Showing posts with label self interest. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self interest. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic
Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage
Day 194 - 21 days of self dedication – misusing the desteni process
Day 195 - 21 days of self dedication - part 5 – but I am still here
Day 196 -21 days of self dedication – part 6 - experience of isolation
Now, this point of self value, or shall I say, lack of it, has been in the background of my process for quite some time, t is a prominent point that leaves a mark in everything I participate in, it's like an additional flavor to everything I do in life - so, why do I not value myself?
Obviously this is a very compacted point and relates and connects to many other points - which brings up this experience of overwhelmingness as "how the hell am I going to tackle this point?" but I have recently realized once again, that this is a process, and a long one as well, and no, any point I face, I cannot now what I will find within the investigation, otherwise I would not need to investigate, and I do not yet know where it will lead me to - and thus, the only thing to do, is grab one end of a string and start following the information that opens up - and I'll see where I take myself and what I
find.
So here goes.
I'm trying to look back and I ask myself when did I first experience myself as not worthy / not good enough / not valuable - a few family memories come to mind.
The first is that that I constantly compared myself to my sister, I always saw her as perfect, beautiful, smart, good dancer, fun, easy going, friendly and caring - everything that I didn't see myself as, and even when I did see it as myself I would compare, and in comparison to her I would always loose. But why did I compare? What compelled me to evaluate myself according and in relation to her?
Also, I remember that there was a time where I was thinner than her (weight was always an issue in my home as I grew up), and maybe I had a boyfriend at that time - I considered myself to be in a "better place" than her for a while, and I remember how uncomfortable that was for me, like I was out of place to be in a better position than her, it didn't fit with my world view, as within my comparison to her, I was always the inferior / less than, and not being in that position was awkward for me, I even felt guilty, thinking that I can handle being inferior, as I have been so all my life, but for her it's a first, and she must be taking it hard, and it's all my fault, then I would diminish myself within the intention of not rubbing it in, but looking at it now, I guess I did it for my own comfortability rather than actually for her.
Another point / memory, is that my dad would tell me before exams that I don't have to get good grades, I only have to do good enough to pass, and again, my sister was a very good student, and so, when my dad told me I don't have to do so well I knew he was saying that so I don't stress myself over it as she has, but I added onto that my interpretation of him not believing in me - it was actually an interesting dynamic with him, before exams he would tell me that I don't have to do very well, and then when I would get ok grades he would ask why I didn't do any better - both remarks I had taken in and recorded them as indicating that I am not smart / good enough, inadequate, and a disappointment to my dad - when I signed up for my physics degree I was so unsure of myself, I went in with a great possibility of failing, and I remember telling myself, just as my dad told me, that all I need to do is not fail, I don't have to be the best - and in fact through out my degree, I never put in my best, I always was content with being mediocre, and I don't mean that my grades were not good enough, I mean that in relation to myself, I know within myself that I didn't actually invest myself into it, I deliberately didn't do my best, and for the first year I was sure I will fail any moment, I was so unsure of myself
So far what I se is comparison to my sister, and later on in life to other girlfriends that I have placed in my sister's shoes and defined myself as less than them, these friends had power in my eyes, they seemed confidant, or were beautiful or smart, or likable, or friendly - always seeing myself as less valuable, second best, unworthy - experiencing myself as pathetic in relation to them, like "what's the point of even trying to compare myself to them, who am I fooling" - in many cases I would see this come up in relation to guys, where they would always prefer my friends over me, and so I felt like I was in competition with them, like I must win the guy to prove to myself I am worthy - and actually in many cases I "stole" the guy my girlfriend liked, I would never back off, I had to have them, that was like a form of proof that I have some value, "they want me over you", of course, this is a big point within itself, as I see there are many more layers as to why did I go after the boys my friends liked, but here is one dimension of it as to prove to myself that I am better than them in winning this competition I had created.
Once again, it's so clear to see how the mind is dangerous, from the perspective of when I allow myself to be directed by the mind, not taking responsibility of my own life, but following blindly the suggestions and interpretations and self beliefs created by the mind and accepted by self - I end up harming people, creating unnecessary conflict, disregarding others in my life and doing only that which serves my own interest regardless of who stands in my way and who I have to step on to get there, while justifying to myself that I am not a bad person, when in fact I am the pure manifestation of evil, as I did so in complete disregard of the others, I really couldn't care less - actually, that's not entirely true, because it's not that I didn't care, because I actually did so in spitefulness, I wanted to win to prove to myself through this victory that I am worthy and valuable, as if we were in an actual competition, competing against each other, and, for me to win and experience the victory I wanted them to painfully lose, they had to know / see that they have lost, they had to feel it, as I have felt it many times……. Lol, but because I justified myself believing I was innocent, I also wanted / expected them to approve and "give me their blessings" - I was completely blind to what I was participating with. But, the bottom line is that I went after those guys to fulfill that part of me that feels unworthy and not valuable, and to repair this unpleasant emotion I would do anything, and justify myself as I do so.
