Showing posts with label self doubt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self doubt. Show all posts
Monday, May 13, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic
Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage
Day 194 - 21 days of self dedication – misusing the desteni process
Day 195 - 21 days of self dedication - part 5 – but I am still here
Day 196 -21 days of self dedication – part 6 - experience of isolation
Day 197 - 21 days of self dedication - self value - day 7
Day 198 - 21 days of self dedication - Self Value - self forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not taking advantage of the time I had on the farm
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project this judgment as a fear of others judging me for not being effective / accomplishing anything in the time I had here at the farm, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear meeting my family / friends when I return, in fear of being judged for how I spent / what I had done with my time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into emotional possession as an experience of fear / anxiety / worry towards meeting the people back home and facing their criticism / judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed with emotions as anxiety towards my return, instead of supporting myself in writing as to open up and see the point of self judgment being projected as the source of my emotional breakdown, and within this to apply self forgiveness in taking self responsibility to change in the points that require correction, and let go the points that are merely a mind created and false judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be effective in the time I had here at the farm, within not actually pushing myself in every moment to see / find / do something that will benefit me within self support
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instead of taking the time I had here at the farm, and making sure I use it as effective as I can, within realizing that time is only running in one direction, and that is out - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that time is not on my side from the perspective that every moment lost will never come back, and so, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to act from within this understanding that there isn't much time though there is much work to be done
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for wasting my time and the time of others here at the farm for taking the time in their day to give me all the support that I needed but I had take it for granted, expecting something to happen / change because they were supporting me, not accepting the fact that with all the support that I get, I must support myself and commit myself to myself and dedicate myself to myself in order for anything to happen / change in my world and experience / relationship of / with myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself, even here in this supportive environment, to be self honest, to communicate in self honesty, and instead I have put on an act, trying to always keep my cool, trying to always seem ok, and only when the energy build up was too much for me to handle would I uncontrollably explode with emotion - thus, not using this supportive platform effectively, in learning how to communicate to others in asking for support, and in learning how to support myself when I see so clearly that something is building up within myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and my time at the farm according to an idea of how it should have been to have been effective and supportive and within that I am not allowing myself to walk my own process here within seeing in self honesty what it had in fact been, not in relation to an idea but in simply in reality, and within seeing what actually was to learn form it, as appose to judge myself for it based to comparing myself to an idea
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see all the insights and realizations I have picked up at the time I spent in the farm, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not seeing / realizing, instead of simply leaving it as is, and within this allowing the realizations to come up from within me, and not from judgment / fear / expectation of the mind
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Wednesday, May 1, 2013
"writing is the dedicated action you take to structurally direct yourself to self trust and respect and value --its not just writing about anything--it is WHO you are when writing that counts" - Bernard Poolman
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to utilize structurally and consistently the tool of writing myself to freedom as well as self forgiveness, thus, not giving myself the opportunity to see, face, self realize and change myself, as I state in words that how much I want to but, in action I have not been pushing myself to live into the physical the words I speak / think.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to day after day imagine in my mind as future projection how I face myself, realize myself and change myself to stop with the emotional abuse that I have been accepting and allowing within / as myself, and instead learning to actually live as self trust, as a living stand within the principle equality and oneness within and without - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk the process of actually living this expression of self change, but instead I have only allowed myself to fantasize about it, while remaining who / what / how I am, giving myself and taking any excuse possible from small to large, instead of stopping the nonsense, taking a breath, and starting my process for myself, as myself, and in self dedication and honor.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience self doubt as I'm writing these lines, as I have written them many times before, as many times I have committed myself to myself in words, but them have not followed through in action - and thus, each time I fail my own self commitment to myself I doubt myself that much more, and now I ask myself how will I make this time any different? How will I actually stand by my commitment / decision, and actually walk this process of self writing, self investigation, to build and develop myself as self honesty and self trust? What has been the missing ingredient that if I just find it I will be more likely to stand by my word? - and once again, as I write I realize, the ingredient is me obviously.
I am the one who must decide, I am the one who must live to my commitment day by day, breath by breath, moment by moment, no one else can do this for me, no one can force me to do this, I am actually alone in this, if I don't do this for myself, if I give up on myself that is what will be, it is really only up to me - funny enough, I have been so busy running away from taking responsibility in every aspect of myself, and here I see that I am my responsibility weather I take it or not, but whatever I do, I will have to live with the consequences, so there is no escape route - but I've seen this before - I know, realize, see and understand that I am responsible for myself, for my experience, for my thoughts and behavior, for my suffering, for my self interest and accepted abuse, and I see that I cannot crawl into a cave and wait till this scene is over and join life after intermission - it's funny, because life is like the theatre in so many ways, but not from the perspective that it isn't, this is my one life, there are no second chances, there is no dress rehearsal, and there is no actual audience, we are all the actors and no one is looking at anybody but themselves.
So who am I acting for? Why am I not stopping this charade, and starting over, in humbleness, in self honesty, in self investigation to actually get to the bottom of myself and start over fresh?.... What and why am I holding onto myself - I mean, if I look at my days the part of which I am actually experiencing joy are minute, though I act like I am very joyful, why do I do that? And why am I accepting this as the only way to be, when I know what needs to be done, I know what I must do to support myself, yet I stand in the face of the choice, whether to support myself or not, and I choose not - why do I not care about myself enough to support myself unconditionally? Who will support myself if not me? Who will embrace me but myself? How will I ever be able to give to another that which I am not even able to give to myself? Is this the source cause of my isolation? Am I too afraid to open up to myself so I don't dare opening up to / with another?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself, instead of looking practically at whether I can do this or not, and I see that yes, daily writing is something that practically I can indeed commit myself to, and so, I let go the past memories of failing myself within this very commitment, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail myself within not standing by / as my commitment to myself to write daily, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself deliberately within not standing by my commitment / decision to write, and within this, I realize that the only way to stand as this commitment is by writing daily, there is nothing big / great / energetic / special about it, simply writing daily.
So, here I am , starting over, dedicating myself to putting my past failures behind me, to let them go as to not keep them from holding me back - I am here now, and I commit myself to write and support myself as much as I can, and more - as I realize that the points that I am not supporting myself are not valid, and must be investigated and corrected.
Ok - so here was day 1, only a life time to go….
