My journey to life: economy

I'm faced with a decision about what my next step in life will be, am I going to take the safe route by going back home and becoming a teacher or getting some other "regular" job, or am I going to take a risk, live in another country, make an investment and start a business. It's a risk from the perspective that I would be my own boss, making my own schedule, and basically counting on myself to succeed, where as the easy route is getting a regular job, getting a regular salary, and having the security that each month I will be paid.

Even by defining one rout the easy one and the other a risk I can already see that I am altering my perspective, not allowing myself to see clearly the two option, and already infecting my decision with fear. I was never much of a risk taker, always preferred to play it safe.

What do I fear? Well, I've never been independent before, especially financially independent, I never had to provide for myself, I always had a safety net to fall back on, and because I was so used to my safety net, I never used it as a safety net, but more like a flexible floor, I never struggled for money, I always had jobs that didn't completely sustain me, because I could afford it due to my safety net.

Having money to fall back on was both a blessing and a curse, though now, looking at the consequences as the inadequacy I have created as myself as a result, it maybe more of a curse than a blessing - thanks to the money I had, I lived the life I believe everyone should live, everyone should have the sense of security, knowing that whatever comes up they will have the ability to take care of it, which in our world, in the current system, it means having the finance to take care of anything that comes up. Everyone would be better off living a life where they are not enslaved to a job they don't want to do, just to earn their living - even those words are insane, as in the current system we have to earn our living, we are not granted the right for life just for being alive - we must earn it.

So why do I say it is a curse? Well, in our current system as it is, if one cannot provide for oneself, they are basically screwed, money equals life, money is security, money is food / health / education / cloths / transportation, in the current money system one must have money or the ability to make money in order to survive and feel secure. For me, because I had enough to get by and then some, I never had to push myself to work for a living, I had it easy, I could work but didn't have to, so I did work, but because I didn't have to provide for myself I worked at low paying jobs, and it was never within the experience of survival. The problem was that "having it easy" can be a curse, a curse because I used it as an excuse to not live out my highest potential - what I mean is, because I didn't struggle for money, when I would meet an obstacle I didn't have to push through it, and so I didn't, I gave up, and that had become my pattern, and throughout time it had developed to a self belief that I am incapable of providing for myself, simply because I never had to do it, and thus, I never did.

So, anyway, now I'm faced with making this decision, and by taking the "risky" choice I will be forced to face myself big time - I will not have my safety net anymore, I will actually have to make it in the system in order to survive, I will have to push myself and not give up, because now, giving up would have severe consequences - as I'm writing this out, I experience shame, shame for not having the integrity to push myself regardless of having that financial safety net - I enslaved myself to my money through allowing myself to limit myself and not explore myself but instead hide behind the convenience of not having to push myself. I experience shame because instead of using the money in a productive way, I have used it as a crutch - I was leaning on a crutch even though I could actually walk on both my legs, and just like the physical body, when you use a crutch when it's unnecessary you will create consequences, as your legs will become weak and dependent, when you actually had the power to walk all along, but gave your power away to the crutch. I'm ashamed because, I had it all, unlike people that are born into poverty or any type of struggle, I had the opportunity to create myself as what ever I wanted, but I didn't, I didn't take the opportunity that was given to me, instead I had made it into a "golden cage", trapping myself in it, braking off my wings piece by piece, until reaching a point that I truly believe I cannot fly.

So, this is my curse that I inflicted upon myself, using a crutch when I could walk, and now, I don't believe in myself, I don't have the confidence that walking is possible, walking became a point of intimidation me, as I see all my friends walking and running, and I will just have to start over the whole process, starting with crawling, making the mistakes of the beginner and pushing myself to breathe through it to allow myself to learn to walk, realizing that I must do it, I must walk this process or I will never brake this self sabotaging self belief of inadequacy - it's a point of establishing self trust - yes, it would have been cool if I had done this years ago, using my safety net a support system instead of a limiting crutch, but I didn't, and now, the choice I am facing is to do it without a safety net, or not do it at all.

Not doing it would mean giving in to my fear, giving in to my experience of inadequacy, and once again not giving myself the opportunity to brake through this pattern, just as I haven't allowed myself to brake through in the past, by limiting myself and tying myself down by my safety net and fears. Doing it would mean that I will really have to do it, it won't be a game anymore, I will have to actually work hard, put in the effort, the time, the dedication, make mistakes and correct the while still standing and pushing through, in order to allow myself to expand, allow myself to live out my highest potential, allow myself to free myself from the chains I had tied myself down with.

As I'm writing this out I realize I have made my decision, there is still that voice in my head shouting out "Wait, don't do it!! What if you fall? What if you lose everything? How will you ever pick yourself up?" but I realize this is the voice of my mind, arguing for my own limitation, and I am grateful for this voice, as it is showing me exactly who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, as I have allowed myself to follow this voice of fear, as I have allowed myself to exist in fear, be directed by fear, and never actually do anything, express myself, take risks, because of the fear, coming up as future projections of all that can go wrong - but, is this who I want to be for the rest of my life? The answer is clear.

