Showing posts with label character. Show all posts
Showing posts with label character. Show all posts
Sunday, February 3, 2013
This is continuing my previous blogs
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Day 148 - Inadequacy - Reading difficulties
Day 149 - Inadequacy – Self Created Reading Difficulties
Day 150 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food
Day 151 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food – Part 2 - Preparing Wraps
Day 152 - Inadequacy – Preparing Food – Part 3 – Farm Chicken
Day 153 - Inadequacy – Creativity – Part 1
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within my expression based on the self belief that I am not creative.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my expression as bad / inadequate and thus within the self judgment to believe that I am not creative and am incapable of creativity
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define creativity to a very narrow range of expressions, and within not seeing myself as good at any of these expressions, such as drawing, painting, writing, sculpting, I have defined myself as not creative, and within this have limited myself from expressing myself in any form of what I define as creative
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, within believing that I'm not creative, to avoid from expressing myself in any way that I've defined as creative within fear of judgment, as I knew within myself, as a future projection, that I would be judged and thus I never allowed myself to try and express myself unconditionally
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that creativity as self expression is not defined as right and wrong, and thus cannot be judged, and that any form of judgment is based on the construct of the social system we exist within as a reflection of our society and ourselves as the mind, but it, the judgment, isn't in fact real, because creative self expression is not limited to how or what society has defined as creative, it is in fact any thing we do in self expression, as in self expression we are creating something new based on who and what we are in this very moment, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within my self expression because I wanted to fit into what society has defined as creative, and thus, within knowing that my expression doesn't fit this definition I have made the decision to suppress myself and never expose any thing that could be seen as creative, thus not allowing myself to express myself unconditionally within simply enjoying myself within my self expression.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define creativity according to a starting point of judgment, instead of realizing that creativity is derived from creation, and thus any thing that one does if done from a starting point of self expression is creative, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my self expression due to the narrow definition I have given creativity, within allowing myself to be directed and controlled by fear of judgment, within defining myself on a polarity scale of good and bad, better and worse, and thus, within defining creativity as good / bad, I have judged and defined my own self expression as what I do as creativity on the "bad" scale, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and see that I have created this chain of events as I have unquestionably accepted societies definition of creativity, along with the judgments I have placed on creativity as good or bad, I have accepted the judgments as truth and defined myself accordingly within believing I am not capable of "good" creativity and thus limited myself and have not allowed myself to express myself within anything I have defined as creative due to accepting and believing the future projection of failing, being bad, and being judged for it, to direct and control and restrict and limit me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others and within doing so to define myself as inadequate, instead of seeing what I can learn from them within a process of expansion within equality, and thus asking them to show me and help me improve my skill instead of deeming myself to believe I am less than and can never live up to their level of talent, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the easy way out, as I have allowed myself to compare myself and defined myself as less than but have not allowed myself to push myself to improve and expand within putting in the effort and actually moving myself as self support to expand beyond my current limits thus accepting my own limitations and then whining about it within my back chat and internal conversations because I truly believed myself to be less than and inadequate, instead of seeing that I have not even tried, and only within trying will I know what I can or can’t do, what I am more naturally inclined to do, and what I enjoy doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support this self belief through comparing myself to others that I see as more creative than me and then, within comparison I am less than, and thus believe I am incapable of ever being at "their" level of creativity, which is a self sabotaging belief as it causes me to back off from life, as I allow it to direct me to not express myself, not put myself out there and basically exist in self suppression because I have created a self belief that my self expression is not worth expressing, based on fear of judgment as I have allowed myself to be directed by fear of judgment, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within cautious and fear instead of allowing myself to live freely as myself as self expression within and as breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the self belief of inadequacy in regards to creativity and to project it onto all aspects of my life, as I have used it to prove myself as inadequate as the general personality / character of myself, as I've used it as another proof that I am worthless, instead of seeing it as it is, as some people are more inclined to do some things and some things may come easier to some people – I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that it only seen as worthless in a world where competition is the only value and that the only thing that is worthy is only “the best”, within a scale of judgment that is accepted in that world within society as we know and accept it - but I haven't consider and allowed myself to see that such a world is a world not worth living in, as it doesn't support all expressions and all beings equally - I would rather live in a world where expression is not judged as better or worse by a specific scale that is changeable as it doesn't really define what is real, and instead create a world that supports all expressions within the principle of equality and oneness, as all expressions when coming from a starting point of self, are equally valid, and equally contributing to our world - we can never know where the next cool idea will come from, we can never know where the next breakthrough or fundamental solution will be found - thus, by limiting ourselves within our self expression due to judgments and competition, we are restricting and preventing many opportunities of growth for all of us as humanity, and for the individual that is existing in suppression and fear of judgment.
This isn't the world I want to live in, yet I have been allowing myself to participate in the very construct that creates it the way it is - thus, I stop. I commit myself to walk through my accepted self judgment through writing, self forgiveness and corrective statements, I commit myself to investigate all points of self judgment and the suppression I have allowed within/through it, I commit myself to explore myself within self expression, and when I see a point of resistance within fear I commit myself to investigate the point and correct myself within and as the physical. I commit myself to stop myself within and as breath when I see myself going into judgment towards other people's expression as I realize that by judging them I am creating a fear within myself towards being judged, as well as I am not living the principle of give as you would like to receive, thus I commit myself to investigate all point I judge other people's expression and within a process of bringing it back to myself, to see the point in clarity and correct myself within it, as I change myself in alignment as what is best for all
I commit myself to give myself some time during the week and explore myself within sketching as a point of self support, as sketching within and as breath, within directing myself to learn to enjoy myself within it and to stop the judgment that come up towards what I do, I realize that I'm not doing this to achieve a "pretty" result, but instead from a starting point of letting go the self judgment and allowing myself to simply utilize another form of self expression as a point of self expansion as self support
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Saturday, February 2, 2013
This is continuing my previous blogs
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Day 148 - Inadequacy - Reading difficulties
Day 149 - Inadequacy – Self Created Reading Difficulties
Day 150 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food
Day 151 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food – Part 2 - Preparing Wraps
Day 152 - Inadequacy – Preparing Food – Part 3 – Farm Chicken
Since I was a child I "knew" about myself that I'm not creative, not talented in the arts and crafts. My sister was, my best friends were, and I wasn't.
I remember drawing in class at school, and always feeling frustrated when I would compare my stick like images to my friend's realistic and accurate drawings, it has always been an accepted joke between us friends, mocking me for drawing these round faces and stick like figures, all very symmetrical, no creativity whatsoever. Back home it was the same, my sister never made fun of me but she could draw and doodle so nicely, she would paint on the walls of her room and I was always jealous of her talent, comparing myself to her and knowing within myself that I could never do anything as pretty as that.
The lack of talent I saw myself as, included not liking my hand writing, and of course I compared myself to my sister and my friends, which had such nice and "girly" hand writing where as I had messy and unclear hand writing, like a boy's. So basically any form of artistic / creative expression using my hands as tools I would judge as less than those around me, and condemned myself to believe I am inadequate.
Years have gone by since that drawing class memory or since my sister doodled on her walls, though I still held on to this self belief of being inadequate when it comes to creativity within any form of artistic self expression through using my hands, as drawing, writing, painting, sculpting - anything that I had packed up in the definition of creativity -it didn't include crafts that I didn't define as creative such as sawing or hammering or cutting, with such crafts / skills I didn't have that self believed inadequacy, it was very specific to anything I defined as creative and girly. It's like I've taken anything that I define as creative / artistic and girly, put it in a locked box, and threw away the key - truly believing that I don't have any access to such expressions.