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Thursday, March 21, 2013
this is a continuation of my previous blog:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
Day 177 - Not Pushing Myself
a must hear - Why do we not access our full potential? Why do we hold ourselves back?:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place the self forgiveness statement yet leave them "bare" and not complete them with the directive understanding, decision and commitment as to how I would change practically
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that only self forgiveness is not enough for self to change - one must actually walk the correction in the physical reality as the expression of self, whereas the self commitment statements allow one to see and prepare self as to how one would do so, within and through writing the point as a self corrective statements, one can see more points of reaction within self, and more specific details as to what / when / how / where one must do to correct oneself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to write self corrective statements within a starting point of not trusting myself that I will actually do them, and thus to exist within a self belief that I will let myself down and within this belief I do not push myself to even try because I fear failing myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self judgment for failing myself, and thus, instead of giving myself the opportunity to write the commitment and to see how I handle it, to then allow myself to learn about myself through whether I apply the correction or not - instead of allowing myself to try and learn from what I now perceive as a failure, I have not allowed myself to even try, and so I avoid the possibility of failing- but within this I destroy the possibility of actually changing
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that this is a process, and within this process I am preparing myself through the tool of writing of self forgiveness and corrective statements, and thus, when I go into self judgment for not applying the corrective statement I am participating in the mind within not trusting myself and the process as myself, and within expectations which only create another relationship and thus personality in regards to my own application, tying myself down to another pattern of thought / emotion / feeling / back chat, instead of releasing myself - and thus, within this I realize that I must walk this process without the burden of expectation, but within giving myself the time and dedicating myself to the application, as to do what I can do in the moment without the future projections as fear and expectation, that hinder my self application here.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have been writing commitments in self dishonesty, from the perspective of not writing commitments that I can in fact walk as who I am, but writing them as a future projection, as what I would commit myself to when / as I change - but, in order to "get there" I realize I must draw the map for myself and then walk it, and by drawing the next piece of the map, without walking where I am, is another form of self sabotage, because obviously I cannot walk where I am not - I can only walk from the point I am at.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be more than myself within writing commitments that are not aligned with where I actually am but rather with where I want to be, which on the one hand it's cool to know where I'm going, but on the other hand, in order to get there I must be willing to admit to where I am now without judging myself but simply within realizing and facing who / what / where I am at this very moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself within my process in writing commitment statements that do not reflect where I am at now and thus do not support me in walking from where I am here, but rather create a situation that I cannot walk the commitment as I am not "there" yet, and so I create frustration and resentment within myself towards myself my experience and my process - while all could have been prevented if I were to write within self honesty, within realizing this is a process, and committing myself to the process, to myself, to walk from where I am now, within allowing myself to see where I am now, and not within wanting to be someone / somewhere that I am not - as that is self dishonesty and creates consequences as inner conflict / friction
more on this point to come…
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Thursday, March 14, 2013
A must hear: 
Where does Self-Judgment come from – from the World around us, or from our own Imaginations?
Has your Self Image negatively influenced your life? Here we discuss How Self Judgment takes over every aspect of your Life, Thoughts and experiences.
Why would we say things to ourselves that we would never dare to say to another?
Why do we feel like we deserve to be punished through our own self judgment and how does the media contribute to this feeling?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a starting point of not being good enough, as a self doubt that I allow exist within and as me at all times, as a voice in my head doubting any idea / project telling me I am not good enough to do it to my satisfaction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and participate with the voice in my head telling me I am not good enough, and to direct myself accordingly as if this voice is speaking the truth of me, not allowing myself to question it, to investigate where did this thought as this voice in my head come from, where / how did this thought was created and why am I believing it unquestionably to be true.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, within believing myself to not be good enough, within existing in self doubt, to place myself in positions that I have defined as inferior such as being "the assistant" and thus, through placing myself in such positions to validate for myself my own self belief of not being good enough to lead / direct any situation / job / project, and thus exist within an endless loop of believing myself to be inadequate and placing myself in positions to prove myself right.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to brake this loop of self created inadequacy, through pushing myself to take responsibility - as in to deliberately place myself in a position that I must stand up from, that there is no one to lean on and that I must take responsibility and direct myself within it - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to brake this loop and prove myself wrong, and within this to start building myself up as self trust
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself and thus place myself in positions of inferiority, to then exist in inner conflict due to having sparks of clarity / insight which then, when I want to express and share, I feel like I can't, because I have limited myself in a position that I believe doesn't allow me to share / express myself as I have defined the position as being inferior / useless / unworthy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the position of being an assistant as less than / inferior, and thus allowing myself to exist as and participate in inequality, within believing the "head" is more valuable than the "rest of the body", believing some positions in a project are more valuable than others, and thus, i have defined myself according to the position I have placed myself in, within this, I forgive myself for not realizing that when doing so, I am looking only at a partial part of the loop I have existed within, as believing that I am experiencing myself as inferior due to the position I am in, when in fact I have defined the position as less than as a reflection of my own self created experience within allowing myself to exist as inferiority / self doubt as the beingness of myself, thus not realizing that I make the position rather than the position makes me - and thus, if I, within myself, believe and accept myself to be and exist as inferior then that is what I will make out of any position, whereas, if / when I change myself and stop allowing such self created self sabotaging beliefs to exist within and as me , no job / task / project will be too small for me because I will stand up within it and make it into that which I am - thus, if a job / task / project seems small it is merely showing me that I am allowing myself to believe myself to be small - as showing me back to myself rather than reflecting on the job, my relationship / judgment towards the job is reflecting myself to see myself, to be able to forgive myself / correct myself / change myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as I'm writing these words and statements, resist writing, within fear of change, as I fear taking self responsibility I fear daring to stand up and stop deliberately placing myself in positions that don't require / expect me to take responsibility and to stand up as a leader of the project, and thus, within accepting this fear as who I am, within believing this fear to indicate some form of truth of me, I allow it to direct me as resistance towards writing, as a resistance towards change - though, I realize that this fear must be investigated in order for me to understand it, to become clear in regards to why the hell have I allowed myself to exist within and as this fear all my life - and within understanding it change will be possible - thus I realize that it isn't about changing myself from where I am now as fear into a self responsible self directive being that still holds on to the fear yet pushes through - as that seems impossible, like jumping into fire - it's about investigating the fear and within understanding the fear, it's source, how I created it, to realize that the fear isn't real, and through this self honest realization, not as knowledge but as real realization, I will more easily be able to let the fear go - I say this because from where I am now not fearing seems impossible, but it's because I haven't yet investigated the fear, once I do, I will know more clearly how to direct myself within it, or shall I say, direct myself to get out of it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as fear
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility within fear of failure
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief that failure is real, not realizing that failure is invented as an idea to create fear, and thus the two loop around each other, one creating the other, both an illusion that I am bringing to life through my acceptance and participation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking the lead, to fear taking responsibility of a project within believing that I am not good enough and that there must be someone else that will do a better job, and I should just back them up as their assistant rather than doing it on my own
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this approach is indicating I am humble and modest, when in fact it is not within a starting point of humbleness but rather of a starting point of fear and self diminishment, as humbleness would be to take responsibility and accept the lead of any project, but if someone else comes forth that may be more qualified then in humbleness I will back down and learn from them, rather then what I have been doing is on the one hand not taking the lead / responsibility in fear of failure, and then "allowing" someone to take the lead while actually using them as a cover up for my deliberate avoidance of the task.
