Showing posts with label desteni tools. Show all posts
Showing posts with label desteni tools. Show all posts
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic
Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage
I've been walking this process with desteni for a while now, and I recently noticed that I've been dong it all wrong… lol…
What I mean is that I have been taking on the information and seeing the truth in it as a philosophy, and I even appreciate the practical application and see the validity and common sense within it - but I have not actually taken the actual real step of applying it for and as myself and testing for and as myself to see if it is actually a valid practical solution, as suggested to write and self forgive and so on.
So, in this process you get to see that all that you though was good in the world is not really, and that all that I believed about myself is not in fact who I am - and without the application of self forgiveness what I have done is taken all this information on as another way to judge and abuse myself - like now I have validation that I am as bad a fuck up as I believe myself to be - all the other groups / religions / methodologies / spiritualities that I have been involved with always had a nice twist to it all, and so you could always end up thinking of yourself that you are ok and that everything will be ok - here with desteni you get the harsh truth, and the point is to understand the mechanics of it, to realize that even this fuck up that we have become does not define us, and to through actual practical application of self forgiveness and self investigation in self honesty into finding practical and livable solutions to change oneself into becoming a being of integrity - so, I got the point, I saw the harsh truth, and I used it against myself, instead of APPLYING SELF FORGIVENESS.
Without self forgiveness as a basic tool in this process of self change, as letting go of the "who I am" that you believe yourself to be, and instead recreating yourself, rebirthing yourself as life, into an actual living being, that is not automated by destructive and abusive robotic patterns, but that actually lives for and as life, all life, equally.
How have I abused myself with this process? (Let this be a warning for all of you that may do this to yourself - don't!!!)
As I said, I saw all the "bad" things in the world, nothing that I thought was good was real anymore - I saw love as self interest, I saw friendships as deceptive, I saw myself as acting and never actually living as myself, and my thoughts -I saw how evil they really were, so much manipulation and fear and spitefulness, and judgment - wow, so much judgment…
Anyway, without the act of forgiving myself for who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, without making a statement towards myself that I see who I have been and become and I direct myself to change myself into a being of self worth - without forgiveness there is no forgiveness, and then all there is, is seeing all this crap and bathing in it, judging myself for it, and going down a distractive spiral of self judgment - and doing so in the justification that I am walking process, preaching to anyone who will listen that I am walking a process of self change and sharing how this process is the best - when in fact all I have done with it is use it against me - it's interesting too, cause I have been getting feedback from my friends, from the very beginning of my walking, that I am being to hard on myself within this process, and I told myself that they just don't get it and just justified myself as being right, and everything I am doing is the right thing to do, I was on this high of "I found the path, you are all losers" - lol, but actually I was the loser, because I had found a path, I was convinced it was a worthy path to walk, yet instead of walking it for and as myself, I stood by it, watching other people going past it and judging them, or walking on it and comparing myself to them in inferiority asking myself "how are they moving so fast, and why am I not moving? What is wrong with me?" when I hadn't yet taken the step of making a clear decision of walking down this path, trusting myself within it - in this path, SELF FORGIVENESS is a necessary part of the path / process - I wanted to believe that it doesn't have to be, but 4 years later I am standing in the same, and other's that have been applying self forgiveness share their experience, and something is happening in their lives - they are changing. Can I say that about myself? I'm not so sure.
So if I were a scientist, my research shows, that walking next to process but not actually walking it for / as myself within actually applying the tools - has been found to be not effective - where as other people testify that walking the process for real, within an honest intention of self investigation and self change in self forgiveness - has been found to being very effective. So, as a scientist, I should now conduct a true experiment, to check for myself if this is true - if consistent application of self forgiveness within an honest intention of self investigation and self change, is actually effective.
