Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play

this is continuing my previous blog

Day 143 – Inadequacy

Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast

 

As a child I used to play games with my older sister, there are two specific games I remember playing with her, one was "5 rocks" where we need to pick up rocks while balancing other rocks and not dropping them, and the other was a card game called "speed" where we need to move really fast and get rid of our cards. in both, she would always win. In "5 rocks" there were two levels of playing, she would play the advanced level and I would play the lower one, I always wanted to be able to play like her, like the big kids, I saw myself as inferior for playing at the lower level, but I wouldn't dare to try because I would have lost for sure - not giving myself the chance to even try, to practice, to improve, and looking at it now I realize I could have taken the time to practice and then play with her, but I never did, I only cared about the game when we played it, and when we didn't I didn't think about it and thus didn't practice. When we played "speed", she was always faster than me, and in each round as I lost repeatedly I became slower and slower - I was taking losing personally and integrating it as myself, believing it to define me and as such my game deteriorated in each turn.

I have always admired her and looked up to her through out our growing up, everything we did, she did better - though, I never saw it as a point of motivation, as a point of realizing that I can improve and equalize myself to her, I always saw her as better than me, as a fact of life, and saw myself as less than her, inferior, inadequate. I always wanted to be as good as I believed her to be, but never actually dared to compete with her, as I accepted myself as less than her and wasn't willing to challenge that self belief - so I would sabotage myself, compromise myself, not allow myself to excel, to perfect myself as within a requirement to remain less than her for ever, as that was my place. Through out our life there were periods of time where I was better off than her, I was thinner, or had a boy friend, or was stable - in those times I experienced guilt, as if I was out of place, out of character, because I believed I was supposed to be the inferior one, and thus projected it onto her and actually blaming her, as I believed that she thinks / believes she must be the superior one - I saw myself as I was deliberately taking the second place, and letting her be better than me in everything because I believed that couldn't take that a way from her, this is what we both knew ourselves to be - I existed within the belief that if I were to be more successful than her in any way it would compromise our relationship that was based on my looking up to her and believing myself to be inadequate.

At times I believed that I have taken the lesser place because I was protecting her, seeing her as fragile, as if she couldn't handle it if I were to pass her and be more than her in anything - I didn't realize that the competition and comparison were a fiction of my imagination, created by myself in my mind, I didn't realize that we are not actually defined in relation / comparison to each other and that any comparison is futile and doesn't stand as reality, I didn't realize that my belief that she will not be able to handle being less than me was actually showing me my reaction towards believing myself to be less than her, but at the same time showing me that I fear not being less than her, as this is what I knew myself as, and projected onto her for it to make sense to me - because it makes more sense that I am remaining inferior to protect her rather than as a deliberate choice I have been making each day throughout my life - I mean, I didn't like the experience of being inferior / inadequate, it is not a preferred experience, yet I held onto it, justified it and wouldn't let it go, and apparently, I have been holding on to it ever since, defining myself as inferior in many of my other relationships, reliving / recreating the relationship I have created with my sister over and over again.

I will continue with self forgiveness tomorrow

 

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Day 89 - Fear dimension - Authority - Part 10

This blog is continuing from the previous blog:

Day 79 - The lowest point

Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension  - Mistakes – Part 1

Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2

Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3

Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4

Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5

Day 85 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 6

Day 86 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 7 - Self Forgiveness

Day 87 - Fear Dimension - Inferiority - Part 8

Day 88 - Fear dimension - Part 9 - self commitment

Within investigating the character of "I don't like being corrected / told what to do", within opening up the fear dimension of this character, the three statements of fear below are all related to my fear of authority.

1. I fear authority / I fear confronting authority
2. I fear being yelled at or upset with or punished
3. I fear being someone's slave, as in being in a position of having to do what another tells me to do

There is a specific memory that comes up within me every time I look at the point of fear of authority. I was in the 10th grade, and while in class was talking to a class mate, at one point the teacher, that was disturb by our chatting, turned to us and shouted at me to shut up - I was shocked, insulted, and angry, "how dare he speak to me like that?". During the remaining of the lesson I sat very quietly and very spitefully, reliving him shouting at me in my mind, blaming him for addressing only me while we were both chatting with each other, blaming him for shouting at me to shut up, thinking to myself as back chat "that is so rude, a teacher shouldn’t speak in such a way to a pupil", basically compounding and energizing the reaction within me.

After the lesson was over I came up to him, I told him I want to talk to him when he is free after the other pupils have left and then I went at it, I told him assertively that it's unacceptable to speak like that to a pupil especially in front of the entire class, he was rather calm, expressed that its unacceptable that speak during class, but he then apologized and agreed with me that he shouldn't have reacted in such a way, but, because I had build up all this energy within myself I was so overwhelmed by the energy and my eyes were tearing as I was telling him how badly he behaved - so I'm standing there, assertive one the one hand but with tears in my eyes, on the other. When he saw my eyes water he commented on it, and within anger I told him to ignore it, it was irrelevant and made me feel like he is now feeling sorry for me, I didn't intend to cry, I wanted to be strong and direct as I scold him.

The conversation went on just for a few moments, looking at it now I see that he agreed with me and was apologetic, but the memory I was left with created the self belief within myself that I am intimidated/afraid/threatened by authority because of the experience of overwhelmingness that caused me to tear up.

Now that I am revisiting the memory, I see that I actually stood up to him in spite of him being an authority, showing something else that the memory and the self definition created by it doesn't represent, but because I cried and saw it as a weakness I've turned the entire scenario in my mind into a self belief that I fear authority, and have lived that fear ever since. I experience it as I fear approaching authority, fear talking to them, fear getting in trouble with them - I basically want to be invisible from the eye of the authority.

