Day 199 – 21 days of self dedication – Leaving the Desteni Farm – day 9

Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1

Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic

Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage

Day 194 - 21 days of self dedication – misusing the desteni process

Day 195 - 21 days of self dedication - part 5 – but I am still here

Day 196 -21 days of self dedication – part 6 - experience of isolation

Day 197 - 21 days of self dedication - self value - day 7

Day 198 - 21 days of self dedication - Self Value - self forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not taking advantage of the time I had on the farm

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project this judgment as a fear of others judging me for not being effective / accomplishing anything in the time I had here at the farm, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear meeting my family / friends when I return, in fear of being judged for how I spent / what I had done with my time

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into emotional possession as an experience of fear / anxiety / worry towards meeting the people back home and facing their criticism / judgment

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed with emotions as anxiety towards my return, instead of supporting myself in writing as to open up and see the point of self judgment being projected as the source of my emotional breakdown, and within this to apply self forgiveness in taking self responsibility to change in the points that require correction, and let go the points that are merely a mind created and false judgment

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be effective in the time I had here at the farm, within not actually pushing myself in every moment to see / find / do something that will benefit me within self support

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instead of taking the time I had here at the farm, and making sure I use it as effective as I can, within realizing that time is only running in one direction, and that is out - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that time is not on my side from the perspective that every moment lost will never come back, and so, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to act from within this understanding that there isn't much time though there is much work to be done

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for wasting my time and the time of others here at the farm for taking the time in their day to give me all the support that I needed but I had take it for granted, expecting something to happen / change because they were supporting me, not accepting the fact that with all the support that I get, I must support myself and commit myself to myself and dedicate myself to myself in order for anything to happen / change in my world and experience / relationship of / with myself

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself, even here in this supportive environment, to be self honest, to communicate in self honesty, and instead I have put on an act, trying to always keep my cool, trying to always seem ok, and only when the energy build up was too much for me to handle would I uncontrollably explode with emotion - thus, not using this supportive platform effectively, in learning how to communicate to others in asking for support, and in learning how to support myself when I see so clearly that something is building up within myself

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and my time at the farm according to an idea of how it should have been to have been effective and supportive and within that I am not allowing myself to walk my own process here within seeing in self honesty what it had in fact been, not in relation to an idea but in simply in reality, and within seeing what actually was to learn form it, as appose to judge myself for it based to comparing myself to an idea

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see all the insights and realizations I have picked up at the time I spent in the farm, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not seeing / realizing, instead of simply leaving it as is, and within this allowing the realizations to come up from within me, and not from judgment / fear / expectation of the mind

 

 

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Day 44 - Depression - Part 2 - The Cycle of Worthlessness

 

this is a follow up to my previous blog: Day 43 - Signs of Depression

 

The cycle of self worthlessness is a vicious one because it feeds off of itself, the more you believe yourself to be worthless the less you apply yourself in the physical and thus prove to yourself your worthlessness, because you are not practically doing anything of worth, as in not moving/applying yourself in the physical, so within observing this, your self belief in regards to worthlessness grows stronger and stronger the more you participate with it. within this cycle one must realize that self is creating this through self's participation and acceptance and thus only self can get self out of the cycle.

For me, my feeling/self belief of worthlessness comes up a lot through comparison and competition, I see around me very effective/successful human-beings, effective and successful through my perspective of course, and then I compare myself to them, I evaluate myself according to them, and more often than not I deem myself less than them, and thus worthless. Obviously, in order to create myself as self worthlessness I do not compare myself to just any one, I select a few that I perceive them to be effective/successful and judge myself according to them. And not even according to them but rather according to specific aspects of them, the specific aspects that I value and admire within them. I will judge myself in relation to these specific aspect within them, not allowing myself to see it is just specific aspects that I am looking at, but will perceive it to be the total definition of both them and myself, and then the result of this will be judging/defining myself as being worthless.

If I was a scientist, I would gave to say that my research is pre determined and bias - I do not have a fair representation of population and I am not considering the entity of the being, but only looking at specific aspects within them, from a starting point of looking for proof that I am worthless and that exactly what I will find.

Just like with the endless cycle, here too I am heading myself in for a fall, I am creating the experience of worthlessness to myself and by myself, and then I forget I have created it and believe it to be the truth. All this instead of stopping allowing myself to abuse myself within participating and recreating the cycle of worthlessness, and to accept myself as life within realizing that I am here, I am alive, and I am not actually really defined by the ideas/opinions/definitions I have attached to myself and the same goes for anybody else. Non of us are actually defined by anything except for being equal as life, that is the only definition that can stand the test of time, and that seams to be the only thing that has been overlooked.

