Showing posts with label self sabotage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self sabotage. Show all posts
Saturday, April 19, 2014
I just had a conversation with someone and they pointed out
that I use the word “should” rather often, that I am stating towards myself
that I “should” this and “should” that – and they mentioned that it is not a
supportive form of self expression. After my initial resistance and reaction of
justifying that it is as a legitimate form of self expression and self
communication as any other, I want ahead and took a deeper look at the point.
I have noticed a tendency that I have been participating
within, where I express myself in form of “should”, where I tell myself what I
“should” be doing and who I “should” have become by now… This self talk has not been empowering but
rather has a self defeating aspect to it, where I put myself down and beat
myself up by telling myself how much better I should have been by now – doing
so within the experience and expression towards myself that I am a failure for
not achieving that which I “should” have achieved by now.
Now that I am exploring this point of expression of “I
should have” and shedding some light on the matter, what I am seeing is that
there are two ways to use that expression– one as an expression of self support
and one as self sabotage – it all depends on the starting point, the
experience, and the actions that follow.
An example to how I have been using the “I should have” as
self sabotage is expressed in my previous blog, where, for example, I have a tendency
to compare myself to others that have walked their process a similar amount of
time and thus I use that comparison to state towards myself in self judgment
that I should have been able to be as effective as they are within my stand, I
use the facts against me, I interpret them in a way that does not encourage me
to grow/expand but rather I use it as justification to quit or to avoid that
which will support me in walking towards my goal of, for example, greater
effectiveness and clarity – in this example it is clear that I am using the “I should
have” as a form of comparison and belittling. Imagine for a moment a situation when
a parent would compare their child to their friend that got a better grade and would
tell them something like this: “Why can’t you be more like X, he got an A, you
should have gotten an A as well, you have the same teacher, you go to the same
class, why can’t you be more like them, they must simply be better than you,
maybe you should even stop trying because apparently you are a loser…”
This type of communication, whether expressed towards others
or towards self is obviously not supportive nor does it encourage growth, and
at the same time it does not offer any support or solutions in order to reach
the goal and achieve the point of comparison. This form of “I should have” is
thus a form of self sabotage. I must admit that I am guilty as charged… as this
is the main form of “I should have” that I have been participating within.
But, as I have mentioned above, I am finding that there is
another way to use this expression of “I should have” from within a starting
point of self support, or at the very least to use this expression as a tool
for self support, as a flag point, until the point is transcended. Here is what
I have found.
The supportive form of using the expression of “I should
have” would be done from a starting point and intention of learning and growth
– in such a situation one would use comparison as a tool to see what ones
potential might be if one were to apply oneself effectively, in the example of
the parents and the child it would look something like this: “look, if X is
getting A’s all it means is that it can be done, you go to same class and have
the same teacher as X, which means you should be able to get an A as well –
let’s see together what we can do to figure out why you are not reaching your
potential and how we can help you in being the best that you can be, not within
the intention of you being as good as X is, because it is not about them, it is
about you and how we can help you reach your potential - so you are living the
best version of yourself, lets learn from X and see what they are doing to
succeed…”
The point here is that we can use the comparison to indicate
there is a challenge that we want to put our attention on, and then we use the
comparison for self growth rather than for self sabotage and judgment and
belittlement. So by saying ”I should be able to do/be this or that, because I
see X is doing it, or because I have an idea of the level of accomplishment
that I can reach” can simply be an indication of ones unreached potential from
a starting point of encouragement rather than belittlement, a starting point of
self motivation for growth and expansion as an opportunity to push oneself to
walk through all perceived limitations and actually achieve that which might
seem as impossible.
By looking at those around us that are walking a similar
path and comparing ourselves to them within a starting point of self support we
can then learn from their example, we can investigate their habits, we can observe
their application, we can perhaps communicate with them directly and ask about
their struggles and challenges and get insight as to how they overcame them –
both to get practical ideas from those who have walked the path before us, and
also because in many cases we create ideas about others, not realizing the time
and effort they had actually put in to their success, making it seem to an
outside observer that it is so easy for them, while in fact they have gone
through a process to reach the level of success that we are admiring.
The word “should” can thus live as a reminder for that – so,
from now on, I commit myself to whenever I catch myself using the word “should”
within the phrase “I should have”, to check my starting point and see if I am
in self sabotage or self support and to realign myself if necessary – within
this, I commit myself to changing my relationship towards the word “should”,
from seeing it as a negative word and turning it into a supportive tool, as a
flag point of support, reminding me to check and change my starting point if I
see necessary, as well as to allow myself to see that which I am reaching for,
the goal that I believe I should have reached, and to find practical ways to move
myself towards that goal, within braking through the perceived limitation that
is hiding behind the statement of “I should” as if to say “I should but I
can’t” thus to change it to “if I should be doing that, then I can do it, then
I will do it, let me find the way to get there”.
I see more points opening up within me in relation to this
point – thus I will continue on this point in my next post.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Before I'm about to participate in some form of human interaction, or even when I'm just at the stage of thinking about doing something, the back chat comes up and "takes over me", I start hearing this voice in my head or seeing images as scenarios, telling me and showing me what can go wrong and how uncomfortable I will feel, and in most cases I believe the voices and images as the truth, as a representative of a rational reality and thus, I will change my plans accordingly, to suit the hallucinations in my head.