I realize this road might be bumpy, but in order to free myself I must allow myself to lose everything that has been holding me back from being myself as self expression, at this point I see it's my safety net that I have allowed myself to be restricted by, and as long as I hold onto it, and allow myself to make decisions based on the fear of losing it, I will have never lived, I will always remain but a portion of who I really am as life, as expression, as expansion.

Now that the decision is made, the journey is only starting, in my next blogs I will write out self forgiveness and corrective statement in order to prepare the way before me, to let go the points that have been holding me back and find within me the correction, so when I walk this path I am prepared.

At the moment I am experiencing a combination of excitement, anxiety and a stability - this is a weird mixture of experiences, as they seem to all contradict each other yet somehow they are all here. I'll investigate them as well in my next blogs to come.

thanks

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Sunday, November 18, 2012

Posted by Maya R at 2:35 PM Labels: achmad jabari, blame, brainwash, campaign, critical thinking, economy, fear, Gaza, greed, investigation, iron dome, israel, israeli election, media, middle east, palestinia, peace, war, warfare, weapon 2 comments

Day 95 - Will there ever be Peace in the Middle East

Within my process of developing critical thinking, I have been looking, in the past few days, at what has been going on is Israel/Gaza. This is what I found thus far as an overview of the situation. In the next blogs I will further my investigation to go deeper into each point, for more specificity and clarity.

important documentaries to watch

A few days ago a war started up again in Israel, the Israelis are shooting at the Palestinians and the Palestinians are shooting at the Israelis, both sides are justifying themselves with the common fraise we all are very much familiar with from childhood "but they started it".

I was surprised to see the comments and talk-backs coming from the Israeli side, so much hatred towards the Palestinians, completely disregarding the fact that they are living human beings who deserve to live a life of fulfillment and security, as we all do, as any living creature does, but the fear and hatred has been brainwashed into our minds through the media to such an extent, that the fact that there are human beings, children, on the other side, is completely overlooked. not to mention the un balanced forces comparing the strong Israeli army of and the Palestinians as the Israelis have air force and defense methods while the Palestinians are basically bare and exposed…

Israel is coming close to election time, and all the politicians are using this war as part of their campaign, one must ask oneself, how much of the timing of this war was accidental or specifically planed to manipulate the people, to get in more votes… through what I see being posted on Facebook, and talk backs on articles, it seams like most of the Israeli people are supporting the war and are applauding it, all are so proud of the Israeli army, and showing off the new weapons.

Now here is another interesting point, the Israeli weapon industry had developed this new war toy, the "Iron Dome" and has been using it proudly in this war to protect the Israeli people from the Palestinian's missiles, it seams to me that this war has been made into a marketing event, showing off the new gadget and testing it out in a live battle, for all the world to see - on the first page of CNN website, they didn't discuss the war, they discussed the "Iron Dome", the new toy that Israel is so proud of, like a free advertisement campaign for the potential buyers to see

Another point to consider, that was mentioned in the Israeli news is that the Hamas leader, Ahmed Jabari, that was assassinated, which is what got this war started, was actually in the process of negotiating for a peaceful settlement, not to say that it would necessarily have brought about peace in the middle east, but it's a certainty that without talking and negotiating, no peace will ever be an option - so it looks like Jabari was assassinated to prevent any peaceful deliberation, apparently peace cannot be accepted because war is economically a good decision, so peace would not be a wise economical choice

Which is another crazy point, I mean, already so much of the Israeli budget goes to defense and military, it's not like the war is actually making the country's budget any bigger with a greater money flow for what actually matters to bring about a worthy living experience for the people, by supporting education/health/infrastructure, no, the budget goes mostly to the military / security, thus only the few will actually benefit financially from this war, and the rest of the people pay taxes, while they have to find shelter to hide from the fire

I for one, do not support this war. I support communication and negotiation, I support doing whatever it takes to create allies and not enemies, I mean, the situation has been escalating and escalating for years, because we are not stopping it, because we are only blaming the other side, not trusting the possibility that peace can ever be achieved, and not for one moment taking responsibility in seeing how we, on each side, are the cause of the problem and thus are responsible for the situation, to find what we can do to make a difference, instead of only blaming and pointing fingers and waiting for the other side to make a move

So what is this war really about?

It's about who will get elected, because the Israeli people have been brainwashed with fear and blame to such an extent that when there is war they see it as a good thing - so here is the construct of blame and fear

It's about money, as any war is about money, and in this case specifically, it's that much more clear, due to this new piece of equipment that is being publicly displayed and promoted - and here the construct of greed

I will continue investigating this point in my next blog