I guess this is what my 21 days of self dedication is about - I am fed up with walking but not really walking this process - I have been on the farm for 8 months and it's fucking frustrating seeing myself not moving, not changing, not applying - the only thing is that everything is amplified here, so I see myself with more clarity - and it is not a lovely sight, as before, but with more clarity… and still, no self forgiveness means no self forgiveness - and what I require most is to forgive myself so I can start living with myself in peace, so I can start recreating myself and rebirthing myself as a life worth living.
This is way I state that I have misused the process, because I have taken something that could have been of great benefit for me, and instead of applying it, I have stood behind it and used it to justify my own continued self abuse / sabotage / judgment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to misuse the desteni process as a platform of self abuse disguised as self support, not realizing that I am only sabotaging myself by doing so, and that I am creating a relationship with the process as not being effective, but in fact I have never given it a valid chance, so to speak
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take al the "bad" realizations from what I've seen through the knowledge within the desteni process, and instead of walking it through a process of self forgiveness within realizing that only through forgiveness can I take responsibility for the point, as to let it go and change myself in relationship to it - I have seen the point and deliberately used it against me in self judgment / sabotage
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my self realizations against me, as armor of self judgment / abuse, within justifying myself through holding onto the past that I am fucked and will not change so no point of trying - instead of taking a breath, realizing that even these thoughts are not coming from myself but are a result of my constant participation within / as the mind
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk the process of self forgiveness effectively within fear / resistance towards change, as change would be a physical indication that I was in fact living a lie, and there is a point of ego as myself, as a point of "I want to be right" that is resisting change, as it would prove I was always ever wrong
I commit myself to walking this process slowly and gently, but within applying discipline as to actually walk in consistency, until I can say in self honesty that I have given it a shot, and actually see for myself the benefits or lack thereof - within this, when / if I see benefits form this application, I commit myself to support myself with this application and consistently supporting myself with it - I commit myself to become a being that supports oneself in self care and not continue allowing myself to sabotage/ abuse myself repeatedly
Ok - more tomorrow
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Wednesday, January 2, 2013
This is a continuation from my previous blogs:
Day 129 – Self Judgment – Part 1
Day 130 - Self judgment - Part 2 – Appearance
Day 131 - Self judgment - Part 3 – Appearance - Part 2
and for those that are interested in further self support in regards to self image please visit this blog, as it is walked through is specificity, self honesty, and self support: http://malingunilla.blogspot.com
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in self rejection/hatred due to not living up to the ideal image I have created in my mind, and thus allow myself to abuse myself through self rejection/hatred due to not looking like an image, not realizing that within doing so I am diminishing myself as a living multidimensional being into a one dimensional image, and within diminishing myself to a one dimensional image judge myself as not looking like the image in my mind, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am not an image, and I am not defined by the way I look but rather by who I am within myself, within my application, within who I am in my relationship to myself as my physical body, and not what my physical body looks like, thus if I accept and allow myself to judge myself for my appearance, that is who I am, equal to my acceptance and allowance as self judgment, as separation of myself as my physical body - thus, I realize it's not about changing my appearance, but rather changing my relationship to and as myself, to become the living expression of self acceptance, of self love, of self honor and self respect, to become one and equal to and as my physical body
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore my physical body as a living being, as the chamber that allows me life within the obsession of my appearance, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be grateful and honor my physical body unconditionally as the chamber in which I live in, as what allows me my physical existence in the physical, and instead I have only judged it within my desire to look a certain way and my physical body not molding itself into my desire, within this I realize that my physical body is real, here as the physical, where as my desire to look a certain way is based on the mind as an illusion, as the acceptance of a beaut ideal that has not passed the test of time, as it changes in each generation, in every new trend and fashion, thus, I realize that my body not molding itself into my desire has given me the opportunity to see my desire for what it is, to realize that I have been existing in my mind as the obsession as self judgment towards my appearance, as creating inner conflict and friction in my life, and within seeing this through the support of my physical body as not following my desire I can now change myself within taking self responsibility for who I am, and stopping myself as the mind, as the illusions my desires have been following.