I realize that the voice and images are not an actual reflection of any rational reality but only of my fears and insecurities, and I realize that each time that I allow myself to follow them and change my self expression to accommodate to my fears I am giving them more power over me and am thus giving my power away, and so I grow weaker and weaker with every though / voice / image that I believe and follow.
I wanted to go rock climbing but have no one to go with, so the images were of me in that big room, climbing by myself, alone, this image connected to a feeling of rejection and of not belonging, like if I go alone it would be a test of whether I can make friends or not, like if I were to stay alone for the entire time that would mean that I have failed and if I end up knowing some new people I have succeeded - writing it out now, the funny this is that there are so many advantages of doing things alone, but because I have attached a negative emotional and association to it I avoid it.
I've had some times in my life where I allowed myself to do things alone and I found that I am much more with myself when I am not busy with others as entertainment, and so, even though I have proven to myself many times that doing things alone is awesome I still have allowed myself to exist in fear towards it, within an idea that it will reflect my poor ability and skills of interacting with people.
Another point here is that within participating in this fear of being rejected by people because I believe I do not know how to interact with them, and thus my being alone is proof of my failure and inadequacy - I cause myself to feel so uncomfortable, like I'm being tested, because I am testing myself, and then I don't allow myself to simply be in the moment in breath, but I try too hard, try to achieve something, to get a smile, or some form of recognition, to prove to myself that the people around me are noticing me as a positive being and not ignoring me as I don't exist or matter.
Here, this brings up the point of requiring some form of external feedback to recognize myself, as I have separated myself from myself to such an extent that I can only see my existence and hereness through the recognition of others.
Oh man…
I see this and I am appalled at how I have allowed myself to live and exist, how we as society have accepted and allowed this behavior as a total dependency and complete disregard of self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the voices and the images in my head, and allow myself to follow them as the god of me without seeing and realizing that they are based only on fear and insecurity and not on common sense and the physical reality as what is really here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect emotions to words and thus fear living them, as I have separated myself from words that I fear and within accepting this fear towards the words such as the word alone as an example, I have allowed myself to avoid these words as avoid living them as myself and thus allowing myself to be directed by the thoughts and fear of this word, instead of seeing the word for what it is and living it as allowing myself to express myself without fearing this word
Alone, rejection, friendly, belonging, left out
These are some of the words that come to me as I'm writing, as words that I have attached positive and negative energies to and thus desire to experience some and fear experiencing the others - all these words represents ideas I have created about myself and about relationships, and about morality and what is good and bad. But non of that is true, and non of that is actually decided by myself, it has all been programmed into me by myself through my acceptance through learning from my society, and thus, reliving the same construct - nothing new under the sun
I realize that when back chat and images come up within me as a reflection of some fear, I have a responsibility and an opportunity to stop myself and breathe, and to then investigate the words that I have attached the values and energies to, and to allow myself to clear myself form the energetic attachment I have placed on the words and to then allow myself to redefine them within the principle of equality as what is best for all.
I commit myself to when thoughts and back chat about fear of being alone come up within me, I stop and breathe, I look at the point as the natural self expression that I am limiting myself from, and I allow my self to within letting go the fear of the word alone, to consider all points available to me and make a clear decision within self honesty, as to what to participate with and what not. Thus, not to "do everything that I fear" blindly, but not allow myself to shy away from my own self expression due to fear
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the fear of people that I have is not actually a fear of people but a fear of myself as the experience of alone and rejection and the experience of me being tested, these are all done by me alone within and as my participation with my mind, and thus, I forgive myself for not seeing and realizing that I do not fear people, but I fear my own reactions to my surroundings, and I have just beem blaming people on my reactions to them instead of taking full responsibility and seeing that it is not them, but it is me that is doing it to myself.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
There are little things that I need to get done, and the smaller and insignificant they are the bigger and intimidating the seem - so I need to remind myself to focus on breath and walk through the points one breath at a time, one point at a time - these are physical points and I have a tendency to place them in my mind and work at them in my mind, and become anxious and exhausted by working with them so much, when in fact I haven't yet done a thing in the physical reality - I have only spent time in my mind in thought and future projection.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into my mind as thoughts and future projections in regards to "the little things" that need to be done, instead of practically doing what needs to be done in the physical reality, one step at a time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into my mind in planning out how and what I will do and create scenarios of what will happen when doing the tasks that I need to do, and thus experience myself as if I have done so much until I reach a point of feeling exhausted even though I have not done anything really yet
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the experience of being exhausted by all the mind activity I have been participating with, instead of realizing that what I have done in my mind is not an actual physical doing and that in order to get things done I actually have to step out of my mind, stop my participation with it, and physically do what needs to be done in real space / time reality
