Showing posts with label fear of judgment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear of judgment. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
This blog is a follow up from my previous blog Day 155 - Desperation - How will the world ever change?, where I express my desperation towards the condition of the world and blame others for creating it, while not taking responsibility and realizing my part in creating the world as it is - in the following blogs I will be walking in self forgiveness the points that had opened up through writing the previous blog, as my first step of actually taking self responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid expressing myself completely and totally within a fear of receiving hatful comments from people who disagree or disapprove what I stand for and express
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself in such a way that isn't 100% straight forward but rather goes around the point indirectly in order to avoid the chance of being targeted for hate speech
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself within compromising my self expression due to fear of being judge and crucified for what I have to say and stand for
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to state my point directly due to fear of being exposed as a fraud, as someone that speaks the talk but doesn't walk the walk, within judging myself that how can I speak that which I still don't 100% live as myself, not realizing that it's a process and part of the process is speaking the words that will support me in living the words, as through speaking / writing the words that I am directing myself to live, I am showing myself the way, and thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk my process for and as myself, due to the fear of being judged, instead of standing up within and as myself and supporting myself through writing that which I am directing myself to live, until I will become it in fact as a living expression of / as myself, until I am one with the words I speak, as the living word as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged / mocked / crucified by people who don't like what I have to say, or fear / resist the message that I am sharing, within this not realizing that I am allowing myself to be directed by the fear / resistance / judgment of others instead of being self directed and walking myself in self honesty, within allowing myself to be strong and stable within myself and express myself as how I want to be, and not how I believe I am within the self limitation I have created for myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as overwhelmed by the hatred I see in the comments people place on posts, and within this to allow the experience of being overwhelmed to direct me, instead of standing within and as myself and directing myself to walk within the principle of what is best for all life in equality, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to contradict myself as I speak words of equality yet allow myself to be directed by the experience of fear / overwhelmingness, thus allowing myself to be inferior to such experiences, and thus to live as unequal, instead of pushing myself to equalize myself within myself and not participate in any form of inferiority as to prove to myself that inferiority of any kind is a fiction of the mind, existing only through our / my participation, and thus I realize that only through physically stopping myself form participating in any form of inequality / inferiority / superiority and pushing myself to stand within and as myself in self honesty, will inequality stand a chance to stop, but as long as I participate in it I am creating it and recreating it over and over within / as myself and thus am birthing inequality, instead of stopping and standing as life, and rebirthing myself as life from the physical, in equality and oneness as what is best for all life.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself in breathing, as keeping myself here and stable within breathe when / as I face hate speech towards myself or towards others, within this, I commit myself to stop any reaction within / as the moment and to breathe until I am stable, and within stability to speak up and express myself in self honesty and common sense, to prove to myself that I can do it, that I can walk through the fear, thus proving to myself that the fear isn’t real, as it isn't physical and thus can be transcended within a breath
I realize that by suppressing myself in avoiding confrontation in fear of being judged / crucified, I am not only compromising myself, but am compromising anyone I interact with, as I am not standing as the living example as what is best for all, but am allowing myself to be directed by my fears within self interest - I realize that any change must begin with me, and thus, I commit myself to walk this point through pushing myself to comment / speak up in self honesty as what is best for all, as I commit myself to show practical common sense so all have the opportunity to see, and for me to have the opportunity to integrate it as myself, as through writing / speaking it I am supporting myself in becoming it, thus, I commit myself to support myself and others as myself in not accepting anything less than who I am, as becoming and living the example of the principle of which I speak of, a principle of equality and oneness, as bringing about a world that is best for all life
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
This is a continuation from my previous blogs:
Day
104 - Nature reflecting my assertiveness
Day 105 - My relationship with Assertiveness
Day 106 - Assertiveness - Part 3 - Self forgiveness
Day 107 - assertiveness - "problem points"
Day 108 - limitation within self definition
I've started investigating the point of assertiveness and
my application within it, today I had an opportunity to see myself in action -
and thus here I am, to correct myself through writing, to open up the point, and
be more clear and direct the next time
such a situation occursWe've decided to plant some lavender, and within deciding where and how close together to plant them, there was a disagreement between us, I wanted them further apart, and the other being wanted them closer together - I don't have much experience with planting, and specifically I have never planted lavender, but my opinion was strong - I wanted the plants to have sufficient space to grow and not crowd each other, the other being took that into consideration as well, but wanted also to create a hedge of lavender and that would require them to be slightly closer together.
