Showing posts with label separation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label separation. Show all posts
Thursday, December 27, 2012
I have an ideal as a list of properties that I believe should be / have, in order for me to be satisfied with myself, and I thus, expect / desire / need myself to match this ideal, as list of properties in order to achieve self acceptance. There is like an invisible scale, like a grading scale where I place myself on the scale, based on how I judge myself according to comparing myself to others - how will I know where to place myself if not in comparison to others in my life whom I've defined as more or les than me in regards to a specific property. Within this I see the illusionary state I have been existing as, where I expect myself to be one thing, as I expect /want myself to be placed high on the grade scale I have invented in my mind, and in self judgment I am never good enough, never holding up to my ideal.
An interesting thing within this is that I was going to say that in reality I am not where I expect myself to be on the grade scale, but in fact in reality, this grade scale doesn't exist - it only exists as the mind's idea and judgment, so it's not even to say that I expect myself to be more than who I am, but judge myself as less - because that would validate the grade system I have created within / as myself, the grade system that I am using as a tool to create inner conflict in my life - what I realize is that who I am will never be defined according to how high I score on some make believe scale, who I am is defined within my relationship to and as myself, within what I accept and allow within and as myself, and at the moment, what I have been allowing myself is to exist in a mind made polarity of expectation and self judgment - I have accepted and allowed myself to be and exist as self judgment, self diminishment, self rejection - I realize that it's not about what it is specifically about myself that I reject, because as long as I accept and allow myself to be and exist as self judgment I will always be able to justify any point of self judgment as valid. I've been looking at and wanting to accept the content / property of myself, when in fact, the point is who I am within the relationship to / with / as myself, regardless of the actual content, thus, despite of how I currently judge myself.
What I mean by this is that looking at the actuality of how good / nice / beautiful / smart / special / effective / clever / insightful / consistent / calm / directive I am, is still within the realm of self judgment, and thus is not valid - any point of quantifying myself is not valid - who I really am as/within self judgment is the fact that I am not equal within and as myself, I am existing within the mind as I have created an ideal based on a value system injected to me by society through my acceptance, and instead of walking my life here, in breath, as unconditional self expression, accepting myself unconditionally as myself as I am life - I have given value to all these things / properties / characters and have allowed myself to exist in separation from / as myself within expectation and judgment.
I realize that as long as I exist in the polarity of expectation and self judgment, no matter what I do, what I look like, how I apply myself, what I say, how I behave... - I will find points judge myself for, because I have been allowing self judgment, as a construct, as a design, to exist within and as myself - I realize that within accepting and allowing self judgment I realize I will never be satisfied with myself, will never be content, will never accept myself unconditionally, within the belief that only if I become more, will I allow myself to rest - but that never happens because there always is another point to judge myself for and expect myself to improve in, and thus it becomes an endless race against myself - instead of realizing that all that I am is here, and all that I must do in order to accept myself is to allow myself to deliberately stop and let go the self judgment and to will /push myself to walk a step by step, practical process into self change - thus, accepting myself not from a starting point of allowing myself to continue as I have been, because I have realized that who I have been in unacceptable, as I have been existing in my mind as self judgment, and completely separated from the reality which is here and cannot be judged in self honesty because it is what it is, and thus, within living in separation from myself within the acceptance of self judgment, I have not really been living - so self acceptance is thus to accept that this is where I am at the moment, this is who I am at the moment - and not judge myself for it, within realizing that judgment is a mind manipulation, getting me to separate from myself even further, instead of embracing myself like a child and supporting myself to learn from my mistakes and assisting myself to change into a living being that is self directive, and exist as self honor, self respect and self trust, and thus to honor, respect and trust all life as life.
But how do I become self acceptance if at the moment I am judging all that I do not accept about myself, I must then allow myself to let go the judgment - fear comes up - why do I experience the self judgment as protecting me in some way which would cause me to fear letting go of it - the point I see as justifying judgment, within the experience that it is protecting me, is from the starting point of if I judge myself I am protecting myself from others judging me, as if, if they see me judging myself they won't need to, they might even take pity on me and show me that I'm not as bad as I believe myself to be, they will even give me positive reinforcement - thus, I see within this that I am using self judgment as emotional manipulation to get positive feedback from others and to avoid negative feedback - I realize I have created myself as the character of self judgment as a defense mechanism, and have been playing the part long enough to believe it to be me in fact, to forget it is just a character that I can stop participating with in any time, as I realize it is causing harm to myself and others.
How do I stop self judgment? The only way to do it, is to simply do it - when and as I see myself go into self judgment as back chat of self judgment come up within me, or back chat of comparison or competition, or when back chat of desires or fantasies come up - I stop myself and breathe, I realize all these back chats are holding within them self judgment, and I do not allow myself to participate with self judgment any more - when self judgment comes up - I stop it immediately, when I see I have fallen into self judgment I stop myself, forgive myself in the very moment, and write out the specific back chat to walk specific forgiveness on each point of self judgment that comes up within me, until I'm done and am no longer enslaved to self judgment.