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that by participating within my mind as going on and on about the things that need to be done instead of actually physically doing them, I am separating myself from these activities and thus, creating an idea within myself that these activities are separate than me and thus will be hard / difficult to achieve, not realizing that by separating myself from thee activities, through thinking about them instead of doing them, I am creating an un-necessary barrier between me and them, and making it harder for myself - while all along, if I were to simply do what needs to be done, and walk the physical time line in breath, I would just have to practically deal with anything that physically comes along and find the practical solutions
I forgive myself for not seeing, realizing and understanding that going to my mind and planning in my mind instead of writing the points down and actually acting on them in the physical, I am sabotaging myself as a point of self spite, as I am deliberately creating for myself a barrier and more difficulty instead of doing what is practical and supportive for me to do
I forgive myself for not see, realizing and understanding that by sabotaging myself through existing in my mind in planning and future projections, I am making sure that I fail, as to prove to myself that my self belief of inadequacy is accurate and justified - thus in fact by participating with my mind I am deliberately paving my way to certain failure, as to not let go of the self definition, self belief, religion of self as a loser / failure / inadequate - thus, within paving my own road towards failure I am making myself right and thus by sabotaging myself and failing myself I am giving myself the satisfaction of being right about who I am, as if proving to myself that my self belief it a fact, while it is in fact only self limiting and denying self of the opportunity of change and growth
When and as I see myself going into my mind in planning ahead my steps, I stop and breath, I realize that all these planning only accumulate to anxiety and exhaustion, if not being applied practically in the physical, and thus, I commit myself, when I see myself going into my mind in planning, to stop and breathe, to take a pen and paper and write the points down and priorities them and within this, I commit myself to practically move through the points in the physical reality, one breath at a time
When and as i see myself going into my mind in planning and becoming overwhelmed by all the "little things" that need to be done, I stop and breathe, I realize that going down this path is not productive and is in fact distractive and will create consequences as the points seem to grow bigger and bigger, and so, I state to myself who I am, I am here, I am walking these points in the physical reality, and I am facing any point that opens up in the physical, I take responsibility for my actions in the physical and I make sure that I research the points of application and do what is best in every situation - in this I commit myself to walk the points one by one, and ensure that I stand by each point in simply knowing what and why I am doing, and thus, I commit myself to making clear decisions within my movement in the physical, so that I am accountable and liable for all that I do in the physical. religion
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
I've been walking around this point for a long time, having the tools to support myself but not applying them, knowing exactly what I must do to help myself to step out of my own mind set of limitation and self despise, and support myself to walk here, with, as and for myself, in stability.
I've known these tools for years, and have been resisting applying them, thus resisting supporting myself, depriving myself of the support, it's like if I were a doctor and saw someone gasping for air and would deprive them of the support that I know I can give them and I can see how much they need - depriving self of the support self requires to stand up in stability it's self abuse, it's self hatred, it's self neglect - it's not acceptable and cannot be justified - and must be stopped.
Within myself I knew this all along, and thus, this knowing yet not applying, created inner conflict as knowing what I must do for myself and yet not doing it and so, instead of applying the tools of self support I have turned to self judgment and more self loathing as a form of punishment instead of simply becoming aware of myself not supporting myself and changing myself to live the self support I know I require - within this, I see that not supporting myself results in even greater problems, where, now, it's not just that I am depriving myself the support - in addition to depriving myself the support I am aware of what I'm doing and am hating myself for not supporting myself - so this one act of depriving myself the support I require and as a result judging myself for it, has a double impact of self abuse - and so, within not supporting myself I am playing straight into the mind's hands, as, by not supporting myself, I am creating more back chat, more judgment, and more energy thus increasing the problem that much more, instead of simply taking the physical actions of supporting myself to decrease the problem, and eventually to eliminate it. Which one must ask oneself - why am I not willing to do what is necessary to eliminate the problem? And the answer that follows is that one has not made a clear decision to change - and so, as long as I fear changing, as long as I fear losing myself more than what I actually have to lose by not changing - I will never change - and so, one must ask oneself, why do I fear changing? What have I got to lose? And the answer that follows is clearly nothing - I have nothing to lose but my self definition / belief / idea as who I am within the accepted limitation of who I am - which is such an odd thing, because that which I want to change within myself is that which I fear losing!?!?!?!?
So, what will it take for me to support myself? What must happen?
This point opened up today as I was faced with the physical reality of what would the consequences be if I do not start supporting myself, I experienced a breakdown over the smallest thing , and obviously, if I breakdown over the small stuff, one can only imagine how would I react to big problems / issues / decisions I may face - I experienced myself in such emotional instability that I couldn't decide the smallest decisions - so obviously I am not living as effectively as I can if I were to support myself to self realize, and stabilize myself - so I can see the level of instability I can easily reach over the little things, I can see the physical consequences of what's at stake and what I can lose, I can see the state of constant self disappointment for knowing I am not embracing myself, not supporting myself to become the best that I can be - I see all this, and I know I have the power and ability to give myself exactly what I need, to walk the process of self forgiveness to letting go of all of these self sabotaging patterns and rebirth myself as a being that is self supportive and trust worthy - so what am I waiting for?
