Showing posts with label realization. Show all posts
Showing posts with label realization. Show all posts
Monday, May 13, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic
Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage
Day 194 - 21 days of self dedication – misusing the desteni process
Day 195 - 21 days of self dedication - part 5 – but I am still here
Day 196 -21 days of self dedication – part 6 - experience of isolation
Day 197 - 21 days of self dedication - self value - day 7
Day 198 - 21 days of self dedication - Self Value - self forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not taking advantage of the time I had on the farm
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project this judgment as a fear of others judging me for not being effective / accomplishing anything in the time I had here at the farm, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear meeting my family / friends when I return, in fear of being judged for how I spent / what I had done with my time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into emotional possession as an experience of fear / anxiety / worry towards meeting the people back home and facing their criticism / judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed with emotions as anxiety towards my return, instead of supporting myself in writing as to open up and see the point of self judgment being projected as the source of my emotional breakdown, and within this to apply self forgiveness in taking self responsibility to change in the points that require correction, and let go the points that are merely a mind created and false judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be effective in the time I had here at the farm, within not actually pushing myself in every moment to see / find / do something that will benefit me within self support
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instead of taking the time I had here at the farm, and making sure I use it as effective as I can, within realizing that time is only running in one direction, and that is out - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that time is not on my side from the perspective that every moment lost will never come back, and so, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to act from within this understanding that there isn't much time though there is much work to be done
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for wasting my time and the time of others here at the farm for taking the time in their day to give me all the support that I needed but I had take it for granted, expecting something to happen / change because they were supporting me, not accepting the fact that with all the support that I get, I must support myself and commit myself to myself and dedicate myself to myself in order for anything to happen / change in my world and experience / relationship of / with myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself, even here in this supportive environment, to be self honest, to communicate in self honesty, and instead I have put on an act, trying to always keep my cool, trying to always seem ok, and only when the energy build up was too much for me to handle would I uncontrollably explode with emotion - thus, not using this supportive platform effectively, in learning how to communicate to others in asking for support, and in learning how to support myself when I see so clearly that something is building up within myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and my time at the farm according to an idea of how it should have been to have been effective and supportive and within that I am not allowing myself to walk my own process here within seeing in self honesty what it had in fact been, not in relation to an idea but in simply in reality, and within seeing what actually was to learn form it, as appose to judge myself for it based to comparing myself to an idea
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see all the insights and realizations I have picked up at the time I spent in the farm, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not seeing / realizing, instead of simply leaving it as is, and within this allowing the realizations to come up from within me, and not from judgment / fear / expectation of the mind
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Friday, May 3, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic
I have a nasty tendency to be hard on myself, to judge myself and the situation into expecting the worse, I assume, and prepare myself for the worst - this is completely self destructive, I mean - nothing good can come out of it, it is totally based in fear and doesn't not allow myself to actually put my heart into anything because I am so worried of failure that I don't even try.
I have recently made a career decision, and in the past few days I have been training for this career, the training is intensive, there is a lot to learn, know and perfect, so "naturally" I very often go to the "I'm still not good enough" character, which it's actually funny now that I look at it, because it is true that I am still not good enough - is a common sense fact that one must practice and only with consistent application and with experience, will one come to perfect one's application, but I haven't been saying to myself "I'm still not good enough" from a starting point of self honesty and common sense, but rather from a starting point of only seeing the worst, looking for the points of imperfection while ignoring the progress, getting a form of rush from not being good enough, as it validates my existence as a no-good-failure…
And, seriously, I mean, this is very fucked up, it is obviously not self supportive, it is actually self abuse - if I would treat a child as I treat myself I would be taken away for child abuse - I must learn to parent myself, to be my own parent, to practice self discipline and push myself to do the work that needs to be done, but also to gently embrace myself in self acceptance, in common sense, in realizing that everything that I will ever learn will always be a process, there are no real McDonald's quick fix magic, and thus, there is no point to beat me up while I'm learning but rather to nurture myself in support and understanding. Man, why is it so hard to care for myself enough to unconditionally give myself the chance to learn, expand and develop? I've had enough of this shit!!! And here self doubt comes up again, reminding me that I've had enough before and have did nothing about it, so why is this time going to be any different? What can I say to that?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the past as memories to dictate who I am, instead of unconditionally letting go the past and allowing myself to direct myself here, in breath, in common sense and practicality, within self support as what is best for all life.
