Showing posts with label competition. Show all posts
Showing posts with label competition. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic
Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage
Day 194 - 21 days of self dedication – misusing the desteni process
Day 195 - 21 days of self dedication - part 5 – but I am still here
Day 196 -21 days of self dedication – part 6 - experience of isolation
Now, this point of self value, or shall I say, lack of it, has been in the background of my process for quite some time, t is a prominent point that leaves a mark in everything I participate in, it's like an additional flavor to everything I do in life - so, why do I not value myself?
Obviously this is a very compacted point and relates and connects to many other points - which brings up this experience of overwhelmingness as "how the hell am I going to tackle this point?" but I have recently realized once again, that this is a process, and a long one as well, and no, any point I face, I cannot now what I will find within the investigation, otherwise I would not need to investigate, and I do not yet know where it will lead me to - and thus, the only thing to do, is grab one end of a string and start following the information that opens up - and I'll see where I take myself and what I
find.
So here goes.
I'm trying to look back and I ask myself when did I first experience myself as not worthy / not good enough / not valuable - a few family memories come to mind.
The first is that that I constantly compared myself to my sister, I always saw her as perfect, beautiful, smart, good dancer, fun, easy going, friendly and caring - everything that I didn't see myself as, and even when I did see it as myself I would compare, and in comparison to her I would always loose. But why did I compare? What compelled me to evaluate myself according and in relation to her?
Also, I remember that there was a time where I was thinner than her (weight was always an issue in my home as I grew up), and maybe I had a boyfriend at that time - I considered myself to be in a "better place" than her for a while, and I remember how uncomfortable that was for me, like I was out of place to be in a better position than her, it didn't fit with my world view, as within my comparison to her, I was always the inferior / less than, and not being in that position was awkward for me, I even felt guilty, thinking that I can handle being inferior, as I have been so all my life, but for her it's a first, and she must be taking it hard, and it's all my fault, then I would diminish myself within the intention of not rubbing it in, but looking at it now, I guess I did it for my own comfortability rather than actually for her.
Another point / memory, is that my dad would tell me before exams that I don't have to get good grades, I only have to do good enough to pass, and again, my sister was a very good student, and so, when my dad told me I don't have to do so well I knew he was saying that so I don't stress myself over it as she has, but I added onto that my interpretation of him not believing in me - it was actually an interesting dynamic with him, before exams he would tell me that I don't have to do very well, and then when I would get ok grades he would ask why I didn't do any better - both remarks I had taken in and recorded them as indicating that I am not smart / good enough, inadequate, and a disappointment to my dad - when I signed up for my physics degree I was so unsure of myself, I went in with a great possibility of failing, and I remember telling myself, just as my dad told me, that all I need to do is not fail, I don't have to be the best - and in fact through out my degree, I never put in my best, I always was content with being mediocre, and I don't mean that my grades were not good enough, I mean that in relation to myself, I know within myself that I didn't actually invest myself into it, I deliberately didn't do my best, and for the first year I was sure I will fail any moment, I was so unsure of myself
So far what I se is comparison to my sister, and later on in life to other girlfriends that I have placed in my sister's shoes and defined myself as less than them, these friends had power in my eyes, they seemed confidant, or were beautiful or smart, or likable, or friendly - always seeing myself as less valuable, second best, unworthy - experiencing myself as pathetic in relation to them, like "what's the point of even trying to compare myself to them, who am I fooling" - in many cases I would see this come up in relation to guys, where they would always prefer my friends over me, and so I felt like I was in competition with them, like I must win the guy to prove to myself I am worthy - and actually in many cases I "stole" the guy my girlfriend liked, I would never back off, I had to have them, that was like a form of proof that I have some value, "they want me over you", of course, this is a big point within itself, as I see there are many more layers as to why did I go after the boys my friends liked, but here is one dimension of it as to prove to myself that I am better than them in winning this competition I had created.
Once again, it's so clear to see how the mind is dangerous, from the perspective of when I allow myself to be directed by the mind, not taking responsibility of my own life, but following blindly the suggestions and interpretations and self beliefs created by the mind and accepted by self - I end up harming people, creating unnecessary conflict, disregarding others in my life and doing only that which serves my own interest regardless of who stands in my way and who I have to step on to get there, while justifying to myself that I am not a bad person, when in fact I am the pure manifestation of evil, as I did so in complete disregard of the others, I really couldn't care less - actually, that's not entirely true, because it's not that I didn't care, because I actually did so in spitefulness, I wanted to win to prove to myself through this victory that I am worthy and valuable, as if we were in an actual competition, competing against each other, and, for me to win and experience the victory I wanted them to painfully lose, they had to know / see that they have lost, they had to feel it, as I have felt it many times……. Lol, but because I justified myself believing I was innocent, I also wanted / expected them to approve and "give me their blessings" - I was completely blind to what I was participating with. But, the bottom line is that I went after those guys to fulfill that part of me that feels unworthy and not valuable, and to repair this unpleasant emotion I would do anything, and justify myself as I do so.
Tomorrow self forgiveness on the points that came up here in regards to self value / worth
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Thursday, December 27, 2012
I have an ideal as a list of properties that I believe should be / have, in order for me to be satisfied with myself, and I thus, expect / desire / need myself to match this ideal, as list of properties in order to achieve self acceptance. There is like an invisible scale, like a grading scale where I place myself on the scale, based on how I judge myself according to comparing myself to others - how will I know where to place myself if not in comparison to others in my life whom I've defined as more or les than me in regards to a specific property. Within this I see the illusionary state I have been existing as, where I expect myself to be one thing, as I expect /want myself to be placed high on the grade scale I have invented in my mind, and in self judgment I am never good enough, never holding up to my ideal.
An interesting thing within this is that I was going to say that in reality I am not where I expect myself to be on the grade scale, but in fact in reality, this grade scale doesn't exist - it only exists as the mind's idea and judgment, so it's not even to say that I expect myself to be more than who I am, but judge myself as less - because that would validate the grade system I have created within / as myself, the grade system that I am using as a tool to create inner conflict in my life - what I realize is that who I am will never be defined according to how high I score on some make believe scale, who I am is defined within my relationship to and as myself, within what I accept and allow within and as myself, and at the moment, what I have been allowing myself is to exist in a mind made polarity of expectation and self judgment - I have accepted and allowed myself to be and exist as self judgment, self diminishment, self rejection - I realize that it's not about what it is specifically about myself that I reject, because as long as I accept and allow myself to be and exist as self judgment I will always be able to justify any point of self judgment as valid. I've been looking at and wanting to accept the content / property of myself, when in fact, the point is who I am within the relationship to / with / as myself, regardless of the actual content, thus, despite of how I currently judge myself.
