Friday, September 21, 2012

Day 37 - Accepting abuse and then blowing up

I have a tendency to allow myself to take shit from people, I allow them to talk down at me and I accept it within a statement that "it's ok, I can take it" justifying it to myself from a perspective that if I react it means that they've hit a point of inferiority within me, and if I don't react it means that everything is cool with me, and they are walking their process and it's their problem/point/issue...

But within that, I haven't allowed myself to see that I am actually reacting within myself but because I didn't allow myself to be self honesty with myself I have not allowed myself to see the point as the reaction that I was experiencing, within not allowing myself to see the reaction I was experiencing due to being spoken down to I could not express it or deal with it in any way, and thus I have suppressed the reaction within myself while allowing it to quietly accumulate,  the outcome of this process is that I end up accumulating resistance towards the person and their expression until I've accumulated all that I can handle and I explode.

Through this, I will justify my acceptance within a belief/idea that I should be able to take any kind of shit from anybody without reacting. while my misunderstanding was that "not reacting" means not having an energetic movement within myself and thus being able to direct the situation within self support and support of the other, and it doesn't mean to simply not react externally while accumulating suppressed reactions inside... Which is what I now see that I've been doing...

What I see within this is that I am most definitely reacting to being put down by the other, but I am suppressing it and not expressing myself because I have judged myself within believing that I should be able to not react. And, another reason I "prefer" to suppress myself and not speak up is within a point of avoiding conflict, a point of fear of conflict, a fear of standing up within not accepting/allowing abuse so I'd rather soak it up, and just take it.

Within this pattern what ends up happening is that I accumulate the suppressed reaction within me and starting to build up spitefulness and blame towards the person, while feeling self righteous for not reacting when in fact I have been reacting internally all along but haven't allowed myself to express it, and I do this until a braking point where I can’t take it anymore and then I snap.

Snapping comes in many forms… I can snap externally, towards the person that I blame for talking down at me, or I can snap towards another person, from perspective of accumulating the feeling of inferiority and then to compensate and regain my lost power, I will express myself as superior towards an innocent third party in order to make them feel inferior so that  can "balance myself", or I can snap within myself within thinking spiteful/revenge  thoughts towards the person, or acting/behaving passive aggressive, not saying what is wrong directly, but implying something is wrong indirectly, manipulating the situation to revenge the pain caused upon me through causing pain to the other wherever/however I can.

I see within this point that I haven't taken self responsibility for my participation within the situation, I have allowed myself to be directed by my energetic reactions and further more I have allowed myself to suppress my reaction within self judgment due to believing I shouldn't be reacting and due to fear of conflict with the other being.

I have not allowed myself to be self honest with myself. Self honesty is firstly the ability to see/face myself for who I am and not to change/suppress myself based on an idea that I should be this or that… thus the first step is to clear myself form the judgment I have towards my reaction within the idea of what/how I should be. Within self honesty I must allow myself to see me for who I actually am, within/as how/when I react.

Then, after the reaction has passed through supporting myself within/as breath, I forgive myself as the reaction, I look at why I reacted, what definitions/ideas/self beliefs are being provoked, I investigate the point until I am satisfied that I've got it, until I know that I will not fall in it's trap again because I will recognize it and direct myself within/as it.

Self forgiveness on this point to come…


Anna Brix Thomsen said...

Awesome write out Maya. I can definitely relate to this idea that 'reacting means 'not showing it affects me' while one in fact internalize one's reaction - instead of in fact facing the reaction as self and releasing it'.

Very cool support here.

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