Showing posts with label emotional manipulation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotional manipulation. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
I find that when I am placed with options, making a decision is hard for me. It's hard for a few reasons, I don't want to make the wrong choice, so I will avoid making the decision, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I will avoid making the decision and just wait for circumstances to direct me, I don't want to take responsibility as being accountable for the decision I had made so I will ovoid making the decision and I will pass on the decision to someone else, and so on and so forth.
There are so many points in my day where a direct decision is called for and as many as they are, are number of the excuses of avoidance - I realize this is a point of fear, as if it takes such courage to make a decision and I have been too much of a cowered, afraid of the consequences of the decision I make, but not considering the consequence of not making the decision, the consequence of not taking responsibility, the consequence of being directed by fear of conflict and emotional manipulation, the consequence of not allowing myself to be the directive principle within applying common sense within the principle of equality as what is best for all - instead I have been living that which supports and feeds my fears, as every time I avoid making a decision due to fear I am giving more power to my fears and taking away from my directive power, doing so within justifying it with all sorts of self definitions as I protect the personalities I believe myself to be, as I accept myself as limited to a specific personality, as I suppress myself to such an extent that I don't even know what I would chose if I would allow myself to be free to chose.
People talk about freedom, having free choice - but what choice have I ever utilized if I have always just been following my mind, from one emotional reaction to another, being directed by justifications, beliefs and fears - all within self interest as the interest of the mind, to keep me in the dark, blind to what is here as the physical as life, blind to myself, to keep me believing I am the mind as I identify with the thoughts, emotions and feeling that come up within me but not directly by me, yet I believe them to define me - all so that the mind can go on and survive while I don't allow myself to live. Such a fuck up - and I have been the one allowing it.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make decisions due to fear, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face the fact that I have never made a decision and have always ever only been directed by the mind as a lifeless puppet being told what to do and how to be by my thoughts, within self interest to "feel good" at the expense of not even living. What a price to pay….
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my desire to feel good and thus have always acted within this desire, thus not allowing myself to express myself in any way that might threaten my chances of feeling good, not realizing that not expressing myself is the highest price to pay as I have been paying with my life as who I am, and for what? For a momentary buzz of happiness that eventually goes away leaving me desiring more and more because I have diminished myself once again, suppressed myself once again for the sake of my addiction, leaving me with less than what I had as I have allowed myself to give my power away as the price of a momentary glimpse of happiness, not realizing that true happiness can only exist without fear and as the expression of self as happiness - without allowing myself the freedom of self expression, happiness will always be a fraction, an idea, an attempt, a cheap replacement for the real thing, that can only be achieved through self honesty in every moment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make decisions within the consideration of pleasing others and not hurting their feelings and thus compromising myself and not considering myself as who I am within self honesty, thus compromising life as I make a statement within my acceptance that I would expect others to compromise themselves for my emotional manipulations as well, and thus I am participating, creating and accepting a world where all compromise themselves and no one lives as who they are in self acceptance and acceptance of others, but a world of limitation, manipulation and compromise, a world of suppression where no one is actually living - I realize that as long as I don't will myself to correct this point I am giving my permission for all suppression to exist as I allow it to exist within me, giving permission to all emotional manipulation to exist as I am participating within it as I allow myself to be manipulated and directed by emotions - is this the world that I want for myself? Is this a world that I can trust to support all living beings? No - this is a world that thrives on self interest and fear - thus to stop this abuse and neglect of life I must start with myself.
