Showing posts with label beliefs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label beliefs. Show all posts
Friday, July 5, 2013
I've noticed that most people that I talk to about my process go into a form of defense and I was looking at it today as it happened again - I couldn't understand why all my friends and relatives say that they respect me but then when I show them the common sense of the desteni material they don't really go and investigate or ask me for some links or how to get started, they all have created an idea about desteni through one video that they saw and didn't like, and even though I'm not as pushy as I used to be, still people are rejecting, resisting and objecting what I say - today I was talking with my aunt, now, she has always been the person in my life that was working on herself, searching for the truth of reality, questioning authority, and so on, and I'm sure that part of the reason I could hear the desteni message is due to what I've learnt from her as a role model at an earlier age - and now I feel like I want to repay the favor in a way, I know that she will benefit so much if she were to walk this process, I feel responsible to show her the way, and support her through the transition if she chooses to take it - as of yet, she is not budging.
So today, as we were walking I questioned myself and my approach and my communication in regards to the desteni point and I realized that I have not been sharing my experience, I have always only shared information, and so what happens is that we end up having an argument, like a power game in regards to the information that we are sharing, each standing by their own "side", and I mean, why should they believe what I am saying about how things are, they know things are otherwise, so it goes back and forth and has no end, because we are talking about information…..
I know this is pretty basic, and I think I've actually seen this point before, but here I am, back at square one, realizing the same point over again, and maybe now I will actually learn from myself and apply myself differently to get different results that actually serve me and those around me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel responsible towards others process from the perspective of it being my responsibility to expose them to the information so that they can make an informed decision as to walk the process to support themselves, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that my eagerness to have others join and walk the process is a projection of actually wanting myself to walk the process, as if in a way if I "get someone in" it would compensate not walking effectively myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live as an example, and within seeing the responsibility I have of sharing these tools and process of self support, and within realizing time and time again that sharing information is not the key, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take self responsibility and actually apply myself in such a way that I can stand stable and proud within myself knowing that I am practicing first and speaking later, thus sharing my experience and self realizations rather than another belief system as another religion.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that each friend / relative that have been resisting / rejecting me and the information I expose them to, has been doing me a favor from the perspective of showing me that I am talking about information rather than actually speaking and being the living word, and thus, I forgive myself for accepting ad allowing myself to react towards my friends / family in anger and frustration when I couldn't get my point across, while missing the actual point of speaking from and as myself, and thus speaking as the living word as words I have actually lived and am living, not as an ideal but as an actual way of life.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that by speaking and sharing information I am leading us towards an argument of ego as both sides want to be right, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to share information about desteni within the starting point of wanting to be right and wanting to show them and prove to them that my way is the right way, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want them to join and participate with desteni within a self interest starting point, as I want the "points" as recognition of bringing someone in the group, as well as wanting someone from my life that is walking the process as well as if to receive by than an external approval for what I'm doing
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that even though I present myself as wanting others to join desteni and walk their process for their own benefit, I am actually doing it from a self interest starting point, and the clear indication of that is my reaction within the situation, I realize that when I am clear from this starting point and am actually sharing within a supportive starting point, I could then just share that which I can, and expect nothing as a result, and thus experience no energy - in other words, the energetic experience is showing me that I am not clear within my starting point and that I am in fact acting within hidden self interest
When and as I speak about and share my process and see myself going into an energetic experience as frustration / wanting to be right / argumentative / insisting I stop myself and breathe, I realize that I'm doing so within a starting point of self interest and am speaking for my own ego and benefit, within this I realize that I cannot support another from a self interest starting point and thus I stop and breathe, I stop the "I want to be right" desire starting point within me, and communicate about the point only from stability, again, within realizing that I am not supporting anyone by doing so from a self interest starting point
I realize that only by living as an example can I ever really support others to change themselves, and thus I realize that being a living example of the principles of equality as what is best for all, means that I must start with myself through actually supporting myself daily with the tools of writing and self forgiveness and breath, as I get to know who I am as who I have allowed myself to become and change myself as I learn to better support myself to become an effective human being in this world, thus, when and as I see myself not speaking from my personal experience but instead speaking from a starting point of knowledge as an idea / belief, I stop myself and breathe, I prefer to be silent as I work to change and perfect myself first , and only when I can share my experience in a supportive manner do I speak about it, thus, not allowing myself to just speak for the sake of speaking but to be aware of the power and influence that my words have, and use them with awareness and care.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
This is a continuation from my previous blogs:
Day 129 – Self Judgment – Part 1
Day 130 - Self judgment - Part 2 – Appearance
Day 131 - Self judgment - Part 3 – Appearance - Part 2
Day 132 - Self judgment - Part 4 - Appearance - Part 3
The two main beliefs I see within the system design of self judgment in regards to appearance is that, 1) I believe appearance is valuable, as being pretty and looking good is a value, it makes you more, superior, it’s a point in your favor, 2) the other belief is that I'm not that, I'm not pretty, thus, I lack that value of being pretty as I have defined pretty in my mind and have given it value in my mind and then judged myself for lacking it in my mind.
How did I do this?