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within believing I should look like the image in my mind, I have validated and supported and justified through my acceptance and allowance the existence eating disorders which are actually a reflection of myself as I do not accept myself within and as my physical body, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my self judgment within the fact that I do not have an eating disorder because I have never crossed that line, but I haven't realized that I am participating in the same construct as I do not allow myself to accept myself as the physical body I exist within as do beings with an actual extensive eating disorder, thus, by participating in self judgment towards my physical appearance I am in fact participating in and validating eating disorders.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see my physical body through the eyes but through the mind, as the eyes see without judgment while the mind interprets and places judgment within self interest as a way to blind self from actually seeing through the eyes the physical reality which is here, as the mind act in self interest in disregard of the physical body and the physical existence as a whole and thus exists as self judgment to create inner friction and conflict to generate energy consumed from the physical, though this is hidden behind the accepted blinding effect of the mind, as placing the attention on the illusion as appearance instead of reality as what is really going on here on earth, as I have been spending my time caring about my appearance while ignoring the actual atrocities as abuse and suffering that is happening all around me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disease not within concern to my body's functionality, comfort and well being but within concern to my appearance, how will I look like if I have this or that condition, thus having it all in reverse asi have been ignoring what really matters as matter, as the function of the physical, as the condition of the earth while giving all my attention to myself in self interest within the desire to look in a specific way , I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disease from a starting point of fear of judgment due to the consequence of the disease as a change in my appearance while ignoring myself within and as the physical body, as the discomfort, pain, suffering, weakness and within this ignoring all the pain and suffering that exist in the world, within this dismissing the opportunity to heal myself and existence as a whole because I have accepted and allowed myself to put all my attention on what I will look like and what people will think of me as a construct of the mind and not on reality as the physical, not through judging it but through practically considering what is best for all life, including my physical body, and acting on it within self honesty and common sense.
I commit myself to stop my participation with judgment of appearance towards myself and towards others, I commit myself, when and as I see myself going into self judgment or judgment towards others, to stop and breathe, to come back to myself as the physical within and as breath and stop my participation within and as the mind, I commit myself to use the self judgment as an opportunity to return to myself within and as breath, thus, when I see myself in a moment of self judgment, I stop and breathe, I stop the thoughts, I stop the back chat, I return here to and as the physical as myself, and I do this time and time again until self judgment is not directing me as my experience of myself, within this I commit myself to write down to myself the specific back chat and specific self judgment that come up, and to walk a process of self forgiveness in self honesty, within realizing that I am harming myself as the physical body while participating in self judgment, and in that allowing harm and abuse of the physical in all it's dimensions and levels, thus I realize that any change must start with self, and thus I commit myself to through walking the process of writing, self forgiveness and self correction in practicality to be a living example that self judgment can be stopped
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
This blog is a follow up from my previous blog:
Day 123 - Physics and the Desteni Process - From Overwhelmingness to Normal
in relation to the blog series “physics and the Desteni Process”
I’m taking a brake from the physics series from perspective that, for a moment, I won’t be writing about a new point in the field of physics, but instead I will walk through the point of my process within writing this series, within realizing that the process of walking the physics series is a point of expanding myself as self expression, and thus is obviously not separated from myself as the process of walking myself into clarity, self responsibility and self defectiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience a resistance towards this project as writing this physics series once I realized I would have to actually investigate and do some leg work in order to be clear and accurate with the points I am opening up, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience a sense of regret within self judgment for not actually integrating the material when I was studying it and as consequence, now, I have to do the work again, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relive the experience I had through out my degree as of not being smart enough to be able to understand and interpret physics, and thus, now, when I realized I don't remember all the material in specificity and thus would have to re-learn all of it, I panicked, within allowing myself to go back into the experience of inferiority I had through out my degree, all this instead of realizing that I am walking this point for myself, as I am educating myself about the world I exist in, in order to become more effective within my daily application, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take this as an opportunity to brake the self create idea that I am inferior to physics and within walking the step by step process of learning what has been said and within applying critical reasoning to empower myself through allowing myself to express my perspective and insight within the starting point of expanding myself, as I take the physics into practical supportive application to find clarity and .
Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and believe myself to be the "lazy" character, and thus when I realized how much work there is to do I panicked, within believing myself to be lazy, within allowing myself to base my self-definition on past experiences and memories, and thus, due to never having done anything like this before, due to never before applying myself within self direction and consistency, I have allowed myself to believe I am not able to do so, instead of looking a the point in self honesty to commit to understanding it so I will be sure to never allow it to direct me again, investigating why I have never before allowed myself to excel, to push myself into consistent and effective application - I realize that instead of going into a panic within an experience of overwhelmingness, the common sense thing to do would be to see how I can improve, how I can learn to become effective, to stop the fear of failure because it only exists in my head and is limiting me as I believe it to be valid and justified based past experiences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as lazy within self interest as it has always been more convenient to believe myself to be incompetent than to stand and take self responsibility and actually apply myself as the directive principle as what is best for all, within this i commit myself to walk a process of self change, within realizing that the only way to build self trust is to allow myself to stand up and take self responsibility, within realizing that only through taking self responsibility will i expand and allow myself to become a being that I myself trust and respect as a being that is self directive and self committed to self transformation through self application. Within this, I commit myself to stop myself as self interest, as when i see myself falling into laziness within the justification of self definition, I stop myself and breathe, I correct myself in the moment to push myself to do that which needs to be done, within considering myself in my process and not allowing myself to be directed by the mind as justification and self definition within realizing that it is limiting and restricting me from being all that I can be
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself within believing myself to be lazy and incapable of directing myself into self commitments, to not allow myself to learn how and thus allowing myself to exist as self limitation instead of allowing myself to change myself as self directive to become that which I have never considered I could be as effective, self directive, consistent - thus I commit myself to investigate why I have not allowed myself to be effective, self directive and consistent within finding the points of self interest that I have been holding on to as convenience ,and within this I commit myself to find and apply practicable tools as writing, self forgiveness, self corrective statements and breathing, to assist and support myself to become effective, self directive and consistent - and thus to establish self trust, self respect and self value.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to panic within the expectation that each day I will be ready to write a sufficient blog about a complete point in physics, within realizing that I must investigate the points and become clear about them due to having forgotten the specifics of the material, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not remembering all the material in specificity and thus exist in the past within regret, not realizing that by participating in self judgment as regret I am making the process harder on myself as instead of being here and walking the point within breath I have allowed myself to be in my mind as self judgment and thus not give myself the chance to be effectively here as breath, one and equal to the point that is here, within this, i commit myself to learn from the past and not judge myself because of it, and thus to make sure that my starting point is clear within everything id and if i decide to do something I commit myself to it in order to not repeat the mistake of doing something half way and then judging myself for not integrating it as myself, within this I realize that the only way to walk this point is to walk at my own pace, to slow myself down and walk the points as they open up and walk them within the starting point of self, of investigating and exploring the points for self expansion, and then share what I have found and realized for others to see, learn and expand as well.
I commit myself to walk every point within the starting point as self, and thus see, realize and understand why I am doing what I am doing, within this i commit myself to if deciding to walk a point, to dedicate myself to the point as myself and investigate within self honesty, within self trust that step by step, walking within breath, i will slowly but surely reveal the point to myself as myself, and open it up as self realization as i get to know myself through seeing my relationship with every point i walk, and thus expand, one point at a time.
