Day 217 - Obedience

I just realized that I have been trying to be obedient all my life, trying to "please the master" to get the approval of the authority. Not wanting to get in trouble and experiencing myself as being watched, as if "big brother" will see if I stray from the suggested path and will be punished.

 

When I was young I would call my dad to tell him I was skipping school, I saw it as an act of responsibility but really it was an act of abdicating responsibility, my rational was that if I get in real trouble it's good they know where I am, because I’m just a kid, but really I was too afraid of making the decision and standing by it without the OK of my dad, so in essence I asked for his approval so I wouldn't bare the weight of the decision to "do something wrong" by myself.

 

Many times I will ask for permission, just to be sure, while others around me would have just gone ahead and done it, and then when I receive a negative answer to my request I have a valid excuse not to step out of my comfort zone and do it, because "now I can't do it because I had asked directly and was disapproved, so I cannot" while the reason I didn't go ahead and do it to begin with was not because I actually thought it was wrong, but because I know "they" might think it is wrong and then I will not have their acceptance and approval, and that always had more value than going ahead and doing what I want, expressing myself and enjoying myself. I always wanted to be seen in a good light.

 

Now I am facing a similar point - I want to do things the right way, as I was taught to do them, but at times I question what I have learned and want to apply myself in another way - then comes up a point of trusting myself enough to “defy my teacher”, because if I do it my way I am the sole responsible for my actions, whereas when I follow their instructions I can always blame them for me not succeeding, so I know that if I do it my way it’s all on my shoulders, whether I make it or not, and to add to this point then there is that other point of approval, where I want the teacher / instructor to approve my way and say "yes, sure go ahead with it" as if asking for permission to explore my own self expression, to take risks and learn from my own mistakes - and I also realize there is a fine line somewhere between not allowing myself to follow instructions because of ego as wanting to do things my way, and not following instructions in a starting point of over coming the fear of taking full responsibility for my actions. so I guess I’m still struggling to actually see clearly the entity of my starting point within it all.

 

I have been working with a someone that is creative and exploring options that I am reluctant to explore because they are beyond the suggested realm, and I don't want to be spotted out as going beyond the suggested instructions, i want to be obedient, but at the same time I admire this other person for feeling so free to explore and that indicates to me that I have been limiting myself from expressing and exploring myself due to fear, and thus I realize that I must explore both new avenues, I must allow myself to follow instructions as to make sure I am not directed by my ego within the desire to be special and do things MY way, I must also allow myself to explore new avenues and to overcome the fear of being looked upon badly by the teacher / instructor / authority, I must also allow myself to explore and take full responsibility for the consequences whether "good" or "bad", because once I stand alone beyond the suggested territory I must be able to stand clear within myself and know for myself why I chose this path, to be able to trust myself that regardless the outcome I will not regret the way - and whatever happens to learn from it and apply myself then from within my new learning and realizations, to the best of my ability in that moment, within understanding that with every “mistake” i grow and learn and expand my understanding so next time i can take a different more effective route – but i must learn through expressing, exploring, falling and learning.

 

I feel confused because I have created such a complex web of dishonesty that no matter in which direction I take a step in, I am facing fears and reactions and thus now see to what extent I have been motivated by fears and reactions.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell the authority that I am doing something else than suggested within a starting point of asking for their approval and validation and thus not taking full responsibility, thus, when and as I see myself informing an authority of my actions while not asking for feedback or help but just informing them, I stop myself and breathe, I realize this is a point of deliberate manipulation rather than direct communication – thus, i stop myself in breathe as I do not allow myself to share with them from within the starting point of not taking self responsibility for my actions, within this I allow myself to evaluate the situation and to see if I am not willing to take responsibility I must look at the risk involved and reconsider whether what I am about to do is within common sense and the starting point of what is best for all or is it just acting out a desire that might lead to consequences. And so I breathe and slow myself down, and make a clear decision within and as myself whether I am standing behind my actions or not, and accordingly I act, within taking full responsibility and allowing myself to be accountable for my actions.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being caught as doing something else than suggested, and thus will not allow myself to explore new ways and perhaps find practical alternatives, not allowing myself to make it "my own" within adding myself as my own self expression into the activity, and so, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to restrict myself and suppress myself from expressing myself and bringing myself in my true totality, I forgive myself for not allowing myself to contribute through my ideas and expression and exploration because I have not allowed myself to step beyond the accepted and agreed upon territory, and thus I have deprived myself from the opportunity of self expression and exploration and have deprived those around me from whatever idea I might have had that could benefit all, just because I fear being seen in a bad light, not realizing that those seeing me in a bad light which I fear and avoid their judgments are not actually judging me but themselves, and those who are not judging themselves will find a supportive way to show me if I am out of sink or am doing anything that is not practical or supportive, and thus I realize that the only way I can actually get the support of others is if I allow myself to step out of the confinements of approved territory so that I can either grow and expand or make mistakes and learn from the correction - but from suppression I will not learn a thing

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to do things my way because of ego as wanting to be special and take all the credit, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that doing things "my way" just for self interest is not valid, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value the experience of others and allow myself to walk the repaved paths, not blindly but with open eyes, to be able to only once I have tried and openly seen where that path leads, to then practice critical reasoning and apply myself accordingly as allowing myself to be part of the accumulation of knowledge that has created our world, and thus to contribute not within ego but within practicality and from actual experience and personal knowledge

Day 115 - Completing the job

The following blog is a continuation of my previous writings, please read them for further context if you haven’t already :
Day 110 - Avoiding Work

Day 111 – Self interest can never be “right”

Day 112 - Avoiding work –Part 3 - Self Forgiveness

Day 113 – Enjoying Work

Day 114 - Avoiding work –Part 5 - blame and manipulation - Self Forgiveness

Within taking the responsibility to do something, one must realize all aspects of the task - what I find tends to happen to me, is that I will take on a responsibility, it can be as simple as making a cake as I did the other day, and will not take into consideration all parts of the task from beginning to end. What I find is that I will exhibit a form of "selective memory syndrome" where, when it comes to ending the task, which includes cleaning the mess I've made while making the cake, and cleaning up the cake tray once it's done, I will go into resistance and "forget" that this is actually a integral part of making the cake - within completing the totality of the task.
 
