Saturday, July 20, 2013

Day 217 - Obedience

I just realized that I have been trying to be obedient all my life, trying to "please the master" to get the approval of the authority. Not wanting to get in trouble and experiencing myself as being watched, as if "big brother" will see if I stray from the suggested path and will be punished.


When I was young I would call my dad to tell him I was skipping school, I saw it as an act of responsibility but really it was an act of abdicating responsibility, my rational was that if I get in real trouble it's good they know where I am, because I’m just a kid, but really I was too afraid of making the decision and standing by it without the OK of my dad, so in essence I asked for his approval so I wouldn't bare the weight of the decision to "do something wrong" by myself.


Many times I will ask for permission, just to be sure, while others around me would have just gone ahead and done it, and then when I receive a negative answer to my request I have a valid excuse not to step out of my comfort zone and do it, because "now I can't do it because I had asked directly and was disapproved, so I cannot" while the reason I didn't go ahead and do it to begin with was not because I actually thought it was wrong, but because I know "they" might think it is wrong and then I will not have their acceptance and approval, and that always had more value than going ahead and doing what I want, expressing myself and enjoying myself. I always wanted to be seen in a good light.


Now I am facing a similar point - I want to do things the right way, as I was taught to do them, but at times I question what I have learned and want to apply myself in another way - then comes up a point of trusting myself enough to “defy my teacher”, because if I do it my way I am the sole responsible for my actions, whereas when I follow their instructions I can always blame them for me not succeeding, so I know that if I do it my way it’s all on my shoulders, whether I make it or not, and to add to this point then there is that other point of approval, where I want the teacher / instructor to approve my way and say "yes, sure go ahead with it" as if asking for permission to explore my own self expression, to take risks and learn from my own mistakes - and I also realize there is a fine line somewhere between not allowing myself to follow instructions because of ego as wanting to do things my way, and not following instructions in a starting point of over coming the fear of taking full responsibility for my actions. so I guess I’m still struggling to actually see clearly the entity of my starting point within it all.


I have been working with a someone that is creative and exploring options that I am reluctant to explore because they are beyond the suggested realm, and I don't want to be spotted out as going beyond the suggested instructions, i want to be obedient, but at the same time I admire this other person for feeling so free to explore and that indicates to me that I have been limiting myself from expressing and exploring myself due to fear, and thus I realize that I must explore both new avenues, I must allow myself to follow instructions as to make sure I am not directed by my ego within the desire to be special and do things MY way, I must also allow myself to explore new avenues and to overcome the fear of being looked upon badly by the teacher / instructor / authority, I must also allow myself to explore and take full responsibility for the consequences whether "good" or "bad", because once I stand alone beyond the suggested territory I must be able to stand clear within myself and know for myself why I chose this path, to be able to trust myself that regardless the outcome I will not regret the way - and whatever happens to learn from it and apply myself then from within my new learning and realizations, to the best of my ability in that moment, within understanding that with every “mistake” i grow and learn and expand my understanding so next time i can take a different more effective route – but i must learn through expressing, exploring, falling and learning.


I feel confused because I have created such a complex web of dishonesty that no matter in which direction I take a step in, I am facing fears and reactions and thus now see to what extent I have been motivated by fears and reactions.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell the authority that I am doing something else than suggested within a starting point of asking for their approval and validation and thus not taking full responsibility, thus, when and as I see myself informing an authority of my actions while not asking for feedback or help but just informing them, I stop myself and breathe, I realize this is a point of deliberate manipulation rather than direct communication – thus, i stop myself in breathe as I do not allow myself to share with them from within the starting point of not taking self responsibility for my actions, within this I allow myself to evaluate the situation and to see if I am not willing to take responsibility I must look at the risk involved and reconsider whether what I am about to do is within common sense and the starting point of what is best for all or is it just acting out a desire that might lead to consequences. And so I breathe and slow myself down, and make a clear decision within and as myself whether I am standing behind my actions or not, and accordingly I act, within taking full responsibility and allowing myself to be accountable for my actions.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being caught as doing something else than suggested, and thus will not allow myself to explore new ways and perhaps find practical alternatives, not allowing myself to make it "my own" within adding myself as my own self expression into the activity, and so, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to restrict myself and suppress myself from expressing myself and bringing myself in my true totality, I forgive myself for not allowing myself to contribute through my ideas and expression and exploration because I have not allowed myself to step beyond the accepted and agreed upon territory, and thus I have deprived myself from the opportunity of self expression and exploration and have deprived those around me from whatever idea I might have had that could benefit all, just because I fear being seen in a bad light, not realizing that those seeing me in a bad light which I fear and avoid their judgments are not actually judging me but themselves, and those who are not judging themselves will find a supportive way to show me if I am out of sink or am doing anything that is not practical or supportive, and thus I realize that the only way I can actually get the support of others is if I allow myself to step out of the confinements of approved territory so that I can either grow and expand or make mistakes and learn from the correction - but from suppression I will not learn a thing


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to do things my way because of ego as wanting to be special and take all the credit, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that doing things "my way" just for self interest is not valid, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value the experience of others and allow myself to walk the repaved paths, not blindly but with open eyes, to be able to only once I have tried and openly seen where that path leads, to then practice critical reasoning and apply myself accordingly as allowing myself to be part of the accumulation of knowledge that has created our world, and thus to contribute not within ego but within practicality and from actual experience and personal knowledge


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