within this, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent those that end up taking the lead, as they are reflecting to me that which I am not allowing myself to be, and thus within resentment I exist in competition, but it is a battle I allow myself to lose to then believe myself to have given up the "thrown" in humbleness - talk about self delusion.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself into believing I am a "good person" for letting others take the lead, not allowing myself to see that I have been avoiding taking the lead / responsibility in fear and self doubt, and thus I have created an illusion of myself being humble / good person as to justify and validate my avoidance of taking the lead, instead of facing myself for who I am in self honesty and allowing myself to see that I am not humble nor am I good, I am allowing myself to exist in and be directed by fear - this allowance makes me un trustworthy as I am not allowing myself to be the directive principle of / as myself and thus within not being the self directive principle I am allowing myself to be unpredictable as I am motivated by energy as fear and desire instead of directing myself clearing and steadily within alignment to the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all life, including myself.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
for context please read my previous blogs:
Day 160 – A life changing Decision
Day 161 - Shame - I've done nothing with my life
Day 162 - Running ahead of myself
Day 163 - Running ahead of myself - Self forgiveness
Day 164 - Enslaved to Memories - Failed opportunity relived
Day 165 - Enslaved to Memories – Correction
Day 166 - Enslaved to Memories - Money and Morality
Day 168 - Falling like a leaf, or following your self direction - what do you chose?
Day 169 - Decisions, decisions...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making decisions with accepting and allowing myself to exist as self doubt, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer that others make decisions for me
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to make my own decisions, and thus, exist within an accepted experience that I don't know what to do / decide and that I am helpless in face of the decision needed to be made
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I do in fact know what I want to / should do, but I have hidden this from myself in self separation within accepting and allowing myself to exist as self judgment, and thus, instead of allowing myself to see in self honesty what it is that I want to / should do, I hide myself from myself and turn to others to help / assist me make my decision, within a hope that they will approve / validate that which I wanted to do to begin with, thus showing myself that I do in fact know within myself what it is that I want to do / decide, yet I will not allow myself to admit to it and stand by it as myself, in fear of failure / judgment
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand by / as that which I want to do / decide, and instead I turn to others to ask for their help / assistance in making a decision, and so, within the desire / expectation that they will approve / validate that which I wanted to do but wouldn't admit that I know what it is that I want, I will react to their assistance / advice as if they validate me I will experience a relief, as a positive experience, within reaching a hidden agreement between that which they say and that which I knew I wanted all along, and on the other hand, if they give me advice that invalidates / contradicts that which I wanted to do / decide but would admit to myself, I will react in irritation / anger as I experience myself now more confused and more self doubting, within this I realize that both scenarios are within a starting point of self sabotage, because I actually know what it is that I want to / should do, but will not admit to myself, and thus exist in accepted and deliberate separation of / from myself, and within that expect / desire for others to validate me so that through their validation I can believe in myself, gain self confidence and make the decision - but within this I am enhancing the pattern of self doubt, creating a dependency on what others say / think, and creating friction and conflict when they are not aligned with what I want to or believe I should do.
I see here 3 problems -
1. I do not trust myself and rather trust the opinion / judgment / perspective of others - participating within this construct / pattern will in time greaten the self doubt and will make it harder and harder for me to stand up within myself and trust myself to make decisions.
2. when I ask for help / assistance, if I am validated, I am giving away the opportunity of questioning my decision, as I blindly accept their advice due to it being aligned with my initial want / desire / opinion, and so within being validated I experience a positive energetic experience and allow myself to stop the investigation of considering all options and looking at the bigger picture - thus, instead of taking responsibility for my decision I place the responsibility on the fact that it has been agreed upon, even without discussion - within this I see that there is a possibility to present the problem / decision in such a way to manipulate others into saying that which I want to hear - and so, this whole scenario is problematic and cannot be trusted.
3. when I ask for help / assistance and my initial want is not validated, I react, I go into a negative energetic experience as my self doubt is enhanced, I may lash out at the being for not supporting my hidden desire as I have been secretive about it due to not admitting to myself that I do in fact know what I want to / should do, and so, within reaction I will either let go my initial decision without further investigation, or I will hold onto it in spite - either way I am acting within reaction to the experience of being rejected / invalidated.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask for assistance in making a decision, within a starting point of manipulation and deceit, where I do not expose what I had come to within myself and thus am asking from a starting point of seeking validation and confirmation, instead of asking for assistance within sharing all that I had come to and asking for further perspective in order to get clarity of the point, as to maybe there are aspects I didn't take into consideration, this way I am not asking the other to decide for me but rather asking for assistance in considering all points in order to come to a clear decision on my own, for and as myself
Within this I realize that when I ask for assistance / advice I must first come to realize and understand what it is that I want or believe I should do, and within that clarity ask for assistance while exposing that which I see as to prevent my participating with manipulation, and this way, within hearing what the other has to say I can be more clear about any resistance that may come up and thus address it effectively, as a pose to hiding that which I see within myself and go into an argument with the other for not validating me, while they are in the dark so to speak, as I ask them for advice and now I am attacking them for not giving me what I wanted to hear. And thus abusing their assistance.
When and as I ask for advice / assistance / help in coming to a decision, I commit myself to first lay out all the points for myself and to allow myself to admit to that which I see should be my decision, then as I ask for assistance I share all that I see with the other so that they can have a clear perspective of what I am walking so that they can share more considerations that I may have missed - within this, when and as I see myself going into reaction as to what is being said, I stop myself and breathe, I investigate the point of reaction as I realize it indicates a point I am been hiding from myself as avoiding facing the point, thus, I look at the point in self honesty and forgive myself for the resistance / reaction from a starting point of clearing the point up in order to be able to see clearly and reconsider my decision now with the new consideration placed due to the assistance from the other
When and as I ask for assistance and receive the confirmation I was seeking, I push myself, through the assistance of the other, to play the devils advocate, as to allow myself to see if there are any points I am still missing, and so to not go into positive experience due to the validation of the other, but to use it as a platform to better understand the situation, as to allow myself to come to a clear and well rounded decision.
Within this I realize that I can do this procedure on my own, through writing, and thus I realize that asking for help in making a decision is but a stepping stone in building self trust, though it is not necessary, as through playing the devils advocate to my own decision making I can within self honesty see all the points, and through the assistance and support of self forgiveness walk through the resistances that I see coming up, allow myself to see the points of desires and fears that are masking the physical actuality of the situation, and come to make the decision on my own and for myself, within self trust.