What I see is that this has to do with accepting the task within a starting point of energy, as an excitement towards making the cake or the specific task at hand, while not actually considering within practicality all the stages necessary to be done - so I will find myself "slaving in the kitchen" to make the cake (even if the cake/task is an easy/simple one) - then once the main part of the task is over, as all the people have eaten the cake, the energetic high will have passed, and there will be no energetic motivation within me to complete the task.
 
In cases like this what I experience at this point is an expectation that somebody else will do it for me, within a justification of "but I've made it, shouldn't someone else clean it" - well, I have used such an argument many times before, while not allowing myself to see/realize that if I took on myself the responsibility I cannot expect and impose any part of it on anyone else unless it has been agreed upon to begin with.
 
I see here two main points, the first is going to the task within energy and thus overlooking in practicality what it entails, and then when the "fun part" part is over there is no more energy left to motivate me to move and complete the task, and then I become sluggish and resist doing it, this brings me to the other point, that exists within/as the debt system, where I do not do the task unconditionally but am expecting to get something in return, wither gratitude or in this case, when comes to the parts I don't enjoy, like the end part of cleaning, I turn to the back chat of "they owe me" because I made the cake so someone else must clean after me - "it's only fair…"
 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do tasks from a starting point of energy instead of making a self directive decision within considering the point in it's entity and not be directed by energy within the expectation for an experience as reward, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to direct myself to do tasks within the principle of what is best for all and instead have been doing everything from a starting point of self interest as the desire to be rewarded within an energetic experience for doing the task, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not actually chose/decide to do the task itself, but rather chose/decide to do the task in order to get the energetic rush I have associated with it, and thus have not allowed myself to direct myself but have allowed myself to be a puppet of energy, allowing myself to follow the positive energy feeling regardless of what the task is, kind of like being an energy whore… within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the task I am doing within both not considering all it's parts/aspects and secondly not allowing myself to actually be one with the task, but instead live in separation from the task as myself, and do it from a starting point of separation as getting an external energy as motivation and reward to do it
 
When and as I am doing a task or am about to do a task, I realign my starting point to make sure I am not doing it from a starting point of self interest as to get any reward as an energetic experience out of it, but rather do it to do it, unconditionally, for free, for the practicality of it being done and for the experience within doing it and while doing not, not as a reward that come later that will then define my success/failure of the task, but as a self expression that is done in the moment and then it is done with
 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within my privet self interest of individuality when I don't consider anything and anyone while present myself as if I do, while everything I do is based in the desire to serve my own interests such as getting an energetic rush for doing something "for others" within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize myself as life, as one and equal to all that is here, and within that to realize that acting from self interest is separating myself from the life within is myself, and thus creating in my life and the world as a whole conflict and friction within living as a "split personality" as the manifestation of separation of self derived from acting from a starting point of self interest, instead of including all life in all my decisions, and walking a path that is best for all and supports all life, and thus in every decision I make, I commit myself to stop and breathe, to investigate the starting point as myself and to correct/align myself as my starting point to that which I best for all within realizing that only that which is best for all is actually best for me as well, thus, when I do a task I realign my starting point to not allow myself to direct myself within/as energy, and within that I slow myself down, I consider all aspects of the task and will myself to complete them all as part of the responsibility I have taken, within building self respect as standing by my decision to do something and do it in completion
 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do things within a starting point of a debt system where I calculate my actions in relations to what I perceive others are doing, and judge and expect and demand that others pay up their debt that I have created within my mind, with no communication and agreement whatsoever, simply taking for granted that my set of values will be accepted by all and that my self interest will be accepted by all, and within this have not allowed myself to communicate and design a stable relationship with those around me, but simply doing things and then build up expectation that cause friction and conflict in all our worlds, instead of stopping myself within breath, and making sure that any thing I do I do unconditionally, and not expect any thing in return - I realize that if I detect any form of expectation to get anything in return for doing something, I know I have been acting from self interest and thus I commit myself to stop my back chat, and breathe until I have directed and grounded the expectation and can walk stable and do what needs to be done, without expecting anything in return, and within this allow myself to simply walk the task, as myself, to completion, to honor the task as myself as life as a whole and walk all practical physical steps that must be walked
 
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Day 88 - Fear dimension - Part 9 - self commitment

This blog is continuing from the previous blog:

Day 79 - The lowest point

Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension  - Mistakes – Part 1

Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2

Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3

Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4

Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5

Day 85 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 6

Day 86 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 7 - Self Forgiveness

Day 87 - Fear Dimension - Inferiority - Part 8

I've been writing about fear, and have applied self forgiveness, but I have realized that I haven't been very specific with my self commitments, and within this I realize that writing about it and forgiving myself is one part of the process, but actually pushing myself to actually physically walk through my fear, and actually physically express myself in a different way than what I am use to within my preprogrammed characters, is another part, a crucial part, because without the living application of actually changing, I am waiting my time on verbal masturbation. I realize taking the leap and actually walking through the fear is an imperative part of this process, it's not just about talking the talk, I must push myself to walk it as a living expression as who I am.
And thus, through writing self commitments one plan the way before oneself, as a guide line, preparing oneself within accepting the challenge so to speak, to actually correct oneself in the physical.