A few years ago I decided to walk through this self belief because I saw everybody around me enjoying themselves through self expression creativity such as drawing - it looked fun when other people were doing it and I saw that I was limiting myself based on self judgment and that I actually never really gave it a real chance, so I went to a 6 meeting sketch class to learn the basic skill and maybe allow myself to open up to the point - I just wanted to learn to enjoy myself through drawing, I didn't want or expect to be any good at it, I just wanted to be free of this self judgment that has been preventing me from enjoying myself through drawing .
During the class I still participated in lots of self judgment based in comparison and competition, but there were moments, when I let it go and just allowed myself to sketch, and I remember this one time I was sketching a pine cone and it suddenly popped out from the paper and came to life, it was so awesome, I couldn't believe it - I had done it, I broke the "I can't draw to save my life" character, as I have finally proved it wrong.
A few weeks later I drew my "master piece"- I copied a photograph of a child's face from a book, and when I was done and put down the pencil, I couldn't believe I drew it, I put it on my wall and stared at it, I could have easily convinced myself that a spirit came through me and drew it, because "I could never have done something so nice" - I realize that even though I broke the character, I actually didn't - being able to draw was so out of character for me, that I couldn't take it in as myself, I experienced it like an inner conflict between my self belief and this picture hanging on my wall - of course I don't believe some spirit drew it through me, and I realize it was in fact me who made that sketch, but the experience was of disbelief, like a form of shock, I couldn't really accept that I did that, within it I also experience a form of doubt as to whether I could ever repeat it again. I did try drawing since then, but didn't give myself the time to do it properly and then I just lost interest - I think there was / is a fear within me that I end up proving to myself over and over that my self belief was wrong, that I am not inadequate - I wasn't ready to let go of this point of inadequacy, so I didn't continue drawing and kept on to the belief that I can't.
In the last 10 years I've had some experience with working with children, and even though generally speaking I am confidence in working with them, when it comes to creativity the experience of inadequacy still takes me over, and I sabotage myself through not creating the posters / signs / activities within the justification that I am incapable of doing them properly, if any task requires any level of creativity I still, to this day, allow the experience and self belief of inadequacy to direct and control me and I do anything to avoid doing it. "I don't want to do it", because I still "know" it will turn out bad, I am left frustrated that doing such tasks is a part of the job - I still compare myself to others that creativity comes easily to them, I then project the comparison and experience of inadequacy onto the entire job, and compound it into believing that I am not fit to work with children because I am not creative enough.
I will continue with self forgiveness tomorrow
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Working - all my life I knew that working is a hassle, no one really
wants to work, people work because they have to, and I have been
avoiding work all my life, as much as I can, whether it's cleaning my
room as a child, or apartment as I grew up, whether it's doing my home
work for school, or assignments for university, whether it's holding a
nine to five job or any "real" job for that matter, anything that I
perceived to be a hassle, not from my own personal experience but from
observing others around me as family, friends, television shows - I have
tried to avoid, so in essence I never gave myself a chance to see who I am within it, I always simply defined myself within the personality of "I don't like to work".
Since I have defined myself within the "I don't like to work" personality, I have been doing what I can to avoid it, and to do so I have compromised myself, I have participated in manipulations, I have used others to do things for me - within this I expected other to experience it in the same way, so I have been suspicious and judgmental towards others as I perceive them to be avoiding work, cutting corners, slacking off, getting out of the responsibility they should be doing.
When I have been in a working environment I always was alert to make sure I am not being taken advantage of, because that's what people do, as I do, they will manipulate the situation to do as little as possible and then I will be stuck with doing all the work - and this was unacceptable - so I had to be even more manipulative to be sure I am not being coned as I am busy conning the others, to be sure that I am not doing more than anybody else, that we are equal, when in fact I really always made sure that the worst case scenario would be that we do equal work, the better scenario would be that I am the one doing less than others
So, within the belief that working is something that needs to be avoided, as a given fact, I have existed as a neurotic being, living in the anticipation of someone manipulating me and making me do all the work, which I would hate, because that's how it is - "I hate work". So I find myself looking, hunting, to catch others as they slack off and expect me to do the work, as they "innocently" give me more to do while they "sit around" - I have been interpreting people in such a way that would prove me right, I have concluded, without having the full picture, that they are doing exactly that which I would like to do, and then I judge and blame them and resent them for it. Talk about hypocrisy…
The funny thing is, that when I give myself a chance to explore work, I find that I actually enjoy it, when I allow myself to step out of the character of "I don't like working" I find that through working I expand, I'm alive, I'm learning, I'm contributing, I'm in action - I mean, anything can be defined as work, anything that one decides to do, any responsibility one choses to take on, and it's just about how one perceive it once the decision has been made - it can be seen as a hassle or it can be simply done as a decision, without any emotional/energetic charge to it - simply doing what needs to be done, while breathing, and living, and even enjoying it - I mean, if it needs to be done, and if I am going to do it, then I might as well take it in, and enjoy myself - I would be crazy not to, it is insane to do something while going on in my mind about how I am screwed, and how I hate it, and basically to have a pity party in one's mind, instead of being here, in the physical reality, where things need to be done for things to happen, and to enjoy the fact that I can do them, I can contribute - I am a part of this world, I am breathing this air - why would I want to give back whatever and whenever I can?
So, I've been living within an idea that I don't like work and I should try to do as little as possible, and within this I believe everybody wants to do as little as possible so I look for their manipulation, and blame them that every thing they do is to manipulate and get out of doing the work, within this I haven't allowed myself to see that self honestly I am doing that very thing - obviously this has been causing conflict and friction in my life, within myself as an inner experience, and within my relationships, as I have blamed and played the "fare game"
I realize I must align myself with what is best for all life as myself, thus, I need to change my starting point towards work, I realize I have 24 hours in a day no matter what I do in it - what does it matter if I work or sit around or watch a TV series - I am here and breathing through any activity, the only difference between them is a point of preference based on a value system that I have never questioned and simply accepted from my environment - and I've seen that when I stop the back chat about not liking work I find that I actually enjoy working, so I need to clear out the idea of trying to get out of work, to clear out the back chat so that I can be here as I do whatever is required to be done.
Within this, I realize that I have spending lots of time/energy within thoughts trying to figure out what others are doing, how long are they doing it and making sure that I don't do any more than anyone else, and then, when I catch others within what I perceive/interpret to be slacking off, I use it as a justification to slack off myself -"is they are slacking off, why should I do all the work, that's not fare, I'll show them, I won't do as much either" - instead of standing one and equal within myself and honoring myself within the agreement I have made to do the task at hand regardless of what anyone else is doing - it's not about them, it's about me - if I am in a situation that I obviously chose to be in, to honor and respect myself would be to do what I have committed myself to do, and not create back chat which just create conflict and friction within myself and my relationships with those around me- if I've committed to do something then that's what I'll do, even if every one else is not, and if I need to work a little harder or if more time is necessary to complete a task, I'll do it - not because anybody is taking advantage of me, but because I have made a directive decision to do something and I will not dishonor myself as life by not standing one and equal to/as my decision - so I mustn't compare myself and define who I will be according to who others are, especially when I judge them and blame them and basically project all of my shit onto them, and then use my perception of their behavior as justification to do the exact same thing I am judging the for.