A point within the experience of being intimidated/threatened by authority is that I fear seaming weak in front of authority, as playing a power game, not realizing that by playing the power game I am in fact accepting them as my authority, because if I didn't see them as authority/superior and if that wouldn't activate the competition within me there wouldn't be any ground to play the power game, so I participate in playing this power game, that I have created in my mind, instead of stopping the game all together and realizing equality, as two equal human being.

Looking at it from adult eyes, it's easier to see that we are actually equal, and still I experience myself within the fear of authority, but as children, man, children are constantly and continuously suppressed into believing in the construct of authority, so no wonder that as adults it is so imbedded within and as us, as our very beingness, as an accepted part of reality.

In the system as we know it, we are faced with authority as an integral part of the system, as children it starts with our parents and continues to other adult figures as teachers / principles/neighbors - children are basically submitted to accept the authority of anyone that is older than them, and as we grow older we accept authority as our boss, professors, doctors, the police, and government officials.
It's an interesting thing though, because, as we accept these figures as authority we accept them as superior and powerful, as if they have power over us, and thus there exists fear - not realizing that we have given them power over us through our acceptance of the construct of authority within the acceptance of the current system, as it exists today - so we are in fact creating and then giving power to our own fear of authority, through creating authority within our acceptance. Fear of authority is accepted and promoted through the very system we live within/as, it is part of how we have created the system, just as we have created the family construct, where the point of authority is a point of inequality and based on inflicting fear and terror to gain control.

It is rather odd that we accept certain figures in our lives to be an authority over us, when in fact they are simply holding on to a specific job and have specific responsibilities - we accept the hierarchy of authority instead of creating a society that is based on equality, as suggested by the Equal Money System, where no one has power over any one else, where no one threatens or intimidates any one else merely based on their placement in the system, or their role/responsibility in society - we can each have different responsibilities and take part in different aspect of society, some of us can be managers from perspective of being in charge and responsible of a bigger part of the system, while others are responsible for a small part, but we can do this without having to resort to being bullied/threatened/intimidated by authority, and instead exist as equals, as different organs in one body, that each have a specific role and all work together, equally valuable as different parts of the one system/earth/existence, that we share.

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Day 87 - Fear Dimension - Inferiority - Part 8

This blog is continuing from the previous blog:

Day 79 - The lowest point

Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension  - Mistakes – Part 1

Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2

Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3

Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4

Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5

Day 85 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 6

Day 86 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 7 - Self Forgiveness

Within the character of "I don't like being corrected / told what to do, within investigating the fear dimensions, I am faced with the fear of others thinking they are more than me, within this I see myself going into their minds trying to interpret what they think of me, and specifically within being corrected, I fear the idea of others thinking within themselves that they are better/more/superior than me.

The experience isn't about me believing I am less than them, although I realize that it is the core/source of the issue, but the point here is me reacting to the thought / interpretation of others thinking they are more / better than me - when I perceive other are thinking they are more than me I react in anger/aggravation, I judge them for thinking it, "how dare they", "they are such arrogant, over confident, snobs" "who do they think they are, they think they are better than me? fuck them".

All this going on in self created alternate reality of my mind, the trigger could be being corrected or being told what to do, but obviously other situations may trigger this character as well. within accepting and participating within this construct, of fear of being seen as less than others, i have been allowing myself to react in complete separation – separation from myself, the other and the situation as the physical reality, as I go into my mind, and ignore what is actually here, ignore the simplistically of allowing myself to be here as breath, equal and one, and move within/as myself as the physical body, within this physical reality and to communicate directly and not communicate  as inner conversations with my own ego as the mind within/as my mind.

So, this is actually very similar to the fear of being judged, but with an added dimension of comparison, as I fear them coming to the conclusion that they are more than me, that they are superior than me, and treat me accordingly.

Here, again I see the connection between how I treat others when I perceive them to be less than me as the source of my fear, because how I treat others within my mind and actions, is how I expect to be treated and thus the source of the fear, showing me how i am acting/behaving towards others – thus, to find out what it is that I fear about being looked down upon I must investigate who I am within looking down upon others.

Another point to consider is that, here again, I see that I place my self value in the hands of others, as allowing myself to value myself through what I perceive others define and see in me.

So, two main points to further  investigate and become clear on - who I am within comparison when I perceive myself as the superior and thus look down on the other, how do I treat them, and so on, and the other point would be related to self acceptance and the need for validation/approval of others.

the point of self acceptance keeps coming up like as the background of all of myself, and within it the desire for validation/approval/acceptance from others, the other point is a point of equality, within the principle of give as you would like to receive and do onto another as you would like to be done onto you, but here I am allowing myself to participate in abuse and thus fear being abuse within finding myself at the other side of the coin within the polarity I have accepted as superiority/inferiority – I see here that the principle of equality is here either way, when i abuse i will then equally experience/fear the abuse, and thus when I support I can walk in self trust of supporting myself as I support others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fears as the fear of being judged as less than / inferior, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself according to how others see me and thus have not allowed myself to value myself unconditionally as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat others as less than me and act towards them in disregard/spitefulness/abuse, within this I realize that the fear I have towards others seeing me as less than them stems from my own abusive behavior I have participated within towards others and thus fear of receiving the other side of the coin, thus I commit myself to stop myself when I see myself going into judgment and compression towards others as seeing them as less than me, within realizing that as long as I participate in this construct I am allowing it to exist in all realms of existence including it coming back to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act on my fears as putting on an act to try and become something/someone else than who I am in order to make an impression on others so they will think I am worthy, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and present myself in ways that I will get the desired response from the environment and thus when I don't get the feed back I desire I react within anger/aggravation as I am faced with myself as the acceptance of self separation revealing itself to me as inner conflict as I see that I have allowed myself to present myself in one way in order to get a positive feedback and when I get a negative feedback my act is exposed because it allows me to see that it was all an act

