Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
I've realized today, once again, that my life is like being stuck on a marry-go-round, where I go up and down and there is somewhat of an experience that things are happening, but I am actually doing the same thing, living out the same patterns, the same characters over and over and over… existing within an illusion that I am living, not even realizing that I have been on the same ride going round and round… I know there is life beyond this ride, and I know I have the power to get off the ride and start living, but I guess it's easier said then done - only through actual self investigation in self honesty will I be able to set myself free, I must ask myself the most intimate, hardest questions within the starting point of actually wanting to sort myself out, and to answer myself in harsh self honesty - I must also realize what questions I must ask myself? And not accept the automated "but I don't know" as an answer.
Since I became aware of the desteni process I've become aware of such points - that we are all accepting ourselves as patterns of the mind and not actually living as self expression as who we are, that we have all lost ourselves to such an extent that we do not know why we do what we do, we do not even know what we are feeling let alone what was the process of creation as we created these feelings within / as ourselves, as we were an active part of creating them, every step of the way, yet, conveniently we have allowed ourselves to forget the process and trap ourselves in the realm of consequence, thus existing as the victim of reality instead of realizing ourselves as the creation - whereas the victim is powerless and cannot do much to change while the creator has all the power to change everything yet requires the intention to do so - it's been 4 years now, that I know this, and even though I know this to be true, and am frustrated by it, I have not yet moved myself to do anything about it, I prefer believing myself as the helpless victim rather than taking self responsibility and living as the creator - because living as the creator has one of two options - to face myself as a creator that doesn’t care about anything, and live with myself as such, or get off my ass and take responsibility for my creation, and correct / change / perfect myself to be a creation that I proudly stand by - when thinking about why the hell am I not doing everything in my power to prefect myself, to change myself into becoming a being of self worth as I know that by changing myself I can become, the only answer I come up with is that I really don't care enough about myself, nor life, nor anyone really nor anything - up until now I obviously did care about anything in life, because if I would have, wouldn't I get my ass into gear by now, and do something about this fuck up of a life?
This isn't easy to admit, who wants to admit that they don't care about themselves, nor anything and anyone in their world?... All I really ever cared about is surviving, and since I was born into a financially comfortable situation, the only survival I had to consider was social survival - which if investigated a bit, I always experienced myself within social fear and sense of exclusion in everything I did, so I surrounded myself with many friends, from kindergarten age, some friends I liked more than others, some I used just for the company, but I would have never admitted to it - it's like all friendship was, was a joining of two lonely people that if they were together they wouldn't have to face the fact that they are living in a state of constant loneliness and a sense of exclusion - and then, after some time of practicing this social thing, the loneliness was suppressed and forgotten and was replaced with a plastic sense of belonging, only to came back up and rear it's head as fear, whenever events could be interpreted as a social problem, if they implied that something may change and the experience of loneliness / exclusion / rejection may return.
It wasn't all like that, as a very young child there was a point of pure enjoyment, like an actual physical enjoyment, playing together and laughing, but here, I am more referring to the time where "politics" / self interest / manipulation came into friendships, when it wasn't about the "just being here and enjoying ourselves and each other" but when it became, you know, girly and gossipy, proving to each other our friendship with gestures of loyalty, usually at someone's expense, and so on… when it became something you need to maintain and work on and not just enjoy.
Anyway, infesting this is coming up now, I am leaving the farm soon and I haven't addressed this point effectively in writing, I actually haven’t really addressed any point effectively in writing, I have just hardly scraped the surface, which is the main point of not committing myself and just letting myself go through the same shit over and over instead of dedicating myself to myself to sort myself out - always back to the same point.
So, here I am , in a process of learning to support myself, ashamed of myself for taking so long to get off my ass to make the first step in caring for myself, in trying to change myself and become a person that I want to care for, that I honor and respect, and doubting whether I can even make it and change myself - though, this self doubt is also just one of those characters on my marry-go-round, a character that I have allowed to direct me and infiltrate almost everything I do - self doubt is a tricky bastard, because it presents itself as naïve and innocent - "I am not saying that I can't do it, I just doubt that I can", like preparing the way of failure indirectly, "just in case I fall, let me make sure there is a safety net" - not realizing that instead of focusing on that which I am doing I am placing my attention on failure, and preparing my fall, thus distracting myself and actually sabotaging myself.
When I'm asked how I am doing, I answer with like a form of apology, allowing room to this self doubt character to sneak in, as if I cannot afford to say that "I'm working on it, it's going well, and I am improving, I will continue working on it until I am satisfied" - instead I will say something like "ya, it's ok, getting better, but there is still a long way to go, I'm moving very slow, and it's not as good as I would want it to be by now, but it's improving, so it's ok" - expressing and emphasizing the half empty cup, rather then simply saying it as it is, god forbid I let go this experience of inadequacy and actually take charge of myself and move into the "right" direction, the "right" direction being that which I choose it to be in self honesty.
Only now I see this, lol, I am a pessimistic… I expect the worst I anticipate the worst and I prepare for the worst, that is why I live and exist in constant fear… keeping expectations low, because what if I actually believe in myself and dedicate myself to a point, and actually invest myself in something - and fail - what will happen to me then? Well, the way I am acting it seems like I would die and dissipate into a million non existing pieces of nothing - but reality isn't so dramatic, I think - and so, I have been living as a pessimistic, not realizing that I am creating myself and my world according to who I allow myself to be, as my reality will only reflect me back to myself, and so, it isn't about changing the reality to be good and nice and then to prove my pessimism wrong, which is what I have been trying to do, as I have gone to the positive / feel good / optimistic fantasy land, which is as far from reality as being pessimistic, probably ever farther… it is, as always, about changing myself, as who I am in my relationship to myself, my world and my reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a pessimistic, within believing that I will not be disappointed if I prepare myself to fall, not realizing that by preparing myself to fall I am actually sabotaging myself and manifesting the failure instead of being here in breath and walking practically towards the point I have seen as fit to walk, and dedicating myself practically and fearlessly.