I commit myself, when I see I have made a mistake, through being corrected, to stop any reaction within myself and to breathe, to make sure I am here, stable within/as myself, then, I commit myself to look at what is being said as a gift, as a way to expand/improve/perfect myself within my application, I commit myself to stop myself within any reaction of inferiority as I realize that any reaction implies that I am going into a character I have created myself as in self interest as a survival mechanism and thus in complete disregard of what is best for all, I realize that I have been using inferiority to protect/defend myself as the character, as the self definition I have given myself, actually protecting myself as the ego, instead of allowing myself to humbly accept what is said, and within breath allow myself to correct myself and learn from what I have done, within this, as practical application, I commit myself to ask what I can do differently, to ask for help, to ask for guidance, within accepting the fact that others can help me, that others may know more and can give me guidance, I realize this has been a "difficult" point for me due to creating an idea that asking for help represents weakness and thus I wanted asking for help to be beneath me, but I see now that any justification to not ask for assistance is a mind's manipulation, and thus invalid, as we are all here together and can help/assist/support each other, and thus I commit myself to using communication and allowing myself to be humbly and ask for help.

I commit myself to investigate the cause of the mistake, to look within self honesty and allow myself to admit/face if I have cut corners or have made the mistake deliberately in any way as for instance, when I am busy participating with back chat as justifications to cut corners, or excuses why I shouldn't do this task instead of allowing myself to be here within the task I am working on, thus, I commit myself to take responsibility for any deliberate self sabotage, to not run away from myself, but to stand as myself and accept myself as all that I have done, within realizing that it isn't personal, from the perspective that it really doesn't define me, but within that I realize that now I have an opportunity to correct myself, thus I commit myself to not judge myself because I have seen it is counterproductive and actually self abusive and self sabotaging, thus, instead of judging myself I commit myself to take responsibility within breath and humbly correct myself.

When and as I see/define myself as failing, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to go into the "I have failed/am a failure" character because I realize that by going into failure I am allowing myself to live in the past instead of being here and finding a practical livable solution/correction for the situation, and thus using failure to actually give up and fail, thus I commit myself to investigate the point within looking at my starting point to see if my starting point is valid within the principle of equality as what is best for all, or was my starting point within self interest/fear/justification, thus within investigating the starting point I take responsibility for myself, and without judging myself allow myself to become my self directive principle and change my starting point and correct myself into that which stands as best for all within equality, within this I commit myself to ask for assistance if I can't find the "problem" point or if I don't find a solution/correction for the situation, within this I commit myself let go the construct of failure and instead to see it as another step in my process of self realization, self honesty and self intimacy, of which I am walking step by step, one breath at a time

When and as I see myself wanting to be right, I stop and breathe, I realize the desire to being right is indicating that I am trying to prove myself and thus am acting within self separation as I am not accepting myself and thus believe I must prove myself within knowledge/information to validate/approve/accept myself, thus I commit myself, when I see myself go into the desire of being right or proving myself, to stop talking, to breathe and within breath to bring myself back here to my physical body, and in the moment within self honesty look at what am I doing, what I am hiding from myself, what am I actually showing myself within this "trying to be right", and within this quick investigation done with support of breath at the moment, if I see any justifications come up I just stop them and push through the desire to explain/justify and simply stay quiet and breath, and if the situation is an argument, then I humbly apologize to the other party by saying: "forgive me, I am just arguing because I want to be right, forget it, can you please explain your point again, now I'm here and am listening", thus

I commit myself to hear out the other being, within realizing that no mater what is being said I can learn from them. and within this situation of going into the character of desire to be right, I commit myself to investigate the point of self definition / comparison / competition as to find the cause/reason that I am not accepting myself within, and to forgive myself for not allowing myself to accept myself unconditionally and to judge myself for the points I have found, and thus forgive myself for I have allowed myself to live in constant competition to prove myself worthy, not realizing that I have been competing with myself within allowing the polarity of right/wrong to exist within and as myself.

Within the fear of being seen as less than, and within the back chat of seeing myself as less than in relation to tasks I am given, I commit myself to stop the judgment I hold towards specific tasks wither the nature of the task or the time it takes to do it, and within this I commit myself to push myself as self directive principle to do those tasks that I have deemed as less than, to expand myself within my application, to not limit myself within the belief that some tasks are beneath me within realizing that I am separating myself from the task as myself within participating in a mind made idea/belief/judgment and thus not valid, I've seen that when I stop the back chat and allow myself to simply do it within/as breath I find that I get comfortable with the task and 'change my mind' about it, thus I have proven to myself that the ideas/beliefs/judgments I have towards tasks don't stand once I allow myself to actually do them without back chat as judgment, I see that surprisingly I even enjoy them, so I commit myself to stop myself within breath when I see myself judging any task, and thus allow myself and push myself to do any task necessary without any limitation, by pushing myself through the back chat until I am comfortable with the task

Within the fear of being used/manipulated by others within believing the fair/unfair character, I have been existing within a debt system, as calculating what I do for them and what they do for me, and calculating what I perceive everyone is doing, thus I commit myself to do things for "free", unconditionally, and to let it go the moment I finish as to not allow myself to carry around the past with me as a charged memory as debt. Thus, I commit myself to stop myself within the expectation to get anything in return, and to find situations where I can do things for others as myself to test myself within this application as not expecting/wanting anything in return, thus creating a directive situation where I am deliberately "being used" as to walk through the fear of being used within realizing that as long as I am directing myself as the living principle there is nothing to fear within realizing no one is doing anything to me, because I am directing myself in every moment

I commit myself to push myself to do what I would do as if I didn't have issues as fear, I commit myself, when making a directive decision as to what to do, to investigate the point within considering what someone, that doesn't exist within this fear, would do, and push myself to do it, I commit myself to take on my fears and walk through them, while supporting myself with writing, self forgiveness and corrective statements, to come to a point where I am no longer directed by fears and can walk here, stable within breath, in every moment and through every situation