In the next blogs, I will walk a process of self forgiveness for the specific back chat of self judgment that come up during the day.
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Saturday, November 24, 2012
I've reached my 100th blog, no bells or fireworks, just another day and another blog in my journey to birthing myself as life from the physical.
What does this even mean? Am I not alive?
REALITY - The practical physical world each and everyone lives in where the physical laws and consequences are equal for everyone.
One of the most substantial points I have learned since I have been walking with desteni is learning to distinguish between what is real and what is not - there is the physical reality as that which can be touched and smelled, that which is objective and can be shared and experienced by all, and on the other hand there is the mind, as our subjective point of view / perception / perspective of reality - our mind creates within ourselves a personal illusion, as a hidden/secret alternate reality that cannot be shared or experienced by anyone else but ourselves, and it does so through our acceptance, allowance and participation, where we, as our beingness, have given our power away to the mind, and have allowed ourselves to become enslaved to it, thus allowing it to be the directive principle of our existence.
Within submitting ourselves to/as the mind, we have allowed ourselves to exist only in the mind, in ideas / thoughts / beliefs / emotions / feelings / judgments / blame / projections and believing the mind to be reality while disregarding what is actually around us as the physical, and thus we have allowed ourselves to separated ourselves from the actual physical reality as what is actually here, existing within/as an illusion of separation as the mind, instead of walking the earth, one and equal with all that exists here as the physical, as life. Thus, as the mind we are not actually living, because we are existing as an illusion - to actually live would be to stop existing in the mind as separation and to live in awareness of the physical reality and thus become one with all that is here as the physical.
We as human beings, have got it all in reverse, we have programmed ourselves to believe that our mind represents ourselves as who we are, we believe our personalities represents ourselves as who we are, we believe that being alive goes hand in hand with utilizing our mind - "I think therefore I am" - because that is how it's always been, that's what we've learnt from our parents and society - we've never once considered that we are the ones that have created these personalities as ourselves which would indicate that we, as our beingness, were here first independent on the personalities, and that from our first breath we have been here, alive - only then, after our first breath, did we start "thinking", we started learning and interpreting what we see, judging what we see, and soon enough we have programmed ourselves as organic robots, disregarding our own breath, disregarding our own physical body, disregarding the fact that all that exist, exists here together and creates together all that is here, disregarding the simple fact that all is one from perspective of physicality, as one "cloud" of substance that has no actual borders and definitions - we are not actually separated as we, the "intelligent" human, have perceived and believed ourselves to be. And, due to our misunderstanding of the existence which we live in, we have given more value to the illusion as the mind, and no value to life, as the earth, as nature, as other living beings, as each other, and as ourselves - and we are living the result and outflows of this misunderstanding as we see evident in a cruel and abusive world system, that doesn't support life, but thrives on competition, self interest, manipulation and judgment - all within the realms of the mind as separation.
Existing within/as the mind is existing within an illusion that allows us to ignore everything that actually exist in our physical reality, allows us to ignore life itself, as we base our perception within self interest - we have created ourselves as personalities, and now we believe ourselves to be defined by these personalities, and thus participate only with that which supports our personalities and benefits them, enhances them, thus, existing within self interest, existing within an inherent fear of losing ourselves and thus in constant competition with one another to win. not realizing and seeing that we require energy to recreate ourselves over and over again to maintain ourselves as the personalities/characters we know ourselves to be, not realizing the destructive nature this consumption of energy has on us and existence as a whole – It works in the same way as the production of energy for electricity for example, energy is created through the consumption of the physical, turning substance into energy, and thus, our consumerism and the mere use of energy is destroying the land we walk on, destroying our home - we will fine the same construct in all dimension - as above so below, as within so without - our energy production, created and used to maintain our personalities, to survive as we know ourselves as the mind, is consuming our physical bodies, and thus destroying our home.
The more one investigate, one will see that the mind, within it's thirst for energy, is in fact the cause of all the suffering/abuse/conflict that exist in the physical reality where living beings are starving, being raped, abused, as we manipulate each other, destroy our home planet, pollute the water, make animals, plants and nature go instinct - this is all the result of human beings "nature" as we have allowed ourselves to exist as the mind.