I commit myself to establish self trust through allowing myself to support myself through writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective statements, to let go the self diminishment that has been the excuse to not stand up and take self responsibility, and within this I commit myself to use this point of the physics series of blogs to prove to myself that I can be consistent and effective and that within realizing this is a process, and I am learning myself as I'm walking, to give myself time without self judgment, and walk this point as self expression, into self gratification within knowing that I am walking and will keep on walking until I stand stable within and as myself
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
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Wednesday, October 24, 2012
This blog is a follow up from my previous blog
Day 69 - Friendship - Part 11 – Spitefulness – Part 1
The point of spitefulness opened up through writing about friendships, as I have exposed to myself the point of spitefulness within friendships. While writing I found myself going into resistance towards opening up the point, I wrote and deleted and wrote and deleted, thus i saw that this point needs direct attention and deeper investigation.
I realize this resistance is here to "protect" myself from the perspective of protecting the who I am as the characters of the mind, as the personalities I have created myself as, protecting myself form not admitting myself as spiteful and thus not having to change - this resistance is the mind's attempt to sabotage my self realization. Within realizing this, I know I must push through this point, I must face myself, I must let go the judgment/shame that I have manipulated myself into using as a shield protecting me from myself, and allow myself to humbly see me as who I have accepted myself to become within participating with and creating nastiness/spitefulness/evil, so that through seeing, allowing myself to forgive myself and correct myself within the principle of that which is best for all - which is defiantly NOT spitefulness.
I took a look at all my relationships to see where and why I have allowed myself to go into and participate with spitefulness . The reasons/justifications for spitefulness are many, each one of them is a character in itself, but here I will just address them in respect to spitefulness, and make note to myself to go into them further in blogs to come, so here goes:
Competition
Arrogance
Impatience
Jealousy
Revenge
Limitation
Blame
Annoyance
Superiority
Inferiority
Worthlessness
Judgment
Being corrected
Not trusting
Fare game
Being miss treated
Desire approval
Abuse for sense of power
Passing on the energy of inferiority/anger
Expectation
Disappointment
Believing I am not loved
Manipulation
Control
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within/as spitefulness as a deliberate action/thought intended to hurt/harm/abuse another
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within/as spitefulness/nastiness towards people I have created a competition towards, and within the competition I see myself as the loser and thus spite them as a form of regaining my power back through thinking nasty thoughts in my hidden mind, or actually speaking the words or acting out on the spitefulness, as a way to weaken the other in my mind or actually through their reaction to my words/deeds, and thus I use spitefulness to weaken/harm/abuse the other, to place myself in a better position within the mind created competition
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think/speak/act within spitefulness from a starting point of arrogance, as I see myself as more than the other as I have defined them as stupid/slow, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define a multi dimensional being in a one dimension definition within a deliberate act of spitefulness to limit them in my mind and to be able to place them in a box as to get rid of the complexity of the multi-dimetionality and to justify myself within the belief that they are in fact that which I defined them as, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define others in such ways that I will feel empowered/stronger, and thus to live out this desire of power I think/speak/act within spitefulness towards them, as to prove to myself the position of power that I so very much desire, at the expense of them and in complete disregard of them as multi-dimetional and equal beings, not considering them at all and the abuse/harm I am causing in their lives and within their process
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within/as spitefulness within a starting point of impatience as I believe myself to be more than the other and thus within disregarding them as equal beings as life, and thus I allow myself to participate within impatience and express it through thoughts/words/deeds within spitefulness, to make sure the other being is aware of my experience of impatience as a way to make them feel small/valueless/worthless and thus on the other side I can feel strong/valuable/worthy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/speak/act within spitefulness within the starting point of jealousy, as I find myself jealous of another being and experience myself as less than them, thus I turn to spitefulness as a way to hurt them as I hold them responsible and blame them for my experience of jealousy, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the experience of jealousy is self created and not done to me by anyone but myself, and thus participating in spitefulness towards another is a form of abdicating self responsibility as I have not taken responsibility for the construct of jealousy that I have been participating with, but instead take it out on them within spitefulness, not realizing that it