Showing posts with label believing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label believing. Show all posts
Sunday, November 25, 2012
this is a continuation of my previous blog:
Day 100 - What is REAL
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ever question reality and simply accept it as it has been shown to me by my parents and society, within this simply accepting the world as it is within all the atrocities and abuse, and not once questioning human nature as the cause of it and looking at what needs to be done and how we need to change in order to fix up this world and create a world that is worth living in for all life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am the mind, that I am my thoughts/feelings/emotions, and within that allowing myself to be directed by my thoughts/feelings/emotions, while only considering myself as part of the equation and disregarding the physical reality as all the other beings that exist here equally with me, within this I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that all that I have been existing as and believing in has been an illusion, an illusion that is based on self interest through using manipulation/deception to fulfill the desire to feel good, within accepting separation as the truth of existence
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the abuse I am creating through my participation within/as the mind, through allowing myself to be directed within self interest by the emotions/feelings/thoughts that come up within me uncontrollably, while disregarding common sense, disregarding the physical reality as the earth and nature and other living beings, all in the pursue of happiness, within this
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that as long as I am participating within/as the mind as self interest, I am giving my permission and appruval for all to exist within self interest, and thus am allowing any form of self interest to exist, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the very self interest that I am participating within as the mind, is not actually in my best interest because it is and always has been creating conflict in my life, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the very nature and structure of the mind is based on conflict / friction / separation / polarity and thus will never bring about an ease, not within my life and not within the world as a whole, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the very nature of the mind is to create and thrive off of energy that is created through the substance of my physical body and thus abusing/destroying the very body I exist in
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I am my body, one and equal to/as my body, and within that to realize that any abuse I am inflicting on my body is actual self abuse, but I haven’t allowed myself to realize this because I have been existing within a value system that values the mind more than life, and thus I have allowed myself to disregard my body, as well as the physical existence and to give my attention to only that which goes on in my mind within energy, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I have been addicted to the energy of the mind, like a drug that has been blurring my vision to ignore the physical reality as what is here and to exist in a bubble created by my mind through my allowance and participation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with my hidden/secret thoughts/feelings/emotions, within believing that I have a right to my privacy and to protect my hidden/secret mind, not realizing that by hiding myself I am making a statement that I am actually participating in deception/manipulation/abuse and want to protect myself as I deceive/abuse/manipulate others, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the very nature and design of secrets implies shame, thus through participating and justifying the secret mind I have been hiding from myself that I am in fact ashamed of who I am and what I do, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself in shame, instead of facing myself within/as self honesty, to be able to change myself and become a human being that lives as respect/dignity as a living expression of that which is best for all, and thus doesn't need to hide in separation within the secret mind, because there would be nothing to hide, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the mind, within it's hidden most darkest corners has always been showing me it's true nature of deception/manipulation/abuse, and that I have always been brainwashed, not practicing critical reasoning, but simply eating up whatever my parents/society have taught me, as accepting and legitimizing the pursue of happiness as a valid goal, while blindly following our emotions/feelings/thoughts, not seeing that if we only stopped holding on to ourselves as the mind, we could realize equality and oneness, as what is really here, as the physical, as life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to the mind, as allowing myself to become possessed with energy / thoughts / back chat / judgments / emotions / feelings, while believing I am powerless and cannot be the directive principle of myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am powerless instead of dropping this belief within the understanding that it isn't supporting me but is only limiting me and preventing me from standing up, and thus to allow myself to try again and again, and learn from each attempt I make, as to find out for myself, what works for me as to slow down the mind/thought, as to stop the back chat - I have found that bouncing and shaking myself physically within breath has been supportive in getting me out of the mind and back here, I have that writing the point out as self support within a self directive decision to take self responsibility and sort the point out has assisted me in stepping out of the possession, I have found that self forgiveness has been effective in assisting me to open up points and not fall so easily in the trap of self judgment - so I have tools, I have proven to myself that they are effective, and I realize that "practice makes perfect" I realize that the more I apply myself and fall and apply myself again I will become more effective within myself and will be more clear within myself, and will empower myself as life, as self support, to step out of the mind's hold of me, and return here, to where life can be lived, as the physical reality.
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Saturday, September 8, 2012
Today, as everyday here at the desteni farm; we start off with some
basic cleaning to have a nice environment to be in.
I was asked to clean the table tops, and when I was done we would look
at the point and go over it with the rest of the group so everyone will be on
the same page so to speak in regards to cleaning the table tops.
I was very happy about my task, it seemed easy enough, and I went on
doing it, thinking to myself "I am so good at cleaning table tops"
"I'll be the best at cleaning table tops" – why the hell did those
thought come up? What are they showing me about myself?
So, after cleaning, we had a talk and apparently "table tops"
is a not the accurate word for the task, in fact what needs to be cleaned is
everything in the area that has a top, shelves, appliances, chairs, basically
anything with a top that can get dusty.
Then my back chat was "oh shit, I didn't do a good job, I didn't
clean all of that, I just did the table tops" and "oh shit, it's a
big task to clean all of that".