I see here that I have been leaning on others to help me come to decisions that I am capable of coming to on my own, and I realize that each time I do so I weaken myself and validate the accepted self doubt, and thus sabotaging myself and my stand, instead of taking a moment, and writing the point out, allowing myself to admit to that which I want to or believe I should do, allowing myself to investigate the point in self honesty, to see where do I fear judgment or am directed by perceived expectations, and where am I limiting myself in fear or desire - here I utilize the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all, and check if my decision is in alignment to this principle, thus giving myself an anchor, as a direction, in which if I follow I know I cannot be "wrong", within this realizing that my ability to see what is best for all is as limited as I allow it to be, as limited as I allow myself to be, and thus I realize that this too will be a process of expansion, but in order to walk the process I must start with where I am at, thus to allow myself, in self honesty, to be where I am at, to from here step forward, and in each step build myself up as self trust, stand up within myself, expand as I allow myself to express myself and stand responsible to face the outcomes / consequences of my actions / participations.
I realize that if I am to change, I must allow myself to step out of my comfort zone, and explore new territory so to speak, and within this, allow myself to fall, yet if I fall in awareness I can learn and expand from every fall and through it, stand up stronger within myself.
Please consider investing in the interviews done about decision making - here are the links:
Decision Making 101 (Part 1) - Reptilians - Part 156
Thursday, February 21, 2013
for context please read my previous blogs:
Day 160 – A life changing Decision
Day 161 - Shame - I've done nothing with my life
Day 162 - Running ahead of myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run ahead of myself, as to project into the future, in my mind ideas / imaginations / fears, to then believe them as reality while not realizing that reality is here, in the physical and not a projection of a future that hasn't happened, and is a mere reflection of my imagination / fears / desires.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run ahead of myself as instead of remaining here in breath - remaining here in breath through making decisions and living them in the physical reality as reality unfolds
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard what is actually here by existing in my mind, as living in an illusion, of a self created movie scene representing what I desire and fear, creating an energetic reaction as excitement or anxiety, accumulating the energy to then, when reality unfolds, react to it and not stand stable as breath
I realize that participating in future projections is self sabotage, because I am, by doing so, building up the energetic charge within myself in relation to the future projection as desire and fear, and then when reality unfolds I experience conflict / friction or satisfaction, all mind energetic experiences, and thus creating the path for myself to become possessed by the mind's energy, instead of remaining here in breath, not building up and accumulating energy through future projections, to then, whatever reality brings forth, walk in stability, because I would have not attached energy in expectation or anxiousness to be enslaved to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak about the future and share my future projections as if they were real, and by doing so, dragging those around me in my illusions, not taking into consideration the consequences of not only deluding myself, but also deluding those around me, not considering them at all, but rather using them as a platform to entertain my future projections, as I make them an audience to my future show
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by sharing my future projections I am giving them that much more power over me, as I have given myself as my future projections an audience, within this I realize that I must "control myself, as to when I see myself going into future projections, to stop myself and breathe, and to not entertain myself as the mind by sharing these ideas because it makes them physical in a way, and thus gives them more power over me, as I have now exposed them and others know of them, thus, as self support, I commit myself to refrain from sharing with others my future projections / ideas / imaginations, and make a point of remaining physical and practical within my words, as to support myself and them, through speaking the truth, as the reality of what is here, and not to speak the illusions of my mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, through out my day, as I do physical activities, instead of being here in breath, to be in my mind as future projections, as I imagine what I will say, what I will ware, how things will be, I imagine my experience within it, I separate myself completely from myself here, from reality, and embark in a journey into my mind
I realize that this is an addiction, because if it was not, it would be easy to stop it in the moment - today, as I was working in the garden, I stopped myself over and over again, saying to myself "NO!!" each time I saw myself going into the thoughts / imaginations - as I was stopping myself over and over I became frustrated and helpless, but then I realized that is also but a mind trick, because there is no point in giving up to helplessness, and yes, I will have to stop myself many many times before the thoughts stop coming up - I have given them so much energy through out my life, it will take time and persistence to stop them, to have their energy dissipate - thus, I realize that it's not a matter of giving up, but simply a matter of making the decision and sticking to it - thus, I commit myself to stop myself in breath, when and as I see myself going into my mind as future projections, imaginations, ideas, and within stopping to forgive myself and not allow myself to create and hold on to any self judgment, and to simply stop as many times as it takes, until it is done.
When I realize / see I'm in my mind, I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here to what I am physically busy with, I focus on my breath, I focus on my physical body
Within this, I commit myself to investigate the points that keep coming up, because I realize they are showing me back to myself, as representing a relationship within me towards myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into future projections in regards to starting a business, within planning and imagining what I will say / do / ware, I realize this indicates a point of not trusting myself, as I exist within a belief / experience, that I must plan ahead, even though, once again, the point isn't here, from perspective that I am not, for instance, at the mall, buying cloths for work - I am working in the garden and anything that isn't in direct relation to what I am doing now, in the garden is irrelevant - I realize that within participating in that which is irrelevant I am showing myself a point of anxiety, based on not trusting myself to be able to handle life as it comes my way, and thus believe I am preparing myself through future projections
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to be able to handle whatever comes my way, through remaining here, breathing in stability - I realize this lack of self trust in regards to work is created through memories I am still holding onto within myself and giving value to and defining myself through.
In my next blog I will open up these memories, and will walk them through in self forgiveness to free myself from their hold of me, or actually my hold on them, so that I can learn from the past rather than being enslaved to it.
