Sunday, September 9, 2012

Day 25 – Being a Beginner

Continuing the blog from yesterday: Day 24 – Cleaning table tops

Yesterday as I was doing my cleaning chores, I experienced a frustration and worry in regards to not knowing what I am doing, and not being good at it, within expecting myself to already know how it's done and be able to do it effectively.

I recognize such experiences from many other situations throughout my life, of being a beginner and resisting the process of having to go through the learning curve until the task/ability comes natural for me.

What I see within this is a point of pride, wanting to be seen as good and effective, being "a natural", looking at it as if it is shameful to ask for help or to go through a process of learning, thus I want and expect from myself to know how anything is done straight off the bat, or I lose interest in it or resist doing it within believing "it's not for me".

Another point I can relate this to is laziness, from the perspective of realizing that learning something new will take time, effort and practice, maybe even some struggle, and there is no immediate satisfaction, you have to work for it, and only after you have pushed through the point, will you see the result of your effort, and even that is uncertain.

This brings me to realize another point is the point of the unknown, meaning, I don't know for a fact that I will actually be able to do the task effectively within ease, I don't know if I will be good at it, I don't know how long it will take me to perfect it if at all…

Within a process of learning I see that I do not allow myself to learn unconditionally, I am learning in order to achieve something, there is a goal out there, and thus not knowing if I will make that goal creates inner friction within myself, thoughts like "is it worth it?" come up, "maybe I am just wasting my time learning this…" projecting myself into the future and trying to calculate the profit I would get through the action I am taking, and if I'm not sure I will make a profit I push away through resistance, not even knowing why I have changed my mind, or any other part of this inner process that I've allowed within myself to direct me.

Within this I see yet another point of fear of failure, what if I work hard and try but still will not succeed, or be judged, what if I am seen as a failure/looser for not knowing straight off the bat what/how to do something… all these point are intertwined and compounding each other, all lead to each other and are derived from each other, like feeding off each other to keep me trapped in the pattern of not allowing myself to learn.

Due to the resistance towards the experience of being a beginner I have limited myself from learning new tasks, and even when I do I cannot enjoy myself with all this back chat going on in my mind creating friction and worry instead of simply allowing myself to be here as I humbly learn new and practical things to help support me with. When facing learning something new there is always an excuse building up to get me out of it, so that I don't have to place myself in the position of "not knowing" as I have defined this position as weakness and powerlessness in my mind, a position of asking for help and looking at others as they are perceived in my mind as superior in regards to a specific task, and then the fear of their superiority and my inferiority being exposed as I ask them for help…

So, I've allowed myself to exist in this pointless loop of feeling inferior for not knowing something but then not allowing myself to take the practical steps as learning the task in order to equalize myself to it effectively, thus justifying to myself the experience and self-belief of inferiority, and this will go on endlessly until I stop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not knowing how to do tasks that are new to me, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect of myself to know something without walking the process of learning it, only to place myself in a position of self judgment instead of realizing the simple practical common sense that things need to be learnt, just as I have learn everything I am able to do in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a state of worry/frustration when I find myself facing a situation/task I am unfamiliar with, that I expect myself to know off the bat, instead of realizing that learning a task takes application within time and the worry/frustration is not getting me any closer to that which I want to learn but rather pushing me away through an emotional energetic reaction that I allow to manifest as resistance towards that activity within the self-belief that I am incapable of doing the task due to resisting the experience I allow myself to go into while approaching it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect from myself to have everything come easy/naturally to me and within this expectation use it as an excuse to not push through all that isn't easy/natural, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be more than the physical within expecting to be able to know everything without having to practically-physically learn it, and thus when being faced with the reality of physicality, that things need to be learn to be known, I go into inferiority and resist approaching the task at hand to avoid facing myself as "not more than the physical" as I desire/expect me to be

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by pride, within this  I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that pride is a mind made polarity construct and thus can be used as a point of support to investigate what I am resisting through shamefulness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is shameful to ask for help, not realizing that asking for help is a physical practical common sense application within this physical world, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate within self-honesty the experience of shamefulness and instead have allowed myself to be directed by/as it as it is the truth of me, not allowing myself to actually look at the point and see within common sense if the shame is actually relevant or is just a mind made illusion/manipulation to keep me trapped and limited within and as my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself into believing I should have known something off the bat, creating expectation within myself that leads to disappointment, only to then resist the task to avoid the emotional reaction I have created within myself, when all along the actual reason was based on realizing the time and effort necessary to learn it and thus instead of admitting to myself that I do not want to put the time and effort out of pure laziness within the desire to have it all easy, I have convinced myself that I am inferior to the task and have allowed myself to go into a state of emotional turmoil to avoid doing it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to quit before even starting due to fear of failure within allowing myself to define myself according to a perceived failure/success, instead of allowing myself to participate and apply myself unconditionally within the physical

Self-Commitment Statements
I commit myself to allow myself to learn new tasks within the understanding that learning new tasks takes time and practical physical application, thus I commit myself to apply myself within the new task and to stop all expectation and judgment within me because I realize I am allowing myself through it to distract me and to push me away from walking the learning-process through an emotional reaction creating resistance towards the task

I commit myself to stop myself as the mind within believing and expecting non-realistic ideas and beliefs, but rather to stick to common sense physicality, I commit myself to use the point of expectation/judgment as a reference point showing me that I have "lost touch" with the physical reality and thus push myself to find the practical common sense approach within the specific situation

I commit myself to when facing the point of pride, to stop and breathe, I realize that pride is a mind construct created as a polarity and that through pride I commit myself to investigating the other side of the polarity I have created as shamefulness, and within facing myself as the polarity of pride/shameful I commit myself to see the point I am pushing myself away from and to stop myself and investigate the physical practicality of the point within common sense  

I commit myself to investigate any point of shamefulness for myself and within physical practical common sense to find out what the point of shame is showing me, within realizing that most of things I am ashamed of are based in a cultural/social setting and thus was ever actually considered and investigated by self but have been taken for granted and accepted by self through education given by my parents/society

I commit myself to stop allowing myself to be directed by laziness, and within this I commit myself to when realizing things/tasks take time and effort and I see myself resisting them I stop and breathe, I commit myself to retune to the physical within investigating the physical practical application that needs to be done and push myself to do it regardless of the time it might take, within realizing that moving in the physical takes time and effort, and thus by choosing to be lazy I am making a deliberate choice to not move within/as the physical

I commit myself to stop myself from being directed by fear of failure through realizing that fear of failure only exist as a mind manipulation, and thus when facing fear of failure I stop and breathe and investigate the physical practical steps that need to be taken, and commit myself to walking them one by one until they are done, within allowing myself to ask for help and find support within what is here to assist me within moving the point at hand


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