Showing posts with label being right. Show all posts
Showing posts with label being right. Show all posts
Saturday, January 12, 2013
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to my opinion when going into arguments within the desire to win the argument and prove my opinion right
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe arguments are bad and should be avoided, within that not actually allowing myself to state my opinion straight forward but instead I go around it, as trying not to step on any bodies tows as a way to avoid conflict / argument if possible, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself in order to avoid the argument not realizing that by keeping quiet I am creating back chat and inner conflict within myself - and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself within the resistance / fear of conflict / arguments to create that which I fear as inner conflict
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within my starting point of fear of conflict I am creating the conflict within myself and in the communication with another, as I am not standing stable as who I am and presenting my points in common sense, but am speaking from a point of fear, thus not speaking clearly and directly, thus asking for conflict while trying to avoid it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate what I am actually saying and not speaking directly within the attempt to avoid conflict as an argument, within this I try to seem nice, I try to present my opinion as a win-win situation, as a best for all situation, not revealing my self interest even to myself, and thus I trap myself in a self belief that my opinion is valid while actually it is supporting my self interest, and within that I try and hide the self interest, as expressing myself awkwardly to not reveal what is actually behind my opinion as self interest - within this I see that this type of communication leads to conflict as the communication cannot be clear and direct
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to insist on my opinion within energy as the desire to be right, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify with my opinion as believe it represents me, as if it is a part of me and thus I take it personally when my opinion is not heard or accepted as I experience it as if I am not being heard and accepted, and thus I take it as rejection, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself within experiencing myself as rejected to go into my mind as back chat and attack and blame the other for creating this experience within me, not realizing that it is my doing through believing myself to be an opinion, and thus I am responsible for diminishing myself into an opinion and identify myself with it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like people are not listening to me when they do not agree with what I am saying within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not listen to others within the belief that I must be right, and thus I allow myself to participate in both sides of the coins, both as the opinionated and the not listening side, within this I realize that both sides are created within / as energy and thus both standing for an opinion in energy, or not listening in arrogance are equally in valid as they do not serve any one, I realize that by insisting in an opinion I identify with, or being insulted for not being heard, or not listening to another when they speak due to believing I am right, within all these participations I am compromising myself as diminishing myself to an opinion, compromising the opportunity to expand and learn from what others have to say, and participating in energy as within taking it personally and going into insult
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that anything I react to towards another I am actually showing myself a mirror back to self, and thus when I go into back chat of blame and judgment I am actually hiding from myself as to not see that I in fact am participating in the same pattern I am busy judging, within this I commit myself to investigate the points I react to, as experiencing myself as not being and investigate when do I not hear / listen to others as they speak, within this I commit myself to correct myself within a starting point of self honesty and make a directive decision if to listen to something or not, and within that to allow myself to express to the other person if I am listening or not, so as to make sure I don't participate in that which I judge, and within this I commit myself to investigate the point of morality that I am holding on to within the idea that people should listen to each other
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe people should listen to each other and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend to listen to people because I didn't want to tell them that am actually not listening, while going into my back chat and not allowing myself to be here with them in hearing them, or stand as myself in self honesty and communicate to them that I am not listening, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear telling someone I am not listening to them because I fear it will create conflict, instead of realizing that by pretending to listen to someone I am creating inner conflict as back chat, and in most cases external back chat as the point build up, or if I "slip" and express my back chat which will then come out in spitefulness / arrogance / boredom… instead of respecting the other as myself and giving myself credit that I can handle standing as myself in self honesty
Thursday, December 6, 2012
The following blog is a continuation of my previous one, please read it for further context if you haven’t already : Day 110 - Avoiding Work
It's just amazing how it is that once you open up a point within yourself, it starts existing in your life more prominently, to give you an opportunity to investigate it thoroughly and transcend it. So, I've had a chance to see up close, in a live situation, my manipulative and deceptive nature in regards to the personality of avoiding work.
Another cool point to see, is that it's not enough to just see what I am participating in, to transcend a point, one must write it out and apply self forgiveness, and then live the correction - change won't simply happen on it's own, change needs to be lived as self - yesterday I wrote out the point without applying self forgiveness, and today the same point was possessing me in my mind as back chat, inner conversations, and energetic reactions, thus, in this blog I will open up the point I've realized to be clear about it and then in the coming blogs I will open all the relevant points within self forgiveness to make sure I free myself from their enslavement and can apply myself practically as what is best for all life.
So, here is what happened: we had to make some changes in the work schedule, so some one suggested one option and I suggested another, we ended up arguing as I was trying to explain my point of view of why I think my opinion reflects the better choice. Within the conversation my self interest was exposed, I wanted to find a way to perhaps, if it could work out, to work a half hour less (this is what allowed me to see that I have been defining work as something that needs to be avoided as I've written in my previous blog) - they had caught onto me and basically invalidated my opinion, which makes sense, because we want to find a solution that is best for all, a solution that takes all points into consideration, and not just go by preference of the individual which in this case was clearly a manipulating to maybe, perhaps, possibly work a little less - within my argument I didn't consider the task at hand, nor the other people, I was only looking at it from a starting point of self interest.