Since I had been writing about assertiveness I knew that I have an issue with standing and stating my perspective clearly and assertively, so I saw the point within me come up where I wanted to go to the "you know what, do it however you want, I don't really care, it's all cool", but I saw it was a point of giving up and not standing so, instead of breathing, looking at all the points, asking the being what is their consideration to see if I understand the totality of the point, instead of all that I went into the polarity of insisting that I know what I'm talking about, that I make sense, and all within the energy reaction of the desire to be right.
I didn't see this initially, because I was caught up with trying not to fall into the other side of the polarity of giving up, but gratfuly the point was shown to me by the other being as they pointed out that I'm in the desire to be right energy - this happened 2 minutes before I had to leave so that statement was "my cue" to leave, and as I left I was totally mind posseseed, I felt beaten, I felt like I lost, and within my mind the back chat of "no, she is the one that insisted, I am the one that was right, I made so much sense in what I said…"
I had some time to digest the situation, within breathing and stopping the back chat from possessing me, and of course, within self honesty I could see what I had done, I went to the other polarity, from the attempt not to be submissive I went to the aggression and insisting within the desire to being right.
After I had seen the point for myself I went into self judgment - "how could I fall in this point after writing about it just the other day", luckily, the other being came around and brought up the point in discussion, it gave me an opportunity to speak it out and hear their perspective as well, which was supporting in helping me to see what I haven't considered, and to stop the judgment that I was holding towards them as back chat, still trying to prove myself right
So, firstly I just want to point out the recognition and gratefulness of how communication can be the key of self change, if we would allow ourselves to support each other, and stand as mirrors to each other, without judgment, and if we we would allow ourselves to be open to hear/see in humbleness the points being shown to us - we would accelerate our process as we move towards a self honest self directed stand of self as life - so this is one cool point I see within this event, the value of supportive communication, and it just goes to show that we can't do this alone, we could benefit so much from each other if we would turn our application to supporting each other within clear and self honest communication, and not isolate ourselves and each other through communicate within spitefulness or competition.
The other point I am grateful for seeing through this event is that I hadn't stopped - in all my blogs you will see that I write the self commitment statements and the all state so very clearly that within any reaction, before you do anything, you firstly would support yourself by STOPPING AND BREATHING, so, here I was, reacting within the desire to be right, desire to be agreed with, and I didn't stop nor did I breathe, I was consumed with the energy and thus not considering myself within awareness but being blindly directed by the energy of desire.