Tomorrow self forgiveness on the points that came up here in regards to self value / worth
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Tuesday, February 12, 2013
This blog is a follow up from my previous blog Day 155 - Desperation - How will the world ever change?, where I express my desperation towards the condition of the world and blame others for creating it, while not taking responsibility and realizing my part in creating the world as it is - in the following blogs I will be walking in self forgiveness the points that had opened up through writing the previous blog, as my first step of actually taking self responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid expressing myself completely and totally within a fear of receiving hatful comments from people who disagree or disapprove what I stand for and express
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself in such a way that isn't 100% straight forward but rather goes around the point indirectly in order to avoid the chance of being targeted for hate speech
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself within compromising my self expression due to fear of being judge and crucified for what I have to say and stand for
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to state my point directly due to fear of being exposed as a fraud, as someone that speaks the talk but doesn't walk the walk, within judging myself that how can I speak that which I still don't 100% live as myself, not realizing that it's a process and part of the process is speaking the words that will support me in living the words, as through speaking / writing the words that I am directing myself to live, I am showing myself the way, and thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk my process for and as myself, due to the fear of being judged, instead of standing up within and as myself and supporting myself through writing that which I am directing myself to live, until I will become it in fact as a living expression of / as myself, until I am one with the words I speak, as the living word as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged / mocked / crucified by people who don't like what I have to say, or fear / resist the message that I am sharing, within this not realizing that I am allowing myself to be directed by the fear / resistance / judgment of others instead of being self directed and walking myself in self honesty, within allowing myself to be strong and stable within myself and express myself as how I want to be, and not how I believe I am within the self limitation I have created for myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as overwhelmed by the hatred I see in the comments people place on posts, and within this to allow the experience of being overwhelmed to direct me, instead of standing within and as myself and directing myself to walk within the principle of what is best for all life in equality, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to contradict myself as I speak words of equality yet allow myself to be directed by the experience of fear / overwhelmingness, thus allowing myself to be inferior to such experiences, and thus to live as unequal, instead of pushing myself to equalize myself within myself and not participate in any form of inferiority as to prove to myself that inferiority of any kind is a fiction of the mind, existing only through our / my participation, and thus I realize that only through physically stopping myself form participating in any form of inequality / inferiority / superiority and pushing myself to stand within and as myself in self honesty, will inequality stand a chance to stop, but as long as I participate in it I am creating it and recreating it over and over within / as myself and thus am birthing inequality, instead of stopping and standing as life, and rebirthing myself as life from the physical, in equality and oneness as what is best for all life.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself in breathing, as keeping myself here and stable within breathe when / as I face hate speech towards myself or towards others, within this, I commit myself to stop any reaction within / as the moment and to breathe until I am stable, and within stability to speak up and express myself in self honesty and common sense, to prove to myself that I can do it, that I can walk through the fear, thus proving to myself that the fear isn’t real, as it isn't physical and thus can be transcended within a breath
I realize that by suppressing myself in avoiding confrontation in fear of being judged / crucified, I am not only compromising myself, but am compromising anyone I interact with, as I am not standing as the living example as what is best for all, but am allowing myself to be directed by my fears within self interest - I realize that any change must begin with me, and thus, I commit myself to walk this point through pushing myself to comment / speak up in self honesty as what is best for all, as I commit myself to show practical common sense so all have the opportunity to see, and for me to have the opportunity to integrate it as myself, as through writing / speaking it I am supporting myself in becoming it, thus, I commit myself to support myself and others as myself in not accepting anything less than who I am, as becoming and living the example of the principle of which I speak of, a principle of equality and oneness, as bringing about a world that is best for all life
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Sunday, January 13, 2013
this blog follows the previous blog, i invite you to read it as well
I realize that holding on to my opinion in an argument causes inner and external conflict and does not stand within the principle of equality and oneness, as the reason for me to hold on in energy to my opinion is within self interest within the desire to be right, I realize that within holding on to my opinion I am not allowing myself to be open and actually listen to what is being said by others and thus am limiting myself from expanding and learning from others and preventing from myself and the rest in the situation to perfect the solution as a combined effort of all involved, within this I commit myself to, when and as I see myself holding on to my opinion, I stop myself and breathe, I allow myself to listen to what is being said and instead of repeating my opinion within the desire to convince, I rather ask questions to actually genuinely try to understand what others are saying in order to come to an agreement that is actually best for all in common sense and not just to fight for my opinion in self interest
I realize that by not actually saying what I have to say within trying to avoid an argument, I am actually creating miscommunication as I am not allowing myself to be clear and direct due to fear of conflict within the idea that arguments/conflicts are bad, I realize that it's not about arguments being good or bad, it's about who I am within them, and thus, if I fight for my opinion the argument will become a war zone, but if I am here in stability and stating directly what I want to say, and there is disagreement and an argument, then that is fine, as we learn to perfect our communication each in their own process, but until then, argument will be part of allowing one self to express oneself regardless of people disagreeing, as this is a point of standing up, not within energy as the desire to be right, but within self honesty as allowing free self expression. Thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself from expressing myself within fear of conflict and disagreement, I realize the fear is based on being shut down by others but what I have been doing is shutting myself down, and thus, I commit myself to, when and as I see myself stopping myself from expressing myself from fear of conflict / disagreement, I breathe and stop the back chat of fear, I check myself to see that I am not reacting, and allow myself to speak up, as I realize that only by actually physically walking through the fear of conflict will I be able to prove to myself that I am over it and can stand stable and direct myself and not be directed by fear and thus not allow fear dictate who I am within a conversation
I realize that by suppressing myself from actually saying what it is I have to say I am creating unnecessary back chat within me and inner conflict as I keep repeating in my mind what I could have and should have said but didn't, thus I realize that within the principle of prevention as the best cure, it would be most supportive to actually say what I have to say and trust myself to stand in the face of any disagreement if it comes up, within this I see that I fear disagreement as I take it personally, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take disagreement personally within believing that it's not my statement that is rejected but me, I commit myself to support myself through speaking up and if disagreement come up I commit myself to breathe and not allow myself to go into the mind within reaction as back chat, within this, I commit myself to stay silent when and as I see myself going into reaction because I see, realize and understand that speaking from within energetic reaction causes conflict and consequences, so better to sort it out with myself, as to walk the self forgiveness in regards my reaction, and bring up the point if and when I see fit when I trust myself to be clear, and not react in taking it personally if / when a disagreement come up
I realize that by allowing myself to be directed by the fear of conflict I am actually creating conflict in my life, thus, when and as I see myself keeping quiet or manipulating my words within fear of conflict, I commit myself to take a few deep breaths, and push myself to walk through the fear, because I realize that only through pushing myself to walk through the fear within self direction will I build self trust and in time, within the accumulation effect, I will rid myself from the fear of conflict because I have proven to myself that I can stand within it, and thus, I realize that only by walking through the fear in actual physicality will I be able to transcend the point of fear that I have allowed to direct me, and stand in stability and self trust as what is best for all
I realize that other people may be holing on to their opinions within energy, thus, when and as I see myself facing a being that is holding on to their opinion, I make sure I don't participate as not allowing myself to try to convince within wanting to prove my point, thus, when and as I am faced with a being that is holding on to their opinion and is closed off from listening to any common sense, I make sure I am here in stability and breathing, I say what I have to say, but do not engage in an argument as it would be counter productive and only ignite more energy and can become nasty, thus in such situations I remove myself from the argument / discussion as I have nothing to prove and will not allow myself to go into the same state of mind as fighting for my opinion, thus, when and as I see someone else holding on to their opinion, I take it as an opportunity to check myself and make sure I am standing here, in breath, in stability, and can in any moment leave the conversation within going into energy of lose, as that would indicate that I was as well holding onto my desire to be right, and if so, I commit myself to walk the self forgiveness and invite the next situation to correct myself within in the physical, within this, I see the pattern within myself as going into superiority for being the stable one, and for the other to be in reaction, thus, when and as I see myself going into such an experience, I stop myself and breathe, I allow myself to be humble as this being has allowed myself to see another piece of my own puzzle that I might have missed if it wasn't due to their reaction, thus I commit myself to stop any superiority and integrate an expression of gratefulness towards them and towards myself for allowing myself to see the reaction as superiority coming up within me.