I realize that the only way that I will ever live as self honor/respect/dignity is if I actually honor myself and not do that which I judge, live as a living example of "give as you would like to receive", "do onto others as you would like being done onto you", love thy neighbor as yourself" - and it start with honoring my own commitments, towards myself and towards others and simply do what I said I would do, while simply breathing, one breath at a time, and doing what can be done in each breath - no back chat, no energy, no reaction, no judgment, no comparison, no competition, no blame - just living as breath and walking the physical in the most practical way, within directing myself and honoring my own self direction.
Within this construct of not liking to work, there is another point of justification to not enjoying work, and it is within another self created personality, as I have defined myself as someone that likes working together and doesn't like working alone -I realize that this is self limitation - if I am doing something it shouldn't matter what anybody else is doing, yes, it's nice to have company and work together can have it's benefits - working together can be a preference, but that's all it is, a preference, it shouldn't be a point of self limitation as self sabotage - it should direct my experience of myself, I shouldn't allow myself to be directed by a preference - I realize that all it is, is a preference -so when it happens in such a way - cool, but within realizing I am here and stable either way - if I don't get my preference met and I end up working alone, that should be just as cool - nothing of such a sort should move me within energy and reaction, I mustn't allow it to direct me - I have seen and experienced for myself that the outflow of allowing myself to be directed by preferences instead of directing myself as what is best for all within practicality is destructive - why would I allow it?
I will continue with this point in my next blog
Thanks
Since I have defined myself within the "I don't like to work" personality, I have been doing what I can to avoid it, and to do so I have compromised myself, I have participated in manipulations, I have used others to do things for me - within this I expected other to experience it in the same way, so I have been suspicious and judgmental towards others as I perceive them to be avoiding work, cutting corners, slacking off, getting out of the responsibility they should be doing.
When I have been in a working environment I always was alert to make sure I am not being taken advantage of, because that's what people do, as I do, they will manipulate the situation to do as little as possible and then I will be stuck with doing all the work - and this was unacceptable - so I had to be even more manipulative to be sure I am not being coned as I am busy conning the others, to be sure that I am not doing more than anybody else, that we are equal, when in fact I really always made sure that the worst case scenario would be that we do equal work, the better scenario would be that I am the one doing less than others
So, within the belief that working is something that needs to be avoided, as a given fact, I have existed as a neurotic being, living in the anticipation of someone manipulating me and making me do all the work, which I would hate, because that's how it is - "I hate work". So I find myself looking, hunting, to catch others as they slack off and expect me to do the work, as they "innocently" give me more to do while they "sit around" - I have been interpreting people in such a way that would prove me right, I have concluded, without having the full picture, that they are doing exactly that which I would like to do, and then I judge and blame them and resent them for it. Talk about hypocrisy…
The funny thing is, that when I give myself a chance to explore work, I find that I actually enjoy it, when I allow myself to step out of the character of "I don't like working" I find that through working I expand, I'm alive, I'm learning, I'm contributing, I'm in action - I mean, anything can be defined as work, anything that one decides to do, any responsibility one choses to take on, and it's just about how one perceive it once the decision has been made - it can be seen as a hassle or it can be simply done as a decision, without any emotional/energetic charge to it - simply doing what needs to be done, while breathing, and living, and even enjoying it - I mean, if it needs to be done, and if I am going to do it, then I might as well take it in, and enjoy myself - I would be crazy not to, it is insane to do something while going on in my mind about how I am screwed, and how I hate it, and basically to have a pity party in one's mind, instead of being here, in the physical reality, where things need to be done for things to happen, and to enjoy the fact that I can do them, I can contribute - I am a part of this world, I am breathing this air - why would I want to give back whatever and whenever I can?
So, I've been living within an idea that I don't like work and I should try to do as little as possible, and within this I believe everybody wants to do as little as possible so I look for their manipulation, and blame them that every thing they do is to manipulate and get out of doing the work, within this I haven't allowed myself to see that self honestly I am doing that very thing - obviously this has been causing conflict and friction in my life, within myself as an inner experience, and within my relationships, as I have blamed and played the "fare game"
I realize I must align myself with what is best for all life as myself, thus, I need to change my starting point towards work, I realize I have 24 hours in a day no matter what I do in it - what does it matter if I work or sit around or watch a TV series - I am here and breathing through any activity, the only difference between them is a point of preference based on a value system that I have never questioned and simply accepted from my environment - and I've seen that when I stop the back chat about not liking work I find that I actually enjoy working, so I need to clear out the idea of trying to get out of work, to clear out the back chat so that I can be here as I do whatever is required to be done.
Within this, I realize that I have spending lots of time/energy within thoughts trying to figure out what others are doing, how long are they doing it and making sure that I don't do any more than anyone else, and then, when I catch others within what I perceive/interpret to be slacking off, I use it as a justification to slack off myself -"is they are slacking off, why should I do all the work, that's not fare, I'll show them, I won't do as much either" - instead of standing one and equal within myself and honoring myself within the agreement I have made to do the task at hand regardless of what anyone else is doing - it's not about them, it's about me - if I am in a situation that I obviously chose to be in, to honor and respect myself would be to do what I have committed myself to do, and not create back chat which just create conflict and friction within myself and my relationships with those around me- if I've committed to do something then that's what I'll do, even if every one else is not, and if I need to work a little harder or if more time is necessary to complete a task, I'll do it - not because anybody is taking advantage of me, but because I have made a directive decision to do something and I will not dishonor myself as life by not standing one and equal to/as my decision - so I mustn't compare myself and define who I will be according to who others are, especially when I judge them and blame them and basically project all of my shit onto them, and then use my perception of their behavior as justification to do the exact same thing I am judging the for.
I realize that the only way that I will ever live as self honor/respect/dignity is if I actually honor myself and not do that which I judge, live as a living example of "give as you would like to receive", "do onto others as you would like being done onto you", love thy neighbor as yourself" - and it start with honoring my own commitments, towards myself and towards others and simply do what I said I would do, while simply breathing, one breath at a time, and doing what can be done in each breath - no back chat, no energy, no reaction, no judgment, no comparison, no competition, no blame - just living as breath and walking the physical in the most practical way, within directing myself and honoring my own self direction.
Within this construct of not liking to work, there is another point of justification to not enjoying work, and it is within another self created personality, as I have defined myself as someone that likes working together and doesn't like working alone -I realize that this is self limitation - if I am doing something it shouldn't matter what anybody else is doing, yes, it's nice to have company and work together can have it's benefits - working together can be a preference, but that's all it is, a preference, it shouldn't be a point of self limitation as self sabotage - it should direct my experience of myself, I shouldn't allow myself to be directed by a preference - I realize that all it is, is a preference -so when it happens in such a way - cool, but within realizing I am here and stable either way - if I don't get my preference met and I end up working alone, that should be just as cool - nothing of such a sort should move me within energy and reaction, I mustn't allow it to direct me - I have seen and experienced for myself that the outflow of allowing myself to be directed by preferences instead of directing myself as what is best for all within practicality is destructive - why would I allow it?
I will continue with this point in my next blog
Thanks
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Saturday, December 1, 2012
This is a continuation from my previous blog:
Day 104 - Nature reflecting my assertiveness
Assertive - Confident and direct in claiming one's rights or putting forward one's views.
