Showing posts with label i don't want to. Show all posts
Showing posts with label i don't want to. Show all posts
Sunday, July 7, 2013
I started a new type of job and it requires me to push through and walk beyond my comfort zone, I have to approach people, call people, talk to people, and sell to people - when I was a child I wouldn't even like going up to the bagel stand and buy a bagel - I would ask the grown ups to do it for me, I didn't like phoning my friend's home (back in the day before everybody had their own private line or cell phone) because I didn't want their parents to pick up and talk to me, I hid through out my entire bat miztva party so I wouldn't have to talk to my relatives, and the list of situations where I avoided interaction with people goes on and on - and now I am walking into a line of work that is 100% people oriented…
So, why did I fear people so much? Well, there was "what if I don't speak clearly and they don't understand what I'm saying" (specifically in the states where I was self conscious about my Israeli accent), "what if they ask me something and I don't understand or hear the question and I have to have them ask or explain it again and it becomes an awkward moment", "what if they ask me how I am doing and I don't know what to answer" - I always had this idea about myself that I don't know how to hold a "small-talk" conversation, that I'm not good with the chit chat, that other people seem to do so naturally, I always felt awkward, I never like those awkward moments when no one is speaking and I feel like it's my responsibility to direct the conversation but I don't have anything substantial to say. This point is interesting because I'm been living and expressing myself as a character that is very friendly and outspoken, and I give an impression as if I am confidant and comfortable around people, but I have always been very self conscious and uncomfortable.
There is one specific memory I have, I was about 5 years old and I'm walking by a group of people, they are sitting on their porch and I remember I was worried about them watching me, so I walked by and had my head facing the ground but my eyes were turned towards them, looking at them, checking to see if they are looking at me - years later I've seen kids doing the same thing and it's hilarious because all I wanted was to be invisible, I didn't want to be seen or looked at, and then I go ahead and walk in such an obvious way, which draws that much more attention… lol…
I've spent so much time and energy worrying about what other people will think of me, allowing this to limit me into a freeze where I don't want to do or say anything is fear of the interaction, fear of messing up, making a fool out of myself, being seen as a joke, humiliating myself, and so on.
I've learnt to deal with this construct but I is very much still alive and kicking within me, still wanting to be validated and approved, still feeling awkward speaking to people that I am intimidated by, still get intimidated by people that for some reason I have defined as superior in some way, or myself, in relation to them, as inferior.
So I'm now facing this journey, and this job is a great opportunity to walk through these points, it's kind of like a big practice field, where I get to push myself again and again and again to face these inner demons as these fears that I have allowed myself to be directed by and that I have allowed to control my life.
I'll open this point up further with self forgiveness, to prepare me for the coming week, and I'll come back to this point as I walk it and as points come up. Already just by starting writing about it all these memories came up , so there is plenty of work to do here in clearing myself and allowing myself to change out of this character that I have lived throughout my life, as it has not been supportive, nor effective at all, and it's about time to let it go and "grow up" as I nurture myself and grow upwards into and as myself, as to live and express the full potential of myself that I have not been allowing myself to live and exist as because I have been allowing myself to diminish myself in fears as self limitation.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Working - all my life I knew that working is a hassle, no one really
wants to work, people work because they have to, and I have been
avoiding work all my life, as much as I can, whether it's cleaning my
room as a child, or apartment as I grew up, whether it's doing my home
work for school, or assignments for university, whether it's holding a
nine to five job or any "real" job for that matter, anything that I
perceived to be a hassle, not from my own personal experience but from
observing others around me as family, friends, television shows - I have
tried to avoid, so in essence I never gave myself a chance to see who I am within it, I always simply defined myself within the personality of "I don't like to work".
Since I have defined myself within the "I don't like to work" personality, I have been doing what I can to avoid it, and to do so I have compromised myself, I have participated in manipulations, I have used others to do things for me - within this I expected other to experience it in the same way, so I have been suspicious and judgmental towards others as I perceive them to be avoiding work, cutting corners, slacking off, getting out of the responsibility they should be doing.
When I have been in a working environment I always was alert to make sure I am not being taken advantage of, because that's what people do, as I do, they will manipulate the situation to do as little as possible and then I will be stuck with doing all the work - and this was unacceptable - so I had to be even more manipulative to be sure I am not being coned as I am busy conning the others, to be sure that I am not doing more than anybody else, that we are equal, when in fact I really always made sure that the worst case scenario would be that we do equal work, the better scenario would be that I am the one doing less than others
So, within the belief that working is something that needs to be avoided, as a given fact, I have existed as a neurotic being, living in the anticipation of someone manipulating me and making me do all the work, which I would hate, because that's how it is - "I hate work". So I find myself looking, hunting, to catch others as they slack off and expect me to do the work, as they "innocently" give me more to do while they "sit around" - I have been interpreting people in such a way that would prove me right, I have concluded, without having the full picture, that they are doing exactly that which I would like to do, and then I judge and blame them and resent them for it. Talk about hypocrisy…
The funny thing is, that when I give myself a chance to explore work, I find that I actually enjoy it, when I allow myself to step out of the character of "I don't like working" I find that through working I expand, I'm alive, I'm learning, I'm contributing, I'm in action - I mean, anything can be defined as work, anything that one decides to do, any responsibility one choses to take on, and it's just about how one perceive it once the decision has been made - it can be seen as a hassle or it can be simply done as a decision, without any emotional/energetic charge to it - simply doing what needs to be done, while breathing, and living, and even enjoying it - I mean, if it needs to be done, and if I am going to do it, then I might as well take it in, and enjoy myself - I would be crazy not to, it is insane to do something while going on in my mind about how I am screwed, and how I hate it, and basically to have a pity party in one's mind, instead of being here, in the physical reality, where things need to be done for things to happen, and to enjoy the fact that I can do them, I can contribute - I am a part of this world, I am breathing this air - why would I want to give back whatever and whenever I can?
