Showing posts with label shame. Show all posts
Showing posts with label shame. Show all posts
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
I've realized today, once again, that my life is like being stuck on a marry-go-round, where I go up and down and there is somewhat of an experience that things are happening, but I am actually doing the same thing, living out the same patterns, the same characters over and over and over… existing within an illusion that I am living, not even realizing that I have been on the same ride going round and round… I know there is life beyond this ride, and I know I have the power to get off the ride and start living, but I guess it's easier said then done - only through actual self investigation in self honesty will I be able to set myself free, I must ask myself the most intimate, hardest questions within the starting point of actually wanting to sort myself out, and to answer myself in harsh self honesty - I must also realize what questions I must ask myself? And not accept the automated "but I don't know" as an answer.
Since I became aware of the desteni process I've become aware of such points - that we are all accepting ourselves as patterns of the mind and not actually living as self expression as who we are, that we have all lost ourselves to such an extent that we do not know why we do what we do, we do not even know what we are feeling let alone what was the process of creation as we created these feelings within / as ourselves, as we were an active part of creating them, every step of the way, yet, conveniently we have allowed ourselves to forget the process and trap ourselves in the realm of consequence, thus existing as the victim of reality instead of realizing ourselves as the creation - whereas the victim is powerless and cannot do much to change while the creator has all the power to change everything yet requires the intention to do so - it's been 4 years now, that I know this, and even though I know this to be true, and am frustrated by it, I have not yet moved myself to do anything about it, I prefer believing myself as the helpless victim rather than taking self responsibility and living as the creator - because living as the creator has one of two options - to face myself as a creator that doesn’t care about anything, and live with myself as such, or get off my ass and take responsibility for my creation, and correct / change / perfect myself to be a creation that I proudly stand by - when thinking about why the hell am I not doing everything in my power to prefect myself, to change myself into becoming a being of self worth as I know that by changing myself I can become, the only answer I come up with is that I really don't care enough about myself, nor life, nor anyone really nor anything - up until now I obviously did care about anything in life, because if I would have, wouldn't I get my ass into gear by now, and do something about this fuck up of a life?
This isn't easy to admit, who wants to admit that they don't care about themselves, nor anything and anyone in their world?... All I really ever cared about is surviving, and since I was born into a financially comfortable situation, the only survival I had to consider was social survival - which if investigated a bit, I always experienced myself within social fear and sense of exclusion in everything I did, so I surrounded myself with many friends, from kindergarten age, some friends I liked more than others, some I used just for the company, but I would have never admitted to it - it's like all friendship was, was a joining of two lonely people that if they were together they wouldn't have to face the fact that they are living in a state of constant loneliness and a sense of exclusion - and then, after some time of practicing this social thing, the loneliness was suppressed and forgotten and was replaced with a plastic sense of belonging, only to came back up and rear it's head as fear, whenever events could be interpreted as a social problem, if they implied that something may change and the experience of loneliness / exclusion / rejection may return.
It wasn't all like that, as a very young child there was a point of pure enjoyment, like an actual physical enjoyment, playing together and laughing, but here, I am more referring to the time where "politics" / self interest / manipulation came into friendships, when it wasn't about the "just being here and enjoying ourselves and each other" but when it became, you know, girly and gossipy, proving to each other our friendship with gestures of loyalty, usually at someone's expense, and so on… when it became something you need to maintain and work on and not just enjoy.
Anyway, infesting this is coming up now, I am leaving the farm soon and I haven't addressed this point effectively in writing, I actually haven’t really addressed any point effectively in writing, I have just hardly scraped the surface, which is the main point of not committing myself and just letting myself go through the same shit over and over instead of dedicating myself to myself to sort myself out - always back to the same point.
So, here I am , in a process of learning to support myself, ashamed of myself for taking so long to get off my ass to make the first step in caring for myself, in trying to change myself and become a person that I want to care for, that I honor and respect, and doubting whether I can even make it and change myself - though, this self doubt is also just one of those characters on my marry-go-round, a character that I have allowed to direct me and infiltrate almost everything I do - self doubt is a tricky bastard, because it presents itself as naïve and innocent - "I am not saying that I can't do it, I just doubt that I can", like preparing the way of failure indirectly, "just in case I fall, let me make sure there is a safety net" - not realizing that instead of focusing on that which I am doing I am placing my attention on failure, and preparing my fall, thus distracting myself and actually sabotaging myself.
When I'm asked how I am doing, I answer with like a form of apology, allowing room to this self doubt character to sneak in, as if I cannot afford to say that "I'm working on it, it's going well, and I am improving, I will continue working on it until I am satisfied" - instead I will say something like "ya, it's ok, getting better, but there is still a long way to go, I'm moving very slow, and it's not as good as I would want it to be by now, but it's improving, so it's ok" - expressing and emphasizing the half empty cup, rather then simply saying it as it is, god forbid I let go this experience of inadequacy and actually take charge of myself and move into the "right" direction, the "right" direction being that which I choose it to be in self honesty.
Only now I see this, lol, I am a pessimistic… I expect the worst I anticipate the worst and I prepare for the worst, that is why I live and exist in constant fear… keeping expectations low, because what if I actually believe in myself and dedicate myself to a point, and actually invest myself in something - and fail - what will happen to me then? Well, the way I am acting it seems like I would die and dissipate into a million non existing pieces of nothing - but reality isn't so dramatic, I think - and so, I have been living as a pessimistic, not realizing that I am creating myself and my world according to who I allow myself to be, as my reality will only reflect me back to myself, and so, it isn't about changing the reality to be good and nice and then to prove my pessimism wrong, which is what I have been trying to do, as I have gone to the positive / feel good / optimistic fantasy land, which is as far from reality as being pessimistic, probably ever farther… it is, as always, about changing myself, as who I am in my relationship to myself, my world and my reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a pessimistic, within believing that I will not be disappointed if I prepare myself to fall, not realizing that by preparing myself to fall I am actually sabotaging myself and manifesting the failure instead of being here in breath and walking practically towards the point I have seen as fit to walk, and dedicating myself practically and fearlessly.
When and as I see myself expressing myself in pessimism, I stop myself and breathe, I direct myself to slow myself down, and evaluate what am I about to say, making sure that I am not participating in the pessimistic character as a means to prepare myself for a fall, and in doing so accepting a fall as inevitable - within this, I commit myself to when and as I see that my tonality or choice of words are pessimistic I stop and breathe and speak in simplistically and clarity, making sure that what I am saying is not contaminated with judgment or fear, but is a reflection of the physical reality as it is.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself pessimistically I stop myself and breathe, I direct myself to speak in stability and express what is actually here, without expectation and fear of failure.