What I have realized through this process of self investigation, is that the mind is very deceptive and manipulative, it never actually looks out for my best interest as looking out for myself as life, it is only looking out for it's own interest/survival - what does this mean? The mind needs energy to exist, it needs our participation to generate this energy, it does this through creating conflict and friction through the perception of separation, just like a battery that requires a plus and minus, a polarity, and just like how friction creates heat - so the mind creates friction as conflict within ourselves and our relationships, and creates the perception of separation as polarity, to generate energy for it's survival, disregarding ourselves as the beingness as who we are as life, equal and one to all that is life, to all that is here, to the physical as ourselves - all done to ensure it's survival - so why do we call this "self interest"? because at the moment we exist as the mind, we believe it to be ourselves, we experience the survival fear as our own – We have not yet realized ourselves as life, we believe ourselves to be the mind, and thus are equal to it and one with it - and this is the process, of rebirthing ourselves as life from the physical, that we are walking within this journey to life - to discover ourselves as life, through letting go of anything and everything that we have defined as ourselves through the mind, to return to nothingness, so that from a clean slate, so to speak, we can realize ourselves, without the veil of the mind, but simply as who we are, because once we remove all the layers of the mind - all that remain is ourselves, as life, within/as breathe, here.
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Thursday, November 15, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4
Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5
Day 85 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 6
Day 86 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 7 - Self Forgiveness
Day 87 - Fear Dimension - Inferiority - Part 8
Day 88 - Fear dimension - Part 9 - self commitment
Day 89 - Fear dimension - Authority - Part 10
Day 90 - Fear dimension - Part 11 - Self forgiveness
Day 91 – Fear Dimension – Part 12 - Fear of Losing MySelf
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as good/positive and thus fear losing this definition of myself within believing that without this self definition I will be lost/gone, not realizing that the definition I have of myself, based on the values/morals I was brought up as, as part of my family/society , is within a polarity of good/bad, right/wrong, and thus based on judgment of the mind, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by living as a self definition I am not allowing myself to actually see me, as know who I actually am, because my perception has been tainted through the desire to fit in what I believe to be desired/accepted by the society/family within the norm/value system , thus I have allowed myself to mold myself into a definition I believed to be suitable for me, thus suppressing myself as who I really am, as not allowing myself to see the parts of self that don't fit into that predefined mold, as not allowing myself to even know the totality of who I am in fact, in order to hold on to a definition I have created as myself, without considering anything else besides my perceived survival, not realizing that by allowing myself to be directed by the fear of survival I have actually sacrificed myself as life, and thus now, instead of allowing myself to expand as life and change within the principle of what is best for all life, I have trapped myself in self created and accepted definitions that I have created as a survival mechanism within self interest not considering myself as life and all as life in equality, allowing myself to exist and participate within/as the mind as separation of myself and reality as a whole
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a definition, as a one dimensional, static, based in the past, 'dead' definition instead of realizing myself as life, as a live, dynamic, ever changing, ever expanding, multi dimensional living being that is by definition indefinable because any definition would be a form of limitation/enslavement and thus not align with or supportive of life as who I am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the definition of myself as good/positive within believing that it actually defines who I am, not realizing that who I am is not in fact limited to a definition and that existing as a definition is based on self diminishment as a mind manipulation to keep me enslaved within separation ad not know/realize who I am as life, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing definitions I believe to be true within/as my reality, as the religion of self as the religion of knowledge, as I have based my point of view on these definitions/beliefs and if I am to change the definition/perspective I have on reality it would mean I have to change myself as my point of view will change, within this I realize that there exist a fear within me as to not wanting to change myself, where I want to change without changing due to fear of change, due to fear of stepping out of the comfort zone of what is familiar as how I know reality to be, and to step into a new unfamiliar experience of the world and my reality through the new/corrected definition/perspective, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change, and within that to allow myself to be limited as who I believe myself to be, not allowing myself to expand/grow/change within realizing that what I believed to be true doesn't stand, and thus must be let go of, in order to find a new and more accurate, more supportive, more applicable definition/perspective that actually supports self as life and all as one as equal and doesn't support the polarity of the mind, as comparison / limitation / judgment / abuse, I realize the world that exist today must change, and thus all definitions/perspectives that create the world must be changed in order to "make room" for a new definitions/perspectives that actually takes all life into consideration and supports life as what is here in the physical reality and not supports the mental alternate reality of the mind in definitions / judgments / limitations / beliefs / comparison...