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Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3

This blog is continuing from the previous blog:

Day 79 - The lowest point

Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension  - Mistakes – Part 1

Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2

This blog is a part of the "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character dimension series. Opening up within self forgiveness fear of failure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within/as fear of failure and to within this allow myself to be directed by this fear, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and participate within the construct of failure, I forgive myself for accepting and allow define projects/activities as failure based on their outcome, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify myself with the outcome of the project/activity where I define myself as a failure due to an outcome that I have defined as a failure, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define failure as bad/negative and thus when I experience myself as failing I experience myself within a negative energy through/within defining myself as bad/wrong/stupid/a failure

I commit myself to let go the negative attachment I have towards failure, within that I commit myself to stop myself from creating a self definition of failure as self diminishment based on the outcome of a project/activity, I commit myself to apply common sense through investigating the situation in it's entirety, to come to a self directive decision, and thus through living as the directive principle to stop myself from the self diminishment/giving up within defining myself as a failure, but rather to allow myself to learn/expand from the situation/mistake and apply myself within the principle of what is best for all within equality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define failure as the 'end' as an irreversible verdict, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the construct of failure as a self manipulation tactic to give up on what I am doing and within that give up on myself, I forgive myself for not realizing that the experience of failure is created by myself as a justification to give up, instead of seeing that it is the giving up within self diminishment that has created/manifested the construct of failure that in turn supports/excuses/justifies the construct of giving up, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a failure is an end point and thus within that I believe that it's lost, it has failed, I have failed and it's the end, thus cannot be changed, and within this I haven't allowed myself to see/realize that it is in fact up to me, up to me from perspective of taking/being the directive principle and within common sense as a self directive decision I can decide if to pursue the project/activity further or not, through looking at the practicality of the situation, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be consumed as the character of giving up within self diminishment as not believing that I am able, and thus do not have a choice to pursue/continue a project, and thus allowing myself to fail due to my own self belief of incompetency.

I commit myself to write myself to freedom, one point at a time, and forgive myself as I have allowed myself to exist as self diminishment as believing in the limitations I've created myself as within my mind, thus I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath as I see myself participating in thoughts of self diminishment as believing I am unable/not good enough, and instead to take/do the physical actions necessary to make myself able, as learning/studying/practicing the practical application in time/space in order to get me to a point of ability, thus not allowing myself to be directed by self diminishment, but to push myself through the limitations I have allowed myself to exist as, and allow myself to expand/grow/learn/apply/change myself as what is best for all, within this I realize that self diminishment is a mind created construct to keep me enslaved/trapped within the boundaries of my comfort zone, thus not allowing myself to change, thus I commit myself to push through my limitations and support myself with writing/self forgiveness as I see all the specific points I have defined myself as "I can't do it" and within breath, and through looking at the practical physical evidence support myself as life, to bring myself to a point that I am standing stable and able

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define failure as bad, as what I was taught through the schooling system, and instead to realize "failure" as a stepping stone for expansion, as through learning from mistakes I can perfect myself and my application and find more effective solutions/ways to correct/apply myself within the situation/event/project, thus I realize that the only thing in my way is me, through believing/thinking/feeling that I can't push through, through defining myself as not able, and thus accepting failure as an option, as a possibility, where as if I stop myself as the mind, as thoughts/feelings/beliefs that I am unable, there will nothing to stop me, as only I as the limitation of the mind am stopping myself and thus believing myself as a failure, thus I commit myself to write down all the points of self belief/definition of limitation, and walk them through self forgiveness, and as a practical living application, I commit myself to stop myself within breath as these thoughts/feelings/beliefs of self diminishment come up, and not allow myself to participate with them, until I am standing stable and am not directed by the mind as self limitation/diminishment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define something as a failure based on the outcome instead of investigating the starting point and within this I commit myself to aligning myself as my starting point to that which is best for all within any project/activity to then not judge the outcome but allow myself to see the "bigger picture" and thus as I include this part of evaluating/investigating the situation as an integral part of the situation I cannot define it as a failure because it is still ongoing as a learning process, within this I realize that through looking at the starting point of any activity/project I can get much more insight as to what went wrong rather then looking through a tunnel vision at the outcome alone, within this, I commit myself to allow myself to correct my starting point to be aligned with what is best for all within the understanding that only that which is best for all can actually bring a result that is not considered a failure by anyone, because it is best for all and not based on self interest to create bias of the understanding of a situation, within this I realize that failure is simply an opinion, and is not based on reality as the physical, thus

I commit myself to look at everything through the principle of equality as what is best for all, and from this lens to evaluate situations/events/projects and to conclude the most effective way to approach/continue it, not based on self interest feelings/beliefs but based on real physical reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my self diminishment through defining a project/activity as a failure and within that to define myself as a failure due to the evidence of the project failing, within this I commit myself to let go through writing, self forgiveness and corrective statement, of all the self definition I have allowed myself to exist as because I see/realize that these self definitions are limiting me, through allowing myself to justify them by altering my perception of reality to suit my definition of self, even if is self abusive by nature, as self diminishment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the polarity of failure/success and within allowing myself to accept and participate within the failure/success polarity I have allowed myself to assess the situation and evaluate if I am to be a failure or success and within that I have allowed myself to attempt to win at any cost while disregarding those around me because I fear failing and would do anything to succeed or in other situations would simply give up due to self diminishment, thus allowing myself to bounce from one end of the polarity to the other, within this I commit myself to let go the energetic charge I hold towards failure/success and to allow myself to see the situation within the simplistically of the actual physical evidence within common sense and the principle of what is best for all