I forgive myself for participating in the polarity of pessimism as seeing the worst and then to cover it up with a fake optimism, not realizing that investigating the point of pessimism allows me insight into myself as it exposes my fears - and so, when and as I see myself expressing / experiencing myself as pessimistic, I stop myself and breathe, and realize this I a gift of self realization if I only see it as such, and not allow myself to suppress it with either fear of positivity but to allow myself to through the pessimism, see reality and myself as is, not more nor less, not better nor worse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more comfortable within expressing myself in self judgment, not realizing that I am harming myself as I am constantly doing so, as what starts with self judgment as a means to remain pessimistic, as to make sure there is something wrong with the picture, ends as an actual self expression as self judgment had become the expression of self, due to my acceptance and participation within it. And so, I commit myself to slow myself down in breath and become more aware and notice my self expression as self judgment, and to stop myself with breath, to come to a halt, when I see myself judging myself for the sake of being negative.
FYI - one of my difficulties in this process, is that every point that opens up is huge, and takes many writings to go through - see here, the self doubt coming up "I can't do it, it's too much for me" - I breathe, and do not allow this chain of thought - and practically, I have proven to myself that consistency is the secret of accumulation, and accumulation is the secret of process - and so, even though a point seems huge, I know that if I take it on bit by bit by bit, I will cover it - and walking one step at a time, is always possible - so I know that all these useless thoughts of "ho shit, this is big" are just distracting / sabotaging me from walking this and any other point - no more - I must do this - and here I am, doing it - one step at a time.
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Thursday, April 25, 2013
This is a continuation of my previous blogs:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
Day 177 - Not Pushing Myself
Day 178 - I can only start Walking from Here
Day 179 – I want to but I don’t want to
Day 180 – Building a Bridge
Day 181 – Self Belief “I am not Dedicated”
Day 182 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self forgiveness
Day 183 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self Commitments
Day 184 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Further Investigation
Day 185 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Waking Myself Up
And specifically a direct follow up to my previous blog Day 186 – Self Belief – “I’m not a Hard Worker”, if you haven’t already, please read it for further context.
By making the statement “I am not a hard worker” there are a few dimensions / layers that I am referring to in relation to the definition I have given “hard worker”.
By stating to myself that I am not a hard worker, I am saying that I don’t have the skill set of being a hard worker, as i don’t have the valuable list of characters I relate to being a hard worker, characters of integrity, taking responsibility, following through, completing a task, being humble.
But, at the same time I am not only saying I am incapable, I am actually saying I don’t want to, as I have defined the work that hard workers do, to be beneath me, I am a snob to such tasks, and when I find myself facing these jobs, I have to push through a lot of resistance, jobs like this that I have faced lately were cleaning the toilet, raking, doing physical labor, it is “not for me”, I’d rather have someone else do it – maybe this explains why I am proud of “them” for being hard workers, where I realize these tasks have to be done, because they are practical physical tasks and are necessary for the maintenance and up keeping of the physical environment we live in, and so I am happy that some people can do these tasks and not be bothered by it – obviously I never considered asking them if they really enjoy it, because I prefer not knowing and believing that they are cool as they seem, so long as I don’t have to get my hands dirty. Not wanting to get my hands dirty but wanting the job to be done – spoken like a true elitist.
And so, I have separated myself from this concept, as I do not see myself as all the positive aspects I have attached to the term “hard worker” as I’ve mentioned in my previous blog: “respecting “hard workers” for doing the actual valuable physical jobs, actually getting things done in the physical, they can be left on an island and they will survive because they are physical, they do what needs to be done, they don’t complain, they don’t manipulate, they don’t try to get out of it, they have integrity, respect for the work they do, and they can do any work with pride.”
And at the same time I am saying that I am “too good” for this type of job, I should have a white collar / high class job – someone else should be a hard worker, not me, judging the work as inferior, and those who do the work as inferior, and thus, I do not want to be defined / judged as inferior so I separate myself from such jobs.
So, it seems as I’ve created an interesting polarity here – where I see hard worker as both positive and negative, superior and inferior, and I have separated myself from both aspects. What I see here is that I am the one judging these tasks - yes, it is based on a social accepted judgment, but I am accepting and participating with this judgment towards particular jobs / tasks as being inferior, so first thing’s first – I realize I must remove the judgment.
Then, once I remove the judgment towards specific jobs I can redefine what it really means to be a “hard worker”, within exploring how I can actually live the definition as myself as a living expression of myself, rather than separating myself from it as I have done thus far, within limiting myself and trapping myself in the self belief of not being a hard worker.
Self forgiveness and redefining “hard worker” in my next blogs to come.
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Tuesday, February 19, 2013
for context please read my previous blogs:
Day 160 – A life changing Decision
Day 161 - Shame - I've done nothing with my life
What I didn't realize is that not everything is in my control, actually, when looking at it, almost nothing is.
What happened was that I had made the decision, but then I had to communicate to others that are involved with the point, and it turned out that the opportunity that I was preparing myself for, was no longer available, I had waited too long, or maybe it wasn't even available to begin with - come to think about it, it was never actually presented to me as a real opportunity but just as an idea, and I took the idea as reality, and started planning and projecting lovely imaginations of my predicted future, "now that I have made the decision and have already changed my life"… lol…
Anyway, for a moment there, when I was told the opportunity was not on the table, I wasn't laughing, I was actually very disappointed, and felt foolish for have seen it as a done deal in my mind, as a future projections and imaginations, existing in a complete illusion - Because, the opportunity was never actually here, as a real physical opportunity, it was merely an idea - but I didn't see it as such, I had run ahead of myself in complete separation from reality, from myself, from what is here. Telling people about this life changing decision, writing about it here in my blog, and really believing that because I had made the decision, that the point is done - believing that this is how life works, I decide on something and it simply happens…
What's cool about these previous days in regards to the decision is that I actually took it, I made the decision, what I didn't realize that it's not all up to me, and there are other forces at play, other people in the game.
So, after my initial disappointment, I tried to figure out what I had done wrong, was it because I told people about it, should I have kept it to myself until the deal was closed? Was it because I got so excited about it, is this existence punishing me through the polarity excitement / disappointment? Was it because of the fear and worry that came up within me, did I manifest my fears of failing and have failed myself before even starting anything?...