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do everything in my ability to protect the definition of myself as good/positive, within this allowing myself to disregard myself as who I really am within the deepest/hidden parts of me as to ignore myself as the evil that exist within/as me as to remain within the self belief of being good/positive, not realizing that through not allowing myself to see the totality of who I am, and only existing within the narrow definition I have created for myself, I am in fact suppressing myself in order to exist/live as an idea, which is really silly when you think about it - I have preferred to live as an idea instead of allowing myself to be/live/express the totality of myself and within that to will/push myself to change anything that isn't aligned with what is best for all within the principle of equality and oneness. so basically, instead of changing myself from within to be aligned with what is best for all within equality and oneness, as being the person I want to be, a person of dignity that supports all life in fact, within and without, I have suppressed myself, and thus actually hiding from myself those parts of myself that require attention and correction, so instead of changing I have suppressed, not realizing that as long as I suppress myself I am still directed/enslaved by the points of suppression that I am hiding from myself, because of the fear of letting them come out, not seeing the influence they still have on me through allowing them to still be a part of me through deliberate suppression, so within this I realize the self sabotage pattern of keeping myself confined to a narrow self definition as a way to actually keep me enslaved to all the darkest most evil parts of me that are actually the directive principle of me as long as I don't face them and accept myself as them to, through accepting the totality of myself, without any judgment, change myself, through writing, self forgiveness, and breath, until I am standing stable as life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the thought/idea of changing the definition I know of frequency, within believing that the definition I have is the only one that could ever be valid, not allowing myself to consider that all that exists now in the world is based on the current accepted definitions, and thus to change what is here we must allow ourselves to change any and every definition into that which supports life and is best for all, if we want to create a world that is best for all. I realize that the world is a reflection of all the definitions we accept within it, and thus all definitions must be investigated and redefined as to what is best for all, thus within realizing this I now see that any resistance I have towards changing a definition of any word is based in self interest, as I don't want to change the word because I don't want to change myself within/as the word, due to believing that I benefit from how things are as it is, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself and all within resisting the change and redefinition of words, and thus not allowing myself to consider changing the definition of 'frequency', I see within this I have attached an energetic value to the definition I have of 'frequency' as it symbolizes my studies, it symbolizes my intelligence, it symbolizes my knowledge, and that is what I fear letting go of - I fear letting go of the advantage I have over others because I have knowledge as to what is frequency, thus desiring a superior position of knowledge, instead of allowing myself to be humble, and to learn/create/accept the new definitions together, within only one point to direct as a living principle as what is best for all, putting a side all self interest as wanting to be smart/intelligent/superior, and to focus on the only thing that matters - equality and oneness as what is best for all
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing myself within giving up a definition of myself or of something I believe to be true, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the experience that I can be lost through losing/giving up a definition, not realizing that within this I am making a statement that I am the definition, a one dimensional, static, based in the past, dead definition, and not a live, dynamic, ever changing, ever expanding, multi dimensional living being, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to a definition within the accepted belief of myself as a definition I have created myself as
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within fear and resistance when I experience/believe I am about to lose/change my definition of myself or of something in my world, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be enslaved to the definition within allowing myself to be directed by it, in defense of it, not allowing myself to be here within/as breath, in every moment and as the change of definition come to allow myself to look at it without fear, simply to see what is here within common sense as I allow myself to be the directive principle of myself and my reality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when being corrected / told what to do, because within my interpretation of the situation I am being defined other than how I would like to define myself as, and within that I experience inner conflict as to who I am and how I am being seen, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in a limited experience of myself and within that to protect this experience of myself within reaction as blame and anger towards others/situations that challenge myself within the limited experience I have accepted as myself, instead of allowing myself to let go of the experience as the familiar definition I have of myself and allow myself to expand / grow / change, accepting any and every change as a gift and allow myself to be grateful to any and every correction, challenge as to only through these points, of what is now still experienced as inner conflict, will I ever be able to see myself and change into a living being that is self directive, self honest and within that self supportive and supportive of all as life in equality and oneness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the thought/idea of changing the definition of frequency within fear of not knowing any thing anymore, not being able to trust anything that I believe to know, within fear of not being able to trust anything that I have trusted and have defined myself as all my life, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself as life, here, stable, standing, and instead to place my trust in knowledge and thus when this knowledge is challenged I experience it as I lose the grip of myself instead of remaining standing as I am here, regardless of the knowledge and definitions we use to explain/express reality - reality, as myself, is here, it doesn't need to be defined, definition is only a practical tool for communication, it is limited within it's application, and thus is used for communication but doesn't actually define anything, it is just an idea, a concept, within this I realize that I, as life, am not a concept or idea, thus I realize that changing the definition is using the same tool in a different way, to explain and expand the understanding, in order to provide a more clear view of reality, but that is what it is, a view, and not reality itself, same as me, the definition of me can only show/explain an aspect of me, it will never actually be me, as I am not a definition, I am alive, as life
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Friday, November 9, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4
Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5
Day 85 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 6