Being assertive is a point that has been an issue for
me for a very long time, I’ve never felt comfortable within the expression of
assertiveness - there is a fine line between assertiveness and aggressiveness,
and I would either cross the line and express myself as aggressive, or would go
to the other side of expressing myself as a joker, not taking myself seriously
by giggling, making it seam unimportant. So, instead of being clear, direct and
assertive, I would be aggressive, attacking and demanding, or i would be funny,
unserious and joking - both from a starting point of fear, a fear of not being
heard,
fear of not being taken seriously, both within a starting point of not trusting
myself within/as a clear and direct expression, not trusting myself that
expressing myself within stability, simply being here as self expression, would
be enough, so the aggression would be like a threat - "you better listen to me",
and the joking would be a giving up as self disregard - "I'm just kidding, you
don't have to take me seriously".
There is a specific point within my resistance to being assertive and that is to receive an "inappropriate" or a not supportive response from others, from a perspective of not being taken seriously. When I think of standing and speaking assertively, I see myself saying something and actually meaning it being serious about it, but because everybody knows me as a joker/silly it is disregarded and not taken seriously, as i am left standing there, shameful for being ignored, insulted for not being heard.
As I am writing this, I see that this thoughts/projection actually comes from a specific memory - I was in a course in the army with a group of girls for three weeks, on a daily basis. most of the time I was joking around and being silly, laughing and making others laugh as well, not being too serious, and basically just enjoying myself and having fun. At one point there was a discussion in the class and I shared my perspective, and I was very serious about what i had said – but, instead of taking what I had said seriously, as a valid contribution to the conversation, some of the girls laughed as a response to what I had said, as if anything i would say is a joke and not to be taken seriously - I was very insulted and angry at them for treating me like that, for not listening to me, for disregarding what i had to say without hearing me out - I later brought it up in front of the group, they said that since I'm always joking they were sure I was kidding about this as well...
I felt like I have cheated myself, I have been presenting myself in a funny, silly way, and have robbed myself the option of being serious because I have created an idea in their minds and now, instead of listening to what I am saying , they can only see me through the silly idea they have of me.
I took the situation very personally, I felt like I was transparent, not seen, if they only saw me as a joker, which was only an external layer, then they didn't really see me at all, thus I resented them, and blamed them for not seeing me when in fact, I have allowed myself to consistently present myself as "the joker" character, and thus have not allowed myself to express myself as here, within breath, within self honesty - so they could see only that which I showed them, and since I was hiding behind the "joker" character - how could they have seen me?
I realize that being a joker as a character is a form of coping mechanism, thus instead of allowing myself to be here, and express myself as who/what I really am, instead of allowing myself to be clear and direct about what I am saying, I have suppressed any expression of myself, and allowed the joker to take over other characters to protect me from being hurt again, and thus have created myself, very convincingly, as the joker, thus, I am the one responsible for them thinking I was joking, and not taking me seriously.
This memory made me take a step back from ever trying to speak assertively/seriously because I have created a belief that I won’t ever be taken seriously - then what's the point? through this I have always created myself as the joker, to avoid having to relive the experience/situation of saying something ‘for real’ and being disregarded, and thus I have been living my life as the joker, not allowing myself to expose myself as who i am, as what i actually mean to say, as my actual clear and direct point of view - due to fear of being disregarded. Over the years I have forgotten it was a choice and have allowed it to become a self belief a self definition, believing that I am in fact incapable of being serious, assertive, clear and direct and thus continue expressing myself as the joker, proving to myself that all I am is the joker, justifying to myself why I'm not allowing myself to take myself seriously instead of stopping myself, clearing my starting point, clearing the memory and allowing myself to be every expression as life, not limited within fear of facing other's reactions ever again.
In order to justify to myself why I won't allow myself to express myself as assertive or serious I have created a relationship of polarity within myself towards such expressions, connecting them to aggressive and evil expressions, and thus, since I see myself as a good, nice person, as the main character I have created myself as, I can't be associated with aggressive and evil expressions, thus I cannot be serious or assertive because that would contradict my inner self definition.
So basically, instead of allowing myself to be assertive, here, within self expression, expressing myself as who I am within stability and clarity, I would go to either side of the extreme polarity, of either becoming aggressive, or becoming the joker. thus, when I try to imagine myself being assertive, there is a double reaction within myself, there is a fear, a fear from the aggressive aspect I have attached to it, a fear of exposing the beast within me, and the other reaction is an inner laughter, I laugh within myself, at myself, for putting on such a bad act, since within myself I believe that I am not that, not serious, not assertive, thus it's an act, and I can see right through it.
I find that when I do express myself in assertiveness I will either end up with a giggle or a joke, to "ease the seriousness", or I will end up crying as I have built up energy as aggression to have the courage to speak up, and it would be a release of all the built up energy, or I would simply be aggressive, not allowing the other to have a word, not leaving any one else any room to express themselves.
I see it like sitting on either side of the seesaw, going up and down from the joker to being aggressive and back again, instead of finding the center, the point of equilibrium, where I am stable and clear and direct, and speak/express myself from that point of stability - the center of the seesaw is where assertiveness exists, and I have been avoiding that place of stability due to fear, due to not trusting myself that I, as who I am within self honesty will every be enough.
Obviously, it would be best for all if I were to learn to
express myself within assertiveness, and not allow myself to participate in any
expression that is derived from fear, and as I’ve clearly seen, both the joker
and the aggressive expressions, are derived from fear and thus are
unacceptable.
So, I commit myself here, to myself, to start a process of becoming assertive as myself, as who I am, stopping the separation I have created towards assertiveness, investigate all points further, to bring myself to a point of self expression, as who I am , expressing myself as a clear, direct and stable stand
I commit myself to support myself within and as breath, to make it my nature to breathe before I speak, to be clear within myself, to let go the fear of the reactions of others, and to speak clearly and directly
I commit myself to slow myself down, to breathe, to correct myself and forgive myself in the moment, if I see myself going to the joker, or aggressive characters, and bring myself back here, within/as breath to a clear, direct and assertiveness with my expression
I commit myself to dedicate the next 21 days to focus on my expression, I will write about points that come up during my day, and clear myself within the next 21 day, showing myself what I have created within and as myself, where/why/when have I compromised myself as self expression, as a direct clear expression of who I am, to be able to stop such self compromise and start living, breathing, expressing, here
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Day 104 - Nature reflecting my assertiveness
Assertive - Confident and direct in claiming one's rights or putting forward one's views.
There is a specific point within my resistance to being assertive and that is to receive an "inappropriate" or a not supportive response from others, from a perspective of not being taken seriously. When I think of standing and speaking assertively, I see myself saying something and actually meaning it being serious about it, but because everybody knows me as a joker/silly it is disregarded and not taken seriously, as i am left standing there, shameful for being ignored, insulted for not being heard.
As I am writing this, I see that this thoughts/projection actually comes from a specific memory - I was in a course in the army with a group of girls for three weeks, on a daily basis. most of the time I was joking around and being silly, laughing and making others laugh as well, not being too serious, and basically just enjoying myself and having fun. At one point there was a discussion in the class and I shared my perspective, and I was very serious about what i had said – but, instead of taking what I had said seriously, as a valid contribution to the conversation, some of the girls laughed as a response to what I had said, as if anything i would say is a joke and not to be taken seriously - I was very insulted and angry at them for treating me like that, for not listening to me, for disregarding what i had to say without hearing me out - I later brought it up in front of the group, they said that since I'm always joking they were sure I was kidding about this as well...
