Showing posts with label shamefulness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label shamefulness. Show all posts
Sunday, February 17, 2013
I'm continuing the point that opened up in my blog yesterday, please read it for context if you haven’t already - Day 160 – A life changing Decision
I experience shame - shame for not having the integrity to push myself regardless of having that financial safety net - I enslaved myself to my money through allowing myself to limit myself and not explore myself but instead hide behind the convenience of not having to push myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame, instead of investigating in self honesty what is the shame showing me within and as myself, and to commit myself to change and align myself to/as a principle I can stand as, to never experience shame again
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame for not having the integrity to push myself regardless of having a financial safety net
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my financial safety net as an excuse from exploring myself, expanding myself and allowing myself to actually live, instead of using my financial advantage to my advantage and actually put it in good use, instead I have allowed myself to fear losing it, and to lean on it as a crutch, thus limiting myself and creating over time a self belief of inadequacy
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the experience of shame is showing me what I have done, as I have allowed myself to limit myself, as I have allowed myself to create myself as self limitation in fear, instead of standing stable within and as myself and building self trust, self respect, self honor and self dignity by being all that I can be, by pushing myself to live fully, but instead I have built self doubt through accumulating justification for "not doing", not expanding, not exploring
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame instead of stopping the shame and correcting myself as seeing what I have accepted and allowed myself, as I have allowed myself to give up on myself, to close myself off in fear of falling and thus, have not allowed myself to learn to walk , and to commit myself to never again, to face my fears, to walk through them standing up and stable, because ei realize that either I direct myself or I will allow myself to be directed by my fears, and I realize that by allowing myself to be directed by my fears I am giving my power away, time and time again, until I reach the point of shame, because I see what I have done, and I see I could have done it differently, but it's too late, because the past cannot be changed, time cannot be turned back, and thus, the only practical solution is to commit myself to never again - thus, I commit myself to not allow myself to make decisions in regards what I do or don't do based in financial fear, I commit myself to let go the emotions I have attached to the situation through self forgiveness and writing, and to through common sense find what is the practical thing to do, I commit myself to not allow myself to fight for my limitations, as I have used all the excuses to not do things based on self beliefs that I am inadequate, not giving myself the chance to prove me wrong.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on trying and dedicating myself to a project because I had a financial safety net, and thus I have never allowed myself to discover what I can do, what I enjoy doing, where I can contribute, because I have always allowed myself to stop when things got hard, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing to leave my comfort zone, because I could afford not to, not realizing that only outside of my comfort zone will I face myself and be able to grow and expand, as I try new things and explore myself within them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in shame because I realize I have never trusted myself enough to let myself make mistakes, and thus have limited myself and prevented myself from growing.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself in fear of falling, making a mistake and failing, within fear of survival as the back chat in my mind as "what if I loose all my money, and cannot provide for myself?" - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow and participate with this back chat, not realizing and seeing that it is this following the back chat that is the point of self sabotage, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe this back chat to be me and thus, to follow it as if I am giving myself some good advise, though I have never questioned where this back chat is coming from and why it is not actually supporting me in living out myself in my true and full potential, but is always diminishing me - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as self diminishment, and to accept myself as self diminishment through unquestionable believing and following my mind as back chat and self diminishing thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself to my money through allowing myself to limit myself and not explore myself but instead hide behind the convenience of not having to push myself because "I have money, I am fine, I don't need to work hard".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a polarity between money and work, and thus believe that because I have money I don’t have to work, thus not realizing that I have defined money as good and worked as bad, instead of realizing that it is actually the other way around, as I have allowed money to limit my self expression, and haven't allowed myself to explore myself in/as work because I have defined it as bad / not preferred, and thus have been avoiding it, with money being the justification as to why I can allow myself to avoid work
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame, and within that to want to hide myself as to not reveal / exposed that which I am ashamed of and judge as myself, thus I have build up excuses and justification as to why I am "not successful" amongst them being a self belief that I am inadequate, that something is wrong with me, instead of seeing that the real point is that I simply didn't want to take myself out of my comfort zone, as I didn't want to inconvenience me, not realizing that only outside the comfort zone can I expand, and that only through inconvenience can I learn new things and grow