Within our supportive communication I shared with the being all that I saw within myself and that I have been writing about it but haven't really found a solution as a practical application to what to do in such an event, then I said that all I can see is to stop and breathe - as I said it I realized how I haven’t applied this most basic application of support, I have been still remaining in the realm of wanting to be right, wanting to find a way to stop the energy without giving up the desire to be right, expecting that rush of energy when I am told "yes, you have convinced us, we'll do as you say"… I expressed that I don't know how to act/be without the energy, what do I do after I stop? How do I continue from there? Within our conversation it became so clear that really the one thing that has to be done is to STOP AND BREATHE, and only after I have stopped myself within breath will I come back to the conversation, and allow myself to be humble, when the being said the word humbleness it all fell in place -
I haven't been stopping/breathing - I have been holding on to my pride within the desire to be right, instead of allowing myself the freedom of humbleness, as an expression of life and not one of knowledge, not desiring to be right, not participating in a power struggle, simply being here, as one within and as myself as one with the other being, looking practically and softly at the situation, and within it expressing myself in breath, no energy, just me, here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself through and within the energy of the mind as the desire to be right
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "correct" one side of the polarity as being submissive, to the other side of the polarity as being aggressive/demanding within the desire to be right, thus not allowing myself to see that I am doing exactly the same, only on the other side of the same coin instead of stopping the participation with both sides of the polarity and allowing myself to exist and express myself within the stability of the equilibrium that is here
I commit myself to actually STOP myself and BREATHE, to stop my participation within the conversation/interaction if/when I see myself go into an energetic reaction, as the desire to be right, I commit myself to remove myself from participating in any conversation from within energy, because I realize it isn't in fact me participating as self expression, but as the mind as energy and thus creating and feeding off conflict and friction, thus creating consequences for myself and for others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think as back chat "hut I can't just stop a conversation in the middle, how can I do that, it will be weird" - yes, I realize it will be an adjustment, and there will be resistance at first, thus I commit myself to push through the resistance within the fear of being judged for changing myself, for stopping the conversation - I also realize I owe this to myself, I must commit myself to stopping the mind, to stopping my participation with energy, and thus, I realize that any change requires an active and consistent push, and I commit myself to push through this, I've seen what my participation within/as the mind as energy leads to - self compromise, abuse of myself and others, conflict and friction in my relationship with others as well as with myself - thus this must stop - I must stop this
When and as I see myself going into an energetic reaction within communicating with another being, I stop myself and breathe, I express that I am reacting, and thus cannot continue the conversation at the moment, I need to clear myself in order to continue. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being a pioneer, within fear of setting an example, because I realize that some people will react, but I also realize that I can't continue living my life through the constant consideration of what others will think of me, I must decide for/as myself who I want to be and them walk the chosen path as myself, living as an example for those who are willing to see, and those who are not willing - am I going to compromise myself as the living change to suit those that are not willing to see the common sense, that are insisting on remaining enslaved to the mind/money/consciousness - as I'm writing this I realize their roll in my life as they are always my mirror, thus I realize hat as long as I fear their reaction, I am actually fearing/judging myself as I fear/judge them - my relationship to them is showing me my relationship to self - showing me that I am not willing to see common sense because I am holding on to my self interest, I am allowing myself to remain enslaved to the mind/money/consciousness because I fear letting go of he safe zone I have been living within as self definition and familiar characters/environment
I realize the choice has always been mine - I chose to stop and change - so here I tackle another small single point, and commit myself to end it through stopping my participation within it - and I know what to do instead, instead of participating in the desire to be right as it comes up in a disagreement I stop, I breathe, I can express myself as why I am stopping, or not, depending the situation - but the main thing is that I do not allow myself to continue within the energy - I clear myself and only then speak.
thanks
For Further Support, a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out Links:
Desteni
Desteni Wiki
Desteni Forum
Desteni I Process
Equal Money System
Journey to Life Group
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Creation's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to LIfe
Earth's Journey to Life
Saturday, December 1, 2012
This is a continuation from my previous blog:
Day 104 - Nature reflecting my assertiveness
Assertive - Confident and direct in claiming one's rights or putting forward one's views.
Being assertive is a point that has been an issue for
me for a very long time, I’ve never felt comfortable within the expression of
assertiveness - there is a fine line between assertiveness and aggressiveness,
and I would either cross the line and express myself as aggressive, or would go
to the other side of expressing myself as a joker, not taking myself seriously
by giggling, making it seam unimportant. So, instead of being clear, direct and
assertive, I would be aggressive, attacking and demanding, or i would be funny,
unserious and joking - both from a starting point of fear, a fear of not being
heard,
fear of not being taken seriously, both within a starting point of not trusting
myself within/as a clear and direct expression, not trusting myself that
expressing myself within stability, simply being here as self expression, would
be enough, so the aggression would be like a threat - "you better listen to me",
and the joking would be a giving up as self disregard - "I'm just kidding, you
don't have to take me seriously".
