Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Thursday, April 25, 2013
This is a continuation of my previous blogs:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
Day 177 - Not Pushing Myself
Day 178 - I can only start Walking from Here
Day 179 – I want to but I don’t want to
Day 180 – Building a Bridge
Day 181 – Self Belief “I am not Dedicated”
Day 182 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self forgiveness
Day 183 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self Commitments
Day 184 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Further Investigation
Day 185 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Waking Myself Up
And specifically a direct follow up to my previous blog Day 186 – Self Belief – “I’m not a Hard Worker”, if you haven’t already, please read it for further context.
By making the statement “I am not a hard worker” there are a few dimensions / layers that I am referring to in relation to the definition I have given “hard worker”.
By stating to myself that I am not a hard worker, I am saying that I don’t have the skill set of being a hard worker, as i don’t have the valuable list of characters I relate to being a hard worker, characters of integrity, taking responsibility, following through, completing a task, being humble.
But, at the same time I am not only saying I am incapable, I am actually saying I don’t want to, as I have defined the work that hard workers do, to be beneath me, I am a snob to such tasks, and when I find myself facing these jobs, I have to push through a lot of resistance, jobs like this that I have faced lately were cleaning the toilet, raking, doing physical labor, it is “not for me”, I’d rather have someone else do it – maybe this explains why I am proud of “them” for being hard workers, where I realize these tasks have to be done, because they are practical physical tasks and are necessary for the maintenance and up keeping of the physical environment we live in, and so I am happy that some people can do these tasks and not be bothered by it – obviously I never considered asking them if they really enjoy it, because I prefer not knowing and believing that they are cool as they seem, so long as I don’t have to get my hands dirty. Not wanting to get my hands dirty but wanting the job to be done – spoken like a true elitist.
And so, I have separated myself from this concept, as I do not see myself as all the positive aspects I have attached to the term “hard worker” as I’ve mentioned in my previous blog: “respecting “hard workers” for doing the actual valuable physical jobs, actually getting things done in the physical, they can be left on an island and they will survive because they are physical, they do what needs to be done, they don’t complain, they don’t manipulate, they don’t try to get out of it, they have integrity, respect for the work they do, and they can do any work with pride.”
And at the same time I am saying that I am “too good” for this type of job, I should have a white collar / high class job – someone else should be a hard worker, not me, judging the work as inferior, and those who do the work as inferior, and thus, I do not want to be defined / judged as inferior so I separate myself from such jobs.
So, it seems as I’ve created an interesting polarity here – where I see hard worker as both positive and negative, superior and inferior, and I have separated myself from both aspects. What I see here is that I am the one judging these tasks - yes, it is based on a social accepted judgment, but I am accepting and participating with this judgment towards particular jobs / tasks as being inferior, so first thing’s first – I realize I must remove the judgment.
Then, once I remove the judgment towards specific jobs I can redefine what it really means to be a “hard worker”, within exploring how I can actually live the definition as myself as a living expression of myself, rather than separating myself from it as I have done thus far, within limiting myself and trapping myself in the self belief of not being a hard worker.
Self forgiveness and redefining “hard worker” in my next blogs to come.
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Wednesday, February 27, 2013
for context please read my previous blogs:
Day 160 – A life changing Decision
Day 161 - Shame - I've done nothing with my life
Day 162 - Running ahead of myself
Day 163 - Running ahead of myself - Self forgiveness
Day 164 - Enslaved to Memories - Failed opportunity relived
I have written about this memory some more - here I am highlighting some key sentences I extracted from my writings, and will address them to support myself within this journey
"I didn’t feel comfortable selling these products to people because I hadn't used them and could only recommend them based on the recommendations I got from those who sold them to me" - what would be the correction in such a case? How can I support myself to prevent from this point to reoccur? - so make sure I can speak for myself because I have tested it out for myself and have actually seen the results - thus - I commit myself to actually apply myself by using the program and testing it out for myself, within this I realize that products can be sold without the sales persona testing them out for themselves, like if it's for a specific condition - this doesn't mean that the salesperson cannot stand by the product in confidence - thus, I realize I must ask for more and more stories / verifications stating that this product is valid and effective - I realize I must come to a point of actually trusting that I am presenting these people with something that will benefit them, to do so I realize the best way would be to walk the point for myself and learn from first hand the validity / effectiveness of the program, this, in order to stand by / behind what I say, within the principle of "prevention is the best cure" as I would be preventing the back chat and moral points that may come up and sabotage me - thus, the point of prevention is to be stable and clear in regards to the product before I start selling it, and within this, to realize that this stability will only grow as long as I keep moving - so this too is a point of process - within this also the point of not allowing myself to be directed by the back chat and self doubt that may come up - I breathe and continue, to the next and next and next - every time learning from myself, how did I present it, what questions did they have, what did I not know to answer, and from there to investigate, to find out and become that much more clear in regards to the point.
"another difficulty is that I took all rejections personally" - I realize that if someone doesn't want to product it's fine, it's isn't personal and isn’t a failure - what I must do is investigate what I have done and what I can do better, how I can learn from the experience and perfect myself for the next time - I direct myself to take full responsibility, I check myself - did I react to anything, did I participate in thoughts the previous day, I deliberately find all points I can take responsibility for so that I can be in control of the situation and direct myself more effectively the next time - still within realizing that not all people will buy the product - I am presenting them with an opportunity that will benefit them, they will either take it or not. It is their process as well, all I can do is present them with a supportive tool as a point of prevention - if they take it or not is up to them.