I realize this construct of opinion, conflict and arguments has many layers that are intertwined, and I see within me the pattern of becoming overwhelmed within creating ideas that I should have stopped already holding on to opinions before I can speak up, but I realize this is a mind manipulation, I realize that I will speak from energy as holding on to opinions in order to actually speak up and push through the fear of conflict, I realize I will make many mistakes along the way as I realize this is a process, and I will not magically change over night, as I have created myself as all these constructs over many years, and it will take many years for me to repeat the correction over and over until I have integrated it as myself, thus, I commit myself to not allow the mind to distract me from walking this point through presenting all the things I am doing wrong and have not yet transcended, because I realize that I must make these mistakes in order for me to stand up from them and correct myself accordingly - thus, I embrace any mistake I make as a gift of showing me another piece of the puzzle of myself, to piece by piece put myself back together again to become one and equal within and as myself, and through knowing myself, through allowing myself to make many mistakes within this process, I will empower myself and build self trust, self respect, and become self directive, as I realize that only through learning myself in self honesty and correcting myself, mistake after mistake, will I be sure to never again make the same mistake.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I fear conflict and thus do not allow myself to state what I have to say there is self dishonesty within it, as there is a point of self interest within my holding onto my opinion that I have not allowed myself to see, within this I realize that I have been hiding the point of self interest from myself and especially from others, as to seem nice and considerate, and to do so I have allowed myself to manipulate my words to seem like a win-win solution when in fact I have my self interest in mind, thus, when and as I see myself manipulating my world to seem more nice, I stop myself immediately and breathe, I realize I am hiding self interest other wise I would have allowed myself to speak directly, thus I see that going around and about the point I want to say indicates hidden self interest, and due to lack of effective communication causes conflict and friction, within this I commit myself to when and as I see myself going around the point, to stop myself and breathe, to investigate there and then what is the self interest I am hiding, and to allow myself to let it go and align myself with that which is best for all, within this
I realize that I might not be able to let it go there and then without further self investigation as writing and self forgiveness, and thus, in such situations, I commit myself to stop myself and breathe, and to express to the other being what I am really trying to achieve, within this realizing that I am not doing so within the starting point of actually getting it, but rather from a starting point of clearing the air, to be able to continue the conversation as I realize that when I am within energy and speaking to another I am influencing them, and thus am responsible for the reaction within and as them, within this I realize that once I see my self interest, sharing it with the other being, if appropriate, can support them to release the energy that might have been building up, and so we can start a fresh page in communication.
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Friday, January 11, 2013
Today is my birthday.
When I was growing up my birthday was a big event, I would celebrate for a few days, going out with friends, having dinners with family, receiving gifts and attention, having everybody do what I want because it's my birthday - I loved it - well, I loved it but there was always stress related to it - I remember on the day of my birthday I would always have something to cry about, it became a joke that I should celebrate the day before or after because on my actual birthday I would be crying for some reason. Birthday's have been a big thing in my family and a big thing amongst my friends, so the stress was a mixture of expectation as wondering if my friends will prove their love to me on my birthday, and of anxiety as I didn't like big events where I am in the center of attention in the spot light, I prefer being a guest that steels the stage, and not the guest of honor that is expected to be on the stage.
I realize now that the more build up I had created towards my birthday and the bigger the excitement and expectation, the bigger the fall was, not because my friends/family didn’t live up to my expectations, they always did, and even went over board with throwing me surprise parties and extra attention, but the fall came from a point of balancing the energy, as I have been on an energetic high in excitement and expectation, and the higher the high the lower the low to balance it out, as the mind exist within the polarity of high and low energies.
In the past 5 years I realized that birthdays are actually an odd celebration, because it's really just another day, a day that according to a specific calendar represents the day I was born in, but so what? Why are we making this day into something special? How is the fact that I was born so and so years ago on this day, according to a specific calendar, have anything to do with today, with what is going on here in the moment? Why are we allowing this costume of celebrating birthdays to exist when we see all the anxiety people experience around it? Why do we allow this construct of expectation to exist in regards to a day? How have we all been duped into believing there is something special about this day?
So in the past few years I became more cynical about my birthday, believing I have transcended the need to celebrate it, and within that feeling myself as superior to have released myself from the chains that society had tied on me to begin with, I felt superior because most everybody around me was still participating within / as the birthday scam, still believing birthdays are worth celebrating and I experienced myself as beyond it. I was arrogant about it, making jokes to my friends about how this day is non sense.
Today I was faced with the deception of my arrogance. Here on the farm not many people know it's my birthday, so there is no point expecting anything, and in general, since I've been here, I see that birthdays are very low key, almost ignored completely compared to what I was used to. Here, in this environment it's clear, that everything within me in relation to my birthday is my own creation, and not a reaction/response/result to my friends'/family's relationship to birthdays as I have justified to myself back home - since no one here is making a big deal out of it, yet I am having a "birthday experience" - not because those around me are giving it value, but because I am.
What I see is that I am far from being over birthdays - I see is that I desire the attention, I want people to know it's my birthday, I want them to do something about it, I want them to show me how much they care about me through baking me a cake, or making some gesture that I am important to them, I want this day to mean something, I guess I want to prove to myself that I am meaningful / important / special through having people celebrate this day in my honor - back home I got lots of it, so it was easy for me to believe that I was over it, it was easy for me to take it for granted and push it away within believing that I am above it - but here the truth of me is in my face, because I see that I am not over it, I still do want to be fulfilled by others attention to me, and what better day to let this construct shine than a birthday.
Ok, so I see I am still trapped in the construct of birthdays, just as an example - I checked my Facebook page on the hour to see who had sent me a "happy birthday" - of course I was disappointed that not as many people as I expected, or that they didn't say anything personal, or that people that I don't even know greeted me, but many of the ones I do know and wanted to get their attention, didn't… I baked a cake today to have that familiar sense of a birthday as it has always been related to sweets - I am not over birthdays, though I have been sitting on a high chair of arrogance presenting myself as if I am over it, looking down at the common people for still being trapped in the illusion, in the brainwashing, in the social constructs and norms - when in fact I was there with them all, looking down at myself, judging myself for still caring instead of investigating the point in self honesty, and within self honesty correcting myself and my relationship to this day, to make it into a day of support instead of a day of energetic experiences and consumerism. I realize that it's not about birthdays being good or bad, it's about what I make of them, my relationship to them, and of course who I am within them.