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Sunday, November 4, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
I start with the fear dimension, as what are the fears that come up within me, in regards to being corrected and being told what to do:
Fears
I fear making a mistake/failing/being wrong
I fear being seen by others as wrong/stupid/slow/bad at what I'm doing
I fear not being seen as good/awesome/smart/competent and instead being seen as everybody else - not special
I fear others thinking they are more than me
I fear authority / I fear confronting authority
I fear disappointing others as they "expected more from me"
I fear being seen as someone who slacks off
I fear being caught of cutting corners or not caring about doing a great job
I fear being yelled at or upset with or punished
I fear being someone's slave, as in being in a position of having to do what another tells me to do
I fear being taken advantage of, being manipulated in doing someone else's job/responsibility
I fear losing the self definitions of how I see myself as good/smart/competent/special/extraordinary/unique
I fear making a mistake:
Self Forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making mistakes, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define a mistake as something bad instead of seeing it as a gift, as something I can learn from and expand from, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for making mistakes within an expectation and self definition of myself to do everything good/perfect, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can/should do everything good/perfectly without allowing myself to see the physical process of learning as a path to get to doing something good/perfect and within that, as not allowing myself to see that doing something effectively takes a process of accumulation as practice, I have limited myself within the fear of making mistakes and thus not allowing myself to enjoy participating in anything that I do not yet do effectively/good/perfect, and within that have created resistance towards activities that I do not yet do good/effectively/perfect, instead of allowing myself to be here, without fear/resistance towards mistakes and thus allow myself to enjoy making mistakes within the realization that that it is an opportunity of growth/expansion
I commit myself, when I see myself making a mistake, to stop myself within breath, to take a moment to myself to see the mistake and take it in as myself, to accept myself as the mistake, I commit myself to within allowing myself to accept myself as the mistake to see the point of correction/expansion, I commit myself to stopping any judgment/ego that come up when I see myself making a mistake through breathing and bringing myself back to here, the physical body/reality, as I've realized/seen that the judgment that is based on expectation is limiting me through beliefs/definitions of what/how I should be and thus not allowing myself to be equal to who I really am in the moment, and within this I commit myself to allow myself to learn/expand/correct/perfect myself in my application through accepting myself as/within mistakes, and within that to direct myself within every breath and every activity I participate within/as to that which is best for all, without any limitation of fear of making a mistake, simply allowing myself to practically walk the steps and correct myself as I go along
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others when they make a mistake and hold it against them as a memory within myself so that I can use it against them if I ever need to within a starting point of competition/ego/self interest, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the fear/resistance I have towards mistakes is an outflow/result/consequence of how I allow myself to judge/treat others when I "catch" them making a mistake, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my judgment/behavior towards other's mistake is indicating/showing to me my fears, and within that how I judge/define them as they make a mistake is how I define myself within a mistake, which I then fear of facing my own definition of mistake which I fear, because I have defined it within a construct of competition and having to prove one self in order to be worthy of life, instead of defining it within alignment with life as a word/definition that can support us as life to create a world worth living in for all equally and thus stopping the separation from "mistake" as I use it within a context of self support, and thus not judge others and use it against them from a starting point of power/ego/self interest, but rather support myself and them as myself to grow/expand as we correct ourselves into perfection one mistake at a time, one breath at a time.
I commit myself to stop myself within breath when I see myself judging others for what I perceive is as making a mistake, I commit myself to support others as myself within realizing a mistake as a point of growth/expansion and thus not a point of judgment as "bad" to be hold against them within self interest as competition/ego/doubt, I commit myself to investigate my reactions towards other people making mistakes and to within looking at the specific judgments coming up within me as blame turn it back to self and investigate how I react towards myself in the same way as judgment/blame/doubt, I see within this a point of building doubt towards the accumulated mistakes thus, I commit myself to through redefining "mistake" as a point of self support and not as a bad thing to stop myself from holding on to memories of mistakes as accumulating bad points that build up as doubt, and instead to build up points of realization and accumulate mistakes as building block for expansion as building self trust within myself and as support for others building self trust within themselves, I commit myself to embrace myself as/within mistakes and thus to embrace others within their mistakes and to will/push myself to find the source/cause/reason of the mistake as cutting corners/dislike the task/ineffective communication/misunderstandings/lack of time and within investigating the cause of the mistake to find points of correction within/through writing/self forgiveness/corrective statements and to insure the source/cause is dealt with and resolved
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in fear of seeing/facing myself as a mistake, and thus I react when others point out my mistakes, thus allowing myself to be limited within fear to the definition I have created as mistake as myself, within this I forgive myself for not allowing myself to face myself as what I fear most and see within that that I can stand from it, instead of fearing it and believing my fear and thus always being directed/limited by the fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto my pride as self definition of myself and not allow myself to be humble as to accept myself as/within mistake. Within holding on to pride as myself, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie/manipulate/deceive/blame to get myself out of a position of admitting to a mistake, and thus having to put my pride aside, as I have defined pride as powerful/stable and I fear losing my power/stability and being weak, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define power/weakness according to making mistakes, not realizing that the real power is within self honesty, and in standing within self responsibility and facing all/any mistakes and learning from them into self correction/perfection
I commit myself, through writing, self forgiveness, and self commitments within the support of breath, to stop myself from participating with fears as I allow myself to be directed by them, I commit myself to investigate my reactions/behavior/thoughts/emotions in regards to making mistake and the fear that come along with them, and to through breathing and investigating the self definitions that I have defined myself as that I fear losing through making a mistake to stop my participation within/as my fears and to stand as what is best for all in every breath. I commit myself to expose the abuse and limitation created by participating in the fears that come up in regards to making mistakes as I limit my application within/as fear, as I lie/manipulate/blame to hide my mistakes within fear, as I go into spitefulness within/as fear as self defense for fear of losing my image I work so hard to build, as I hold on to others mistakes within the self created competition as survival of my ego, as I am fighting for my pride within self interest as my ego and not standing up for life within expanding myself humbly through making mistakes, I commit myself to build self honesty through allowing myself to humbly accept myself within/as mistakes, and to stop myself within as breath when I see myself acting from a starting point of pride to defend myself when in fact I have made a mistake that needs correction, thus I commit myself to breathe before answering, to stabilize myself within/as myself and to within accepting myself as the mistake to humbly see what I can do to fix/change/correct it within taking self responsibility for who/what I am and how/what I have done
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use mistakes as a justification, as proof of my unworthiness/inferiority and thus within each mistake I make or am called on I prove to myself as justifying the defining myself as unworthy/inferior that hides beneath the "positive" self definition I try to maintain, as if every mistake accumulates as I'm building a case against myself, as I accumulate mistakes as memories to hold onto against myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself the self definition of being completely useless, ineffective, unworthy of life, within the belief that if I hide it from myself I will not have to face seeing myself in such an unpleasant way, and thus exist within inner conflict as two contradicting self definitions, of good/bad, living as a polarity of self definitions hiding the dark/low/bad sides I believe myself to be and put all my energy in expressing/presenting/believing myself to be good and hide the bad/low/dark/evil side from everyone including myself, thus when making a mistake the dark self definition within me is activated and thus inner conflict is manifested as a "bad" experience of being corrected, but within this I haven't allowed myself to realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up a fear towards these hidden characters as self beliefs to come up through my actions and the judgments of others as they see me make mistakes and define me, in my eyes, as useless, ineffective and unworthy of life for making mistakes and not proving myself other wise through being perfect, within this I have allowed myself to exist within total separation of myself, as I have split myself into several self definitions as polarity good/bad, and have hidden some of these self definitions from myself as I judge them and fear others to see them and judge them, and I have allowed myself to create through this layers of deception as I present myself in a specific way, instead of stopping within the realization that all these self definitions do not actually define who/what I am as life, and are only limiting my self as self expression, creating a wall between me and myself as I don't accept myself unconditionally as I believe I need to prove to myself my worthiness through being perfect based on an idea/belief that by making mistakes I am justifying the one side of the self definition polarity, the side which I am ashamed of within believing it to be me