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire being special, within believing that only through being special will I deserve the right for being accepted / loved / appreciated, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that one needs to do something or be someone special in order to have the right to live in dignity and honor, not realizing that within this belief I am allowing and justifying abuse through disregarding beings due to them not being special, as not good / interesting / smart enough to earn their right to live peacefully
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I must do/be something special within the starting point of survival within the belief that I need to be accepted / loved / appreciated by others to survive in this world and live a life of content, not realizing that that within the principle of equality and oneness all have the basic right to live with dignity/respect/support and it is within this belief that I allow the current system to continue as it is within creating competition as to who is most special to be granted the right for happiness, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the desire to be appreciated / loved / accepted by others is indicating to me that I am not accepting myself, and within that indicating that I am in fact living as separation from/as myself, and thus it is not about being special, to survive through the acceptance of others within separating from myself, but rather about accepting myself within self honesty to be one with myself to be then able to change myself within the principle of equality as what is best for all, to create a world that no one needs/requires to be special in any way to survive and live a dignified life, and within not having to be special within a starting point of survival to be able to actually live as self expression as our individuality and allow ourselves explore/enjoy life as life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ordinary within the idea I have attached to being ordinary as not good enough, not special, not worthy, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept the concept of equality within fear of being like every body else, not realizing that I have attached an idea I have created in my mind, trying to interpret equality through the eyes of the mind, and within that exist in fear of equality due to the fear of not being special / unique, thus I realize that any fear I hold towards equality within the fear of being ordinary is a result of my mind's interpretation within fear, not allowing myself to realize myself as life and to see the vast possibilities of self expression when one doesn't live in fear of survival within putting on personalities of specialness, which are in fact all lies, in order to get along in society, based on the starting point of not actually accepting oneself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear/resist/react to being corrected due to the fear of letting go of my personality of being special, and within that to have people see that I am not as special they might have thought I was, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear other people's bubble of me burst, not seeing that I have been living a lie within letting/allowing others to see me through a veil of personalities/characters, and thus have never allowed myself to actually live as self expression as who I am, within the initial starting point of separation, thus I commit myself to walking the process of self intimacy within self honesty, to know myself and accept myself and become one and equal within/as myself, to let go the desire of being special, within creating personalities to deceive those around me, and instead to live as myself in dignity, and will/push myself to change in any point I see need direction within a starting point of being/becoming living example of equality as what is best for all, within realizing that it starts with self as self acceptance within equality and oneness within/as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present myself as special within a self created personality, within using it as a form of manipulation to impress others and get things done my way, while at the same time believing myself to be more than others due to believing my self created specialness, and thus more deserving of having my self interest satisfied, while disregarding all around me within considering their interests as what is best for all within equality as the interest that serve and support all, as I have defined myself as special, more important and thus more deserving to have my desires met, within this
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and justify the concept of specialness, and within that positively reinforcing children through telling them they are so special, within that creating the connection between being accepted and the necessity of being special, within that creating fear of losing that specialness, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the very construct of specialness is based in fear, and is not supportive of life one bit, within creating the desire and dependency on being seen as special, creating the expectation of being special, creating the attraction to those that we perceive are special, creating competition and much much more, all in the name of separation, of not actually knowing who we are as life, not accepting ourselves,
I commit myself to show that the teaching/programming of children of the concept of specialness is abusive and disregards all life as equals, as it creates a condition of being special as a necessity for a substantial fulfilled life, within this I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself going into the energy of desire of being special, and bring myself back here in awareness of equality as all life is here and does not need to be special, all is what it is, and any form of specialness would be a result of judgment as separation
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Thursday, November 1, 2012
This blog is a follow up from my previous blog
Day 69 - Friendship - Part 11 – Spitefulness – Part 1
Day 70 - Spitefulness - Part 2 - Self Forgiveness
Day 71 - Spitefulness - Part 3 - Self Commitments
Day 72 – Spitefulness – Part 4 – More Characters – Self Forgiveness
Day 73 - Spitefulness - Part 5 – Self Commitments
Day 74 - Spitefulness - Part 6 - Self Forgiveness
Day 75 - Spitefulness - Part 7 - Self Commitments
Day 76 - Spitefulness - Part 8 – Both Sides of the Coin - Self Forgiveness
Day 77 – Spitefulness – Self Realization
NOTE - This specific blog was written as an ongoing self support writing, as I was writing my daily blogs in regards to spitefulness, I'm posting it here as the final blog in the series, for the time being.
I've been opening up the point of spitefulness, but I see I cannot yet actually forgive it because I am still not allowing myself to see it without judging it. Thus I will dedicate this blog to defuse the self judgment regarding spitefulness, so that I can actually face the point within self honesty, here as breathe, and walk it through forgiveness.