"I couldn't approach people because I feared them rejecting the idea / product / opportunity" when I experience myself going into fear of rejection - I stop and breathe, I realize that being rejected cannot hurt me unless I let it, I realize that if I allow myself to be directed by the rejection in fear of failure I will in fact manifest for myself the very failure I fear, because it's common sense that I must push through the fear / resistance and keep on going until I get to the one that will buy the product / idea, if I stop before hand I am failing myself - I realize that I cannot fail if I just keep on walking, learning and pushing through the resistance one breath at a time - I can only fail if I stop pushing, stop walking, stop trying.
"I failed because I didn't have any tools to support me" - now I do, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for failing, not taking into consideration that I didn't have the tools to support myself through the difficulties - but now I do, I have writing, I have breathing, I have self forgiveness, I realize that all mind participation as justification or self blame is always going to end up hurting me, as it has in the past, through self sabotage as not valuing myself, not believing I am worthy and so on - thus, any thoughts / back chat that are not supporting me, I know are self sabotage and I will not allow myself to participate in any thought / back chat that is anything but self support - and I realize that as long as this back chat is coming up it is showing me who I still am allowing myself to exist as - thus, I must investigate and clear myself from the past, let go all memories that have defined me as a unworthy failure - only through forgiveness and letting go, through investigating myself in self honesty, humbleness and self embracement - will I be able to stop the mind as self sabotage and start living effectively as self expression, as life. Within this, I also realize it is a point of simply stopping participation - thus ,when thoughts / back chat of self victimization come up, I stop them immediately and breathe, I do not allow myself to entertain myself within / as them. when and as I experience myself in need of support, I stop myself and breath, and go ask for help / assistance / support - I realize people have done what I'm doing, they have faced what I am facing and thus, can assist me - it is my responsibility to find the tools / assistance necessary for me to keep on walking.
"the memory is of me not being able to push through, and within it fear of what if again I will not be able to push through" I realize it is up to me, it is always only up to me to push through - thus, if I see myself not pushing through I must stop and investigate, and make a decision - am I going to allow myself to abuse myself in self sabotage, am I going to allow myself to diminish myself through not pushing through, to prove to myself that I am unworthy - or, am I going to stand up within and as myself, commit myself to myself, make the decision to walk one breath at a time, one step at a time - and for each and every one and single step, I take the decision again, and again and again - until I have pushed the resistance away, until I have proven to myself that I am stronger than the resistance that I have created.
"I didn't want to go into it alone" I realize I must be willing to walk this alone - I realize that as long as I am dependent on the desire of having a partner I am in fact doing so from a starting point of fear, as I don't trust myself to stand and walk alone - thus, in order to establish self trust I must allow myself to walk this alone, I must let go of the desire / expectation of having a partner, because I realize it is a point of wanting to share the responsibility and the only reason I do is because I don't yet trust myself - within this, I realize that in order to establish self trust I must be willing to jump in, and take on whatever comes my way - within realizing that I CAN do this, I can continue breathing I can continue walking - any belief that I can't is just that - a belief, it isn't actual if I don't participate with it, as it will dissipate into thin air - as long as I don't allow myself to become it and live it into the physical as my expression
"last time I pushed a partner to walk with me, from a starting point of fear, and they agreed to do so, but were not into it really" - this cause friction, because I expected them to be as excited as me, but they weren't - thus I realize I wanted them to be excited to validate my decision, and when I saw they were not - I couldn't stand, because I placed my ability to stand on their participation - I realize that is not practical, because as long as I place my power on other people I cannot direct myself, as I am creating myself as dependent, instead of self reliant - thus, I commit myself to refrain from putting pressure on anyone to walk this point with me, I refrain from any form of emotional manipulation, and if anyone decides to walk with me, I make sure they are really dedicated to the point , and even so, if they are, I take full responsibility, I allow myself to become the directive principle, as to stand whether or not they stand with.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being the directive principle, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an idea that being directive is being bossy and I have defined it in a negative way - though I realize that any judgment is of the mind and cannot be trusted - and now, as I look at the point - being directive is not negative, it is practical - it might come across some resistance, and that will contradict my desire to please everyone - so now looking at it - what is negative, Being directive or desiring to please? - as I see it now being directive is living, being directive is taking responsibility and doing what is necessary to be done, where as the desire to please is limiting, is dependent, is not actually free - I realize I must let go this point of desire to please and be liked and accepted - I realize that even though I experience the fear of loss, there isn't really anything to lose, yet so much to gain, as I would be gifting myself the gift of life - as I stop living according to others and start living as myself, allowing myself to empower myself as I stand as self directive principle
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Tuesday, February 19, 2013
for context please read my previous blogs:
Day 160 – A life changing Decision
Day 161 - Shame - I've done nothing with my life
What I didn't realize is that not everything is in my control, actually, when looking at it, almost nothing is.
