Showing posts with label the joker. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the joker. Show all posts
Monday, December 3, 2012
This is a continuation from my previous blogs:
Day 104 - Nature reflecting my assertiveness
Day 105 - My relationship with Assertiveness
Day 106 - Assertiveness - Part 3 - Self forgiveness
Day 107 - assertiveness - "problem points"
Please read this blog for further insight A History with Life After Death – Part 10
"...the most Important Foundation Stone for your Process to Life Here on Earth, which is Steadfastness. It is Consistency. It is the Basis of your Existence. It is the Premise of One’s Equality. It is Who You Are, Breath by Breath. It is where you Face the Temptation of the Easy Road that is Always Presented by the Sugar-Lolly the System use to get you to Ignore the Total Reality and to Focus Only on your own Self Interest. Steadfastness – it is a Steady, yet Fast Movement, to make sure you’re not Shifted from That which Is Life, Equal, In All."
Day 104 - Nature reflecting my assertiveness
Day 105 - My relationship with Assertiveness
Day 106 - Assertiveness - Part 3 - Self forgiveness
Day 107 - assertiveness - "problem points"
I found several
definition of assertiveness
Assertive -
1. Confident and
direct in claiming one's rights or putting forward one's views.
2. Inclined to bold
or confident assertion; aggressively self-assured.
3. given to making
assertions or bold demands; dogmatic or aggressive
The word
assertiveness has been tainted with aggression, I see
this through my own application of the word as well as how it's been defined in
dictionaries - we live in a world that being confident and direct is related to
aggression, that's the extent of suppression we have allowed in this world - as
the only way one can express themselves directly and move forward would be
through using force, so we have a world where those that are confident and
successful had to force their way to the top, within allowing themselves to be
aggressive, but they are not all solely to blame because this is what we all accepted and allowed
as the demands within system , thus, we as the system have related
assertiveness and self direction with aggression and using force.
I was planning to
redefine assertiveness, but instead I was introduced to a new word -
steadfastness, this word represents everything that assertiveness represent but
doesn't have any aggressive connotations, steadfastness represents a stability,
which is not in relation to an interaction, it is a self stability, whereas
assertiveness is in relation to interaction and thus is not an unconditional
self stand, as it is within communication with
another, or towards another, thus, within assertiveness exist steadfastness,
but steadfastness exist regardless of assertiveness as a self stability and
clarity, steadfastness would then essentially be self assertiveness, an
assertiveness as an expression of self regardless the situation.
steadfast
1. fixed in
direction; steadily directed.
2. firm in purpose,
resolution as a person: a steadfast friend.
3. unwavering, as
resolution, adherence, etc.
4. firmly
established, as an institution or a state of affairs.
5. firmly fixed in
place or position.
Please read this blog for further insight A History with Life After Death – Part 10
"...the most Important Foundation Stone for your Process to Life Here on Earth, which is Steadfastness. It is Consistency. It is the Basis of your Existence. It is the Premise of One’s Equality. It is Who You Are, Breath by Breath. It is where you Face the Temptation of the Easy Road that is Always Presented by the Sugar-Lolly the System use to get you to Ignore the Total Reality and to Focus Only on your own Self Interest. Steadfastness – it is a Steady, yet Fast Movement, to make sure you’re not Shifted from That which Is Life, Equal, In All."