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be trapped in my mind to such an extent that I am actually thinking about what other people are thinking, thus validating their thoughts as well as my own as true and trust worthy, thus living not only in the alternate reality of my own mind but actually living in another alternate reality within the alternate reality in my mind, thus stepping that much further from reality as I give value and interpretation to what I believe others are thinking of me, instead of giving value to myself as life and to what is actually here within/as the physical

I commit myself to, when and as I am being corrected /told what to do, support myself within breath and do not allow myself to react, I commit myself to stop myself form going into my mind as thoughts/beliefs of what others might be thinking of me, and instead I commit myself to investigate the point I am actually showing myself within it, as the point of looking for external validation instead of living as self that needs no validation by the mere fact that I am here

When and as I interpret someone is thinking they are more than me I stop, I bring myself back here, I realize whatever goes on in ones mind is their own process to walk through and my responsibility is to stop myself as my mind/thoughts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within the fear of being judge as wrong/stupid/inadequate, to add onto that the dimension of comparison, and within that to assume that the one that is correcting me is not only judging me but is comparing themselves to me and judging me as less than, not realizing that this is all going on in my own mind as my own creation, and thus I am the one comparing and judging myself, regardless of what the other may or may not be doing within their mind, which is in fact irrelevant, because as long as I am in my mind as thoughts / comparison / judgments I am not here as breath within the actual physical reality, thus I mist first bring myself back here as stopping my own mind / thoughts / comparison / judgments towards myself and towards others, and only then will I be able to even see and then give support to another within their mind, thus I commit myself to focus on myself from perspective of taking responsibility for myself as my own participation within/as the mind, and to stop myself form accepting myself within the separation of the mind and to bring myself here to myself

 

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Day 73 - Spitefulness - Part 5 – Self Commitments

This blog is a follow up from my previous blog

Day 69 - Friendship - Part 11 – Spitefulness – Part 1

Day 70 - Spitefulness - Part 2 - Self Forgiveness

Day 71 - Spitefulness - Part 3 - Self Commitments

Day 72 – Spitefulness – Part 4 – More Characters – Self Forgiveness

Blame – Annoyance – Superiority – Inferiority - Worthlessness

I commit myself to stop myself as thoughts, to stop myself within a self directive decision as not allowing myself to go into my thoughts as I have realized their evil/abusive nature, I commit myself to breathe and bring myself back here time and time again, for as long as it takes, until I have stopped my addiction to thoughts/feelings/emotions as the mind, I commit myself to stop the energetic addiction of the mind through stopping myself as the thoughts coming up in my mind as justifications/blame/spitefulness within realizing that all these mind components are designed to generate the energy within me, within self interest to feed my addiction, to justify myself so that I never have to change, I realize this will be a process of withdrawal as it is with stopping any addiction thus I commit myself to push through and continue walking, as stopping myself until I am no more directed by the self interest of the mind

I commit myself to investigate any/all spiteful thoughts I have allowed myself to participate within, and within that to investigate all points where I still fall in the pattern/addiction of spitefulness, and within that to find the actual source as driving force that I have allowed myself to be directed by, and stop myself from allowing myself to continue being directed like a puppet on strings, I commit myself to utilize breath as self support and within this to always direct myself back to the physical as what is actually here as life, and not allow myself to be distracted/tempted by the realm of the mind, as I know it's a one way road to hell in the sense of - through allowing myself to separate myself from myself as life, through allowing myself to participate within/as the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions, through not being directive principle in every moment, I have allowed myself to be nasty/spiteful/evil and thus due to actually knowing and being aware of all that I am beneath my mask and act of ignorance there builds up shame/guilt/regret for not stopping - thus within not stopping, I realize I will create my own personal hell of shame/guilt/regret, because beneath this lie, I know I am life, I know my thoughts are running around within the self interest and disregarding myself as life and all as life as equals - thus I commit myself to stop

I commit myself to show that all thoughts are evil in nature, and all thoughts are motivated by self interest, and that within allowing ourselves to participate in thoughts, within allowing ourselves to participate in the spiteful back chat of our hidden mind, we are actually creating this world as evil/abusive/spiteful, and thus we are each responsible to stop ourselves within/as our participation of/within the mind, to be able to walk the first step in bringing about a world that supports life, as well as walking the first step of birthing ourselves as beings that are worthy of life

I commit myself to investigate within myself all points of blame, because I realized that all blame is me hiding from me as not taking self responsibility for that which I am in fact responsible for, I commit myself to stopping myself within breath when I see myself going into blame and to breathe as long as it takes to stop the blame possession from taking over, I coming myself to not allow myself to go into spitefulness based in blame because I realize this is deceptive act getting me to lose track of what really matters which is my responsibility, by placing it on someone else and using that as justification to poison myself and existence as a whole with my spiteful thoughts/words/deeds, thus bringing myself to a point of evil, of acting out the very thing I blame another for, I commit myself to build myself as self integrity through stopping myself from participating in that which I blame others for, which is that which is unacceptable as it is based in abuse/evil/spitefulness

I commit myself to show that any form of blame is done within spitefulness, within placing self's responsibility on another and thus spiting self through deliberately abdicating self responsibility and hiding from self within separation through participation within the mind as thoughts such as blame, within this I commit myself to show that participating with blame is directly accepting abuse to exist within participating in the spiteful thoughts towards another within realizing that spiteful actions come from and are a direct result of spiteful thoughts and thus to ensure spitefulness/abuse stop we must stop all thoughts

