Day 52 - Blame character - Part 2 - Reacting to Tonality - Self Forgiveness

Continuing from my previous blog: Day 51 – Blame character – Part 1

Here I will walk the point, within the blame character, of reacting to the another person's tonality within believing I am being attacked by them through how they express themselves to me

I have noticed that I have the perception of being attacked through the tonality in another's voice where I perceive them to be criticizing me, impatient with me and an authority over me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to interpret a tonality within someone's expression as an attack, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can be attacked with words, not realizing that words have no direct physical influence unless I accept and allow myself to react to them within myself, within/as my mind, and only through my acceptance/participation I let them have an actual physical influence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself that I am being attacked when being spoken to in a specific tonality due to past experiences/memories/interpretations, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within/as the past as not being here within breath, not being the directive principle because I am allowing tonality to dictate how I react/behave, instead of directing myself within as breath, within the physical practical reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define some people as authoritative according to the tonality of their voice, as when they speak with a stable sounding voice, when they sound sure of themselves, and express themselves within confidence of what they are saying, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as less than “authority”, from a perspective of not being confident in what I say, not being sure of myself, and thus if someone else is confident they must know, and I don't, so they are authority and I am less. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define someone as more than me, as an authority, due to the tonality of their voice, and within that create a whole personality in relation to them as being less than them, and thus allowing myself to go into inferiority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a specific tonality that I interpret at attacking when the other's voice is expressed in a harsh, cut off, sharp edges way, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an idea in my mind that being spoken to in a harsh, cut off, sharp edges way is defined as being attacked and I haven't allowed myself to consider within this idea the other being, within considering that wither they are intending to attack or not, is based on mind made ideas within their mind, and thus within reacting to tonality as believing a harsh, cut off, sharp edges tonality is indication of attack I am in fact validating the mind and abdicating my free choice as a living being to breathe and be here within/as the moment and simply hear what is being said, and within that, not allowing myself to respond within common sense practicality taking into consideration life as a whole within considering both/all beings that are participating in the situation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself react to the tonality of someone's voice when speaking my name, where I interpret the sound/tonality of my name as a preparation for an attack if it is spoken in a specific way, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to what someone is saying to me before they even say anything and just called out my name, because I interpret the way they call my name as a preparation for being attacked by them, within this I forgive myself for accepting within/as myself the idea of being attacked and thus before the being even speaks I am already in defense mode creating back chat in my mind and building up energy within myself to have armor against the attack, all based on the tonality of how they say my name, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that within anticipating the idea of being attacked I am already within myself creating the situation of being attacked, and thus the other being when communicating with me will "feel the vibe" and will in turn attack me because I sent off a signal that I am prepared for it, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the other for attacking me when in fact I have in a way requested it through my anticipation of being attacked

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to interpret someone's tonality as being impatient, and to thus go into reaction within fear of having someone express impatient towards me, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear/resist having someone respond to me within impatience because I have allowed myself to define myself accordingly within the belief system I have placed on my definition of impatience, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when someone is impatient with me to take it personally and believe it defines me as slow/boring/stupid/a nuisance/a disturbance, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within believing myself to be slow/stupid/boring… within believing the other has responded to me within impatience, to react within fear of being rejected, because I have created a net of beliefs within/as me and I have believed them to define me and the world we live in as reality, and within the beliefs I have created within/as myself I have allowed myself to judge myself and others for being slow/boring/a nuisance… and to define that as bad and unacceptable and thus to reject myself and others within presenting those characters, thus i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when I interpret someone as being impatient towards me through the interpretation i have giving the tonality of their voice, I react within fear of being rejected

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when interpreting people's expression as being impatient with me and/or criticizing me through their tonality of their words, to then interpret that as if I am being attacked within accepting a set of beliefs/ideas/opinions that I have created within/as myself, as how I see the world and how I have concluded that people should be/behave, and thus when I perceive people to be impatient towards me, I conclude that I am being/acting/behaving within the forbidden/unacceptable behaviors as defined through the set of beliefs/ideas I have accepted to be real, and within that, their criticism must be a consequence of who I am as I how have behaved within that which is unacceptable, and thus it must be a sign for soon being rejected. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as fear of being rejected due to believing that I must be accepted by others to live, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself as my self-expression in order to fit in and to please others as doing what it takes to be accepted, because I have allowed myself to believe that only within being accepted by other will I be able to survive, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to firstly accept myself and to realize that within actual self acceptance I can start building self intimacy, and within self acceptance/intimacy to not require others to validate me, as I am here as breath, as self, as life.

 

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Day 32 - War and Self Interest

This morning I had an interesting experience during  our morning conversation where we talked about the possibility of there being a big nuclear war. Looking at the history it's easy to see that every time there was an economic crises in the world economy, it has been "solved" through bringing about a big war, to distract the people, to create jobs, to destroy and then to build…. I don't understand how war creates money, but apparently it does. Obviously not all benefit from the money made at war, and many people will suffer and die, but nevertheless, it's the capitalistic way.

During our talk I had a "scary thought" about nuclear war in Israel (where I come from), and I was flushed by a sadness of seeing in my mind a quick image of everything and everybody being totally burned to the ground and completely wiped out, the next thought was about the suffering and death of my family and friends, and the next one was about the loss I would experience when they've all gone and I will be left an orphan within no friends/family/country, all alone.

So I'm sitting there, feeling sad and sorry for those I care about dying in a horrible/painful death, when I then realized the self-interest/deception within it all, is ones death more painful than another's? Am I sad for my loss or for their death? Am I sad for them dying or for their pain and suffering?