There is a specific point within my resistance to being assertive and that is to receive an "inappropriate" or a not supportive response from others, from a perspective of not being taken seriously. When I think of standing and speaking assertively, I see myself saying something and actually meaning it being serious about it, but because everybody knows me as a joker/silly it is disregarded and not taken seriously, as i am left standing there, shameful for being ignored, insulted for not being heard.
As I am writing this, I see that this thoughts/projection actually comes from a specific memory - I was in a course in the army with a group of girls for three weeks, on a daily basis. most of the time I was joking around and being silly, laughing and making others laugh as well, not being too serious, and basically just enjoying myself and having fun. At one point there was a discussion in the class and I shared my perspective, and I was very serious about what i had said – but, instead of taking what I had said seriously, as a valid contribution to the conversation, some of the girls laughed as a response to what I had said, as if anything i would say is a joke and not to be taken seriously - I was very insulted and angry at them for treating me like that, for not listening to me, for disregarding what i had to say without hearing me out - I later brought it up in front of the group, they said that since I'm always joking they were sure I was kidding about this as well...
I felt like I have cheated myself, I have been presenting myself in a funny, silly way, and have robbed myself the option of being serious because I have created an idea in their minds and now, instead of listening to what I am saying , they can only see me through the silly idea they have of me.
I took the situation very personally, I felt like I was transparent, not seen, if they only saw me as a joker, which was only an external layer, then they didn't really see me at all, thus I resented them, and blamed them for not seeing me when in fact, I have allowed myself to consistently present myself as "the joker" character, and thus have not allowed myself to express myself as here, within breath, within self honesty - so they could see only that which I showed them, and since I was hiding behind the "joker" character - how could they have seen me?
I realize that being a joker as a character is a form of coping mechanism, thus instead of allowing myself to be here, and express myself as who/what I really am, instead of allowing myself to be clear and direct about what I am saying, I have suppressed any expression of myself, and allowed the joker to take over other characters to protect me from being hurt again, and thus have created myself, very convincingly, as the joker, thus, I am the one responsible for them thinking I was joking, and not taking me seriously.
This memory made me take a step back from ever trying to speak assertively/seriously because I have created a belief that I won’t ever be taken seriously - then what's the point? through this I have always created myself as the joker, to avoid having to relive the experience/situation of saying something ‘for real’ and being disregarded, and thus I have been living my life as the joker, not allowing myself to expose myself as who i am, as what i actually mean to say, as my actual clear and direct point of view - due to fear of being disregarded. Over the years I have forgotten it was a choice and have allowed it to become a self belief a self definition, believing that I am in fact incapable of being serious, assertive, clear and direct and thus continue expressing myself as the joker, proving to myself that all I am is the joker, justifying to myself why I'm not allowing myself to take myself seriously instead of stopping myself, clearing my starting point, clearing the memory and allowing myself to be every expression as life, not limited within fear of facing other's reactions ever again.
In order to justify to myself why I won't allow myself to express myself as assertive or serious I have created a relationship of polarity within myself towards such expressions, connecting them to aggressive and evil expressions, and thus, since I see myself as a good, nice person, as the main character I have created myself as, I can't be associated with aggressive and evil expressions, thus I cannot be serious or assertive because that would contradict my inner self definition.
So basically, instead of allowing myself to be assertive, here, within self expression, expressing myself as who I am within stability and clarity, I would go to either side of the extreme polarity, of either becoming aggressive, or becoming the joker. thus, when I try to imagine myself being assertive, there is a double reaction within myself, there is a fear, a fear from the aggressive aspect I have attached to it, a fear of exposing the beast within me, and the other reaction is an inner laughter, I laugh within myself, at myself, for putting on such a bad act, since within myself I believe that I am not that, not serious, not assertive, thus it's an act, and I can see right through it.