I commit myself to use annoyance as a gift, as a tool for self realization and thus self support, to through annoyance see who I am allowing myself to be and what I have allowed to have directive principle over me in becoming annoyed by external trigger, and thus within realizing the points of trigger to see what I am actually showing myself within myself, and thus I commit myself to investigate all points of annoyance and atop myself within/as breath when I see myself going into annoyance as to not allow the experience of annoyance to direct me, and thus to become the directive principle of/as myself, directing myself within the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all

I commit myself to humble myself within/as breath, when I see myself going into superiority, within realizing that superiority is a survival mechanism I have accepted as myself to cover up the experience of inferiority I have allowed myself to exist as, and thus I commit myself to use points of superiority to show myself back to myself, to allow myself to see the point I believe I am better than another and within that the point I fear being less than another and to within seeing these points to forgive myself for accepting myself to exist within the specific polarity of more/less within forgiving the value system I am basing this polarity on, within realizing that any polarity is of the mind, within this I commit myself to investigate the value systems I have allowed myself to participate within and accept as valid due to realizing that all values that are enforced by society are in fact based on self interest and the deception within living as an accepted norm within competition and lacking any self honesty as self expression, and further more lacking the principle of life as equality and oneness

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself going into inferiority towards another and to investigate the point within writing myself to freedom through self forgiveness as to free myself from the perceived inferiority as I have realized it is limiting me and diminishing me and has no value within my process except keeping me enslaved to/as the mind within limitation, within this I commit myself to if/when I see myself going into spitefulness towards the being I am experiencing myself inferior to, to stop myself at the moment, to not allow myself to participate within spiteful thoughts/words/actions because I know this is self deception and creating conflict and abuse and in any way doesn't support myself nor the other as life within our process of life, I commit myself to investigate points of inferiority and to bring myself to a point of equality within myself and existence as a whole

I commit myself to stop participating within/as worthlessness, returning to the physical within/as breath, within realizing that the experience of being worthless is a back door of taking self responsibility within believing myself to be a victim of life, thus not allowing myself to direct myself as life, one and equal to/as life, thus I commit myself to show that any experience of self worthlessness is self manipulation keeping self trapped within/as the mind, a trap created by self and thus can be ended by self, within realizing that I am responsible for/as myself and thus I have the opportunity in every breath to live a life a worth through establishing myself as a being that support myself, that supports all other beings in my immediate environment, that support all life as equals - that is a life worth living, a life that holds no regret within the self trust that self is doing all within the principle of supporting life, and walking life breath by breath, and thus I commit myself to walk breath by breath, and to direct myself to support myself within self honesty, within stopping the mind/thoughts/spitefulness and returning to myself as the physical, as reality, as life

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Day 72 – Spitefulness – Part 4 – More Characters – Self Forgiveness

This blog is a follow up from my previous blog

Day 69 - Friendship - Part 11 – Spitefulness – Part 1

Day 70 - Spitefulness - Part 2 - Self Forgiveness

Day 71 - Spitefulness - Part 3 - Self Commitments

Just to be clear with myself as to what i am writing about: the definition of “spite” from online dictionary - Spite - Malicious ill will prompting an urge to hurt or humiliate.

I am continuing with the character of spitefulness and how I have created it through using it as an outflow of participation within other characters, on tonight's blog I will address the following characters that I found I fall into and in turn accept myself as spiteful

 

 

Blame – Annoyance – Superiority – Inferiority – Worthlessness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in spitefulness wither thoughts/words/actions/behavior, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a deliberate harmful/abusive thought/word/deed not taking into consideration the consequences of such participation within myself, the other and existence as a whole, within not realizing that by participating within/as spitefulness I am giving my allowance for all spitefulness to exist within the principle of as within so without, and thus by not allowing myself to stop myself as spitefulness I allow the construct of spitefulness to continue everywhere, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to push/will myself to stop myself as spitefulness due to realizing that the responsibility goes much further beyond my privet experience, there is an outflow that effects everything and everyone, and thus I am responsible to stop myself or live with the regret for not stopping and allowing it/myself to continue

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when/as I go into the blame character within believing that someone had done me wrong, or had done something that they shouldn't have, or that they are responsible for some form of consequence that is not in my best interest, I allow myself to go into spitefulness towards them, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use blame as a justification for me to be spiteful towards another being, through believing they did something wrong within judging them in my mind and while accepting the blame/judgment I then allow myself to participate in harmful/abusive thoughts/words/actions towards them, as allowing myself a form of poetic justice within believing they are to blame and thus I spite them as punishment/revenge/deliberate consequences

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become annoyed by others for various reasons and within becoming annoyed at them, within believing that they are the cause of my annoyance, within judging them for not being as I wish them to be for me not to get annoyed, within justifying myself within accepting the annoyance due to how they are / how they express themselves what they are doing, I then allow myself to spite them in my mind as thoughts of wanting to hard them, wanting them to experience the uncomfortability/pain I am experiencing, not allowing myself to see for one moment that I am the only one responsible for my reactions/feelings/emotions, and thus if I am experiencing annoyance I must look within self and investigate why/how I have created this experience within/as myself, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate the point of annoyance and go automatically to spitefulness while not allowing myself to face myself and bring myself to a point of change within taking self responsibility of/for myself in every thought/word/action/experience within/as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within spitefulness from a starting point of superiority, where I have defined myself as better then the other person and thus experience myself as superior due to specific criteria, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, when such people that I experience myself as superior to, do something that justifies my superiority, as in proves my superiority to be correct, I go into spitefulness and allow myself to spite the in my thoughts/words/actions, where I, through expressing spitefulness towards them within or without, show to myself/others how much more I am then the other being through allowing myself to spite them as it is interpreted by me as a form of power, thus proving my superiority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within/as spitefulness towards people that I experience myself as inferior to within allowing myself to compare myself to them and exist within constant competition with them of which I always perceive myself as the loser, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame them within myself within believing that they are doing it to me, and thus I allow myself to spite them to show myself within my mind that I am able to hurt them and thus am not actually inferior