When and as I see myself expressing myself in pessimism, I stop myself and breathe, I direct myself to slow myself down, and evaluate what am I about to say, making sure that I am not participating in the pessimistic character as a means to prepare myself for a fall, and in doing so accepting a fall as inevitable - within this, I commit myself to when and as I see that my tonality or choice of words are pessimistic I stop and breathe and speak in simplistically and clarity, making sure that what I am saying is not contaminated with judgment or fear, but is a reflection of the physical reality as it is.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself pessimistically I stop myself and breathe, I direct myself to speak in stability and express what is actually here, without expectation and fear of failure.
I forgive myself for participating in the polarity of pessimism as seeing the worst and then to cover it up with a fake optimism, not realizing that investigating the point of pessimism allows me insight into myself as it exposes my fears - and so, when and as I see myself expressing / experiencing myself as pessimistic, I stop myself and breathe, and realize this I a gift of self realization if I only see it as such, and not allow myself to suppress it with either fear of positivity but to allow myself to through the pessimism, see reality and myself as is, not more nor less, not better nor worse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more comfortable within expressing myself in self judgment, not realizing that I am harming myself as I am constantly doing so, as what starts with self judgment as a means to remain pessimistic, as to make sure there is something wrong with the picture, ends as an actual self expression as self judgment had become the expression of self, due to my acceptance and participation within it. And so, I commit myself to slow myself down in breath and become more aware and notice my self expression as self judgment, and to stop myself with breath, to come to a halt, when I see myself judging myself for the sake of being negative.
FYI - one of my difficulties in this process, is that every point that opens up is huge, and takes many writings to go through - see here, the self doubt coming up "I can't do it, it's too much for me" - I breathe, and do not allow this chain of thought - and practically, I have proven to myself that consistency is the secret of accumulation, and accumulation is the secret of process - and so, even though a point seems huge, I know that if I take it on bit by bit by bit, I will cover it - and walking one step at a time, is always possible - so I know that all these useless thoughts of "ho shit, this is big" are just distracting / sabotaging me from walking this and any other point - no more - I must do this - and here I am, doing it - one step at a time.
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Monday, October 22, 2012
continue from my previous blogs:
Day 59 - Redefining friendship
Day 60 - friendship - Part 2 - Care and Support
Day 61 - Friendship - Part 3 - Care and Support - Self Forgiveness
Day 62 - Friendship - Part 4 – Limitation
Day 63 - Friendship - Part 5 – Quality Time
Day 64 - Friendship - Part 6 - Quality time - Self Forgiveness
Day 65 - Friendship - Part 7 – Consumerism
Day 66 - Friendship - Part 8 - The Debt System
Day 67 - Friendship - Part 9 - The Debt System - Self Forgiveness
Another interesting construct I find within friendships is Gossip.
Within entertaining ourselves through our friendships, and within supporting each other's personalities/characters, and within wanting to feel powerful at the expense of making someone else seem inferior, and within creating an "us" verses "them", to create an alliance as we lie together, as we go-sip, like a vampire action, as we suck the life of another through spreading lies behind their backs without them having an ability to stand for themselves. as we assassinate their character only to strengthen our own, as we feel powerful from receiving the acceptance and approval of the alliance, as a group of friends to keep/protect each other's backs, within the competition we exist as, within fear, within the accepted inferiority as ourselves, as we judge ourselves within our own self expression - we then project it on to the other as we judge them for their expression, wanting them to be seen as evil/bad/stupid/ugly so that we can see ourselves as more than them, as better - so instead of seeing ourselves for who we are, for the evil nature we allow ourselves to exist as, we point our attention out there, and look for who can we blame for it all, as we accept and participate within the evil construct of gossip.
And so, once seeing how friendship supports gossip - how can friendship still stand as a positive/loving construct in our minds? If there wasn't the construct of friendship, if there wasn't the alliance of accepting each other's lies, would there be gossip?
We accept and allow gossip all around us, in media specifically, exposing all the hidden secrets of who we have chosen as our celebrity gods, gossiping about who did what to whom and presenting them in a good light one day and then trashing them the next, creating energy within us, keeping us on our toes, feeding us with this addiction of gossip and slander, to distract us from ourselves, so then we copy the construct and gossip about our friends with our friends, accepting it as valid because we have lived in it all our lives and never have questions it or took a moment to evaluate if this construct of gossip has a right to exist, is it in any way supporting us as life or is it solely supporting the mind, as it creates conflict within our relationships and within ourselves, conflict that we experience as energetic reactions, energy that is derived from our physical flesh to maintain the mind as it go-sips, and drinks away from our life essence, from our physical to survive, while we allow it within our accepted addiction to energy, to conflict, not allowing ourselves to stop for a moment, to breathe, and to decide within self direction - is this who I want to be?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within gossip through speaking about people behind their back from a starting point of spitefulness, within the desire to turn the listener into spiteful as well, so that we are both spiteful towards the person I am gossiping about, so that I can feel powerful and be validated through my friend's acceptance/participation of the gossip
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within gossip through listening to gossip coming my way, within enjoying the energetic high within curiosity and knowing something about someone without them telling me directly as a point of power/control, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more than myself at moments of gossip, as I accumulate knowledge about others as a point of power/control that I can then use as manipulation to "win" if I find myself in a situation of social survival
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a stronger bond within friendships through gossiping, as a way to connect at the expense of someone else that we both dislike, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my friends as people that share similar likes/dislike with me, and thus if we find a point to gossip about together I see us as closer as friends, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to gossip with friends from a starting point of through the gossip we are tied to each other, as we have power over each other, as we have become partners in crime, and thus through gossip we tighten our bond, not based on our friendship/communication, but based in fear, as we each have a card over each other's heads, that we can draw at any time, thus creating an agreement that as long as we gossip together we remain friends and support each other by hiding what we are doing while justifying to ourselves within our minds that it's ok because the other is participating in it as well, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within the desire to keep gossip a secret within fear of people finding out, I am showing to myself that it is unacceptable to gossip, as I realize that that which I make an effort to hide is me showing me that I am not aligned with what I am doing, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate from myself within/as gossip through knowing within myself that what I am doing is evil and abusive but instead of stopping I deliberately continue within the excuse and justification that everybody does it, and within the self interest of getting the energetic high, power and winning the competition I have created within my mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within gossip as a way to evaluate the situation and the powers at hand, to snoop around, to see who is on "my side" and who is on the other side, and within gossiping I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to plant seeds of doubt and resentment in other people's minds towards the being I am gossiping about, deliberately doing so, within realizing that with time the seed will grow and they will not know how it got there and that I planted it, but their minds will be set up to resent that being, because they once heard something nasty about them, and within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility and be accountable for my actions and words and to seed spitefulness and resentment in people's mind, to then complain that the world is nasty but not allow myself to see my participation within it all