is I who have defined myself as less than them, while using them as an object to project my self abuse as my experience of inferiority/worthlessness, thus using them as a tool in my life to abuse them in order to experience momentarily the power that I have denied from myself through self diminishment and self judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/speak/act within spitefulness within the starting point of revenge, where I experience another being spiteful towards me, and I resent them for that, as I have reacted and have taken their spitefulness personally instead of allowing myself to see the construct they are participating within and stop myself from reacting through realizing that it isn't in fact personal but just a mind game within the intention to get me to react, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to spitefulness out of deliberate ignorance as to why the other is being spiteful, and within accepted ignorance I have allowed myself to spite them back and thus participate in spitefulness myself even though I have experienced it's harmful/abusive nature, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the "cry for help" within another's spitefulness as I now realize that any spitefulness is an expression of self worthlessness/inferiority/judgment, and thus any being that is spiteful is in fact not allowing themselves to express/face themselves in a supportive way, thus instead of supporting them as myself to see themselves to realize themselves as equals as life, I use it against them because I as well have not yet realized myself as life, and I spite them back as revenge to feel an experience of power/control, to cover up my own self diminishment/inferiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto memories of experiencing others being spiteful towards me and to bring up these memories within myself and use them as leverage for revenge, justifying to myself that it's ok for me to be spiteful because they were spiteful in the past so I get to do it too, creating within this a value system of revenge, as if someone had done me wrong I can do it as well, instead of seeing the harm/abuse of spitefulness as I have experienced it for myself and allowing myself to be the one to stop the "back and forth" game of spitefulness, a game where we all are losers, as we are all diminishing ourselves and each other in order to play, thus not allowing ourselves to see ourselves as equal and to thus support ourselves as life, but instead to abuse/harm within spitefulness/nastiness based on a value system that approves and validates revenge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/speak/act within spitefulness within the starting point of limitation, where I have perceive myself to being limited by another, while not allowing myself to see that the experience of limitation is self inflicted, and thus I blame the other for creating the experience of limitation within myself, and allow myself to go into the character of self victimization, instead of standing up within/as myself and stopping the experience of limitation, within seeing reality for what it is within/as the physical, and taking into consideration only physical limitation as reality, while realizing that any experience of limitation is just that, an experience, thus created within/as the mind and is not tangible as the physical, thus not real as the physical, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the experience of limitation to be real, and thus to blame others for creating this experience within myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in spitefulness towards these beings while using blame as justification as to why I am allowed to spite them, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am in fact only spiting myself for not allowing myself to see that I am the one creating the experience of limitation within/as myself, and thus through allowing myself to participate in blame and spitefulness I distract myself from seeing that I am in fact the source for my experience and thus have the power to stop myself within and as breath, as a self directive decision, instead of continuing the cycle of self abuse as I allow myself to abuse others on the way
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/speak/act within spitefulness within the starting point of blame, where I blame another for doing something wrong, I judge them for what they have done, I blame them for being the cause of my experiencing
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that all spitefulness is sourced within fear/inferiority/worthlessness that I have accepted as myself and is designed to create the polarity of these inner experiences as I create them in other beings, and thus participate/create/enhance the cycle of evil through passing on the torch of fear/inferiority/worthlessness while not actually letting go of it, but only duplicating it in lives of others while still holding on to my own, because I haven't in fact dealt with the point of fear/inferiority/worthlessness, thus I am still limited/directed by it, and so within spitefulness I duplicate the negative energy within myself and within others, instead of standing up for life and stopping the cycle of abuse, not allowing myself to see, realize and understand the vast consequences of participation with energy, as I allow it to consume myself as the physical, as it consumes myself in every moment within preoccupying myself through spiteful thoughts and fear of spitefulness, and thus not allows me to be here as breath, living a life that is worth living within/as the physical body, as the reality of me
corrective statements in the following blog, and then the next bunch of characters that the spiteful character latches onto.
stay tuned
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