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as worthless, and within that experience being bad/negative I want to stop it within self interest, and thus I turn to spitefulness as a point of showing myself that I have worth through being able to hurt others, thus validating myself as worth living through my ability of hurting/abusing another as if in a way the ability to have an effect on another is proof that I am alive, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow the mind experience of unworthiness to bring me to a position that I don't care about what harm/abuse I create as long as I have an effect as that will prove to me that I have value

Day 52 - Blame character - Part 2 - Reacting to Tonality - Self Forgiveness

Continuing from my previous blog: Day 51 – Blame character – Part 1

Here I will walk the point, within the blame character, of reacting to the another person's tonality within believing I am being attacked by them through how they express themselves to me

I have noticed that I have the perception of being attacked through the tonality in another's voice where I perceive them to be criticizing me, impatient with me and an authority over me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to interpret a tonality within someone's expression as an attack, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can be attacked with words, not realizing that words have no direct physical influence unless I accept and allow myself to react to them within myself, within/as my mind, and only through my acceptance/participation I let them have an actual physical influence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself that I am being attacked when being spoken to in a specific tonality due to past experiences/memories/interpretations, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within/as the past as not being here within breath, not being the directive principle because I am allowing tonality to dictate how I react/behave, instead of directing myself within as breath, within the physical practical reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define some people as authoritative according to the tonality of their voice, as when they speak with a stable sounding voice, when they sound sure of themselves, and express themselves within confidence of what they are saying, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as less than “authority”, from a perspective of not being confident in what I say, not being sure of myself, and thus if someone else is confident they must know, and I don't, so they are authority and I am less. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define someone as more than me, as an authority, due to the tonality of their voice, and within that create a whole personality in relation to them as being less than them, and thus allowing myself to go into inferiority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a specific tonality that I interpret at attacking when the other's voice is expressed in a harsh, cut off, sharp edges way, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an idea in my mind that being spoken to in a harsh, cut off, sharp edges way is defined as being attacked and I haven't allowed myself to consider within this idea the other being, within considering that wither they are intending to attack or not, is based on mind made ideas within their mind, and thus within reacting to tonality as believing a harsh, cut off, sharp edges tonality is indication of attack I am in fact validating the mind and abdicating my free choice as a living being to breathe and be here within/as the moment and simply hear what is being said, and within that, not allowing myself to respond within common sense practicality taking into consideration life as a whole within considering both/all beings that are participating in the situation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself react to the tonality of someone's voice when speaking my name, where I interpret the sound/tonality of my name as a preparation for an attack if it is spoken in a specific way, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to what someone is saying to me before they even say anything and just called out my name, because I interpret the way they call my name as a preparation for being attacked by them, within this I forgive myself for accepting within/as myself the idea of being attacked and thus before the being even speaks I am already in defense mode creating back chat in my mind and building up energy within myself to have armor against the attack, all based on the tonality of how they say my name, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that within anticipating the idea of being attacked I am already within myself creating the situation of being attacked, and thus the other being when communicating with me will "feel the vibe" and will in turn attack me because I sent off a signal that I am prepared for it, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the other for attacking me when in fact I have in a way requested it through my anticipation of being attacked

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to interpret someone's tonality as being impatient, and to thus go into reaction within fear of having someone express impatient towards me, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear/resist having someone respond to me within impatience because I have allowed myself to define myself accordingly within the belief system I have placed on my definition of impatience, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when someone is impatient with me to take it personally and believe it defines me as slow/boring/stupid/a nuisance/a disturbance, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within believing myself to be slow/stupid/boring… within believing the other has responded to me within impatience, to react within fear of being rejected, because I have created a net of beliefs within/as me and I have believed them to define me and the world we live in as reality, and within the beliefs I have created within/as myself I have allowed myself to judge myself and others for being slow/boring/a nuisance… and to define that as bad and unacceptable and thus to reject myself and others within presenting those characters, thus i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when I interpret someone as being impatient towards me through the interpretation i have giving the tonality of their voice, I react within fear of being rejected

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when interpreting people's expression as being impatient with me and/or criticizing me through their tonality of their words, to then interpret that as if I am being attacked within accepting a set of beliefs/ideas/opinions that I have created within/as myself, as how I see the world and how I have concluded that people should be/behave, and thus when I perceive people to be impatient towards me, I conclude that I am being/acting/behaving within the forbidden/unacceptable behaviors as defined through the set of beliefs/ideas I have accepted to be real, and within that, their criticism must be a consequence of who I am as I how have behaved within that which is unacceptable, and thus it must be a sign for soon being rejected. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as fear of being rejected due to believing that I must be accepted by others to live, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself as my self-expression in order to fit in and to please others as doing what it takes to be accepted, because I have allowed myself to believe that only within being accepted by other will I be able to survive, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to firstly accept myself and to realize that within actual self acceptance I can start building self intimacy, and within self acceptance/intimacy to not require others to validate me, as I am here as breath, as self, as life.

 

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Day 51 – Blame character – Part 1

 

I am working with the blame character within and as myself where I am looking at one dimension of blame where within my environment an event occurs where I am corrected / feel inferior / ….and through my experience of this I would react in anger, feel animosity towards the other person blaming them for how I experience myself.