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in gossip as a way to justify myself through diminishing and assassinating someone else's character, showing the world how this being is wrong/bad/stupid/ugly so that I can justify my existence of being better and thus more worthy than them, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to find a way to actually accept myself, within allowing myself to admit to the evil that I have created myself as, and to from the self realization of who I am, to allow myself to change myself into a being that is worthy of life, instead of diminishing someone else just to through comparison place myself as better than them, but better than what? I have accepted myself as unworthy and instead of taking responsibility and directing myself as what is best for all, as creating myself into a being that I accept, I create gossip about another, making them seem as bad as possible so that I can compare myself to them and believe I am at least not the worst, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "shoot so low" so to speak, in regards to not even believing I can be worthy of life through applying myself as who I am, but instead to compare myself to the lowest definition I can think of and accept myself as "at least better than that"
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that gossip is showing me the self diminishment I have been participating through trying to make me more than someone, that I have to make less, to be able to win the comparison - how fucked up is this? How low can I go? What happened to comparing myself to the best in order to see how much more I can expand myself? What happened to seeing someone and supporting myself through creating communication and allowing myself to learn from them as I teach them, as we both expand together and equalize each other within the best interest of all - why do we accept ourselves within this competition sourced in our self judgment/diminishment/inferiority?
Time to stop
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself about to participate in gossip, and to speak the words aloud, I am not allowing myself to participate in gossip. I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/if I see myself listening to gossip, and to speak the words aloud, I am not allowing myself to participate in gossip. I commit myself to stop the curiosity within breath and bring myself back here, within realizing that there is nothing I can hear about any one within the starting point of gossip, that can support me in any way, it is just perpetuating the mind and my characters and validating my inferiority, while sabotaging/abusing others as I create more conflict/spitefulness/resentment in our environment
I commit myself to stop myself within/as competition, I have realized that competition is a mind construct that is designed to validate me as inferior within trying to win and be better than, instead of stopping the polarity all together within realizing that though comparison can be constructively used as a point of reference to expand myself towards, competition is never of support for myself or another and thus must be stopped
I commit myself, when seeing myself going into competition, to investigate the points of inferiority within myself as I have realized that inferiority can only exist as a mind created self judgment, as a form of self diminishment, I commit myself to taking all the actual physical data of myself and correcting myself as what is best for all, within stopping my participation with the evil construct of gossip, and willing myself and directing myself to become someone I can accept within knowing I am stopping the abuse within myself towards myself and others, and walking a process of self correction
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Sunday, October 21, 2012
continue from my previous blogs:
Day 59 - Redefining friendship
Day 60 - friendship - Part 2 - Care and Support
Day 61 - Friendship - Part 3 - Care and Support - Self Forgiveness
Day 62 - Friendship - Part 4 – Limitation
Day 63 - Friendship - Part 5 – Quality Time
Day 64 - Friendship - Part 6 - Quality time - Self Forgiveness
Day 65 - Friendship - Part 7 – Consumerism
Day 66 - Friendship - Part 8 - The Debt System
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to help/support my friends from a starting point of
expecting to get a pay back in the future, within this I forgive myself for not
accepting and allowing myself to be here in every
moment and direct myself to do everything I do within/as breath,
unconditionally, instead of imposing the past and the future on the moment that
is hereI commit myself to practice being here as breath when I do thing for people or in general, as to not do it from a starting point of paying off a debt from the past, or an expectation to be paid back in the future
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be nice to my friends within participating in being a good friends character, and within that not doing things unconditionally within a starting point of actually supporting them as myself in the moment, but from a starting point of a debt system, doing it for them now so that I can get something form them later, in addition to the good feeling I get for believing I am such a good friend for compromising/helping and not even making a big deal over it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional energy that comes along with the expectation/disappointment within the debt construct within friendships, as blame/shame/spitefulness etc.. ,I forgive myself not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by participating within the debt construct I am fueling the mind as I am adding unnecessary conflict to my life
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath if/when I see myself going into the debt construct, to support myself with bringing myself back here, to stop the backchat, to breathe, I commit myself to investigate each specific point that opens up within the debt construct within writing out the point and walking it through self forgiveness until the point is clear, and I commit myself to within each point, draw the path before me through corrective statement as to insure I do not fall in the same point again
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceit myself and my friends as myself within presenting myself as a caring/supportive friends while all along keeping score as to see who owes what/how much to whom, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually care for/support my friends unconditionally because I have always been keeping score, making sure I am not the one in debt, and if I would find myself in debt I would act to pay it back within a starting point of clearing my debt and at the same time to deliberately create situations that I place others in debt towards me in my mind, through holding on to the point of debt in memory and thus living the past/future instead of being here in every moment as breath
I commit myself to stopping myself from participating within/as the debt system of the friendship construct, through the support of breath if/when I see myself keeping score, thus I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself do something from a starting point of expecting there to be a pay back, and within this I commit myself to stopping myself within/as breath when I see myself doing something within a starting point of paying my debt, I realize that by participating within/as the debt system I am diminishing myself and the beings around me, through not allowing us to communicate here but always bringing up and living in the past as memory, and in the future as expectation.