What I mean by this is that looking at the actuality of how good / nice / beautiful / smart / special / effective / clever / insightful / consistent / calm / directive I am, is still within the realm of self judgment, and thus is not valid - any point of quantifying myself is not valid - who I really am as/within self judgment is the fact that I am not equal within and as myself, I am existing within the mind as I have created an ideal based on a value system injected to me by society through my acceptance, and instead of walking my life here, in breath, as unconditional self expression, accepting myself unconditionally as myself as I am life - I have given value to all these things / properties / characters and have allowed myself to exist in separation from / as myself within expectation and judgment.
I realize that as long as I exist in the polarity of expectation and self judgment, no matter what I do, what I look like, how I apply myself, what I say, how I behave... - I will find points judge myself for, because I have been allowing self judgment, as a construct, as a design, to exist within and as myself - I realize that within accepting and allowing self judgment I realize I will never be satisfied with myself, will never be content, will never accept myself unconditionally, within the belief that only if I become more, will I allow myself to rest - but that never happens because there always is another point to judge myself for and expect myself to improve in, and thus it becomes an endless race against myself - instead of realizing that all that I am is here, and all that I must do in order to accept myself is to allow myself to deliberately stop and let go the self judgment and to will /push myself to walk a step by step, practical process into self change - thus, accepting myself not from a starting point of allowing myself to continue as I have been, because I have realized that who I have been in unacceptable, as I have been existing in my mind as self judgment, and completely separated from the reality which is here and cannot be judged in self honesty because it is what it is, and thus, within living in separation from myself within the acceptance of self judgment, I have not really been living - so self acceptance is thus to accept that this is where I am at the moment, this is who I am at the moment - and not judge myself for it, within realizing that judgment is a mind manipulation, getting me to separate from myself even further, instead of embracing myself like a child and supporting myself to learn from my mistakes and assisting myself to change into a living being that is self directive, and exist as self honor, self respect and self trust, and thus to honor, respect and trust all life as life.
But how do I become self acceptance if at the moment I am judging all that I do not accept about myself, I must then allow myself to let go the judgment - fear comes up - why do I experience the self judgment as protecting me in some way which would cause me to fear letting go of it - the point I see as justifying judgment, within the experience that it is protecting me, is from the starting point of if I judge myself I am protecting myself from others judging me, as if, if they see me judging myself they won't need to, they might even take pity on me and show me that I'm not as bad as I believe myself to be, they will even give me positive reinforcement - thus, I see within this that I am using self judgment as emotional manipulation to get positive feedback from others and to avoid negative feedback - I realize I have created myself as the character of self judgment as a defense mechanism, and have been playing the part long enough to believe it to be me in fact, to forget it is just a character that I can stop participating with in any time, as I realize it is causing harm to myself and others.
How do I stop self judgment? The only way to do it, is to simply do it - when and as I see myself go into self judgment as back chat of self judgment come up within me, or back chat of comparison or competition, or when back chat of desires or fantasies come up - I stop myself and breathe, I realize all these back chats are holding within them self judgment, and I do not allow myself to participate with self judgment any more - when self judgment comes up - I stop it immediately, when I see I have fallen into self judgment I stop myself, forgive myself in the very moment, and write out the specific back chat to walk specific forgiveness on each point of self judgment that comes up within me, until I'm done and am no longer enslaved to self judgment.
In the next blogs, I will walk a process of self forgiveness for the specific back chat of self judgment that come up during the day.
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Monday, November 12, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4
Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5
Day 85 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 6
Day 86 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 7 - Self Forgiveness
Day 87 - Fear Dimension - Inferiority - Part 8
Day 88 - Fear dimension - Part 9 - self commitment
Within investigating the character of "I don't like being corrected / told what to do", within opening up the fear dimension of this character, the three statements of fear below are all related to my fear of authority.
1. I fear authority / I fear confronting authority
2. I fear being yelled at or upset with or punished
3. I fear being someone's slave, as in being in a position of having to do what another tells me to do
After the lesson was over I came up to him, I told him I want to talk to him when he is free after the other pupils have left and then I went at it, I told him assertively that it's unacceptable to speak like that to a pupil especially in front of the entire class, he was rather calm, expressed that its unacceptable that speak during class, but he then apologized and agreed with me that he shouldn't have reacted in such a way, but, because I had build up all this energy within myself I was so overwhelmed by the energy and my eyes were tearing as I was telling him how badly he behaved - so I'm standing there, assertive one the one hand but with tears in my eyes, on the other. When he saw my eyes water he commented on it, and within anger I told him to ignore it, it was irrelevant and made me feel like he is now feeling sorry for me, I didn't intend to cry, I wanted to be strong and direct as I scold him.
The conversation went on just for a few moments, looking at it now I see that he agreed with me and was apologetic, but the memory I was left with created the self belief within myself that I am intimidated/afraid/threatened by authority because of the experience of overwhelmingness that caused me to tear up.
Now that I am revisiting the memory, I see that I actually stood up to him in spite of him being an authority, showing something else that the memory and the self definition created by it doesn't represent, but because I cried and saw it as a weakness I've turned the entire scenario in my mind into a self belief that I fear authority, and have lived that fear ever since. I experience it as I fear approaching authority, fear talking to them, fear getting in trouble with them - I basically want to be invisible from the eye of the authority.
A point within the experience of being intimidated/threatened by authority is that I fear seaming weak in front of authority, as playing a power game, not realizing that by playing the power game I am in fact accepting them as my authority, because if I didn't see them as authority/superior and if that wouldn't activate the competition within me there wouldn't be any ground to play the power game, so I participate in playing this power game, that I have created in my mind, instead of stopping the game all together and realizing equality, as two equal human being.
Looking at it from adult eyes, it's easier to see that we are actually equal, and still I experience myself within the fear of authority, but as children, man, children are constantly and continuously suppressed into believing in the construct of authority, so no wonder that as adults it is so imbedded within and as us, as our very beingness, as an accepted part of reality.
In the system as we know it, we are faced with authority as an integral part of the system, as children it starts with our parents and continues to other adult figures as teachers / principles/neighbors - children are basically submitted to accept the authority of anyone that is older than them, and as we grow older we accept authority as our boss, professors, doctors, the police, and government officials.
It's an interesting thing though, because, as we accept these figures as authority we accept them as superior and powerful, as if they have power over us, and thus there exists fear - not realizing that we have given them power over us through our acceptance of the construct of authority within the acceptance of the current system, as it exists today - so we are in fact creating and then giving power to our own fear of authority, through creating authority within our acceptance. Fear of authority is accepted and promoted through the very system we live within/as, it is part of how we have created the system, just as we have created the family construct, where the point of authority is a point of inequality and based on inflicting fear and terror to gain control.