What happened was that I had made the decision, but then I had to communicate to others that are involved with the point, and it turned out that the opportunity that I was preparing myself for, was no longer available, I had waited too long, or maybe it wasn't even available to begin with - come to think about it, it was never actually presented to me as a real opportunity but just as an idea, and I took the idea as reality, and started planning and projecting lovely imaginations of my predicted future, "now that I have made the decision and have already changed my life"… lol…
Anyway, for a moment there, when I was told the opportunity was not on the table, I wasn't laughing, I was actually very disappointed, and felt foolish for have seen it as a done deal in my mind, as a future projections and imaginations, existing in a complete illusion - Because, the opportunity was never actually here, as a real physical opportunity, it was merely an idea - but I didn't see it as such, I had run ahead of myself in complete separation from reality, from myself, from what is here. Telling people about this life changing decision, writing about it here in my blog, and really believing that because I had made the decision, that the point is done - believing that this is how life works, I decide on something and it simply happens…
What's cool about these previous days in regards to the decision is that I actually took it, I made the decision, what I didn't realize that it's not all up to me, and there are other forces at play, other people in the game.
So, after my initial disappointment, I tried to figure out what I had done wrong, was it because I told people about it, should I have kept it to myself until the deal was closed? Was it because I got so excited about it, is this existence punishing me through the polarity excitement / disappointment? Was it because of the fear and worry that came up within me, did I manifest my fears of failing and have failed myself before even starting anything?...
At this point I realized that I am not actually looking nor investigating in self honesty, but that I am now busy blaming myself, pointing a blaming finger at myself in anger, as if I have failed myself for missing this chance - I realized I am participating in energy as looking to see where I was wrong, not from a practical starting point of common sense as to learn from the situation and to expand from it, to realize another layer of myself, but from an energetic starting point of blame, as a form of self punishment, and thus, I felt worse by the minute as I found more and more points that I didn't stand in breath - so I became angry with myself, and not realizing that once again I've been busy getting lost in my mind instead of breathing here, in realizing that nothing physically had changed from a moment ago, everything that was here a moment ago is still here, I am here, and that which was never here was not really taken away as I experienced it.
I believed my mind created future projections to be of reality, and so I then experienced loss, as if I lost something that I had, but really I just lost an idea, an illusion, there was nothing to lose really - within this I realize that even if there was something to lose, would that justify my self blame and anger, would that justify allowing myself to experience this energetic experience as a form of self punishment? Even if there was something to lose, would I really be losing anything, or just an idea, a self definition, an energetic attachment?... I could really only lose something either created in my mind as an illusion, or something I have separated from myself and have placed value in that thing instead of equalizing myself to it, and thus experiencing loss, as if I am losing that part of myself that I haven't claimed as myself in equality.
I then experienced shame and embarrassment for telling people and now having to face them and telling them that I was premature, and that what I told them was not based on reality, not noticing that I was again in my mind, in future projections as to how will I face them, how will they react? Will they mock me for being so foolish, will they pity me for losing my opportunity?...
Man, why do I keep doing this, trying to solve things in my mind, always trying to figure things out in my mind, never allowing myself to simply be here, to breathe in self trust, to slow myself down, to return to myself, to return to the physical as myself, to be here, to live. I mean, what actually happened? Nothing really, I had a plan and it changed, I decided to do something and it didn't work out due to things that are out of my control - that's all that happened, but instead of seeing it realistically, I have spent all that time in my mind, creating and building up energy, creating and accumulating ideas, interpretations, beliefs, judgments, blame, justifications and so on, basically creating internal friction and conflict, creating my own suffering through my acceptance, allowance and participation within / as the mind.
I realize though, that my mind isn't the problem, all it does is reflects me back to myself, as through my participation with my mind I can see who I am as the beingness of myself, as what I have been accepting and allowing as myself. So, what is my mind showing me? It is showing me who I am, who I, as the beingness as myself, am accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be - lets have a look: self doubt, self hatred / anger / shame, self neglect / abuse / separation / hope / illusion - it is showing me that I don't know who I am, and that I am looking for myself in the future as a mind illusion, instead of realizing that I am right here, and since I am in fact right here, in every moment, I can get to know myself, let go the barrier of self judgment, and find myself within myself, here - I will not be more than myself if the future plays out as I planed, just as I will not be less of myself if it doesn't - yet, this is how I experience it, thus, my mind is showing me that I am not unconditional towards myself, my self value is dependent on how reality plays out, and within it my self respect, self honor, self love, self dignity - if this is who I am, as what I accept myself to be, what I created myself as, then I defiantly want to change.
Why am I not embracing myself in my own arms, like I would an innocent child? why am I beating myself up over this? Why am I looking to blaming myself? Am I doing so in order to justify to myself my self believed worthlessness once again?
This is so messed up!!!
How did I become this self abusive creature? Torturing myself in believing the abusive illusions of the mind while disregarding what is here as the physical, instead of supporting myself to stand as life, to empower myself, to build self trust, to find self care within and as myself and to embrace myself within myself, in understanding that I have created myself as who I am over years, and it will take self dedication to change myself, it will take a process, and as long as I am walking there is no point on beating myself up, because beating myself up is part of the "old me" that I want to change, I don't want to be that person that beats themselves up for making mistakes, it's sad.
In the blogs to come I will open up the points in self forgiveness, to investigate the points further, to answer all the questions that came up here, to understand myself more, to forgive myself, to allow myself to let go, and to direct myself to change.