I forgive myself for accepting ad allowing myself to use the friendship construct as a format of competition through keeping score and thus to do what I can to be the winner which means to make the other as the loser, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the abusive nature of the debt system, making one dependent on and in debt to another, thus participating with and creating power/control/superiority instead of doing what is best for all within stopping such abuse from existing within myself and thus within the world as a whole, and to actually support myself and those around me through not living in the past as memory or in the future as expectation, as I realize past/future exist only in the mind, and thus are not real as the physical, as breath, here
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the debt system within friendships is based on lack of effective communication where one expresses to the other why they will or will not do something, and within this point I see that if they are expecting something in return it should be agreed on within clear communication and acceptance of both sides, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to practice and participate within effective communication because I have allowed myself to live in fear of being exposed as who I am within my hidden mind, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live within self shame as a starting point of who I am within believing that the who I am within the back chat of the hidden mind is too shameful to share, and thus I have allowed myself to instead of correcting myself when/if necessary, to deceive myself and those around me and as consequence have created more conflict within myself and without as the communication with the other, through participating/accepting the debt system without questioning it to see if it's valid as a construct to exist within relationships
I commit myself , when I am asked to do something, to take a breath and actually give myself a moment to see/decide if I am willing to do this or not, within this I commit myself to base my decision on what is here now, and not project into the future expectations to hold as debt, within this I commit myself to communicate to the other if I do have any expectations and to come to an agreement as to wither it is valid and accepted on both or not
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the entire construct of friendships is based on debt as within the mere expectation of the other to "be my friend", each with their own definition of it, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "lone" my friendship to my friends within the expectation that they will pay me back with their friendship towards me, as that is what will make us friends, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be friends with all beings in existence as equals, where as the reason being that the ones that I don't "chose" as my friends - I don't expect to get anything out of them, and thus I am not their friend because there is nothing in it for me, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the entire construct of friendship is based solely on self interest and the living proof of it is that we are not friends with every one equally, we chose our friends to serve our needs, such as to feed our personalities or the idea that we are good/friendly people, or the belief we are protected and taken care of, because we have realized that we live in a cruel and evil world, that if we don't have anyone to take care of us we will not survive, yet we accept and allow others that are not our friends to walk around unprotected because they have nothing to give us in return to our friendship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat some people better/different than others based on who I define as my friend, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change as I present a different personality depending on which friend/person I am communicating with, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be the totality of me within self honest self expression with every one I am in communication with and in every moment of every breath
I commit myself to investigate all personalities I go into and participate with, within my friendships and with people that I don't define as my friend, and within that I commit myself to stop myself from participating within/as personalities and allow myself to be here, stable and equal within/as every moment of every breath, through a process of writing myself within self forgiveness and corrective statement, to allow myself to see the self deception/manipulation I have participated with from a starting point of self interest, and to correct myself as what is best for ALL and not limit myself to living as what is best just for myself and my friends because I realize there can be no equality if I limit myself to just those that serve my self interest, thus I commit myself to, within breath, let go of my self interests, one point at a time, through realizing that the "highest" interest is that which is best for all, and thus I will not stop until I am equal within all my relationships and within all communications, stable as breath, here as life
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Saturday, October 20, 2012
continue from my previous blogs:
Day 59 - Redefining friendship
Day 60 - friendship - Part 2 - Care and Support
Day 61 - Friendship - Part 3 - Care and Support - Self Forgiveness
Day 62 - Friendship - Part 4 – Limitation
Day 63 - Friendship - Part 5 – Quality Time
Day 64 - Friendship - Part 6 - Quality time - Self Forgiveness
Day 65 - Friendship - Part 7 - Consumerism
So, here's a scenario to look at - I do something for my friend, lets say help them move their apartment, just because they asked me to and I didn't want to say no, I didn't really mind troubling myself but it did feel like a compromise and I noted it to myself that I'm doing it for them because we are friends, and that's what caring friends do. But I don't do it unconditionally, this event is registered, and goes into the calculation books in my mind and waits there quietly for an opportunity to open up the books with an expectation of pay back, while in the mean while accumulating similar events as they come along, and adjust the debt accordingly in my mind.
Then, after some time, there might be a situation where I am need of some help, or want something to be specifically as I want it to be, so I will find myself asking something of my friend, at times I won't even ask but expect them to know what I want/need, and, since I have accumulated all this debt in my behalf, they should be willing and wanting to do things for me - it's pay back time.
So from my perspective this friend now owes me and I would like them to "pay me back" when it suites me, and if they don't "feel like" doing whatever I want or simply can’t assist me at that very moment, I would react within blame, comparison, self victimization, self righteousness, spitefulness, and revenge - because "the owe me", "I am entitled to receiving this help from them"
I would blame them for not being a good friend with back chat as: "why don't they want to do things for me like I do for them, why am I always doing things for them, even when I don't want to, just because I'm a good friend, but they wont do the same for me", then I will turn to spitefulness and revenge as I lash out at them, using emotional manipulation to maybe get them to change their minds, or at least feel bad for not doing what I want, and I prepare myself within my mind as planning the next time they ask for something, I tell myself within myself, there's no way I will do it for them, even if it's not a problem for me, even if I can easily help... this is thus one side of the debt game within friendships, the side of the giver/helper, the one with the perception of power as they the other has debt towards them.
On the other side of the debt system, there is the side receiving the assistance, and thus owing the debt, and they might now feel in debt to the friend who gave them the support, they might try hard to show their support back to their friends whenever they can, to maybe mark off a few points in the growing debt, they might become spiteful towards their friend because they believe their friends is the reason they are feeling in debt to them, so they end up resenting the friend that is helping them.
One must realize that this debt is an illusion created within ones mind where one calculates all acts and actions and accumulates debt for oneself and the other, while within this process of debt accumulation, there is no actual agreement between the two through communication in regards to the debt and how it is going to be paid off, it is all hidden within ones secret mind and assumed to be real as a part of a "fair"/mutual friendship".
Another point within the friendship debt, is that there is an initial assumption that you have to do things for your friends just because they are your friends, by being friends there is a hidden agreement that it's OK to expect things from one another, things that haven't been agreed on specifically, so basically, what it means is that you can expect from a friend to do something, because it seams like something small enough to expect, and then, if the friend refuse to comply, you would go into disappointment because you had expected them to participate, and from disappointment you can go to spitefulness, and revenge, while within this you are not actually considering your friend within finding out why they cannot help out, and in some cases if you do find out you will convince yourself it's is a justification made by them to get out of why they didn't help you, not realizing what you are doing at the very moment is justifying to yourself the disappointment/spitefulness you have been participating with.