So, here I am , starting over, committing myself to support myself or else - or else I will deem myself to feel miserable forever, deem myself to be unstable, deem myself to self judgment, deem myself to failure, deem myself to loneliness - I can either support myself to live here within breath in every moment, or I can kill myself a slow and painful death as I walk as the shadow of myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself daily, even though I knew within myself that this support is vital for my well being, and thus I have deliberately deprived myself of the required support I knew I needed
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deprive myself of self support as writing myself to freedom, applying self forgiveness and self corrective statements, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the consequences of depriving myself of such support, or actually, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse myself from supporting myself within playing the ignorant card, as within the excuse that I don't see , realize and understand the value of applying these tools, but in fact I do know the value, and that is why I have experience such inner conflict as I was trying to wake myself up to see that which I have been trying to ignore
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not push through the distractions as resistance to writing within the habit of having everything come easy, or not doing anything if it involves effort
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as someone that doesn't push through effort, and thus I have limited myself to only participate with that which is easy and not challenging, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how limiting this is and how I have deprived myself from expanding and growing within learning and pursuing new aspects that were not in my preprogrammed and automated path
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself and accept my own self created limitation, instead of allowing myself to see the value of pushing through and proving to myself that I am limitless and can in fact do anything and learn anything as long as I am willing to walk the physical steps in practical application
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create ideas about some things / chores / activities and define them as hard, and thus, to build up a resistance towards them, instead of simply walking in breath, the physical practical steps that are required to be walked to accomplish the specific point
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of fear towards such activities / responsibilities / chores, that I have not yet learned to do and thus within believing the idea I have in regards to them prevent myself from even trying to walk through them in fear - instead of letting go all ideas and simply walking the point practically in physical steps, within breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have lived like this al my life, and thus to have lost many opportunities I had because I feared pursuing them in believing an idea, instead of walking through life in breath, in physical reality, in finding solutions to any problems that come along instead of antisipating problems and within fear going the other way
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to walk here in breath, and thus, not trust myself to solve any problems that comes along, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to try to guess possible problems in anticipation and anxiety and thus to exist in my mind instead of here in reality where I can practically prepare myself to over come any obstacle.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic
Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage
I've been walking this process with desteni for a while now, and I recently noticed that I've been dong it all wrong… lol…
What I mean is that I have been taking on the information and seeing the truth in it as a philosophy, and I even appreciate the practical application and see the validity and common sense within it - but I have not actually taken the actual real step of applying it for and as myself and testing for and as myself to see if it is actually a valid practical solution, as suggested to write and self forgive and so on.
So, in this process you get to see that all that you though was good in the world is not really, and that all that I believed about myself is not in fact who I am - and without the application of self forgiveness what I have done is taken all this information on as another way to judge and abuse myself - like now I have validation that I am as bad a fuck up as I believe myself to be - all the other groups / religions / methodologies / spiritualities that I have been involved with always had a nice twist to it all, and so you could always end up thinking of yourself that you are ok and that everything will be ok - here with desteni you get the harsh truth, and the point is to understand the mechanics of it, to realize that even this fuck up that we have become does not define us, and to through actual practical application of self forgiveness and self investigation in self honesty into finding practical and livable solutions to change oneself into becoming a being of integrity - so, I got the point, I saw the harsh truth, and I used it against myself, instead of APPLYING SELF FORGIVENESS.
Without self forgiveness as a basic tool in this process of self change, as letting go of the "who I am" that you believe yourself to be, and instead recreating yourself, rebirthing yourself as life, into an actual living being, that is not automated by destructive and abusive robotic patterns, but that actually lives for and as life, all life, equally.
How have I abused myself with this process? (Let this be a warning for all of you that may do this to yourself - don't!!!)
As I said, I saw all the "bad" things in the world, nothing that I thought was good was real anymore - I saw love as self interest, I saw friendships as deceptive, I saw myself as acting and never actually living as myself, and my thoughts -I saw how evil they really were, so much manipulation and fear and spitefulness, and judgment - wow, so much judgment…
Anyway, without the act of forgiving myself for who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, without making a statement towards myself that I see who I have been and become and I direct myself to change myself into a being of self worth - without forgiveness there is no forgiveness, and then all there is, is seeing all this crap and bathing in it, judging myself for it, and going down a distractive spiral of self judgment - and doing so in the justification that I am walking process, preaching to anyone who will listen that I am walking a process of self change and sharing how this process is the best - when in fact all I have done with it is use it against me - it's interesting too, cause I have been getting feedback from my friends, from the very beginning of my walking, that I am being to hard on myself within this process, and I told myself that they just don't get it and just justified myself as being right, and everything I am doing is the right thing to do, I was on this high of "I found the path, you are all losers" - lol, but actually I was the loser, because I had found a path, I was convinced it was a worthy path to walk, yet instead of walking it for and as myself, I stood by it, watching other people going past it and judging them, or walking on it and comparing myself to them in inferiority asking myself "how are they moving so fast, and why am I not moving? What is wrong with me?" when I hadn't yet taken the step of making a clear decision of walking down this path, trusting myself within it - in this path, SELF FORGIVENESS is a necessary part of the path / process - I wanted to believe that it doesn't have to be, but 4 years later I am standing in the same, and other's that have been applying self forgiveness share their experience, and something is happening in their lives - they are changing. Can I say that about myself? I'm not so sure.
So if I were a scientist, my research shows, that walking next to process but not actually walking it for / as myself within actually applying the tools - has been found to be not effective - where as other people testify that walking the process for real, within an honest intention of self investigation and self change in self forgiveness - has been found to being very effective. So, as a scientist, I should now conduct a true experiment, to check for myself if this is true - if consistent application of self forgiveness within an honest intention of self investigation and self change, is actually effective.
I guess this is what my 21 days of self dedication is about - I am fed up with walking but not really walking this process - I have been on the farm for 8 months and it's fucking frustrating seeing myself not moving, not changing, not applying - the only thing is that everything is amplified here, so I see myself with more clarity - and it is not a lovely sight, as before, but with more clarity… and still, no self forgiveness means no self forgiveness - and what I require most is to forgive myself so I can start living with myself in peace, so I can start recreating myself and rebirthing myself as a life worth living.