It suddenly hit me that people are actually dying as I am writing this blog, people are starving, people are being raped, sold as sex slaves… and there is a war going on all the time, people are being shot every day…. And I am sitting here feeling sad and sorry for the idea of my loved ones dying when actual real live people are dying in pain and suffering all the time and I don't care.

The conversation was very emotional to me, first the point of fear of loss and pain/suffering of my loved ones, and then the realization of all the suffering that is going on at the very moment, to other people, that I don't know, but they are alive and suffering and I don't fucking care. So I was faced in disbelief to my disregard of life, to my indifference to the cruelty that I am allowing as this system to go on undisturbed, while I worry about a war that hasn’t started that will perhaps hurt people I know.

I'm not sure I'm getting the point across, I know it's natural to care for those that we love, but does that mean it's ok not to care for those we don't know? Is it acceptable that people/animals are suffering while it can be prevented, but we are just allowing it because it's not our loved ones…. What the fuck!!!

As I said, I am Israeli, so we mention the memory of the holocaust every year. One major point that is brought up is how the world sat around and did nothing while so many people were slaughtered. And I ask you now, how can we sit around and do nothing while so many are being tortured by the system and do nothing??????? How can we accept all the suffering that is created by our fellow human beings and sit back and allow it. We are participating through our allowance; we are responsible through our allowance. And we must pay the consequences through our allowance. We can try to hide our responsibility behind the fact that we are not directly hurting anybody, but looking within self-honesty – is that really true? Are we not hurting ourselves as the expression of life by not standing up as what is best for all within equality and stopping the horror show that we have allowed to go on?

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience fear towards nuclear war

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear there being a nuclear war in Israel, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into energetic reaction of fear/sadness/distress

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine the image of a nuclear war in Israel and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react emotionally to the image presentation I have created in my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my friends/family in a nuclear war and to remain all alone in the world, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place more value on my "loved ones" than on other beings just because I am 'connected' to them, not taking into consideration other people's pain/suffering just because I don't know them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be saddened by the idea of losing everybody in war because I fear being left alone, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually consider the pain/suffering of the people but only see my own suffering within self-interest within not wanting to be left alone

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the actual abuse/pain/suffering being will be going through if a war does break through and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to inly consider myself within self-interest not taking into account anything and anyone as nature/animals/people that will be harmed by a way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself of being a  good/nice/caring person when in fact I am no better than any abuser that acts within self-interest because I have allowed myself to exist within/as sell-interest as who I have allowed myself to become, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as a good/caring character because it is socially more accepted in the society I come from, and thus to hide the hidden manipulations that I have allowed  to be the force of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to even in the face of war/murder/painful death to choose my own self-interest as worrying about how I will be left alone within family/friends and not consider the bigger picture of all the suffering of earth/nature/animals/humans as result of war

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value one death over another

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that all men are created equally and thus all pain/suffering/death is equal to all people, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value the death/suffering of those I know, placing their lives as more valuable than other people's lives, within that actually implying that I value my life more than anyone's life because the only reason I have cared for those is because of self-interest, because I don't prefer to be left alone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer people dye in war within a starting point of resistance to have to face their suffering, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the world only from the narrow eyes of self interest instead of allowing myself to expand and be one with all life, within taking everything into consideration within realizing I am one and equal to all in existence and thus all is me as one and equal, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize myself as one and equal but instead to remain closed off in my mind as self-interest induced by fear/justifications/characters, anything to keep me trapped and not to realize myself as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately stay trapped within/as my mind because of self-interest of not wanting to take self-responsibility because I want to in fact be on top at the expense of other, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to go of the ideas of the mind to be able to free myself from the self-created/enforced prison I have been existing as, not actually living, not actually supporting myself as life, but only pretending to be alive and care about life, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually care about life as all as one as equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in separation to such a extent that people are dying within suffering/pain/abuse all around me and I do not care/do anything to stop it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to occupy myself within/as the mind and within/as self-interest activities to distract myself from actually seeing all the pain/abuse/suffering in the world because if I would in fact see it I could ignore it within the excuse of ignorance anymore

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard life as one and equal to/as myself

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I disregard life I am in fact disregarding myself as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse of ignorance to ignore life, through distracting me with my preoccupations, doing anything but allowing myself to see the actual brutal/abusive reality of existence that I have been creating and participating within/as, only to hide from myself the participation because it is too hard to admit and to look at, and thus to blame others for creating all the suffering while I have done nothing to stop it

Self Commitment 

I commit myself to stop myself within as breath when I become emotional about pain/suffering of loved ones, because I have realized the deception within caring/valuing ones death over anothers, within that I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when reacting emotionally because I realize it is energizing/feeding the mind and is of  no practical physical support to the situation and thus to self  

I commit myself to open my eyes as to the abuse/pain going on around me and to realize within/through self-investigation my participation within/as all of it, I commit to stop hiding from myself the pain/abuse within justifications/excuses as if I had nothing to do with it because I realize that I am participating with every aspect of existence in every breath I take within the principle of equality and within not doing a thing to change it

I commit myself to building self-respect through committing myself to walking a daily process as I understand that the only point I am actually able to change is self, and thus I commit myself to change myself through writing/self-forgiveness/self-honesty/corrective statement, because I realize that is the tools I have to change myself into a being that respect life as one and equal, as I've realized that only through/as equality/oneness can this world be corrected and actually enjoyable

I commit myself to walking a daily process to change myself because I realize that if I can change anyone can change, and along as I don't change and don't stop the abusive/disregarding behavior I have accepted as myself, nothing is going to change

I commit myself to look at myself within/as self-honesty, to take responsibility for who I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become and to change myself in alignment within the principle of equality to never again allow abuse/war/suffering within myself and existence as myself