What are birthdays actually about in our society? Obviously they are not actually about celebrating one's birth, it is not a celebration of life, but more like a reason for socially accepted self interest, a reason for shopping, emotional manipulation, testing friends, ranking your value, a reason for ignoring everything and everyone and being allowed to only care about yourself and have everybody around you pamper you and do what you want within honoring the birthday code and within the expectation that you will do the same on their birthday.
"Happy birthday" could be a cool statement if it would actually be about the gratefulness of being alive, being happy to have been birthed into this physical reality to be able to be here in breath and alive, and then celebrating ones birthday would actually be honoring life, but it isn't about honoring ourselves as life, and it isn’t about honoring life in general - it's about having an excuse to celebrate, to go out and drink, to purchase gifts as more cloths or gadgets for those of us that have more than enough, and thus, it has become a day of consumerism, where in the current system, consumerism is related to the pursue of happiness idea where we believe that anything that we can afford to buy we deserve, and what we can't afford we desire.
We wish our loved ones a happy birthday, but wouldn't that mean that we require a special day to be happy, doesn't that imply that our days are not happy, that we do not live in fulfillment and thus require this special day to take the time for ourselves and give ourselves a moment to be happy - why can't we be happy everyday? Why do we accept a world where suffering and struggle is the standard, and happiness is a special occasion? And within this we use our birthdays not as a day to remind ourselves that we are alive and are responsible for everything that is here in our reality, not as a day of self direction in walking our process of becoming the life that we are, the life we have been ignoring, and start willing ourselves to become the living expression of life, to be the living expression of what is best for all life, but instead we use this day to ignore ourselves as life that much more within the self interest of the pursue of happiness, we use it to indulge in the positive energetic feelings of being on top of the world, we use it to turn a blind eye to all the atrocities, all the abuse, suffering and pain that is constantly going on in every moment, including on our special day - we ignore it every day, but on our birthday we can ignore life without guilt, because it is socially accepted and expected of us.
Birthday can be a day of self reflection, a day of reevaluating oneself to take a moment to see if we are who we want to be, if we are a living expression that we can stand by in honor and self respect, if we are actually living up to the standard of life, not as the standard of life sold to us by the media as having a better car / house / gadgets / cloths, but actually living as the standard of life, where the standard of life is equality, balance, breath, living in harmony as one organism. Then birthday would not be about having a happy birthday but would be about creating a world where all are able within their basic living circumstances to have happy days, everyday, uor birthday can be the day we commit ourselves to make a change, a change in ourselves to become one and equal to and as life, and a change in our physical reality to support all as self, as life.
Birthday - symbolizes the day of birth, thus life, and a new beginning as a chance to start a new, fresh.
Be earth day - becoming one with the earth as we are all made of the same dust of the earth, be earth day is a day to walk another step towards becoming one with the physical, as all that is here.
Our birthday is a day to birth ourselves as the earth, as life, as the physical, to commit to ourselves as life to walk this process of becoming life, within realizing that until now we have always existed in contradiction of life, as we have existed in self interest and not in the interest of all life as one, where the construct of birthdays in our society are a clear example of how we have been allowing ourselves to exist.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blindly follow the birthday construct as a day that I deserve to have whatever I want, as a day that makes me special, as a day that I am allowed to ignore everything around me and expect to receive all that I desire, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the abusive nature of birthdays as I've known them, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in emotional manipulation in the excuse that it's my birthday, within this I commit myself to changing my starting point towards birthday, to change my relationship towards birthday, I commit myself to let go of the emotional attachment I have had towards my birthday, I commit myself to stop the emotional manipulation I have allowed myself to participate within, on my birthday, I commit myself to open this construct up and forgive myself as who I have allowed myself to be in ignorance as ignoring what is here as life.
i commit myself to use my birthday as a platform of self support, to investigate and see where i am still attached to the social constructs that do not serve me as life, as they do not serve all equally, and to change myself and correct myself accordingly.
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
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Wednesday, January 2, 2013
This is a continuation from my previous blogs:
Day 129 – Self Judgment – Part 1
Day 130 - Self judgment - Part 2 – Appearance
Day 131 - Self judgment - Part 3 – Appearance - Part 2
and for those that are interested in further self support in regards to self image please visit this blog, as it is walked through is specificity, self honesty, and self support: http://malingunilla.blogspot.com
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in self rejection/hatred due to not living up to the ideal image I have created in my mind, and thus allow myself to abuse myself through self rejection/hatred due to not looking like an image, not realizing that within doing so I am diminishing myself as a living multidimensional being into a one dimensional image, and within diminishing myself to a one dimensional image judge myself as not looking like the image in my mind, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am not an image, and I am not defined by the way I look but rather by who I am within myself, within my application, within who I am in my relationship to myself as my physical body, and not what my physical body looks like, thus if I accept and allow myself to judge myself for my appearance, that is who I am, equal to my acceptance and allowance as self judgment, as separation of myself as my physical body - thus, I realize it's not about changing my appearance, but rather changing my relationship to and as myself, to become the living expression of self acceptance, of self love, of self honor and self respect, to become one and equal to and as my physical body
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore my physical body as a living being, as the chamber that allows me life within the obsession of my appearance, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be grateful and honor my physical body unconditionally as the chamber in which I live in, as what allows me my physical existence in the physical, and instead I have only judged it within my desire to look a certain way and my physical body not molding itself into my desire, within this I realize that my physical body is real, here as the physical, where as my desire to look a certain way is based on the mind as an illusion, as the acceptance of a beaut ideal that has not passed the test of time, as it changes in each generation, in every new trend and fashion, thus, I realize that my body not molding itself into my desire has given me the opportunity to see my desire for what it is, to realize that I have been existing in my mind as the obsession as self judgment towards my appearance, as creating inner conflict and friction in my life, and within seeing this through the support of my physical body as not following my desire I can now change myself within taking self responsibility for who I am, and stopping myself as the mind, as the illusions my desires have been following.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within believing I should look like the image in my mind, I have validated and supported and justified through my acceptance and allowance the existence eating disorders which are actually a reflection of myself as I do not accept myself within and as my physical body, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my self judgment within the fact that I do not have an eating disorder because I have never crossed that line, but I haven't realized that I am participating in the same construct as I do not allow myself to accept myself as the physical body I exist within as do beings with an actual extensive eating disorder, thus, by participating in self judgment towards my physical appearance I am in fact participating in and validating eating disorders.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see my physical body through the eyes but through the mind, as the eyes see without judgment while the mind interprets and places judgment within self interest as a way to blind self from actually seeing through the eyes the physical reality which is here, as the mind act in self interest in disregard of the physical body and the physical existence as a whole and thus exists as self judgment to create inner friction and conflict to generate energy consumed from the physical, though this is hidden behind the accepted blinding effect of the mind, as placing the attention on the illusion as appearance instead of reality as what is really going on here on earth, as I have been spending my time caring about my appearance while ignoring the actual atrocities as abuse and suffering that is happening all around me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disease not within concern to my body's functionality, comfort and well being but within concern to my appearance, how will I look like if I have this or that condition, thus having it all in reverse asi have been ignoring what really matters as matter, as the function of the physical, as the condition of the earth while giving all my attention to myself in self interest within the desire to look in a specific way , I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disease from a starting point of fear of judgment due to the consequence of the disease as a change in my appearance while ignoring myself within and as the physical body, as the discomfort, pain, suffering, weakness and within this ignoring all the pain and suffering that exist in the world, within this dismissing the opportunity to heal myself and existence as a whole because I have accepted and allowed myself to put all my attention on what I will look like and what people will think of me as a construct of the mind and not on reality as the physical, not through judging it but through practically considering what is best for all life, including my physical body, and acting on it within self honesty and common sense.