This is way I state that I have misused the process, because I have taken something that could have been of great benefit for me, and instead of applying it, I have stood behind it and used it to justify my own continued self abuse / sabotage / judgment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to misuse the desteni process as a platform of self abuse disguised as self support, not realizing that I am only sabotaging myself by doing so, and that I am creating a relationship with the process as not being effective, but in fact I have never given it a valid chance, so to speak
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take al the "bad" realizations from what I've seen through the knowledge within the desteni process, and instead of walking it through a process of self forgiveness within realizing that only through forgiveness can I take responsibility for the point, as to let it go and change myself in relationship to it - I have seen the point and deliberately used it against me in self judgment / sabotage
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my self realizations against me, as armor of self judgment / abuse, within justifying myself through holding onto the past that I am fucked and will not change so no point of trying - instead of taking a breath, realizing that even these thoughts are not coming from myself but are a result of my constant participation within / as the mind
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk the process of self forgiveness effectively within fear / resistance towards change, as change would be a physical indication that I was in fact living a lie, and there is a point of ego as myself, as a point of "I want to be right" that is resisting change, as it would prove I was always ever wrong
I commit myself to walking this process slowly and gently, but within applying discipline as to actually walk in consistency, until I can say in self honesty that I have given it a shot, and actually see for myself the benefits or lack thereof - within this, when / if I see benefits form this application, I commit myself to support myself with this application and consistently supporting myself with it - I commit myself to become a being that supports oneself in self care and not continue allowing myself to sabotage/ abuse myself repeatedly
Ok - more tomorrow
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Friday, May 3, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic
I have a nasty tendency to be hard on myself, to judge myself and the situation into expecting the worse, I assume, and prepare myself for the worst - this is completely self destructive, I mean - nothing good can come out of it, it is totally based in fear and doesn't not allow myself to actually put my heart into anything because I am so worried of failure that I don't even try.
I have recently made a career decision, and in the past few days I have been training for this career, the training is intensive, there is a lot to learn, know and perfect, so "naturally" I very often go to the "I'm still not good enough" character, which it's actually funny now that I look at it, because it is true that I am still not good enough - is a common sense fact that one must practice and only with consistent application and with experience, will one come to perfect one's application, but I haven't been saying to myself "I'm still not good enough" from a starting point of self honesty and common sense, but rather from a starting point of only seeing the worst, looking for the points of imperfection while ignoring the progress, getting a form of rush from not being good enough, as it validates my existence as a no-good-failure…
And, seriously, I mean, this is very fucked up, it is obviously not self supportive, it is actually self abuse - if I would treat a child as I treat myself I would be taken away for child abuse - I must learn to parent myself, to be my own parent, to practice self discipline and push myself to do the work that needs to be done, but also to gently embrace myself in self acceptance, in common sense, in realizing that everything that I will ever learn will always be a process, there are no real McDonald's quick fix magic, and thus, there is no point to beat me up while I'm learning but rather to nurture myself in support and understanding. Man, why is it so hard to care for myself enough to unconditionally give myself the chance to learn, expand and develop? I've had enough of this shit!!! And here self doubt comes up again, reminding me that I've had enough before and have did nothing about it, so why is this time going to be any different? What can I say to that?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the past as memories to dictate who I am, instead of unconditionally letting go the past and allowing myself to direct myself here, in breath, in common sense and practicality, within self support as what is best for all life.
I realize that each time I allow myself to go down the rabbit's whole with this chain of thoughts as "why is this time going to be different" I am giving such thoughts power over me, as I am validating them through my participation, and so, I commit myself to stop myself in breath, if and when such thoughts come up, as thoughts that take the wind out of my sail so to speak, thoughts that are based in my past experience, trapping me to the past and depriving me the possibility of changing - and so, I commit myself to stop, and to as I have done just now, write out the point, expose my thoughts to myself so that I know what I am allowing myself to do / tell to myself. I realize that I have accumulated this character / personality over years, and that it will take years of stopping and forgiving to actually stop once and for all - and so, am I up for the challenge? Well, there is no other choice is there? I cannot un-know that which I know about myself, I cannot un-see that which I've seen, so I haven't really got an option, because it will always, always, always, come back to this, because there really is no where to run and hide, so there is no point trying, and trying to hide only makes things worse and only accumulates more shit to deal with.
Today, after a few days of training I have lost my voice - I see this as a physical manifestation of self sabotage, as an excuse to rest and take a break, and so, instead of taking a self directed brake, or on the contrary, instead of directing myself to push through the desire to rest and complete the task in constant self motivation, I have given myself a physical condition, another form of self victimization, using the body as an excuse to rest instead of being direct about it or directly pushing through it, either way, not being self honest with myself up to the point of manifesting a physical condition - I can also see this sudden loss of voice, as a justification for failure, as if proving to myself that even physically I don't have what it takes to succeed in the business. I can also see it as the expression of the fear of speaking up and being heard - but the bottom line is, no matter what the actual reason, it is based in self dishonesty in regards to fear, self inadequacy and self judgment - and I cannot stress this point enough - it's time to stop!!!