It is rather odd that we accept certain figures in our lives to be an authority over us, when in fact they are simply holding on to a specific job and have specific responsibilities - we accept the hierarchy of authority instead of creating a society that is based on equality, as suggested by the Equal Money System, where no one has power over any one else, where no one threatens or intimidates any one else merely based on their placement in the system, or their role/responsibility in society - we can each have different responsibilities and take part in different aspect of society, some of us can be managers from perspective of being in charge and responsible of a bigger part of the system, while others are responsible for a small part, but we can do this without having to resort to being bullied/threatened/intimidated by authority, and instead exist as equals, as different organs in one body, that each have a specific role and all work together, equally valuable as different parts of the one system/earth/existence, that we share.
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This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4
Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5
Day 85 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 6
Day 86 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 7 - Self Forgiveness
Day 87 - Fear Dimension - Inferiority - Part 8
I've been writing about fear, and have applied self forgiveness, but I have realized that I haven't been very specific with my self commitments, and within this I realize that writing about it and forgiving myself is one part of the process, but actually pushing myself to actually physically walk through my fear, and actually physically express myself in a different way than what I am use to within my preprogrammed characters, is another part, a crucial part, because without the living application of actually changing, I am waiting my time on verbal masturbation. I realize taking the leap and actually walking through the fear is an imperative part of this process, it's not just about talking the talk, I must push myself to walk it as a living expression as who I am.
And thus, through writing self commitments one plan the way before oneself, as a guide line, preparing oneself within accepting the challenge so to speak, to actually correct oneself in the physical.
I commit myself, when I see I have made a mistake, through being corrected, to stop any reaction within myself and to breathe, to make sure I am here, stable within/as myself, then, I commit myself to look at what is being said as a gift, as a way to expand/improve/perfect myself within my application, I commit myself to stop myself within any reaction of inferiority as I realize that any reaction implies that I am going into a character I have created myself as in self interest as a survival mechanism and thus in complete disregard of what is best for all, I realize that I have been using inferiority to protect/defend myself as the character, as the self definition I have given myself, actually protecting myself as the ego, instead of allowing myself to humbly accept what is said, and within breath allow myself to correct myself and learn from what I have done, within this, as practical application, I commit myself to ask what I can do differently, to ask for help, to ask for guidance, within accepting the fact that others can help me, that others may know more and can give me guidance, I realize this has been a "difficult" point for me due to creating an idea that asking for help represents weakness and thus I wanted asking for help to be beneath me, but I see now that any justification to not ask for assistance is a mind's manipulation, and thus invalid, as we are all here together and can help/assist/support each other, and thus I commit myself to using communication and allowing myself to be humbly and ask for help.
I commit myself to investigate the cause of the mistake, to look within self honesty and allow myself to admit/face if I have cut corners or have made the mistake deliberately in any way as for instance, when I am busy participating with back chat as justifications to cut corners, or excuses why I shouldn't do this task instead of allowing myself to be here within the task I am working on, thus, I commit myself to take responsibility for any deliberate self sabotage, to not run away from myself, but to stand as myself and accept myself as all that I have done, within realizing that it isn't personal, from the perspective that it really doesn't define me, but within that I realize that now I have an opportunity to correct myself, thus I commit myself to not judge myself because I have seen it is counterproductive and actually self abusive and self sabotaging, thus, instead of judging myself I commit myself to take responsibility within breath and humbly correct myself.
When and as I see/define myself as failing, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to go into the "I have failed/am a failure" character because I realize that by going into failure I am allowing myself to live in the past instead of being here and finding a practical livable solution/correction for the situation, and thus using failure to actually give up and fail, thus I commit myself to investigate the point within looking at my starting point to see if my starting point is valid within the principle of equality as what is best for all, or was my starting point within self interest/fear/justification, thus within investigating the starting point I take responsibility for myself, and without judging myself allow myself to become my self directive principle and change my starting point and correct myself into that which stands as best for all within equality, within this I commit myself to ask for assistance if I can't find the "problem" point or if I don't find a solution/correction for the situation, within this I commit myself let go the construct of failure and instead to see it as another step in my process of self realization, self honesty and self intimacy, of which I am walking step by step, one breath at a time
When and as I see myself wanting to be right, I stop and breathe, I realize the desire to being right is indicating that I am trying to prove myself and thus am acting within self separation as I am not accepting myself and thus believe I must prove myself within knowledge/information to validate/approve/accept myself, thus I commit myself, when I see myself go into the desire of being right or proving myself, to stop talking, to breathe and within breath to bring myself back here to my physical body, and in the moment within self honesty look at what am I doing, what I am hiding from myself, what am I actually showing myself within this "trying to be right", and within this quick investigation done with support of breath at the moment, if I see any justifications come up I just stop them and push through the desire to explain/justify and simply stay quiet and breath, and if the situation is an argument, then I humbly apologize to the other party by saying: "forgive me, I am just arguing because I want to be right, forget it, can you please explain your point again, now I'm here and am listening", thus
I commit myself to hear out the other being, within realizing that no mater what is being said I can learn from them. and within this situation of going into the character of desire to be right, I commit myself to investigate the point of self definition / comparison / competition as to find the cause/reason that I am not accepting myself within, and to forgive myself for not allowing myself to accept myself unconditionally and to judge myself for the points I have found, and thus forgive myself for I have allowed myself to live in constant competition to prove myself worthy, not realizing that I have been competing with myself within allowing the polarity of right/wrong to exist within and as myself.