At this point I realized that I am not actually looking nor investigating in self honesty, but that I am now busy blaming myself, pointing a blaming finger at myself in anger, as if I have failed myself for missing this chance - I realized I am participating in energy as looking to see where I was wrong, not from a practical starting point of common sense as to learn from the situation and to expand from it, to realize another layer of myself, but from an energetic starting point of blame, as a form of self punishment, and thus, I felt worse by the minute as I found more and more points that I didn't stand in breath - so I became angry with myself, and not realizing that once again I've been busy getting lost in my mind instead of breathing here, in realizing that nothing physically had changed from a moment ago, everything that was here a moment ago is still here, I am here, and that which was never here was not really taken away as I experienced it.
I believed my mind created future projections to be of reality, and so I then experienced loss, as if I lost something that I had, but really I just lost an idea, an illusion, there was nothing to lose really - within this I realize that even if there was something to lose, would that justify my self blame and anger, would that justify allowing myself to experience this energetic experience as a form of self punishment? Even if there was something to lose, would I really be losing anything, or just an idea, a self definition, an energetic attachment?... I could really only lose something either created in my mind as an illusion, or something I have separated from myself and have placed value in that thing instead of equalizing myself to it, and thus experiencing loss, as if I am losing that part of myself that I haven't claimed as myself in equality.
I then experienced shame and embarrassment for telling people and now having to face them and telling them that I was premature, and that what I told them was not based on reality, not noticing that I was again in my mind, in future projections as to how will I face them, how will they react? Will they mock me for being so foolish, will they pity me for losing my opportunity?...
Man, why do I keep doing this, trying to solve things in my mind, always trying to figure things out in my mind, never allowing myself to simply be here, to breathe in self trust, to slow myself down, to return to myself, to return to the physical as myself, to be here, to live. I mean, what actually happened? Nothing really, I had a plan and it changed, I decided to do something and it didn't work out due to things that are out of my control - that's all that happened, but instead of seeing it realistically, I have spent all that time in my mind, creating and building up energy, creating and accumulating ideas, interpretations, beliefs, judgments, blame, justifications and so on, basically creating internal friction and conflict, creating my own suffering through my acceptance, allowance and participation within / as the mind.
I realize though, that my mind isn't the problem, all it does is reflects me back to myself, as through my participation with my mind I can see who I am as the beingness of myself, as what I have been accepting and allowing as myself. So, what is my mind showing me? It is showing me who I am, who I, as the beingness as myself, am accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be - lets have a look: self doubt, self hatred / anger / shame, self neglect / abuse / separation / hope / illusion - it is showing me that I don't know who I am, and that I am looking for myself in the future as a mind illusion, instead of realizing that I am right here, and since I am in fact right here, in every moment, I can get to know myself, let go the barrier of self judgment, and find myself within myself, here - I will not be more than myself if the future plays out as I planed, just as I will not be less of myself if it doesn't - yet, this is how I experience it, thus, my mind is showing me that I am not unconditional towards myself, my self value is dependent on how reality plays out, and within it my self respect, self honor, self love, self dignity - if this is who I am, as what I accept myself to be, what I created myself as, then I defiantly want to change.
Why am I not embracing myself in my own arms, like I would an innocent child? why am I beating myself up over this? Why am I looking to blaming myself? Am I doing so in order to justify to myself my self believed worthlessness once again?
This is so messed up!!!
How did I become this self abusive creature? Torturing myself in believing the abusive illusions of the mind while disregarding what is here as the physical, instead of supporting myself to stand as life, to empower myself, to build self trust, to find self care within and as myself and to embrace myself within myself, in understanding that I have created myself as who I am over years, and it will take self dedication to change myself, it will take a process, and as long as I am walking there is no point on beating myself up, because beating myself up is part of the "old me" that I want to change, I don't want to be that person that beats themselves up for making mistakes, it's sad.
In the blogs to come I will open up the points in self forgiveness, to investigate the points further, to answer all the questions that came up here, to understand myself more, to forgive myself, to allow myself to let go, and to direct myself to change.
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Sunday, February 17, 2013
I'm continuing the point that opened up in my blog yesterday, please read it for context if you haven’t already - Day 160 – A life changing Decision
I experience shame - shame for not having the integrity to push myself regardless of having that financial safety net - I enslaved myself to my money through allowing myself to limit myself and not explore myself but instead hide behind the convenience of not having to push myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame, instead of investigating in self honesty what is the shame showing me within and as myself, and to commit myself to change and align myself to/as a principle I can stand as, to never experience shame again
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame for not having the integrity to push myself regardless of having a financial safety net
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my financial safety net as an excuse from exploring myself, expanding myself and allowing myself to actually live, instead of using my financial advantage to my advantage and actually put it in good use, instead I have allowed myself to fear losing it, and to lean on it as a crutch, thus limiting myself and creating over time a self belief of inadequacy
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the experience of shame is showing me what I have done, as I have allowed myself to limit myself, as I have allowed myself to create myself as self limitation in fear, instead of standing stable within and as myself and building self trust, self respect, self honor and self dignity by being all that I can be, by pushing myself to live fully, but instead I have built self doubt through accumulating justification for "not doing", not expanding, not exploring
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame instead of stopping the shame and correcting myself as seeing what I have accepted and allowed myself, as I have allowed myself to give up on myself, to close myself off in fear of falling and thus, have not allowed myself to learn to walk , and to commit myself to never again, to face my fears, to walk through them standing up and stable, because ei realize that either I direct myself or I will allow myself to be directed by my fears, and I realize that by allowing myself to be directed by my fears I am giving my power away, time and time again, until I reach the point of shame, because I see what I have done, and I see I could have done it differently, but it's too late, because the past cannot be changed, time cannot be turned back, and thus, the only practical solution is to commit myself to never again - thus, I commit myself to not allow myself to make decisions in regards what I do or don't do based in financial fear, I commit myself to let go the emotions I have attached to the situation through self forgiveness and writing, and to through common sense find what is the practical thing to do, I commit myself to not allow myself to fight for my limitations, as I have used all the excuses to not do things based on self beliefs that I am inadequate, not giving myself the chance to prove me wrong.