I commit myself to investigate any point of avoidance, within investigating the trigger point as the why am I not allowing myself to express myself as the decision, and to walk the correction from self forgiveness into physical practical application
Sunday, October 21, 2012
continue from my previous blogs:
Day 59 - Redefining friendship
Day 60 - friendship - Part 2 - Care and Support
Day 61 - Friendship - Part 3 - Care and Support - Self Forgiveness
Day 62 - Friendship - Part 4 – Limitation
Day 63 - Friendship - Part 5 – Quality Time
Day 64 - Friendship - Part 6 - Quality time - Self Forgiveness
Day 65 - Friendship - Part 7 – Consumerism
Day 66 - Friendship - Part 8 - The Debt System
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to help/support my friends from a starting point of
expecting to get a pay back in the future, within this I forgive myself for not
accepting and allowing myself to be here in every
moment and direct myself to do everything I do within/as breath,
unconditionally, instead of imposing the past and the future on the moment that
is hereI commit myself to practice being here as breath when I do thing for people or in general, as to not do it from a starting point of paying off a debt from the past, or an expectation to be paid back in the future
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be nice to my friends within participating in being a good friends character, and within that not doing things unconditionally within a starting point of actually supporting them as myself in the moment, but from a starting point of a debt system, doing it for them now so that I can get something form them later, in addition to the good feeling I get for believing I am such a good friend for compromising/helping and not even making a big deal over it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional energy that comes along with the expectation/disappointment within the debt construct within friendships, as blame/shame/spitefulness etc.. ,I forgive myself not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by participating within the debt construct I am fueling the mind as I am adding unnecessary conflict to my life
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath if/when I see myself going into the debt construct, to support myself with bringing myself back here, to stop the backchat, to breathe, I commit myself to investigate each specific point that opens up within the debt construct within writing out the point and walking it through self forgiveness until the point is clear, and I commit myself to within each point, draw the path before me through corrective statement as to insure I do not fall in the same point again
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceit myself and my friends as myself within presenting myself as a caring/supportive friends while all along keeping score as to see who owes what/how much to whom, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually care for/support my friends unconditionally because I have always been keeping score, making sure I am not the one in debt, and if I would find myself in debt I would act to pay it back within a starting point of clearing my debt and at the same time to deliberately create situations that I place others in debt towards me in my mind, through holding on to the point of debt in memory and thus living the past/future instead of being here in every moment as breath
I commit myself to stopping myself from participating within/as the debt system of the friendship construct, through the support of breath if/when I see myself keeping score, thus I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself do something from a starting point of expecting there to be a pay back, and within this I commit myself to stopping myself within/as breath when I see myself doing something within a starting point of paying my debt, I realize that by participating within/as the debt system I am diminishing myself and the beings around me, through not allowing us to communicate here but always bringing up and living in the past as memory, and in the future as expectation.
I forgive myself for accepting ad allowing myself to use the friendship construct as a format of competition through keeping score and thus to do what I can to be the winner which means to make the other as the loser, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the abusive nature of the debt system, making one dependent on and in debt to another, thus participating with and creating power/control/superiority instead of doing what is best for all within stopping such abuse from existing within myself and thus within the world as a whole, and to actually support myself and those around me through not living in the past as memory or in the future as expectation, as I realize past/future exist only in the mind, and thus are not real as the physical, as breath, here
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the debt system within friendships is based on lack of effective communication where one expresses to the other why they will or will not do something, and within this point I see that if they are expecting something in return it should be agreed on within clear communication and acceptance of both sides, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to practice and participate within effective communication because I have allowed myself to live in fear of being exposed as who I am within my hidden mind, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live within self shame as a starting point of who I am within believing that the who I am within the back chat of the hidden mind is too shameful to share, and thus I have allowed myself to instead of correcting myself when/if necessary, to deceive myself and those around me and as consequence have created more conflict within myself and without as the communication with the other, through participating/accepting the debt system without questioning it to see if it's valid as a construct to exist within relationships
I commit myself , when I am asked to do something, to take a breath and actually give myself a moment to see/decide if I am willing to do this or not, within this I commit myself to base my decision on what is here now, and not project into the future expectations to hold as debt, within this I commit myself to communicate to the other if I do have any expectations and to come to an agreement as to wither it is valid and accepted on both or not