Within the fear of being seen as less than, and within the back chat of seeing myself as less than in relation to tasks I am given, I commit myself to stop the judgment I hold towards specific tasks wither the nature of the task or the time it takes to do it, and within this I commit myself to push myself as self directive principle to do those tasks that I have deemed as less than, to expand myself within my application, to not limit myself within the belief that some tasks are beneath me within realizing that I am separating myself from the task as myself within participating in a mind made idea/belief/judgment and thus not valid, I've seen that when I stop the back chat and allow myself to simply do it within/as breath I find that I get comfortable with the task and 'change my mind' about it, thus I have proven to myself that the ideas/beliefs/judgments I have towards tasks don't stand once I allow myself to actually do them without back chat as judgment, I see that surprisingly I even enjoy them, so I commit myself to stop myself within breath when I see myself judging any task, and thus allow myself and push myself to do any task necessary without any limitation, by pushing myself through the back chat until I am comfortable with the task
Within the fear of being used/manipulated by others within believing the fair/unfair character, I have been existing within a debt system, as calculating what I do for them and what they do for me, and calculating what I perceive everyone is doing, thus I commit myself to do things for "free", unconditionally, and to let it go the moment I finish as to not allow myself to carry around the past with me as a charged memory as debt. Thus, I commit myself to stop myself within the expectation to get anything in return, and to find situations where I can do things for others as myself to test myself within this application as not expecting/wanting anything in return, thus creating a directive situation where I am deliberately "being used" as to walk through the fear of being used within realizing that as long as I am directing myself as the living principle there is nothing to fear within realizing no one is doing anything to me, because I am directing myself in every moment
I commit myself to push myself to do what I would do as if I didn't have issues as fear, I commit myself, when making a directive decision as to what to do, to investigate the point within considering what someone, that doesn't exist within this fear, would do, and push myself to do it, I commit myself to take on my fears and walk through them, while supporting myself with writing, self forgiveness and corrective statements, to come to a point where I am no longer directed by fears and can walk here, stable within breath, in every moment and through every situation
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Sunday, November 4, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
I start with the fear dimension, as what are the fears that come up within me, in regards to being corrected and being told what to do:
Fears
I fear making a mistake/failing/being wrong
I fear being seen by others as wrong/stupid/slow/bad at what I'm doing
I fear not being seen as good/awesome/smart/competent and instead being seen as everybody else - not special
I fear others thinking they are more than me
I fear authority / I fear confronting authority
I fear disappointing others as they "expected more from me"
I fear being seen as someone who slacks off
I fear being caught of cutting corners or not caring about doing a great job
I fear being yelled at or upset with or punished
I fear being someone's slave, as in being in a position of having to do what another tells me to do
I fear being taken advantage of, being manipulated in doing someone else's job/responsibility
I fear losing the self definitions of how I see myself as good/smart/competent/special/extraordinary/unique
I fear making a mistake:
Self Forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making mistakes, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define a mistake as something bad instead of seeing it as a gift, as something I can learn from and expand from, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for making mistakes within an expectation and self definition of myself to do everything good/perfect, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can/should do everything good/perfectly without allowing myself to see the physical process of learning as a path to get to doing something good/perfect and within that, as not allowing myself to see that doing something effectively takes a process of accumulation as practice, I have limited myself within the fear of making mistakes and thus not allowing myself to enjoy participating in anything that I do not yet do effectively/good/perfect, and within that have created resistance towards activities that I do not yet do good/effectively/perfect, instead of allowing myself to be here, without fear/resistance towards mistakes and thus allow myself to enjoy making mistakes within the realization that that it is an opportunity of growth/expansion
I commit myself, when I see myself making a mistake, to stop myself within breath, to take a moment to myself to see the mistake and take it in as myself, to accept myself as the mistake, I commit myself to within allowing myself to accept myself as the mistake to see the point of correction/expansion, I commit myself to stopping any judgment/ego that come up when I see myself making a mistake through breathing and bringing myself back to here, the physical body/reality, as I've realized/seen that the judgment that is based on expectation is limiting me through beliefs/definitions of what/how I should be and thus not allowing myself to be equal to who I really am in the moment, and within this I commit myself to allow myself to learn/expand/correct/perfect myself in my application through accepting myself as/within mistakes, and within that to direct myself within every breath and every activity I participate within/as to that which is best for all, without any limitation of fear of making a mistake, simply allowing myself to practically walk the steps and correct myself as I go along
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others when they make a mistake and hold it against them as a memory within myself so that I can use it against them if I ever need to within a starting point of competition/ego/self interest, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the fear/resistance I have towards mistakes is an outflow/result/consequence of how I allow myself to judge/treat others when I "catch" them making a mistake, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my judgment/behavior towards other's mistake is indicating/showing to me my fears, and within that how I judge/define them as they make a mistake is how I define myself within a mistake, which I then fear of facing my own definition of mistake which I fear, because I have defined it within a construct of competition and having to prove one self in order to be worthy of life, instead of defining it within alignment with life as a word/definition that can support us as life to create a world worth living in for all equally and thus stopping the separation from "mistake" as I use it within a context of self support, and thus not judge others and use it against them from a starting point of power/ego/self interest, but rather support myself and them as myself to grow/expand as we correct ourselves into perfection one mistake at a time, one breath at a time.
I commit myself to stop myself within breath when I see myself judging others for what I perceive is as making a mistake, I commit myself to support others as myself within realizing a mistake as a point of growth/expansion and thus not a point of judgment as "bad" to be hold against them within self interest as competition/ego/doubt, I commit myself to investigate my reactions towards other people making mistakes and to within looking at the specific judgments coming up within me as blame turn it back to self and investigate how I react towards myself in the same way as judgment/blame/doubt, I see within this a point of building doubt towards the accumulated mistakes thus, I commit myself to through redefining "mistake" as a point of self support and not as a bad thing to stop myself from holding on to memories of mistakes as accumulating bad points that build up as doubt, and instead to build up points of realization and accumulate mistakes as building block for expansion as building self trust within myself and as support for others building self trust within themselves, I commit myself to embrace myself as/within mistakes and thus to embrace others within their mistakes and to will/push myself to find the source/cause/reason of the mistake as cutting corners/dislike the task/ineffective communication/misunderstandings/lack of time and within investigating the cause of the mistake to find points of correction within/through writing/self forgiveness/corrective statements and to insure the source/cause is dealt with and resolved
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in fear of seeing/facing myself as a mistake, and thus I react when others point out my mistakes, thus allowing myself to be limited within fear to the definition I have created as mistake as myself, within this I forgive myself for not allowing myself to face myself as what I fear most and see within that that I can stand from it, instead of fearing it and believing my fear and thus always being directed/limited by the fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto my pride as self definition of myself and not allow myself to be humble as to accept myself as/within mistake. Within holding on to pride as myself, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie/manipulate/deceive/blame to get myself out of a position of admitting to a mistake, and thus having to put my pride aside, as I have defined pride as powerful/stable and I fear losing my power/stability and being weak, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define power/weakness according to making mistakes, not realizing that the real power is within self honesty, and in standing within self responsibility and facing all/any mistakes and learning from them into self correction/perfection