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on trying and dedicating myself to a project because I had a financial safety net, and thus I have never allowed myself to discover what I can do, what I enjoy doing, where I can contribute, because I have always allowed myself to stop when things got hard, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing to leave my comfort zone, because I could afford not to, not realizing that only outside of my comfort zone will I face myself and be able to grow and expand, as I try new things and explore myself within them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in shame because I realize I have never trusted myself enough to let myself make mistakes, and thus have limited myself and prevented myself from growing.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself in fear of falling, making a mistake and failing, within fear of survival as the back chat in my mind as "what if I loose all my money, and cannot provide for myself?" - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow and participate with this back chat, not realizing and seeing that it is this following the back chat that is the point of self sabotage, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe this back chat to be me and thus, to follow it as if I am giving myself some good advise, though I have never questioned where this back chat is coming from and why it is not actually supporting me in living out myself in my true and full potential, but is always diminishing me - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as self diminishment, and to accept myself as self diminishment through unquestionable believing and following my mind as back chat and self diminishing thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself to my money through allowing myself to limit myself and not explore myself but instead hide behind the convenience of not having to push myself because "I have money, I am fine, I don't need to work hard".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a polarity between money and work, and thus believe that because I have money I don’t have to work, thus not realizing that I have defined money as good and worked as bad, instead of realizing that it is actually the other way around, as I have allowed money to limit my self expression, and haven't allowed myself to explore myself in/as work because I have defined it as bad / not preferred, and thus have been avoiding it, with money being the justification as to why I can allow myself to avoid work
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame, and within that to want to hide myself as to not reveal / exposed that which I am ashamed of and judge as myself, thus I have build up excuses and justification as to why I am "not successful" amongst them being a self belief that I am inadequate, that something is wrong with me, instead of seeing that the real point is that I simply didn't want to take myself out of my comfort zone, as I didn't want to inconvenience me, not realizing that only outside the comfort zone can I expand, and that only through inconvenience can I learn new things and grow
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame based on memories of the past, as I have defined myself according to what I have or haven't done in the past and thus within judging myself I experience shame, as I see in self honesty that what I have or haven't done is unacceptable and doesn't stand as life, within the principle of equality, within self respect and self honor, and thus instead of standing up within / as myself and stopping / changing myself to align myself within / as the principle of equality, and live as the expression of self respect and self honor, I have allowed myself to exist in shame, beating myself up for what I have done in the past, that which I cannot change as it is done with, thus, within this, I realize the experience of shame is a gift, showing me to myself within allowing myself to look in vulnerability what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as, but in the very moment of seeing shame as an energetic experience is no longer supportive, but is a point of self sabotage as it justifies self judgment instead of looking for solutions and corrections, thus, when and as I experience myself going into shame, I commit myself to stop myself and breathe, to practically investigate in self honesty and direct myself within self forgiveness and corrective statement to walk in a way that will honor myself as life, as the principle of equality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame for not being financial independent, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself and judge myself according to whether I have been financially independent, and within this giving the highest value to financial independence, and thus diminishing myself to one aspect and judging myself accordingly, instead of supporting myself to grow within it and equalizing myself to and as that aspect, within investigating why have I not been financial independent and finding practical ways to support myself to change, instead of judging myself as an expression of the belief that it is who I am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame because I was born to a financially stable family, and have not yet "made something out of myself" according to how I perceive and understand the system's definition of being a success, and thus, I experience shame that I have not made it even though I had all the opportunity, within this, I compare myself to those that were born to poverty and experience shame and guilt for having taking for ranted the life that I had while they had to struggle in poverty, within this I realize that the guilt and shame are a cover up, an excuse and justification to not stand up and change the inequality I see within the system, as I give myself a free ticket out through experiencing the burden of shame and guilt - no, I will not allow this, I realize shame and guilt have a role by showing me to myself though, holding onto them is self manipulation within self interest, as if to say "look I feel so bad about it, let me do nothing about it because my bad feeling is enough of a burden" - I commit myself to stop myself from going into and holding onto the experience of shame and guilt in regards to taking my life for granted, and instead to apply myself and become the persona that I can be, to stand in equality to the principle of equality, and this starts with myself, as allowing myself to be equal to myself and not less than who I really am, which is what I've been allowing all my life, and thus the shame for not actually living, even though I apparently had the circumstances to do so, what I didn't have is myself, to push myself to become myself in self honesty
I realize shame is a point of self support, it is a gift as it can be a point of transformation - I realize I mustn't hold on to the shame in energy and allow the shame to become an energetic experience as a form of self abuse and self punishment, but rather allow myself to investigate the point in clarity and stability, within allowing myself to see that which I, as the shame, am showing myself, and then, within what I find in self honesty, to forgive myself unconditionally within realizing that the past cannot be changed, it can only become a platform for self transformation and self correction.
When and as I see myself going into shame, I stop myself and breathe, I write out the experience and find it's source within self honesty, as I investigate and ask myself why am I experiencing shame, what have I done or didn't do that I have come to experience shame, and once I find the point, I write it out and commit myself to change within finding practical applications as self support to help me through the point to never again allow myself to relive this point of shame.
I realize I have been participating in a pattern of giving up on myself, not trusting myself, and excusing myself with not having to push myself through the effort / difficulty / resistance due to not having to support myself financially - thus, I commit myself to, from now on, not allow myself to give up on myself based on "I don't have to do this" I commit myself to establish common sense through writing the points out, and making sure I am not fighting for my limitations, that I am not justifying doing / not doing based on self diminishment and fear of failure, when and as I see myself going into the pattern of self diminishment and fear of failure I stop myself and breathe and push myself to deliberately do that which I resist doing, to prove to myself that I am not limited by the ideas I have created of myself within the mind trying to "protect" myself, while all along limiting myself from expanding, learning and living.
