/as myself through the constant application of the tools as writing/self forgiveness/self corrective statements

Day 2 - What am i going to write about?

What am I going to forgive? Which point should I take on now?

I find myself looking for the “right” point to write about instead of simply writing about it. I find myself in my mind going on and on about all the different patterns I have participated with that have not been supportive and that I would like to forgive and correct within myself, but I can’t make up my mind, which one should I tackle NOW within self forgiveness – what happens is that I become overwhelmed by the choices and postpone making a decision till later or later or later… I realize now that this construct has been another method to put off supporting myself by writing as self forgiveness.

I have experienced in the past day or two a constant internal conversation about what I should write my next self forgiveness blog about. While many different points rush through my mind, I end up feeling overwhelmed and indecisive. All points are valid and would be supportive to take on, but I have allowed myself to hide behind “not knowing” what to write about – this is a construct based on separation within the belief/perception that someone else is watching me and will judge me for picking the “right” point to forgive or not. I have not realized that within self forgiveness there isn’t any right or wrong, and there isn’t an external eye watching over me waiting to see if I “do the right thing” – it is all about self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone writing self forgiveness because I couldn’t make up my mind as to what I should write about, instead of simply writing about any one of the many points that came up during the day within. I forgive myself for not realizing that postponing is a mind manipulation to keep me from supporting myself as self forgiveness while the only practical thing to do is to actually write, here in the physical. When I see myself postponing writing due to not making my mind as to what I should write about I stop and breathe, and push myself to start writing within understanding that this is a point of transformation – will I allow the patter of the mind of walking away from my own self created confusion and allow it to direct me, or will I face it within self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe the thoughts in my mind telling me I don’t know to chose which one of the points that came up I should write about, instead of simply starting to write and allowing myself to express myself at the moment, within and as self trust.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to put my thoughts/mind before self, and to within that compromise/abuse myself and not allow myself to support myself within establishing self direction and clarity through a constant application of self forgiveness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall again and again in the manipulations of the mind and time after time to direct myself by listening to the voices in my head instead of standing as self here as/within breath, within the clarity of what is best for all within equality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be directed by voices in my head as back chat, and witin that I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to lose control of myself through letting my mind direct me , my actions and reactions.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the thoughts/voices in my mind direct me within believing them to be me and thus be in my “best interest”, I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see that these voices are not actually supporting me as life as one and equal, but in fact supporting my patterns/addictions and self abuse.

I stop now. When I see myself going into the conversation in my head, debating about what I should do and justifying myself to myself – I stop and breathe, I realize that any inner conversation is indication of myself manipulation and thus I stop and find a practical way to direct myself with.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to know what is a priority point for me to work on now, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use not knowing what to write about as an excuse keeping me from writing and thus keeping me from establishing greater self trust through application, and thus compounding the loop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief that someone is watching over me, like a god, and is judging me as I move along in my life – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place myself as less than this god figure I have created in my mind, instead of seeing within self honesty that this god figure is representing a projection of self within separation.

When I if I see myself projecting myself onto a god figure as an external judgmental eye watching over me, I stop and breathe, I realize that any judgment I fear is pointing at a point that is unclear within self and requires investigation and forgiveness, thus I take the opportunity as a gift and clear myself form the fear of judgment as to allow myself to walk/express freely without being directed by the fear of others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use as an excuse to not apply self forgiveness the idea that I don’t know what to write about, instead of realizing that this experience of “not knowing what to write about” is a mind manipulation. 

When I find myself participating within “not knowing” I stop and breathe, I look at what is practical to do at the moment within the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all, and thus allow myself to support myself here through/as self direction while stopping the control of the programmed mind