Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play

this is continuing my previous blog

Day 143 – Inadequacy

Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast

 

As a child I used to play games with my older sister, there are two specific games I remember playing with her, one was "5 rocks" where we need to pick up rocks while balancing other rocks and not dropping them, and the other was a card game called "speed" where we need to move really fast and get rid of our cards. in both, she would always win. In "5 rocks" there were two levels of playing, she would play the advanced level and I would play the lower one, I always wanted to be able to play like her, like the big kids, I saw myself as inferior for playing at the lower level, but I wouldn't dare to try because I would have lost for sure - not giving myself the chance to even try, to practice, to improve, and looking at it now I realize I could have taken the time to practice and then play with her, but I never did, I only cared about the game when we played it, and when we didn't I didn't think about it and thus didn't practice. When we played "speed", she was always faster than me, and in each round as I lost repeatedly I became slower and slower - I was taking losing personally and integrating it as myself, believing it to define me and as such my game deteriorated in each turn.

I have always admired her and looked up to her through out our growing up, everything we did, she did better - though, I never saw it as a point of motivation, as a point of realizing that I can improve and equalize myself to her, I always saw her as better than me, as a fact of life, and saw myself as less than her, inferior, inadequate. I always wanted to be as good as I believed her to be, but never actually dared to compete with her, as I accepted myself as less than her and wasn't willing to challenge that self belief - so I would sabotage myself, compromise myself, not allow myself to excel, to perfect myself as within a requirement to remain less than her for ever, as that was my place. Through out our life there were periods of time where I was better off than her, I was thinner, or had a boy friend, or was stable - in those times I experienced guilt, as if I was out of place, out of character, because I believed I was supposed to be the inferior one, and thus projected it onto her and actually blaming her, as I believed that she thinks / believes she must be the superior one - I saw myself as I was deliberately taking the second place, and letting her be better than me in everything because I believed that couldn't take that a way from her, this is what we both knew ourselves to be - I existed within the belief that if I were to be more successful than her in any way it would compromise our relationship that was based on my looking up to her and believing myself to be inadequate.

At times I believed that I have taken the lesser place because I was protecting her, seeing her as fragile, as if she couldn't handle it if I were to pass her and be more than her in anything - I didn't realize that the competition and comparison were a fiction of my imagination, created by myself in my mind, I didn't realize that we are not actually defined in relation / comparison to each other and that any comparison is futile and doesn't stand as reality, I didn't realize that my belief that she will not be able to handle being less than me was actually showing me my reaction towards believing myself to be less than her, but at the same time showing me that I fear not being less than her, as this is what I knew myself as, and projected onto her for it to make sense to me - because it makes more sense that I am remaining inferior to protect her rather than as a deliberate choice I have been making each day throughout my life - I mean, I didn't like the experience of being inferior / inadequate, it is not a preferred experience, yet I held onto it, justified it and wouldn't let it go, and apparently, I have been holding on to it ever since, defining myself as inferior in many of my other relationships, reliving / recreating the relationship I have created with my sister over and over again.

I will continue with self forgiveness tomorrow

 

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Day 19 - Sister character – part 2

this is a continuation of my previous blog: Day 18 - Sister character – part 1

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to submit myself to the sister character wherein doing so I submit my sister in the sister character as well, thus due to my participation within/as the sister character I trap us both as characters, living in the past, basing our communication on memories of events and how we reacted to them based on the characters we accepted at the time, and thus creating a vast/complex sister character existing through our participation with all these other characters and memories of them. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards my sister through/as the character of "I deserve this" and thus when she didn't act according to what I think/believe I deserve I would allow myself to become spiteful towards her, and create a dynamic/even/memory for us to duplicate time and time again, every time I believe she is depriving me from what I deserve

I commit myself to when experiencing myself going into the character of "I deserve this" with my sister, I stop myself and breathe, I check my starting point and looking within myself to see what in fact I am reacting towards - is this "I deserve this" a basic right that we all deserve as equals and if so act on it within breathe and not from reaction, or is this "I deserve this" exposing self-interest within superiority and desire to be special and get special attention, and if so I stop myself, as I don't accept myself to participate in such construct/characters that manifest abuse and other consequences that are not best for all due to having a self-interest starting point 

I commit myself to stopping myself within breath as self-support, when going into reaction towards my sister within re-creating the character of "I am not getting (she is not giving me) what I deserve" and instead to allow myself to be humble within the notion that I am not special, I am equal to her, and my desires are simply desires and do not stand as what is desired by all as what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards my sister within/as the character of "I don't know what to say" based on passed memory of saying something and not accepting her reaction as valid, and thus with time I have created myself as fearful of her 'unexpected reactions towards me' due to taking her reactions personally and allowing them to 'shut me down'. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as shutting down due to her reactions, not allowing myself to stand by what I say and thus creating a character of "Fear to express myself" due to not allowing myself to stand as what I say in fear of the reaction that might be coming my way, due to taking the reaction personally. While not realizing that any reaction from another is towards themselves and I am merely a reflection supporting them to see themselves and thus I should not take it personally. within the realization above, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that it is best for all, as supporting both of us, to express myself in spite of the fear of what the reaction will be, thus pushing myself to walk through the fear of "I fear to express myself because I fear unexpected/undesirable reactions towards me" to allow myself to stand as what I say and build myself as self-trust and self-stability, not allowing anything less than who I am , not allowing myself to be directed by fears that are created to trap me in the character but rather to allow myself to actually be free of all characters and to live as self, while at the same time allowing the other to see themselves as well, through their reaction to what I am saying, and thus to stop supporting their character by playing along as we both support our characters and trap ourselves in them forever.

I commit myself to push myself to speak up and express myself and push through the fear of her reaction, I commit myself to stand as/behind my words and to stop myself within/as breath from manipulating myself to suppress myself due to a momentary illusion that I am supporting myself or her for not speaking up/expressing myself, not realizing that I am only supporting the characters I have created, thus I stop my participation with the "I fear speaking up because I fear her reaction" character through speaking up within and as breath, making sure within self-honesty that I am speaking from self-expression and not from a starting point of reaction/spitefulness/comparison/judgment… making sure I am here, one and equal to/as the words I speak, to then be able to stand as them  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself towards my sister within/as reaction, and within/as spitefulness, not allowing myself to actually see the point I am reacting to but instead to react and to create through my reaction the outflow we are well familiar with as the sister character we participate in, I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see, realize and understand that when talking within reaction I am already creating the outflow of our dynamic, and that from the starting point of my own reaction I have already started the time line of my sister and I going into our characters as tension/suspicions within our dynamic/communication, thus I realize that in order to take self-responsibility and stop this dance I must stop myself as reaction towards her, and instead of reacting I must breathe and reconnect with my body to support me with stopping my reaction.

I commit myself to stopping myself as reaction towards y sister within breath, within realizing that by speaking to her within reaction I am creating the outflow of tense communication that leads to spitefulness and mutual/self-abuse, instead of allowing us to communicate within/as support towards ourselves and each other as what is best for all, to stop fighting and ego/power games