I see now that depression is connected to the point of self worth, as long as I do not value myself as equal to/as life I will always find ways to prove to myself that I am worthless and within believing myself to be worthless I am excusing myself from actually participating and taking responsibility for myself as this world, I realize that as long as I keep comparing myself to others through defining our value according to our skills I will keep on trapping myself in the cycle of self worthlessness, until I stop. Stopping within the understanding that any form of self diminishing is indicating to me that I am not accepting myself as who I am as life, and is in fact an endless cycle that leads me further and further from myself as realizing myself as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within/as self worthlessness

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself as life, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to exist as life but instead I have allowed myself to exist as the mind within separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trap myself in the cycle of worthlessness, not realizing that the cycle can only go on as long as I believe it, participate within it and thus create it, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to actually be worthless through accepting myself as worthlessness and I haven’t allowed myself to see that believing I am worthless is an illusion of the mind created through comparison as separation to keep me trapped within/as the mind to never realize myself as life

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I am creating myself as worthless through my participation within the cycle of worthlessness through believing myself to be worthless and thus within this belief, I do not apply myself, do not push myself to excellence only to prove myself right, and thus allow myself to actually be worthless through not applying myself within/as the physical to create a world worth living in and to create myself as a being that is worth living through valuing myself as life as all life and supporting all life within allowing myself to exist as dignity and integrity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within participating within/as worthlessness to stop myself from actually doing all that needs to be done to create a world worth living in, a world that all life is equally worthy, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used the self belief of being worthless as a justification to not push myself and do all in my ability to actually live as self worth because I have believed my own creation of self worthlessness and thus gave up on myself as the world without even trying to do/change anything, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself as life and all life as one, and within that to do all I can do to be worthy of life through creating a life worth living to all

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have always been creating myself as worthlessness, and thus have always had the ability to stop myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as worthlessness within self diminishment as self abuse as not allowing myself to expand and express myself as life because I have allowed myself to limit myself within the belief of being worthless and thus did not allow myself to challenge that idea of myself through always proving me right by remaining worthless in my actions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-value on my skills and abilities, and within that to evaluate myself according to others, thus to define myself as more or less according to whom I am comparing myself to, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as worthlessness through comparing myself to specific aspects/skills of others that I define better than me, and thus to intentionally compare myself to them to prove to myself my worthlessness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as worthless through comparing myself to others within finding points/aspects within them that they are better/more than me, and thus within looking at both of us through a very narrow lens that only sees this specific aspect I judge them as worthy and myself as worthless, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to use comparison as a tool for self support to, through other beings in my environment, see how I can expand myself further, but instead I have used it as a tool of self diminishment as believing myself to be worthless in comparison to others, and thus not allow myself to expand within equalizing myself to them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself (and others) as good/bad and worthy/worthless through grading myself in relation to specific skills/abilities/performances that I have defined as important/valuable and within that have not allowed myself to see me within the totality of myself as life, not as a list of skills/abilities but as a living being that is valuable through the mere fact of being alive, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value life unconditionally but have placed a condition as a list of skills/performances that one must exist as to deserve the right to live as worthy, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the extent of abuse that I am allowing within this construct, just as the world system that exist today that permits people a dignified life only within the condition of them being successful in the eyes of the system.

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself going into the character of worthlessness, because I have seen the deception and abusive nature of this character and thus I commit myself to stopping myself from accepting myself as this character

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself go into comparison, and to direct any point within me towards self support within changing my starting point from comparison as self diminishment into comparison as self expansion

When and as I see myself giving value to skills/performances I stop and breathe, I realize that all are equal as life unconditionally, life doesn't require any skill/performance to exist as life and thus I commit myself to show that any value system, creating a grading skill as worthy and not worthy, is the source of all abuse within the current system as we have forgotten that all are equally alive and thus are equally valuable and equally worthy to a dignified/supportive life

