Showing posts with label addiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label addiction. Show all posts
Friday, September 19, 2014
I have watched the
movie Old Boy, read and was inspired by these two following blogs, my writing is
building upon that which I have read, so please go ahead and read them for
better context.
After watching the
movie and reading the blogs, the point that is coming up for me, in regards to
how we can learn from the movie to better ourselves and our life experience, is
by taking it all back to self.
The movie is clearly
about two men stuck in a revenge cycle, where the one imprisons the other for
15 years as revenge for something he blames him for that happened in their
childhood, then the other seeks to pay back the man who imprisoned him, only to
find that the revenge wasn't over. They hurt innocent bystanders as each
other's loved ones and associates as part of their revenge towards one another.
They stop at nothing. They are moved, motivated and controlled by revenge, it
is all they see, it is all they live for.
These men have given
up their lives in possession and obsession of revenge.
The movie is
expressed in a very extreme way and thus makes it very clear for the viewers to
see the madness that revenge can drive us to, within that as well to see how
wasteful and utterly ludicrous this revengeful behavior is, to spend ones
entire life in revenge, instead of letting go, starting fresh, and allowing
oneself to enjoy and live a full life.
Once I can see the
construct clearly within the movie, presented in the for of one man doing to or
against another man, I like to ask myself where else do I see this construct in
my life and environment. Where do I see the same play out played by different
characters.
What intrigues me
most within exploring the lessons I can derive from this movie, is to research
this construct of revenge as I see it playing out within myself, as myself and
towards myself. In other words, seeing this construct, as it exists externally,
equally existing internally, within the principle of "as within so
without".
Let me explore the
situations where I revenge myself, hold onto grudges towards myself and blame
myself for things that are long gone from my physical experience, yet I hold
on, judge, punish and revenge myself for them, maintaining and perpetuating
this endless cycle of self abuse.
When I say revenge
as an act of self abuse, I see it as any form of deliberate self abuse (all
abuse is deliberate), done based on some point of blame, shame, guilt, judgment
from the past (it is all from the past) - so basically lot of self talk, communication with self, if
not supportive, is a form of revenge.
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to revenge myself as I hold onto memories of
things I've done or said and regret, blame, shame and judge myself for them,
instead of forgiving myself within the starting point of learning and expanding
from the experience
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to separate myself within / as myself as I
revenge myself in blame / judgment / regret, as if the one me will do something
that the other me will not approve of and thus, I forgive myself for not
accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that the revenge I
am inflicting upon myself, as punishment and abuse is an indication of a time
where I allowed myself to not be in alignment with myself, where within
participating in revenge I am perpetuating that very same structure of not
being in alignment within and as myself, and thus I forgive myself for not
accepting and allowing myself to take that experience / memory as a point of
growth, expansion and learning rather than beating myself up in revenge, blame
and punishment
I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have used revenge to
justify to myself the continuing participating in thoughts / words / deeds that
are not in alignment with that which is best for all in self honesty, where I
allow myself to think / speak / act in self interest and abuse / harm myself
and /or others in the name of protecting my mind / characters and then I
justify / validate / maintain the cycle by punishing myself in blame / judgment
and in doing so revenging myself for allowing myself to fuck up in the first
place, instead of seeing this whole entire play out, as seeing the fuck up and
the revenge that will follow, and to simply stop
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to live in the past as to remind myself of how
"I fucked up", "I should have done it this way or that
way", "I shouldn't have done that", where in each time I remind
me I am doing so in blame, shame and guilt as the form of revenge, as a way to
punish myself for what I have allowed in the past, rather than investigating my
past mistakes from a starting point of neutral self exploration, within the
realization that only through seeing myself clearly, without any judgment, just
seeing simply who / how I have allowed myself to be / do / act / say, only
through facing myself in forgiveness can I actually start a fresh page and free
myself from the chains that the past holds on me as long as I allow it, within
holding on to revenge.
I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing mysel to see that the point of payback as revenge is
an indication of living in the past and thus compromising self here for the
sake of the idea / memory of my perspective of what had happened in the past,
thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that
the point of revenge will inevitably become a point of regret and thus a point
of a self judgment / blame and thus the cycle of revenge continues, instead of simply stopping
When and as I see
myself participating in revenge, towards myself or towards others, in form of
thought, word or action, I stop myself and breathe, I stop the revengeful
though, I stop the justifying thought, I stop the belief that I was wronged or
was wrong, I stop it all and breathe. I bring myself back here and notice the
physical body that is here as me. And within breath I speak self forgiveness on
the origin point and the reaction in revenge that came up.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
I've been writing in the past few days about self commitment, this following blog is extracted from my writings, which once I finish I will publish here as well, but for now just a few realizations that came up as I was walking through some points.