I find that when I do express myself in assertiveness I will either end up with a giggle or a joke, to "ease the seriousness", or I will end up crying as I have built up energy as aggression to have the courage to speak up, and it would be a release of all the built up energy, or I would simply be aggressive, not allowing the other to have a word, not leaving any one else any room to express themselves.
I see it like sitting on either side of the seesaw, going up and down from the joker to being aggressive and back again, instead of finding the center, the point of equilibrium, where I am stable and clear and direct, and speak/express myself from that point of stability - the center of the seesaw is where assertiveness exists, and I have been avoiding that place of stability due to fear, due to not trusting myself that I, as who I am within self honesty will every be enough.
Obviously, it would be best for all if I were to learn to
express myself within assertiveness, and not allow myself to participate in any
expression that is derived from fear, and as I’ve clearly seen, both the joker
and the aggressive expressions, are derived from fear and thus are
unacceptable.
So, I commit myself here, to myself, to start a process of becoming assertive as myself, as who I am, stopping the separation I have created towards assertiveness, investigate all points further, to bring myself to a point of self expression, as who I am , expressing myself as a clear, direct and stable stand
I commit myself to support myself within and as breath, to make it my nature to breathe before I speak, to be clear within myself, to let go the fear of the reactions of others, and to speak clearly and directly
I commit myself to slow myself down, to breathe, to correct myself and forgive myself in the moment, if I see myself going to the joker, or aggressive characters, and bring myself back here, within/as breath to a clear, direct and assertiveness with my expression
I commit myself to dedicate the next 21 days to focus on my expression, I will write about points that come up during my day, and clear myself within the next 21 day, showing myself what I have created within and as myself, where/why/when have I compromised myself as self expression, as a direct clear expression of who I am, to be able to stop such self compromise and start living, breathing, expressing, here
For Further Support, a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out Links:
Desteni
Desteni Wiki
Desteni Forum
Desteni I Process
Equal Money System
Journey to Life Group
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Creation's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to LIfe
Earth's Journey to Life
Day 104 - Nature reflecting my assertiveness
Assertive - Confident and direct in claiming one's rights or putting forward one's views.
There is a specific point within my resistance to being assertive and that is to receive an "inappropriate" or a not supportive response from others, from a perspective of not being taken seriously. When I think of standing and speaking assertively, I see myself saying something and actually meaning it being serious about it, but because everybody knows me as a joker/silly it is disregarded and not taken seriously, as i am left standing there, shameful for being ignored, insulted for not being heard.
As I am writing this, I see that this thoughts/projection actually comes from a specific memory - I was in a course in the army with a group of girls for three weeks, on a daily basis. most of the time I was joking around and being silly, laughing and making others laugh as well, not being too serious, and basically just enjoying myself and having fun. At one point there was a discussion in the class and I shared my perspective, and I was very serious about what i had said – but, instead of taking what I had said seriously, as a valid contribution to the conversation, some of the girls laughed as a response to what I had said, as if anything i would say is a joke and not to be taken seriously - I was very insulted and angry at them for treating me like that, for not listening to me, for disregarding what i had to say without hearing me out - I later brought it up in front of the group, they said that since I'm always joking they were sure I was kidding about this as well...
I felt like I have cheated myself, I have been presenting myself in a funny, silly way, and have robbed myself the option of being serious because I have created an idea in their minds and now, instead of listening to what I am saying , they can only see me through the silly idea they have of me.
I took the situation very personally, I felt like I was transparent, not seen, if they only saw me as a joker, which was only an external layer, then they didn't really see me at all, thus I resented them, and blamed them for not seeing me when in fact, I have allowed myself to consistently present myself as "the joker" character, and thus have not allowed myself to express myself as here, within breath, within self honesty - so they could see only that which I showed them, and since I was hiding behind the "joker" character - how could they have seen me?