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame based on memories of the past, as I have defined myself according to what I have or haven't done in the past and thus within judging myself I experience shame, as I see in self honesty that what I have or haven't done is unacceptable and doesn't stand as life, within the principle of equality, within self respect and self honor, and thus instead of standing up within / as myself and stopping / changing myself to align myself within / as the principle of equality, and live as the expression of self respect and self honor, I have allowed myself to exist in shame, beating myself up for what I have done in the past, that which I cannot change as it is done with, thus, within this, I realize the experience of shame is a gift, showing me to myself within allowing myself to look in vulnerability what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as, but in the very moment of seeing shame as an energetic experience is no longer supportive, but is a point of self sabotage as it justifies self judgment instead of looking for solutions and corrections, thus, when and as I experience myself going into shame, I commit myself to stop myself and breathe, to practically investigate in self honesty and direct myself within self forgiveness and corrective statement to walk in a way that will honor myself as life, as the principle of equality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame for not being financial independent, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself and judge myself according to whether I have been financially independent, and within this giving the highest value to financial independence, and thus diminishing myself to one aspect and judging myself accordingly, instead of supporting myself to grow within it and equalizing myself to and as that aspect, within investigating why have I not been financial independent and finding practical ways to support myself to change, instead of judging myself as an expression of the belief that it is who I am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame because I was born to a financially stable family, and have not yet "made something out of myself" according to how I perceive and understand the system's definition of being a success, and thus, I experience shame that I have not made it even though I had all the opportunity, within this, I compare myself to those that were born to poverty and experience shame and guilt for having taking for ranted the life that I had while they had to struggle in poverty, within this I realize that the guilt and shame are a cover up, an excuse and justification to not stand up and change the inequality I see within the system, as I give myself a free ticket out through experiencing the burden of shame and guilt - no, I will not allow this, I realize shame and guilt have a role by showing me to myself though, holding onto them is self manipulation within self interest, as if to say "look I feel so bad about it, let me do nothing about it because my bad feeling is enough of a burden" - I commit myself to stop myself from going into and holding onto the experience of shame and guilt in regards to taking my life for granted, and instead to apply myself and become the persona that I can be, to stand in equality to the principle of equality, and this starts with myself, as allowing myself to be equal to myself and not less than who I really am, which is what I've been allowing all my life, and thus the shame for not actually living, even though I apparently had the circumstances to do so, what I didn't have is myself, to push myself to become myself in self honesty
I realize shame is a point of self support, it is a gift as it can be a point of transformation - I realize I mustn't hold on to the shame in energy and allow the shame to become an energetic experience as a form of self abuse and self punishment, but rather allow myself to investigate the point in clarity and stability, within allowing myself to see that which I, as the shame, am showing myself, and then, within what I find in self honesty, to forgive myself unconditionally within realizing that the past cannot be changed, it can only become a platform for self transformation and self correction.
When and as I see myself going into shame, I stop myself and breathe, I write out the experience and find it's source within self honesty, as I investigate and ask myself why am I experiencing shame, what have I done or didn't do that I have come to experience shame, and once I find the point, I write it out and commit myself to change within finding practical applications as self support to help me through the point to never again allow myself to relive this point of shame.
I realize I have been participating in a pattern of giving up on myself, not trusting myself, and excusing myself with not having to push myself through the effort / difficulty / resistance due to not having to support myself financially - thus, I commit myself to, from now on, not allow myself to give up on myself based on "I don't have to do this" I commit myself to establish common sense through writing the points out, and making sure I am not fighting for my limitations, that I am not justifying doing / not doing based on self diminishment and fear of failure, when and as I see myself going into the pattern of self diminishment and fear of failure I stop myself and breathe and push myself to deliberately do that which I resist doing, to prove to myself that I am not limited by the ideas I have created of myself within the mind trying to "protect" myself, while all along limiting myself from expanding, learning and living.
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Continuing the blog from yesterday: Day
24 – Cleaning table tops
Yesterday as I was doing my cleaning chores, I experienced a frustration
and worry in regards to not knowing what I am doing, and not being good at it,
within expecting myself to already know how it's done and be able to do it effectively.
I recognize such experiences from many other situations throughout my
life, of being a beginner and resisting the process of having to go through the
learning curve until the task/ability comes natural for me.
What I see within this is a point of pride, wanting to be seen as good
and effective, being "a natural", looking at it as if it is shameful
to ask for help or to go through a process of learning, thus I want and expect
from myself to know how anything is done straight off the bat, or I lose
interest in it or resist doing it within believing "it's not for me".
Another point I can relate this to is laziness, from the perspective of
realizing that learning something new will take time, effort and practice,
maybe even some struggle, and there is no immediate satisfaction, you have to
work for it, and only after you have pushed through the point, will you see the
result of your effort, and even that is uncertain.
This brings me to realize another point is the point of the unknown,
meaning, I don't know for a fact that I will actually be able to do the task
effectively within ease, I don't know if I will be good at it, I don't know how
long it will take me to perfect it if at all…
Within a process of learning I see that I do not allow myself to learn
unconditionally, I am learning in order to achieve something, there is a goal
out there, and thus not knowing if I will make that goal creates inner friction
within myself, thoughts like "is it worth it?" come up, "maybe I
am just wasting my time learning this…" projecting myself into the future
and trying to calculate the profit I would get through the action I am taking,
and if I'm not sure I will make a profit I push away through resistance, not
even knowing why I have changed my mind, or any other part of this inner
process that I've allowed within myself to direct me.
Within this I see yet another point of fear of failure, what if I work
hard and try but still will not succeed, or be judged, what if I am seen as a
failure/looser for not knowing straight off the bat what/how to do something… all
these point are intertwined and compounding each other, all lead to each other
and are derived from each other, like feeding off each other to keep me trapped
in the pattern of not allowing myself to learn.