I realize that each time I allow myself to go down the rabbit's whole with this chain of thoughts as "why is this time going to be different" I am giving such thoughts power over me, as I am validating them through my participation, and so, I commit myself to stop myself in breath, if and when such thoughts come up, as thoughts that take the wind out of my sail so to speak, thoughts that are based in my past experience, trapping me to the past and depriving me the possibility of changing - and so, I commit myself to stop, and to as I have done just now, write out the point, expose my thoughts to myself so that I know what I am allowing myself to do / tell to myself. I realize that I have accumulated this character / personality over years, and that it will take years of stopping and forgiving to actually stop once and for all - and so, am I up for the challenge? Well, there is no other choice is there? I cannot un-know that which I know about myself, I cannot un-see that which I've seen, so I haven't really got an option, because it will always, always, always, come back to this, because there really is no where to run and hide, so there is no point trying, and trying to hide only makes things worse and only accumulates more shit to deal with.
Today, after a few days of training I have lost my voice - I see this as a physical manifestation of self sabotage, as an excuse to rest and take a break, and so, instead of taking a self directed brake, or on the contrary, instead of directing myself to push through the desire to rest and complete the task in constant self motivation, I have given myself a physical condition, another form of self victimization, using the body as an excuse to rest instead of being direct about it or directly pushing through it, either way, not being self honest with myself up to the point of manifesting a physical condition - I can also see this sudden loss of voice, as a justification for failure, as if proving to myself that even physically I don't have what it takes to succeed in the business. I can also see it as the expression of the fear of speaking up and being heard - but the bottom line is, no matter what the actual reason, it is based in self dishonesty in regards to fear, self inadequacy and self judgment - and I cannot stress this point enough - it's time to stop!!!
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the consequences my body is going through due to my participation in self sabotaging thoughts, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to scarifies my physical body, disregarding it completely, as I participate in fear, and self sabotaging instead of supporting myself here, as the physical as what is actually here as life
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that every moment spent in the mind as thoughts / back chat / emotions / fears / excitements, is a moment not spent here, within and as my physical body, and thus, is a moment spent in separation of / from myself, and thus, of / from reality
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the direct connection between my participation within / as the mind and the physical body suffering
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the consequences my physical body as myself, go through due to my addiction to the mind's patterns and energy, while using the excuse that I don't see / experience my direct responsibility to pain and suffering of my physical body, and thus to allow myself to continue within / as my mind, but in fact it is deliberate self deception, because regardless of what I don't see directly, I do see directly other forms of abuse and suffering cause by my participation within / as my mind, and I have yet to stop - so at least I should be self honest with myself and not pretend that I don't see the pain, because I do - it is all the same in all levels / dimension, and so, if my participation within / as the mind cause pain / suffering on any level, it causes pain / suffering in all levels - and it fucking does!!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to myself into believing that I would do something if I saw the pain, because I am a caring being and couldn't stand the sight / knowledge of suffering, but the fact is that all I have ever lived for has been self interest, and not actual care, and so, I forgive myself for judging myself for that, and therefore lying to myself, and instead I commit myself to developing self care within equality and oneness, and what is best for all life, and so to learn to care not only for myself in self interest, but for all as equals - and to become a being of self honor
It's interesting because I can see all scenarios, and I see how I am the only one responsible for the outcome - thus, I see, realize and understand that if I succeed of fail is completely up to me, I know this to be true, and within this, I know and can further more investigate, what are the points where I can set myself up for a fall, where are the points that will be a challenge and where there will be a point of decision - will I allow myself to push through and succeed, or will I accept my failure without even trying to push through such a predictable point / challenge…
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prepare the way before me towards failure
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself with not applying myself as effectively as I know I can, and then to judge myself for not applying myself as best as I can enhancing the experience of being a failure - not realizing how it is all directly created by myself, within my participation with these useless and destructive thoughts.
I forgive myself for judging myself for losing my voice, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to consider that my voice requires rest, and not to place value and more back chat over it, but simply allow my voice to rest and restore itself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go to self sabotage, self judgment, negativity and pessimism, as fast as an instinct, instead of allowing myself to slow myself down, and to breathe, and to not follow such thoughts patterns, like a lifeless puppet, but to allow myself to become the directive principle of my life, and actually direct myself into stability, and not allow myself to go into that evil state of self abuse - till here no further - that's enough!!