So basically I went from superiority to inferiority in regards to the
"table top" cleaning task. I see within this a point of comparison to
others, competition, trying to be best at, wanting to define myself as good and
better than others, on the other hand inferior to cleaning is a construct I am
well familiar with, within believing I am not good at cleaning, and thus when
the table top task grew I went into a fear/worry/inferiority of will I be able
to handle it and do it well. Within this whole point I see that I desire to
please the people here, I want them to see I am good and capable, I want to be
accepted. Another point is my resistance of being a beginner, I mean, I judged
myself for not knowing exactly how to clean while it was my first time and
still no one had told me how it's done, and even now that I know, I might have
a learning scale of first struggling and
then getting the hang of it after applying the task for a bit, yet, the
experience is that I should know now and be able to do everything now, not
realizing the actual physical process one must walk to learn a task and get
comfortable within it.
In regards to cleaning, I have always been separating myself from
cleaning and because of not wanting to see myself as a beginner and actually
take the time to learn the task I used not knowing how to clean as my excuse to
remain inferior to cleaning and excuse myself from doing a good job because
"I don't know how to clean, since I never learnt"
Self-Forgiveness on my relationship with cleaning
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself
from the task of cleaning through defining myself as not capable of cleaning,
and thus instead of allowing myself to learn it as one would learn any task, I have
hidden behind the self-belief of not being capable to do it within believing it
isn't in my ability to learn.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not
capable of cleaning well, and in order to maintain this self-belief I have
never allowed myself to go through the practical steps of learning to clean
effectively and thus creating a reoccurring experience of not knowing how/what
to do when faced with the task of cleaning, instead of once and for all taking
responsibility for this point within realizing I am not inferior to cleaning
and allowing myself to learn the task of cleaning within realizing that it will
take time and practice until I am comfortable within it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mother
for not showing me how to clean by example and thus using her as an excuse and
self-justification as to why I do not know how to clean, instead of standing
within the self-responsibility and teaching myself the task once I realized
knowing how to clean is an effective and practical tool and ability to have in
this world as having a clean and comfortable environment is a point of self-support.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define cleaning as
hard, boring and unpleasant and thus be comfortable within the self-belief of
not knowing how to clean because I have used it as an excuse to get out of
doing the dirty work in regards to cleaning, not realizing that without
investigating the task of cleaning for myself, I have defined it as hard and unpleasant
through the eyes/experiences/expressions of others and thus allowed myself to
be directed in this world through the experience and perspectives of others
instead of allowing myself to live the task as myself and for myself regardless
of what it seems to be in the eye of others, and finding out for myself what it
really is in fact.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use the idea
of cleaning not being a pleasant task as an excuse to not want to do it, not realizing
that the cleaning is an act of self support and isn't done for mere entertainment,
and thus regardless of whether I find the task to be enjoyable or not I need to
decide for myself within self-direction within self-honesty if I am required to
clean or not, within realizing it has nothing to do with the enjoinment I would
get out of the task.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only want to
participate in tasks that I find enjoyable, even though within taking self-responsibility
within self-honesty I realize that some tasks require to be done regardless of
their level of enjoyment.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to enjoy cleaning
within the idea that it is an unpleasant task, not realizing that any task would
be pleasant or not only dependent on who I am within doing it, and thus it is
up to me to enjoy myself within and as any task regardless of the task at hand.
Self-Commitment Statements
I commit myself to investigating the self-beliefs I have allowed myself
to live and exist as within realizing that any self-belief is of the mind and
is a point of accepted limitation, thus, within this I commit myself to allow
myself to expand myself within my application through learning new tasks that come
my way, not allowing myself to believe the thoughts in my mind telling me I am incapable
of doing it, but rather look at it from a practical physical perspective of whether
or not I am really capable and able to do the task at hand.
I commit myself to go through the practical steps of learning the task
of cleaning within realizing that learning any task takes time and practice and
thus I commit to not judge myself within the process of learning how to clean
and allow myself to be humble within the learning experience and allow myself
to ask those around me and look at their application as I learn and teach
myself any new task.
I commit myself to take full responsibility for myself and stopping any
blame towards my mother in regards to her not teaching me well enough, I realize
that blaming her is a construct I have created within/as myself to not take responsibility
for the task at hand, and within that I realize that by stating she should have
taught me I am actually implying that I do in fact have the ability to learn
and thus, instead of living in the past within the idea that I should have
learnt it as a child through watching my mother I commit to learn it now as an
adult and stopping the blame within breath as I realize it is a manipulation to
not take self-responsibility.
I commit myself to investigating cleaning for/as myself within finding
out for myself who I am within the task of cleaning and allowing myself to
break through the idea that cleaning is unpleasant through realizing that it is
what I make of it through who I am within it, thus I commit myself to stopping
myself as the beliefs and ideas I have collected from my environment and to
find out for/as myself who I am within it, and through this to change myself
accordingly to become an effective and self-supportive and self-responsible
human being.
I commit myself to stop myself within/as the excuse of not wanting to do
something because of the idea/belief it isn't a pleasant/enjoyable task, and
instead to apply myself within practicality and do what needs to be as what is
best for all, within this I commit myself to investigating the idea/belief of a
task being unpleasant and allow myself to change myself within the task as I realize
that my experience of a task is up to me and who I am within applying myself
and is not actually dependent on the task at hand
In my next blogs I will investigate some more points that came up within
the "table top" scenario
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