and so I commit myself to let go of all self definition I hold towards myself and others as I realize it is the cause of much friction and conflict, within and without, I commit myself to stop looking for ways to justify to myself my self definition wither good/bad, as I let go all self definition, due to realizing the vast extent of limitation/abuse within self definition, wither good/bad, thus I allow myself to peel the layers of self definition trough breath, within self honesty, and to recreate myself as life, not as definition, and to push myself to align myself with reality as the physical and not the judgment/self definitions of the mind
I commit myself to stop justifying to myself why I am worthless/useless/inferior, I commit myself to when I see myself going into self diminishment I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here to/as my physical body, I don't allow myself to participate in thoughts of self diminishment and thus I commit myself to when making mistakes taking them as empowering and not as an excuse of further self diminishment, changing how I use mistakes from a starting point of self abuse to a starting point of self support
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Wednesday, October 10, 2012
continue from previous blogs:
Day 51 – Blame character – Part 1
Day 52 - Blame character - Part 2 - Reacting to Tonality - Self Forgiveness
Day 53 - Blame character - Part 3 - Reacting to Tonality - Self Commitments
Day 54 - Blame Character - Part 4 - Being Repeatedly Attacked – Self Forgiveness
Day 55 - Blame Character - Part 5 - Being Repeatedly Attacked - Self Commitments
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that the blame character is in fact a protection mechanism designed to protect myself as the characters I have created myself as within/as the mind, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that within participating within/as blaming I am enslaving myself to the mind, not allowing myself to see what is actually here as the physical as life, not allowing myself to see my power within self responsibility, but only limiting myself through my participation within/as blame
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as a slave to others and thus blame them for enslaving me, while not allowing myself to see my self responsibility within my participation within/as the situation and within that to not allowing myself to see that I am enslaving myself to the other being, to the situation and to the mind, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as enslaved as an accepted way of being, instead of realizing myself as equal to the other being, the situation and the mind and within/through realizing myself as equal to stop all experience of enslavement within realizing that enslavement as an experience exist only through my participation/creation of it, and is an indication of allowing myself to exist as unequal, within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as unequal while justifying it to myself because I see myself as the lesser party, not realizing that both sides are equally responsible for any inequality, and thus by accepting myself as the lesser/inferior I am accepting the other side of the polarity as superior/enslaver/abuser to exist within my personal experience and the world as a whole
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within an experience of enslavement, not realizing that by participating with the experience I am in fact giving my permission to remain enslaved to/as the mind, instead of stopping myself within breath, and bringing myself back to the physical, using the physical reality as a light house, lighting the way for myself back to self, as the physical as what is real, and not allow myself to be directed by the mind within/as the temptation to follow it, because I have realized that following the mind is exactly how I have enslaved myself, within the temptation to get the energetic highs and lows, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself through existing as enslavement within allowing myself to be directed by the addiction of high/low energy that I have created myself as
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer living as an energetic experience and by that to compromise myself as life, instead of allowing/willing myself to go through a process of withdraw, as giving up the energetic addiction generated by the mind as I participate with back chat such as blame, and through/within breath, rebirth myself as life, here, as the physical, as equal to all beings, as life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing slavery to exist through my allowance of enslavement as the experience of myself within participation in the mind, thus I forgive myself to accept and allow enslavement to exist, though, to express my disapproval of slavery while still allowing myself to exist of the salve as the mind, thus
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand as a living example to stopping all enslavement through stopping the enslavement I have allowed/accepted as myself
I commit myself to live as a living example, of a being that is walking a process of self change, to not accept slavery from both within and without, as I realize that as above so below, thus I realize that as long as I participate within enslavement as myself I am giving my permission for enslavement to exist in all/any other dimensions within the world
I commit myself to walk a daily process of bringing myself back to life, through writing as a tool to expose/investigate myself, to be able to see how I have created myself within/as blame and all other characters I have defined myself as, to through writing allow myself to see the hidden constructs that I have created myself as but have allowed myself to integrate them as myself to such a degree that I have forgotten I have ever created them as myself, and thus have lost power/control over then and thus have allowed myself to become enslaved to them, I commit myself to forgive myself point by point by point for all the characters/back chat/hidden mind that I have allowed myself to exist as and through self corrective statements to draw myself a road map of how to get out of this mess that I have created, and never allow myself to recreate it again
I commit myself to when/as I see myself participating in the energetic experience of enslavement, to stop myself within breath, to remind myself that I am the creator of each and every experience I participate with and thus I am both sides of the coin, as the enslaved and the enslaver, thus I remind myself of the realization that I have the power to stop such experiences, and through breath I support myself to stop
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Saturday, September 29, 2012
But, instead of stopping myself within/as the mind, instead of taking the hint and standing up within rage to face myself as how I have allowed myself and the world to reach this point of abuse and self distraction, instead of standing up within the self commitment to change myself into a being that actually supports oneself and all life as myself within equality because I realize that nothing will ever change if even I can't change, instead of pushing myself to become a being of dignity, integrity and self respect… Instead of all that, I go into depression, I hide from myself deeper and deeper in my mind's deepest cave, as if hoping, that maybe, deep in the cave, self honesty will not find me.
Within this i realize the silliness of it all. Self honesty is all around me showing me the problems as they exist in the world, showing me all that needs correction, showing me how I am responsible and showing me what I got to do to change… I hide within depression hoping that self honesty as life won't find me… Is that a joke?… Self honesty is within me as me, and is all around me, everywhere in reality, self honesty is reality in fact, the physical reality, thus it cannot be escaped... So how the hell do I expect to hide from myself as life as the physical reality as self honesty? It’s simply not possible!!
One cannot hide from oneself within self honesty, self is always here. One cannot hide, but can only postpone the inevitable, the inevitable being death, and I don't know yet what exactly happens at or after death because I haven't yet been there myself, but what I'm pretty sure about is that one stops existing within ones physical body, thus, anything you require your body to do (which is every damn thing as far as I know) you better do before your death, and since we don't know when death will be knocking at our doors, we better do it NOW.
So, I see that I am using depression to hide from myself and not take self responsibility, I realize that I have been using depression to try and avoid myself because I know within self honesty that I am not applying myself as I am able to in order to be satisfied with myself from perspective that in death I can stand within myself and face whatever judgment day that comes my way.
This is what I've seen so far as a general construct of depression, now I want to look further in specificity, to see what are the points within me that trigger this construct. One trigger point is the self judgment of being worthless as I've written in yesterday's blog, and here I will write about the point of the dependency I have on positive reinforcement.
There is within me a desire to be special/unique/one of a kind/the best/important/valuable/good… as long as I am reassured by people in my environment, that I am one or all of these aspects/definitions then I am "OK", which really means that with each positive reinforcement i get a hit of high/positive energy to keep me going within/as the addictions to happy/sweet/good feelings that come along with the high/positive energy. But if I don’t get it, I feel lacking and immediately allow myself to go into the polarity of believing I must be bad/unworthy/worthless/ ordinary/wrong…
Within this point of positive reinforcement I see that I require validation from others in order to assess myself, within that, when I don't get from others the positive energetic rush I am looking for through validating me, I will crash/fall into the other side of the polarity within believing that since I didn't get the positive feedback I must be the negative.
through opening this construct up, I am able to see many points I have been participating within: I've allowed myself to exist within/as polarities, to be addicted to the good/positive energetic reactions as feelings, to define myself according to a polarity construct and to define myself according to how others perceive/judge me, and thus to not only judge myself based on a polarity but to base that judgment on what I perceive others think of me or judge me for.