I felt like I have cheated myself, I have been presenting myself in a funny, silly way, and have robbed myself the option of being serious because I have created an idea in their minds and now, instead of listening to what I am saying , they can only see me through the silly idea they have of me.
I took the situation very personally, I felt like I was transparent, not seen, if they only saw me as a joker, which was only an external layer, then they didn't really see me at all, thus I resented them, and blamed them for not seeing me when in fact, I have allowed myself to consistently present myself as "the joker" character, and thus have not allowed myself to express myself as here, within breath, within self honesty - so they could see only that which I showed them, and since I was hiding behind the "joker" character - how could they have seen me?
I realize that being a joker as a character is a form of coping mechanism, thus instead of allowing myself to be here, and express myself as who/what I really am, instead of allowing myself to be clear and direct about what I am saying, I have suppressed any expression of myself, and allowed the joker to take over other characters to protect me from being hurt again, and thus have created myself, very convincingly, as the joker, thus, I am the one responsible for them thinking I was joking, and not taking me seriously.
This memory made me take a step back from ever trying to speak assertively/seriously because I have created a belief that I won’t ever be taken seriously - then what's the point? through this I have always created myself as the joker, to avoid having to relive the experience/situation of saying something ‘for real’ and being disregarded, and thus I have been living my life as the joker, not allowing myself to expose myself as who i am, as what i actually mean to say, as my actual clear and direct point of view - due to fear of being disregarded. Over the years I have forgotten it was a choice and have allowed it to become a self belief a self definition, believing that I am in fact incapable of being serious, assertive, clear and direct and thus continue expressing myself as the joker, proving to myself that all I am is the joker, justifying to myself why I'm not allowing myself to take myself seriously instead of stopping myself, clearing my starting point, clearing the memory and allowing myself to be every expression as life, not limited within fear of facing other's reactions ever again.
In order to justify to myself why I won't allow myself to express myself as assertive or serious I have created a relationship of polarity within myself towards such expressions, connecting them to aggressive and evil expressions, and thus, since I see myself as a good, nice person, as the main character I have created myself as, I can't be associated with aggressive and evil expressions, thus I cannot be serious or assertive because that would contradict my inner self definition.
So basically, instead of allowing myself to be assertive, here, within self expression, expressing myself as who I am within stability and clarity, I would go to either side of the extreme polarity, of either becoming aggressive, or becoming the joker. thus, when I try to imagine myself being assertive, there is a double reaction within myself, there is a fear, a fear from the aggressive aspect I have attached to it, a fear of exposing the beast within me, and the other reaction is an inner laughter, I laugh within myself, at myself, for putting on such a bad act, since within myself I believe that I am not that, not serious, not assertive, thus it's an act, and I can see right through it.
I find that when I do express myself in assertiveness I will either end up with a giggle or a joke, to "ease the seriousness", or I will end up crying as I have built up energy as aggression to have the courage to speak up, and it would be a release of all the built up energy, or I would simply be aggressive, not allowing the other to have a word, not leaving any one else any room to express themselves.
I see it like sitting on either side of the seesaw, going up and down from the joker to being aggressive and back again, instead of finding the center, the point of equilibrium, where I am stable and clear and direct, and speak/express myself from that point of stability - the center of the seesaw is where assertiveness exists, and I have been avoiding that place of stability due to fear, due to not trusting myself that I, as who I am within self honesty will every be enough.
Obviously, it would be best for all if I were to learn to
express myself within assertiveness, and not allow myself to participate in any
expression that is derived from fear, and as I’ve clearly seen, both the joker
and the aggressive expressions, are derived from fear and thus are
unacceptable.So, I commit myself here, to myself, to start a process of becoming assertive as myself, as who I am, stopping the separation I have created towards assertiveness, investigate all points further, to bring myself to a point of self expression, as who I am , expressing myself as a clear, direct and stable stand
I commit myself to support myself within and as breath, to make it my nature to breathe before I speak, to be clear within myself, to let go the fear of the reactions of others, and to speak clearly and directly
I commit myself to slow myself down, to breathe, to correct myself and forgive myself in the moment, if I see myself going to the joker, or aggressive characters, and bring myself back here, within/as breath to a clear, direct and assertiveness with my expression
I commit myself to dedicate the next 21 days to focus on my expression, I will write about points that come up during my day, and clear myself within the next 21 day, showing myself what I have created within and as myself, where/why/when have I compromised myself as self expression, as a direct clear expression of who I am, to be able to stop such self compromise and start living, breathing, expressing, here
For Further Support, a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out Links:
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Desteni Wiki
Desteni Forum
Desteni I Process
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Journey to Life Group
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Creation's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to LIfe
Earth's Journey to Life
Monday, November 12, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4
Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5
Day 85 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 6
Day 86 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 7 - Self Forgiveness
Day 87 - Fear Dimension - Inferiority - Part 8
I've been writing about fear, and have applied self forgiveness, but I have realized that I haven't been very specific with my self commitments, and within this I realize that writing about it and forgiving myself is one part of the process, but actually pushing myself to actually physically walk through my fear, and actually physically express myself in a different way than what I am use to within my preprogrammed characters, is another part, a crucial part, because without the living application of actually changing, I am waiting my time on verbal masturbation. I realize taking the leap and actually walking through the fear is an imperative part of this process, it's not just about talking the talk, I must push myself to walk it as a living expression as who I am.
And thus, through writing self commitments one plan the way before oneself, as a guide line, preparing oneself within accepting the challenge so to speak, to actually correct oneself in the physical.
I commit myself, when I see I have made a mistake, through being corrected, to stop any reaction within myself and to breathe, to make sure I am here, stable within/as myself, then, I commit myself to look at what is being said as a gift, as a way to expand/improve/perfect myself within my application, I commit myself to stop myself within any reaction of inferiority as I realize that any reaction implies that I am going into a character I have created myself as in self interest as a survival mechanism and thus in complete disregard of what is best for all, I realize that I have been using inferiority to protect/defend myself as the character, as the self definition I have given myself, actually protecting myself as the ego, instead of allowing myself to humbly accept what is said, and within breath allow myself to correct myself and learn from what I have done, within this, as practical application, I commit myself to ask what I can do differently, to ask for help, to ask for guidance, within accepting the fact that others can help me, that others may know more and can give me guidance, I realize this has been a "difficult" point for me due to creating an idea that asking for help represents weakness and thus I wanted asking for help to be beneath me, but I see now that any justification to not ask for assistance is a mind's manipulation, and thus invalid, as we are all here together and can help/assist/support each other, and thus I commit myself to using communication and allowing myself to be humbly and ask for help.
I commit myself to investigate the cause of the mistake, to look within self honesty and allow myself to admit/face if I have cut corners or have made the mistake deliberately in any way as for instance, when I am busy participating with back chat as justifications to cut corners, or excuses why I shouldn't do this task instead of allowing myself to be here within the task I am working on, thus, I commit myself to take responsibility for any deliberate self sabotage, to not run away from myself, but to stand as myself and accept myself as all that I have done, within realizing that it isn't personal, from the perspective that it really doesn't define me, but within that I realize that now I have an opportunity to correct myself, thus I commit myself to not judge myself because I have seen it is counterproductive and actually self abusive and self sabotaging, thus, instead of judging myself I commit myself to take responsibility within breath and humbly correct myself.