So, within this character I see there are three steps to the creation of the blame character:

1. I take a response from someone in my environment personally
2. Within taking it personally I react to the other person negatively where I create an emotional body that reacts to the response from the other person
3. I then become the blame character – blaming the other person for my experience

I will start from the end to unfold the pattern:

Why do I blame?

I blame as a way of abdicating self responsibility, stating to myself that others are responsible for how I experience myself. It is a form of self diminishment within believing myself to be a victim to others and dependent on others within believing they have control over me as my experience of myself

Why do I experience a negative energetic experience?

Based on memories/ideas/interpretations that I have created and accepted in the past, as I have connected the dots between my experiences creating a belief system of how things should be, how people should be, how I should be. Within this I have learned to use positive/negative energetic experiences to get what I want within self interest, to justify myself and to protect my personality/beliefs. So going into negative energetic experience is a point of not having the situation aligned with my expectations of it within self interest, simply not how I want it do be within the ideas I have created, and through feeling bad about it I justify to myself that I am right within the idea.

Why do I take things personally?

I feel attacked, the idea I have of myself is attacked, things are being said that are not aligned with my belief system, with the personality I want to have presented, there is a clash and I go into defense mode as a form of survival, like becoming alert and having to defend myself, my persona.

I have noticed that I have the perception of being attacked through the tonality in another's voice where I perceive them to be criticizing me, impatient with me and an authority over me. If I perceive myself to be attacked often and repeatedly I experience a form of desensitizing, like a form of coping mechanism where I zone out and ignore/suppress the reactions within me, another point within perceiving myself to being repeatedly attract I lose my perception of what is important, like there is no big and small scale, it all becomes with the same intensity.

Within the perceiving myself as being attacked I allow myself to feel enslaved where I lose all self trust, and accept myself as enslaved to the situation and my experience within it, like I am trapped within it.

Through out this point I recognize that I have a desire to be seen in a specific "light", while within the point of experiencing myself as I'm being attacked I feel like I am not seen as I desire to be seen and there is a fear within that as to how others will see me as

So, in a way my definition of self is challenged, I recognize the misalignment with my self definition and what is being said to me that I have reacted to, and I evaluate it to being negative according to my belief system based on past experiences/memories/interpretation, then I react within a negative energetic experience, and instead of realizing that I am doing all of this to myself through accepting blindly my belief system and my definition of myself, I go into blame within believing the whole experience to be real and my beliefs to be valid, and thus I blame the other for creating this situation as what I am experiencing within/as myself, through their expression.

Within the blogs to come I will open up this point further

Day 50 – Playing the game of Superiority/Inferiority

 

This blog is a follow up from yesterday's blog: Day 49 – Stable or Superior?

I will address this point from both side of the polarity as I have realized that "it takes two to tango" but in fact I have been dancing with myself in my mind as participating/creating myself as both characters within this dance, so to speak.

I have realized that any reactions exist in me and comes solely from my mind, thus – the other is never actually doing anything to me in fact, but only mirroring myself back to self, as it is all a projection of what I am allowing to take place in my mind. Within this I realize that when I react to another, whether by being the superior/authority/in control character or being the inferior/submissive/suppressed character, either way any reaction within me towards another is a point I must investigate within my SELF as it doesn't really have to do with the other personally, because it is all created within/as self

So, here I am starting the process of taking responsibility for both sides of the coin as I realized it doesn't matter in which side I participate, I have created both in my mind, and am participating as both internally and externally.

Self forgiveness as the superior

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create stability as an idea in my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself as stable to cover up within suppression that I am actually reacting within myself through participating within superiority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to crave stability to such an extent that I will lie to myself as being stable, within hope that "if I fake it I'll make it", not realizing that by doing so I am ignoring and suppressing the point within me that still fear being inferior and unstable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself as stable while I am participating within superiority, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my stable stance and thus project onto the other that they are reacting when in fact I am reacting within acting/walking within fear of losing myself as stable, not realizing that stability within fear is stability of the mind and as such is a mind manipulation keeping me from seeing the actual point of fear, as fear of survival of the personality I have created myself as

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confuse stability with power/control, and within that to direct onto others an expression of power/control within believing that I am expressing and experiencing stability, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the idea I have of stability to hide from myself the desire/addiction I have created within myself towards power/control and within that to allow myself to continue existing within such constructs instead of allowing myself to let go the idea of stability and to allow myself to simply be within and as breath, and communicate from a starting point of breath and self support and not of fear of losing myself as stability or the desire to be right as a point of self justification

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate myself within the starting point I exist as, and instead to allow myself to continue as I am even though my environment is indicating to me that I am communicating within/as power/control, thus I commit myself to when the environment is showing me myself back to myself, I stop myself within breath and check to see if what they are saying is valid from perspective of taking it as a gift to investigate and see myself further/deeper, and not automatically reject what is being said within fear of losing the stability I have created myself as

I commit myself to when being corrected/criticized by others to not take it personally, but instead to investigate the point within practicality - are they showing me a point I am allowing myself to exist as and yet to have seen myself within it? Or are they projecting onto me their fears/patterns/beliefs and if so I will not be influenced by it? Thus I commit myself to be the directive principle within/as myself and to allow myself to look at all that is presented to me as what is here within equality, that is, I commit myself to investigate unconditionally all points WITHIN MYSELF that I react to when/as another is in reaction within themselves as I see it is a manipulation to keep me from actual self investigation within self honesty, thus I commit myself again, to investigate every point that comes my way, to allow myself to bring the point here as myself within/as breath and to actually place it within/as myself and have a look at what is going on inside of me in regards to any energetic movement, I commit myself to do this until I am certain that I am clear within/as every point, and if/when I see myself react/participate in any point as pattern of the mind, I stop myself within/as breath, and push myself to let go that pattern within investigating it's cause/origin/play out... until I am clear of all patterns and can trust myself as life, as living here in the moment, as the moment of breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to communicate in a harsh/tough way to others within believing myself to be stable and proving to myself my stability through the way I communicate as harsh/tough/direct, while not allowing myself to see that my communication is not supporting the other as equal, and thus within not communicating within consideration of supporting the other, I am actually proving to myself that I am not in fact stable but am participating with superiority