The debt construct of friendship can be found in every relationship, where we expect things from one another, we do things for one another, but within that we almost never actually to it unconditionally within/as the moment, within/as breath, as a self movement self directed decision, doing as so that once the moment has gone - that's it, it's done with, it's behind us. No. we do it always based on self interest and fear, within holding on to it as a charged memory, accumulating it as debt.
Self Forgiveness and Corrective Statement in the following blog to come
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Thursday, October 18, 2012
continue from my previous blogs:
Day 59 - Redefining friendship
Day 60 - friendship - Part 2 - Care and Support
Day 61 - Friendship - Part 3 - Care and Support - Self Forgiveness
Day 62 - Friendship - Part 4 – Limitation
Day 63 - Friendship - Part 5 – Quality Time
I commit myself to being clear within myself as to why I want to spend time with people/friends, and within that to make sure I am self honest with myself within not deluding myself that I want to spend time with the other being while in fact I have other hidden agendas and am just using them to keep me company as I do not wish to do it alone, within this, I commit myself to stop myself from participating with such deception towards self and towards others and to be clear and direct towards myself and the other as to what I actually want, I commit myself to stop myself form participating within/as manipulation through expressing that I want something but actually using the other to get a hidden agenda, within this I commit myself to stop using and abusing the structure/platform of friendship for my own self interest and allow myself to see the other as equal to me, and thus to give as I would like to receive, and do onto the other as I would like to be done on to me, and thus I commit myself to practice and apply being direct and straight forward and not manipulate within self interest
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend time with people as I see as my friends, in order to do something, anything, as long as it will distract me from myself as who I am, and allow me to zone out into the bubble of friendship/entertainment as we spend time together, not actually communicating or supporting each other but just spending time, really wasting our time away, within a belief that we are doing something valuable as spending time with a friend, within the social construct that spending time with friends/loved one is valuable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape from myself through entertaining myself within friends, and within that using and abusing our friendship as a form of self dishonesty, using my friends to distract myself from myself and by that making them accomplices to the crime, so to speak, while presenting it as an innocent activity as spending "quality time" together, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my friends with me down the path of self dishonesty as distracting self from self within entertainment/activities, instead of standing as self integrity and supporting myself and them as myself within building self honesty and self respect through investigating self intimacy within oneself and one's relationship with another
I commit myself, when I see myself wanting to distract myself with friends and entertainment, to stop myself and breathe, to look within self honesty at the point I am running away from, and to write it out through process of self forgiveness, to allow myself to free myself form the point at hand that I am resisting and through releasing the point to be able to actually spend time with people/friends for that reason, and not to use them as hiding from myself
I commit myself to establish effective relationships with people/friends and within that to establish effective and supportive communication, through firstly opening myself up within writing for/as myself, and then to share points of relevance with them, to be a standing/living example of walking a process of self honesty, so that they too have the opportunity to walk, and we have a chance to actually support each other into an effective/supportive relationship/friendship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my friends as myself through only allowing us to communicate through the wall of external activity, as creating a safe zone to protect myself from the possibility of exposure, due to fear of within being exposed to be judged/rejected/ridiculed, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself due to not ever allowing myself to actually be myself and thus to know myself, and within that to fear what I might express/expose myself in an unexpected way, that isn't accepted by myself/my friend/society, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep myself safe within not exposing my true nature while not allowing myself to realize that I am protecting myself as personality/character/mind while not allowing myself to express myself and expand as life
I commit myself to apply the tool of writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective statement, to allow myself to face myself and finally see who the hell I really am, to through knowing myself within self forgiveness to stop fearing myself as the unknown and thus to allow myself to through knowing myself to direct myself to change to that which is best for all and stop all that I exist as now which results in shame and fear
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define some people as close friends and some not, within that to allow myself to expose/express myself only to those people that I trust as being "close" friends, within this I forgive myself for not accepting ad allowing myself to realize that by separating groups of friends into categories I am in fact manipulating myself to through feeling comfortable with some people to allow myself to open up to them, but not seeing the self deception within opening up only when it is convenient, within that not allowing myself to see that I am not actually exposing/expressing myself but am allowed to express my prominent character as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be different with each person, as evaluating who the person is and what they will accept and to adjust myself accordingly, thus allowing myself to exist as a split personality, within this I commit myself to stabilize myself and to remain stable here as/within breath with each person/people I interact with, thus allowing myself to actually express myself as who I actually am and not change myself according to who is around me, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present a different me according to who I am with and not allowing myself to see the self abuse and self compromise within this, as I have given more value to being accepted by others rather than actually accepting myself
I commit myself to changing myself within all relationships to become an effective human being, to support myself and the other within self honesty, to not accept myself and anyone else as myself, as anything less than who we are as life, and thus, I commit myself to stop all my current friendship as I know them to be, and I commit myself to build new communication with my friends, communication that is based on self honesty, intimacy, and the willingness to face ourselves through the assistance and support of the other, I commit myself to use the platform of friendship for the betterment of all as equal within the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all, through starting with changing myself first within/as myself and communication as myself, so that I can prove to myself that change is possible and relationships can change and be effective and supportive, and within that to stand as a living example.
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Wednesday, October 17, 2012
continue from my previous blogs:
Day 59 - Redefining friendship
Day 60 - friendship - Part 2 - Care and Support
Day 61 - Friendship - Part 3 - Care and Support - Self Forgiveness
Day 62 - Friendship - Part 4 - Limitation
Usually spending time together with a friend will include participating in some sort of activity such as going out to a bar, seeing a movie, playing pool, having lunch, drinking coffee, going dancing, taking a walk, watching a game, going to the beach, engaging in conversation… whatever it is, it seams like there is often some sort of external entertainment that goes hand in hand with the friendship.