I commit myself to when I see myself turning to the experience of failure, stop and breathe, and to make a directive decision in that moment through evaluating the situation within it's physical context, and within the principle of equality as what is best for all, thus to stop any energetic reaction that may direct me and be the directive principle as creating myself as who I want to be and not how I have designed myself to be through the mind as feeding off the energy of failure/success, but to simply look at what needs to be done and walk it in breath

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Day 78 - Spitefulness - Part 10 - Self Judgment

This blog is a follow up from my previous blog

Day 69 - Friendship - Part 11 – Spitefulness – Part 1

Day 70 - Spitefulness - Part 2 - Self Forgiveness

Day 71 - Spitefulness - Part 3 - Self Commitments

Day 72 – Spitefulness – Part 4 – More Characters – Self Forgiveness

Day 73 - Spitefulness - Part 5 – Self Commitments

Day 74 - Spitefulness - Part 6 - Self Forgiveness

Day 75 - Spitefulness - Part 7 - Self Commitments

Day 76 - Spitefulness - Part 8 – Both Sides of the Coin - Self Forgiveness

Day 77 – Spitefulness – Self Realization

NOTE - This specific blog was written as an ongoing self support writing, as I was writing my daily blogs in regards to spitefulness, I'm posting it here as the final blog in the series, for the time being.

I've been opening up the point of spitefulness, but I see I cannot yet actually forgive it because I am still not allowing myself to see it without judging it. Thus I will dedicate this blog to defuse the self judgment regarding spitefulness, so that I can actually face the point within self honesty, here as breathe, and walk it through forgiveness.

I've been hurting myself all day, bumping into things, and creating pain within/as my physical body as myself. Is this how I am punishing myself, now that I see the evil I have become? I realize I am yet to actually see the evil as myself in it's totality, but I realize it exist within me, thus, I have allowed myself to be the judge of myself and now sentencing myself with the punishment as pain - but what do I get out of it? Is that how I would treat a child that I found out was nasty and evil? No. I would find out why, I would ask them to share all the points in detail so that we can walk them together and find new solutions/ways of action to exist in/as, I would support them to see their ways and to change. judging or punishing them would achieve nothing.

i commit to treat myself as i would treat a child to allow myself the innocence of a child, within realizing that I deserve to be embraced as a child because I never actually grew up into adulthood from perspective of actually learning how to effectively walk this life - so I'm learning now, for the first time, like a child, through allowing myself to see what I have done, who I have allowed myself to exist as, and to change, within the principle of innocence as equality and oneness, as finding the way to exist that is in fact best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being spiteful not realizing that by judging myself I am creating another character/dimension/system, and not actually supporting myself in changing the pattern/character of spitefulness, but rather hiding it from myself through self judgment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for all the spiteful memories that have been coming up, instead of taking them one by one, and allowing myself to investigate them within self honesty, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being nasty towards beings in my life, lying to them, abusing them, not supporting them, using them as a tool to feel strong and powerful at their expense within disregarding them as life, disregarding them as living beings that walk this earth and are in fact my equals

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being spiteful because I have created myself as the main personality as being a nice/good person and thus I realize that within walking the point of myself as spiteful I will have to let go of the nice/good personality that I have believed myself to be if I am to admit to being spiteful, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my own self created personalities, that I have sculptured myself as through the years within self interest as I have realized that it is the most effective personality for me to exist as within the society I come from, and thus I forgive myself for not allowing myself to let go of the nice/good personality that I have put in so much energy to create and maintain, because I fear not being a nice/good person, who will I be if I am not nice/good. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the nice /good act as a character because I have learnt from those around me that that is the way for me to get that which I want which is to be loved/approved/appreciated/accepted, and within where I come from, to get that one must be a nice/good person, thus within opening up the spiteful character I fear losing myself as the nice/good person, not allowing myself to stand up and face the fact that the nice/good person I believe myself to be is but an illusion, an act, a character, made up by myself and thus there is nothing really to lose because it has never really been me in fact, it has always just been an act.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being spiteful and within the judgment I have allowed myself to go into shame due to the spiteful thoughts as back chat I have been participating within and hiding from the eyes of all, including myself, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use judgment/shame to keep me trapped/enslaved to the mind as the characters and personalities I have created myself as and now within believing myself to be them, not wanting to let them go in fear, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go the personalities because I fear losing myself and within this fear I am anxious about what demons will emerge if I let go the act of being a nice/good person, within believing myself to be a nice/good person I have existed as/within a polarity and thus I fear losing the positive side of the polarity due to the fear of falling into the negative side, not realizing that by letting go both sides of the polarity I, as self, remain, so within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go the polarity of good/bad and thus trap myself in the fear of letting go the good and falling into bad, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself within separation of myself as not knowing who I am and thus fearing of what will emerge if I am to let go the act, and expose myself to myself within the back chat/hidden mind