I commit myself, through writing, self forgiveness, and self commitments within the support of breath, to stop myself from participating with fears as I allow myself to be directed by them, I commit myself to investigate my reactions/behavior/thoughts/emotions in regards to making mistake and the fear that come along with them, and to through breathing and investigating the self definitions that I have defined myself as that I fear losing through making a mistake to stop my participation within/as my fears and to stand as what is best for all in every breath. I commit myself to expose the abuse and limitation created by participating in the fears that come up in regards to making mistakes as I limit my application within/as fear, as I lie/manipulate/blame to hide my mistakes within fear, as I go into spitefulness within/as fear as self defense for fear of losing my image I work so hard to build, as I hold on to others mistakes within the self created competition as survival of my ego, as I am fighting for my pride within self interest as my ego and not standing up for life within expanding myself humbly through making mistakes, I commit myself to build self honesty through allowing myself to humbly accept myself within/as mistakes, and to stop myself within as breath when I see myself acting from a starting point of pride to defend myself when in fact I have made a mistake that needs correction, thus I commit myself to breathe before answering, to stabilize myself within/as myself and to within accepting myself as the mistake to humbly see what I can do to fix/change/correct it within taking self responsibility for who/what I am and how/what I have done
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use mistakes as a justification, as proof of my unworthiness/inferiority and thus within each mistake I make or am called on I prove to myself as justifying the defining myself as unworthy/inferior that hides beneath the "positive" self definition I try to maintain, as if every mistake accumulates as I'm building a case against myself, as I accumulate mistakes as memories to hold onto against myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself the self definition of being completely useless, ineffective, unworthy of life, within the belief that if I hide it from myself I will not have to face seeing myself in such an unpleasant way, and thus exist within inner conflict as two contradicting self definitions, of good/bad, living as a polarity of self definitions hiding the dark/low/bad sides I believe myself to be and put all my energy in expressing/presenting/believing myself to be good and hide the bad/low/dark/evil side from everyone including myself, thus when making a mistake the dark self definition within me is activated and thus inner conflict is manifested as a "bad" experience of being corrected, but within this I haven't allowed myself to realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up a fear towards these hidden characters as self beliefs to come up through my actions and the judgments of others as they see me make mistakes and define me, in my eyes, as useless, ineffective and unworthy of life for making mistakes and not proving myself other wise through being perfect, within this I have allowed myself to exist within total separation of myself, as I have split myself into several self definitions as polarity good/bad, and have hidden some of these self definitions from myself as I judge them and fear others to see them and judge them, and I have allowed myself to create through this layers of deception as I present myself in a specific way, instead of stopping within the realization that all these self definitions do not actually define who/what I am as life, and are only limiting my self as self expression, creating a wall between me and myself as I don't accept myself unconditionally as I believe I need to prove to myself my worthiness through being perfect based on an idea/belief that by making mistakes I am justifying the one side of the self definition polarity, the side which I am ashamed of within believing it to be me
and so I commit myself to let go of all self definition I hold towards myself and others as I realize it is the cause of much friction and conflict, within and without, I commit myself to stop looking for ways to justify to myself my self definition wither good/bad, as I let go all self definition, due to realizing the vast extent of limitation/abuse within self definition, wither good/bad, thus I allow myself to peel the layers of self definition trough breath, within self honesty, and to recreate myself as life, not as definition, and to push myself to align myself with reality as the physical and not the judgment/self definitions of the mind
I commit myself to stop justifying to myself why I am worthless/useless/inferior, I commit myself to when I see myself going into self diminishment I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here to/as my physical body, I don't allow myself to participate in thoughts of self diminishment and thus I commit myself to when making mistakes taking them as empowering and not as an excuse of further self diminishment, changing how I use mistakes from a starting point of self abuse to a starting point of self support
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Thursday, October 25, 2012
This blog is a follow up from my previous blog
Day 69 - Friendship - Part 11 – Spitefulness – Part 1
Day 70 - Spitefulness - Part 2 - Self Forgiveness
Today I am walking the corrective statements on the self forgiveness I wrote on yesterday's blog, regarding the characters that I have been participating within and that have been the source/justification for the spiteful character
I commit myself to continue investigating/forgiving the point of spitefulness that I have allowed myself to exist as, and to through writing, self forgiveness, corrective statement, walk myself into correcting, through supporting myself within/as breath as I see myself go into the character of spitefulness wither within thoughts as back chat, words or deeds, thus I commit myself, through writing and exposing to myself the dimension of spitefulness, to build up my awareness of myself as to be able to see the character of spiteful and stop it before I actually act on it, and continue investigating the point until I have walked it and have stopped myself from all/any participation within/as the character of spitefulness, as it is completely unacceptable and only designed to create conflict within and without as a way to tempt me and others to participate within/as energy which is designed to consume the physical as ourselves and to separate us from being here as the physical as life
I commit myself to investigate myself within/as competition as I realize that there is no justification for competition as it creates a world of winners and losers and thus can never be of actually of support to all as equals, thus any participation within competition is by definition destructive/abusive/evil, and thus I commit myself to stop myself through applying the desteni tools, and within that I commit myself to when seeing myself going into spitefulness within the character of competition to stop myself within/as breath as i have realized that it is a dead end in terms of nothing supportive will come out of it, it is a loop of spitefulness that ends with just more spitefulness and thus pointless and unnecessary
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself going into the character of arrogance, I commit myself to further investigate the character of arrogance as to be able to see it's dimensions and within seeing allowing myself to stop myself at earlier and earlier stages of my participation/creation within/as this character, within this, I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself going into spitefulness through the character of arrogance, as I have seen, realized and understood that it is a construct/design that I am participating within to create an energetic reaction within me and the other, thus supporting the mind as it feeds off of what is actually here as the physical, I commit myself to stop myself from participating within/as spitefulness/arrogance, because I realize I have been doing so to present/experience myself as powerful, as a cover up of the actual inner experience of inferiority/weakness that I have created myself as and have allowed myself to exist as, within this I commit myself to, any time I see myself going into/participation within arrogance/sinfulness to stop myself within breath and take a look at what am I trying to hide from myself within the actual experience of myself of inferiority/worthlessness , I commit myself to investigate why/how I have defined myself as more/better than the other through which I have allowed myself to believe myself to be more than them, because I realize that it is merely a mind construct/design created by myself through copying from those around me, within trying to present myself as more than, instead of realizing equality and living as what is bets for all within support for all as equals
I commit myself to further investigate the point of impatience within me, within the character of impatience I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into and express myself as spitefulness, not realizing that the point of impatience is created by myself within/as myself and thus acting in spitefulness indicates that I am blaming the other for creating the experience of impatience within me, thus not taking self responsibility for the totality of myself within realizing that no one else can create an experience within me but me, so within this I commit myself to when/as I see myself going into impatience I stop myself within/as breath, I bring myself back here to the physical body which is the reality of myself, I allow myself to take the point back to self and look at what have I allowed to trigger within me the character of impatience and within seeing the point of trigger to forgive myself for it and let it go, to bring myself to a point of total self directive principle as not allowing any external trigger to direct me as the experience of myself, within this I commit myself to stop the link between impatience and spitefulness because I realize that through it I am creating another layer within myself as separation of/from myself, so I breathe, I stop, I investigate, until I am walking, clear, as breath, here, as life.
