Showing posts with label permission. Show all posts
Showing posts with label permission. Show all posts
Saturday, July 20, 2013
I just realized that I have been trying to be obedient all my life, trying to "please the master" to get the approval of the authority. Not wanting to get in trouble and experiencing myself as being watched, as if "big brother" will see if I stray from the suggested path and will be punished.
When I was young I would call my dad to tell him I was skipping school, I saw it as an act of responsibility but really it was an act of abdicating responsibility, my rational was that if I get in real trouble it's good they know where I am, because I’m just a kid, but really I was too afraid of making the decision and standing by it without the OK of my dad, so in essence I asked for his approval so I wouldn't bare the weight of the decision to "do something wrong" by myself.
Many times I will ask for permission, just to be sure, while others around me would have just gone ahead and done it, and then when I receive a negative answer to my request I have a valid excuse not to step out of my comfort zone and do it, because "now I can't do it because I had asked directly and was disapproved, so I cannot" while the reason I didn't go ahead and do it to begin with was not because I actually thought it was wrong, but because I know "they" might think it is wrong and then I will not have their acceptance and approval, and that always had more value than going ahead and doing what I want, expressing myself and enjoying myself. I always wanted to be seen in a good light.
Now I am facing a similar point - I want to do things the right way, as I was taught to do them, but at times I question what I have learned and want to apply myself in another way - then comes up a point of trusting myself enough to “defy my teacher”, because if I do it my way I am the sole responsible for my actions, whereas when I follow their instructions I can always blame them for me not succeeding, so I know that if I do it my way it’s all on my shoulders, whether I make it or not, and to add to this point then there is that other point of approval, where I want the teacher / instructor to approve my way and say "yes, sure go ahead with it" as if asking for permission to explore my own self expression, to take risks and learn from my own mistakes - and I also realize there is a fine line somewhere between not allowing myself to follow instructions because of ego as wanting to do things my way, and not following instructions in a starting point of over coming the fear of taking full responsibility for my actions. so I guess I’m still struggling to actually see clearly the entity of my starting point within it all.
I have been working with a someone that is creative and exploring options that I am reluctant to explore because they are beyond the suggested realm, and I don't want to be spotted out as going beyond the suggested instructions, i want to be obedient, but at the same time I admire this other person for feeling so free to explore and that indicates to me that I have been limiting myself from expressing and exploring myself due to fear, and thus I realize that I must explore both new avenues, I must allow myself to follow instructions as to make sure I am not directed by my ego within the desire to be special and do things MY way, I must also allow myself to explore new avenues and to overcome the fear of being looked upon badly by the teacher / instructor / authority, I must also allow myself to explore and take full responsibility for the consequences whether "good" or "bad", because once I stand alone beyond the suggested territory I must be able to stand clear within myself and know for myself why I chose this path, to be able to trust myself that regardless the outcome I will not regret the way - and whatever happens to learn from it and apply myself then from within my new learning and realizations, to the best of my ability in that moment, within understanding that with every “mistake” i grow and learn and expand my understanding so next time i can take a different more effective route – but i must learn through expressing, exploring, falling and learning.
I feel confused because I have created such a complex web of dishonesty that no matter in which direction I take a step in, I am facing fears and reactions and thus now see to what extent I have been motivated by fears and reactions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell the authority that I am doing something else than suggested within a starting point of asking for their approval and validation and thus not taking full responsibility, thus, when and as I see myself informing an authority of my actions while not asking for feedback or help but just informing them, I stop myself and breathe, I realize this is a point of deliberate manipulation rather than direct communication – thus, i stop myself in breathe as I do not allow myself to share with them from within the starting point of not taking self responsibility for my actions, within this I allow myself to evaluate the situation and to see if I am not willing to take responsibility I must look at the risk involved and reconsider whether what I am about to do is within common sense and the starting point of what is best for all or is it just acting out a desire that might lead to consequences. And so I breathe and slow myself down, and make a clear decision within and as myself whether I am standing behind my actions or not, and accordingly I act, within taking full responsibility and allowing myself to be accountable for my actions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being caught as doing something else than suggested, and thus will not allow myself to explore new ways and perhaps find practical alternatives, not allowing myself to make it "my own" within adding myself as my own self expression into the activity, and so, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to restrict myself and suppress myself from expressing myself and bringing myself in my true totality, I forgive myself for not allowing myself to contribute through my ideas and expression and exploration because I have not allowed myself to step beyond the accepted and agreed upon territory, and thus I have deprived myself from the opportunity of self expression and exploration and have deprived those around me from whatever idea I might have had that could benefit all, just because I fear being seen in a bad light, not realizing that those seeing me in a bad light which I fear and avoid their judgments are not actually judging me but themselves, and those who are not judging themselves will find a supportive way to show me if I am out of sink or am doing anything that is not practical or supportive, and thus I realize that the only way I can actually get the support of others is if I allow myself to step out of the confinements of approved territory so that I can either grow and expand or make mistakes and learn from the correction - but from suppression I will not learn a thing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to do things my way because of ego as wanting to be special and take all the credit, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that doing things "my way" just for self interest is not valid, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value the experience of others and allow myself to walk the repaved paths, not blindly but with open eyes, to be able to only once I have tried and openly seen where that path leads, to then practice critical reasoning and apply myself accordingly as allowing myself to be part of the accumulation of knowledge that has created our world, and thus to contribute not within ego but within practicality and from actual experience and personal knowledge