I commit myself to stop my participation with judgment of appearance towards myself and towards others, I commit myself, when and as I see myself going into self judgment or judgment towards others, to stop and breathe, to come back to myself as the physical within and as breath and stop my participation within and as the mind, I commit myself to use the self judgment as an opportunity to return to myself within and as breath, thus, when I see myself in a moment of self judgment, I stop and breathe, I stop the thoughts, I stop the back chat, I return here to and as the physical as myself, and I do this time and time again until self judgment is not directing me as my experience of myself, within this I commit myself to write down to myself the specific back chat and specific self judgment that come up, and to walk a process of self forgiveness in self honesty, within realizing that I am harming myself as the physical body while participating in self judgment, and in that allowing harm and abuse of the physical in all it's dimensions and levels, thus I realize that any change must start with self, and thus I commit myself to through walking the process of writing, self forgiveness and self correction in practicality to be a living example that self judgment can be stopped
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
This blog is a follow up from my previous blog:
Day 123 - Physics and the Desteni Process - From Overwhelmingness to Normal
in relation to the blog series “physics and the Desteni Process”
I’m taking a brake from the physics series from perspective that, for a moment, I won’t be writing about a new point in the field of physics, but instead I will walk through the point of my process within writing this series, within realizing that the process of walking the physics series is a point of expanding myself as self expression, and thus is obviously not separated from myself as the process of walking myself into clarity, self responsibility and self defectiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience a resistance towards this project as writing this physics series once I realized I would have to actually investigate and do some leg work in order to be clear and accurate with the points I am opening up, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience a sense of regret within self judgment for not actually integrating the material when I was studying it and as consequence, now, I have to do the work again, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relive the experience I had through out my degree as of not being smart enough to be able to understand and interpret physics, and thus, now, when I realized I don't remember all the material in specificity and thus would have to re-learn all of it, I panicked, within allowing myself to go back into the experience of inferiority I had through out my degree, all this instead of realizing that I am walking this point for myself, as I am educating myself about the world I exist in, in order to become more effective within my daily application, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take this as an opportunity to brake the self create idea that I am inferior to physics and within walking the step by step process of learning what has been said and within applying critical reasoning to empower myself through allowing myself to express my perspective and insight within the starting point of expanding myself, as I take the physics into practical supportive application to find clarity and .
Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and believe myself to be the "lazy" character, and thus when I realized how much work there is to do I panicked, within believing myself to be lazy, within allowing myself to base my self-definition on past experiences and memories, and thus, due to never having done anything like this before, due to never before applying myself within self direction and consistency, I have allowed myself to believe I am not able to do so, instead of looking a the point in self honesty to commit to understanding it so I will be sure to never allow it to direct me again, investigating why I have never before allowed myself to excel, to push myself into consistent and effective application - I realize that instead of going into a panic within an experience of overwhelmingness, the common sense thing to do would be to see how I can improve, how I can learn to become effective, to stop the fear of failure because it only exists in my head and is limiting me as I believe it to be valid and justified based past experiences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as lazy within self interest as it has always been more convenient to believe myself to be incompetent than to stand and take self responsibility and actually apply myself as the directive principle as what is best for all, within this i commit myself to walk a process of self change, within realizing that the only way to build self trust is to allow myself to stand up and take self responsibility, within realizing that only through taking self responsibility will i expand and allow myself to become a being that I myself trust and respect as a being that is self directive and self committed to self transformation through self application. Within this, I commit myself to stop myself as self interest, as when i see myself falling into laziness within the justification of self definition, I stop myself and breathe, I correct myself in the moment to push myself to do that which needs to be done, within considering myself in my process and not allowing myself to be directed by the mind as justification and self definition within realizing that it is limiting and restricting me from being all that I can be
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself within believing myself to be lazy and incapable of directing myself into self commitments, to not allow myself to learn how and thus allowing myself to exist as self limitation instead of allowing myself to change myself as self directive to become that which I have never considered I could be as effective, self directive, consistent - thus I commit myself to investigate why I have not allowed myself to be effective, self directive and consistent within finding the points of self interest that I have been holding on to as convenience ,and within this I commit myself to find and apply practicable tools as writing, self forgiveness, self corrective statements and breathing, to assist and support myself to become effective, self directive and consistent - and thus to establish self trust, self respect and self value.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to panic within the expectation that each day I will be ready to write a sufficient blog about a complete point in physics, within realizing that I must investigate the points and become clear about them due to having forgotten the specifics of the material, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not remembering all the material in specificity and thus exist in the past within regret, not realizing that by participating in self judgment as regret I am making the process harder on myself as instead of being here and walking the point within breath I have allowed myself to be in my mind as self judgment and thus not give myself the chance to be effectively here as breath, one and equal to the point that is here, within this, i commit myself to learn from the past and not judge myself because of it, and thus to make sure that my starting point is clear within everything id and if i decide to do something I commit myself to it in order to not repeat the mistake of doing something half way and then judging myself for not integrating it as myself, within this I realize that the only way to walk this point is to walk at my own pace, to slow myself down and walk the points as they open up and walk them within the starting point of self, of investigating and exploring the points for self expansion, and then share what I have found and realized for others to see, learn and expand as well.