I commit myself to further investigate the point of jealousy, I realize that any jealousy within me is a projection of self judgment onto another within spitefulness, and this is unacceptable, I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself going into the back chat/thoughts of jealousy where I compare myself to another and perceive them to be/have all that I want to be/have, within this I commit myself to if/when I see myself going into jealousy, I stop and breathe, I allow myself to investigate the point of accepted self judgment within/as myself, I realize it is not about the other being, they are merely a reflection/mirror supporting me to see/face myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and exist as, thus I commit myself to realize this point of jealousy as support, as it is what is here and thus I can work with it in seeing another layer/pattern/behavior/character of myself, and thus I am grateful for any experience of jealousy that come up and commit myself to walk through it within writing/self forgiveness/corrective statements to see what am I jealous of, what am I showing myself what have I been hiding from myself through automatically going into spitefulness and not staying with my focus on myself but diverting my focus on the other which is simply here as support as a mirror - always showing me myself, if I allow myself to open my eyes and see
I commit myself to further investigate the point/character of revenge within me, I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself going into the character of revenge within thoughts/words/actions as expressed within the spiteful character, within realizing that any point of revenge is created through blame and abdication of self responsibility within allowing abuse, within this I commit myself to stopping myself within the desire to hurt another within spitefulness/abuse due to the justification that they deserve it as revenge because I believe they have done me wrong, within this I commit myself to stop myself from judging others due to realizing that my reaction towards them and allowing myself to blame them is a point of not facing myself within self honesty, within this I realize that I must focus on myself and walk my own process first, that means that each and every reaction I have towards another is an opportunity for me to come closer to myself, so to speak, and allow my to see more of me as who I have created myself as and have been hiding this creation from myself, within this I commit myself to stop myself as revenge from a starting point of realizing that I do not know/see the entirety of the other being, thus do not see the big picture of who they are, and within this through revenge spitefulness I am allowing myself to limited them into/as a one dimensional idea I have created about them and within this idea have decided upon myself to revenge their actions, instead of simply stopping, breathing, bringing myself back to myself and working out my shit before I preaching/judging others, within this I realize that only through first seeing/facing myself and recognizing the entire patterns I have created and have been participating within will I even be able to actually support another to seeing themselves through being a living example of living what is best for all, including that which I currently judge and want to revenge, only once I can live as equal to all that I perceive as evil, and thus allow myself to see the evil within me, can I support another to see the evil within themselves, I commit myself to walk my own process, until I have proven to myself self stability
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see memories of others being spiteful towards me start coming up as a self justification paving the way for the spitefulness to follow, within this I commit myself to stop the memories and not allow myself to go into them, and believe them, I have realize that the memory is tainted with the experience I allowed myself to have in that moment and within that have placed the blame on another instead of taking self responsibility in the very moment the event occurred, and thus the memory is not valid because it has been stored within a starting point of self dishonesty, thus I commit myself to stop the memory and forgive myself for holding onto it, until I am clear and am walking within/as breath and not being interrupted by memories of the past, coming to hunt me and create conflict/friction within/as myself and my relationships
I commit myself to investigate the point of limitation within allowing myself to believe that another being can limit me in any way, not realizing that any experience of limitation is self created and thus only I am responsible for it, within this I commit myself to when I see myself becoming spiteful towards another for perceiving them to be limiting me I stop myself and breath, I bring myself back here and look at reality for what it is and show myself until I actually get it and integrate it as myself that no one is actually limiting me but me, and within believing another is limiting me I am actually showing myself points/character of inferiority that I have allowed myself to exist as, and thus I commit myself to investigate the points within self honesty as only through seeing the specifics of each point will I be able to free myself from the limitations I have created myself as, as the mind, and within showing myself the self created limitation I can take direction of/as myself and stop being directed by/as the mind as limitation/inferiority
I commit myself to stopping myself as the character of blame because I realize it is a self manipulation tactic to keep me from taking self responsibility for/as myself in every moment within realizing that only I am responsible for myself, and in a grater scale responsible for everything in existence as myself, and thus I commit myself to stop blame within/as breath because as long as I blame I am not allowing myself to see the real true evil nature of myself as I turn the focus on others to carry the blame instead of looking at it practically within common sense and seeing what is my responsibility of/in regards to the situation
I commit myself to walk the point of spitefulness until I am clear and do not participate within it any more, I realize this will take time, as it took many years for me to design myself as the character and thus I realize the many layers/dimensions this character holds within/as it, within/as myself, and thus I commit myself to walk humbly, patiently, slowly, forgiving myself for point by point by point, while allowing myself to go into all the layers/characters/acceptances of weakness/inferiority/worthlessness/fear that I have allowed myself to exist as and thus to direct me - no more, I commit myself to through walking this process within utilizing the tools provided of writing, self forgiveness and commitment statements, to walk myself free of the limitations/beliefs I have created as myself, to stop myself as the religion of self I have allowed myself to exist as, to stand up as life, to breathe, to acknowledge my physical body and existence as a whole, and to walk until it is done, until I am no more reacting from an automated response program, until I am no longer participating in anything that is not supporting all as life as equals, until I am here in every breath, within self trust, walking what is best for all and living as a living example of life
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Wednesday, October 24, 2012
This blog is a follow up from my previous blog
Day 69 - Friendship - Part 11 – Spitefulness – Part 1
The point of spitefulness opened up through writing about friendships, as I have exposed to myself the point of spitefulness within friendships. While writing I found myself going into resistance towards opening up the point, I wrote and deleted and wrote and deleted, thus i saw that this point needs direct attention and deeper investigation.
I realize this resistance is here to "protect" myself from the perspective of protecting the who I am as the characters of the mind, as the personalities I have created myself as, protecting myself form not admitting myself as spiteful and thus not having to change - this resistance is the mind's attempt to sabotage my self realization. Within realizing this, I know I must push through this point, I must face myself, I must let go the judgment/shame that I have manipulated myself into using as a shield protecting me from myself, and allow myself to humbly see me as who I have accepted myself to become within participating with and creating nastiness/spitefulness/evil, so that through seeing, allowing myself to forgive myself and correct myself within the principle of that which is best for all - which is defiantly NOT spitefulness.