I realize that being a joker as a character is a form of coping mechanism, thus instead of allowing myself to be here, and express myself as who/what I really am, instead of allowing myself to be clear and direct about what I am saying, I have suppressed any expression of myself, and allowed the joker to take over other characters to protect me from being hurt again, and thus have created myself, very convincingly, as the joker, thus, I am the one responsible for them thinking I was joking, and not taking me seriously.
This memory made me take a step back from ever trying to speak assertively/seriously because I have created a belief that I won’t ever be taken seriously - then what's the point? through this I have always created myself as the joker, to avoid having to relive the experience/situation of saying something ‘for real’ and being disregarded, and thus I have been living my life as the joker, not allowing myself to expose myself as who i am, as what i actually mean to say, as my actual clear and direct point of view - due to fear of being disregarded. Over the years I have forgotten it was a choice and have allowed it to become a self belief a self definition, believing that I am in fact incapable of being serious, assertive, clear and direct and thus continue expressing myself as the joker, proving to myself that all I am is the joker, justifying to myself why I'm not allowing myself to take myself seriously instead of stopping myself, clearing my starting point, clearing the memory and allowing myself to be every expression as life, not limited within fear of facing other's reactions ever again.
In order to justify to myself why I won't allow myself to express myself as assertive or serious I have created a relationship of polarity within myself towards such expressions, connecting them to aggressive and evil expressions, and thus, since I see myself as a good, nice person, as the main character I have created myself as, I can't be associated with aggressive and evil expressions, thus I cannot be serious or assertive because that would contradict my inner self definition.
So basically, instead of allowing myself to be assertive, here, within self expression, expressing myself as who I am within stability and clarity, I would go to either side of the extreme polarity, of either becoming aggressive, or becoming the joker. thus, when I try to imagine myself being assertive, there is a double reaction within myself, there is a fear, a fear from the aggressive aspect I have attached to it, a fear of exposing the beast within me, and the other reaction is an inner laughter, I laugh within myself, at myself, for putting on such a bad act, since within myself I believe that I am not that, not serious, not assertive, thus it's an act, and I can see right through it.
I find that when I do express myself in assertiveness I will either end up with a giggle or a joke, to "ease the seriousness", or I will end up crying as I have built up energy as aggression to have the courage to speak up, and it would be a release of all the built up energy, or I would simply be aggressive, not allowing the other to have a word, not leaving any one else any room to express themselves.
I see it like sitting on either side of the seesaw, going up and down from the joker to being aggressive and back again, instead of finding the center, the point of equilibrium, where I am stable and clear and direct, and speak/express myself from that point of stability - the center of the seesaw is where assertiveness exists, and I have been avoiding that place of stability due to fear, due to not trusting myself that I, as who I am within self honesty will every be enough.
Obviously, it would be best for all if I were to learn to
express myself within assertiveness, and not allow myself to participate in any
expression that is derived from fear, and as I’ve clearly seen, both the joker
and the aggressive expressions, are derived from fear and thus are
unacceptable.So, I commit myself here, to myself, to start a process of becoming assertive as myself, as who I am, stopping the separation I have created towards assertiveness, investigate all points further, to bring myself to a point of self expression, as who I am , expressing myself as a clear, direct and stable stand
I commit myself to support myself within and as breath, to make it my nature to breathe before I speak, to be clear within myself, to let go the fear of the reactions of others, and to speak clearly and directly
I commit myself to slow myself down, to breathe, to correct myself and forgive myself in the moment, if I see myself going to the joker, or aggressive characters, and bring myself back here, within/as breath to a clear, direct and assertiveness with my expression
I commit myself to dedicate the next 21 days to focus on my expression, I will write about points that come up during my day, and clear myself within the next 21 day, showing myself what I have created within and as myself, where/why/when have I compromised myself as self expression, as a direct clear expression of who I am, to be able to stop such self compromise and start living, breathing, expressing, here
For Further Support, a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out Links:
Desteni
Desteni Wiki
Desteni Forum
Desteni I Process
Equal Money System
Journey to Life Group
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Creation's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to LIfe
Earth's Journey to Life
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