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the entire construct of friendships is based on debt as within the mere expectation of the other to "be my friend", each with their own definition of it, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "lone" my friendship to my friends within the expectation that they will pay me back with their friendship towards me, as that is what will make us friends, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be friends with all beings in existence as equals, where as the reason being that the ones that I don't "chose" as my friends - I don't expect to get anything out of them, and thus I am not their friend because there is nothing in it for me, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the entire construct of friendship is based solely on self interest and the living proof of it is that we are not friends with every one equally, we chose our friends to serve our needs, such as to feed our personalities or the idea that we are good/friendly people, or the belief we are protected and taken care of, because we have realized that we live in a cruel and evil world, that if we don't have anyone to take care of us we will not survive, yet we accept and allow others that are not our friends to walk around unprotected because they have nothing to give us in return to our friendship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat some people better/different than others based on who I define as my friend, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change as I present a different personality depending on which friend/person I am communicating with, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be the totality of me within self honest self expression with every one I am in communication with and in every moment of every breath
I commit myself to investigate all personalities I go into and participate with, within my friendships and with people that I don't define as my friend, and within that I commit myself to stop myself from participating within/as personalities and allow myself to be here, stable and equal within/as every moment of every breath, through a process of writing myself within self forgiveness and corrective statement, to allow myself to see the self deception/manipulation I have participated with from a starting point of self interest, and to correct myself as what is best for ALL and not limit myself to living as what is best just for myself and my friends because I realize there can be no equality if I limit myself to just those that serve my self interest, thus I commit myself to, within breath, let go of my self interests, one point at a time, through realizing that the "highest" interest is that which is best for all, and thus I will not stop until I am equal within all my relationships and within all communications, stable as breath, here as life
For Further Support, Please check out Links:
Desteni
Desteni Wiki
Desteni Forum
Desteni I Process
Equal Money System
Journey to Life Group
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Creation's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to LIfe
Earth's Journey to Life
Saturday, October 20, 2012
continue from my previous blogs:
Day 59 - Redefining friendship
Day 60 - friendship - Part 2 - Care and Support
Day 61 - Friendship - Part 3 - Care and Support - Self Forgiveness
Day 62 - Friendship - Part 4 – Limitation
Day 63 - Friendship - Part 5 – Quality Time
Day 64 - Friendship - Part 6 - Quality time - Self Forgiveness
Day 65 - Friendship - Part 7 - Consumerism
So, here's a scenario to look at - I do something for my friend, lets say help them move their apartment, just because they asked me to and I didn't want to say no, I didn't really mind troubling myself but it did feel like a compromise and I noted it to myself that I'm doing it for them because we are friends, and that's what caring friends do. But I don't do it unconditionally, this event is registered, and goes into the calculation books in my mind and waits there quietly for an opportunity to open up the books with an expectation of pay back, while in the mean while accumulating similar events as they come along, and adjust the debt accordingly in my mind.
Then, after some time, there might be a situation where I am need of some help, or want something to be specifically as I want it to be, so I will find myself asking something of my friend, at times I won't even ask but expect them to know what I want/need, and, since I have accumulated all this debt in my behalf, they should be willing and wanting to do things for me - it's pay back time.
So from my perspective this friend now owes me and I would like them to "pay me back" when it suites me, and if they don't "feel like" doing whatever I want or simply can’t assist me at that very moment, I would react within blame, comparison, self victimization, self righteousness, spitefulness, and revenge - because "the owe me", "I am entitled to receiving this help from them"
I would blame them for not being a good friend with back chat as: "why don't they want to do things for me like I do for them, why am I always doing things for them, even when I don't want to, just because I'm a good friend, but they wont do the same for me", then I will turn to spitefulness and revenge as I lash out at them, using emotional manipulation to maybe get them to change their minds, or at least feel bad for not doing what I want, and I prepare myself within my mind as planning the next time they ask for something, I tell myself within myself, there's no way I will do it for them, even if it's not a problem for me, even if I can easily help... this is thus one side of the debt game within friendships, the side of the giver/helper, the one with the perception of power as they the other has debt towards them.
On the other side of the debt system, there is the side receiving the assistance, and thus owing the debt, and they might now feel in debt to the friend who gave them the support, they might try hard to show their support back to their friends whenever they can, to maybe mark off a few points in the growing debt, they might become spiteful towards their friend because they believe their friends is the reason they are feeling in debt to them, so they end up resenting the friend that is helping them.