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Monday, March 25, 2013
this is a continuation of my previous blog:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
Day 177 - Not Pushing Myself
Day 178 - I can only start Walking from Here
a must hear - Why do we not access our full potential? Why do we hold ourselves back?:
in the past few days i have been walking in writing the point of the experience of overwhelming resistance that has been coming up within me - i have been giving my power away to the resistance to take over me, i have been entertaining the resistance as i try to resist it and push through, but i end up giving up and allowing myself to be directed by it - and so each time i end up giving up - the resistance grows stronger, like bacteria that learns to be tolerant to antibiotics - each time i i don't push through, but just "give it a shot" only to then give up - the next time around the resistance is stronger and i am weaker...
a specific point i have been resisting is the writing of commitments statements, because i already saw that i am not actually applying myself, and so i didn't want to place in writing that which i already knew i will not stand as - and so, what i found here is that i have been writing corrective statements that are too "airy fairy" and not down to earth, and also not correlated to where i actually am within my process, like i would write commitments that i simply cannot stand as, setting myself up for failure - anyway, from airy fairy commitment i went to no commitments because i couldn't stand anymore writing them and knowing within myself that there is no chance of application, so now i am walking the process of stopping the resistance and pushing through as well as placing common sense and practical commitments that i can walk, that are grounded as to where i am in my process
i realize there was, and still is, self judgment towards "where i am in process" so this is another point to let go and not allow it to sabotage me - i guess i am learning to see the difference between the judgment that is me showing myself that i am being self dishonest and i better get my act together or i will live a life of shame, guilt and regret, and thus, i can use the self judgment as a tool, as an indication of where i must correct myself, so i can grow and expand and learn from it - and then there is the self judgment that it's only purpose is self punishment, self abuse, self diminishment, self sabotage - all within comparison to others, or to ideals i have created, whereas this self judgment is not valid as it is not supportive in anyway, and thus must be stopped.
so, here is some of my writing - i'll post it in sections as i continue walking / writing it out. i started with writing some points out for myself about wanting to change and walk this process but not wanting at the same time, and as i was writing about it all the reactions and resistances came up, so i had a cool opportunity to write about my experience in the moment, writing the resistance as the resistance was in my face. then i broke it down and added self forgiveness, and now i am writing for each self forgiveness statement a corrective statement, though in some cases more points open up...
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by what I "feel" like doing rather than directing myself according to principle as a directive decision
When and as I see myself going into the experience of "I feel like / I don't feel like" I stop myself and breathe, I realize I cannot trust myself within following what I feel / don't fee like because it is not within considering the actual reality, not considering myself and my best interest as life, and thus not considering what is best for all as life - I realize that within following what I feel / don't fee like I am compromising myself because it always leads to a path that is not self supportive in all ways, a path that is in some way self abusing and compromising / disregarding others, as it's an attempt of self interest, though it is only short term self interest, and so, I realize that by following what I feel / don't feel like, instead of following the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all life, and directing myself within self honesty, I am existing as the problem in this world and in my life, instead of standing as the solution, as a living example of how, if we all stop existing / following what we feel / don't feel like, and instead consider the physical reality, consider each other, and follow a principle that direct us to self support and support others as ourselves equally, to bring about a world that is best for all life, and exist as self honor, self respect instead of shame and regret.
Thus, I commit myself to, when I see myself going into the experience of wanting to do what I feel / don't feel like, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to the physical as my physical body within breathing, and I ask myself what would be more beneficial in the long run, what course of action would make me experience regret, what is aligned in self honesty / self responsibility and what is in self interest - and within considering all these points, I remind myself that I am worth walking through some resistance for
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled and directed by what I feel like or don't feel like doing, not realizing that I am allowing myself to be directed by the mind in self interest, as the interest of the mind, as I have realized and seen that when I follow my "what I feel like or don't feel like" it is never actually in my own self benefit as self support, it is always a short lived satisfaction followed by consequences of regret, guilt and shame, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my "feel like it and don't feel like it" instead of living within and as principle as the director of myself, within making a clear decision as to who I want to be and commit myself to myself, rather than allowing myself to follow blindly my mind, into self sabotage
when and as I see myself going into the experience / character of wanting to do only what I feel / don't feel like, I stop myself and breathe, I take a moment to look at the outflow / consequences of my actions (or lack of actions in the case of "I don't feel like), I ask myself in self honesty if this course of action will lead to shame, guilt and regret, and if the answer is yet, I commit myself to find another course of action that is aligned with who I am in self honesty, a course of action that is self empowering, self supportive and that is not harmful or abusive towards myself or others in any way. I realize that it will be hard at first, but the more I empower myself in not following what I feel / don't feel like, it will become easier, as I will become the directive principle of myself, as not following a random experience / thought / desire, but follow myself as who I really am, as walking a course of action that is actually in my best interest, and not in the interest of the mind as short term satisfactions generating energy and followed by the polarity of shame, guilt and regret.