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I do in fact know myself as the demon of spitefulness, but will not allow myself to actually look at it due to accepting myself as the character of judgment, not realizing that only through letting go the judgment and allowing myself to face myself can I start moving/directing myself into self change as that which is best for all within equality and oneness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live/exist as self judgment and thus, within judging myself for who I am, I have created a belief within me that I must act like a good/nice personality/character in order to be worthy of living, not realizing that within allowing myself to participate in expressing myself through a character I have diminished myself time and time again to further believe that I must hide as who I am because if I just allow myself to be me I will not be loved/approved/validated/accepted, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize that by participating in self judgment I am in fact  recreating over and over the pattern of self judgment, not realizing that through living as it I am making the pattern stronger and myself as life as self expression weaker, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself through self judgment, not realizing the cycle of self diminishment I am allowing myself to exist as through my participation within/as self judgment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must be loved/approved/validated/accepted in order to survive and thus have allowed myself to compromise myself within the starting point of believing I am not worthy for acceptance, not realizing that the only one who I really need/want to accept me, in order to be able to survive, is me, and thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept/love me, because I have always judged myself as not good enough, and not worthy, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself within/as spitefulness, even though that is in fact who/what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, and thus, I sabotage myself through sabotaging any chance of self realization and change, because if I do not accept myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to become as spitefulness, how will I ever be able to forgive myself within embracing myself as life and making a commitment to change, I realize that only through real self honest self forgiveness will I be able to humbly see myself as the fuck up that I am, as spitefulness/evil, and to from seeing who/what I am to walk the process of self change, within this I realize that without allowing myself to initially accept myself within the realization that I have created myself as such because I didn't know any better, and now that I do, I can do what is required to change, within this I realize that now, knowing/seeing this point, if I still don't do what it takes to change, which is to let go the judgment and move on in self correction, then I know I am in fact spiteful towards myself for not allowing myself to do what it takes within deliberate self sabotage, because now I am that much more responsible, thus, I know I must let go the judgment/shame, and go deep, and allow myself to see myself within realizing that I am a organic robot, a system, and not to take it personally, I am here now, as self directive principle, walking myself into life, into change. So I realize there is no point hitting myself over the head for what is in the past and cannot be changed, the only practical thing to do, is to see it for what it is, and allow myself to move through it as self acceptance, as myself without separation

I realize that I must accept myself as spitefulness, as the evil of all evil, I must be willing to see all those evil/nasty/dark parts of me within self honesty and thus no judgment, because all is one - evil exists and spitefulness exists, so it exists as me and I exist as it, as long as I don't allow myself to see me as the evil of all evils I am separating myself from all that is here, as murder, rape, starvation, manipulation, abuse, greed, gossip, blame - I am all that, all that exists in me, and I must allow myself to see this, to actually see it as myself as self realization so that I can figure out how I designed myself as it, so that I know how/why/when I do it, so that I can stop myself and change. I realize that if I don't allow myself to investigate myself as all the evil that I see exists in the world, it would mean I am shutting my eyes, I am not willing to be part of it - but I am part of it.

I know I am courageous enough to face this point, I am here, that's all that I really need, I am here, I don't need the appreciation/acceptance/validation of any one, all I need is to breathe here and move myself, and see myself as all the evil that I have participated within, as all the evil that exist, so that I can learn from it, so that I can change myself, so that I can show others that which I have learned and changed and they can also learn and change, so that we can all stop fucking around within/as spitefulness/evil, as we create a world of abuse/suffering, and start living as support of all as equals and create a heaven on the earth that we share.

 

For Further Support, Please check out Links:

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Earth's Journey to Life

Day 53 - Blame character - Part 3 - Reacting to Tonality - Self Commitments

continue from previous blogs:

Day 51 – Blame character – Part 1

Day 52 - Blame character - Part 2 - Reacting to Tonality - Self Forgiveness

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself experiencing being attacked by the interpretation I have given the tonality that is spoken towards/around me, within this I commit myself to remind myself within/as breath that words cannot harm me unless I give them value and accept them as an attack

I commit myself to when reacting to a tonality, investigate the memory I am allowing to direct me, within the understanding that the energetic reaction I am holding towards the tonality of how words are spoken to me are indicating that I am holding on to past experiences as memories and reliving them over and over through allowing myself to be triggered by them, thus, I commit myself to accept my reactions to tonalities as a gifts that are showing me back to myself, as another experience/memory/personality I must clear and free myself from, so that I can walk stable and be equal to/as myself in every breath, here

I commit myself to, when I see myself defining someone as authoritative, to stop myself and breathe, to realize I am communicating with a being who is equal to/as me, and thus to stop myself from accepting myself as less than, I am being, living and walking and eating and shitting and am unconditionally equal to all beings, I realize that any inferiority is of the mind and is a preprogrammed design, designed in the purpose of creating energy through conflict/friction, I commit myself to when I see myself reacting to someone I have defined as authoritative to consider it as a gift for myself to see myself as I walk myself back here, out of the mind as energy and into the physical, within/as breath

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself interpreting someone's tonality as being attacking, within realizing that attack is of separation of the mind and thus any participation/acceptance of/within accepting attack is supporting the mind, and within that allowing the continued enslavement of myself and all of existence, thus I commit myself to when reacting towards the belief that I am being attacked, to stop and breathe, to bring myself back here to the physical and consider what is here as life, as what is being said in fact and what are the practical implications of it, and not allow myself to go into my mind as energy, within realizing that participation with the mind has only ever created suffering through separation, instead of support as what is best for all life

I commit myself to investigate my relationship with my name, as I realize that I have attached to it meanings, interpretations and energetic reactions, throughout the years, due to past experiences, through hearing my name repeated over and over in specific tonalities while experiencing specific energetic experiences, and thus have connected and "appropriate" reaction to every specific tonality, I commit myself within this to free myself from my own name through a process of writing, self forgiveness and self corrective statements, until it is done

I commit myself to investigate myself as who I am within impatience as I see it is a point that has many layers and I have allowed it to direct me, thus within this, I commit myself to, as I walk the point of impatience and clear it up for myself within writing, self forgiveness, and corrective statement, when/as I see myself participate/react from/towards/within impatience, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself beck here into my physical body, reminding myself I only exist as one breath and can only do what can be done in one breath, thus I breathe and move, and stop the back chat as impatience or reaction towards impatience

I commit myself to, when interpreting someone being impatient with me to stop and breath, and to communicate with the other as asking them if they are impatient, and thus to not allow myself to go into back chat as reaction that build up as energy that then builds up as resentment, spitefulness and blame, within that I commit myself to considering the other person within understanding that any impatience is not actually personal "against" me, but is reflecting the there being within themselves, thus, I commit myself to focus on myself, to investigate all points of reaction towards impatience and to when interpreting someone as being impatient towards me to check myself as it is an indication that I might be impatient with myself and thus to see where can I improve/correct my application as to not accept others to react as impatience towards me