---------------
I realize in each moment, in each breath, in each decision, I am faced with two options, I can support myself or not, I can direct myself or not, I can stand stable in breath or not, I can respect myself or not, I can honor myself as life or not, I can care for myself or not, I can be self honest or not, I can do what is actually in my best and highest interest as following the principle of equality and oneness and acting in alignment to what is best for all, or not.
I have a choice in each moment, and in each moment I am making and living out my decision – each decision accumulates and joins the rest, and in each decision I am creating myself, expressing who I am, as what I am deciding myself to be, what I am accepting and allowing myself to be and exist as.
It’s like each decision is a brick in the wall of myself as who I am, and so I must chose which bricks to build myself with, and these bricks will define the outcome of who I am – which brick am I using / going to use / have allowed myself to use in order to build myself from? And, am I brave enough to tare to wall down once I see that it is built with rotten and destructive bricks, will I allow myself to brake the wall of myself down in order to rebuild myself in self directive awareness?
I commit myself to dedicate myself to “accumulating bricks of self support” - when and as I see that I am participating in anything that is in contradiction to self support / self honor / self respect / self care / self honesty – I stop myself and breathe, I remind myself that I have a choice in each and every moment, and must decide who I want to be and become, I am creating myself in every breath and in every decision – and so I breathe, and walk the practical application of self honor / self respect / self honesty / self support / self care within that moment. And I trust myself to know what to do, and how to live self support / honesty / respect / honor / care in every moment.
When and as I see myself participating in anything that contradicts self support, I stop myself and breathe, and I show myself in words what I am participating in, and within showing myself and bringing it to my awareness clearly, I stop and direct myself without any hesitation towards self support / care / honor / respect / honesty.
As I’m writing this I see, realize and understand clearly that walking this path of self support /self honesty is truly a path of no energy, it is simply following the decision to walk in self honesty, not following the desire / thrill / excitement, but only walk what is best for all, simplistically - one will not get a thrill by walking this path, one will not experience an excitement or any form of positive high energy – thus I must be willing to give up the desire / dependency / addiction to positive high energy – I see it as a giving up because I still attach positive value to positive energy, I have a memory experience of it being nice and fun, and the thought of giving it up has a negative energy to it, like a loss – but, here I realize that I am allowing myself to be defined and directed by a memory and a thought, a memory of a positive energetic experience and an emotional thought as the fear of losing the possibility of experiencing again, that which I have a memory of.
As I’m writing these words I am experience like a low energy, which is raising doubt within me “am I doing the right thing?” but I breathe, and I know that this doubt is just another thought, another energy, another point I didn’t direct and thus I must not allow myself to be directed by. Simple as that. I am experiencing it as a break up, as a mourning, as an acceptance that I must say goodbye to all energetic experiences / thrills - it’s funny, I am even looking for an energetic feeling within making this decision, wanting to know if I have made the right decision through the confirmation of a good feeling, but there isn’t any, and so, the tendency is to fall right into doubt.
Making a decision – realizing I must not follow excitement / energy – realizing that this means giving up on energy / excitement – noticing the experience / thought of it being giving up brings up self doubt as to whether I am doing the “right” thing for me or not - realizing it is just another thought as negative energy and I must not allow it to direct me – because I, as myself, in self clarity, in common sense, in self honesty have made a decision as to who I want to be and how I want to walk and what principle I want to be equal to within my application – and so, anything else is just distancing myself from my self directive decision as myself – I have been allowing myself to chase my own tale, going around in circles, and not getting anywhere, always reaching the same point again and again, instead of allowing myself to walk forward, into the direction I have set myself to walk in.
Shit, man, how long will I allow myself to continue this way before I am fed up with it??