In some cases spending time together could be actually communicating as having a talk, on the phone or face to face, and actually sharing what is going on in each other's lives, which then in most cases would activate the caring and supportive characters within justifying and supporting each other's personalities, as I have mentioned in my previous blogs. In other cases the time spent together can be seen as a form of entertainment, just doing something together, like the friendships the platform to do things, so it's not so much about the friendship/communication/intimacy, but rather about the activity and the togetherness, as in not doing it alone.
Having to participate in an activity, as having external stimulation, seams to be a form of separation, like creating an intentional wall between the two friends, as having a safe zone, having an escape route from actual intimacy, and within this I can see the different types of friendships coming up, where with a "close" friend this wall isn't as needed, and more often friends would engage in actual sharing intimate communication, and with not so close friends, more often than not, the time spent together would be around such activities as I have mentioned above.
One must ask oneself, while spending so much time together with a friend, how much time is actually spent in building intimate communication? Close to none. I mean, really, most of the time, most of the conversations, it's not about who we really are, it's about our personalities/characters we have accepted ourselves as, it's about supporting/justifying/protecting each others characters through either care and support or through competition and spitefulness, anything to distract ourselves from being here, as breath, as who we are as life, anything to distract ourselves from ourselves, from actually facing ourselves within self honesty. I mean, friendships could have been so much more than what they are, they could be a truly great foundation for self exploration within self support, while sharing with each other the self realizations and supporting each other to go deeper within ourselves, to assist each other to face ourselves within taking self responsibility for who we are and just be here together, walking the process of life together, but instead it is a place to hide from ourselves through entertainment, while participating in consumerism at it's finest, existing in a bubble that separate us, within our friendship from the rest of the world, including ourselves and each other.
Within the point of spending time together, I see three points: one is the resistance of doing things alone, and thus one would require friends to share interests with so one would have someone to do these activities with, the other point is consumerism, because most of these activities that friends do together, cost money, such as going to the movies, having a drink, going dancing, going to a concert, and I haven't even mentioned yet the "gift" industry as for holidays and birthdays… and the third point is the main deception of friendships, disguising itself behind the mask of support while actually doing the opposite, as supporting the self deception, supporting the separation from ourselves, supporting the characters and personalities, instead of supporting ourselves as life within equality and oneness, instead of using the equality equation as 1+1=2 to manifest together more as what is best for all than what we could on our own. It's a shame really…
Just to be clear within myself, it's not that friendships are bad, but they have been misused, and instead of standing as support of each other to become a more effective beings, it has been corrupted through the participation of limitation, manipulation, self interest, and over all really not supporting each other, not using this platform of communication to support each other to bring about a world worth living for all, I mean, if friendships are used just for self interest, or as a way to hide from ourselves, as a way to express/participate within our power games, as a way to justify ourselves and validate ourselves as the mind as personalities, as characters… then yes, friendships are not worth having, they are abusive and causing harm/suffering as they are keeping us further away from ourselves and further away from each other as equal being sharing this earth together.
But friendships don't have to be this way, it's up to us, we can utilize the power of communication to the best interest of all, we can use the platform that friendship provides to change ourselves, to support ourselves as life. It's up to us, which actually means, that within my relationships, it's up to me.
still more to come, stay tuned…
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Tuesday, October 16, 2012
continue from my previous blogs:
Day 59 - Redefining friendship
Day 60 - friendship - Part 2 - Care and Support
Day 61 - Friendship - Part 3 - Care and Support - Self Forgiveness
The idea/ideal of friendship, that I have accepted, has to do with a bond, like two people tied together, thus limiting each other, not allowing complete self expression as within any bond/tie
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowing myself to limit my friends through using emotional manipulation and ultimatums, as a way to get from them what I want or avoid what I don't want within our friendship, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take advantage of the bond we have created as our friendship and to hold them responsible for it within manipulating them not believing that if they did something that I do not accept they are in fact braking the bond between us, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use, within self interest, the fear we all share of losing our friends, and thus within self interest of getting what I want or having the situation the way I want it, to manipulate my friend into a point of fear of losing me and within that to blame them for being responsible for it if they did that which I don't want them to do
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within friendship within a fear of losing the friendship if I do/express something that isn't accepted within the friendship, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live as self expression but instead to limit myself within an act I believe would be accepted and approved by my friends in order to maintain my friendship due to fear of being alone/rejected
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within the effort to maintain the friendship at any cost, I would not allow myself to express myself as who I really am, but instead I would try and act in certain ways, to say the right things, to be funny and entertaining, to seams caring and supportive etc.… within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in a lie within myself where as on the one hand I believe my friendships to be real and authentic, and on the other hand I fear being authentic in every moment because I fear it might hurt the friendship through not passing the judging eye of my friends, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to explore myself within actual self expression within my friendship and within that to actually expect my friends to reject me if I were to express myself truly within self honest self expression in every moment, and within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the fear of being rejected, and the expectation of being rejected by my friends, is a projection of myself as not accepting myself and judging myself and not allowing myself to express myself within self honesty because I don't accept myself as worthy to be accepted as who I am, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my friends are limiting me within their judgment while all along I have been the one limiting myself, using the structure of my friendship to enslave myself within believing I am doing it for their acceptance of me while actually I have been doing it to suit my own idea of how I will be accepted, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief that I am limiting myself because of the judgment of my friends, and I haven’t allowed myself to see that I am the one who I existing within/as judgment and projecting it on to them, and thus am the one responsible for the participation/existence of judgment within our friendship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief that my friends are judging me not realizing I am projecting onto them my own self judgment within not accepting myself as who I am due to past experiences/memories that I have allowed myself to accept as the definition of me as inferior to myself as life, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame them for my own accepted limitation that I have created myself as but blame them as a self manipulation to hide from myself my own self responsibility, and within blaming them due to not allowing myself to see my responsibility of my self-limitation within self honesty, to within spitefulness allow myself to limit them within the justification of "do on to them what they have done on to me" while I was the one doing it on to myself, and then on to them. Thus, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize what I have done within/as my friendships, as I have transformed the construct of friendship from