Thursday, October 11, 2012
continue from previous blogs:
Day 51 - Blame character – Part 1
Day 52 - Blame character - Part 2 - Reacting to Tonality - Self Forgiveness
Day 53 - Blame character - Part 3 - Reacting to Tonality - Self Commitments
Day 54 - Blame Character - Part 4 - Being Repeatedly Attacked – Self Forgiveness
Day 55 - Blame Character - Part 5 - Being Repeatedly Attacked - Self Commitments
Day 56 - Blame Character - Part 6 – Enslaving Myself
and another related blog: Day 26 - Wanting to be accepted
Through out this point of looking at the Blame Character, I recognize that I have a desire to be seen in a specific "light", while within the point of experiencing myself as I'm being attacked I feel like I am not seen as I desire to be seen and there is a fear within that as to how others will see me as
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be seen in a specific light so to speak, to be seen as a good/caring/intelligent/funny/interesting person, within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place more value/attention/effort towards how people see me rather than actually living as the ideal that I want to be seen as
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on an ideal that I have created in my mind, not realizing that this ideal I desire to be has been programmed into me as the society's value system, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate the implications of participating/allowing such values to direct me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by society's value system as the desire to seen as a good/caring/intelligent/funny/interesting person, and I have not realized that within that I am defining those with these characters as more valuable/worthy than those without, and within that I am allowing myself and society as myself to be the judge all mighty, deciding who is worthy of the title of being a good/caring/intelligent/funny/interesting person and who isn't, and thus to deem them as unworthy of social appreciation and thus support, in other words banning/excluding them from society, which in turn translates into the ability to survive
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that by allowing myself to judge myself and others based on society's value system that I have accepted as my own, I am giving permission to separation within forming a defining line between those that make it and those that don't, and within accepting such a line to exist as an outflow of society's value system, I have allowed myself to exist in fear of being on the "wrong side if the line" and to as a result not receive social appreciation and support, within this I forgive myself for not seeing, realizing and understanding the implication of such a line as separating between those with the "right" social skills and those without, as a life or death sentence, where those who do not hold these skills are pushed aside from society and are disregarded and ignored, and thus do not have an equal chance to have a fulfilled and dignified life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged by others, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself without judgment and thus fear the judgment of others because I have made others the judge of me as they have the eyes to see if I am worthy to be accepted or not, and thus when I perceive my place in society is threatened through a remark/comment stating I am not aligned with society's values I react in anger and blame because I fear being disregarded and ignored as I have disregarded and ignored those that I have judged as unworthy, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard and ignore others that don't fit my value system that I have accepted from society, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the immense abuse and harm created by a value system that is based on judgment and separation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in fear of being seen as one of those that is judge as unworthy for social appreciation and within that to create myself as an act, to be sure that I follow the social value system and appear to be what I perceive society expects of me to be, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lash out at people that see/judge me as anything other than how I desire to be seen, as a good/caring/intelligent/funny/interesting person, and to then react within fear of being an outcast of society for not standing in the standard society has created and I have accepted to be valid, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself the fear of being an outcast and instead transform and project it onto the other in a form of blame, as I blame them for seeing through the act that I put on, and thus as I am threatened by them for blowing my cover, I attack them with blame, while experiencing it as they have attacked me by defining me as that which is unacceptable by society, within that hiding from myself all the layer of who I am as fear/judgment/blame so that I can go on believing that I am a good/caring/intelligent/funny/interesting person while all along I have manipulated myself and all those around within the situation by putting on this act just to be accepted by society, and not allowing me to live as myself within self expression as I fear revealing myself for who I really am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dependent on society's acceptance within a belief that I must be accepted to survive, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that experiencing myself as accepted, must start with self acceptance, and thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as who I am without judgment because I have already accepted the value system of society and within that have accepted and allowed myself to define myself through judgment as unworthy and thus must hide myself within acting as a character that society will approve, not realizing that this is all due to my acceptance of society's value system, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go of society's value system and to actually get to know myself for who I actually am, without judgment, and within knowing myself to be able to take responsibility for who I am and change myself, not as society's value system, as it is based on polarity and creates separation and abuse, but on common sense within what is best for all through honoring myself as life, and respecting all life
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take on society's value system as my own value system, while not allowing myself to investigate all points and outflows of such a value system, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the abuse within the separation that society create through it's value system, as well as the abuse I create within accepting the value system of society as my own, through defining people as better/worse depending on their expression and skills
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