When and as I see/define myself as failing, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to go into the "I have failed/am a failure" character because I realize that by going into failure I am allowing myself to live in the past instead of being here and finding a practical livable solution/correction for the situation, and thus using failure to actually give up and fail, thus I commit myself to investigate the point within looking at my starting point to see if my starting point is valid within the principle of equality as what is best for all, or was my starting point within self interest/fear/justification, thus within investigating the starting point I take responsibility for myself, and without judging myself allow myself to become my self directive principle and change my starting point and correct myself into that which stands as best for all within equality, within this I commit myself to ask for assistance if I can't find the "problem" point or if I don't find a solution/correction for the situation, within this I commit myself let go the construct of failure and instead to see it as another step in my process of self realization, self honesty and self intimacy, of which I am walking step by step, one breath at a time
When and as I see myself wanting to be right, I stop and breathe, I realize the desire to being right is indicating that I am trying to prove myself and thus am acting within self separation as I am not accepting myself and thus believe I must prove myself within knowledge/information to validate/approve/accept myself, thus I commit myself, when I see myself go into the desire of being right or proving myself, to stop talking, to breathe and within breath to bring myself back here to my physical body, and in the moment within self honesty look at what am I doing, what I am hiding from myself, what am I actually showing myself within this "trying to be right", and within this quick investigation done with support of breath at the moment, if I see any justifications come up I just stop them and push through the desire to explain/justify and simply stay quiet and breath, and if the situation is an argument, then I humbly apologize to the other party by saying: "forgive me, I am just arguing because I want to be right, forget it, can you please explain your point again, now I'm here and am listening", thus
I commit myself to hear out the other being, within realizing that no mater what is being said I can learn from them. and within this situation of going into the character of desire to be right, I commit myself to investigate the point of self definition / comparison / competition as to find the cause/reason that I am not accepting myself within, and to forgive myself for not allowing myself to accept myself unconditionally and to judge myself for the points I have found, and thus forgive myself for I have allowed myself to live in constant competition to prove myself worthy, not realizing that I have been competing with myself within allowing the polarity of right/wrong to exist within and as myself.
Within the fear of being seen as less than, and within the back chat of seeing myself as less than in relation to tasks I am given, I commit myself to stop the judgment I hold towards specific tasks wither the nature of the task or the time it takes to do it, and within this I commit myself to push myself as self directive principle to do those tasks that I have deemed as less than, to expand myself within my application, to not limit myself within the belief that some tasks are beneath me within realizing that I am separating myself from the task as myself within participating in a mind made idea/belief/judgment and thus not valid, I've seen that when I stop the back chat and allow myself to simply do it within/as breath I find that I get comfortable with the task and 'change my mind' about it, thus I have proven to myself that the ideas/beliefs/judgments I have towards tasks don't stand once I allow myself to actually do them without back chat as judgment, I see that surprisingly I even enjoy them, so I commit myself to stop myself within breath when I see myself judging any task, and thus allow myself and push myself to do any task necessary without any limitation, by pushing myself through the back chat until I am comfortable with the task
Within the fear of being used/manipulated by others within believing the fair/unfair character, I have been existing within a debt system, as calculating what I do for them and what they do for me, and calculating what I perceive everyone is doing, thus I commit myself to do things for "free", unconditionally, and to let it go the moment I finish as to not allow myself to carry around the past with me as a charged memory as debt. Thus, I commit myself to stop myself within the expectation to get anything in return, and to find situations where I can do things for others as myself to test myself within this application as not expecting/wanting anything in return, thus creating a directive situation where I am deliberately "being used" as to walk through the fear of being used within realizing that as long as I am directing myself as the living principle there is nothing to fear within realizing no one is doing anything to me, because I am directing myself in every moment
I commit myself to push myself to do what I would do as if I didn't have issues as fear, I commit myself, when making a directive decision as to what to do, to investigate the point within considering what someone, that doesn't exist within this fear, would do, and push myself to do it, I commit myself to take on my fears and walk through them, while supporting myself with writing, self forgiveness and corrective statements, to come to a point where I am no longer directed by fears and can walk here, stable within breath, in every moment and through every situation
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Thursday, November 8, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4
Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5
The point comes up within the interpretation of the scenario of being corrected as if I had presented myself in a specific way, that make others perceive me as special/unique/smart/interesting… and then within making a mistake and thus having to be corrected/told what to do, the bubble had burst, and it's not that they think badly of me, but they no longer think I am especially smart/interesting/intelligent/competent... I am now reduced to being just another somebody, another imperfect mortal, mistakes and all….
So the point of fear is the fear of losing the idea of myself as being special and within it, losing being seen as special. So this brings up the obvious question of why do I believe I require being special? Why do I need to be more than myself as specialness? and again, this desire to be special reveals the point of self diminishment as the core beingness as who I have allowed myself to become, where I see that due to not actually accepting myself, not loving myself, not believing I am worthy of life as one and equal to all that is life, I create an idea/belief within myself that I require being special, to accept myself, to love myself and to see myself as worthy, and within that a belief that others as myself will see it in the same way, where they expect me to be special as if to earn my right for respect, acceptance, love, my right to life. this too within the idea, as perceived belief that the value of life lies within other's acceptance of me.
Within the desire to be special there is a point of expecting to get something out of it, like being special is a key to get things to go my way within self interest, wither it is attention, acceptance, or whatever it may me, there is a belief that being special will provide me with more than not being special, thus it is seen as an asset, thus the fear of losing it, or rather the fear of exposing the actuality of myself as not being special is the fear of losing this power I believed I had to manipulate people to get things done my way.
I have realized that within equality all are equally special/unique within their individuality as their personalities of the mind, as all have different experiences/perspective/beliefs/preferences…. and within all being different from the perspective of the mind, no one can actually be special, thus the desire to be special is based in valuing some ideas/skills/experiences/perspectives more than others, through judgment, and done within self interest thus does not consider all as what is best for all in equality, no, specialness is the justification that one deserve more than others and at the expense of others.
So, in fact, being corrected is a trigger point to face myself as I see the fear of the bubble of the idea/perception of me as who I present myself to be, is bursts, and the interesting thing is that within the desire to be special, I can take the failure/mistake/correction into the polarity personality and create myself as special from the perspective of being a failure, thus always looking for points of comparison, finding a polarity I can be the most at, even if it is a "negative" most, as being most corrected, most wrong, slowest...
It's fascinating how little of who I am I actually know, and how I am like a puppet, moving through out myself, creating myself within self interest to be seen, validated, as anything, even if I had deemed it bad, as long as I can define myself by it, instead of simply being me, being the living expression of me, as life, in breath, in the simplistically of the physical reality in oneness and equality, why do I need to define myself through other's eyes, does a tree need to define itself to be? No it is what it is, no definition or interpretation or approval needed.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4
Within investigating the fear dimension of the character " I don't like being corrected / told what to do", I will now open up the point of the fear of being judged by others, as the fear of being seen as wrong/stupid/slow/bad at what I'm doing
When I am being corrected or told what to do, I experience it as if the other is looking down at me, as they need to correct me or tell me what to do because I am unable to get it on my own, so I experience myself as less than them just by them correcting me or telling me what to do. The point here is that it's not just me evaluating myself as less than, within the construct of self diminishment, the fear is in regards to them seeing/knowing it, as they have corrected me thus they must have already judged me and see me as wrong/stupid/slow… within this I see their judgment as a point of confirmation of my own self diminishment, yet my self diminishment is hidden through the characters I have created myself as, as I present myself as confident, outgoing, smart, interesting, because that is how I want to see myself and be seen as, thus I fear my actual beingness as inferior being exposed and confirmed through how I perceive others are seeing me.