Through my participation within/as this construct of dependency on positive reinforcement, I have been allowing self abuse, self diminishment and self sabotage, instead of allowing the "negative feelings" to show myself back to myself in self honesty as self support, within realizing: "ho fuck, I am participating in polarity, I am allowing myself to be a slave to emotions/feelings, I am allowing myself to be addicted to positive/sweet energetic experiences and thus am allowing myself to be manipulated and manipulate others to satisfy this addiction, I am defining myself according to what others think of me or judge me for"…. I have not allowed myself to see all this as a point of self realization as self support, I have not allowed myself to stop myself within/as breath, I have not allowed myself to commit myself to never again accept myself as self abuse through stopping myself within participating with these construct/patterns… I have not allowed myself to face myself but instead I have allowed myself to fall into depression within believing the negative feelings to be "true" while not realizing that I am making it true only through my participation within it.
Self Forgiveness & Corrective Statements in the following blogs
Thursday, September 27, 2012
I've written about this point before and I've seen that the high value I place on sleep is essentially a sign of depression, through escaping myself as life within my daily responsibilities.
Yesterday I was told I have an expression of sadness in my eyes, it took me by surprise because I try to present myself as a happy expression, so it is surprising when people can see through the mask and into the deeper me.
I’ve never allowed myself to explore that point because I have always feared falling into depression, I always knew it was there but have been resisting opening that box up, due to the fear of what I might find in it… and even worse, what if I can't close/clear/ignore the content of the box, and will stay in a state of depression for ever…
When I was about 16 years old I learnt that my grandmother had suffered from depression all her life, I think that it might have been the cause for the fear, because it's known to be hereditary and thus I was worried that if I just trigger it in any way, and let it show it's head, it will have me, I will be lost in depression.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to be able to see/face myself as sadness/depression and accordingly correct and change myself while remaining stable within and as myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to explore myself as sadness/depression within fear of not being able to control/handle it and thus within fear of remaining depressed forever, within this i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust me to be here as breath, within the understanding that i am the creator of depression within/as myself and thus i have the ability to assist and support myself to stand, as I’m the directive principle as the one that decide who I am in every moment of ever breath, within this i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the story/situation of my grandmother onto myself and thus create a fear within me in regards to someone else's experience
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear falling into depression, and within that to create myself as a happy character, as a mask to hide any sign of sadness behind, and thus to suppress myself through not allowing myself to see myself as sad, instead of allowing myself to face myself as who I am in each moment within realizing that my experience is the consequence of who I have allowed myself to be, and thus only through allowing myself to face myself can I see the point within its source/origin and change myself accordingly as self correction to support myself as life, within this i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by hiding myself from myself I am living as self suppression within fear and allowing the source point to accumulate uninterrupted, as I go along deceiving myself into believing I am happy because I have become so used to my happy character that I have created
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate sadness within/as myself instead of allowing myself to within self honesty face each point/experience as it appears in the moment, to be able to see it, breathe through it, walk the correction and "be done with it", instead of suppressing it within not allowing myself to step out of my happy character, not allowing myself to admit and see/face the point of pain/sorrow within me due to fear of what i might find, and self doubt in regards to not trusting myself to be able to stay stable here within/as breath within opening up such points
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into sadness/depression when thinking of all the abuse going on in the world and knowing I have been living my life ignoring all the pain/abuse/suffering because I was "lucky" to be born in a supportive environment, and thus I feel guilty for not having to suffer when others do, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into sadness/guilt/depression as a way of self deception to bring myself to a form of being paralyzed as a way to excuse myself from doing all in my ability/power to do to change reality so that no one needs to suffer ever again
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into depression as my way to get myself out of the game, so to speak, as a way to excuse myself from having to do anything because I am sad/depressed. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the social acceptance where being sad/depressed is a treated as an illness as if one cannot function at top of ones ability due to accepting sadness/depression to take over as mind possession, and thus being sad/depressed has been used by myself and society as an excuse to not take responsibility
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be sad/depressed within fear of being alone, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone and within that to create dependencies on other beings in my environment, to then when thinking about not being around them any more I become sad/depressed within/as fear being alone, as well as fear of loss
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that fear of loss as well as fear of being alone are mind created fears, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop my participation with fear of loss as well as fear of being alone and to thus allow myself to be directed by the fears within creating a dependency on others, only to, when thoughts of the future within the possibility of losing them come up, allow myself to go into sadness/depression, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value my thoughts as future projections/fear more than life, here in the moment as the physical, and to thus compromise myself as life here, to entertain myself as thoughts in the mind, to create energetic reactions within me, to then be directed by the energy and not move myself within self direction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, within seeing myself as unworthy and within this to create inner resentment towards myself that has accumulated into a sadness/depression
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as less than the idea I have about myself as who I should have been, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others within the assumption that they are living out the idea I had set out for myself, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a competition within my mind where I am always the looser, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide all of this from myself within shame through creating myself as the happy/confident character to show everyone around me that I am not a looser, while in the process suppressing myself to such an extent that now, when I am here and ready to face myself I cannot easily see/find the points within myself as the actual source of sadness/depression
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself through creating myself as happy character to cover up the actual feelings of shame/self judgment I’ve been experiencing, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as those experiences instead of allowing myself to deal with them as self support within self honesty
I commit myself to when going into fear of loss as well as fear of being alone I stop myself within/as breath, I realize that these fears exist through my participation with them, and thus I make a directive decision to stop myself as the fear and breathe myself back here to the physical, here as life, where fear does not exist, I realize that any participation within fear is a mind manipulation to keep me trapped as the mind and not able to see reality as the physical as one and equal
I commit myself to stop myself within the experience of sad/depressed because I realize it is an energetic experience opening the back door for me to get out of my responsibilities, I commit myself to investigate within self honesty the source point of sadness/depression to be able to stand within/as it and not allow it to direct me
I commit myself to allow myself to see/face points within myself as sadness because I realize that they are there, and thus to change myself within the point I must face it
I commit myself to further investigate the point of depression within me, until I am satisfied that I can direct myself within/as the point, I commit myself to support myself, to not compromise within this point and to push through the resistance until I am done with it, and am here, within/as breath, within self trust and self worthiness.