An interesting point I saw within this experience, is that before I had caught onto myself, before I saw that the basis of my argument is self interest - my back chat, during the argument, as I was standing up and arguing for my opinion and explaining it, was of judgment towards them within the context that "they" are speaking from a starting point of self interest and are trying to manipulate me… lol… such a self deceptive mind… this clearly shows how any judgment towards another is a projection of what self in actually participating within, and judging self for it - it's never about the other being, any and all reactions/back chat/judgment within self is always self showing self back to self - this is why one must always investigate any and all reactions that come up within self and not trust/believe the mind - because it's a manipulative and deceptive son of a bitch.
We ended up deciding on a schedule, which was not what I wanted, but I accepted it, because I could see that my argument is self interest and not valid, though I felt frustrated, because I thought I, as my opinion, was right, but at that point I felt like I didn't care anymore, because the whole discussion/argument about our opinions was more draining than having to do the actual work, so I accepted it and let it go - or did I?...
Obviously, that wasn't the end of it, today as we were working and had applied the decision we came to the previous night, I realized that I was "right", I realized that my opinion from the previous night really did make more sense - so for a moment I felt the "I'm right" high within back chat and reliving the whole argument, and getting all energized about losing the conversation while being right... But believing I was right and the energy within it, didn't last for long, because it wasn't true in fact, and then it hit me as I realized the point of "who you are within it" - what happened was that, within our conversation the night earlier, I came to a specific conclusion based on self interest argument - What I've realized is that the fact that I would have gotten to the same conclusion based on an argument that stands to support all as what is best for all, doesn't make me right, the contrary, it allows me to see how deceptive/self interest/manipulative I have been. In self honesty I know that during the argument/conversation, I could see the common sense and the reasoning that would be best for all , but I couldn't bring myself to use it within my argument because it was not aligned with my self interest of avoiding work, I couldn't use that argument because it would mean that next time I would have to stand by it, and I wasn't willing to do so within the hidden self interest desire to avoid work.
So, the feeling that I was right in this situation can be looked at within the analogy of making enough mistakes in a mathematical equation, and ending up with the correct answer - that doesn't make one right, because it's not only about the conclusion / final result, it's about the way, it's about how you got to it, you have to be able to walk through all the steps of the equation and have all steps be valid - and so within our situation for all steps to be valid they need to be clear of self interest and in all way reflect the solution that is best for all, one must look at what was the starting point through out the entire "thought process" that made one come to a specific conclusion/opinion, and make sure all points along the way were valid, as considering all within the equation and reflecting a solution based on reasoning that is best for all life - so it's really not about what I say as my opinion, it's about who am I within the starting point of what I am saying - if I would stand as best for all, and consider all in the equation, my argument would be valid, and it would come across better - part of the reason I wasn't clear was because I was trying to make my point within hiding the self interest because I realize it isn't a valid argument, so the entire communication was off…
Ok cool, tomorrow self forgiveness, stay tuned
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Tuesday, December 4, 2012
This is a continuation from my previous blogs:
Day
104 - Nature reflecting my assertiveness
Day 105 - My relationship with Assertiveness
Day 106 - Assertiveness - Part 3 - Self forgiveness
Day 107 - assertiveness - "problem points"
Day 108 - limitation within self definition
I've started investigating the point of assertiveness and
my application within it, today I had an opportunity to see myself in action -
and thus here I am, to correct myself through writing, to open up the point, and
be more clear and direct the next time
such a situation occursWe've decided to plant some lavender, and within deciding where and how close together to plant them, there was a disagreement between us, I wanted them further apart, and the other being wanted them closer together - I don't have much experience with planting, and specifically I have never planted lavender, but my opinion was strong - I wanted the plants to have sufficient space to grow and not crowd each other, the other being took that into consideration as well, but wanted also to create a hedge of lavender and that would require them to be slightly closer together.
Since I had been writing about assertiveness I knew that I have an issue with standing and stating my perspective clearly and assertively, so I saw the point within me come up where I wanted to go to the "you know what, do it however you want, I don't really care, it's all cool", but I saw it was a point of giving up and not standing so, instead of breathing, looking at all the points, asking the being what is their consideration to see if I understand the totality of the point, instead of all that I went into the polarity of insisting that I know what I'm talking about, that I make sense, and all within the energy reaction of the desire to be right.
I didn't see this initially, because I was caught up with trying not to fall into the other side of the polarity of giving up, but gratfuly the point was shown to me by the other being as they pointed out that I'm in the desire to be right energy - this happened 2 minutes before I had to leave so that statement was "my cue" to leave, and as I left I was totally mind posseseed, I felt beaten, I felt like I lost, and within my mind the back chat of "no, she is the one that insisted, I am the one that was right, I made so much sense in what I said…"
I had some time to digest the situation, within breathing and stopping the back chat from possessing me, and of course, within self honesty I could see what I had done, I went to the other polarity, from the attempt not to be submissive I went to the aggression and insisting within the desire to being right.