I commit myself to use communication as an indication to check myself within, if my communication is creating and energetic experience, positive or negative within myself or the other, I stop myself within/as breath and check my starting point within self honesty, am I being direct or am I being controlling? Am I being stable or am I being superior?

I commit myself to build myself as self honesty, to develop myself as self honesty as I realize self honesty is the only tool I can trust, it first needs to be build as self trust… thus I commit myself to myself within building/birthing myself as self honesty, so I can see/face myself and actually change as what is best for all

I commit myself to push myself within my communication, and to make it a point to myself to communicate within awareness and support, within this I commit myself to teach myself the art of effective communication through trial and error, thus I commit myself to investigate myself within communication within actually applying myself in the physical to find out who I am within communication, and to build myself up as a being that uses communication as support for all as one as equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself within superiority within communication with another instead of allowing myself to take the opportunity to support the other as equals, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to the feeling of being "more than", and within that create and hold on to that feeling through speaking in a superior/harsh way to the other instead of practicing humbleness within stability and thus supporting both me and the other within our process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse others within participating as superior while manipulating myself and the other to believe that I am stable and thus an authority, and within being an authority, point my finger at the other, as if only the other has to clear themselves from the reaction of inferiority, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "pray on the weak" as in finding the one in the group that will "fall for my act" and apply it on them, within creating a situation where I can deliberately act out my superiority as stability, and not get caught as I have found the weakest link and they are bound to believe me because they see themselves as inferior already, and thus I support their mind fuck as they support mine instead of supporting each other to step out of this mind game once and for all and actually stand as equals to/as life

Self forgiveness as the inferior

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to people when I perceive them going into authority/bossiness and thus not allow myself to be self directive but to be dependent on my perception of other people's expression instead of being stable within/as myself in every moment, independently of what is going on around me, simply being here, within/as breath, stable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when the being at hand is not perceived as an authority, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to actually make a decision within myself as to whom can talk to me in a certain way while others can't, with some I will react within anger and with others not, within this I have not allowed myself to investigate what exactly it is that I am allowing myself to react to, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame/judge others for their expression instead of finding out within myself what exactly is the trigger point of my reaction, based on how I have judged the person to be more/less than me, as a base of my acceptance of how they talk

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive some people as authoritative and thus when communicating with such people to react within inferiority, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect authority with superiority and haven't considered that authority can simply be related to being well educated/experienced/informed about a specific topic and does not actually define one as superior, as I realize superiority is only existent within one's mind as a construct and not in fact existent within the physical reality, instead of realizing that I have created this construct of inferiority/superiority in my mind while in reality I am simply in communication with another being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define some people as authoritative while other not, depending on some specific characteristics that I have connected with authority, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within/as inferior when communicating with people I have defined as authoritative instead of realizing that I have created the point of inferiority within my mind, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent/blame the other for "creating this experience within myself" while not allowing myself to take responsibility within realizing that only I can create any experience within me and thus no one is to blame and only I am responsible for allowing myself to participate within/as inferiority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the game of inferiority/superiority in my mind and to then project it on to my environment depending on who has the specific characteristics that are aligned with the definition I have created the character as, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide this from myself and instead to exist within blame towards the other as the creator of the situation, within doing so enhancing/participating with the construct/game of superiority/inferiority as believing they are more creators/responsible for the situation than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react differently depending on who I am communicating with, where I define some people as deserving to express themselves as authority/superior and others not, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger when people that I have defined as not deserving to be an authority express themselves in ways that I perceive as superior while not react when those that I perceive as deserving, because I accept them as such, to express themselves as superior instead of allowing myself to be here within breath and consider all as equal beings communicating, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define/judge others as deserving to be an authority or not based on my ideas/beliefs I have accepted, and I didn't take into consideration that within this I am declaring myself the authority as deciding who can express in which way, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to perceive myself to be an authority to other's as a point of superiority within myself, while blaming/judging them for being superior, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself from my own participation within superiority as judging other's expressions as the authority that calls the shots through blaming/judging them for participating in superiority - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize within the situation that self is always pointing back to self, and thus all projections I have onto others I must first allow myself to investigate within/as myself within self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as they express themselves within stability because I am jealousy of their stability within a belief that I am not capable of such stability. Within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to brake down their stability as the only option I know to stop the competition within myself as I am sure to lose due to self belief of being instable, and thus I brake the other's stability within believing them to be acting within superiority so that I can reassure myself that I am not the only one still reacting within my mind, thus instead of supporting myself and walking my process within the self direction to actually see myself in fact, I have made it about the other person, within competition/comparison, within defining myself according to what the other is experiencing within themselves, not realizing that it is a self manipulation to distract myself form myself

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath each time I see myself going in my mind as evaluating if the one infornt of me is reacting or stable, within that not focusing on myself but on them, and allowing myself to be in my mind as backchat as judgment -

I commit myself to stop myself within as the backchat as judgment through writing them out one by one until I have seen the entire construct of my thoughts, and thus be able to stop them within/as breath, until slowly but surly I will not be directed/influenced by my thoughts as back chat and can be here within/as breath and actually experience/express myself as life

Day 49 – Stable or Superior?