One must realize that this debt is an illusion created within ones mind where one calculates all acts and actions and accumulates debt for oneself and the other, while within this process of debt accumulation, there is no actual agreement between the two through communication in regards to the debt and how it is going to be paid off, it is all hidden within ones secret mind and assumed to be real as a part of a "fair"/mutual friendship".
Another point within the friendship debt, is that there is an initial assumption that you have to do things for your friends just because they are your friends, by being friends there is a hidden agreement that it's OK to expect things from one another, things that haven't been agreed on specifically, so basically, what it means is that you can expect from a friend to do something, because it seams like something small enough to expect, and then, if the friend refuse to comply, you would go into disappointment because you had expected them to participate, and from disappointment you can go to spitefulness, and revenge, while within this you are not actually considering your friend within finding out why they cannot help out, and in some cases if you do find out you will convince yourself it's is a justification made by them to get out of why they didn't help you, not realizing what you are doing at the very moment is justifying to yourself the disappointment/spitefulness you have been participating with.
The debt construct of friendship can be found in every relationship, where we expect things from one another, we do things for one another, but within that we almost never actually to it unconditionally within/as the moment, within/as breath, as a self movement self directed decision, doing as so that once the moment has gone - that's it, it's done with, it's behind us. No. we do it always based on self interest and fear, within holding on to it as a charged memory, accumulating it as debt.
Self Forgiveness and Corrective Statement in the following blog to come
For Further Support, Please check out Links:
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
continue from my previous blogs:
Day 59 - Redefining friendship
Day 60 - friendship - Part 2 - Care and Support
Day 61 - Friendship - Part 3 - Care and Support - Self Forgiveness
Day 62 - Friendship - Part 4 - Limitation
Usually spending time together with a friend will include participating in some sort of activity such as going out to a bar, seeing a movie, playing pool, having lunch, drinking coffee, going dancing, taking a walk, watching a game, going to the beach, engaging in conversation… whatever it is, it seams like there is often some sort of external entertainment that goes hand in hand with the friendship.
In some cases spending time together could be actually communicating as having a talk, on the phone or face to face, and actually sharing what is going on in each other's lives, which then in most cases would activate the caring and supportive characters within justifying and supporting each other's personalities, as I have mentioned in my previous blogs. In other cases the time spent together can be seen as a form of entertainment, just doing something together, like the friendships the platform to do things, so it's not so much about the friendship/communication/intimacy, but rather about the activity and the togetherness, as in not doing it alone.
Having to participate in an activity, as having external stimulation, seams to be a form of separation, like creating an intentional wall between the two friends, as having a safe zone, having an escape route from actual intimacy, and within this I can see the different types of friendships coming up, where with a "close" friend this wall isn't as needed, and more often friends would engage in actual sharing intimate communication, and with not so close friends, more often than not, the time spent together would be around such activities as I have mentioned above.
One must ask oneself, while spending so much time together with a friend, how much time is actually spent in building intimate communication? Close to none. I mean, really, most of the time, most of the conversations, it's not about who we really are, it's about our personalities/characters we have accepted ourselves as, it's about supporting/justifying/protecting each others characters through either care and support or through competition and spitefulness, anything to distract ourselves from being here, as breath, as who we are as life, anything to distract ourselves from ourselves, from actually facing ourselves within self honesty. I mean, friendships could have been so much more than what they are, they could be a truly great foundation for self exploration within self support, while sharing with each other the self realizations and supporting each other to go deeper within ourselves, to assist each other to face ourselves within taking self responsibility for who we are and just be here together, walking the process of life together, but instead it is a place to hide from ourselves through entertainment, while participating in consumerism at it's finest, existing in a bubble that separate us, within our friendship from the rest of the world, including ourselves and each other.