So why do I fear being judged by others? Why do I care what they think of me? Why do I fear them thinking I am stupid/slow/inadequate? Why am I allowing myself to see myself through their eyes, and not even their eyes but actually what I perceive to be in their eyes, thus, why do I fear my own self projected self judgment?
A point to look at within this is how do I exist when I am "on the other side of the coin", when I correct others or judge them? Within this question I see that I fear being corrected/judged by others within and expectation that they will correct/judge me as I do them, and just by asking myself this question I already see the abusive nature I have allowed myself to exist as, as through correcting others I allow myself to judge them - I judge people as less than me because I believe I know more than them, or because I perceive them to be in an inferior position, I tend to resent them, I act in spitefulness towards them, I bully them, in the little things, I patronize them as I make myself seam helpful and caring but am really getting a kick off of their inadequacy that is giving me the opportunity to shine, I speak in a tonality to make sure they know how small they are, to make myself feel bigger, I jump at the opportunity to be on top, I abuse my power through not supporting them as myself within equality but rather dismissing them, keeping them down, to experience the energetic high of being superior, as temporary as it may be. I realize that in fact I do it all from a starting point of covering up / hiding my own inferiority complex, but that is just a justification, an excuse I tell myself to make it OK, while I am in fact allowing myself to participate in inequality, as a form of abuse, as subtle or extreme as it may be.
So, why do I fear being judged? In essence, I fear receiving the same treatment, I fear being on the other side, I fear receiving that which I have given within my participation within/as judgment of others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards being corrected within the idea that when I am being corrected I am being judged as wrong/stupid/slow/incompetent, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect between being corrected and being judged, thus not allowing myself to be here and hear the correction because I automatically go into my mind and try to analyze what the other is thinking of me, thus not allowing myself to practically implement the correction that is being suggested, within this, I commit myself to, when being corrected, when I see myself going into fear of judgment, to stop and breathe, to allow myself to listen unconditionally to what is being said to me, and from a point of hearing what is being said here, to act within consideration of the practicality of the physical reality, and not allow myself to go into my mind as fear of judgment, as I realize it is an alternate reality, as an illusion, that I cannot trust as fact, as it is all self created and based on fears/beliefs/ideas, thus I support myself to be here and hear what is physically being said, and I apply myself within common sense, within the principle of what is best for all, without attaching any energetic reaction to it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see/define myself through what others think of me, and within this I haven't realized that what others actually think of me is their own self creation, based on their mind bubble they have created for themselves, and thus has nothing to do with me actually, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the idea that what others think of me actually has an impact on who I am, and within that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that by being directed by what others think of me, and I am allowing myself to fall in the mind's trap as being directed by what others are thinking of me instead of being self directive within/as breath, as who I am in the moment, it's funny really, because I realize they do not impact me with what they think unless I allow it to impact me, and then it does, through how I exist in fear of what they might think… it's crazy... Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that in most cases they are not even thinking of me what I think they are thinking of me, it is all created in my mind through projecting my own self judgment onto them, and then believing them to be judging me and fearing their judgment, while all along not seeing the point that if they were judging me, it wouldn't in fact reflect me, but rather them, and wither they are judging me or not, the fear of their judgment indicates my own self judgment, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my own self judgment from myself, as I do not accept myself unconditionally, as I judge myself for making mistakes and for being corrected as it indicates I have made a mistake, and thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself unconditionally and within that to project my self judgment onto others and allow myself to exist in fear that seams to me to be coming from "out there" when in fact I am the sole creator of it within/as myself as the mind, thus I commit myself to investigate all point of fear of judgment and take it back to self within realizing that it is all indicating points iwthin myself that I am judging myself for and thus not allowing myself to accept/love myself unconditionally as who I am as life, and as I have mentioned before, as I do not allow myself to accept myself, I hide myself from myself within judgment and thus sabotage myself from the possibility of self change into becoming a being that lives in self dignity/acceptance/trust, to allow myself to become a being that supports self as life and creates a world that is best for all, and not based on fears/self interest
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the fear of others judging me to such an extent that I experience myself frozen, as paralyzed, as not allowing myself to make any move as self expression due to fear of being judged, and within that not allowing myself to accept corrections/instructions even if they are completely "innocent" from a perspective that they simply are what they are, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fear of being seen as stupid/slow/inadequate direct me in such a way that I am in fact creating myself as slow/stupid/inadequate through my participation within/as the mind as fears instead of standing as life, and living here as breath in every moment
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Tuesday, November 6, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Within investigating the fear dimension of the character " I don't like being corrected / told what to do", I will now open up the point of the fear of being wrong
Why do I fear being wrong? What does it mean to me? What does being right mean to me? Why is it so important?
As I walk through out my day I carry around with me a baggage of knowledge and information which I have defined as valuable, as it creates my outlook of life, and in every chance I get, I bring out some "smart" remark to share with the company present. Some of these points I share I have not investigated so it's more hearsay, as something that I heard from someone, somewhere, and it stuck in my memory. In other situations I might have read it somewhere (which makes it seam more valid) but either way in most cases I haven't actually investigated the point for myself, and I basically just blurt it out as a knowing, as a fact, as a valid truth.
Why do I do it? For many reasons: to sound smart, interesting, knowledgeable, superior, a valuable part of the conversation - all stem from the main reason of the desire to be accepted, approved, loved, appreciated.
Many times I am challenged on what I say, as the information I bring into the conversation, as those around me may ask questions or have something to say that make what I said seam less valid/true, and in extreme cases it can go into argument where the other has a different idea/opinion/belief as they hold onto different information as valid, and now we are both holding on to our statement/truth and arguing about who is right/wrong - and I hate being wrong.
So, why do I fear being wrong? What is my reaction towards it? Well, for starters, it forces me to face the fact that I just say things that I cannot stand by, that I have not investigated, that can be undermined, that are not as true as I stated them to be - which brings up another interesting question as why do I say things I am not certain of… as I've written above, I do it to seam smart, interesting… so I'm putting on a show, an act, I'm living as a character in a play, trying to be something that I believe myself not to be. I react because I want to believe myself to be the character I have created myself as, I don't want my act to be exposed, not to others and not to myself, I will fight/argue to hold on to my opinion/idea/statement to prove myself right, as I am fighting for the survival of myself as the character. And again, I have created this character as myself to cover up the actuality of my beingness which is to believe that I am not all that, not smart, interesting, valuable…
So in essence, the fear of being wrong is the fear of losing myself as the character/personality I have created myself as, within the fear that if I lose this character the actuality of my beingness will be exposed, and since I have not walked myself into self acceptance/love I resent, I do not accept myself, and that is why I hide from myself through creating characters to survive through/as.
