Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Day 49 – Stable or Superior?

I have written about the point of stability in a previous blog "Reacting through Not Reacting", where I believe I am stable because I am not reacting when in fact I am reacting within myself, now I want to bring up and explore another point of confusion, where one believe themselves to be stable/in control/non reactive because they are not experiencing the inferiority/anxiety experiences, but they are not in fact stable because they are participating within the other side of the polarity as power/control/superiority.

I'm sure I have participated as this construct many times, but there is one specific memory comes to mind in regards to this experience/construct. I was in an big argument with my room mate and at the end of the argument (in which I obviously reacted) I calmed myself down, I then came to her and within "stability" I basically told her that she is a fuck up and I'm not going to bother myself with her shit anymore. I felt powerful, and what I am certain of, looking at it now, is that I wasn't speaking from an actual stable starting point, not at all. I have fueled myself up while "calming" myself down within participating in back chat that diminish her and justify myself as being right. When I spoke to her I wasn't considering her, I wasn't supporting her, I was speaking to her within a starting point of making her feel small/bad/stupid/wrong…. I wanted to hurt her… I wanted to make sure she and I both know what a fuck up she is, and that I'm removing myself from the situation within "stability". I justified myself for being nasty/abusive towards her within the belief I am right and she is wrong, and thus deserves to be disregarded, abused and forgotten about.

The reason I want to explore this point is because in most of my experience I have been on the receiving/submissive/inferior end of this construct. I have been in many relationships with people where, where I believe them to be stable, as they express themselves as stable, at the same time I know that I am undoubtedly reacting in inferiority, and thus it becomes like a tango, where both sides know I am reacting in inferiority and both sides believe the other is stable. Within participating in this construct I have agreed to silence myself, as if my words have no value because they are spoken from reaction, and the other being's words are marbles of wisdom at all times because they are spoken from stability, when in fact in many cases they are not, as I have seen within the memory above.

So, here I'm going to place myself in the shoes of the "stable" one, as the memory that came up within me, I will write out the construct and will walk the forgiveness to better understand myself and the other within this construct.

As I see it, it's a point where one sees oneself as stable, believes self to be non reactive, but in fact one is in a position of superiority and power, and thus it appears to be a form of stability but in fact it is a stable presentation within an idea of what stable is. I realize now that being stable cannot come from a point of power over another, real stability would come from within/as breath and will be experienced/expressed within/as humbleness, and will be directed as what is best for all, as a hereness within considering the entirety of the situation and all participants involved, and not from a point of ego, of being stronger than the other and therefore believe oneself to be stable because one doesn't experience fear or inferiority.

I can see the confusion within this construct, looking at how I experienced it, where one will exist within an inner conflict as inferiority, and due to that experience being an unbearable experience, one will go to the other side of the polarity, while all one is sure of is that they are not experiencing the inferiority/anxiety anymore and therefore believing themselves to be stable, not realizing that they have shifted to the other side of the coin, still within the mind's polarity, and thus not stable within/as breath.

The mind's stability is based on an idea of being in control of the situation, but a good indicator would be to check if one is supporting the other within this "stability" or is merely expressing their desire for control/power/superiority/stability to cover up the actual inner/suppressed experience of fear/anxiety/inferiority .

I'll be writing self forgiveness and corrective statement on this point in my next blog.


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