Within the point of spending time together, I see three points: one is the resistance of doing things alone, and thus one would require friends to share interests with so one would have someone to do these activities with, the other point is consumerism, because most of these activities that friends do together, cost money, such as going to the movies, having a drink, going dancing, going to a concert, and I haven't even mentioned yet the "gift" industry as for holidays and birthdays… and the third point is the main deception of friendships, disguising itself behind the mask of support while actually doing the opposite, as supporting the self deception, supporting the separation from ourselves, supporting the characters and personalities, instead of supporting ourselves as life within equality and oneness, instead of using the equality equation as 1+1=2 to manifest together more as what is best for all than what we could on our own. It's a shame really…
Just to be clear within myself, it's not that friendships are bad, but they have been misused, and instead of standing as support of each other to become a more effective beings, it has been corrupted through the participation of limitation, manipulation, self interest, and over all really not supporting each other, not using this platform of communication to support each other to bring about a world worth living for all, I mean, if friendships are used just for self interest, or as a way to hide from ourselves, as a way to express/participate within our power games, as a way to justify ourselves and validate ourselves as the mind as personalities, as characters… then yes, friendships are not worth having, they are abusive and causing harm/suffering as they are keeping us further away from ourselves and further away from each other as equal being sharing this earth together.
But friendships don't have to be this way, it's up to us, we can utilize the power of communication to the best interest of all, we can use the platform that friendship provides to change ourselves, to support ourselves as life. It's up to us, which actually means, that within my relationships, it's up to me.
still more to come, stay tuned…
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Sunday, September 30, 2012
this is a follow up to my previous blogs:
Day 44 - Depression - Part 2 - The Cycle of Worthlessness
Day 45 - Depression - Part 3 - Positive Reinforcement
Self Forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dependent on positive reinforcement to be able to assess myself and recognize if I'm on the right track, within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself within not trusting myself to know within myself within/as self honesty if I'm in the "right direction" so to speak
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect to receive positive reinforcement when I do things as I should and I haven't realized the impracticality of such an expectation, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the world doesn't revolve around me and thus when I do things as I should there isn't a committee set up to applaud me, within this I realize I have been programmed to believe I am special and loved through positive reinforcement and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept such construct as program to exist within me, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the inherent limitation I have accepted as myself through the expectation for positive reinforcement and I haven't allowed myself to see the influence this construct has had on my life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to positive reinforcement as the positive feeling I would get when being positively reinforced, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within being addicted to positive reinforcement, as with any addiction, I am not self directive because I will do anything as manipulation/deception to get the high positive energy, and will lash out on beings that don't supply my drug as positive reinforcement
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lash out at beings, in words or in my mind, for not giving me positive reinforcement as the drug I crave, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify the lashing out at others through the belief/desire they should give me positive reinforcement, and within that I have created a belief that they are going through a ego problem for not giving me the positive reinforcement I believe I deserve
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame beings that don't give me the positive reinforcement that I believe I require in order to define myself as positive, and within going into blame I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind as back chat compounding the blame and justification, instead of realizing that like any addict I am responding through/as the addiction and thus cannot be trusted until I detoxify all the drug out of my system, through not allowing myself to accept positive reinforcement until I am satisfied that I can stand stable without it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in my mind, spite/revenge beings when they do not supply me with the positive reinforcement I am expecting and within that to allow myself to be nasty in my thoughts within the justification that "they deserve it" for not giving me my drug, and besides "I am not harming anybody" because it's only in my mind, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate within self honesty the consequences of participating within/as thoughts and to simply allow myself to participate with them, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the direct outflow of my participation with spiteful/revengeful thoughts as lashing out towards the other being in my mind, as the direct outflow is my allowing and accepting myself to abuse through first allowing spiteful thoughts to then allow spiteful words and then spiteful deeds towards them disregarding them as life simply because they haven't supplied me with the "hit" of positive reinforcement I was looking for