I've been hurting myself all day, bumping into things, and creating pain within/as my physical body as myself. Is this how I am punishing myself, now that I see the evil I have become? I realize I am yet to actually see the evil as myself in it's totality, but I realize it exist within me, thus, I have allowed myself to be the judge of myself and now sentencing myself with the punishment as pain - but what do I get out of it? Is that how I would treat a child that I found out was nasty and evil? No. I would find out why, I would ask them to share all the points in detail so that we can walk them together and find new solutions/ways of action to exist in/as, I would support them to see their ways and to change. judging or punishing them would achieve nothing.
i commit to treat myself as i would treat a child to allow myself the innocence of a child, within realizing that I deserve to be embraced as a child because I never actually grew up into adulthood from perspective of actually learning how to effectively walk this life - so I'm learning now, for the first time, like a child, through allowing myself to see what I have done, who I have allowed myself to exist as, and to change, within the principle of innocence as equality and oneness, as finding the way to exist that is in fact best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being spiteful not realizing that by judging myself I am creating another character/dimension/system, and not actually supporting myself in changing the pattern/character of spitefulness, but rather hiding it from myself through self judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for all the spiteful memories that have been coming up, instead of taking them one by one, and allowing myself to investigate them within self honesty, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being nasty towards beings in my life, lying to them, abusing them, not supporting them, using them as a tool to feel strong and powerful at their expense within disregarding them as life, disregarding them as living beings that walk this earth and are in fact my equals
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being spiteful because I have created myself as the main personality as being a nice/good person and thus I realize that within walking the point of myself as spiteful I will have to let go of the nice/good personality that I have believed myself to be if I am to admit to being spiteful, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my own self created personalities, that I have sculptured myself as through the years within self interest as I have realized that it is the most effective personality for me to exist as within the society I come from, and thus I forgive myself for not allowing myself to let go of the nice/good personality that I have put in so much energy to create and maintain, because I fear not being a nice/good person, who will I be if I am not nice/good. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the nice /good act as a character because I have learnt from those around me that that is the way for me to get that which I want which is to be loved/approved/appreciated/accepted, and within where I come from, to get that one must be a nice/good person, thus within opening up the spiteful character I fear losing myself as the nice/good person, not allowing myself to stand up and face the fact that the nice/good person I believe myself to be is but an illusion, an act, a character, made up by myself and thus there is nothing really to lose because it has never really been me in fact, it has always just been an act.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being spiteful and within the judgment I have allowed myself to go into shame due to the spiteful thoughts as back chat I have been participating within and hiding from the eyes of all, including myself, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use judgment/shame to keep me trapped/enslaved to the mind as the characters and personalities I have created myself as and now within believing myself to be them, not wanting to let them go in fear, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go the personalities because I fear losing myself and within this fear I am anxious about what demons will emerge if I let go the act of being a nice/good person, within believing myself to be a nice/good person I have existed as/within a polarity and thus I fear losing the positive side of the polarity due to the fear of falling into the negative side, not realizing that by letting go both sides of the polarity I, as self, remain, so within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go the polarity of good/bad and thus trap myself in the fear of letting go the good and falling into bad, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself within separation of myself as not knowing who I am and thus fearing of what will emerge if I am to let go the act, and expose myself to myself within the back chat/hidden mind
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I do in fact know myself as the demon of spitefulness, but will not allow myself to actually look at it due to accepting myself as the character of judgment, not realizing that only through letting go the judgment and allowing myself to face myself can I start moving/directing myself into self change as that which is best for all within equality and oneness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live/exist as self judgment and thus, within judging myself for who I am, I have created a belief within me that I must act like a good/nice personality/character in order to be worthy of living, not realizing that within allowing myself to participate in expressing myself through a character I have diminished myself time and time again to further believe that I must hide as who I am because if I just allow myself to be me I will not be loved/approved/validated/accepted, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize that by participating in self judgment I am in fact recreating over and over the pattern of self judgment, not realizing that through living as it I am making the pattern stronger and myself as life as self expression weaker, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself through self judgment, not realizing the cycle of self diminishment I am allowing myself to exist as through my participation within/as self judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must be loved/approved/validated/accepted in order to survive and thus have allowed myself to compromise myself within the starting point of believing I am not worthy for acceptance, not realizing that the only one who I really need/want to accept me, in order to be able to survive, is me, and thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept/love me, because I have always judged myself as not good enough, and not worthy, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself within/as spitefulness, even though that is in fact who/what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, and thus, I sabotage myself through sabotaging any chance of self realization and change, because if I do not accept myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to become as spitefulness, how will I ever be able to forgive myself within embracing myself as life and making a commitment to change, I realize that only through real self honest self forgiveness will I be able to humbly see myself as the fuck up that I am, as spitefulness/evil, and to from seeing who/what I am to walk the process of self change, within this I realize that without allowing myself to initially accept myself within the realization that I have created myself as such because I didn't know any better, and now that I do, I can do what is required to change, within this I realize that now, knowing/seeing this point, if I still don't do what it takes to change, which is to let go the judgment and move on in self correction, then I know I am in fact spiteful towards myself for not allowing myself to do what it takes within deliberate self sabotage, because now I am that much more responsible, thus, I know I must let go the judgment/shame, and go deep, and allow myself to see myself within realizing that I am a organic robot, a system, and not to take it personally, I am here now, as self directive principle, walking myself into life, into change. So I realize there is no point hitting myself over the head for what is in the past and cannot be changed, the only practical thing to do, is to see it for what it is, and allow myself to move through it as self acceptance, as myself without separation
I realize that I must accept myself as spitefulness, as the evil of all evil, I must be willing to see all those evil/nasty/dark parts of me within self honesty and thus no judgment, because all is one - evil exists and spitefulness exists, so it exists as me and I exist as it, as long as I don't allow myself to see me as the evil of all evils I am separating myself from all that is here, as murder, rape, starvation, manipulation, abuse, greed, gossip, blame - I am all that, all that exists in me, and I must allow myself to see this, to actually see it as myself as self realization so that I can figure out how I designed myself as it, so that I know how/why/when I do it, so that I can stop myself and change. I realize that if I don't allow myself to investigate myself as all the evil that I see exists in the world, it would mean I am shutting my eyes, I am not willing to be part of it - but I am part of it.