Due to the resistance towards the experience of being a beginner I have
limited myself from learning new tasks, and even when I do I cannot enjoy
myself with all this back chat going on in my mind creating friction and worry
instead of simply allowing myself to be here as I humbly learn new and practical
things to help support me with. When facing learning something new there is
always an excuse building up to get me out of it, so that I don't have to place
myself in the position of "not knowing" as I have defined this
position as weakness and powerlessness in my mind, a position of asking for
help and looking at others as they are perceived in my mind as superior in
regards to a specific task, and then the fear of their superiority and my inferiority
being exposed as I ask them for help…
So, I've allowed myself to exist in this pointless loop of feeling
inferior for not knowing something but then not allowing myself to take the
practical steps as learning the task in order to equalize myself to it
effectively, thus justifying to myself the experience and self-belief of
inferiority, and this will go on endlessly until I stop.
Self-Forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for
not knowing how to do tasks that are new to me, and within that I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect of myself to know something
without walking the process of learning it, only to place myself in a position
of self judgment instead of realizing the simple practical common sense that
things need to be learnt, just as I have learn everything I am able to do in my
life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a state of
worry/frustration when I find myself facing a situation/task I am unfamiliar
with, that I expect myself to know off the bat, instead of realizing that
learning a task takes application within time and the worry/frustration is not
getting me any closer to that which I want to learn but rather pushing me away through
an emotional energetic reaction that I allow to manifest as resistance towards
that activity within the self-belief that I am incapable of doing the task due
to resisting the experience I allow myself to go into while approaching it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect from myself
to have everything come easy/naturally to me and within this expectation use it
as an excuse to not push through all that isn't easy/natural, within this I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be more than the
physical within expecting to be able to know everything without having to
practically-physically learn it, and thus when being faced with the reality of
physicality, that things need to be learn to be known, I go into inferiority
and resist approaching the task at hand to avoid facing myself as "not
more than the physical" as I desire/expect me to be
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by
pride, within this I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing myself to realize that pride is a mind made polarity
construct and thus can be used as a point of support to investigate what I am
resisting through shamefulness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is
shameful to ask for help, not realizing that asking for help is a physical
practical common sense application within this physical world, within this I forgive
myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate within self-honesty
the experience of shamefulness and instead have allowed myself to be directed
by/as it as it is the truth of me, not allowing myself to actually look at the
point and see within common sense if the shame is actually relevant or is just
a mind made illusion/manipulation to keep me trapped and limited within and as
my mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself
into believing I should have known something off the bat, creating expectation
within myself that leads to disappointment, only to then resist the task to
avoid the emotional reaction I have created within myself, when all along the
actual reason was based on realizing the time and effort necessary to learn it
and thus instead of admitting to myself that I do not want to put the time and
effort out of pure laziness within the desire to have it all easy, I have
convinced myself that I am inferior to the task and have allowed myself to go into
a state of emotional turmoil to avoid doing it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to quit before even
starting due to fear of failure within allowing myself to define myself
according to a perceived failure/success, instead of allowing myself to participate
and apply myself unconditionally within the physical
Self-Commitment Statements
I commit myself to allow myself to learn new tasks within the
understanding that learning new tasks takes time and practical physical
application, thus I commit myself to apply myself within the new task and to
stop all expectation and judgment within me because I realize I am allowing
myself through it to distract me and to push me away from walking the learning-process
through an emotional reaction creating resistance towards the task
I commit myself to stop myself as the mind within believing and
expecting non-realistic ideas and beliefs, but rather to stick to common sense
physicality, I commit myself to use the point of expectation/judgment as a
reference point showing me that I have "lost touch" with the physical
reality and thus push myself to find the practical common sense approach within
the specific situation
I commit myself to when facing the point of pride, to stop and breathe, I
realize that pride is a mind construct created as a polarity and that through pride
I commit myself to investigating the other side of the polarity I have created
as shamefulness, and within facing myself as the polarity of pride/shameful I commit
myself to see the point I am pushing myself away from and to stop myself and
investigate the physical practicality of the point within common sense
I commit myself to investigate any point of shamefulness for myself and
within physical practical common sense to find out what the point of shame is
showing me, within realizing that most of things I am ashamed of are based in a
cultural/social setting and thus was ever actually considered and investigated
by self but have been taken for granted and accepted by self through education given
by my parents/society
I commit myself to stop allowing myself to be directed by laziness, and within
this I commit myself to when realizing things/tasks take time and effort and I see
myself resisting them I stop and breathe, I commit myself to retune to the
physical within investigating the physical practical application that needs to
be done and push myself to do it regardless of the time it might take, within
realizing that moving in the physical takes time and effort, and thus by choosing
to be lazy I am making a deliberate choice to not move within/as the physical
I commit myself to stop myself from being directed by fear of failure
through realizing that fear of failure only exist as a mind manipulation, and
thus when facing fear of failure I stop and breathe and investigate the
physical practical steps that need to be taken, and commit myself to walking
them one by one until they are done, within allowing myself to ask for help and
find support within what is here to assist me within moving the point at hand
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