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be positively reinforced instead of pushing myself to stand as self support and stability within not needing others to validate/confirm me because I would be stable within/as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be special and within that to expect everyone around me to be so impressed with me when I do things as I should, instead of looking at it within practicality as when things are done as they should be why would anything need to be mentioned, expecting a remark when I do things as I should implies that I do not expect myself to do as I should and that I expect my environment not to expect me to do as I should, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within the expectation to receive a positive reinforcement I am implying that I do not actually expect me to succeed in what I am doing, and thus within it hide a form of self belittlement, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive positive reinforcement as a positive construct of support and I haven't seen that within it there is an implication of diminishment as an initial expectation for failure and thus a surprise as support when succeed, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the deceptive nature within positive reinforcement as a construct to keep being within a self belief of not being good enough and thus require the positive reinforcement, instead of giving actual support as suggestions for improvement within an expectation for perfection
Self Commitment 
I commit myself to, through a process of writing myself out within self forgiveness and self corrective statements, to establish self trust within myself, within this I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath from relying on positive reinforcements to "tell" me who I am and within that to "know if I'm on the right track" but instead to know who I am as myself within self honesty
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself in search of external validation
I commit myself to stop the addiction to positive reinforcement through the realization that it is in fact a self diminishing construct and I will not allow myself to participate within it anymore, thus I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I see myself fall into the pattern of desire for positive reinforcement
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when and as I see myself go into thoughts/desires of being special/the center of the universe, within this I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself going into back chat as expectation/blame for not getting the positive reinforcement I believe I should get, within this I realize the extent programming I have accepted due to my participation within/as positive reinforcement and I commit myself to stop myself within giving others positive reinforcement because I see the destructive/abusive nature of such a construct
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself lashing out at other being, within words or in the mind, for not giving me positive reinforcement and instead I commit myself to see such points as a gift given to self by them, a gift that allows me to assess myself if/where I can expand my application more, as well as to see if the desire for positive reinforcement still exists within/as me, to notice that, and forgive myself within/as self support, within that I commit myself to practice gratefulness towards beings that do not give me positive reinforcement because through them I can see my addiction and walk through it
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath from participating within/as positive reinforcement, within this I commit myself to stop myself when/as I see myself going into manipulation to try and get positive reinforcement from those around me, when/as I see myself trying to get positive reinforcement I stop and breath, I bring myself back here, and remind myself that the positive feeling is an energetic experience as a drug to an addict and is not real as life, and thus I do not in fact require it, I commit myself to, through breath, bring myself here and prove to myself again and again that all I require is being here within breath.
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself giving others or about to give others positive reinforcement, I commit myself to find within/as myself the practical wording to actually support the being and not use positive reinforcement just because it feels nice, but to consider the other as well as myself and to stop myself from participating within the construct of positive reinforcement
I commit myself to through writing and practical common sense to learn how to support another as myself within stopping myself as the pattern of giving/desiring positive reinforcement and instead to focus on the practical physicality to direct any situation within support
I commit myself to investigate thoughts and the consequences of thoughts as to not allow myself to excuse myself from taking responsibility for my thoughts through the participation within ignorance as the excuse that "it's not harming anyone" without actually taking the time and walking the process of investigating all thoughts to be able to make that statement
I commit myself to stop myself from making assumptions without investigating the point for myself in fact, as the assumption of "thoughts can't hurt/harm anyone"
I commit myself, within realizing the direct outflow of thoughts being words/deeds, to stop myself within/as breath when and as I see myself participate within thoughts of spite/revenge towards others for not giving me the energetic high I wanted for my addiction of positive reinforcement
I commit myself to excellence and perfection, within this I commit myself to do things to the fullest and not allow myself to accept anything less than 100%, within this I realize the advantage of not getting positive reinforcement as it supports mediocrity as a form of saying "it's good enough". Thus I commit myself to stop myself within breath when I see myself accepting mediocrity as accepting from myself less than my full application according to the moment within common sense and self honesty
I commit myself to myself, I commit myself to establishing self trust through writing, self forgiveness, corrective statement and walking the correction within and as breath, day by day, breath by breath
Saturday, July 14, 2012
this is a continuation of my previous blog: Day 18 - Sister character – part 1
I
forgive for accepting and allowing myself to submit myself to the sister
character wherein doing so I submit my sister in the sister character as well,
thus due to my participation within/as the sister character I trap us both as
characters, living in the past, basing our communication on memories of events
and how we reacted to them based on the characters we accepted at the time, and
thus creating a vast/complex sister character existing through our
participation with all these other characters and memories of them.