So, I've been living within an idea that I don't like work and I should try to do as little as possible, and within this I believe everybody wants to do as little as possible so I look for their manipulation, and blame them that every thing they do is to manipulate and get out of doing the work, within this I haven't allowed myself to see that self honestly I am doing that very thing - obviously this has been causing conflict and friction in my life, within myself as an inner experience, and within my relationships, as I have blamed and played the "fare game"
I realize I must align myself with what is best for all life as myself, thus, I need to change my starting point towards work, I realize I have 24 hours in a day no matter what I do in it - what does it matter if I work or sit around or watch a TV series - I am here and breathing through any activity, the only difference between them is a point of preference based on a value system that I have never questioned and simply accepted from my environment - and I've seen that when I stop the back chat about not liking work I find that I actually enjoy working, so I need to clear out the idea of trying to get out of work, to clear out the back chat so that I can be here as I do whatever is required to be done.
Within this, I realize that I have spending lots of time/energy within thoughts trying to figure out what others are doing, how long are they doing it and making sure that I don't do any more than anyone else, and then, when I catch others within what I perceive/interpret to be slacking off, I use it as a justification to slack off myself -"is they are slacking off, why should I do all the work, that's not fare, I'll show them, I won't do as much either" - instead of standing one and equal within myself and honoring myself within the agreement I have made to do the task at hand regardless of what anyone else is doing - it's not about them, it's about me - if I am in a situation that I obviously chose to be in, to honor and respect myself would be to do what I have committed myself to do, and not create back chat which just create conflict and friction within myself and my relationships with those around me- if I've committed to do something then that's what I'll do, even if every one else is not, and if I need to work a little harder or if more time is necessary to complete a task, I'll do it - not because anybody is taking advantage of me, but because I have made a directive decision to do something and I will not dishonor myself as life by not standing one and equal to/as my decision - so I mustn't compare myself and define who I will be according to who others are, especially when I judge them and blame them and basically project all of my shit onto them, and then use my perception of their behavior as justification to do the exact same thing I am judging the for.
I realize that the only way that I will ever live as self honor/respect/dignity is if I actually honor myself and not do that which I judge, live as a living example of "give as you would like to receive", "do onto others as you would like being done onto you", love thy neighbor as yourself" - and it start with honoring my own commitments, towards myself and towards others and simply do what I said I would do, while simply breathing, one breath at a time, and doing what can be done in each breath - no back chat, no energy, no reaction, no judgment, no comparison, no competition, no blame - just living as breath and walking the physical in the most practical way, within directing myself and honoring my own self direction.
Within this construct of not liking to work, there is another point of justification to not enjoying work, and it is within another self created personality, as I have defined myself as someone that likes working together and doesn't like working alone -I realize that this is self limitation - if I am doing something it shouldn't matter what anybody else is doing, yes, it's nice to have company and work together can have it's benefits - working together can be a preference, but that's all it is, a preference, it shouldn't be a point of self limitation as self sabotage - it should direct my experience of myself, I shouldn't allow myself to be directed by a preference - I realize that all it is, is a preference -so when it happens in such a way - cool, but within realizing I am here and stable either way - if I don't get my preference met and I end up working alone, that should be just as cool - nothing of such a sort should move me within energy and reaction, I mustn't allow it to direct me - I have seen and experienced for myself that the outflow of allowing myself to be directed by preferences instead of directing myself as what is best for all within practicality is destructive - why would I allow it?
I will continue with this point in my next blog
Thanks
Since I have defined myself within the "I don't like to work" personality, I have been doing what I can to avoid it, and to do so I have compromised myself, I have participated in manipulations, I have used others to do things for me - within this I expected other to experience it in the same way, so I have been suspicious and judgmental towards others as I perceive them to be avoiding work, cutting corners, slacking off, getting out of the responsibility they should be doing.