I took a look at all my relationships to see where and why I have allowed myself to go into and participate with spitefulness . The reasons/justifications for spitefulness are many, each one of them is a character in itself, but here I will just address them in respect to spitefulness, and make note to myself to go into them further in blogs to come, so here goes:
Competition
Arrogance
Impatience
Jealousy
Revenge
Limitation
Blame
Annoyance
Superiority
Inferiority
Worthlessness
Judgment
Being corrected
Not trusting
Fare game
Being miss treated
Desire approval
Abuse for sense of power
Passing on the energy of inferiority/anger
Expectation
Disappointment
Believing I am not loved
Manipulation
Control
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within/as spitefulness as a deliberate action/thought intended to hurt/harm/abuse another
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within/as spitefulness/nastiness towards people I have created a competition towards, and within the competition I see myself as the loser and thus spite them as a form of regaining my power back through thinking nasty thoughts in my hidden mind, or actually speaking the words or acting out on the spitefulness, as a way to weaken the other in my mind or actually through their reaction to my words/deeds, and thus I use spitefulness to weaken/harm/abuse the other, to place myself in a better position within the mind created competition
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think/speak/act within spitefulness from a starting point of arrogance, as I see myself as more than the other as I have defined them as stupid/slow, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define a multi dimensional being in a one dimension definition within a deliberate act of spitefulness to limit them in my mind and to be able to place them in a box as to get rid of the complexity of the multi-dimetionality and to justify myself within the belief that they are in fact that which I defined them as, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define others in such ways that I will feel empowered/stronger, and thus to live out this desire of power I think/speak/act within spitefulness towards them, as to prove to myself the position of power that I so very much desire, at the expense of them and in complete disregard of them as multi-dimetional and equal beings, not considering them at all and the abuse/harm I am causing in their lives and within their process
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within/as spitefulness within a starting point of impatience as I believe myself to be more than the other and thus within disregarding them as equal beings as life, and thus I allow myself to participate within impatience and express it through thoughts/words/deeds within spitefulness, to make sure the other being is aware of my experience of impatience as a way to make them feel small/valueless/worthless and thus on the other side I can feel strong/valuable/worthy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/speak/act within spitefulness within the starting point of jealousy, as I find myself jealous of another being and experience myself as less than them, thus I turn to spitefulness as a way to hurt them as I hold them responsible and blame them for my experience of jealousy, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the experience of jealousy is self created and not done to me by anyone but myself, and thus participating in spitefulness towards another is a form of abdicating self responsibility as I have not taken responsibility for the construct of jealousy that I have been participating with, but instead take it out on them within spitefulness, not realizing that it is I who have defined myself as less than them, while using them as an object to project my self abuse as my experience of inferiority/worthlessness, thus using them as a tool in my life to abuse them in order to experience momentarily the power that I have denied from myself through self diminishment and self judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/speak/act within spitefulness within the starting point of revenge, where I experience another being spiteful towards me, and I resent them for that, as I have reacted and have taken their spitefulness personally instead of allowing myself to see the construct they are participating within and stop myself from reacting through realizing that it isn't in fact personal but just a mind game within the intention to get me to react, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to spitefulness out of deliberate ignorance as to why the other is being spiteful, and within accepted ignorance I have allowed myself to spite them back and thus participate in spitefulness myself even though I have experienced it's harmful/abusive nature, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the "cry for help" within another's spitefulness as I now realize that any spitefulness is an expression of self worthlessness/inferiority/judgment, and thus any being that is spiteful is in fact not allowing themselves to express/face themselves in a supportive way, thus instead of supporting them as myself to see themselves to realize themselves as equals as life, I use it against them because I as well have not yet realized myself as life, and I spite them back as revenge to feel an experience of power/control, to cover up my own self diminishment/inferiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto memories of experiencing others being spiteful towards me and to bring up these memories within myself and use them as leverage for revenge, justifying to myself that it's ok for me to be spiteful because they were spiteful in the past so I get to do it too, creating within this a value system of revenge, as if someone had done me wrong I can do it as well, instead of seeing the harm/abuse of spitefulness as I have experienced it for myself and allowing myself to be the one to stop the "back and forth" game of spitefulness, a game where we all are losers, as we are all diminishing ourselves and each other in order to play, thus not allowing ourselves to see ourselves as equal and to thus support ourselves as life, but instead to abuse/harm within spitefulness/nastiness based on a value system that approves and validates revenge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/speak/act within spitefulness within the starting point of limitation, where I have perceive myself to being limited by another, while not allowing myself to see that the experience of limitation is self inflicted, and thus I blame the other for creating the experience of limitation within myself, and allow myself to go into the character of self victimization, instead of standing up within/as myself and stopping the experience of limitation, within seeing reality for what it is within/as the physical, and taking into consideration only physical limitation as reality, while realizing that any experience of limitation is just that, an experience, thus created within/as the mind and is not tangible as the physical, thus not real as the physical, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the experience of limitation to be real, and thus to blame others for creating this experience within myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in spitefulness towards these beings while using blame as justification as to why I am allowed to spite them, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am in fact only spiting myself for not allowing myself to see that I am the one creating the experience of limitation within/as myself, and thus through allowing myself to participate in blame and spitefulness I distract myself from seeing that I am in fact the source for my experience and thus have the power to stop myself within and as breath, as a self directive decision, instead of continuing the cycle of self abuse as I allow myself to abuse others on the way
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/speak/act within spitefulness within the starting point of blame, where I blame another for doing something wrong, I judge them for what they have done, I blame them for being the cause of my experiencing
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that all spitefulness is sourced within fear/inferiority/worthlessness that I have accepted as myself and is designed to create the polarity of these inner experiences as I create them in other beings, and thus participate/create/enhance the cycle of evil through passing on the torch of fear/inferiority/worthlessness while not actually letting go of it, but only duplicating it in lives of others while still holding on to my own, because I haven't in fact dealt with the point of fear/inferiority/worthlessness, thus I am still limited/directed by it, and so within spitefulness I duplicate the negative energy within myself and within others, instead of standing up for life and stopping the cycle of abuse, not allowing myself to see, realize and understand the vast consequences of participation with energy, as I allow it to consume myself as the physical, as it consumes myself in every moment within preoccupying myself through spiteful thoughts and fear of spitefulness, and thus not allows me to be here as breath, living a life that is worth living within/as the physical body, as the reality of me
corrective statements in the following blog, and then the next bunch of characters that the spiteful character latches onto.
stay tuned
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Monday, October 22, 2012
continue from my previous blogs:
Day 59 - Redefining friendship
Day 60 - friendship - Part 2 - Care and Support
Day 61 - Friendship - Part 3 - Care and Support - Self Forgiveness
Day 62 - Friendship - Part 4 – Limitation
Day 63 - Friendship - Part 5 – Quality Time
Day 64 - Friendship - Part 6 - Quality time - Self Forgiveness
Day 65 - Friendship - Part 7 – Consumerism
Day 66 - Friendship - Part 8 - The Debt System
Day 67 - Friendship - Part 9 - The Debt System - Self Forgiveness
Another interesting construct I find within friendships is Gossip.