When I am being corrected, this point is triggered, as someone is showing me that that which I present myself as is false. I can react in two ways, I either go into ego as superior and attack with blame and spitefulness, or I would go to self diminshment and feel sorry for myself, in both cases I am actually acting out from a starting point of not accepting myself unconditionally, because if I would have I wouldn't need to validate myself through presenting knowledge, I wouldn't need to be validated through other's appreciation and approval.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being wrong, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as who I am according to wither I am wrong or right, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trap my own existence within the polarity of wrong/right, moving back and forth desiring the one and fearing the other, living within a constant state of energy through my own acceptance and creation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on knowledge and information instead of valuing life as what is practically here as the physical, not as an idea/opinion in my mind which is not and cannot be lived but only talked about as a way to create myself as a character to be accepted/approved/loved/appreciated within the starting point of not accepting/loving/appreciating myself for how I am as life, due to not allowing myself to self honestly know/be myself as life because I have blinded myself and forgotten myself within the constant participation within the mind as characters/personalities
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my knowledge and information to be true, as the truth, without having investigated it for myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the specific information that validates me within the created characters I have existed as and thus use information to build my character up in complete disregard of the actual truth of me and of the physical reality, but done from a starting point of self interest to make me more than, more powerful, more interesting, more smart, and within that to accumulate knowledge as points of power, that then when these points are challenged I go into the other side of the polarity as being exposed as less than, less smart, less interesting, less powerful, and thus have allowed myself to exist in the energy polarity of right/wrong
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I must impress those around me with interesting knowledge and information as to buy their acceptance, instead of allowing myself to accept myself, through gifting myself with the gift of forgiveness, as I forgive myself for separating me from myself, as I forgive myself for allowing myself to exist as energy instead of living here as breath, one and equal to/as/within myself, within/as the physical, as one and equal as life, I forgive myself for diminishing myself and limiting myself to exist as the mind instead of allowing myself to exist as breath, here as life, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as an idea, as a dream, instead of allowing myself to wake up and actually live as myself, within/as breath, as what is real as the physical body in this physical reality.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have been reacting to other people's comments/questions/challenges because I have not accepted myself, and thus have been seeking this acceptance else where, from an external source, instead of giving myself to myself within self honesty as this is who I am, and only through accepting myself and embracing myself for every part of me, can I then start to change myself within self direction and become that which I would want to pass on to my children, to become a being that supports all life within equality, a being that can be trusted, thus how can I trust myself if I don't accept myself and thus believe I have to justify everything I do because I know in my core that what I do is unacceptable, but here is the catch, I must accept myself as who I am within all that is unacceptable, to be able to forgive myself, to be able to change as what is best for all
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto knowledge and information as a point of self validation, as it gives me power, as knowledge is power, instead of finding this power within/as myself through being self honest in every breath, through knowing/facing who I am within every moment, to not be dependent on anything outside of me as information to validate me, but to live breath by breath, here, and to validate myself by the fact that I am here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the fear of being wrong, and within that, instead of seeing the point of the polarity that is fucking with me, to build up on top of the knowledge more layers of manipulation as I argue and fight in the name of my truths, instead of humbly quieting down within breath, and returning back here to my physical body, letting go of the energetic build up, and allowing myself to be here, within the understanding that being right/wrong doesn't define me, because it is based on the lie of the mind, it is based in energy, it is based in polarity, and thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to be directed in this physical reality by that which is an illusion, and thus allow the illusion to influence/control direct me within/as the physical reality, where I realize that the illusion is based on self interest/survival and thus manifests a reality, through my physical actions, as I participate within/as the illusion, that creates hell on earth as what we see around us today
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as characters/personalities, and within believing myself to be these characters/personalities I have created myself as, I allow myself to exist in constant fear of losing myself, not realizing that I cannot lose myself here in breath, because I am here in breath, I can only lose myself in the mind, as accepting myself as less than myself as life itself, but believing I am the limited and self created characters that are in fact programed and have no free choice, but are directed through fuzzy logic as each character knows how to behave in every given situation, beased on past memories, and thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to go into negative energetic reactions within fear of losing myself as the characters of the mind, instead of doing everything in my power to rid myself from these characters as they diminish the living force which is who I am as life, and diminish me to exist as a lie, as an act, as fake, as a character, as a scripted, lifeless character
Sunday, November 4, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension – Part 1
Within the fear of failing is see that I have defined failure as a "detrimental mistake", a mistake or series of mistakes that determines the end result of an activity / application/project as a failure. Within this I see that I have defined failure as deterministic / final / complete / done / finished, as the accumulation of the efforts that have been put into a project / activity have resulted in nothing, a failure, a waste of time.
I've attached a negative energetic charge to failure, I have deemed it as "bad" by definition, this is what we are taught from a very young age through the schooling system, and thus within seeing / defining failure as bad, if one fails then one might attach the negative charge and identify it with oneself as a self definition, and thus by failing, one might define self as bad/wrong/stupid/a failure.
Within failing I see a point of giving up - to fail one must first give up, other wise they would try again and again, thus once one defines failure would be at a point of stopping, a giving up. I see within this a point of self diminishment, as giving up would come from the self belief that one cannot do it, one has tried and tried and now they believe it's time to give up and thus define the project/activity and themselves as a failure. As if one is defined by the outcome of their efforts, and not by the starting point… interesting...
In regards to "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" I find that when I am being corrected I react to it as if I have failed, and within that accept within me an experience of giving up, thus I allow myself to participate in self diminishment, instead of looking at the point/correction in common sense, and not allowing myself to go into giving up / self diminishment, and simply allow myself to correct myself, within this I see that when I do give up and go into self diminishment I am more likely to believe my own self diminishment and not do as well the next time, creating a loop of failure that feeds off of itself, and so I pave the way before me for failing, thus creating my fear through participating in the fear itself.
Failure can only exist within the polarity of fail/success, thus must be investigated as all polarities are mind driven/created, so, how do I remove the polarity from the construct of failure? Failure, from a common sense, practical perspective, can be seen as a directive decision to stop/end a project due to practical analysis that it is not worth pursuing any longer for practical/physical reasons, not from a starting point of giving up within the experience of self diminishment, but simply from a starting point of for example, looking at the time one has and making a self directive decision to use ones time more effectively in a different project, or acknowledging that the idea/project isn't holding up and thus deciding to investigate other options/solutions/ideas - the point being to let go the giving up experience within it, letting go the "bad" feeling/association attached to it, and not doing it from a starting point of self diminishment as well as not defining oneself accordingly as unworthy/failure, thus not attaching the decision to end a project to ones definition of self.
The same goes for success, where it is seen as positive, but actually it is simply a project/application/task that came to it's completion - no polarity or energetic reaction necessary.
In context of the principle of that which is best for all, there is no polarity nor energy attached to any of this, as it is all done within the starting point of what is best for all, and thus if a project is stopped or continued until completion would be in consideration of what is practically evident and within consideration of what is best for all, and would not be based on ego or self diminishment.
So, as with the point of fear of making mistakes, through taking away the "bad" connotation one has with making mistakes, what remains is an opportunity to learn and expand and thus apply oneself more effectively through it, same goes here, once removing the polarity of failure/success and looking at it from a starting point of what is best for all, as removing all the positive/negative connotations and removing the emotional/self diminishment/giving up/ego starting point, what remains is a project/task that has been decided to be stopped through applying common sense as evaluating the situation practically and without any energy attached and without connecting self's definition to the point at hand.
I will continue with self forgiveness on this point in my next blog
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