I forgive myself for
not accepting
and allowing myself to stand as steadfastness, thus not allowing myself to
stand firm, stable and clear within myself as self honesty as knowing who I am as life and
living myself as self expression in every moment
I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing myself to be self assertive, within this I forgive
myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be assertive towards myself as
the mind
as I have allowed the mind
to direct me instead of allowing myself to be the directive principle
I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as stable, serious, direct,
and thus have not allowed myself to live and express myself as steadfastness,
in fact I have defined myself as he contrary and thus have created characters
as the joker character that I have lived by and have thus allowed to direct me,
within not realizing that I am being directed by the character that I have
created within separation myself form steadfastness as the expression of self
as life
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to fear
the reactions of others within projecting onto them the self judgment
based in the self belief that I am not qualifies to express myself as
stability, thus fearing
experiencing the judgment
from them that will confirm my own self judgment, thus I have made a deliberate
choice
to avoid any stand within/as myself as to express myself as silly, and thus to
prevent any judgment that will confirm my own self judgment as inadequate, not
realizing that I have within this, created myself as inadequate and thus have
in fact manifested my fear as proving to myself my own self created self
belief, within this I realize that as long as I judge myself as incapable of
standing, as unworthy of standing within stability, I will continue fearing being judged
by others, thus I realize that my fear of being judged by others is mirroring
myself back to self, as showing me my own points of self judgment, and point I
have not allowed myself to accept as myself as one and equal
I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as serious and thus have
separated myself from serious as an expression, within this I forgive myself
for accepting and allowing myself to prove myself right within not allowing
myself to express myself as serious though using the polarity expression
as the joker and defining it as myself, within this I forgive myself for not
accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that both serious
and the joker expressions are valid as self expression when striped of the
polarity I have attached to them, within giving them a value, and a preference,
thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself see that the
value, preference I have given the serious and the joker expression have been
limiting me from actually expressing myself as either of them as myself -
because I have placed value/preference on these expressions I have used them as
self definition and have limited myself as my self expression within an act, a
performance, using these expression to suit my self interest, but within this I
have lost myself in the performance and have become enslaved to the expression
as not allowing myself to be serious "because it's not me" and
expressing myself as the joker when it is not my actual self expression as a
way to hide my true self expression from others as myself "because that's
who I am, funny, a joker"
I realize that I am
not defined by the character o believe to define me, thus, I realize I am not
defined as the joker and not as "not serious" within this I realize
that I can express myself in any expression and not limit myself as self definition,
thus, when and as I see myself going into the joker character, I stop myself
and breathe, I check my starting point, I check within self honesty if joking
around is an actual self expression or is a participation within a character,
thus if I realize that I am acting the character I stop myself, I breathe, and
do not allow myself to participate in the character, I realize this will cause
an inner conflict
because this is the expression I am so used to thus I commit myself to support
myself with breathing
and continue breathing as I return back to self, and align back with myself as
who I really am, thus not allowing myself to jump into character but breath
through it until the energy
has passed, within this I commit myself to when I see myself avoiding the
serious expression due to fear, and due to believing it isn't who I am, I stop
myself and breath, I allow myself to express myself in a stable and clear way
without running away to the joker character, I allow myself to explore myself
as clear, steadfast and stable without fear, within this I commit myself to
stop the polarity I have created between the joker and the serious as I have
realized both expressions are equally valid within a starting point of self
honesty as self expression, and both are equally not valid as a character,
participated within fear.
I commit myself to
walk this point in awareness in the next 7-14 days, and to realign myself and
investigate every specific point that come up where I see myself not standing
stable and instead turning to the joker character, or not allowing myself to express
myself seriously, within this I commit myself to right out the points that come
up and to forgive myself and correct my application and to free myself from the
limitations I have enslaved myself as within this point, and through freeing
myself from this point, allow myself to be one within the expression of
steadfastness in every moment of every breath - I realize this is a process and
will take time, thus, I commit myself to walk it day by day until I have
cleared myself from the points, until I have actually forgiven myself for how I
have allowed myself to exist and correct/change myself to live as self
expression within self honesty as living the principle that governs life as
oneness and equality, and thus living as what is best for all life
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Saturday, December 1, 2012
This is a continuation from my previous blog:
Day 104 - Nature reflecting my assertiveness
Assertive - Confident and direct in claiming one's rights or putting forward one's views.
Being assertive is a point that has been an issue for
me for a very long time, I’ve never felt comfortable within the expression of
assertiveness - there is a fine line between assertiveness and aggressiveness,
and I would either cross the line and express myself as aggressive, or would go
to the other side of expressing myself as a joker, not taking myself seriously
by giggling, making it seam unimportant. So, instead of being clear, direct and
assertive, I would be aggressive, attacking and demanding, or i would be funny,
unserious and joking - both from a starting point of fear, a fear of not being
heard,
fear of not being taken seriously, both within a starting point of not trusting
myself within/as a clear and direct expression, not trusting myself that
expressing myself within stability, simply being here as self expression, would
be enough, so the aggression would be like a threat - "you better listen to me",
and the joking would be a giving up as self disregard - "I'm just kidding, you
don't have to take me seriously".