Within this, I commit myself to "go easy" on myself, as to walk at my own pace, no expectations based on comparing myself to an ideal, but to actually walk in self honesty, and each day push more, but not push more than I can from a starting point of self judgment - and so, I commit myself to walk this process within gently embracing myself, as nurturing a struggling plant until it is standing stable as a strong tree
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk this process within the starting point of self, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to truly walk it for myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk it within the experience that I am being watched / judged and thus within fear of judgment, within fear of "what others will think about me" I allow myself to be motivated only when I know that someone will see if I don't do it, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing others in situations where I believe they would judge me or see me for my weakness, such as within my giving up, not realizing that it's not them that I need to explain myself to, it's myself, and they are only reflecting to me, as I am projecting on them, my own expectations, judgments and disappointments of and as myself.
*** this is a hard one for me- lots of resistance - back chat "how can I change from walking this for others to walking it for myself? How do I find that point of doing it for myself?"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the back chat as "how can I change from walking this for others to walking it for myself? How do I find that point of doing it for myself?" as the truth of me, and to believe that changing my starting point is something I don't know how to do, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect there to be a big and dramatic "doing" when it is actually a simple/small/delicate change in intention, there isn’t a doing besides making the decision within self and living it as self expression, it's a point of awareness, of intention, and so, the idea that I don't know how to do this cannot be real, because if I have it within myself to see the point as a problem / question, I must have it within me as directing my awareness as a solution
and so, when and as I see myself going into the experience character of walking this process / my life from any starting point other than for myself as myself as self support, I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here in breath to my physical body, I realign myself and check / ask myself why am I doing / about to do / not doing , what is my starting point, is it fear / desire / pleasing another / expectation, within this I commit myself to, as I stop and take a moment within breath to investigate myself here, to direct myself according to what I would do as self support, what would I do if I were the person that I want to become, as a self responsible self respectful being that supports oneself and all life equally as one - what would I do then?
I realize that any fear of judgment is reflecting my own self judgment, and thus, I can use the self judgment that comes up as an experience of being judged / watched, as a supportive tool within my process, as to allow myself to see what am I judging and within self honesty to make a clear decision whether this is a valid point as showing myself that I need to step up my application or it is not a valid point as it is within comparison and self diminishment - and so, when and as I see myself going into fear of judgment from others, I stop and breathe, I realize I am facing an opportunity of seeing myself as I am reflected within this judgment, and thus I stop and take a moment to look at the point in clarity and within breath, and allow myself to decide / chose a new course of action that will support me and will be aligned with the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all life
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk my process within a starting point of self, as self support, as realizing that this is how I can give myself back to myself and rebirth myself as self honor / respect within taking self responsibility for / as myself, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instead of walking this process for and as myself I have been walking it in projecting my own self judgment onto others and fear that judgment, and thus walk within the attempt to avoided receiving this judgment from others, and thus only do that which others may see and judge, while not do that which is truly for myself, even though I see, and I know that I have not walked the point, yet I have created myself in separation of myself to a point where I do not see that it is me that I am walking for, and thus disregard my seeing of self, and only allow myself to be motivated / moved by others seeing me
I realize that any point within me is pointing out a relationship I am holding within myself, and am restricting / limiting myself within this relationship, as I exist in relation to the point, in separation of/from it - I realize that within walking my process in an attempt to avoid any judgment from others what I am showing myself is that I am not ready / willing to face my own self judgment, and I am actually hiding from it, from myself, and so, in a process to becoming one with myself, I must use all of myself that is here in order to see / face / know myself, and so, when and as I see myself doing anything within a starting point of what will others think of me, I stop myself and breathe, I ask myself within breath in self honesty, if I can do this within the starting point of self support as what is best for all life then I will go ahead and do it, and if there is no point of self support and it is only "for others" then I stop my participation - and so, I use the initial point of projected self judgment as a tool of self support, as to investigate what I am doing and participating within, and deliberately in awareness changing my starting point to be for / of / as self.
