Showing posts with label stupid. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stupid. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4
Within investigating the fear dimension of the character " I don't like being corrected / told what to do", I will now open up the point of the fear of being judged by others, as the fear of being seen as wrong/stupid/slow/bad at what I'm doing
When I am being corrected or told what to do, I experience it as if the other is looking down at me, as they need to correct me or tell me what to do because I am unable to get it on my own, so I experience myself as less than them just by them correcting me or telling me what to do. The point here is that it's not just me evaluating myself as less than, within the construct of self diminishment, the fear is in regards to them seeing/knowing it, as they have corrected me thus they must have already judged me and see me as wrong/stupid/slow… within this I see their judgment as a point of confirmation of my own self diminishment, yet my self diminishment is hidden through the characters I have created myself as, as I present myself as confident, outgoing, smart, interesting, because that is how I want to see myself and be seen as, thus I fear my actual beingness as inferior being exposed and confirmed through how I perceive others are seeing me.
So why do I fear being judged by others? Why do I care what they think of me? Why do I fear them thinking I am stupid/slow/inadequate? Why am I allowing myself to see myself through their eyes, and not even their eyes but actually what I perceive to be in their eyes, thus, why do I fear my own self projected self judgment?
A point to look at within this is how do I exist when I am "on the other side of the coin", when I correct others or judge them? Within this question I see that I fear being corrected/judged by others within and expectation that they will correct/judge me as I do them, and just by asking myself this question I already see the abusive nature I have allowed myself to exist as, as through correcting others I allow myself to judge them - I judge people as less than me because I believe I know more than them, or because I perceive them to be in an inferior position, I tend to resent them, I act in spitefulness towards them, I bully them, in the little things, I patronize them as I make myself seam helpful and caring but am really getting a kick off of their inadequacy that is giving me the opportunity to shine, I speak in a tonality to make sure they know how small they are, to make myself feel bigger, I jump at the opportunity to be on top, I abuse my power through not supporting them as myself within equality but rather dismissing them, keeping them down, to experience the energetic high of being superior, as temporary as it may be. I realize that in fact I do it all from a starting point of covering up / hiding my own inferiority complex, but that is just a justification, an excuse I tell myself to make it OK, while I am in fact allowing myself to participate in inequality, as a form of abuse, as subtle or extreme as it may be.
So, why do I fear being judged? In essence, I fear receiving the same treatment, I fear being on the other side, I fear receiving that which I have given within my participation within/as judgment of others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards being corrected within the idea that when I am being corrected I am being judged as wrong/stupid/slow/incompetent, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect between being corrected and being judged, thus not allowing myself to be here and hear the correction because I automatically go into my mind and try to analyze what the other is thinking of me, thus not allowing myself to practically implement the correction that is being suggested, within this, I commit myself to, when being corrected, when I see myself going into fear of judgment, to stop and breathe, to allow myself to listen unconditionally to what is being said to me, and from a point of hearing what is being said here, to act within consideration of the practicality of the physical reality, and not allow myself to go into my mind as fear of judgment, as I realize it is an alternate reality, as an illusion, that I cannot trust as fact, as it is all self created and based on fears/beliefs/ideas, thus I support myself to be here and hear what is physically being said, and I apply myself within common sense, within the principle of what is best for all, without attaching any energetic reaction to it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see/define myself through what others think of me, and within this I haven't realized that what others actually think of me is their own self creation, based on their mind bubble they have created for themselves, and thus has nothing to do with me actually, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the idea that what others think of me actually has an impact on who I am, and within that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that by being directed by what others think of me, and I am allowing myself to fall in the mind's trap as being directed by what others are thinking of me instead of being self directive within/as breath, as who I am in the moment, it's funny really, because I realize they do not impact me with what they think unless I allow it to impact me, and then it does, through how I exist in fear of what they might think… it's crazy... Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that in most cases they are not even thinking of me what I think they are thinking of me, it is all created in my mind through projecting my own self judgment onto them, and then believing them to be judging me and fearing their judgment, while all along not seeing the point that if they were judging me, it wouldn't in fact reflect me, but rather them, and wither they are judging me or not, the fear of their judgment indicates my own self judgment, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my own self judgment from myself, as I do not accept myself unconditionally, as I judge myself for making mistakes and for being corrected as it indicates I have made a mistake, and thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself unconditionally and within that to project my self judgment onto others and allow myself to exist in fear that seams to me to be coming from "out there" when in fact I am the sole creator of it within/as myself as the mind, thus I commit myself to investigate all point of fear of judgment and take it back to self within realizing that it is all indicating points iwthin myself that I am judging myself for and thus not allowing myself to accept/love myself unconditionally as who I am as life, and as I have mentioned before, as I do not allow myself to accept myself, I hide myself from myself within judgment and thus sabotage myself from the possibility of self change into becoming a being that lives in self dignity/acceptance/trust, to allow myself to become a being that supports self as life and creates a world that is best for all, and not based on fears/self interest
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the fear of others judging me to such an extent that I experience myself frozen, as paralyzed, as not allowing myself to make any move as self expression due to fear of being judged, and within that not allowing myself to accept corrections/instructions even if they are completely "innocent" from a perspective that they simply are what they are, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fear of being seen as stupid/slow/inadequate direct me in such a way that I am in fact creating myself as slow/stupid/inadequate through my participation within/as the mind as fears instead of standing as life, and living here as breath in every moment
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Tuesday, November 6, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Within investigating the fear dimension of the character " I don't like being corrected / told what to do", I will now open up the point of the fear of being wrong
Why do I fear being wrong? What does it mean to me? What does being right mean to me? Why is it so important?
As I walk through out my day I carry around with me a baggage of knowledge and information which I have defined as valuable, as it creates my outlook of life, and in every chance I get, I bring out some "smart" remark to share with the company present. Some of these points I share I have not investigated so it's more hearsay, as something that I heard from someone, somewhere, and it stuck in my memory. In other situations I might have read it somewhere (which makes it seam more valid) but either way in most cases I haven't actually investigated the point for myself, and I basically just blurt it out as a knowing, as a fact, as a valid truth.
Why do I do it? For many reasons: to sound smart, interesting, knowledgeable, superior, a valuable part of the conversation - all stem from the main reason of the desire to be accepted, approved, loved, appreciated.
Many times I am challenged on what I say, as the information I bring into the conversation, as those around me may ask questions or have something to say that make what I said seam less valid/true, and in extreme cases it can go into argument where the other has a different idea/opinion/belief as they hold onto different information as valid, and now we are both holding on to our statement/truth and arguing about who is right/wrong - and I hate being wrong.
So, why do I fear being wrong? What is my reaction towards it? Well, for starters, it forces me to face the fact that I just say things that I cannot stand by, that I have not investigated, that can be undermined, that are not as true as I stated them to be - which brings up another interesting question as why do I say things I am not certain of… as I've written above, I do it to seam smart, interesting… so I'm putting on a show, an act, I'm living as a character in a play, trying to be something that I believe myself not to be. I react because I want to believe myself to be the character I have created myself as, I don't want my act to be exposed, not to others and not to myself, I will fight/argue to hold on to my opinion/idea/statement to prove myself right, as I am fighting for the survival of myself as the character. And again, I have created this character as myself to cover up the actuality of my beingness which is to believe that I am not all that, not smart, interesting, valuable…
So in essence, the fear of being wrong is the fear of losing myself as the character/personality I have created myself as, within the fear that if I lose this character the actuality of my beingness will be exposed, and since I have not walked myself into self acceptance/love I resent, I do not accept myself, and that is why I hide from myself through creating characters to survive through/as.