When I have been in a working environment I always was alert to make sure I am not being taken advantage of, because that's what people do, as I do, they will manipulate the situation to do as little as possible and then I will be stuck with doing all the work - and this was unacceptable - so I had to be even more manipulative to be sure I am not being coned as I am busy conning the others, to be sure that I am not doing more than anybody else, that we are equal, when in fact I really always made sure that the worst case scenario would be that we do equal work, the better scenario would be that I am the one doing less than others
So, within the belief that working is something that needs to be avoided, as a given fact, I have existed as a neurotic being, living in the anticipation of someone manipulating me and making me do all the work, which I would hate, because that's how it is - "I hate work". So I find myself looking, hunting, to catch others as they slack off and expect me to do the work, as they "innocently" give me more to do while they "sit around" - I have been interpreting people in such a way that would prove me right, I have concluded, without having the full picture, that they are doing exactly that which I would like to do, and then I judge and blame them and resent them for it. Talk about hypocrisy…
The funny thing is, that when I give myself a chance to explore work, I find that I actually enjoy it, when I allow myself to step out of the character of "I don't like working" I find that through working I expand, I'm alive, I'm learning, I'm contributing, I'm in action - I mean, anything can be defined as work, anything that one decides to do, any responsibility one choses to take on, and it's just about how one perceive it once the decision has been made - it can be seen as a hassle or it can be simply done as a decision, without any emotional/energetic charge to it - simply doing what needs to be done, while breathing, and living, and even enjoying it - I mean, if it needs to be done, and if I am going to do it, then I might as well take it in, and enjoy myself - I would be crazy not to, it is insane to do something while going on in my mind about how I am screwed, and how I hate it, and basically to have a pity party in one's mind, instead of being here, in the physical reality, where things need to be done for things to happen, and to enjoy the fact that I can do them, I can contribute - I am a part of this world, I am breathing this air - why would I want to give back whatever and whenever I can?
So, I've been living within an idea that I don't like work and I should try to do as little as possible, and within this I believe everybody wants to do as little as possible so I look for their manipulation, and blame them that every thing they do is to manipulate and get out of doing the work, within this I haven't allowed myself to see that self honestly I am doing that very thing - obviously this has been causing conflict and friction in my life, within myself as an inner experience, and within my relationships, as I have blamed and played the "fare game"
I realize I must align myself with what is best for all life as myself, thus, I need to change my starting point towards work, I realize I have 24 hours in a day no matter what I do in it - what does it matter if I work or sit around or watch a TV series - I am here and breathing through any activity, the only difference between them is a point of preference based on a value system that I have never questioned and simply accepted from my environment - and I've seen that when I stop the back chat about not liking work I find that I actually enjoy working, so I need to clear out the idea of trying to get out of work, to clear out the back chat so that I can be here as I do whatever is required to be done.
Within this, I realize that I have spending lots of time/energy within thoughts trying to figure out what others are doing, how long are they doing it and making sure that I don't do any more than anyone else, and then, when I catch others within what I perceive/interpret to be slacking off, I use it as a justification to slack off myself -"is they are slacking off, why should I do all the work, that's not fare, I'll show them, I won't do as much either" - instead of standing one and equal within myself and honoring myself within the agreement I have made to do the task at hand regardless of what anyone else is doing - it's not about them, it's about me - if I am in a situation that I obviously chose to be in, to honor and respect myself would be to do what I have committed myself to do, and not create back chat which just create conflict and friction within myself and my relationships with those around me- if I've committed to do something then that's what I'll do, even if every one else is not, and if I need to work a little harder or if more time is necessary to complete a task, I'll do it - not because anybody is taking advantage of me, but because I have made a directive decision to do something and I will not dishonor myself as life by not standing one and equal to/as my decision - so I mustn't compare myself and define who I will be according to who others are, especially when I judge them and blame them and basically project all of my shit onto them, and then use my perception of their behavior as justification to do the exact same thing I am judging the for.
I realize that the only way that I will ever live as self honor/respect/dignity is if I actually honor myself and not do that which I judge, live as a living example of "give as you would like to receive", "do onto others as you would like being done onto you", love thy neighbor as yourself" - and it start with honoring my own commitments, towards myself and towards others and simply do what I said I would do, while simply breathing, one breath at a time, and doing what can be done in each breath - no back chat, no energy, no reaction, no judgment, no comparison, no competition, no blame - just living as breath and walking the physical in the most practical way, within directing myself and honoring my own self direction.
Within this construct of not liking to work, there is another point of justification to not enjoying work, and it is within another self created personality, as I have defined myself as someone that likes working together and doesn't like working alone -I realize that this is self limitation - if I am doing something it shouldn't matter what anybody else is doing, yes, it's nice to have company and work together can have it's benefits - working together can be a preference, but that's all it is, a preference, it shouldn't be a point of self limitation as self sabotage - it should direct my experience of myself, I shouldn't allow myself to be directed by a preference - I realize that all it is, is a preference -so when it happens in such a way - cool, but within realizing I am here and stable either way - if I don't get my preference met and I end up working alone, that should be just as cool - nothing of such a sort should move me within energy and reaction, I mustn't allow it to direct me - I have seen and experienced for myself that the outflow of allowing myself to be directed by preferences instead of directing myself as what is best for all within practicality is destructive - why would I allow it?
I will continue with this point in my next blog
Thanks
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