I realize I have been existing in an idea that this stuff should happen magically, I didn't consider myself as being directive, I didn't understand what it means, and now I see that it is a point of being here with myself, having my awareness here with myself as the physical, and so by asking myself questions I am bringing my awareness back here as the first step in making a directive decision and living it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an experience of resistance due to reading an email with a suggestion for an assignment
I realize that when my relationship towards something changes due to reading an email it is not me directing myself in awareness but am allowing myself to be directed / controlled by the mind in energy, and so, as it is of the mind and not a physical fact / reality, I have the choice of participation, and so, I realize that such points are a point of transformation, as only by walking through the resistance of the mind will I claim my power back, and so it must be done - when and as I see clearly that my actions / experience is suddenly changed I know it is a mind reaction and thus I breathe and direct myself to continue with what I had planed / decided upon prior to the mind possession, and so, I either take a break to write and breathe and clear myself form the possession, or I simply push through in that moment - thus, when I see myself reacting, as changing my entire experience towards the situation / a point, I know I am not self directive but am allowing myself to be manipulated by the deceptions / self interest of the mind, and so I stop and breathe, focus on my breath, and direct myself to return here to myself as my physical body, as this is the highest priority - returning to myself in breath and stopping the back chat that is fueling the mind / energy - and so I stop and breathe and don't participate in back chat, I return here to my body in breath and breathe until I am stable to make a directive decision as to where / how to continue.
I have found that I always know that I am running away, as I am running away, and so the problem isn't noticing what I'm doing, the problem is to actually take the moment and breathe, and be strong enough to change the direction of my actions, and this strength comes from self care which will be built the more I care about myself - it's a loop the feeds itself - the more I care about myself and act in self support the more I will actually care and the more strength I will have for the next time,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to walk this process as to understand this point of why / how I am allowing myself to be directed by resistance, and yet not be willing to actually walk it, as, not be willing to take the time and walk the practical physical steps that it takes to accomplish the task, and thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize the practical physical steps required to actually walk the point, and thus I allow myself to "oh, I want to do this" without taking into consideration and actually accepting the practical physical steps that are required to be walked, and so, when the steps are here for me to walk, as to sit and do the writing, and face myself, and breathe, and slow down, and open up… I resist it, because it isn't what I had signed up for, because I was living in an idea, as an illusion, of wanting things and hoping that just through wanting they will manifest magically, and thus not be ready to actually walk the point into creation.
I realize that anything that is to be walked in the physical will have to be walked through a process in space time, and thus, nothing will be immediate as magic, which is a cool indication as to recognize what is real and what is of the mind, for what is real will take time as a physical process, whereas within the mind I can go from happy to sad without any process just by being triggered in a moment - and so, when and as I see myself or my relationship to the situation or another being change in a moment, I stop myself and breathe, I realize it is a mind trick and is not real as a physical change, it cannot be trusted and thus I mustn't participate with it as an act of self integrity, and on the other hand, when I see a point requires time, effort and attention within a physical real time/space reality process, I may investigate if this is a point worth walking, because it has "past the test" of realness as it is aligned with physicality as a process that actually takes time and effort - when and as I am faced with walking a point that requires time, effort, dedication I realize this is something real and as such, deserves my investigation of whether to participate or not, and if I decide to participate it is within realizing that anything worth doing will take time, effort, dedication, as that is how the physical moves
*** this point is hard for me - unclear - resistance!!!!!!! I am totally restless!!!!
I am breathing, did a handstand -now I continue
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself be directed and distracted by this background noise of resistance as discomfort, instead of directing myself within force and not stopping until I push this resistance away
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing any excuse to be valid as a justification to take a break and stop, not realizing that every time I give in to excuses / distractions / justifications I am setting the bar higher, and next time I will have to walk through a greater excuse / justification, as this will not end until I end it - and so I realize if I want to stop dancing this dance with resistance, I must stop playing it hard to get and actually stating a clear and steady NO. (lol, I like the analogy)
I realize as long as I don't stop and direct myself it will only get harder and harder, I realize it will be hard and painful and thus to support myself in pain and discomfort I have breath, and so when and as I experience pain and discomfort I within breath see if I am resisting something of what I am doing or intending to do, and if I see there is a point of resistance, and that my physical body is expressing this resistance for me to see, I push myself to continue in breath, despite the discomfort, as I have directed myself to do so, and then once I am done or satisfied I am done for the moment, then I investigate the point of resistance. Or, if the discomfort is overwhelming, I stop what I'm doing and investigate the resistance as the expression of discomfort / pain in that very moment, as to find the source / reason and clear myself form it so that I can continue.