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
continue from my previous blogs:
Day 59 - Redefining friendship
Day 60 - friendship - Part 2 - Care and Support
Day 61 - Friendship - Part 3 - Care and Support - Self Forgiveness
The idea/ideal of friendship, that I have accepted, has to do with a bond, like two people tied together, thus limiting each other, not allowing complete self expression as within any bond/tie
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowing myself to limit my friends through using emotional manipulation and ultimatums, as a way to get from them what I want or avoid what I don't want within our friendship, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take advantage of the bond we have created as our friendship and to hold them responsible for it within manipulating them not believing that if they did something that I do not accept they are in fact braking the bond between us, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use, within self interest, the fear we all share of losing our friends, and thus within self interest of getting what I want or having the situation the way I want it, to manipulate my friend into a point of fear of losing me and within that to blame them for being responsible for it if they did that which I don't want them to do
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within friendship within a fear of losing the friendship if I do/express something that isn't accepted within the friendship, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live as self expression but instead to limit myself within an act I believe would be accepted and approved by my friends in order to maintain my friendship due to fear of being alone/rejected
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within the effort to maintain the friendship at any cost, I would not allow myself to express myself as who I really am, but instead I would try and act in certain ways, to say the right things, to be funny and entertaining, to seams caring and supportive etc.… within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in a lie within myself where as on the one hand I believe my friendships to be real and authentic, and on the other hand I fear being authentic in every moment because I fear it might hurt the friendship through not passing the judging eye of my friends, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to explore myself within actual self expression within my friendship and within that to actually expect my friends to reject me if I were to express myself truly within self honest self expression in every moment, and within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the fear of being rejected, and the expectation of being rejected by my friends, is a projection of myself as not accepting myself and judging myself and not allowing myself to express myself within self honesty because I don't accept myself as worthy to be accepted as who I am, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my friends are limiting me within their judgment while all along I have been the one limiting myself, using the structure of my friendship to enslave myself within believing I am doing it for their acceptance of me while actually I have been doing it to suit my own idea of how I will be accepted, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief that I am limiting myself because of the judgment of my friends, and I haven’t allowed myself to see that I am the one who I existing within/as judgment and projecting it on to them, and thus am the one responsible for the participation/existence of judgment within our friendship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief that my friends are judging me not realizing I am projecting onto them my own self judgment within not accepting myself as who I am due to past experiences/memories that I have allowed myself to accept as the definition of me as inferior to myself as life, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame them for my own accepted limitation that I have created myself as but blame them as a self manipulation to hide from myself my own self responsibility, and within blaming them due to not allowing myself to see my responsibility of my self-limitation within self honesty, to within spitefulness allow myself to limit them within the justification of "do on to them what they have done on to me" while I was the one doing it on to myself, and then on to them. Thus, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize what I have done within/as my friendships, as I have transformed the construct of friendship from the caring/supportive ideal I have created about it in my mind as an idea, to a nasty/spiteful/judgmental power game of who sais the final word within the rules and regulations of the friendship, doing whatever I can that the final word will be mine, and that it is me that calls the shots, so that I can feel powerful and in control, while not realizing that it is all an outflow of my own self rejection/diminishment, and thus the loop of polarity exposes it's head again, as I hide from myself my hidden weakness that I actually believe myself to be, and instead, disguise it as power, within having the power to do onto another that which I do onto myself within my mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as self diminishment and within that to require friends to validate me to myself and through their acceptance give myself a sense of self value, instead of allowing myself to value myself for who I am as life, within realizing that I am life in fact, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize myself as life, but instead to believe myself to be less than life, and less than the idea I have within my mind as who I should be or should have been, and within this self diminishment to try and hide it from myself through distracting myself with many friends, and surrounding myself with many friends, not realizing that they as well are requiring my validation to hide from themselves their lack of self acceptance, and they too require validation to find within themselves a sense of self value and worthiness, and thus instead of supporting myself as life as realizing this point, and instead of supporting them as life within realizing this point, we assist each other in hiding from ourselves through direction ourselves with our friendship and so-called acceptance while all along playing this game of acceptance to hide the truth of ourselves from ourselves
I commit myself to investigate further the point of self diminishment/judgment/acceptance, because I now see how much it is influencing/directing me within my life and interactions with others, within that I realize the abuse I have been allowing towards myself and others where the source of the abuse being my self diminishment/judgment/acceptance, thus, I commit myself to investigate this point until I am clear within myself, until I am standing within self acceptance, until I have stopped all self judgment, I commit myself to do this within a daily process, as I walk each point, step by step, opening it up, facing myself as what I have accepted and allowed as myself, and within this I commit myself to change, to stop myself from participating and accepting myself than anything less than who I am as life, I commit myself to myself as life
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself participating in limitation towards myself or others, through emotional manipulation or the belief of dependency, I realize that it doesn't make any sense to do anything if it isn't me as self expression as self as life doing it, within this I realize that I have never really lived because I have never allowed myself to express myself as who I am within self acceptance. I commit myself to find myself within all the hiding and self deception, and to stand within/as myself, and to rebirth myself as life, trough a process of writing myself as I have realized this is the tool to see/face myself, and within self forgiveness as I have realized that only through forgiving myself can I let go of who I have allowed myself to be and exist as and to change myself into a being that supports self as life and all life as equal and one, as what is best for all
I commit myself to stop myself from participating in friendships/relationships that support the mind as the characters we have defined and accepted ourselves as, I commit myself to stand in the face of conflict without fear through the support of breath, and not accepting anything less than who I am and who my friend is, as life.
I commit myself to allow myself to change, to let go the old/familiar persona I know as myself and to rediscover myself from a fresh starting point that isn't directed by fear/limitation/diminishment, but is directed by self within breath, as life.