the caring/supportive ideal I have created about it in my mind as an idea, to a nasty/spiteful/judgmental power game of who sais the final word within the rules and regulations of the friendship, doing whatever I can that the final word will be mine, and that it is me that calls the shots, so that I can feel powerful and in control, while not realizing that it is all an outflow of my own self rejection/diminishment, and thus the loop of polarity exposes it's head again, as I hide from myself my hidden weakness that I actually believe myself to be, and instead, disguise it as power, within having the power to do onto another that which I do onto myself within my mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as self diminishment and within that to require friends to validate me to myself and through their acceptance give myself a sense of self value, instead of allowing myself to value myself for who I am as life, within realizing that I am life in fact, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize myself as life, but instead to believe myself to be less than life, and less than the idea I have within my mind as who I should be or should have been, and within this self diminishment to try and hide it from myself through distracting myself with many friends, and surrounding myself with many friends, not realizing that they as well are requiring my validation to hide from themselves their lack of self acceptance, and they too require validation to find within themselves a sense of self value and worthiness, and thus instead of supporting myself as life as realizing this point, and instead of supporting them as life within realizing this point, we assist each other in hiding from ourselves through direction ourselves with our friendship and so-called acceptance while all along playing this game of acceptance to hide the truth of ourselves from ourselves
I commit myself to investigate further the point of self diminishment/judgment/acceptance, because I now see how much it is influencing/directing me within my life and interactions with others, within that I realize the abuse I have been allowing towards myself and others where the source of the abuse being my self diminishment/judgment/acceptance, thus, I commit myself to investigate this point until I am clear within myself, until I am standing within self acceptance, until I have stopped all self judgment, I commit myself to do this within a daily process, as I walk each point, step by step, opening it up, facing myself as what I have accepted and allowed as myself, and within this I commit myself to change, to stop myself from participating and accepting myself than anything less than who I am as life, I commit myself to myself as life
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself participating in limitation towards myself or others, through emotional manipulation or the belief of dependency, I realize that it doesn't make any sense to do anything if it isn't me as self expression as self as life doing it, within this I realize that I have never really lived because I have never allowed myself to express myself as who I am within self acceptance. I commit myself to find myself within all the hiding and self deception, and to stand within/as myself, and to rebirth myself as life, trough a process of writing myself as I have realized this is the tool to see/face myself, and within self forgiveness as I have realized that only through forgiving myself can I let go of who I have allowed myself to be and exist as and to change myself into a being that supports self as life and all life as equal and one, as what is best for all
I commit myself to stop myself from participating in friendships/relationships that support the mind as the characters we have defined and accepted ourselves as, I commit myself to stand in the face of conflict without fear through the support of breath, and not accepting anything less than who I am and who my friend is, as life.
I commit myself to allow myself to change, to let go the old/familiar persona I know as myself and to rediscover myself from a fresh starting point that isn't directed by fear/limitation/diminishment, but is directed by self within breath, as life.
I know this will take time, it took me years to create myself as who I am, and it will take me years to face all the points, and forgive myself for all the abusive shit I have participated in, but I realize I cannot go on like this, I cannot accumulate more point of guilt, shame and regret, I realize tat every breath that I participate within/as the mind is another breath that I am not here, thus disregarding the one thing that is truly valuable, myself, the physical, breath
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Monday, October 15, 2012
continue from my previous blogs:
Day 59 - Redefining friendship
Day 60 - friendship - Part 2 - Care and Support
I like to think of myself as a good, caring and supportive friend, why? Because I want to feel good about myself and I want to maintain the friendship, Why? Why do I want friendships? What am I getting out of it?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the character of a caring and supportive friends, within that not actually caring and not actually giving support, but just acting the character as I have learnt from society as how a "good" friend should act
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am a caring friend when I experience myself caring for my friends, within that not considering that I have limited myself within the definition of the friendship construct and thus have trapped myself in the character of being a caring friend without actually having the free choice to care because I have already a defined myself as a caring friend, and thus did not actually care but only play a role
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect my friends to care for me and within the expectation to judge them according to the idea I have as what is the caring character, and thus if they do not match my expectation I use emotional manipulation on them to show them they have done me wrong, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit and restrict my friends into a specific expression that I have created as an idea in my mind, and within that allowing them to limit and restrict me according to their idea of the caring character, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing such limitations and restriction to exist in the name of friendship because I fear being alone and believe I will be nothing without friends, thus I allow myself to play the game of being a caring friend in order to maintain the friendship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have been supporting my friends within the definition of what a supportive friend is, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support my friends in fact as who they are as life, but instead to have supported their character of the mind, within allowing them to maintain their character as to justify my own characters, and thus within our friendship instead of actually giving support to each other as life, we have been supporting each other's characters as the mind, as justifying and accepting all sorts of abusive shit to continue wither gossip, tantrum, emotional breakdown etc.… within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually support my friends as life within fear of conflict, because I know that the agreement we have as friends, that has been lived out throughout our friendship, as an agreement between characters, and thus to actually give living support would mean to stop supporting the character and instead exposing the deceptions as to allow the friend to face themselves within self honesty, within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accept less than who my friends really are, as allowing them to maintain their characters, in the starting point of self interest as to not risk losing them as I have accepted myself as dependent on them as being my friends, and thus within fear of losing them I compromise themselves as life and not actually support them but maintain everything as we have always been, not allowing myself to change, and not allowing them to change
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am a good friends, but I haven’t allowed myself to see the reality of self interest hiding behind the act of the good friends character, as the fear of being alone within a self belief that I must have my friends to be/feel strong and accepted, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself within the self acceptance of self diminishment as I have allowed myself to exist within a friendship construct that compromise myself and them, just for the sake of staying together as friends, not realizing the abuse I have been allowing within this, as depriving myself and them the opportunity to self realize within self honesty