Now, lets see if I can do this now - my legs are giving me great discomfort - this is the main excuse coming up within me as to not continue writing - the last statement I was working with was in regards to actually physically doing what needs to be done in the physical, as for instance sitting by the computer for hours and actually being focused and effective, it's a point of grounding myself, as not to stay in the fantasy of desire / good idea, but actually come down to earth and do what it physically takes to get this point done in reality, it's a slowing down and coming down from the cloud, it's a point of laziness - so, it's a combination of not wanting to let go the fun of getting excited about ideas as well as not wanting to let go the laziness as an excuse to not manifest these ideas, as I want to manifest them but do not want to commit myself for the effort - so the resistance is not wanting to let this go - do I enjoy this construct? No I don't! why not? Because I end up doing nothing, I am a bitch to my resistance, so I am a dreamer and not a doer, always wanting and having ideas that I can't create because I have never allowed myself to physically build the bridge.
This point has been a major issue for me, I always lived within a self definition that I lack the ability / intelligence / skill to build the bridge that will bring me from the idea to the manifestation of it. And now I see that this construct that I have accepted as myself even though it has brought me much suffering and frustration, I do not want to let go of - who will I be if I am capable of building this bridge? Why am I terrified of the idea of not existing in these limitations, why do I feel like these limitations protect me in any way - like there is something scary of being a success, being capable - it's like there is an inner knowing that if I let this down I will have no excuse and will be able to do anything - and this thought freaks me out.
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Saturday, November 24, 2012
I've reached my 100th blog, no bells or fireworks, just another day and another blog in my journey to birthing myself as life from the physical.
What does this even mean? Am I not alive?
REALITY - The practical physical world each and everyone lives in where the physical laws and consequences are equal for everyone.
One of the most substantial points I have learned since I have been walking with desteni is learning to distinguish between what is real and what is not - there is the physical reality as that which can be touched and smelled, that which is objective and can be shared and experienced by all, and on the other hand there is the mind, as our subjective point of view / perception / perspective of reality - our mind creates within ourselves a personal illusion, as a hidden/secret alternate reality that cannot be shared or experienced by anyone else but ourselves, and it does so through our acceptance, allowance and participation, where we, as our beingness, have given our power away to the mind, and have allowed ourselves to become enslaved to it, thus allowing it to be the directive principle of our existence.
Within submitting ourselves to/as the mind, we have allowed ourselves to exist only in the mind, in ideas / thoughts / beliefs / emotions / feelings / judgments / blame / projections and believing the mind to be reality while disregarding what is actually around us as the physical, and thus we have allowed ourselves to separated ourselves from the actual physical reality as what is actually here, existing within/as an illusion of separation as the mind, instead of walking the earth, one and equal with all that exists here as the physical, as life. Thus, as the mind we are not actually living, because we are existing as an illusion - to actually live would be to stop existing in the mind as separation and to live in awareness of the physical reality and thus become one with all that is here as the physical.
We as human beings, have got it all in reverse, we have programmed ourselves to believe that our mind represents ourselves as who we are, we believe our personalities represents ourselves as who we are, we believe that being alive goes hand in hand with utilizing our mind - "I think therefore I am" - because that is how it's always been, that's what we've learnt from our parents and society - we've never once considered that we are the ones that have created these personalities as ourselves which would indicate that we, as our beingness, were here first independent on the personalities, and that from our first breath we have been here, alive - only then, after our first breath, did we start "thinking", we started learning and interpreting what we see, judging what we see, and soon enough we have programmed ourselves as organic robots, disregarding our own breath, disregarding our own physical body, disregarding the fact that all that exist, exists here together and creates together all that is here, disregarding the simple fact that all is one from perspective of physicality, as one "cloud" of substance that has no actual borders and definitions - we are not actually separated as we, the "intelligent" human, have perceived and believed ourselves to be. And, due to our misunderstanding of the existence which we live in, we have given more value to the illusion as the mind, and no value to life, as the earth, as nature, as other living beings, as each other, and as ourselves - and we are living the result and outflows of this misunderstanding as we see evident in a cruel and abusive world system, that doesn't support life, but thrives on competition, self interest, manipulation and judgment - all within the realms of the mind as separation.