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect to feel / experience something positive within me when making a decision, and so, when the energy is not there, when there isn’t an excitement / thrill I go into self doubt towards the decision, but, within this I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see and realize that I, as who I really am, as the physical, as breath, as life, as here - do not rely on energy, and thus a directive decision does not rely / depend on energy to prove it right – and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed / controlled/ enslaved by / to energy and within the seek / desire for constant energy to compromise myself and not stand equal to and one with my decisions
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I’ve got an energy problem, that I am addicted to energy, that I desire it and follow it and want it and will manipulate for it within a deep experience and self belief that I am nothing without it, a belief that life is meaningless without experiencing it energetically.
This is the point of experiencing a sadness towards the thought of giving up the thrills / excitements within deciding to only walk what is best for all, as self support – it’s a future projection of never again allowing myself to indulge in positive high energies - it’s funny, in my mind I compare my decision to give up the energy in making decisions to what people experience when they get married, as they are giving up the opportunity and within that the excitement to be with another partner, by committing to being monogamists - but, in actuality, in both scenarios, there isn’t anything to give up besides an idea, that’s what is so ridiculous.
Another small point I see is that I’ve made many decisions that I felt so good about, like this is the right thing to do and I’ll do it like this and like that… and I go into future projections and fantasies on how I achieve this decision, and then I don’t follow through as I did in my imagination, so in essence I have proven to myself that this energy in making a decision doesn’t last, and what lasts way after the energy has dissipated is the decision itself. And so not having the energy in the first place shouldn’t affect the decision in any way.
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Friday, October 12, 2012
continue from previous blogs:
Day 51 - Blame character – Part 1
Day 52 - Blame character - Part 2 - Reacting to Tonality - Self Forgiveness
Day 53 - Blame character - Part 3 - Reacting to Tonality - Self Commitments
Day 54 - Blame Character - Part 4 - Being Repeatedly Attacked – Self Forgiveness
Day 55 - Blame Character - Part 5 - Being Repeatedly Attacked - Self Commitments
Day 56 - Blame Character - Part 6 – Enslaving Myself
Day 57 - Blame Character - Part 7 - Society's Value System - Self Forgiveness
I commit myself to stop myself within breath and ring myself back here to the physical body, when/as I see myself participating within the desire to be seen in a specific way, as I have realized that it is within participation and acceptance of the social value system, and I commit myself to stop myself from participating within it, instead I commit myself to stand as life, and support myself as life, and all life as one and equal, not allowing any value system to separate and define that which is unconditionally life
I commit myself to stop myself within the desire to be seen in a specific light as good/caring and so on, and instead to dedicate myself to actual physical change, to actually being and living that which is worthy, that which supports all life, and not to settle for anything less than that, as an ideal picture that doesn't not value life but is what it is, a one dimensional picture, because I realize that is self compromise and within it compromising all life as a whole
I commit myself stop defining myself in comparison to an ideal I have accepted through what I learnt from society, and to instead allow myself to see myself as who I actually am, as who I have created myself as, and to then change myself step by step through writing, self forgiveness, and corrective statements, because I have realized that only through specific investigation of how I have created myself, and through taking responsibility for who I am within/through writing self forgiveness, can I change myself as what is best for all within supporting myself as LIFE and not as a picture presentation idea as the ideal I have desired myself to be
I commit myself to expose and show society's value system as the abusive/separating system that it is, for accepting and allowing to define and separate those that have the skills/characters defined by society as worthy and those that don't, within this I commit myself to show through recreating myself as the living example, that for a society to thrive we do not require a value system based in separation, but rather to live within self honesty as what is best for all, and allow/appreciate self expression in any/all forms, not defined as good/bad by a value system, but only within the consideration of what is best for all within self honesty
I commit myself to stop myself from participating within/as separation through accepting society's value system as defining people as worthy or not depending on their skills and characters, within this, I commit myself to stop myself as the judgment that I have allowed myself to exist as, and thus to investigate all points of judgment within myself that I have accepted as myself due to my acceptance and participation within society's value system
I commit myself to stop myself from participating within judgment/separation towards myself and towards others, because I have realized that judging people as worthy or not worthy based on society's value system doesn't take into consideration that we, as society, haven't allowed all to have the effective tools required to live a dignified/fulfilled life, and thus by not allowing all beings equal education/financial security/health care, we are creating a platform where there will always be those that are judged as unworthy so that we, the elite, can define ourselves as worthy in relation to them and based on the value system that we have created, and feel "good" about ourselves, within this I realize that all society's value system is in fact a function of the elite, used to separate themselves from the rest, the inferior, the unworthy, and through this value system to define themselves as worthy and thus justify the fact that so many people are living an unworthy/undignified life, and yet we do nothing about it because it is justified through our value system