I commit myself to walk every point within the starting point as self, and thus see, realize and understand why I am doing what I am doing, within this i commit myself to if deciding to walk a point, to dedicate myself to the point as myself and investigate within self honesty, within self trust that step by step, walking within breath, i will slowly but surely reveal the point to myself as myself, and open it up as self realization as i get to know myself through seeing my relationship with every point i walk, and thus expand, one point at a time.
I commit myself to establish self trust through allowing myself to support myself through writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective statements, to let go the self diminishment that has been the excuse to not stand up and take self responsibility, and within this I commit myself to use this point of the physics series of blogs to prove to myself that I can be consistent and effective and that within realizing this is a process, and I am learning myself as I'm walking, to give myself time without self judgment, and walk this point as self expression, into self gratification within knowing that I am walking and will keep on walking until I stand stable within and as myself
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Monday, December 10, 2012
The following blog is a continuation of my previous writings, please read them for further context if you haven’t already :
Day 110 - Avoiding Work
Day 111 – Self interest can never be “right”
Day 112 - Avoiding work –Part 3 - Self Forgiveness
Day 113 – Enjoying Work
Day 114 - Avoiding work –Part 5 - blame and manipulation - Self Forgiveness
Within taking the responsibility to do something, one must realize all aspects of the task - what I find tends to happen to me, is that I will take on a responsibility, it can be as simple as making a cake as I did the other day, and will not take into consideration all parts of the task from beginning to end. What I find is that I will exhibit a form of "selective memory syndrome" where, when it comes to ending the task, which includes cleaning the mess I've made while making the cake, and cleaning up the cake tray once it's done, I will go into resistance and "forget" that this is actually a integral part of making the cake - within completing the totality of the task.
What I see is that this has to do with accepting the task within a starting point of energy, as an excitement towards making the cake or the specific task at hand, while not actually considering within practicality all the stages necessary to be done - so I will find myself "slaving in the kitchen" to make the cake (even if the cake/task is an easy/simple one) - then once the main part of the task is over, as all the people have eaten the cake, the energetic high will have passed, and there will be no energetic motivation within me to complete the task.
In cases like this what I experience at this point is an expectation that somebody else will do it for me, within a justification of "but I've made it, shouldn't someone else clean it" - well, I have used such an argument many times before, while not allowing myself to see/realize that if I took on myself the responsibility I cannot expect and impose any part of it on anyone else unless it has been agreed upon to begin with.
I see here two main points, the first is going to the task within energy and thus overlooking in practicality what it entails, and then when the "fun part" part is over there is no more energy left to motivate me to move and complete the task, and then I become sluggish and resist doing it, this brings me to the other point, that exists within/as the debt system, where I do not do the task unconditionally but am expecting to get something in return, wither gratitude or in this case, when comes to the parts I don't enjoy, like the end part of cleaning, I turn to the back chat of "they owe me" because I made the cake so someone else must clean after me - "it's only fair…"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do tasks from a starting point of energy instead of making a self directive decision within considering the point in it's entity and not be directed by energy within the expectation for an experience as reward, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to direct myself to do tasks within the principle of what is best for all and instead have been doing everything from a starting point of self interest as the desire to be rewarded within an energetic experience for doing the task, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not actually chose/decide to do the task itself, but rather chose/decide to do the task in order to get the energetic rush I have associated with it, and thus have not allowed myself to direct myself but have allowed myself to be a puppet of energy, allowing myself to follow the positive energy feeling regardless of what the task is, kind of like being an energy whore… within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the task I am doing within both not considering all it's parts/aspects and secondly not allowing myself to actually be one with the task, but instead live in separation from the task as myself, and do it from a starting point of separation as getting an external energy as motivation and reward to do it
When and as I am doing a task or am about to do a task, I realign my starting point to make sure I am not doing it from a starting point of self interest as to get any reward as an energetic experience out of it, but rather do it to do it, unconditionally, for free, for the practicality of it being done and for the experience within doing it and while doing not, not as a reward that come later that will then define my success/failure of the task, but as a self expression that is done in the moment and then it is done with
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within my privet self interest of individuality when I don't consider anything and anyone while present myself as if I do, while everything I do is based in the desire to serve my own interests such as getting an energetic rush for doing something "for others" within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize myself as life, as one and equal to all that is here, and within that to realize that acting from self interest is separating myself from the life within is myself, and thus creating in my life and the world as a whole conflict and friction within living as a "split personality" as the manifestation of separation of self derived from acting from a starting point of self interest, instead of including all life in all my decisions, and walking a path that is best for all and supports all life, and thus in every decision I make, I commit myself to stop and breathe, to investigate the starting point as myself and to correct/align myself as my starting point to that which I best for all within realizing that only that which is best for all is actually best for me as well, thus, when I do a task I realign my starting point to not allow myself to direct myself within/as energy, and within that I slow myself down, I consider all aspects of the task and will myself to complete them all as part of the responsibility I have taken, within building self respect as standing by my decision to do something and do it in completion
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do things within a starting point of a debt system where I calculate my actions in relations to what I perceive others are doing, and judge and expect and demand that others pay up their debt that I have created within my mind, with no communication and agreement whatsoever, simply taking for granted that my set of values will be accepted by all and that my self interest will be accepted by all, and within this have not allowed myself to communicate and design a stable relationship with those around me, but simply doing things and then build up expectation that cause friction and conflict in all our worlds, instead of stopping myself within breath, and making sure that any thing I do I do unconditionally, and not expect any thing in return - I realize that if I detect any form of expectation to get anything in return for doing something, I know I have been acting from self interest and thus I commit myself to stop my back chat, and breathe until I have directed and grounded the expectation and can walk stable and do what needs to be done, without expecting anything in return, and within this allow myself to simply walk the task, as myself, to completion, to honor the task as myself as life as a whole and walk all practical physical steps that must be walked
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Sunday, December 9, 2012
The following blog is a continuation of my previous writings, please read them for further context if you haven’t already :
Day 110 - Avoiding Work
Day 111 – Self interest can never be “right”
Day 112 - Avoiding work –Part 3 - Self Forgiveness
Day 113 – Enjoying Work