Existing within/as the mind is existing within an illusion that allows us to ignore everything that actually exist in our physical reality, allows us to ignore life itself, as we base our perception within self interest - we have created ourselves as personalities, and now we believe ourselves to be defined by these personalities, and thus participate only with that which supports our personalities and benefits them, enhances them, thus, existing within self interest, existing within an inherent fear of losing ourselves and thus in constant competition with one another to win. not realizing and seeing that we require energy to recreate ourselves over and over again to maintain ourselves as the personalities/characters we know ourselves to be, not realizing the destructive nature this consumption of energy has on us and existence as a whole – It works in the same way as the production of energy for electricity for example, energy is created through the consumption of the physical, turning substance into energy, and thus, our consumerism and the mere use of energy is destroying the land we walk on, destroying our home - we will fine the same construct in all dimension - as above so below, as within so without - our energy production, created and used to maintain our personalities, to survive as we know ourselves as the mind, is consuming our physical bodies, and thus destroying our home.
The more one investigate, one will see that the mind, within it's thirst for energy, is in fact the cause of all the suffering/abuse/conflict that exist in the physical reality where living beings are starving, being raped, abused, as we manipulate each other, destroy our home planet, pollute the water, make animals, plants and nature go instinct - this is all the result of human beings "nature" as we have allowed ourselves to exist as the mind.
What I have realized through this process of self investigation, is that the mind is very deceptive and manipulative, it never actually looks out for my best interest as looking out for myself as life, it is only looking out for it's own interest/survival - what does this mean? The mind needs energy to exist, it needs our participation to generate this energy, it does this through creating conflict and friction through the perception of separation, just like a battery that requires a plus and minus, a polarity, and just like how friction creates heat - so the mind creates friction as conflict within ourselves and our relationships, and creates the perception of separation as polarity, to generate energy for it's survival, disregarding ourselves as the beingness as who we are as life, equal and one to all that is life, to all that is here, to the physical as ourselves - all done to ensure it's survival - so why do we call this "self interest"? because at the moment we exist as the mind, we believe it to be ourselves, we experience the survival fear as our own – We have not yet realized ourselves as life, we believe ourselves to be the mind, and thus are equal to it and one with it - and this is the process, of rebirthing ourselves as life from the physical, that we are walking within this journey to life - to discover ourselves as life, through letting go of anything and everything that we have defined as ourselves through the mind, to return to nothingness, so that from a clean slate, so to speak, we can realize ourselves, without the veil of the mind, but simply as who we are, because once we remove all the layers of the mind - all that remain is ourselves, as life, within/as breathe, here.
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Wednesday, October 31, 2012
This blog is a follow up from my previous blog
Day 69 - Friendship - Part 11 – Spitefulness – Part 1
Day 70 - Spitefulness - Part 2 - Self Forgiveness
Day 71 - Spitefulness - Part 3 - Self Commitments
Day 72 – Spitefulness – Part 4 – More Characters – Self Forgiveness
Day 73 - Spitefulness - Part 5 – Self Commitments
Day 74 - Spitefulness - Part 6 - Self Forgiveness
Day 75 - Spitefulness - Part 7 - Self Commitments
Day 76 - Spitefulness - Part 8 – Both Sides of the Coin - Self Forgiveness
Spite - Malicious ill will prompting an urge to hurt or humiliate.
It's funny in a way; my mind creates an idea, then my mind creates conflict within this idea, where reality contradict my idea, or when two ideas within me collide and cannot coexist without conflict, thus inner conflict, then I experience the conflict as a "negative" experience, as something undesirable, and then instead of seeing my responsibility for the entire situation which would indicate and may even result in changing my actions/behavior within realizing that I am creating my own self conflict, no, instead of doing that, I manipulate myself within/as the mind into believing that someone else is to blame and actually responsible for the conflict as the negative energy that I am experiencing, within this whole mess I believe myself as the mind, and turn spiteful towards this other being that I have projected onto them the blame/responsibility, and thus I hold them responsible for my self creation.