The memories go back to childhood, it's hard to pin point when it actually started, but what comes to mind is my relationship with my sister, how I saw her and in comparison how I saw myself. When we were growing up, and basically through out my entire life, I always knew within myself that my sister is "the pretty one", I always knew she was prettier than me - I remember my friends seeing her and saying to me how beautiful my sister is, this happened many times. I realize though, that these memories are not the source because I remember that I already had the experience as reaction within myself when they would say it, as I already have heard it before, I had already known this and them saying it was another confirmation of the truth I had already believed to be true, thus I have already have created the construct / belief and the energetic reaction to it. While growing up I never related being beautiful to myself, I always felt like I wasn't, I always connected beauty to my sister, I justified it with the comments I got from those around, as they would tell me how pretty my sister is, it was a simple conclusion - if I was pretty, would someone had told me as well? But no one did, or if they did I didn't believe it, and paid my attention on how pretty my sister was, as everybody always seemed surprised and expressed how beautiful she is.
This reminds me of an Israeli song "why didn't you tell me that your sister is prettier" I always experienced an inner pinch when I heard the song, I thought that all the guys in my life must have though it to themselves, that they got the less pretty sister, and had they'd known they would have chosen the other sister. I see within this that I was actually threatened by her beauty, like I will lose people / friends / lovers to her, like they will know her and will want to trade up. This created a construct of competition within me towards her, and towards any woman later on in my life that I defined as prettier than me, I couldn't simply be, I would be alert and try to prove myself, try to get some points to compensate on the lack of the valuable beauty I believed I had, within believing how important having it is.
This still doesn't explain how it all started…
In earlier years, I don't remember any comments from my family about her being prettier, but what I do remember is that I never knew how to smile in pictures, my mom used to take many pictures of us and I always had a fake, uncomfortable and exaggerated smile, my sister on the other hand would always look so pretty, like she was actually smiling her real smile. In those years , as I was growing up, I developed an interesting relationship to being photographed, because I had gone to the extreme of making a big and exaggerated smile that looked funny and unreal, like I was making a funny face intentionally, but I wasn't, I was trying to smile to the camera. I was camera shay and didn't know how to be in front of it, I didn't know how to smile a real smile and just look and be natural when the camera was pointed at me. So, in a way, through the photographs of me making these funny faces, I validated the point of not being pretty, and specifically not being as pretty as my sister, that always looked so good in pictures.
Throughout the years I have accumulated these memories one by one, every time someone commented about my sister being pretty I took it as proof of me not being as pretty, and I created this idea and self belief about myself, and within this self belief I have justified so many things in my life, especially failure in relationships - why? because I'm not pretty enough - all this within the accepted idea that beauty has value, as we see this everywhere in the media, and in gossip with friends, there seems to be an accepted consensus that beauty is important and valuable - so, here I am, a product of my society, believing beauty is valuable while believing myself to be less than my sister, thus creating myself as inferior, believing myself to be less than - I've taken in all the information and had come to that conclusion that beauty is valuable and I lack it - then I have lived by this idea and created it as myself - not once did I question the validity of the accepted social norm that beauty is valuable - I mean really, why would it be? We are basically born with a physical structure, it's not like if we are good and caring people we become more beautiful, it's not like if we are abusive or manipulative we become ugly - thus there is no actual connection between how we look and who we are - so why did I never question this and simply accepted it as a truth within reality, and in turn a truth about myself - as I have gone throughout my life believing I am lacking, and within the experience of being lacking, as being less than, I have always been looking around, outside of myself, to check everybody else's appearance, to see who I am in comparison to them, to validate my self belief through people that are more pretty than me proving I lack the value of beauty as I have taught myself to do through my relationship with my sister.
Looking at it now, it's not only sad, it is actual child abuse, to be living in a world where beauty is believed to have value - I mean, we can't do anything about how we look, it's not like we can apply ourselves, study harder, build self discipline and as a result be more beautiful - so living in a world where it is promoted that beauty is important and valuable is causing so much unnecessary suffering, and not only to those of us that believe ourselves to be not beautiful, but also to those that have gone all their lives believing themselves to be beautiful, because they did get the positive feedback growing up, and they fit in to the cultural beauty ideal - how can they know if people accept them for who they are or for their looks - it's similar to being rich and everybody knows about it - how can you trust that the people around you are with you for "who you are" and not for you money - the value we have given beauty has caused only distress, inner conflict, competition, jealousy and rivalry throughout history, and yet, I have accepted it and recreated it within and as myself, and even though there is no common sense in giving beauty value, I still have done it throughout my life, and still do it within self judgment - until I stand up within myself, within self honesty, and take responsibility for myself as not allowing myself to simply follow the social norm I have grown to be use to, and the program I have created myself as - but to actually become self directive within common sense and stop what doesn't make any sense like giving value to appearance.
I realize judging myself for this is pointless and will just cause myself to create another personality within myself, just another layer of self judgment - thus I realize I must transcend this point through walking a process of self forgiveness and corrective application as I commit myself to stop and change, without falling into self judgment - I must integrate as myself the realization that I have programed myself due to the ignorance I have been existing in, and now that the vale of ignorance is off I must take self responsibility and change myself, to never again allow myself to fall into participation within the beauty system.
Self forgiveness to come...
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