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Tuesday, December 11, 2012
The following blog is a continuation of my previous writings, please read them for further context if you haven’t already :
Day 110 - Avoiding Work
Day 111 – Self interest can never be “right”
Day 112 - Avoiding work –Part 3 - Self Forgiveness
Day 113 – Enjoying Work
Day 114 - Avoiding work –Part 5 - blame and manipulation - Self Forgiveness
Day 115 - Completing the job
The main points that came up within me that I found most prominently within this pattern of avoiding/resisting work are the following:
- Defining a job as "less than" as an inferior job/task, within this exist a fear within me of being associated with that job - "if I am the one doing this inferior job it must mean that I'm inferior", and on the other hand I participate within Judgment towards other people for working at specific jobs that I have judged as inferior - I wouldn't want to go out with someone working those jobs, I won't respect someone working those jobs, I will define them in alignment to their job - based on the accepted social status I have labeled the job with
- Calculating what everybody is doing and making sure I don't do more than others within fear of being taken advantage of - this point as well is related to fear of inferiority, and thus the self definition as inferior, because how I see it is that if I am manipulated into doing more work, or am being taken advantage of, then I must be inferior to have been out smart and thus have been manipulated / taken advantage of
- Defining work as something that needs to be avoided, within this I will stare at the clock, I will look at the time waiting for "work time" to end, within this I do not allow myself to be here in the totality of myself and practically do what I need to do to the best of my ability because I am preoccupied in my mind, looking at the time, and not focusing on the work, within this point I will deliberately do a half ass job because I'm doing it within a starting point of "I have to do it even though I'd rather not", instead of "taking pride" in the work I'm doing within honoring myself as the task and do it to the best of my ability
The common denominator within all these specific patterns is the back chat that goes with them, the back chat is always telling me that "I shouldn't be doing the work", "I should get out of it", "someone else should be doing it"," it isn't important", "this job isn't worthy", "why am I doing this shitty job" and so on...
Since I have started walking this point through opening it up with writing and self forgiveness, what I found most supportive for me at the moment, is to not follow my back chat, what I mean by this, is to hear what the back chat is telling me to do or not to do, and simply not follow it - I realize the "ideal" point is to stop the back chat all together, but I must say that it's not easy for me to "stop the back chat" - I'm at a point where I have become more aware of the back chat so I notice it as back chat and listen to it in awareness, the next "stage" would be to stop the back chat within breath, but this point is still not "working" for me, or I am not working it - so, within realizing that back chat is a form of self sabotage that is done in the name of self interest but is only really in the interest of the mind - what I have found supportive for me, as an application that I am able to do and "works for me" is that I do whatever it is in spite of the back chat - I hear what the back chat is saying and I'll push to do the opposite - so for instance when my back chat tells me to cut some corners cause no body is watching, I will push myself to do it even more specifically than I would normally do, or when my back chat is telling me that it's not fair that I'm doing all the work, then I'll go ahead and do even more - like a form of spite towards back chat, but not energetic spite, just a realization that it is trying to fuck with me, as the mind always seems to be in my best interest but it never really is as I have realized that living within self interest isn't really my self interest, it is only the interest the mind and the consequences are never pleasant for me and those around me, as the mind is not aligned with what is best for all, as it is only aligned with it's own self interest which is to cause and create friction and conflict as energy - I know back chat is fucking with me, so what I have decided to do is to spite it and do the opposite of what it tells me to do - and it's been really cool – I’m learning to become self honest through this process of seeing my back chat and then looking within self honesty as what must I do – thus, back chat has actually been a self support tool to allow me to become self honest, which is another cool point to see – everything around me, my back chat and reactions – it’s all giving me an opportunity to realize myself within self honesty – and it’s only up to me if i take advantage and live the opportunity or not.
I realize this method isn't one to hold onto for ever, it is merely a bridge, to stop letting myself be directed by the back chat, to then direct myself within self awareness and within considering what is best for all life in the context that I am dealing with within identifying what needs to be done - and if a thought comes up telling me not to do something I take it as indication that I actually know that it needs to be done, otherwise the thought wouldn't have come, so I simply do it - it's become almost like a challenge, where my mind tells me "don't do it" and I then have the opportunity to see it and decide to do it.
Since I've started doing this it's been fascinating to be aware of what I have always seen and known what I "should" do, but have blindly followed my mind as it tells me not to do it - now I'm more self directive as the mind has that much less power over me, I am braking the chains of the enslavement towards the mind - I have just been doing this practice in relation to the specific point of working, but I'm sure I can become aware of other aspects and points in my life that this practice can serve me in braking another self accepted chain that I have created within my relationship to my mind.
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Monday, December 10, 2012
The following blog is a continuation of my previous writings, please read them for further context if you haven’t already :
Day 110 - Avoiding Work
Day 111 – Self interest can never be “right”
Day 112 - Avoiding work –Part 3 - Self Forgiveness
Day 113 – Enjoying Work
Day 114 - Avoiding work –Part 5 - blame and manipulation - Self Forgiveness
Within taking the responsibility to do something, one must realize all aspects of the task - what I find tends to happen to me, is that I will take on a responsibility, it can be as simple as making a cake as I did the other day, and will not take into consideration all parts of the task from beginning to end. What I find is that I will exhibit a form of "selective memory syndrome" where, when it comes to ending the task, which includes cleaning the mess I've made while making the cake, and cleaning up the cake tray once it's done, I will go into resistance and "forget" that this is actually a integral part of making the cake - within completing the totality of the task.
What I see is that this has to do with accepting the task within a starting point of energy, as an excitement towards making the cake or the specific task at hand, while not actually considering within practicality all the stages necessary to be done - so I will find myself "slaving in the kitchen" to make the cake (even if the cake/task is an easy/simple one) - then once the main part of the task is over, as all the people have eaten the cake, the energetic high will have passed, and there will be no energetic motivation within me to complete the task.