Within entertaining ourselves through our friendships, and within supporting each other's personalities/characters, and within wanting to feel powerful at the expense of making someone else seem inferior, and within creating an "us" verses "them", to create an alliance as we lie together, as we go-sip, like a vampire action, as we suck the life of another through spreading lies behind their backs without them having an ability to stand for themselves. as we assassinate their character only to strengthen our own, as we feel powerful from receiving the acceptance and approval of the alliance, as a group of friends to keep/protect each other's backs, within the competition we exist as, within fear, within the accepted inferiority as ourselves, as we judge ourselves within our own self expression - we then project it on to the other as we judge them for their expression, wanting them to be seen as evil/bad/stupid/ugly so that we can see ourselves as more than them, as better - so instead of seeing ourselves for who we are, for the evil nature we allow ourselves to exist as, we point our attention out there, and look for who can we blame for it all, as we accept and participate within the evil construct of gossip.
And so, once seeing how friendship supports gossip - how can friendship still stand as a positive/loving construct in our minds? If there wasn't the construct of friendship, if there wasn't the alliance of accepting each other's lies, would there be gossip?
We accept and allow gossip all around us, in media specifically, exposing all the hidden secrets of who we have chosen as our celebrity gods, gossiping about who did what to whom and presenting them in a good light one day and then trashing them the next, creating energy within us, keeping us on our toes, feeding us with this addiction of gossip and slander, to distract us from ourselves, so then we copy the construct and gossip about our friends with our friends, accepting it as valid because we have lived in it all our lives and never have questions it or took a moment to evaluate if this construct of gossip has a right to exist, is it in any way supporting us as life or is it solely supporting the mind, as it creates conflict within our relationships and within ourselves, conflict that we experience as energetic reactions, energy that is derived from our physical flesh to maintain the mind as it go-sips, and drinks away from our life essence, from our physical to survive, while we allow it within our accepted addiction to energy, to conflict, not allowing ourselves to stop for a moment, to breathe, and to decide within self direction - is this who I want to be?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within gossip through speaking about people behind their back from a starting point of spitefulness, within the desire to turn the listener into spiteful as well, so that we are both spiteful towards the person I am gossiping about, so that I can feel powerful and be validated through my friend's acceptance/participation of the gossip
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within gossip through listening to gossip coming my way, within enjoying the energetic high within curiosity and knowing something about someone without them telling me directly as a point of power/control, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more than myself at moments of gossip, as I accumulate knowledge about others as a point of power/control that I can then use as manipulation to "win" if I find myself in a situation of social survival
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a stronger bond within friendships through gossiping, as a way to connect at the expense of someone else that we both dislike, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my friends as people that share similar likes/dislike with me, and thus if we find a point to gossip about together I see us as closer as friends, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to gossip with friends from a starting point of through the gossip we are tied to each other, as we have power over each other, as we have become partners in crime, and thus through gossip we tighten our bond, not based on our friendship/communication, but based in fear, as we each have a card over each other's heads, that we can draw at any time, thus creating an agreement that as long as we gossip together we remain friends and support each other by hiding what we are doing while justifying to ourselves within our minds that it's ok because the other is participating in it as well, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within the desire to keep gossip a secret within fear of people finding out, I am showing to myself that it is unacceptable to gossip, as I realize that that which I make an effort to hide is me showing me that I am not aligned with what I am doing, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate from myself within/as gossip through knowing within myself that what I am doing is evil and abusive but instead of stopping I deliberately continue within the excuse and justification that everybody does it, and within the self interest of getting the energetic high, power and winning the competition I have created within my mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within gossip as a way to evaluate the situation and the powers at hand, to snoop around, to see who is on "my side" and who is on the other side, and within gossiping I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to plant seeds of doubt and resentment in other people's minds towards the being I am gossiping about, deliberately doing so, within realizing that with time the seed will grow and they will not know how it got there and that I planted it, but their minds will be set up to resent that being, because they once heard something nasty about them, and within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility and be accountable for my actions and words and to seed spitefulness and resentment in people's mind, to then complain that the world is nasty but not allow myself to see my participation within it all
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in gossip as a way to justify myself through diminishing and assassinating someone else's character, showing the world how this being is wrong/bad/stupid/ugly so that I can justify my existence of being better and thus more worthy than them, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to find a way to actually accept myself, within allowing myself to admit to the evil that I have created myself as, and to from the self realization of who I am, to allow myself to change myself into a being that is worthy of life, instead of diminishing someone else just to through comparison place myself as better than them, but better than what? I have accepted myself as unworthy and instead of taking responsibility and directing myself as what is best for all, as creating myself into a being that I accept, I create gossip about another, making them seem as bad as possible so that I can compare myself to them and believe I am at least not the worst, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "shoot so low" so to speak, in regards to not even believing I can be worthy of life through applying myself as who I am, but instead to compare myself to the lowest definition I can think of and accept myself as "at least better than that"
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that gossip is showing me the self diminishment I have been participating through trying to make me more than someone, that I have to make less, to be able to win the comparison - how fucked up is this? How low can I go? What happened to comparing myself to the best in order to see how much more I can expand myself? What happened to seeing someone and supporting myself through creating communication and allowing myself to learn from them as I teach them, as we both expand together and equalize each other within the best interest of all - why do we accept ourselves within this competition sourced in our self judgment/diminishment/inferiority?
Time to stop
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself about to participate in gossip, and to speak the words aloud, I am not allowing myself to participate in gossip. I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/if I see myself listening to gossip, and to speak the words aloud, I am not allowing myself to participate in gossip. I commit myself to stop the curiosity within breath and bring myself back here, within realizing that there is nothing I can hear about any one within the starting point of gossip, that can support me in any way, it is just perpetuating the mind and my characters and validating my inferiority, while sabotaging/abusing others as I create more conflict/spitefulness/resentment in our environment
I commit myself to stop myself within/as competition, I have realized that competition is a mind construct that is designed to validate me as inferior within trying to win and be better than, instead of stopping the polarity all together within realizing that though comparison can be constructively used as a point of reference to expand myself towards, competition is never of support for myself or another and thus must be stopped
I commit myself, when seeing myself going into competition, to investigate the points of inferiority within myself as I have realized that inferiority can only exist as a mind created self judgment, as a form of self diminishment, I commit myself to taking all the actual physical data of myself and correcting myself as what is best for all, within stopping my participation with the evil construct of gossip, and willing myself and directing myself to become someone I can accept within knowing I am stopping the abuse within myself towards myself and others, and walking a process of self correction
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