I commit myself to, when interpreting someone being impatient with me through interpreting and reacting to the tonality of their voice, to stop and breath, and to communicate with the other as asking them if they are impatient, and thus to not allow myself to go into back chat as reaction that build up as energy that then builds up as resentment, spitefulness and blame, within that I commit myself to considering the other person within understanding that any impatience is not actually personal "against" me, but is reflecting them within themselves, thus, I commit myself to focus on myself, to investigate all points of reaction towards impatience and to when interpreting someone as being impatient towards me to check myself as it is an indication that I might be impatient with myself and thus to see where can I improve/correct my application as to not expect others to react as impatience towards me through my projection of self impatience

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath from going into defense mode when I perceive myself as being attacked through other people's expression within their tonality, instead I commit myself to within breath evaluate the situation and see if I am projecting self impatience onto the other, and thus correct my application and stop the self judgment

I realize there are many points intertwined here, and thus it will be a process that will have to be walked point by point, to entangle all connections I have allowed myself to create and live by within my mind, thus I commit myself to walk this process, one breath at a time, one step at a time, one point at a time, as each point opens and more of self is revealed and can be walked through writing, self forgiveness, corrective statements, and practical application within the physical, I commit myself to remind myself this is a process of specificity and must be walked as such

I commit myself to within walking this process of self realization and correction, to stop all self judgment as I realize that it is a construct of self abuse and self sabotage within separating myself from/as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become and to not allow myself within the judgment/shame/guild/regret to face myself as who I am, within this I realize that to be able to change myself I must look at all the points I have accepted myself to exist as, and to investigate how/why/when I have allowed these points to direct me as directive principle instead of being self directed within self honesty as life, I commit myself to walk this process to be sure I will never walk down the same path again, and I can trust myself to stand in support of all life as one and equal

 

For Further Support, Please check out Links:

Desteni

Desteni Wiki

Desteni Forum

Desteni I Process

Equal Money System

Journey to Life Group

Eqafe Life Products - Self Help

Creation's Journey to Life

Heaven's Journey to LIfe

Earth's Journey to Life

Day 46 - Depression - Part 4 - Positive Reinforcement - Self Forgiveness & Corrective Statement

 

this is a follow up to my previous blogs:

Day 43 - Signs of Depression

Day 44 - Depression - Part 2 - The Cycle of Worthlessness

Day 45 - Depression - Part 3 - Positive Reinforcement

 

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dependent on positive reinforcement to be able to assess myself and recognize if I'm on the right track, within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself within not trusting myself to know within myself within/as self honesty if I'm in the "right direction" so to speak

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect to receive positive reinforcement when I do things as I should and I haven't realized the impracticality of such an expectation, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the world doesn't revolve around me and thus when I do things as I should there isn't a committee set up to applaud me, within this I realize I have been programmed to believe I am special and loved through positive reinforcement and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept such construct as program to exist within me, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the inherent limitation I have accepted as myself through the expectation for positive reinforcement and I haven't allowed myself to see the influence this construct has had on my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to positive reinforcement as the positive feeling I would get when being positively reinforced, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within being addicted to positive reinforcement, as with any addiction, I am not self directive because I will do anything as manipulation/deception to get the high positive energy, and will lash out on beings that don't supply my drug as positive reinforcement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lash out at beings, in words or in my mind, for not giving me positive reinforcement as the drug I crave, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify the lashing out at others through the belief/desire they should give me positive reinforcement, and within that I have created a belief that they are going through a ego problem for not giving me the positive reinforcement I believe I deserve

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame beings that don't give me the positive reinforcement that I believe I require in order to define myself as positive, and within going into blame I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind as back chat compounding the blame and justification, instead of realizing that like any addict I am responding through/as the addiction and thus cannot be trusted until I detoxify all the drug out of my system, through not allowing myself to accept positive reinforcement until I am satisfied that I can stand stable without it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in my mind, spite/revenge beings when they do not supply me with the positive reinforcement I am expecting and within that to allow myself to be nasty in my thoughts within the justification that "they deserve it" for not giving me my drug, and besides "I am not harming anybody" because it's only in my mind, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate within self honesty the consequences of participating within/as thoughts and to simply allow myself to participate with them, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the direct outflow of my participation with spiteful/revengeful thoughts as lashing out towards the other being in my mind, as the direct outflow is my allowing and accepting myself to abuse through first allowing spiteful thoughts to then allow spiteful words and then spiteful deeds towards them disregarding them as life simply because they haven't supplied me with the "hit" of positive reinforcement I was looking for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be positively reinforced instead of pushing myself to stand as self support and stability within not needing others to validate/confirm me because I would be stable within/as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be special and within that to expect everyone around me to be so impressed with me when I do things as I should, instead of looking at it within practicality as when things are done as they should be why would anything need to be mentioned, expecting a remark when I do things as I should implies that I do not expect myself to do as I should and that I expect my environment not to expect me to do as I should, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within the expectation to receive a positive reinforcement I am implying that I do not actually expect me to succeed in what I am doing, and thus within it hide a form of self belittlement, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive positive reinforcement as a positive construct of support and I haven't seen that within it there is an implication of diminishment as an initial expectation for failure and thus a surprise as support when succeed, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the deceptive nature within positive reinforcement as a construct to keep being within a self belief of not being good enough and thus require the positive reinforcement, instead of giving actual support as suggestions for improvement within an expectation for perfection

 

Self Commitment

I commit myself to, through a process of writing myself out within self forgiveness and self corrective statements, to establish self trust within myself, within this I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath from relying on positive reinforcements to "tell" me who I am and within that to "know if I'm on the right track" but instead to know who I am as myself within self honesty