In cases like this what I experience at this point is an expectation that somebody else will do it for me, within a justification of "but I've made it, shouldn't someone else clean it" - well, I have used such an argument many times before, while not allowing myself to see/realize that if I took on myself the responsibility I cannot expect and impose any part of it on anyone else unless it has been agreed upon to begin with.
I see here two main points, the first is going to the task within energy and thus overlooking in practicality what it entails, and then when the "fun part" part is over there is no more energy left to motivate me to move and complete the task, and then I become sluggish and resist doing it, this brings me to the other point, that exists within/as the debt system, where I do not do the task unconditionally but am expecting to get something in return, wither gratitude or in this case, when comes to the parts I don't enjoy, like the end part of cleaning, I turn to the back chat of "they owe me" because I made the cake so someone else must clean after me - "it's only fair…"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do tasks from a starting point of energy instead of making a self directive decision within considering the point in it's entity and not be directed by energy within the expectation for an experience as reward, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to direct myself to do tasks within the principle of what is best for all and instead have been doing everything from a starting point of self interest as the desire to be rewarded within an energetic experience for doing the task, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not actually chose/decide to do the task itself, but rather chose/decide to do the task in order to get the energetic rush I have associated with it, and thus have not allowed myself to direct myself but have allowed myself to be a puppet of energy, allowing myself to follow the positive energy feeling regardless of what the task is, kind of like being an energy whore… within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the task I am doing within both not considering all it's parts/aspects and secondly not allowing myself to actually be one with the task, but instead live in separation from the task as myself, and do it from a starting point of separation as getting an external energy as motivation and reward to do it
When and as I am doing a task or am about to do a task, I realign my starting point to make sure I am not doing it from a starting point of self interest as to get any reward as an energetic experience out of it, but rather do it to do it, unconditionally, for free, for the practicality of it being done and for the experience within doing it and while doing not, not as a reward that come later that will then define my success/failure of the task, but as a self expression that is done in the moment and then it is done with
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within my privet self interest of individuality when I don't consider anything and anyone while present myself as if I do, while everything I do is based in the desire to serve my own interests such as getting an energetic rush for doing something "for others" within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize myself as life, as one and equal to all that is here, and within that to realize that acting from self interest is separating myself from the life within is myself, and thus creating in my life and the world as a whole conflict and friction within living as a "split personality" as the manifestation of separation of self derived from acting from a starting point of self interest, instead of including all life in all my decisions, and walking a path that is best for all and supports all life, and thus in every decision I make, I commit myself to stop and breathe, to investigate the starting point as myself and to correct/align myself as my starting point to that which I best for all within realizing that only that which is best for all is actually best for me as well, thus, when I do a task I realign my starting point to not allow myself to direct myself within/as energy, and within that I slow myself down, I consider all aspects of the task and will myself to complete them all as part of the responsibility I have taken, within building self respect as standing by my decision to do something and do it in completion
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do things within a starting point of a debt system where I calculate my actions in relations to what I perceive others are doing, and judge and expect and demand that others pay up their debt that I have created within my mind, with no communication and agreement whatsoever, simply taking for granted that my set of values will be accepted by all and that my self interest will be accepted by all, and within this have not allowed myself to communicate and design a stable relationship with those around me, but simply doing things and then build up expectation that cause friction and conflict in all our worlds, instead of stopping myself within breath, and making sure that any thing I do I do unconditionally, and not expect any thing in return - I realize that if I detect any form of expectation to get anything in return for doing something, I know I have been acting from self interest and thus I commit myself to stop my back chat, and breathe until I have directed and grounded the expectation and can walk stable and do what needs to be done, without expecting anything in return, and within this allow myself to simply walk the task, as myself, to completion, to honor the task as myself as life as a whole and walk all practical physical steps that must be walked
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Sunday, December 9, 2012
The following blog is a continuation of my previous writings, please read them for further context if you haven’t already :
Day 110 - Avoiding Work
Day 111 – Self interest can never be “right”
Day 112 - Avoiding work –Part 3 - Self Forgiveness
Day 113 – Enjoying Work
I realize I have been blaming/judging others for believing they are trying to avoid work, not realizing I am projecting myself onto them and thus distracting myself from my own acceptance and participation within avoiding work, while believing myself to be good and self righteous while judging others for being bad and manipulative, within this I realize my experience has been directed through the constant anticipation of being manipulated, within expecting others to be as manipulative as me, instead of stopping myself within manipulation and standing up within breath and simply allow myself and push myself to do what needs to be done, and not distract me from myself through judging/blaming others for what I perceive them to be doing, within the neurotic idea that they are plotting against meI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in manipulation within hiding my self interest to avoid working, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself onto others within the expectation of them doing the same, and thus to blame them for trying to avoid work instead of being self honest with myself and changing myself within my starting point of believing work should be avoided, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame/judge others for that which I still participate within, and thus I commit myself to align myself with the principle of equality within give as you would like to receive and thus if I want to live in a world where people don't manipulate each other to avoid working - it must start with self first, and thus it must start with self change, and thus I commit myself to change my starting point towards work and within that I commit myself to stop myself form manipulating other for my own self interest, and only once I have changed myself I can look at others from a starting point of supporting them to see what they are participating within - but I realize I must be clear within and as myself first and stand as self trust to be sure that I am not participating within avoidance and manipulation, thus, when and as I see myself going into avoidance and manipulation in regards to work, I stop myself and breathe, I stop the back chat and bring myself back here to/as breath and walk the practical steps to get the job done, within this I commit myself to deliberately place myself in positions where normally I would want to avoid as to be able to brake the pattern and prove to myself that I am my self directive principle and that I am not limited / restricted / directed by the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within the belief that work must be avoided, to have allowed myself to manipulate and deceive those around me as I try to get out of doing work, and within that expect others to do the same as me as I project myself onto them, and thus exist within an anticipation as an alert state as if waiting to be conned/manipulated