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the consequences my body is going through due to my participation in self sabotaging thoughts, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to scarifies my physical body, disregarding it completely, as I participate in fear, and self sabotaging instead of supporting myself here, as the physical as what is actually here as life
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that every moment spent in the mind as thoughts / back chat / emotions / fears / excitements, is a moment not spent here, within and as my physical body, and thus, is a moment spent in separation of / from myself, and thus, of / from reality
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the direct connection between my participation within / as the mind and the physical body suffering
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the consequences my physical body as myself, go through due to my addiction to the mind's patterns and energy, while using the excuse that I don't see / experience my direct responsibility to pain and suffering of my physical body, and thus to allow myself to continue within / as my mind, but in fact it is deliberate self deception, because regardless of what I don't see directly, I do see directly other forms of abuse and suffering cause by my participation within / as my mind, and I have yet to stop - so at least I should be self honest with myself and not pretend that I don't see the pain, because I do - it is all the same in all levels / dimension, and so, if my participation within / as the mind cause pain / suffering on any level, it causes pain / suffering in all levels - and it fucking does!!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to myself into believing that I would do something if I saw the pain, because I am a caring being and couldn't stand the sight / knowledge of suffering, but the fact is that all I have ever lived for has been self interest, and not actual care, and so, I forgive myself for judging myself for that, and therefore lying to myself, and instead I commit myself to developing self care within equality and oneness, and what is best for all life, and so to learn to care not only for myself in self interest, but for all as equals - and to become a being of self honor
It's interesting because I can see all scenarios, and I see how I am the only one responsible for the outcome - thus, I see, realize and understand that if I succeed of fail is completely up to me, I know this to be true, and within this, I know and can further more investigate, what are the points where I can set myself up for a fall, where are the points that will be a challenge and where there will be a point of decision - will I allow myself to push through and succeed, or will I accept my failure without even trying to push through such a predictable point / challenge…
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prepare the way before me towards failure
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself with not applying myself as effectively as I know I can, and then to judge myself for not applying myself as best as I can enhancing the experience of being a failure - not realizing how it is all directly created by myself, within my participation with these useless and destructive thoughts.
I forgive myself for judging myself for losing my voice, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to consider that my voice requires rest, and not to place value and more back chat over it, but simply allow my voice to rest and restore itself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go to self sabotage, self judgment, negativity and pessimism, as fast as an instinct, instead of allowing myself to slow myself down, and to breathe, and to not follow such thoughts patterns, like a lifeless puppet, but to allow myself to become the directive principle of my life, and actually direct myself into stability, and not allow myself to go into that evil state of self abuse - till here no further - that's enough!!
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Thursday, May 2, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
I've realized today, once again, that my life is like being stuck on a marry-go-round, where I go up and down and there is somewhat of an experience that things are happening, but I am actually doing the same thing, living out the same patterns, the same characters over and over and over… existing within an illusion that I am living, not even realizing that I have been on the same ride going round and round… I know there is life beyond this ride, and I know I have the power to get off the ride and start living, but I guess it's easier said then done - only through actual self investigation in self honesty will I be able to set myself free, I must ask myself the most intimate, hardest questions within the starting point of actually wanting to sort myself out, and to answer myself in harsh self honesty - I must also realize what questions I must ask myself? And not accept the automated "but I don't know" as an answer.
Since I became aware of the desteni process I've become aware of such points - that we are all accepting ourselves as patterns of the mind and not actually living as self expression as who we are, that we have all lost ourselves to such an extent that we do not know why we do what we do, we do not even know what we are feeling let alone what was the process of creation as we created these feelings within / as ourselves, as we were an active part of creating them, every step of the way, yet, conveniently we have allowed ourselves to forget the process and trap ourselves in the realm of consequence, thus existing as the victim of reality instead of realizing ourselves as the creation - whereas the victim is powerless and cannot do much to change while the creator has all the power to change everything yet requires the intention to do so - it's been 4 years now, that I know this, and even though I know this to be true, and am frustrated by it, I have not yet moved myself to do anything about it, I prefer believing myself as the helpless victim rather than taking self responsibility and living as the creator - because living as the creator has one of two options - to face myself as a creator that doesn’t care about anything, and live with myself as such, or get off my ass and take responsibility for my creation, and correct / change / perfect myself to be a creation that I proudly stand by - when thinking about why the hell am I not doing everything in my power to prefect myself, to change myself into becoming a being of self worth as I know that by changing myself I can become, the only answer I come up with is that I really don't care enough about myself, nor life, nor anyone really nor anything - up until now I obviously did care about anything in life, because if I would have, wouldn't I get my ass into gear by now, and do something about this fuck up of a life?
This isn't easy to admit, who wants to admit that they don't care about themselves, nor anything and anyone in their world?... All I really ever cared about is surviving, and since I was born into a financially comfortable situation, the only survival I had to consider was social survival - which if investigated a bit, I always experienced myself within social fear and sense of exclusion in everything I did, so I surrounded myself with many friends, from kindergarten age, some friends I liked more than others, some I used just for the company, but I would have never admitted to it - it's like all friendship was, was a joining of two lonely people that if they were together they wouldn't have to face the fact that they are living in a state of constant loneliness and a sense of exclusion - and then, after some time of practicing this social thing, the loneliness was suppressed and forgotten and was replaced with a plastic sense of belonging, only to came back up and rear it's head as fear, whenever events could be interpreted as a social problem, if they implied that something may change and the experience of loneliness / exclusion / rejection may return.
It wasn't all like that, as a very young child there was a point of pure enjoyment, like an actual physical enjoyment, playing together and laughing, but here, I am more referring to the time where "politics" / self interest / manipulation came into friendships, when it wasn't about the "just being here and enjoying ourselves and each other" but when it became, you know, girly and gossipy, proving to each other our friendship with gestures of loyalty, usually at someone's expense, and so on… when it became something you need to maintain and work on and not just enjoy.
Anyway, infesting this is coming up now, I am leaving the farm soon and I haven't addressed this point effectively in writing, I actually haven’t really addressed any point effectively in writing, I have just hardly scraped the surface, which is the main point of not committing myself and just letting myself go through the same shit over and over instead of dedicating myself to myself to sort myself out - always back to the same point.