I know I am courageous enough to face this point, I am here, that's all that I really need, I am here, I don't need the appreciation/acceptance/validation of any one, all I need is to breathe here and move myself, and see myself as all the evil that I have participated within, as all the evil that exist, so that I can learn from it, so that I can change myself, so that I can show others that which I have learned and changed and they can also learn and change, so that we can all stop fucking around within/as spitefulness/evil, as we create a world of abuse/suffering, and start living as support of all as equals and create a heaven on the earth that we share.
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Monday, October 8, 2012
continue from previous blogs:
Day 51 – Blame character – Part 1
Day 52 - Blame character - Part 2 - Reacting to Tonality - Self Forgiveness
Day 53 - Blame character - Part 3 - Reacting to Tonality - Self Commitments
Within the blame character I have noticed the point of experiencing myself as being attacked when spoken to in a way that I react to, such as being corrected, or spoken too in a specific tone, I am thus opening up the point of feeling like I'm being attacked, as one of the steps within the blame construct. In my previous blog I opened up the point of reacting to tonality, and now I will open up the experience of being attacked repeatedly, as an expected part of a relationship with another
Within the previous blog I have looked at reacting to the tonality of people within interpreting it as being an attack, now I am looking at the reaction that come up within me when I perceive myself to being attacked repeatedly
If I perceive myself to be attacked often and repeatedly I experience a form of desensitizing, like a form of coping mechanism where I zone out and ignore/suppress the reactions within me, another point within perceiving myself to being repeatedly attracted is that I lose my perception of what is important, like there is no big and small scale, it all becomes with the same intensity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in relationships where I experience myself being attacked repeatedly and I do not direct the point but instead accept it as "that's how things are", and thus, within believing "this is how things are" I forgive myself for not allowing myself to investigate the point of reaction within myself but instead turn to blame, and thus have not allowed myself to take responsibility and direct the point, but have accepted it as a "fact of life"
Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the point clearly within having a clear understanding if it is all in my head, as in self created or is does it have to do with the other as well, as them taking part within participating in abuse/attack, either way it must be stopped, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within being attacked repeatedly and thus have given up on a chance to actually enjoy myself as life, as I have accepted the experience of abuse as a way of living, not trusting myself to stand up for myself and to make sure I do not allow myself to experience any abuse wither through clearing my own back chat of the mind as the creator or wither changing/stopping the abusive relationship - either way I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take abuse as a way of life and thus not respect/honor myself as life that deserves to live free of abuse
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within believing myself to being attacked, to experience being attacked over and over, and within that to imprint the first experience of attack and in each time it happens again to accumulate it as another memory, bigger and bigger each time, to then, create an experience within myself as if I have been attacked repeatedly, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not only believe that I am being attacked by the words/tonality another is speaking, but to allow such an experience to repeat itself over and over within accepting myself as helpless to the situation and create myself as less than the situation and the other being, over and over, instead of changing myself within changing how I perceive the interaction within realizing that I am only "attacked" if I believe myself to be attacked through reacting to it, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attack myself within my mind over and over and create myself as the victim character while all along blaming the other for attacking me as the one that created the situation and is responsible for it, when in fact I have done it to myself within/as my mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate the different experiences of being attacked as a big intense experience of being repeatedly attacked, and within that to react each time with grater energy, even though the actual "attack", or what I perceive to be an attack, is not grater each time, but because I haven't directed the situation effectively and have accepted it to continue I react to it more and more, and within accepting myself as the victim over and over, I then blame the other for victimizing me, instead of realizing that I am responsible for the whole entire accumulation of the situation through not directing it and accepting the mind to direct it as myself as a victim, and within that to hide my own creation through the construct of blame
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate experiences of being attacked, and form an experience within myself as being repeatedly attacked, thus living within/as the past as memory, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instead of stopping the mind and actually looking at the physical situation and thus directing the situation within breath, to create a coping mechanism that keeps me further from seeing what is actually here as the physical, as I distant myself from the situation by desensitizing myself to the attacks, thus what I am doing in fact is suppressing the experience through "zoning out", numbing myself to the situation, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to direct the point within stability, through communication, and instead to accept the situation as a given fact and to "deal" within through numbing myself as zoning out, thus accepting and allowing it to continue