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself going into fear of not being accepted by society, because I realize that by fear of not being accepted I am in fact agreeing and participating with society's value system, and thus since I have realized that society's value system is a scam made to create separation and to justify inequality I stop myself from participating within it, I commit myself to through writing, self forgiveness, and corrective statements, to free myself from society's value system and create myself as w worthy living being that actually supports all life equality and does not accept any form of separation, within and without
I commit myself to use the fear of judgment as a gift, to able myself to see all points of judgment within me that I have accepted as myself, and through allowing myself to see/face myself as the fear of judgment to clear myself one point at a time from all accepted/allowed judgment, until I am here, clear of all judgment and free from fear, within this I commit myself to investigate any/all points of reaction within me in relation to fear of judgment/self judgment/judging others within accepting society's value system as a guide line, and within this I commit myself to stop myself from participating in society's value system, and to direct myself as what is best for all equally, within/as breath
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself judging others as not worthy based on society's value system I have accepted as my own and have been participating with, I commit myself to when/as I see myself fall into judging others I stop and breath, I realize that any judgment I project onto others is a reflection/projection of my own fear of being judged within the point that I am busy with judging, and thus I commit myself to investigate the points of self judgment and to free myself through self forgiveness and accept myself and all equally as life
I commit myself to stop myself from acting within the limitation of society's value system and to allow myself to express myself unconditionally without fear, I realize this will take a process to walk through, thus I commit myself to when I see myself resisting from expressing myself unconditionally to investigate the point until I stand as myself in every breath, stable, here
I commit myself to walking a process of self acceptance, within stopping all self judgment, through writing, self forgiveness, and corrective statement, and through the realization that all participation within/as self judgment is limiting me from actually living, from being here within/as the physical, within/as breath, and this must stop, thus I commit myself to stop, and stand up as self acceptance, as life, within this I commit myself to stop myself from the dependency towards society that I have created as myself and to will myself to walk alone, stable here, within breath, through building self trust and self intimacy, to realize that all I require to accept me is me.
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Sunday, September 30, 2012
this is a follow up to my previous blogs:
Day 44 - Depression - Part 2 - The Cycle of Worthlessness
Day 45 - Depression - Part 3 - Positive Reinforcement
Self Forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dependent on positive reinforcement to be able to assess myself and recognize if I'm on the right track, within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself within not trusting myself to know within myself within/as self honesty if I'm in the "right direction" so to speak
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect to receive positive reinforcement when I do things as I should and I haven't realized the impracticality of such an expectation, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the world doesn't revolve around me and thus when I do things as I should there isn't a committee set up to applaud me, within this I realize I have been programmed to believe I am special and loved through positive reinforcement and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept such construct as program to exist within me, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the inherent limitation I have accepted as myself through the expectation for positive reinforcement and I haven't allowed myself to see the influence this construct has had on my life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to positive reinforcement as the positive feeling I would get when being positively reinforced, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within being addicted to positive reinforcement, as with any addiction, I am not self directive because I will do anything as manipulation/deception to get the high positive energy, and will lash out on beings that don't supply my drug as positive reinforcement
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lash out at beings, in words or in my mind, for not giving me positive reinforcement as the drug I crave, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify the lashing out at others through the belief/desire they should give me positive reinforcement, and within that I have created a belief that they are going through a ego problem for not giving me the positive reinforcement I believe I deserve
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame beings that don't give me the positive reinforcement that I believe I require in order to define myself as positive, and within going into blame I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind as back chat compounding the blame and justification, instead of realizing that like any addict I am responding through/as the addiction and thus cannot be trusted until I detoxify all the drug out of my system, through not allowing myself to accept positive reinforcement until I am satisfied that I can stand stable without it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in my mind, spite/revenge beings when they do not supply me with the positive reinforcement I am expecting and within that to allow myself to be nasty in my thoughts within the justification that "they deserve it" for not giving me my drug, and besides "I am not harming anybody" because it's only in my mind, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate within self honesty the consequences of participating within/as thoughts and to simply allow myself to participate with them, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the direct outflow of my participation with spiteful/revengeful thoughts as lashing out towards the other being in my mind, as the direct outflow is my allowing and accepting myself to abuse through first allowing spiteful thoughts to then allow spiteful words and then spiteful deeds towards them disregarding them as life simply because they haven't supplied me with the "hit" of positive reinforcement I was looking for