After I had seen the point for myself I went into self judgment - "how could I fall in this point after writing about it just the other day", luckily, the other being came around and brought up the point in discussion, it gave me an opportunity to speak it out and hear their perspective as well, which was supporting in helping me to see what I haven't considered, and to stop the judgment that I was holding towards them as back chat, still trying to prove myself right
So, firstly I just want to point out the recognition and gratefulness of how communication can be the key of self change, if we would allow ourselves to support each other, and stand as mirrors to each other, without judgment, and if we we would allow ourselves to be open to hear/see in humbleness the points being shown to us - we would accelerate our process as we move towards a self honest self directed stand of self as life - so this is one cool point I see within this event, the value of supportive communication, and it just goes to show that we can't do this alone, we could benefit so much from each other if we would turn our application to supporting each other within clear and self honest communication, and not isolate ourselves and each other through communicate within spitefulness or competition.
The other point I am grateful for seeing through this event is that I hadn't stopped - in all my blogs you will see that I write the self commitment statements and the all state so very clearly that within any reaction, before you do anything, you firstly would support yourself by STOPPING AND BREATHING, so, here I was, reacting within the desire to be right, desire to be agreed with, and I didn't stop nor did I breathe, I was consumed with the energy and thus not considering myself within awareness but being blindly directed by the energy of desire.
Within our supportive communication I shared with the being all that I saw within myself and that I have been writing about it but haven't really found a solution as a practical application to what to do in such an event, then I said that all I can see is to stop and breathe - as I said it I realized how I haven’t applied this most basic application of support, I have been still remaining in the realm of wanting to be right, wanting to find a way to stop the energy without giving up the desire to be right, expecting that rush of energy when I am told "yes, you have convinced us, we'll do as you say"… I expressed that I don't know how to act/be without the energy, what do I do after I stop? How do I continue from there? Within our conversation it became so clear that really the one thing that has to be done is to STOP AND BREATHE, and only after I have stopped myself within breath will I come back to the conversation, and allow myself to be humble, when the being said the word humbleness it all fell in place -
I haven't been stopping/breathing - I have been holding on to my pride within the desire to be right, instead of allowing myself the freedom of humbleness, as an expression of life and not one of knowledge, not desiring to be right, not participating in a power struggle, simply being here, as one within and as myself as one with the other being, looking practically and softly at the situation, and within it expressing myself in breath, no energy, just me, here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself through and within the energy of the mind as the desire to be right
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "correct" one side of the polarity as being submissive, to the other side of the polarity as being aggressive/demanding within the desire to be right, thus not allowing myself to see that I am doing exactly the same, only on the other side of the same coin instead of stopping the participation with both sides of the polarity and allowing myself to exist and express myself within the stability of the equilibrium that is here
I commit myself to actually STOP myself and BREATHE, to stop my participation within the conversation/interaction if/when I see myself go into an energetic reaction, as the desire to be right, I commit myself to remove myself from participating in any conversation from within energy, because I realize it isn't in fact me participating as self expression, but as the mind as energy and thus creating and feeding off conflict and friction, thus creating consequences for myself and for others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think as back chat "hut I can't just stop a conversation in the middle, how can I do that, it will be weird" - yes, I realize it will be an adjustment, and there will be resistance at first, thus I commit myself to push through the resistance within the fear of being judged for changing myself, for stopping the conversation - I also realize I owe this to myself, I must commit myself to stopping the mind, to stopping my participation with energy, and thus, I realize that any change requires an active and consistent push, and I commit myself to push through this, I've seen what my participation within/as the mind as energy leads to - self compromise, abuse of myself and others, conflict and friction in my relationship with others as well as with myself - thus this must stop - I must stop this
When and as I see myself going into an energetic reaction within communicating with another being, I stop myself and breathe, I express that I am reacting, and thus cannot continue the conversation at the moment, I need to clear myself in order to continue. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being a pioneer, within fear of setting an example, because I realize that some people will react, but I also realize that I can't continue living my life through the constant consideration of what others will think of me, I must decide for/as myself who I want to be and them walk the chosen path as myself, living as an example for those who are willing to see, and those who are not willing - am I going to compromise myself as the living change to suit those that are not willing to see the common sense, that are insisting on remaining enslaved to the mind/money/consciousness - as I'm writing this I realize their roll in my life as they are always my mirror, thus I realize hat as long as I fear their reaction, I am actually fearing/judging myself as I fear/judge them - my relationship to them is showing me my relationship to self - showing me that I am not willing to see common sense because I am holding on to my self interest, I am allowing myself to remain enslaved to the mind/money/consciousness because I fear letting go of he safe zone I have been living within as self definition and familiar characters/environment
I realize the choice has always been mine - I chose to stop and change - so here I tackle another small single point, and commit myself to end it through stopping my participation within it - and I know what to do instead, instead of participating in the desire to be right as it comes up in a disagreement I stop, I breathe, I can express myself as why I am stopping, or not, depending the situation - but the main thing is that I do not allow myself to continue within the energy - I clear myself and only then speak.
thanks
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