There is a specific point within my resistance to being assertive and that is to receive an "inappropriate" or a not supportive response from others, from a perspective of not being taken seriously. When I think of standing and speaking assertively, I see myself saying something and actually meaning it being serious about it, but because everybody knows me as a joker/silly it is disregarded and not taken seriously, as i am left standing there, shameful for being ignored, insulted for not being heard.
As I am writing this, I see that this thoughts/projection actually comes from a specific memory - I was in a course in the army with a group of girls for three weeks, on a daily basis. most of the time I was joking around and being silly, laughing and making others laugh as well, not being too serious, and basically just enjoying myself and having fun. At one point there was a discussion in the class and I shared my perspective, and I was very serious about what i had said – but, instead of taking what I had said seriously, as a valid contribution to the conversation, some of the girls laughed as a response to what I had said, as if anything i would say is a joke and not to be taken seriously - I was very insulted and angry at them for treating me like that, for not listening to me, for disregarding what i had to say without hearing me out - I later brought it up in front of the group, they said that since I'm always joking they were sure I was kidding about this as well...
I felt like I have cheated myself, I have been presenting myself in a funny, silly way, and have robbed myself the option of being serious because I have created an idea in their minds and now, instead of listening to what I am saying , they can only see me through the silly idea they have of me.
I took the situation very personally, I felt like I was transparent, not seen, if they only saw me as a joker, which was only an external layer, then they didn't really see me at all, thus I resented them, and blamed them for not seeing me when in fact, I have allowed myself to consistently present myself as "the joker" character, and thus have not allowed myself to express myself as here, within breath, within self honesty - so they could see only that which I showed them, and since I was hiding behind the "joker" character - how could they have seen me?
I realize that being a joker as a character is a form of coping mechanism, thus instead of allowing myself to be here, and express myself as who/what I really am, instead of allowing myself to be clear and direct about what I am saying, I have suppressed any expression of myself, and allowed the joker to take over other characters to protect me from being hurt again, and thus have created myself, very convincingly, as the joker, thus, I am the one responsible for them thinking I was joking, and not taking me seriously.
This memory made me take a step back from ever trying to speak assertively/seriously because I have created a belief that I won’t ever be taken seriously - then what's the point? through this I have always created myself as the joker, to avoid having to relive the experience/situation of saying something ‘for real’ and being disregarded, and thus I have been living my life as the joker, not allowing myself to expose myself as who i am, as what i actually mean to say, as my actual clear and direct point of view - due to fear of being disregarded. Over the years I have forgotten it was a choice and have allowed it to become a self belief a self definition, believing that I am in fact incapable of being serious, assertive, clear and direct and thus continue expressing myself as the joker, proving to myself that all I am is the joker, justifying to myself why I'm not allowing myself to take myself seriously instead of stopping myself, clearing my starting point, clearing the memory and allowing myself to be every expression as life, not limited within fear of facing other's reactions ever again.
In order to justify to myself why I won't allow myself to express myself as assertive or serious I have created a relationship of polarity within myself towards such expressions, connecting them to aggressive and evil expressions, and thus, since I see myself as a good, nice person, as the main character I have created myself as, I can't be associated with aggressive and evil expressions, thus I cannot be serious or assertive because that would contradict my inner self definition.
So basically, instead of allowing myself to be assertive, here, within self expression, expressing myself as who I am within stability and clarity, I would go to either side of the extreme polarity, of either becoming aggressive, or becoming the joker. thus, when I try to imagine myself being assertive, there is a double reaction within myself, there is a fear, a fear from the aggressive aspect I have attached to it, a fear of exposing the beast within me, and the other reaction is an inner laughter, I laugh within myself, at myself, for putting on such a bad act, since within myself I believe that I am not that, not serious, not assertive, thus it's an act, and I can see right through it.