I know this will take time, it took me years to create myself as who I am, and it will take me years to face all the points, and forgive myself for all the abusive shit I have participated in, but I realize I cannot go on like this, I cannot accumulate more point of guilt, shame and regret, I realize tat every breath that I participate within/as the mind is another breath that I am not here, thus disregarding the one thing that is truly valuable, myself, the physical, breath
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Monday, October 8, 2012
continue from previous blogs:
Day 51 – Blame character – Part 1
Day 52 - Blame character - Part 2 - Reacting to Tonality - Self Forgiveness
Day 53 - Blame character - Part 3 - Reacting to Tonality - Self Commitments
Within the blame character I have noticed the point of experiencing myself as being attacked when spoken to in a way that I react to, such as being corrected, or spoken too in a specific tone, I am thus opening up the point of feeling like I'm being attacked, as one of the steps within the blame construct. In my previous blog I opened up the point of reacting to tonality, and now I will open up the experience of being attacked repeatedly, as an expected part of a relationship with another
Within the previous blog I have looked at reacting to the tonality of people within interpreting it as being an attack, now I am looking at the reaction that come up within me when I perceive myself to being attacked repeatedly
If I perceive myself to be attacked often and repeatedly I experience a form of desensitizing, like a form of coping mechanism where I zone out and ignore/suppress the reactions within me, another point within perceiving myself to being repeatedly attracted is that I lose my perception of what is important, like there is no big and small scale, it all becomes with the same intensity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in relationships where I experience myself being attacked repeatedly and I do not direct the point but instead accept it as "that's how things are", and thus, within believing "this is how things are" I forgive myself for not allowing myself to investigate the point of reaction within myself but instead turn to blame, and thus have not allowed myself to take responsibility and direct the point, but have accepted it as a "fact of life"
Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the point clearly within having a clear understanding if it is all in my head, as in self created or is does it have to do with the other as well, as them taking part within participating in abuse/attack, either way it must be stopped, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within being attacked repeatedly and thus have given up on a chance to actually enjoy myself as life, as I have accepted the experience of abuse as a way of living, not trusting myself to stand up for myself and to make sure I do not allow myself to experience any abuse wither through clearing my own back chat of the mind as the creator or wither changing/stopping the abusive relationship - either way I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take abuse as a way of life and thus not respect/honor myself as life that deserves to live free of abuse
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within believing myself to being attacked, to experience being attacked over and over, and within that to imprint the first experience of attack and in each time it happens again to accumulate it as another memory, bigger and bigger each time, to then, create an experience within myself as if I have been attacked repeatedly, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not only believe that I am being attacked by the words/tonality another is speaking, but to allow such an experience to repeat itself over and over within accepting myself as helpless to the situation and create myself as less than the situation and the other being, over and over, instead of changing myself within changing how I perceive the interaction within realizing that I am only "attacked" if I believe myself to be attacked through reacting to it, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attack myself within my mind over and over and create myself as the victim character while all along blaming the other for attacking me as the one that created the situation and is responsible for it, when in fact I have done it to myself within/as my mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate the different experiences of being attacked as a big intense experience of being repeatedly attacked, and within that to react each time with grater energy, even though the actual "attack", or what I perceive to be an attack, is not grater each time, but because I haven't directed the situation effectively and have accepted it to continue I react to it more and more, and within accepting myself as the victim over and over, I then blame the other for victimizing me, instead of realizing that I am responsible for the whole entire accumulation of the situation through not directing it and accepting the mind to direct it as myself as a victim, and within that to hide my own creation through the construct of blame
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate experiences of being attacked, and form an experience within myself as being repeatedly attacked, thus living within/as the past as memory, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instead of stopping the mind and actually looking at the physical situation and thus directing the situation within breath, to create a coping mechanism that keeps me further from seeing what is actually here as the physical, as I distant myself from the situation by desensitizing myself to the attacks, thus what I am doing in fact is suppressing the experience through "zoning out", numbing myself to the situation, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to direct the point within stability, through communication, and instead to accept the situation as a given fact and to "deal" within through numbing myself as zoning out, thus accepting and allowing it to continue
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself within creating the experience of being repeatedly attacked to instead of actually facing the situation within common sense as looking at the physical reality of what is here and moving myself effectively within it, through investigating my reaction to see what are my buttons that are being pressed to then be able to through seeing them free myself from them, to instead distant/separate myself further from myself and further from self trust through creating another coping mechanism as "losing proportion of the situation" and not recognizing if what is being said is important or not, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself when experiencing myself as repeatedly attacked to no longer see/recognize if the point at hand is referring to a big point or small point, and thus to not allow myself to be here in the situation and evaluate what is being said and to recognize if it is crucial/important as life threatening or a petty/unimportant correction that I can consider applying or not through applying common sense
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in back chat, as reliving the experience of being attacked as a future projection for the next time, and thus planning out the situation within it's energetic state of blame/anger/spite, within this accepting it to continue instead of standing within/as myself and stopping myself, not allowing myself to indulge in back chat but willing myself to STOP
I see within accepting myself as being attacked repeatedly a point of not standing up and facing the other through direct communication due to fear of conflict, I use as justification that I am reacting and thus cannot stand in the face of the other, because I don't trust myself that I am seeing what I think I am seeing, in other words, when I experience myself being attacked by another and I react, I allow myself to doubt myself completely and only focus on my reaction instead of taking into consideration that through effective/direct communication I can support myself to understand the situation better, support myself to clear the reaction, and support the there through sharing my experience with them, to allow them to see themselves, if they are ready/willing to . So in a sense I have been accepting abuse, and taking shit from others because of fear of conflict, I will address this point blogs to follow
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attack, authority, behavior, belief, blame, critisizm, emotions, energy, enslaved, negative energy, perception, reaction, self responsibility, self trust, shame, slavery, superiority, suppression, takng things personally, tonality
Friday, October 5, 2012
I am working with the blame character within and as myself where I am looking at one dimension of blame where within my environment an event occurs where I am corrected / feel inferior / ….and through my experience of this I would react in anger, feel animosity towards the other person blaming them for how I experience myself.
So, within this character I see there are three steps to the creation of the blame character:
1. I take a response from someone in my environment personally
2. Within taking it personally I react to the other person negatively where I create an emotional body that reacts to the response from the other person
3. I then become the blame character – blaming the other person for my experience
I will start from the end to unfold the pattern:
Why do I blame?
I blame as a way of abdicating self responsibility, stating to myself that others are responsible for how I experience myself. It is a form of self diminishment within believing myself to be a victim to others and dependent on others within believing they have control over me as my experience of myself
Why do I experience a negative energetic experience?
Based on memories/ideas/interpretations that I have created and accepted in the past, as I have connected the dots between my experiences creating a belief system of how things should be, how people should be, how I should be. Within this I have learned to use positive/negative energetic experiences to get what I want within self interest, to justify myself and to protect my personality/beliefs. So going into negative energetic experience is a point of not having the situation aligned with my expectations of it within self interest, simply not how I want it do be within the ideas I have created, and through feeling bad about it I justify to myself that I am right within the idea.
Why do I take things personally?
I feel attacked, the idea I have of myself is attacked, things are being said that are not aligned with my belief system, with the personality I want to have presented, there is a clash and I go into defense mode as a form of survival, like becoming alert and having to defend myself, my persona.
I have noticed that I have the perception of being attacked through the tonality in another's voice where I perceive them to be criticizing me, impatient with me and an authority over me. If I perceive myself to be attacked often and repeatedly I experience a form of desensitizing, like a form of coping mechanism where I zone out and ignore/suppress the reactions within me, another point within perceiving myself to being repeatedly attract I lose my perception of what is important, like there is no big and small scale, it all becomes with the same intensity.
Within the perceiving myself as being attacked I allow myself to feel enslaved where I lose all self trust, and accept myself as enslaved to the situation and my experience within it, like I am trapped within it.