Within self honesty I realize another "disturbing" point, where all and everything that I experience being done to me, that I then blame and become spiteful towards, I am participating within. For instance, I resent people expecting things from me and then expressing their disappointment, and when it happens I become spiteful towards it/them, but then I allow myself to exist as the other side of the same coin where I expect things from other and then am disappointed and take it personally when they don't stand up to my expectations, and then I turn into spitefulness as well… now, the reason I react to peoples expectation is because of the construct I have created within myself when I expect from others, so when I expect from others I disregard them as the totality of their beingness and all I care about is my self interest which I want them to live by, and if they don't I am disappointed and become spiteful/resentful towards them, thus when I experience people expecting things from me I, within myself, expect them to exist as the pattern/construct I exist as, which I created in my mind, thus when I react to expectation I am in fact reacting to the construct of expectation that I created within myself and that I participate within.
So here again showing the basic law of “as within so without"as I within myself create that which I perceive to come from without me, as well as the principle of "do onto another as you would like them to do onto you" because what do is what I experience being done to me, and thus only if I do onto another that which I would like to be done onto me, will I experience that which I want to experience.
I commit myself to take and investigate every reaction I have towards another within realizing that it is showing me my own creation, and thus I commit myself to stop myself within breath and take responsibility for that which I created as the reaction/situation I am participating within.
I commit myself to stop myself from participating within the construct of expectation, when/as I see myself going into expectation I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here within realizing that expectation is based on ideas/beliefs and supports limitation while disregarding the other's beingness as the physical existence as what is here, within this I commit myself to when/as I see myself going into spitefulness, to investigate within myself what expectation I had of the situation/other which in my perception it/they didn't stand by, and within this I commit myself to clear myself from the expectation through writing, self forgiveness and corrective statements. I commit myself to stop myself from existing as expectation as what is not actually here as the physical, as life, and to bring myself back here, to the physical reality, to walk here, breath by breath, within realizing that here, spitefulness cannot exist, it can only exist as a construct of the mind, as an illusion that becomes alive as I give it life through my participation with it.
I commit myself to facing myself as the lowest point of existence, within allowing myself to face the lowest perceptions I have of self, and to from seeing the lowest and forgiving myself within self honesty, to stop the cycle of reaction when I perceive others in my environment are defining me as the lowest, within realizing that by allowing myself to be one with the lowest point, no one can then have power over me, and within forgiving myself as the lowest point I can be free of the fear of being seen/perceived as the lowest point, within realizing that the reaction towards how people see/perceive me is based on the self definition as the religion of self that I have accepted as myself, and thus "fight" to protect, but within allowing myself to let go of the positive idea I have about myself, and take on the lowest most negative points, I can in fact be free of the reaction, because there will be nothing to fear
I commit myself to stop myself from bullying others, within identifying a point of weakness and creating a situation where I can see myself as the dominator, as more than the other, I commit myself to stop participating within any pattern which is abusive/humiliating/suppressing of another being within realizing that as long as I participate within such constructs I will always perceive these construct being done to me by others, when in fact I will be experiencing my own creation, thus for these constructs of abuse/humiliation/suppression to stop, I must stop them within myself - as within so without, thus I am directly responsible for the abuse going on in the world through my participation with abuse towards others, I realize any participation with/as abuse/spitefulness/bullying towards others is showing me a hidden point of inferiority/weakness that I have accepted within/as myself, and thus I take on this point of weakness/inferiority, and investigate it as myself, not hiding from it any more, but allowing myself to one and equal to/as it, to be able to accept myself as it, and then to let it go within/through self forgiveness, to be able to trust myself that I will not be directed by this point and will not hide it within/through spitefulness/abuse
When I see myself within an emotional energetic reaction, where I feel like I can't take it anymore and want to burst out on someone else to share with me this negative energy - I stop and breathe, I close myself away and stop all interaction as I know where this is leading, and I do not accept myself to in any circumstances spread the energy like an infectious disease only for the self interest of feeling momentarily better, only to then go into guilt when the energy has passed and I am left with the awareness of what I had done. Thus I stop myself from passing on the energy of anger/spitefulness through breathing, until the energetic possession is over, thus, I commit myself to not communicate with others until I can trust myself to do so without passing on the energy to another, through being nasty/spiteful towards them, as this is simply unacceptable
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