I have written about the point of stability in a previous blog "Reacting through Not Reacting", where I believe I am stable because I am not reacting when in fact I am reacting within myself, now I want to bring up and explore another point of confusion, where one believe themselves to be stable/in control/non reactive because they are not experiencing the inferiority/anxiety experiences, but they are not in fact stable because they are participating within the other side of the polarity as power/control/superiority.

I'm sure I have participated as this construct many times, but there is one specific memory comes to mind in regards to this experience/construct. I was in an big argument with my room mate and at the end of the argument (in which I obviously reacted) I calmed myself down, I then came to her and within "stability" I basically told her that she is a fuck up and I'm not going to bother myself with her shit anymore. I felt powerful, and what I am certain of, looking at it now, is that I wasn't speaking from an actual stable starting point, not at all. I have fueled myself up while "calming" myself down within participating in back chat that diminish her and justify myself as being right. When I spoke to her I wasn't considering her, I wasn't supporting her, I was speaking to her within a starting point of making her feel small/bad/stupid/wrong…. I wanted to hurt her… I wanted to make sure she and I both know what a fuck up she is, and that I'm removing myself from the situation within "stability". I justified myself for being nasty/abusive towards her within the belief I am right and she is wrong, and thus deserves to be disregarded, abused and forgotten about.

The reason I want to explore this point is because in most of my experience I have been on the receiving/submissive/inferior end of this construct. I have been in many relationships with people where, where I believe them to be stable, as they express themselves as stable, at the same time I know that I am undoubtedly reacting in inferiority, and thus it becomes like a tango, where both sides know I am reacting in inferiority and both sides believe the other is stable. Within participating in this construct I have agreed to silence myself, as if my words have no value because they are spoken from reaction, and the other being's words are marbles of wisdom at all times because they are spoken from stability, when in fact in many cases they are not, as I have seen within the memory above.

So, here I'm going to place myself in the shoes of the "stable" one, as the memory that came up within me, I will write out the construct and will walk the forgiveness to better understand myself and the other within this construct.

As I see it, it's a point where one sees oneself as stable, believes self to be non reactive, but in fact one is in a position of superiority and power, and thus it appears to be a form of stability but in fact it is a stable presentation within an idea of what stable is. I realize now that being stable cannot come from a point of power over another, real stability would come from within/as breath and will be experienced/expressed within/as humbleness, and will be directed as what is best for all, as a hereness within considering the entirety of the situation and all participants involved, and not from a point of ego, of being stronger than the other and therefore believe oneself to be stable because one doesn't experience fear or inferiority.

I can see the confusion within this construct, looking at how I experienced it, where one will exist within an inner conflict as inferiority, and due to that experience being an unbearable experience, one will go to the other side of the polarity, while all one is sure of is that they are not experiencing the inferiority/anxiety anymore and therefore believing themselves to be stable, not realizing that they have shifted to the other side of the coin, still within the mind's polarity, and thus not stable within/as breath.

The mind's stability is based on an idea of being in control of the situation, but a good indicator would be to check if one is supporting the other within this "stability" or is merely expressing their desire for control/power/superiority/stability to cover up the actual inner/suppressed experience of fear/anxiety/inferiority .

I'll be writing self forgiveness and corrective statement on this point in my next blog.

Day 18 - Sister character – part 1

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as a character defining who I will be how I will act and how I will react with my sister, within that allowing myself as the character to re-create the same dynamic again and again as a pre-written script of our life, within going back to memories I have of us within my interpretation of the memory and as if I have trapped us in a time bubble we are doomed to dance the same dance over and over as long as I continue participating within/as this sister character.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a memory of my sister where she is giving me a hard time when lending me her cloths, as if she doesn’t trust me, and within this memory I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take it personally and react to her taking extra care for her cloths, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty before even doing anything just from the fear of what will happen if anything spills/tears when I am wearing her cloths. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate with the character of “I fear getting into conflict with my sister, I fear her getting upset with me, I hope everything goes ok so that she doesn’t get upset”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to past memories up to a point that still if the point comes up as a memory between us in a conversation I would react and expect her to react as well, thus creating the situation from thin air based only on a memory that I keep alive through remembering it and participating within/as it as going back to the same emotional energy I have attached to the memory.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the emotional energy I have attached to the memory, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold on to fear of conflict and fear of messing up, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect myself to mess up due to the fear of getting in conflict but the self doubt within the expectation that things just won’t go ‘my way’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as the underdog character within my relationship with my sister, within that I create myself as less than her, and resist beating her at anything because I am used to, based to the character and memories I have created, her winning and making decisions and having the upper hand, on the other side I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in comparison/competition with my sister at all times thus able to calculate her being the winner in a self created competition that  I have created especially to lose in. further more I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the conflict of creating myself as character of inferiority and at the same time fight to get out of the inferior spot I have worked so hard to create for myself thus creating myself as superior within allowing myself to become abusive and spiteful towards her only to cover up the feelings of inferiority that I have created.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that fighting for not being inferior within accepting and allowing the polarity is not going to lead to anything except more bullshit, and that the only way to rid myself from the experience as being the inferior is to stop participating and re-creating myself as the inferior character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear giving up the inferior character with my sister because of fear of going into superiority from the perspective of “how will she handle it?” not realizing that I have been the one competing with her, and thus only through the eyes of competition can I be a winner or a loser, thus once I stop myself from comparing myself and calculating myself in relation to her and placing value to the competition/comparison, I will no longer be a winner or a loser because they both exist only within competition/comparison.

To be continued