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be positively reinforced instead of pushing myself to stand as self support and stability within not needing others to validate/confirm me because I would be stable within/as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be special and within that to expect everyone around me to be so impressed with me when I do things as I should, instead of looking at it within practicality as when things are done as they should be why would anything need to be mentioned, expecting a remark when I do things as I should implies that I do not expect myself to do as I should and that I expect my environment not to expect me to do as I should, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within the expectation to receive a positive reinforcement I am implying that I do not actually expect me to succeed in what I am doing, and thus within it hide a form of self belittlement, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive positive reinforcement as a positive construct of support and I haven't seen that within it there is an implication of diminishment as an initial expectation for failure and thus a surprise as support when succeed, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the deceptive nature within positive reinforcement as a construct to keep being within a self belief of not being good enough and thus require the positive reinforcement, instead of giving actual support as suggestions for improvement within an expectation for perfection
Self Commitment 
I commit myself to, through a process of writing myself out within self forgiveness and self corrective statements, to establish self trust within myself, within this I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath from relying on positive reinforcements to "tell" me who I am and within that to "know if I'm on the right track" but instead to know who I am as myself within self honesty
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself in search of external validation
I commit myself to stop the addiction to positive reinforcement through the realization that it is in fact a self diminishing construct and I will not allow myself to participate within it anymore, thus I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I see myself fall into the pattern of desire for positive reinforcement
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when and as I see myself go into thoughts/desires of being special/the center of the universe, within this I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself going into back chat as expectation/blame for not getting the positive reinforcement I believe I should get, within this I realize the extent programming I have accepted due to my participation within/as positive reinforcement and I commit myself to stop myself within giving others positive reinforcement because I see the destructive/abusive nature of such a construct
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself lashing out at other being, within words or in the mind, for not giving me positive reinforcement and instead I commit myself to see such points as a gift given to self by them, a gift that allows me to assess myself if/where I can expand my application more, as well as to see if the desire for positive reinforcement still exists within/as me, to notice that, and forgive myself within/as self support, within that I commit myself to practice gratefulness towards beings that do not give me positive reinforcement because through them I can see my addiction and walk through it
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath from participating within/as positive reinforcement, within this I commit myself to stop myself when/as I see myself going into manipulation to try and get positive reinforcement from those around me, when/as I see myself trying to get positive reinforcement I stop and breath, I bring myself back here, and remind myself that the positive feeling is an energetic experience as a drug to an addict and is not real as life, and thus I do not in fact require it, I commit myself to, through breath, bring myself here and prove to myself again and again that all I require is being here within breath.
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself giving others or about to give others positive reinforcement, I commit myself to find within/as myself the practical wording to actually support the being and not use positive reinforcement just because it feels nice, but to consider the other as well as myself and to stop myself from participating within the construct of positive reinforcement
I commit myself to through writing and practical common sense to learn how to support another as myself within stopping myself as the pattern of giving/desiring positive reinforcement and instead to focus on the practical physicality to direct any situation within support
I commit myself to investigate thoughts and the consequences of thoughts as to not allow myself to excuse myself from taking responsibility for my thoughts through the participation within ignorance as the excuse that "it's not harming anyone" without actually taking the time and walking the process of investigating all thoughts to be able to make that statement
I commit myself to stop myself from making assumptions without investigating the point for myself in fact, as the assumption of "thoughts can't hurt/harm anyone"
I commit myself, within realizing the direct outflow of thoughts being words/deeds, to stop myself within/as breath when and as I see myself participate within thoughts of spite/revenge towards others for not giving me the energetic high I wanted for my addiction of positive reinforcement
I commit myself to excellence and perfection, within this I commit myself to do things to the fullest and not allow myself to accept anything less than 100%, within this I realize the advantage of not getting positive reinforcement as it supports mediocrity as a form of saying "it's good enough". Thus I commit myself to stop myself within breath when I see myself accepting mediocrity as accepting from myself less than my full application according to the moment within common sense and self honesty
I commit myself to myself, I commit myself to establishing self trust through writing, self forgiveness, corrective statement and walking the correction within and as breath, day by day, breath by breath
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