When I am being corrected, this point is triggered, as someone is showing me that that which I present myself as is false. I can react in two ways, I either go into ego as superior and attack with blame and spitefulness, or I would go to self diminshment and feel sorry for myself, in both cases I am actually acting out from a starting point of not accepting myself unconditionally, because if I would have I wouldn't need to validate myself through presenting knowledge, I wouldn't need to be validated through other's appreciation and approval.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being wrong, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as who I am according to wither I am wrong or right, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trap my own existence within the polarity of wrong/right, moving back and forth desiring the one and fearing the other, living within a constant state of energy through my own acceptance and creation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on knowledge and information instead of valuing life as what is practically here as the physical, not as an idea/opinion in my mind which is not and cannot be lived but only talked about as a way to create myself as a character to be accepted/approved/loved/appreciated within the starting point of not accepting/loving/appreciating myself for how I am as life, due to not allowing myself to self honestly know/be myself as life because I have blinded myself and forgotten myself within the constant participation within the mind as characters/personalities
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my knowledge and information to be true, as the truth, without having investigated it for myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the specific information that validates me within the created characters I have existed as and thus use information to build my character up in complete disregard of the actual truth of me and of the physical reality, but done from a starting point of self interest to make me more than, more powerful, more interesting, more smart, and within that to accumulate knowledge as points of power, that then when these points are challenged I go into the other side of the polarity as being exposed as less than, less smart, less interesting, less powerful, and thus have allowed myself to exist in the energy polarity of right/wrong
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I must impress those around me with interesting knowledge and information as to buy their acceptance, instead of allowing myself to accept myself, through gifting myself with the gift of forgiveness, as I forgive myself for separating me from myself, as I forgive myself for allowing myself to exist as energy instead of living here as breath, one and equal to/as/within myself, within/as the physical, as one and equal as life, I forgive myself for diminishing myself and limiting myself to exist as the mind instead of allowing myself to exist as breath, here as life, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as an idea, as a dream, instead of allowing myself to wake up and actually live as myself, within/as breath, as what is real as the physical body in this physical reality.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have been reacting to other people's comments/questions/challenges because I have not accepted myself, and thus have been seeking this acceptance else where, from an external source, instead of giving myself to myself within self honesty as this is who I am, and only through accepting myself and embracing myself for every part of me, can I then start to change myself within self direction and become that which I would want to pass on to my children, to become a being that supports all life within equality, a being that can be trusted, thus how can I trust myself if I don't accept myself and thus believe I have to justify everything I do because I know in my core that what I do is unacceptable, but here is the catch, I must accept myself as who I am within all that is unacceptable, to be able to forgive myself, to be able to change as what is best for all
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto knowledge and information as a point of self validation, as it gives me power, as knowledge is power, instead of finding this power within/as myself through being self honest in every breath, through knowing/facing who I am within every moment, to not be dependent on anything outside of me as information to validate me, but to live breath by breath, here, and to validate myself by the fact that I am here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the fear of being wrong, and within that, instead of seeing the point of the polarity that is fucking with me, to build up on top of the knowledge more layers of manipulation as I argue and fight in the name of my truths, instead of humbly quieting down within breath, and returning back here to my physical body, letting go of the energetic build up, and allowing myself to be here, within the understanding that being right/wrong doesn't define me, because it is based on the lie of the mind, it is based in energy, it is based in polarity, and thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to be directed in this physical reality by that which is an illusion, and thus allow the illusion to influence/control direct me within/as the physical reality, where I realize that the illusion is based on self interest/survival and thus manifests a reality, through my physical actions, as I participate within/as the illusion, that creates hell on earth as what we see around us today
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as characters/personalities, and within believing myself to be these characters/personalities I have created myself as, I allow myself to exist in constant fear of losing myself, not realizing that I cannot lose myself here in breath, because I am here in breath, I can only lose myself in the mind, as accepting myself as less than myself as life itself, but believing I am the limited and self created characters that are in fact programed and have no free choice, but are directed through fuzzy logic as each character knows how to behave in every given situation, beased on past memories, and thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to go into negative energetic reactions within fear of losing myself as the characters of the mind, instead of doing everything in my power to rid myself from these characters as they diminish the living force which is who I am as life, and diminish me to exist as a lie, as an act, as fake, as a character, as a scripted, lifeless character
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