I find that when I do express myself in assertiveness I will either end up with a giggle or a joke, to "ease the seriousness", or I will end up crying as I have built up energy as aggression to have the courage to speak up, and it would be a release of all the built up energy, or I would simply be aggressive, not allowing the other to have a word, not leaving any one else any room to express themselves.
I see it like sitting on either side of the seesaw, going up and down from the joker to being aggressive and back again, instead of finding the center, the point of equilibrium, where I am stable and clear and direct, and speak/express myself from that point of stability - the center of the seesaw is where assertiveness exists, and I have been avoiding that place of stability due to fear, due to not trusting myself that I, as who I am within self honesty will every be enough.
Obviously, it would be best for all if I were to learn to
express myself within assertiveness, and not allow myself to participate in any
expression that is derived from fear, and as I’ve clearly seen, both the joker
and the aggressive expressions, are derived from fear and thus are
unacceptable.
So, I commit myself here, to myself, to start a process of becoming assertive as myself, as who I am, stopping the separation I have created towards assertiveness, investigate all points further, to bring myself to a point of self expression, as who I am , expressing myself as a clear, direct and stable stand
I commit myself to support myself within and as breath, to make it my nature to breathe before I speak, to be clear within myself, to let go the fear of the reactions of others, and to speak clearly and directly
I commit myself to slow myself down, to breathe, to correct myself and forgive myself in the moment, if I see myself going to the joker, or aggressive characters, and bring myself back here, within/as breath to a clear, direct and assertiveness with my expression
I commit myself to dedicate the next 21 days to focus on my expression, I will write about points that come up during my day, and clear myself within the next 21 day, showing myself what I have created within and as myself, where/why/when have I compromised myself as self expression, as a direct clear expression of who I am, to be able to stop such self compromise and start living, breathing, expressing, here
For Further Support, a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out Links:
Desteni
Desteni Wiki
Desteni Forum
Desteni I Process
Equal Money System
Journey to Life Group
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Creation's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to LIfe
Earth's Journey to Life
Day 104 - Nature reflecting my assertiveness
Assertive - Confident and direct in claiming one's rights or putting forward one's views.
There is a specific point within my resistance to being assertive and that is to receive an "inappropriate" or a not supportive response from others, from a perspective of not being taken seriously. When I think of standing and speaking assertively, I see myself saying something and actually meaning it being serious about it, but because everybody knows me as a joker/silly it is disregarded and not taken seriously, as i am left standing there, shameful for being ignored, insulted for not being heard.
As I am writing this, I see that this thoughts/projection actually comes from a specific memory - I was in a course in the army with a group of girls for three weeks, on a daily basis. most of the time I was joking around and being silly, laughing and making others laugh as well, not being too serious, and basically just enjoying myself and having fun. At one point there was a discussion in the class and I shared my perspective, and I was very serious about what i had said – but, instead of taking what I had said seriously, as a valid contribution to the conversation, some of the girls laughed as a response to what I had said, as if anything i would say is a joke and not to be taken seriously - I was very insulted and angry at them for treating me like that, for not listening to me, for disregarding what i had to say without hearing me out - I later brought it up in front of the group, they said that since I'm always joking they were sure I was kidding about this as well...
I felt like I have cheated myself, I have been presenting myself in a funny, silly way, and have robbed myself the option of being serious because I have created an idea in their minds and now, instead of listening to what I am saying , they can only see me through the silly idea they have of me.
I took the situation very personally, I felt like I was transparent, not seen, if they only saw me as a joker, which was only an external layer, then they didn't really see me at all, thus I resented them, and blamed them for not seeing me when in fact, I have allowed myself to consistently present myself as "the joker" character, and thus have not allowed myself to express myself as here, within breath, within self honesty - so they could see only that which I showed them, and since I was hiding behind the "joker" character - how could they have seen me?