I realize that when I judge others for being manipulative I am actually showing myself that such manipulation still exist within me, and thus I stop myself within and as breath and turn it back to myself, within allowing myself to see in the moment where I am not being self honest and actually am manipulating the situation to suit my hidden self interest
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a constant state of anticipation, as waiting to be conned / manipulated and thus communicate to others from a starting point of self defense as I defend my self interest while I am sure the other is acting from within their own self interest and thus I create a war/competition between us, as the battle of the ego, while existing within self righteousness and believing that I am innocent and they are the manipulative ones, thus I commit myself to when I experience myself in the state of anticipation towards someone manipulating me, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to the practical physical reality and check my starting point to find where I am acting within self interest, and within this I commit myself to change my starting point and align it with what is best for all within the situation, and if I cannot find the point of self interest I commit myself to let go the point and not fight for it, because I realize it's become an ego battle, and all that will come out of it is friction and conflict, thus I take self responsibility and do not allow myself to participate and create more energy through friction and conflict and thus I stop myself in the moment from proceeding within the conversation / argument /situation
I realize that as long as I participate within self interest I will always create and exist within conflict and friction within myself and my relationships with others, because within self interest there will always be conflict of interest, within this I realize that by pushing through the self interest and not allowing myself to participate within it, and thus not allowing myself to manipulate to get my way, I will be able to establish effective communication with others and actually come to solutions that serve all as equals, thus serve me and them, as a shared interest within this shared earth on which we live on. Thus I commit myself to when I see myself participating in self interest, to stop myself within breath and to bring myself back here to the physical and equal reality, where we are all equal as life, and thus no ones interest is more important to be fulfilled than another, but rather the interest of life, as all as equal, is the only interest that is valid to peruse, and thus I commit myself to changing my starting point, time and time again, until living as what is best for all is my "nature" where I have built self trust and have let go of all the self interest which are based on personality as ego, and allow myself to be one and equal to all the is life
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Saturday, December 8, 2012
The following blog is a continuation of my previous writings, please read them for further context if you haven’t already :
Day 110 - Avoiding Work
Day 111 – Self interest can never be “right”
Day 112 - Avoiding work –Part 3 - Self Forgiveness
I realize I have put a value on enjoying what I do and thus have allowed myself to be directed by my preferences, thus not considering what is best for all but only existing within self interest as what makes me feel good to be doing, within this I realize that what I believe I enjoy is based on the mind as a value system, where I believe some things are more enjoyable than others, when I haven't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am here in every breath, and whatever I do doesn't change that, thus, it doesn't matter what I am doing as long as I am here as/within breath, where the only preference should be to apply myself as what is best for all, as the preference of all, and not base what I do on my own self interest - I realize nothing will even change in my reality, as my inner and outer experience, if I keep allowing myself to exist within my self interest preferences, instead of standing up for all life and living as what is best for all life in every breath, within that doing whatever is necessary, starting with stopping myself form being directed by the mind and instead directing myself as life, as breath, as what is best for all life in equality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place more value on enjoying myself than on what practically needs to be done regardless of my enjoinment within doing so, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some tasks are more enjoyable than others and thus exist within a self created limitation that restricts me from participating and taking responsibility within what I realize needs to be done if I have defined such a task as unenjoyably, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define some tasks as more enjoyable than others and through living out this definition I have created a situation where when I participate in specific tasks I believe I will not enjoy myself and then to prove myself right I, within my participation within/as the mind, actually believe I am not enjoying myself, not realizing that I am existing in a polarity created by the mind to keep me enslaved to the ideas/definitions and not allow myself to be free to simply do what needs to be done without attaching any energy to it and without expecting to get any energy out of it within self interest, simply doing within breath what needs to be done
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that within the expectation to enjoy myself within the tasks that I do I am actually self sabotaging myself, instead of supporting myself as life and breathing through everything that I do, and walking the physical one breath at a time, and not allowing myself to go into my mind in the thirst/expectation/addiction to energy, but allow myself to be here, within/as the physical, and support myself as the physical in walking the process of stopping my participation/addiction to/as the mind, and bringing myself back here, to myself, as the physical, as life, within/as breath
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe as I work and thus to exist in my mind as back chat / judgment, thus separating myself from what I am doing, and not allowing myself to actually do anything fully because I have always allowed myself to be only partly here, and the other part of me, in separation of myself has always been in the mind as interpreting what I do within judgment / expectations / beliefs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my preferences and not allow myself to direct myself as life here as what is best for all in equality and oneness within the realization that all is one and thus equal, and any participation in my own self interest preferences is of separation within the belief that my preferences have more value than the preference of all life as bringing about a change in this world, a change that starts with changing myself, a change that honors all life, as I honor myself as life, and as life honor all as equal as life as myself - thus I realize that within self honesty, my highest preference is to honor all life and thus is the preference of all - within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as self interest and not consider all life and thus participating and being an active part in the problem of this world, instead of standing within/as equality and being a part of the solution to bring about a world that it's only preference is what is best for all life