Day 38 - Reacting through Not Reacting - Self forgiveness

Check out my previous blog:  Day 37 - Accepting abuse and then blowing up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an idea within myself that if I do not externally react to something it means I am stable / non reactive, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that as long as I am reacting within myself as an energetic reaction as a movement within/as myself I am in fact reacting, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place blame on another for apparently abusing me while not noticing that I have reacted within/as my mind and thus am a full participant/creator of the situation, thus I commit myself to allow myself to see/face within self honesty points within me that I react to/towards and to investigate all points of reaction so that I can trust myself and my perspectives on the world/reality around me, because of as the moment, as long as I am reacting within energy I know I cannot be trusted, thus, I commit myself to clear myself from any an all reactions through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective statements to be able to stop myself as the blame character and trust myself to actually support myself as life within common sense within/as the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to restrain myself from reacting in order to be able to blame the other for reacting/abusing and state within myself that I am stable and thus clear and thus am able to state that they are to blame, when in fact I have used this point as self manipulation to avoid taking self responsibility for myself as who I have accepted myself to become within the initial point of reacting to what the other had said or how they said it. I realize within this that as I walk the process of stopping participation with mind and investigating myself within self honesty to see who I am, what I am, why I do what I do and so forth, I must build myself as self honesty because I see how easy it is to manipulate myself within/as the tools of the process, and thus I commit myself to building self honesty within/as myself through always going back to self within never believing the mind constructs as blame because the moment I divert my attention to the other while I am still reacting I am missing me at that moment, missing an opportunity to see why I reacted, missing a chance to change within/as self support within/as breath.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself through pointing a blaming figure at the other while within a state of self righteousness, not allowing myself to see the reaction I am participating in as feeding the mind with energy, within this I  remind myself to always go back to the basics and bring it all back to self within humbleness as a self directed movement within self will to push myself more and more each day to expose more parts of myself that I have kept hidden, and within this I commit myself to notice the minor energetic reaction moving within me and when I experience it to simply stop and breathe, and keep on breathing as a directed movement, within realizing that the energy will pass and I will remain, thus I breathe, I let go the idea/opinion/backchat/desire to be right in my mind, and I breathe

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing  myself to be self honest with/as myself within a self willed movement to open up points of reaction as more clues to who I am and how I created myself as such, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself and not push in every moment to self realize to be able to trust/respect/accept myself within the realization that I actually know who I am as the basic step stone to whatever comes next within this process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within inferiority when being "spoken down upon" within that I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to interpret specific words/tonalities as demeaning and thus when I hear them I react like an organic robot and go into inferiority, within this I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see my own reaction within/as myself and to switch my inner experience to superiority through believing that I didn't react when in fact I did

I commit myself to through breathing and consistency within walking this process, to allow myself to see my reactions and take responsibility for them within self forgiveness, because I realize this will take time and I realize I must push/move myself to make it happen, it being seeing myself for how I really am as who I accepted and allowed myself to be, and then change/align myself to an effective being walking as support of all life within the principle of equality as what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself within fear of conflict and disguise it as being superior for not reacting while all along accumulating the energetic reaction within/as myself up to a point where I lose control of the damn and it all comes flowing out in some way or another, thus bringing myself to a point where I do not know what I will do next, explosive with the energy I have accumulated, instead of taking responsibility for myself within and every little movement of energy and stop/clear myself within/as breath

I commit myself to checking myself on a daily basis, ad seeing if I had missed a point of reaction that I tried to manipulate myself within suppression, and within that I commit myself to take responsibility for each and every reaction within/as breath and self forgiveness to be sure that I will not explode uncontrollably by the accumulation of all the little reactions I deliberately/manipulatively ignored

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate reactions towards a person and then allow myself to explode and let out all the energy I have built up within myself not taking into consideration the total abdication of self responsibility within it all as I a, taking out on another the consequences of my own allowed/accepted behavior within allowing myself to be directed by the mind instead of being self directed within/as breath within self honesty in every moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my reaction within self manipulation that I am not in fact reacting in order to not bring myself to conflict with the being within not allowing myself to trust myself to be able to handle such conflict and the outcome of this is that I end up creating a much bigger conflict instead of being self directed within/as self trust and dealing with any/all conflict as they come up within self honesty and communication with the other, as sharing the point of reaction within me in order to build a more stable foundation for our relationship/communication, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my fear of conflict is creating bigger conflict in my life through the accumulation of resistance/fear of conflict within the energy building up and then having to blow up to release itself

I commit myself to pa attention and not allow myself to build up energy because 

I see the outflow of it and the destruction such behavior creates and I do not accept that any more, thus I commit myself to face every point of reaction/energy to be sure I am not accumulating it within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as less than according to how the other will speak to me, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take personally what/how others speak and react within inferiority to what/how they say, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept the other within their current expression within realizing that we are each walking our process, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the for not expressing themselves how I think they should, Instead of focusing on myself within the investigation of the trigger point as self definition that had created the reaction within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept abuse from others within the self manipulation that I shouldn't react, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept abuse from others within the justification that I am not reacting because I am stable when in fact I am not reacting because I fear facing the other in conflict because I don't yet trust myself to be able to handle face any situation, because I still allow myself to live in fear and self doubt which I simply showing me that I am still of the mind and have not yet allowed myself to be one with/as breath as I realize that only within the mind exist fear of the other, fear of conflict, fear of speaking up

I commit myself to keep on walking within building self honesty as self trust through writing, self forgiveness, and investigating all points, not leaving a point unturned, until I am able to trust myself and not to fear because I am here within/as breath

I commit myself to stopping myself within/as self judgment, when I am reacting I allow myself to be it from perspective of not hiding/suppressing it, and within allowing myself to be one with the reaction I stop myself as it, as myself, I stop myself. I am here, I breathe.