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards my sister through/as
the character of "I deserve this" and thus when she didn't act
according to what I think/believe I deserve I would allow myself to become
spiteful towards her, and create a dynamic/even/memory for us to duplicate time
and time again, every time I believe she is depriving me from what I deserve
I
commit myself to when experiencing myself going into the character of "I
deserve this" with my sister, I stop myself and breathe, I check my
starting point and looking within myself to see what in fact I am reacting
towards - is this "I deserve this" a basic right that we all deserve
as equals and if so act on it within breathe and not from reaction, or is this
"I deserve this" exposing self-interest within superiority and desire
to be special and get special attention, and if so I stop myself, as I don't
accept myself to participate in such construct/characters that manifest abuse
and other consequences that are not best for all due to having a self-interest
starting point
I
commit myself to stopping myself within breath as self-support, when going into
reaction towards my sister within re-creating the character of "I am not getting
(she is not giving me) what I deserve" and instead to allow myself to be
humble within the notion that I am not special, I am equal to her, and my
desires are simply desires and do not stand as what is desired by all as what
is best for all
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards my sister
within/as the character of "I don't know what to say" based on passed
memory of saying something and not accepting her reaction as valid, and thus
with time I have created myself as fearful of her 'unexpected reactions towards
me' due to taking her reactions personally and allowing them to 'shut me down'.
Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience
myself as shutting down due to her reactions, not allowing myself to stand by
what I say and thus creating a character of "Fear to express myself"
due to not allowing myself to stand as what I say in fear of the reaction that might
be coming my way, due to taking the reaction personally. While not realizing
that any reaction from another is towards themselves and I am merely a
reflection supporting them to see themselves and thus I should not take it
personally. within the realization above, I forgive myself for not accepting
and allowing myself to realize that it is best for all, as supporting both of
us, to express myself in spite of the fear of what the reaction will be, thus pushing
myself to walk through the fear of "I fear to express myself because I
fear unexpected/undesirable reactions towards me" to allow myself to stand
as what I say and build myself as self-trust and self-stability, not allowing
anything less than who I am , not allowing myself to be directed by fears that
are created to trap me in the character but rather to allow myself to actually
be free of all characters and to live as self, while at the same time allowing
the other to see themselves as well, through their reaction to what I am
saying, and thus to stop supporting their character by playing along as we both
support our characters and trap ourselves in them forever.
I commit
myself to push myself to speak up and express myself and push through the fear
of her reaction, I commit myself to stand as/behind my words and to stop myself
within/as breath from manipulating myself to suppress myself due to a momentary
illusion that I am supporting myself or her for not speaking up/expressing
myself, not realizing that I am only supporting the characters I have created,
thus I stop my participation with the "I fear speaking up because I fear
her reaction" character through speaking up within and as breath, making
sure within self-honesty that I am speaking from self-expression and not from a
starting point of reaction/spitefulness/comparison/judgment… making sure I am
here, one and equal to/as the words I speak, to then be able to stand as them
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself towards my sister within/as
reaction, and within/as spitefulness, not allowing myself to actually see the
point I am reacting to but instead to react and to create through my reaction the
outflow we are well familiar with as the sister character we participate in, I forgive
myself for not allowing myself to see, realize and understand that when talking
within reaction I am already creating the outflow of our dynamic, and that from
the starting point of my own reaction I have already started the time line of
my sister and I going into our characters as tension/suspicions within our
dynamic/communication, thus I realize that in order to take self-responsibility
and stop this dance I must stop myself as reaction towards her, and instead of
reacting I must breathe and reconnect with my body to support me with stopping
my reaction.
I commit
myself to stopping myself as reaction towards y sister within breath, within
realizing that by speaking to her within reaction I am creating the outflow of
tense communication that leads to spitefulness and mutual/self-abuse, instead
of allowing us to communicate within/as support towards ourselves and each other
as what is best for all, to stop fighting and ego/power games
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