I realize that I have been living within an idea that I must enjoy what I do, thus placing value as judgment on the task, and as a result allowing myself to be directed by personal preference instead of being self directed and living the principle of equality and oneness, as what is best for all - I realize personal preferences are a distraction from what actually matters, which isn't to satisfy my privet wants/needs/desires, but to satisfy all as one and equal in creating a world that supports all life equally - within this I realize that the task to do so may not be enjoyable, and I must let go of the desire/expectation to enjoy what I do in order to be able to be free to actually get the job done - within this I realize that enjoying myself is either an energetic experience and then is of the mind and is based on values/ideas/beliefs/memories or it can be a self expression as life, and then it would be aligned with equality and oneness as what is best for all life - thus if I see myself not enjoying myself I know I am trapped in self interest / back chat / the mind, and not allowing myself to be here in breath and practically do what needs to be done, step by step by step, to bring about a change, firstly in myself, and then in the world as myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that living by preference is limiting, and that it would be much more beneficial and self supportive to be able to work from a clear starting point as a self directive decision to do the task or take the responsibility and not be influenced by the desire to get energy out of it as an experience of enjoyment, but to be clear, here and stable and simply work / do / live / breathe - and thus to not define myself by/as the work I do but rather who I am within it, and in doing so allow myself to be here, as self expression, through breathing, in any activity/task I do
I commit myself to myself as life, I commit myself to breathing within everything I do,I commit myself to slow myself down so that I can walk within/as breath, I commit myself to stopping the back chat of judgment towards activities I believe to be not enjoyable and instead breathe and apply myself within the physical reality, I commit myself to, when I am not enjoying myself, to stop and breathe, to see that I am participating in the mind as judging what it is that I'm doing, and to stop myself within breath, to bring myself back here, and to start over within a fresh starting point of simply doing what needs to be done unconditionally without expecting any energy of enjoinment in return
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Day 110 - Avoiding Work
Day 111 – Self interest can never be “right”
Day 112 - Avoiding work –Part 3 - Self Forgiveness
I realize I have put a value on enjoying what I do and thus have allowed myself to be directed by my preferences, thus not considering what is best for all but only existing within self interest as what makes me feel good to be doing, within this I realize that what I believe I enjoy is based on the mind as a value system, where I believe some things are more enjoyable than others, when I haven't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am here in every breath, and whatever I do doesn't change that, thus, it doesn't matter what I am doing as long as I am here as/within breath, where the only preference should be to apply myself as what is best for all, as the preference of all, and not base what I do on my own self interest - I realize nothing will even change in my reality, as my inner and outer experience, if I keep allowing myself to exist within my self interest preferences, instead of standing up for all life and living as what is best for all life in every breath, within that doing whatever is necessary, starting with stopping myself form being directed by the mind and instead directing myself as life, as breath, as what is best for all life in equality.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place more value on enjoying myself than on what practically needs to be done regardless of my enjoinment within doing so, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some tasks are more enjoyable than others and thus exist within a self created limitation that restricts me from participating and taking responsibility within what I realize needs to be done if I have defined such a task as unenjoyably, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define some tasks as more enjoyable than others and through living out this definition I have created a situation where when I participate in specific tasks I believe I will not enjoy myself and then to prove myself right I, within my participation within/as the mind, actually believe I am not enjoying myself, not realizing that I am existing in a polarity created by the mind to keep me enslaved to the ideas/definitions and not allow myself to be free to simply do what needs to be done without attaching any energy to it and without expecting to get any energy out of it within self interest, simply doing within breath what needs to be done
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that within the expectation to enjoy myself within the tasks that I do I am actually self sabotaging myself, instead of supporting myself as life and breathing through everything that I do, and walking the physical one breath at a time, and not allowing myself to go into my mind in the thirst/expectation/addiction to energy, but allow myself to be here, within/as the physical, and support myself as the physical in walking the process of stopping my participation/addiction to/as the mind, and bringing myself back here, to myself, as the physical, as life, within/as breath
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe as I work and thus to exist in my mind as back chat / judgment, thus separating myself from what I am doing, and not allowing myself to actually do anything fully because I have always allowed myself to be only partly here, and the other part of me, in separation of myself has always been in the mind as interpreting what I do within judgment / expectations / beliefs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my preferences and not allow myself to direct myself as life here as what is best for all in equality and oneness within the realization that all is one and thus equal, and any participation in my own self interest preferences is of separation within the belief that my preferences have more value than the preference of all life as bringing about a change in this world, a change that starts with changing myself, a change that honors all life, as I honor myself as life, and as life honor all as equal as life as myself - thus I realize that within self honesty, my highest preference is to honor all life and thus is the preference of all - within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as self interest and not consider all life and thus participating and being an active part in the problem of this world, instead of standing within/as equality and being a part of the solution to bring about a world that it's only preference is what is best for all life