I realize I have been blaming/judging others for believing they are trying to avoid work, not realizing I am projecting myself onto them and thus distracting myself from my own acceptance and participation within avoiding work, while believing myself to be good and self righteous while judging others for being bad and manipulative, within this I realize my experience has been directed through the constant anticipation of being manipulated, within expecting others to be as manipulative as me, instead of stopping myself within manipulation and standing up within breath and simply allow myself and push myself to do what needs to be done, and not distract me from myself through judging/blaming others for what I perceive them to be doing, within the neurotic idea that they are plotting against meI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in manipulation within hiding my self interest to avoid working, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself onto others within the expectation of them doing the same, and thus to blame them for trying to avoid work instead of being self honest with myself and changing myself within my starting point of believing work should be avoided, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame/judge others for that which I still participate within, and thus I commit myself to align myself with the principle of equality within give as you would like to receive and thus if I want to live in a world where people don't manipulate each other to avoid working - it must start with self first, and thus it must start with self change, and thus I commit myself to change my starting point towards work and within that I commit myself to stop myself form manipulating other for my own self interest, and only once I have changed myself I can look at others from a starting point of supporting them to see what they are participating within - but I realize I must be clear within and as myself first and stand as self trust to be sure that I am not participating within avoidance and manipulation, thus, when and as I see myself going into avoidance and manipulation in regards to work, I stop myself and breathe, I stop the back chat and bring myself back here to/as breath and walk the practical steps to get the job done, within this I commit myself to deliberately place myself in positions where normally I would want to avoid as to be able to brake the pattern and prove to myself that I am my self directive principle and that I am not limited / restricted / directed by the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within the belief that work must be avoided, to have allowed myself to manipulate and deceive those around me as I try to get out of doing work, and within that expect others to do the same as me as I project myself onto them, and thus exist within an anticipation as an alert state as if waiting to be conned/manipulated
I realize that when I judge others for being manipulative I am actually showing myself that such manipulation still exist within me, and thus I stop myself within and as breath and turn it back to myself, within allowing myself to see in the moment where I am not being self honest and actually am manipulating the situation to suit my hidden self interest
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a constant state of anticipation, as waiting to be conned / manipulated and thus communicate to others from a starting point of self defense as I defend my self interest while I am sure the other is acting from within their own self interest and thus I create a war/competition between us, as the battle of the ego, while existing within self righteousness and believing that I am innocent and they are the manipulative ones, thus I commit myself to when I experience myself in the state of anticipation towards someone manipulating me, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to the practical physical reality and check my starting point to find where I am acting within self interest, and within this I commit myself to change my starting point and align it with what is best for all within the situation, and if I cannot find the point of self interest I commit myself to let go the point and not fight for it, because I realize it's become an ego battle, and all that will come out of it is friction and conflict, thus I take self responsibility and do not allow myself to participate and create more energy through friction and conflict and thus I stop myself in the moment from proceeding within the conversation / argument /situation
I realize that as long as I participate within self interest I will always create and exist within conflict and friction within myself and my relationships with others, because within self interest there will always be conflict of interest, within this I realize that by pushing through the self interest and not allowing myself to participate within it, and thus not allowing myself to manipulate to get my way, I will be able to establish effective communication with others and actually come to solutions that serve all as equals, thus serve me and them, as a shared interest within this shared earth on which we live on. Thus I commit myself to when I see myself participating in self interest, to stop myself within breath and to bring myself back here to the physical and equal reality, where we are all equal as life, and thus no ones interest is more important to be fulfilled than another, but rather the interest of life, as all as equal, is the only interest that is valid to peruse, and thus I commit myself to changing my starting point, time and time again, until living as what is best for all is my "nature" where I have built self trust and have let go of all the self interest which are based on personality as ego, and allow myself to be one and equal to all the is life
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Saturday, December 8, 2012
The following blog is a continuation of my previous writings, please read them for further context if you haven’t already :
Day 110 - Avoiding Work
Day 111 – Self interest can never be “right”
Day 112 - Avoiding work –Part 3 - Self Forgiveness
I realize I have put a value on enjoying what I do and thus have allowed myself to be directed by my preferences, thus not considering what is best for all but only existing within self interest as what makes me feel good to be doing, within this I realize that what I believe I enjoy is based on the mind as a value system, where I believe some things are more enjoyable than others, when I haven't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am here in every breath, and whatever I do doesn't change that, thus, it doesn't matter what I am doing as long as I am here as/within breath, where the only preference should be to apply myself as what is best for all, as the preference of all, and not base what I do on my own self interest - I realize nothing will even change in my reality, as my inner and outer experience, if I keep allowing myself to exist within my self interest preferences, instead of standing up for all life and living as what is best for all life in every breath, within that doing whatever is necessary, starting with stopping myself form being directed by the mind and instead directing myself as life, as breath, as what is best for all life in equality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place more value on enjoying myself than on what practically needs to be done regardless of my enjoinment within doing so, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some tasks are more enjoyable than others and thus exist within a self created limitation that restricts me from participating and taking responsibility within what I realize needs to be done if I have defined such a task as unenjoyably, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define some tasks as more enjoyable than others and through living out this definition I have created a situation where when I participate in specific tasks I believe I will not enjoy myself and then to prove myself right I, within my participation within/as the mind, actually believe I am not enjoying myself, not realizing that I am existing in a polarity created by the mind to keep me enslaved to the ideas/definitions and not allow myself to be free to simply do what needs to be done without attaching any energy to it and without expecting to get any energy out of it within self interest, simply doing within breath what needs to be done
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that within the expectation to enjoy myself within the tasks that I do I am actually self sabotaging myself, instead of supporting myself as life and breathing through everything that I do, and walking the physical one breath at a time, and not allowing myself to go into my mind in the thirst/expectation/addiction to energy, but allow myself to be here, within/as the physical, and support myself as the physical in walking the process of stopping my participation/addiction to/as the mind, and bringing myself back here, to myself, as the physical, as life, within/as breath
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe as I work and thus to exist in my mind as back chat / judgment, thus separating myself from what I am doing, and not allowing myself to actually do anything fully because I have always allowed myself to be only partly here, and the other part of me, in separation of myself has always been in the mind as interpreting what I do within judgment / expectations / beliefs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my preferences and not allow myself to direct myself as life here as what is best for all in equality and oneness within the realization that all is one and thus equal, and any participation in my own self interest preferences is of separation within the belief that my preferences have more value than the preference of all life as bringing about a change in this world, a change that starts with changing myself, a change that honors all life, as I honor myself as life, and as life honor all as equal as life as myself - thus I realize that within self honesty, my highest preference is to honor all life and thus is the preference of all - within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as self interest and not consider all life and thus participating and being an active part in the problem of this world, instead of standing within/as equality and being a part of the solution to bring about a world that it's only preference is what is best for all life