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to play out the character of being a caring and supportive friend instead of giving myself and them as myself the opportunity to change through actually supporting myself and them as myself within not accepting and allowing either of us to be anything less than who we actually are as life, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue with the friendship and the expression of care and support as we have agreed on years ago, and not allowed myself to actually care for them as life and actually support them as an actual friend, within this I realize that the construct of friend isn't really about care and support but in fact is about supporting each other as the character as the personality we have accepted as ourselves, and within that have agreed to use the friendship as a form of justification as a form of extra strength to stand within our character with someone by our side justifying to us everything that we are and have accepted as ourselves, instead of acting within actual compassion to who we are as life and supporting each other to stop this game of characters only designed to create friction and conflict within our worlds, only to generate more and more energy to deplete the physical to allow the mind to survive another day at the expense of ourselves as life as the physical
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care for my friends because I know them but not care for the rest of humanity and existence as a whole because I am safe within my friendships and know I will be taken care of, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the word care and not actually live it as the living word, as caring as the living word would be actually caring for life as all life as one and equal, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend I care as a social accepted construct, instead of actually facing myself as the self interest that I have allowed myself to exist as, within only caring about myself as my personalities and characters that I do not want to lose as I have defined them as myself, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a bond with some friends that we agree to care about each other in order to not trouble ourselves with the rest of the world because we are taken care of, we are not forsaken and alone, we have our friends, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the word friend, and believe it to be a nice/good/kind word, not realizing that it is due to the construct of friendships and the support/security we believe we get from it, is the reason why we don't care for the rest of humanity and existence as a whole
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the actual evil that exist within/as the construct of friendship within the caring/supportive character, because I have not allowed myself to see that within the friendship construct lay the allowance of all the atrocities to continue in the world because they are not my friends and thus I don't need to care for them, let me just care for my friends and that all I can do, no, this is unacceptable, all are equal here on earth and equally deserve and are worthy of care and support and thus by giving such care and support only to the few that I have allowed as my friends is giving permission for the rest of them to not get the care and support they require to live a dignified and fulfilled life
Within this I commit myself to stop myself as the caring and supportive character, and to within breathing and applying self forgiveness, within stopping myself as separation of the mind, to learn a=how to actually care and how to actually support within not allowing anything less than who I am as life, and who my friends are as life and who anyone is as life, I realize we are all equal and one, and thus I commit myself to through walking a process of opening up all point of deception within myself, point where I participate deliberately within separation, to stop myself as such, and to start caring for all as one, and support all as life, and stop supporting myself and my "friends" as the characters we have allowed ourselves to be and become and to justify our characters through our acceptance and allowance within the circle of friends, but instead to start a new agreement, one that supports life
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Sunday, October 14, 2012
Continue from Day 59 - Redefining friendship
Who am I within friendship?
I've had many different kinds of friendship, within each kind I am different, my set of expectations are different, my behavior, my effort, dedication, trust, loyalty, honesty… all are different according to the "type" of friend I am with. Thus, from this perspective, friendship is a main category, and then there are sub categories of friendships within the different types of friendships, and for each sub category there would be a slightly different set of rules.
Here, I would like to first, before investigating the details within each type of friendship and further more, within each specific friendship, I would like to establish a basic platform to work from. As I have written in my previous blog, there is a lot of value placed on friendship within how I have defined and lived it, and most, if not all of it, can be cleared up and taken away, to be able to leave the two beings with pure, self honest, respectful, enjoyable communication. I have seen that as of now, friendship do not hold these attributes, and thus my goal is to stop myself from participating within anything that is less than respectful, honoring, self honest, supportive communication, and thus I either let go all friendships or find the rotten starting point and change it into something that actually honor myself as life and supports both as equals within being a living example of honorable communication, support and respect.
But, just to be clear within myself, before I set out on this journey, I must be willing to let go all that I know within friendships, in order to truly allow myself to stop the old constructs of deception, manipulation and abuse, and create something new, completely different, and thus unknown as to what it will be..
Let the journey into the guts of friendship begin
Ok, so initially when I think of friendship I have a warm feeling, friendship represents support and love. But, when actually taking a look a bit deeper at the actual friendships, and not just the idea of a friend, the picture is much more complex.
The idea/ideal of friendship, that I have accepted, has to do with a bond, like two people tied together, thus limiting each other, not allowing complete self expression as within any bond/tie, within this bond, friends are obligated to some rules, the first one that comes up in my mind is expressing care/support towards one another, but what does this care look like? how do we define support?
So, caring for a friend will entail in calling them every once in a while, reaching out for communication, thinking about them when they are not there. Once communication is established, caring would mean listening to them, knowing about their life and asking about it to confirm that we know and care and thus ask, caring is sharing emotions with ones friend, such as if a friend is going through some hardship, then a friend would take it on themselves and experience hardship as well, feel identification and compassion, offer assistance and when cannot actually assist a caring friend will express their intention to assist, share their misery in a way, share the burden - that is caring
Within being a caring friends, I now see, it's like knowing the set of rules and following them, knowing how to act, acting as the caring character, so a caring friend must act as the caring character, they don't have to actually care, the hidden mind is what it is, it's hidden, thus a caring friend must only act as if they care in order to maintain the friendship.
In regards to support - support in a friendship is seeing the other, seeing what they are going through and giving assistance, but from my experience, supporting a friend was always difficult, cause you are expected to support their mind fuck basically, like if my boyfriend brakes up with me, my "supportive" friends will trash him, saying he doesn't deserve me and things like that to make me feel better, but will not actually support me in seeing what I have accepted within the relationship, and what I did and didn't do, what am I responsible for so that I can learn from myself and correct myself, no, support would be to justify the friend whatever happened. I have experienced many times the point of giving support to my friends and I experience their resistance to hearing what I have to say if it isn't completely justifying them and blaming the other, and many times they would ask me why can't I be more supportive - so here again, support within friendships is a pre-scripted act that one must play, as a supportive character, in order to maintain the friendship and be seen as a good friend.
Within this blog I have touched on two main characters of being a good friend, as the caring character and supportive character, I will investigate each and them within self forgiveness in my coming blogs, to expose/face who I am within these characters, and see how to correct myself into a being that is in fact caring and supportive towards myself and all equally as life, and not allow myself to participate in the caring and supportive character, as I realize that is an act, which is done through the starting point of self interest and isn't in fact supporting/caring for life through allowing self honest self expression, but is designed as a form of limitation and control
More to come
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