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself within creating the experience of being repeatedly attacked to instead of actually facing the situation within common sense as looking at the physical reality of what is here and moving myself effectively within it, through investigating my reaction to see what are my buttons that are being pressed to then be able to through seeing them free myself from them, to instead distant/separate myself further from myself and further from self trust through creating another coping mechanism as "losing proportion of the situation" and not recognizing if what is being said is important or not, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself when experiencing myself as repeatedly attacked to no longer see/recognize if the point at hand is referring to a big point or small point, and thus to not allow myself to be here in the situation and evaluate what is being said and to recognize if it is crucial/important as life threatening or a petty/unimportant correction that I can consider applying or not through applying common sense
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in back chat, as reliving the experience of being attacked as a future projection for the next time, and thus planning out the situation within it's energetic state of blame/anger/spite, within this accepting it to continue instead of standing within/as myself and stopping myself, not allowing myself to indulge in back chat but willing myself to STOP
I see within accepting myself as being attacked repeatedly a point of not standing up and facing the other through direct communication due to fear of conflict, I use as justification that I am reacting and thus cannot stand in the face of the other, because I don't trust myself that I am seeing what I think I am seeing, in other words, when I experience myself being attacked by another and I react, I allow myself to doubt myself completely and only focus on my reaction instead of taking into consideration that through effective/direct communication I can support myself to understand the situation better, support myself to clear the reaction, and support the there through sharing my experience with them, to allow them to see themselves, if they are ready/willing to . So in a sense I have been accepting abuse, and taking shit from others because of fear of conflict, I will address this point blogs to follow
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Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
attack, authority, behavior, belief, blame, critisizm, emotions, energy, enslaved, negative energy, perception, reaction, self responsibility, self trust, shame, slavery, superiority, suppression, takng things personally, tonality
Sunday, July 8, 2012
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like an outsider in the world of adults due to not feeling like an adult, within that allowing myself to participate within/as inferiority and self judgment for not being good enough, within believing that I am not qualified to be an adult, that I am lacking some knowledge and way of living in order to fit in as a competent adult. Not allowing myself to see, realize and understand that I have created myself as such as a character, trapping myself within the limitation of the character as “I don’t know how to be an adult, and thus do not belong as an adult in this world of adults”, I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see, realize and understand that through my allowance I have created myself as this character and thus have the ability within stopping such allowance to stop myself as the character, due to realizing it is not of support to myself as life nor to those around me as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like an outsider in the world of children and thus separating myself from them due to the belief that children is defined by age and through the age definition I am not a children and thus do not belong in that group. I have created the definition of a child within dependence on an age range, and since I am still defining myself and others according to age, and even though I have created myself as the character of “not growing up”, I have created myself as stuck between the two world that I have separated within my definition of child/adult, and within this definition have excluded myself from both these worlds to feel like an outsider in both of them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that by separating child/adult I have created myself as an excluded character, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the connection between creating myself as the character of child/adult and the character of being excluded. Now that I see/realize the abusive nature and consequential outflow of the child character I commit myself to stopping myself from participating as this character and deleting all abusive definition as child/adult within/as myself, to allow myself to exist here not limited/judgmental due to such definitions
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the consequential out flow to my creation of myself as the character of child/adult as for instance the outflow as the character of feeling excluded within both groups which included all, so in fact through creating myself as the character of child/adult I have created a sub character of feeling excluded from everybody else within the belief that we are define according to our age and within the initial definition I have created for child/adult
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the initial definition of child/adult within defining children as not having to take self responsibility and adult as being responsible for everything, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this definition as a way to never have to take responsibility through creating myself as a character that doesn’t grow up, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify myself through the use my memory of my mother telling me she is a child that has never grown up, as an excuse to allow myself to stay a child as not taking responsibility and to feel ok with it, while actually knowing within myself that only I can take responsibility for/as myself and thus actually creating a self abusing construct of myself as a child that doesn’t take responsibility for self, while the responsibility/consequences are piling up and I am not standing up to do anything about it due to the character of being a child
I commit myself to stop myself as the child
character due to realizing the abusive nature of such a character
through allowing myself to not take self responsibility within believing the
self created definition of being a child as one that doesn’t have to take
responsibility. Within this I commit myself to change/delete the definition I hold
towards child/adult into a definition that supports all as equals not allowing
such a definition to create separation within me nor a sense of exclusion, I commit
myself to catch myself as I go into the character of feeling excluded due to
the definition of child/adult and to use such occasions as self support to
stop/remove/delete all and any definition that is allowing/creating any
separation as exclusion to exist within me
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