I realize that I have been living within an idea that I must enjoy what I do, thus placing value as judgment on the task, and as a result allowing myself to be directed by personal preference instead of being self directed and living the principle of equality and oneness, as what is best for all - I realize personal preferences are a distraction from what actually matters, which isn't to satisfy my privet wants/needs/desires, but to satisfy all as one and equal in creating a world that supports all life equally - within this I realize that the task to do so may not be enjoyable, and I must let go of the desire/expectation to enjoy what I do in order to be able to be free to actually get the job done - within this I realize that enjoying myself is either an energetic experience and then is of the mind and is based on values/ideas/beliefs/memories or it can be a self expression as life, and then it would be aligned with equality and oneness as what is best for all life - thus if I see myself not enjoying myself I know I am trapped in self interest / back chat / the mind, and not allowing myself to be here in breath and practically do what needs to be done, step by step by step, to bring about a change, firstly in myself, and then in the world as myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that living by preference is limiting, and that it would be much more beneficial and self supportive to be able to work from a clear starting point as a self directive decision to do the task or take the responsibility and not be influenced by the desire to get energy out of it as an experience of enjoyment, but to be clear, here and stable and simply work / do / live / breathe - and thus to not define myself by/as the work I do but rather who I am within it, and in doing so allow myself to be here, as self expression, through breathing, in any activity/task I do
I commit myself to myself as life, I commit myself to breathing within everything I do,I commit myself to slow myself down so that I can walk within/as breath, I commit myself to stopping the back chat of judgment towards activities I believe to be not enjoyable and instead breathe and apply myself within the physical reality, I commit myself to, when I am not enjoying myself, to stop and breathe, to see that I am participating in the mind as judging what it is that I'm doing, and to stop myself within breath, to bring myself back here, and to start over within a fresh starting point of simply doing what needs to be done unconditionally without expecting any energy of enjoinment in return
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Friday, December 7, 2012
The following blog is a continuation of my previous writings, please read them for further context if you haven’t already :
Day 110 - Avoiding Work
Day 111 – Self interest can never be “right”
extracted from day 110 - Working - all my life I knew that working is a hassle, no one really wants to work, people work because they have to, and I have been avoiding work all my life, as much as I can… so in essence I never gave myself a chance to see who I am within it, I always simply defined myself within the personality of "I don't like to work".I realize I have created a definition of work as being something that must be avoided regardless of the circumstances, the task, the responsibility, and in no consideration of what needs to be done
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the definition of work being something to avoid, and not allowing myself to be self directive within he principle of equality and oneness as doing what needs to be done and taking responsibility in order to clear up the mess in myself and in the world as myself
When and as I see myself going into a personality of avoiding work, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here, I realize what needs to be done, I am grateful that I can contribute and assist and support myself through physically walking the application of correcting myself and this world as a whole, within this I commit myself to honor myself within my decisions and thus if I have deiced to do something I will do it as an application of building self trust and self respect
I realize I have created this idea based on memory, based in what I have learnt from society, based on my interpretation of how others would speak about work
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to question my self definition and within that my belief system as the religion of self, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blindly accept what I have been taught by society even thought the evidence is clear that what we have created as this world is not working out for the benefit of all life, and is in fact an abusive and cruel world, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blindly accept what I have been taught even though the evident is clear that what is being taught should be changed because the result of this world is not what I would want our children to be born into, thus, to create a world that is best for all our children we must realize that our starting point within all the definitions we have accepted must change as well
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my definition of work on the past as memories/experiences, instead of allowing myself to be here, in the moment, and breathe, to stop the back chat as it is only getting in my way of simply physically doing what I have set myself to do, and thus participating in self sabotage
When and as I go into back chat while doing a task/job/work, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here, I revisit my starting point and allow myself to see why I am doing this job/task/work, and within realigning myself to my starting point, within breath, I continue the task, within this I realize that to build self respect, self trust, self honor, I must honor myself, my decisions and my responsibilities to through time expand myself within my abilities, skills, application, responsibility, to be able to live as an example that change can be done, to live as an example of stopping the back chat and living that which is best for all life regardless of personal preferences that are based in self interest
I realize I have been limiting myself and not allowing myself to be here within self exploration of seeing who I am within the task/responsibility/activity
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to explore unconditionally any activity/task, and instead I have approached all jobs/tasks/responsibilities from a starting point of wanting it to end, thus not allowing myself to see who I am within it, not allowing myself to expand as it, but always separating myself from the task, within an idea that it must be avoided, not allowing myself to live self honestly and see for myself as myself who I am within it, and within that to change myself as to be able to do any task/job without attaching any value/energy to it and thus not limit/restrict myself to any value/idea/belief but allow myself to actually be free from any mind enslavement
I commit myself to when doing a task, and I find myself going into judgment towards the task, I stop and breathe, I realize the judgment is of the mind and is sabotaging myself as the experience of participating in the task, as one with it within breath here in the moment, thus I commit myself to let go any value I have given different tasks that I am used to try to avoid, to investigate the starting point of my preference and to direct myself within the decision to do what needs to be done in the service of all life that is here
I realize I have been directing myself according to this belief, never questioning it, but simply accepting myself as it, as a given fact of who I am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am the personality of "I don't like to work" within that I have created an energetic experience of suffering both within doing the task at hand and within judging the situation for "having to do something I don’t like" and within judging myself for being a fuck up that doesn't like to work - all due to the self belief that I have created as myself over time, and that in fact exist only as a mind illusion that I as myself can change if only I allow myself to
I commit myself to change myself within the starting point of working, I commit myself to when I see the self definition of "I don’t like to work" or "I am not good at working:" come up, to stop myself and breathe, to allow myself to be here, in breath, and enjoy myself within everything that I do, not an enjoyment within energy, but simply being here and participating in the physical reality as a point of enjoyment of being alive and able to participate in this world - within this to realize that true enjoyment can only exist within self honesty and thus to align myself to that which is best for all would be the only way to actually experience true enjoyment from anything I do
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