I realize that I have been living within an idea that I must enjoy what I do, thus placing value as judgment on the task, and as a result allowing myself to be directed by personal preference instead of being self directed and living the principle of equality and oneness, as what is best for all - I realize personal preferences are a distraction from what actually matters, which isn't to satisfy my privet wants/needs/desires, but to satisfy all as one and equal in creating a world that supports all life equally - within this I realize that the task to do so may not be enjoyable, and I must let go of the desire/expectation to enjoy what I do in order to be able to be free to actually get the job done - within this I realize that enjoying myself is either an energetic experience and then is of the mind and is based on values/ideas/beliefs/memories or it can be a self expression as life, and then it would be aligned with equality and oneness as what is best for all life - thus if I see myself not enjoying myself I know I am trapped in self interest / back chat / the mind, and not allowing myself to be here in breath and practically do what needs to be done, step by step by step, to bring about a change, firstly in myself, and then in the world as myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that living by preference is limiting, and that it would be much more beneficial and self supportive to be able to work from a clear starting point as a self directive decision to do the task or take the responsibility and not be influenced by the desire to get energy out of it as an experience of enjoyment, but to be clear, here and stable and simply work / do / live / breathe - and thus to not define myself by/as the work I do but rather who I am within it, and in doing so allow myself to be here, as self expression, through breathing, in any activity/task I do
I commit myself to myself as life, I commit myself to breathing within everything I do,I commit myself to slow myself down so that I can walk within/as breath, I commit myself to stopping the back chat of judgment towards activities I believe to be not enjoyable and instead breathe and apply myself within the physical reality, I commit myself to, when I am not enjoying myself, to stop and breathe, to see that I am participating in the mind as judging what it is that I'm doing, and to stop myself within breath, to bring myself back here, and to start over within a fresh starting point of simply doing what needs to be done unconditionally without expecting any energy of enjoinment in return
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Day 110 - Avoiding Work
Day 111 – Self interest can never be “right”
Day 112 - Avoiding work –Part 3 - Self Forgiveness
I realize I have put a value on enjoying what I do and thus have allowed myself to be directed by my preferences, thus not considering what is best for all but only existing within self interest as what makes me feel good to be doing, within this I realize that what I believe I enjoy is based on the mind as a value system, where I believe some things are more enjoyable than others, when I haven't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am here in every breath, and whatever I do doesn't change that, thus, it doesn't matter what I am doing as long as I am here as/within breath, where the only preference should be to apply myself as what is best for all, as the preference of all, and not base what I do on my own self interest - I realize nothing will even change in my reality, as my inner and outer experience, if I keep allowing myself to exist within my self interest preferences, instead of standing up for all life and living as what is best for all life in every breath, within that doing whatever is necessary, starting with stopping myself form being directed by the mind and instead directing myself as life, as breath, as what is best for all life in equality.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place more value on enjoying myself than on what practically needs to be done regardless of my enjoinment within doing so, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some tasks are more enjoyable than others and thus exist within a self created limitation that restricts me from participating and taking responsibility within what I realize needs to be done if I have defined such a task as unenjoyably, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define some tasks as more enjoyable than others and through living out this definition I have created a situation where when I participate in specific tasks I believe I will not enjoy myself and then to prove myself right I, within my participation within/as the mind, actually believe I am not enjoying myself, not realizing that I am existing in a polarity created by the mind to keep me enslaved to the ideas/definitions and not allow myself to be free to simply do what needs to be done without attaching any energy to it and without expecting to get any energy out of it within self interest, simply doing within breath what needs to be done
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that within the expectation to enjoy myself within the tasks that I do I am actually self sabotaging myself, instead of supporting myself as life and breathing through everything that I do, and walking the physical one breath at a time, and not allowing myself to go into my mind in the thirst/expectation/addiction to energy, but allow myself to be here, within/as the physical, and support myself as the physical in walking the process of stopping my participation/addiction to/as the mind, and bringing myself back here, to myself, as the physical, as life, within/as breath
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe as I work and thus to exist in my mind as back chat / judgment, thus separating myself from what I am doing, and not allowing myself to actually do anything fully because I have always allowed myself to be only partly here, and the other part of me, in separation of myself has always been in the mind as interpreting what I do within judgment / expectations / beliefs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my preferences and not allow myself to direct myself as life here as what is best for all in equality and oneness within the realization that all is one and thus equal, and any participation in my own self interest preferences is of separation within the belief that my preferences have more value than the preference of all life as bringing about a change in this world, a change that starts with changing myself, a change that honors all life, as I honor myself as life, and as life honor all as equal as life as myself - thus I realize that within self honesty, my highest preference is to honor all life and thus is the preference of all - within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as self interest and not consider all life and thus participating and being an active part in the problem of this world, instead of standing within/as equality and being a part of the solution to bring about a world that it's only preference is what is best for all life
I realize that I have been living within an idea that I must enjoy what I do, thus placing value as judgment on the task, and as a result allowing myself to be directed by personal preference instead of being self directed and living the principle of equality and oneness, as what is best for all - I realize personal preferences are a distraction from what actually matters, which isn't to satisfy my privet wants/needs/desires, but to satisfy all as one and equal in creating a world that supports all life equally - within this I realize that the task to do so may not be enjoyable, and I must let go of the desire/expectation to enjoy what I do in order to be able to be free to actually get the job done - within this I realize that enjoying myself is either an energetic experience and then is of the mind and is based on values/ideas/beliefs/memories or it can be a self expression as life, and then it would be aligned with equality and oneness as what is best for all life - thus if I see myself not enjoying myself I know I am trapped in self interest / back chat / the mind, and not allowing myself to be here in breath and practically do what needs to be done, step by step by step, to bring about a change, firstly in myself, and then in the world as myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that living by preference is limiting, and that it would be much more beneficial and self supportive to be able to work from a clear starting point as a self directive decision to do the task or take the responsibility and not be influenced by the desire to get energy out of it as an experience of enjoyment, but to be clear, here and stable and simply work / do / live / breathe - and thus to not define myself by/as the work I do but rather who I am within it, and in doing so allow myself to be here, as self expression, through breathing, in any activity/task I do
I commit myself to myself as life, I commit myself to breathing within everything I do,I commit myself to slow myself down so that I can walk within/as breath, I commit myself to stopping the back chat of judgment towards activities I believe to be not enjoyable and instead breathe and apply myself within the physical reality, I commit myself to, when I am not enjoying myself, to stop and breathe, to see that I am participating in the mind as judging what it is that I'm doing, and to stop myself within breath, to bring myself back here, and to start over within a fresh starting point of simply doing what needs to be done unconditionally without expecting any energy of enjoinment in return
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