So, here I am , in a process of learning to support myself, ashamed of myself for taking so long to get off my ass to make the first step in caring for myself, in trying to change myself and become a person that I want to care for, that I honor and respect, and doubting whether I can even make it and change myself - though, this self doubt is also just one of those characters on my marry-go-round, a character that I have allowed to direct me and infiltrate almost everything I do - self doubt is a tricky bastard, because it presents itself as naïve and innocent - "I am not saying that I can't do it, I just doubt that I can", like preparing the way of failure indirectly, "just in case I fall, let me make sure there is a safety net" - not realizing that instead of focusing on that which I am doing I am placing my attention on failure, and preparing my fall, thus distracting myself and actually sabotaging myself.
When I'm asked how I am doing, I answer with like a form of apology, allowing room to this self doubt character to sneak in, as if I cannot afford to say that "I'm working on it, it's going well, and I am improving, I will continue working on it until I am satisfied" - instead I will say something like "ya, it's ok, getting better, but there is still a long way to go, I'm moving very slow, and it's not as good as I would want it to be by now, but it's improving, so it's ok" - expressing and emphasizing the half empty cup, rather then simply saying it as it is, god forbid I let go this experience of inadequacy and actually take charge of myself and move into the "right" direction, the "right" direction being that which I choose it to be in self honesty.
Only now I see this, lol, I am a pessimistic… I expect the worst I anticipate the worst and I prepare for the worst, that is why I live and exist in constant fear… keeping expectations low, because what if I actually believe in myself and dedicate myself to a point, and actually invest myself in something - and fail - what will happen to me then? Well, the way I am acting it seems like I would die and dissipate into a million non existing pieces of nothing - but reality isn't so dramatic, I think - and so, I have been living as a pessimistic, not realizing that I am creating myself and my world according to who I allow myself to be, as my reality will only reflect me back to myself, and so, it isn't about changing the reality to be good and nice and then to prove my pessimism wrong, which is what I have been trying to do, as I have gone to the positive / feel good / optimistic fantasy land, which is as far from reality as being pessimistic, probably ever farther… it is, as always, about changing myself, as who I am in my relationship to myself, my world and my reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a pessimistic, within believing that I will not be disappointed if I prepare myself to fall, not realizing that by preparing myself to fall I am actually sabotaging myself and manifesting the failure instead of being here in breath and walking practically towards the point I have seen as fit to walk, and dedicating myself practically and fearlessly.
When and as I see myself expressing myself in pessimism, I stop myself and breathe, I direct myself to slow myself down, and evaluate what am I about to say, making sure that I am not participating in the pessimistic character as a means to prepare myself for a fall, and in doing so accepting a fall as inevitable - within this, I commit myself to when and as I see that my tonality or choice of words are pessimistic I stop and breathe and speak in simplistically and clarity, making sure that what I am saying is not contaminated with judgment or fear, but is a reflection of the physical reality as it is.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself pessimistically I stop myself and breathe, I direct myself to speak in stability and express what is actually here, without expectation and fear of failure.
I forgive myself for participating in the polarity of pessimism as seeing the worst and then to cover it up with a fake optimism, not realizing that investigating the point of pessimism allows me insight into myself as it exposes my fears - and so, when and as I see myself expressing / experiencing myself as pessimistic, I stop myself and breathe, and realize this I a gift of self realization if I only see it as such, and not allow myself to suppress it with either fear of positivity but to allow myself to through the pessimism, see reality and myself as is, not more nor less, not better nor worse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more comfortable within expressing myself in self judgment, not realizing that I am harming myself as I am constantly doing so, as what starts with self judgment as a means to remain pessimistic, as to make sure there is something wrong with the picture, ends as an actual self expression as self judgment had become the expression of self, due to my acceptance and participation within it. And so, I commit myself to slow myself down in breath and become more aware and notice my self expression as self judgment, and to stop myself with breath, to come to a halt, when I see myself judging myself for the sake of being negative.
FYI - one of my difficulties in this process, is that every point that opens up is huge, and takes many writings to go through - see here, the self doubt coming up "I can't do it, it's too much for me" - I breathe, and do not allow this chain of thought - and practically, I have proven to myself that consistency is the secret of accumulation, and accumulation is the secret of process - and so, even though a point seems huge, I know that if I take it on bit by bit by bit, I will cover it - and walking one step at a time, is always possible - so I know that all these useless thoughts of "ho shit, this is big" are just distracting / sabotaging me from walking this and any other point - no more - I must do this - and here I am, doing it - one step at a time.