Through out this point I recognize that I have a desire to be seen in a specific "light", while within the point of experiencing myself as I'm being attacked I feel like I am not seen as I desire to be seen and there is a fear within that as to how others will see me as
So, in a way my definition of self is challenged, I recognize the misalignment with my self definition and what is being said to me that I have reacted to, and I evaluate it to being negative according to my belief system based on past experiences/memories/interpretation, then I react within a negative energetic experience, and instead of realizing that I am doing all of this to myself through accepting blindly my belief system and my definition of myself, I go into blame within believing the whole experience to be real and my beliefs to be valid, and thus I blame the other for creating this situation as what I am experiencing within/as myself, through their expression.
Within the blogs to come I will open up this point further
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
So the first fear I must face is the fear of facing
myself, within understanding that I, as self as life, am not who I am programed
to be, I as life as self is not defined by the program, thus I must allow
myself to see the program as myself, to see myself for who I have allowed
myself to be, so that I can once and for all take responsibility and direct
myself as support to all life, as that is the only way that I will be able to
stand in the face of death without the shame I have now towards myself for not
supporting life, the shame for ignoring life and allowing abuse, allowing pain,
creating pain for my own personal interest, to get a good feeling that has been
programed into me as sugar, to keep me running towards the temptations of the
positive feelings and away from the negative, thus allowing myself to be a
slave to my feelings/emotions, a lifeless robot that is moved and directed by
cue, with no inner movement, no self will or self direction… is this who I want
to be? Is this how I am accepting myself as?
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within/as shame
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself be ashamed of myself within taking who
I am personally within believing who I am, as how I have accepted and allowed
myself to be and become, defines me and thus I go into shame as stating to
myself that I am accepting myself as who I have defined myself as, instead of
actually investigating myself and making a directive decision as to who I want
to be from here on out, as living into the physical the principle of what is best for all within equality
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself within
the experience of shame, through not allowing myself to see/face myself due to
fear/resistance of experiencing shame towards myself, within that allowing
myself to be directed by the desire for "good" feelings while
avoiding the "bad" feeling such as shame, within this I forgive
myself for not accepting and allowing myself to use shame as what is actually
here as a tool of self support to assist me in seeing/realizing myself as who I
have accepted myself to be and from the point of seeing/realizing myself to
push myself to change, and within this to stop allowing myself exist within/as
shame.
within
this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the
desire for "good" feelings and avoidance of "bad" feelings
within not realizing that this is how I have enslaved myself to/as the mind as
being directed blindly through good/bad feelings instead of directing myself as
what is best for all within self honesty
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within shame within not
realizing that who I am as that which I am ashamed of does not actually define
me as life, and thus I can, within self will/movement, change myself in to a
being that supports all life
I forgive
myself for not accepting and allowing myself to use the experience of shame as
a toll, to investigate that which I experience shame towards and to decide
within/as self honesty who I want to be within/as the point, considering all
life as a whole and not only my self interest, because I have realized that any
self interest that compromise life is of the mind as separation, and thus a
point that later comes up as shame towards self
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear shame within/as myself instead
of using it as self support to expose/face myself, to allow myself to see
within self honesty who I have allowed myself to become and take self
responsibility accordingly and change myself as what is best for all within
every point that I shame
I forgive
myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate points of shame
because I didn't want to let go of the value system I have been existing as
within points I experience shame towards, within this I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to defined myself according to the value system I
was taught by my parents/society and within that allow myself to judge myself
within the experience of shame when I do not stand as the value I was taught by
the system, not realizing the extent of mind control within that as suppressing
my self-expression, and not accepting myself as myself due to ideas of values
and morality that I have accepted without considering life within/as the
physical
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of myself within
believing that that which I am ashamed of defines me, not realizing that within
self will/movement I have the ability to change myself and to become a being
that I will not be ashamed of because I will know I am living according to what
I have decided to live as, within a self directed decision, and thus I realize
that participating within/as shame is a self manipulation to not take
responsibility and to actually change, but to prefer the self punishment in
form of the negative feeling as shame instead of actually changing within/as
the physical
I forgive
myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use shame as self manipulation
to get myself out of looking/investigating a point within/as myself due to not
wanting to take self responsibility, within the desire to remain within/as my
self interest while not considering all life as what is best for all but to
stay in my small bubble of self interest and shame not allowing myself to
change myself into/as support of all life
I commit
myself to stop myself within/as shame because I realize it is a self
manipulation keeping me from changing within existing as separation from myself
and the physical reality as life, and staying trapped in the mind as
shame/judgment
I commit
myself to show that shame is a self manipulation to get self out of taking self
responsibility within this physical reality and remaining trapped within/as the
mind as judgment and fear, within this I commit myself to take each point of
shame within me as a gift of life and forgive myself within making a directive
decision to change as what is best for all, because I know within self honesty
that only that which is best for all is actually best for me within the
consideration of living shamelessly and only within living that which is best
for all can I face myself at my judgment day and stand with no regrets for all
that I've accepted and allowed as myself
I commit
myself to look at all points of shame and to investigate within self honesty if
the point is valid within perspective of is it showing me myself as my
participation within a mind created
point of self interest, and thus I will change myself within/as it, or if the
point is not valid, within showing me a point I am judging myself for, due to
beliefs/values that I have accepted from my parents/society, and thus ,I look
at the value system I have placed and clear myself form the value system that
has directed me through allowing myself to judge myself and others within it.
I commit
myself to walk a day by day process of stopping the mind within/as breath
through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective statements, because I
have realized that being directed by the mind is not trust worthy as the mind
as all beliefs/emotions/feelings are a lie within not actually being here as
reality as the physical, and thus I realize that in order to birth myself as
life from the physical I must allow myself to let go all that is familiar
through my habit of participating with and believing the mind, and to
reestablish myself as life here within/as the physical in every breath
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Continuing the blog from yesterday: Day
24 – Cleaning table tops
Yesterday as I was doing my cleaning chores, I experienced a frustration
and worry in regards to not knowing what I am doing, and not being good at it,
within expecting myself to already know how it's done and be able to do it effectively.
I recognize such experiences from many other situations throughout my
life, of being a beginner and resisting the process of having to go through the
learning curve until the task/ability comes natural for me.
What I see within this is a point of pride, wanting to be seen as good
and effective, being "a natural", looking at it as if it is shameful
to ask for help or to go through a process of learning, thus I want and expect
from myself to know how anything is done straight off the bat, or I lose
interest in it or resist doing it within believing "it's not for me".