I realize that being a joker as a character is a form of coping mechanism, thus instead of allowing myself to be here, and express myself as who/what I really am, instead of allowing myself to be clear and direct about what I am saying, I have suppressed any expression of myself, and allowed the joker to take over other characters to protect me from being hurt again, and thus have created myself, very convincingly, as the joker, thus, I am the one responsible for them thinking I was joking, and not taking me seriously.
This memory made me take a step back from ever trying to speak assertively/seriously because I have created a belief that I won’t ever be taken seriously - then what's the point? through this I have always created myself as the joker, to avoid having to relive the experience/situation of saying something ‘for real’ and being disregarded, and thus I have been living my life as the joker, not allowing myself to expose myself as who i am, as what i actually mean to say, as my actual clear and direct point of view - due to fear of being disregarded. Over the years I have forgotten it was a choice and have allowed it to become a self belief a self definition, believing that I am in fact incapable of being serious, assertive, clear and direct and thus continue expressing myself as the joker, proving to myself that all I am is the joker, justifying to myself why I'm not allowing myself to take myself seriously instead of stopping myself, clearing my starting point, clearing the memory and allowing myself to be every expression as life, not limited within fear of facing other's reactions ever again.
In order to justify to myself why I won't allow myself to express myself as assertive or serious I have created a relationship of polarity within myself towards such expressions, connecting them to aggressive and evil expressions, and thus, since I see myself as a good, nice person, as the main character I have created myself as, I can't be associated with aggressive and evil expressions, thus I cannot be serious or assertive because that would contradict my inner self definition.
So basically, instead of allowing myself to be assertive, here, within self expression, expressing myself as who I am within stability and clarity, I would go to either side of the extreme polarity, of either becoming aggressive, or becoming the joker. thus, when I try to imagine myself being assertive, there is a double reaction within myself, there is a fear, a fear from the aggressive aspect I have attached to it, a fear of exposing the beast within me, and the other reaction is an inner laughter, I laugh within myself, at myself, for putting on such a bad act, since within myself I believe that I am not that, not serious, not assertive, thus it's an act, and I can see right through it.
I find that when I do express myself in assertiveness I will either end up with a giggle or a joke, to "ease the seriousness", or I will end up crying as I have built up energy as aggression to have the courage to speak up, and it would be a release of all the built up energy, or I would simply be aggressive, not allowing the other to have a word, not leaving any one else any room to express themselves.
I see it like sitting on either side of the seesaw, going up and down from the joker to being aggressive and back again, instead of finding the center, the point of equilibrium, where I am stable and clear and direct, and speak/express myself from that point of stability - the center of the seesaw is where assertiveness exists, and I have been avoiding that place of stability due to fear, due to not trusting myself that I, as who I am within self honesty will every be enough.
Obviously, it would be best for all if I were to learn to
express myself within assertiveness, and not allow myself to participate in any
expression that is derived from fear, and as I’ve clearly seen, both the joker
and the aggressive expressions, are derived from fear and thus are
unacceptable.So, I commit myself here, to myself, to start a process of becoming assertive as myself, as who I am, stopping the separation I have created towards assertiveness, investigate all points further, to bring myself to a point of self expression, as who I am , expressing myself as a clear, direct and stable stand
I commit myself to support myself within and as breath, to make it my nature to breathe before I speak, to be clear within myself, to let go the fear of the reactions of others, and to speak clearly and directly
I commit myself to slow myself down, to breathe, to correct myself and forgive myself in the moment, if I see myself going to the joker, or aggressive characters, and bring myself back here, within/as breath to a clear, direct and assertiveness with my expression
I commit myself to dedicate the next 21 days to focus on my expression, I will write about points that come up during my day, and clear myself within the next 21 day, showing myself what I have created within and as myself, where/why/when have I compromised myself as self expression, as a direct clear expression of who I am, to be able to stop such self compromise and start living, breathing, expressing, here
For Further Support, a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out Links:
Desteni
Desteni Wiki
Desteni Forum
Desteni I Process
Equal Money System
Journey to Life Group
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Creation's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to LIfe
Earth's Journey to Life
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