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Saturday, April 27, 2013
This is a continuation of my previous blogs: 
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
Day 177 - Not Pushing Myself
Day 178 - I can only start Walking from Here
Day 179 – I want to but I don’t want to
Day 180 – Building a Bridge
Day 181 – Self Belief “I am not Dedicated”
Day 182 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self forgiveness
Day 183 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self Commitments
Day 184 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Further Investigation
Day 185 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Waking Myself Up
And specifically a direct follow up to my previous blogs
Day 186 – Self Belief – “I’m not a Hard Worker”
Day 187 – Self Belief – “I’m not a Hard Worker” – Part 2
Day 188 – “I’m not a Hard Worker” – Part 3 - Self Forgiveness
if you haven’t already, please read them for further context.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not and incapable of being a hard worker within defining it specifically as physical labor, within a deliberate attempt to separate myself from the term of being a hard worker as a form of self sabotage and within this to justify the separation within associating being a hard worker to inferiority as related only to blue collar jobs thus allowing myself to overlook the physical and practical values of being a hard worker
Seeing this now I realize I must redefine being a hard worker in such a way that I can live as the expression of / as myself, to stop existing in separation from the term and thus to stop sabotaging myself through living out the expression of not being a hard worker, to then as a result feel bad and inadequate for living out the belief of not being able and capable to be a hard worker – I see, realize and understand that as long as I allow myself to exist in separation from / as the term as being a hard worker, I will not allow myself to experience myself as self worth, because I have been giving value to being a hard worker but am not allowing myself to live it as the expression of myself, and thus deny myself the opportunity of being one with the expression of the value I have given being a hard worker, within this, I see realize and understand that to ease the sense of inadequacy within aligning myself within and as the social construct, I have allowed myself to separate myself further from being a hard worker through judging those who do hard physical labor as inferior socially, within this, creating a situation for myself that I have no interest of changing, because within this judgment it is ok for me to not be a hard worker, and by doing so I am placing myself as superior socially – not allowing myself to see the absurdity of experiencing myself superior by not doing / applying a physical and practical action that is essential for the survival and existence of humanity in this physical reality.
When sounding the words “hard worker”, what stands out is “Heart worker” as putting my heart into what I am doing, into the work I am participating with – it’s really interesting that this should come up because in a way it sums up the effective and supportive aspects of being a hard worker, and removes the judgment and separation.
Putting my heart into the work I do would refer to being here, breathing, being in and one with the physical as the physical action and application I am busy with –within that, in no way being in the mind as not allowing self to participate in back chat, judgment, manipulation, or any form of energetic mind component – living the expression of being a hard worker, as a heart worker, to simply do what needs to be done within the specific task / job at hand - putting my heart into what I am doing, totally putting myself in what I am doing, being one with what I do.
I have never really taken a moment to look at the function of the heart and see how can I learn from it, as to learn from the heart’s expression to apply such expression as myself, within this, in relation to the point of being a hard worker, as a heart worker, as putting ones heart into whatever it is one does – in looking at the heart what I see is that the heart functions in the physical, as it is the physical engine of the physical body, and thus is responsible not only for itself but for the entire body, it consistently works beat by beat, as a physical rhythm, and it must be here in every moment, doing it’s job, nothing more and nothing less, in order to support the entire body with nutrients and oxygen. The heart does not see itself superior or inferior to the task it is doing as pumping blood around the body, and if it would create inner conflict or go into self interest, the entire body will suffer the consequences…
Thus, living the expression of a hard worker, as a heart worker is to be humble, and to do what needs to be done within the best interest of all, it is to stop the mind and not allow any judgments, justifications, excuses, beliefs or back chat to exist and direct self within doing the task / job - doing so within realizing that if one is busy in one’s mind, one cannot be busy doing one’s responsibility in the best possible way, and the consequences of one’s actions will affect all, and not only self, because of the interconnectedness of it all.
Within redefining “heard worker” as doing a task and putting myself / my heart into it, and not allowing myself to fall into the traps of the mind, as back chat, judgments, justifications, excuses, manipulation ext. I can see that it is a matter of decision, and not a predetermined personality trait that I can do nothing about, that I am separate from – this is a decision, to be here with what I am doing, to be responsible for what I am busy with and do it completely.
Anyone can do this, but within this I realize that I have lived all my life avoiding this point, creating and living according to resistance and so I realize I have created this as a pattern and to change myself within it I must push myself through the resistance that up until now I have allowed to direct me.
So, when and as I see myself applying myself half hearted, as not putting myself into it, and instead being in my mind, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to the physical in breath, I restate to myself who I am: “I am here, I take responsibility to do this task, and I stand by my responsibility” and then, I breathe in stability to make sure I stop my thoughts / back chat / mind, and do the task.
When and as the thought / self belief that I am not and incapable of being a hard worker come up, I stop myself and breathe, I do not allow myself to entertain such thoughts / self beliefs as I have seen and realized that they are self sabotaging by nature and have no physical ground, thus, I realize that by participating with them I give them power over me, while by not participating within them, they will dissipate into thin air, and I will remain here, as directive principle. And so, I commit myself to stop myself in breath from participating in any thoughts or self beliefs in the nature of believing myself to not being a hard worker, instead I restate to myself that I am here, and being a hard worker is a matter of decision that anyone can make at any moment, and within this I make the decision in that very moment as to what would be best for all as self support, and I apply it effectively
When and as I experience resistance to continue a task, I stop and breathe, I slow myself down, I remind myself the reward of application is a natural sense of worth, and so, I remind myself the value of applying myself here in the physical, as it is what is best for me, and within supporting myself, is actually best for all.
I realize that in order to live the expression of self worth in every breath I must start living as self worth, to fake it till I make it, and thus, to put my heart into that which I have decided to do is an application of self worth within living the expression of equality as I am equal to the task I am doing, within this, I see that by not putting my heart / myself in what I am doing I am stating to myself that I am not worthy of the task as I am not applying it within equality, and thus, but not being totally in what I am doing, I am a living the expression of unworthiness and so become it, and so it is obvious that ot would be much more supportive for myself to actually walk through the resistance and back chat, to stop my participation within / as the mind, and become a heart worker, as I teach myself to slowly but surely do everything is do as the totality of myself, as I put myself / my heart into it, and just do it.
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