Friday, September 7, 2012
I arrived last night at the desteni farm, and already many points have
opened up. I'm doing my best to digest it all and move through it all,
reminding myself that it takes time, and all I can do is walk one point at a
time, one breath at a time…
I've been saying this to myself "one point/breath/step at a
time" as a mantra, but in actuality haven't been walking, so I see I have
set up the idea that it will all take time as an excuse, and I see it because I
have been doing close to nothing about pushing/changing/walking points within
myself. Of course it's common sense that the points I see within myself will
not walk themselves, within this I realize that all points within myself have
to be self-directed by/as myself, which
means that I have to actually walk through the points as myself in order for
myself to change myself within/as the points that I see within me… This small point of insight has been coming back
again and again, and it seems so obvious yet even though I've known this, I've done
nothing about it, still within the hope that things will move and change
without me having to change or move…
Today at breakfast during a conversation some of us had, I realized that
I am the creator of myself, my thoughts, and the prison cage I am living in. It
was then pointed out that I am powerful enough to have created all of this but ironically
still believe myself to be weak and powerless. It was also pointed out that I
am so powerful that I am powerful enough to disregard all life, and within that
to disregard and abuse myself as life, through allowing myself to be directed
by thoughts and, through these thoughts, to create massive abuse in many shapes
and forms, as we can plainly see exist in all aspects of the world and of life,
as well as the "personal abuse" allowed to exist in my privet world
and relationships.
What was interesting is that at the time this was discussed and shown to
me, my back chat went on and on about "but if I am the creator and am
responsible for all that is here, then everybody else is equally the creator
and thus is equally responsible for what is here – so why don't THEY fix it all
up".
It was fascinating to see how fast from the moment of seeing my
responsibility I went to find excuses to get me out of it, to have someone else
share responsibility with me, someone else to blame if it all goes wrong –
anything but allowing myself to stand within self-trust and take
responsibility.
What a foreign concept - standing up, trusting myself, taking
self-responsibility… is this really who I want to be? Do I really want to be someone that these
concepts are distant and seem impossible?
It's so easy to go into self-doubt and convince myself I can't do it and
that it would actually be best for all to count on someone else to get this
world sorted out…
it's so easy to not make any effort and keep on complaining and crying
about how hard and unfair life is, while still not doing the minimum effort that
it takes in order to change anything - the minimum being changing myself,
taking responsibility for myself only, figuring out why/how I do what I do,
checking and changing my own starting point of action to actually consider
life, to actually consider myself as life, to actually respect myself enough to
allow myself to give myself the gift of life, instead of remaining a lifeless robot
directed by everything and anything around me only for the sake of not taking
self-responsibility and hiding a life time behind blame and excuses based on
fear.
This way of life is not only "not best for all", but is
actually not even best for me. So who's interest am I obeying by not changing?
Who is the beneficiary of me remaining as I am, not willing to change? What am
I protecting? Why am I not allowing myself to change? Why do I believe that
change is so hard and even impossible yet I talk about it and preach it to
others expecting them to believe my words, hoping they will be the ones that
save us all? Why do I hope and expect others to get it done, trusting they can
do it instead of doing it myself, or trusting myself? How can I expect anything
to change if I am not willing to change myself?
Self-Forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use "one step
at a time" as an excuse that things happen slowly and thus I don't have to
push myself here in this very moment but I can wait "cause things take
time" not realizing that only I can change/move myself in every moment
through self-direction, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and
allowing myself to realize that the time it takes for self /points to
move/change is not accumulated by the minutes that have gone by, but by the
self-directed actions and movement taken in a moment, thus realizing that if I
don't push myself to change nothing with happen "in time" and only
through actually pushing/moving myself one step at a time, one breath at a
time, will I slowly but surely change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope that things
will change on their own without me having to do anything about it, within that
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope I will change
without having to actually do anything about it. I forgive myself that I've
accepted and allowed myself to rely on hope instead of practical common sense
within the realization and understanding that no one will change me but myself
and thus I must stand as self-directive principle and will myself to push
myself to change myself to birth myself as life from the physical
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I am
weak and powerless, and thus not able to change anything within my environment
including myself, and within that allowing myself to be directed by everything
and anything that is around me, not realizing that I have deliberately given
away my power as self-manipulation to not have to stand up and take
self-responsibility within the belief/idea that I am better off pretending to
be weak and powerless than to actually stand up for/as life
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manipulate
myself into believing myself to be weak and powerless instead of realizing the
power I do in fact have as/within myself as life and to investigate the power
as myself and learn to apply myself as powerful within the principle of what is
best for all
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my power to
disregard and abuse myself as life within manipulating myself to believe that I
am powerless, instead of accepting myself as life realizing the power I have as
myself and allowing myself to stand up for myself as life to stop all abuse
that I have been accepting through not stopping due to believing I am powerless
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a
concept/idea about 'power', and within that to separate myself from 'power' as
the concept I have defined it as, thus only allowing myself to believe myself
as weak and powerless, instead of investigating and changing the definition I
have given power, to allow myself to
live the 'power' as myself and not be directed by the resistance I have towards
'power' as a mind created concept.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do everything in
my ability to avoid taking self-responsibility thus accepting the construct of
not taking self-responsibility to exist within/as myself and thus within/as all
of existence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate
myself/others/the situation in order to get out of taking self-responsibility
and thus not doing that which I know is necessary to be done, and within that
accepting and allowing the construct of self-interest based manipulation to
exist
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize
and understand the consequential outflow of allowing myself to participate in
self-interest manipulation due to the desire to not have to take
self-responsibility, and within that I have not allowed myself to realize that
weather I take it or not, I am in fact responsible and accountable for that
which I accept and allow within/as myself
Self-Commitment Statements
I commit myself to actually push myself within the understanding that I
can move/change one point at a time, and to stop using "it takes
time" as an excuse to take my time and not push myself and walk the points
I see needed to be walked.
I commit myself to stop any and all reliance I have on 'hope' within the
understanding that through hope I have been keeping myself away from actually
committing myself to the practical steps needed to be done in order to change
what requires to be changed. Within this I commit myself to show that hope is
in fact useless, abusive and only operates as a form of separation by keeping
self from actually doing what is needed to be done in the name of hoping that
someone else or somehow it will be done without self having to do anything
about it and thus allowing things to continue as they are as an silent
acceptance covered up by the deception of hope.
I commit myself to stop using the self-belief of being weak and
powerless as an excuse to not take self-responsibility, also I commit myself to
show the abusive nature of the belief of being weak and powerless, due to
accepting and allowing atrocities to go on un disturbed through accepting the
self-belief of being too weak to intervene and stand for what is best for all
life.
I commit myself to investigate the definition I have given 'power' and
why/how I have allowed it to have power over me through resisting the concept
of power and separating 'power' from myself.
I commit myself to investigate through writing and self-forgiveness the
fear existing within me that I have allowed to direct me within not taking
self-responsibility through using manipulation and justification and anything
to get me out of it in order to not face the hidden fear that I have allowed to
exist within me
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