Another point I can relate this to is laziness, from the perspective of
realizing that learning something new will take time, effort and practice,
maybe even some struggle, and there is no immediate satisfaction, you have to
work for it, and only after you have pushed through the point, will you see the
result of your effort, and even that is uncertain.
This brings me to realize another point is the point of the unknown,
meaning, I don't know for a fact that I will actually be able to do the task
effectively within ease, I don't know if I will be good at it, I don't know how
long it will take me to perfect it if at all…
Within a process of learning I see that I do not allow myself to learn
unconditionally, I am learning in order to achieve something, there is a goal
out there, and thus not knowing if I will make that goal creates inner friction
within myself, thoughts like "is it worth it?" come up, "maybe I
am just wasting my time learning this…" projecting myself into the future
and trying to calculate the profit I would get through the action I am taking,
and if I'm not sure I will make a profit I push away through resistance, not
even knowing why I have changed my mind, or any other part of this inner
process that I've allowed within myself to direct me.
Within this I see yet another point of fear of failure, what if I work
hard and try but still will not succeed, or be judged, what if I am seen as a
failure/looser for not knowing straight off the bat what/how to do something… all
these point are intertwined and compounding each other, all lead to each other
and are derived from each other, like feeding off each other to keep me trapped
in the pattern of not allowing myself to learn.
Due to the resistance towards the experience of being a beginner I have
limited myself from learning new tasks, and even when I do I cannot enjoy
myself with all this back chat going on in my mind creating friction and worry
instead of simply allowing myself to be here as I humbly learn new and practical
things to help support me with. When facing learning something new there is
always an excuse building up to get me out of it, so that I don't have to place
myself in the position of "not knowing" as I have defined this
position as weakness and powerlessness in my mind, a position of asking for
help and looking at others as they are perceived in my mind as superior in
regards to a specific task, and then the fear of their superiority and my inferiority
being exposed as I ask them for help…
So, I've allowed myself to exist in this pointless loop of feeling
inferior for not knowing something but then not allowing myself to take the
practical steps as learning the task in order to equalize myself to it
effectively, thus justifying to myself the experience and self-belief of
inferiority, and this will go on endlessly until I stop.
Self-Forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for
not knowing how to do tasks that are new to me, and within that I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect of myself to know something
without walking the process of learning it, only to place myself in a position
of self judgment instead of realizing the simple practical common sense that
things need to be learnt, just as I have learn everything I am able to do in my
life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a state of
worry/frustration when I find myself facing a situation/task I am unfamiliar
with, that I expect myself to know off the bat, instead of realizing that
learning a task takes application within time and the worry/frustration is not
getting me any closer to that which I want to learn but rather pushing me away through
an emotional energetic reaction that I allow to manifest as resistance towards
that activity within the self-belief that I am incapable of doing the task due
to resisting the experience I allow myself to go into while approaching it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect from myself
to have everything come easy/naturally to me and within this expectation use it
as an excuse to not push through all that isn't easy/natural, within this I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be more than the
physical within expecting to be able to know everything without having to
practically-physically learn it, and thus when being faced with the reality of
physicality, that things need to be learn to be known, I go into inferiority
and resist approaching the task at hand to avoid facing myself as "not
more than the physical" as I desire/expect me to be
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by
pride, within this I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing myself to realize that pride is a mind made polarity
construct and thus can be used as a point of support to investigate what I am
resisting through shamefulness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is
shameful to ask for help, not realizing that asking for help is a physical
practical common sense application within this physical world, within this I forgive
myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate within self-honesty
the experience of shamefulness and instead have allowed myself to be directed
by/as it as it is the truth of me, not allowing myself to actually look at the
point and see within common sense if the shame is actually relevant or is just
a mind made illusion/manipulation to keep me trapped and limited within and as
my mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself
into believing I should have known something off the bat, creating expectation
within myself that leads to disappointment, only to then resist the task to
avoid the emotional reaction I have created within myself, when all along the
actual reason was based on realizing the time and effort necessary to learn it
and thus instead of admitting to myself that I do not want to put the time and
effort out of pure laziness within the desire to have it all easy, I have
convinced myself that I am inferior to the task and have allowed myself to go into
a state of emotional turmoil to avoid doing it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to quit before even
starting due to fear of failure within allowing myself to define myself
according to a perceived failure/success, instead of allowing myself to participate
and apply myself unconditionally within the physical
Self-Commitment Statements
I commit myself to allow myself to learn new tasks within the
understanding that learning new tasks takes time and practical physical
application, thus I commit myself to apply myself within the new task and to
stop all expectation and judgment within me because I realize I am allowing
myself through it to distract me and to push me away from walking the learning-process
through an emotional reaction creating resistance towards the task
I commit myself to stop myself as the mind within believing and
expecting non-realistic ideas and beliefs, but rather to stick to common sense
physicality, I commit myself to use the point of expectation/judgment as a
reference point showing me that I have "lost touch" with the physical
reality and thus push myself to find the practical common sense approach within
the specific situation
I commit myself to when facing the point of pride, to stop and breathe, I
realize that pride is a mind construct created as a polarity and that through pride
I commit myself to investigating the other side of the polarity I have created
as shamefulness, and within facing myself as the polarity of pride/shameful I commit
myself to see the point I am pushing myself away from and to stop myself and
investigate the physical practicality of the point within common sense
I commit myself to investigate any point of shamefulness for myself and
within physical practical common sense to find out what the point of shame is
showing me, within realizing that most of things I am ashamed of are based in a
cultural/social setting and thus was ever actually considered and investigated
by self but have been taken for granted and accepted by self through education given
by my parents/society
I commit myself to stop allowing myself to be directed by laziness, and within
this I commit myself to when realizing things/tasks take time and effort and I see
myself resisting them I stop and breathe, I commit myself to retune to the
physical within investigating the physical practical application that needs to
be done and push myself to do it regardless of the time it might take, within
realizing that moving in the physical takes time and effort, and thus by choosing
to be lazy I am making a deliberate choice to not move within/as the physical
I commit myself to stop myself from being directed by fear of failure
through realizing that fear of failure only exist as a mind manipulation, and
thus when facing fear of failure I stop and breathe and investigate the
physical practical steps that need to be taken, and commit myself to walking
them one by one until they are done, within allowing myself to ask for help and
find support within what is here to assist me within moving the point at hand
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