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself in search of external validation

I commit myself to stop the addiction to positive reinforcement through the realization that it is in fact a self diminishing construct and I will not allow myself to participate within it anymore, thus I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I see myself fall into the pattern of desire for positive reinforcement

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when and as I see myself go into thoughts/desires of being special/the center of the universe, within this I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself going into back chat as expectation/blame for not getting the positive reinforcement I believe I should get, within this I realize the extent programming I have accepted due to my participation within/as positive reinforcement and I commit myself to stop myself within giving others positive reinforcement because I see the destructive/abusive nature of such a construct

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself lashing out at other being, within words or in the mind, for not giving me positive reinforcement and instead I commit myself to see such points as a gift given to self by them, a gift that allows me to assess myself if/where I can expand my application more, as well as to see if the desire for positive reinforcement still exists within/as me, to notice that, and forgive myself within/as self support, within that I commit myself to practice gratefulness towards beings that do not give me positive reinforcement because through them I can see my addiction and walk through it

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath from participating within/as positive reinforcement, within this I commit myself to stop myself when/as I see myself going into manipulation to try and get positive reinforcement from those around me, when/as I see myself trying to get positive reinforcement I stop and breath, I bring myself back here, and remind myself that the positive feeling is an energetic experience as a drug to an addict and is not real as life, and thus I do not in fact require it, I commit myself to, through breath, bring myself here and prove to myself again and again that all I require is being here within breath.

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself giving others or about to give others positive reinforcement, I commit myself to find within/as myself the practical wording to actually support the being and not use positive reinforcement just because it feels nice, but to consider the other as well as myself and to stop myself from participating within the construct of positive reinforcement

I commit myself to through writing and practical common sense to learn how to support another as myself within stopping myself as the pattern of giving/desiring positive reinforcement and instead to focus on the practical physicality to direct any situation within support

I commit myself to investigate thoughts and the consequences of thoughts as to not allow myself to excuse myself from taking responsibility for my thoughts through the participation within ignorance as the excuse that "it's not harming anyone" without actually taking the time and walking the process of investigating all thoughts to be able to make that statement

I commit myself to stop myself from making assumptions without investigating the point for myself in fact, as the assumption of "thoughts can't hurt/harm anyone"

I commit myself, within realizing the direct outflow of thoughts being words/deeds, to stop myself within/as breath when and as I see myself participate within thoughts of spite/revenge towards others for not giving me the energetic high I wanted for my addiction of positive reinforcement

I commit myself to excellence and perfection, within this I commit myself to do things to the fullest and not allow myself to accept anything less than 100%, within this I realize the advantage of not getting positive reinforcement as it supports mediocrity as a form of saying "it's good enough". Thus I commit myself to stop myself within breath when I see myself accepting mediocrity as accepting from myself less than my full application according to the moment within common sense and self honesty

I commit myself to myself, I commit myself to establishing self trust through writing, self forgiveness, corrective statement and walking the correction within and as breath, day by day, breath by breath

Day 43 - Signs of Depression

 

I've been waking up every morning 10-30 minutes before my alarm goes off, and every time I had gone back to sleep, to "win" those precious minutes of sleep instead of simply waking up and “winning" them as being awake - alive.

I've written about this point before and I've seen that the high value I place on sleep is essentially a sign of depression, through escaping myself as life within my daily responsibilities.

Yesterday I was told I have an expression of sadness in my eyes, it took me by surprise because I try to present myself as a happy expression, so it is surprising when people can see through the mask and into the deeper me.

I’ve never allowed myself to explore that point because I have always feared falling into depression, I always knew it was there but have been resisting opening that box up, due to the fear of what I might find in it… and even worse, what if I can't close/clear/ignore the content of the box, and will stay in a state of depression for ever…

When I was about 16 years old I learnt that my grandmother had suffered from depression all her life, I think that it might have been the cause for the fear, because it's known to be hereditary and thus I was worried that if I just trigger it in any way, and let it show it's head, it will have me, I will be lost in depression.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to be able to see/face myself as sadness/depression and accordingly correct and change myself while remaining stable within and as myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to explore myself as sadness/depression within fear of not being able to control/handle it and thus within fear of remaining depressed forever, within this i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust me to be here as breath, within the understanding that i am the creator of depression within/as myself and thus i have the ability to assist and support myself to stand, as I’m the directive principle as the one that decide who I am in every moment of ever breath, within this i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the story/situation of my grandmother onto myself and thus create a fear within me in regards to someone else's experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear falling into depression, and within that to create myself as a happy character, as a mask to hide any sign of sadness behind, and thus to suppress myself through not allowing myself to see myself as sad, instead of allowing myself to face myself as who I am in each moment within realizing that my experience is the consequence of who I have allowed myself to be, and thus only through allowing myself to face myself can I see the point within its source/origin and change myself accordingly as self correction to support myself as life, within this i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by hiding myself from myself I am living as self suppression within fear and allowing the source point to accumulate uninterrupted, as I go along deceiving myself into believing I am happy because I have become so used to my happy character that I have created

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate sadness within/as myself instead of allowing myself to within self honesty face each point/experience as it appears in the moment, to be able to see it, breathe through it, walk the correction and "be done with it", instead of suppressing it within not allowing myself to step out of my happy character, not allowing myself to admit and see/face the point of pain/sorrow within me due to fear of what i might find, and self doubt in regards to not trusting myself to be able to stay stable here within/as breath within opening up such points

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into sadness/depression when thinking of all the abuse going on in the world and knowing I have been living my life ignoring all the pain/abuse/suffering because I was "lucky" to be born in a supportive environment, and thus I feel guilty for not having to suffer when others do, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into sadness/guilt/depression as a way of self deception to bring myself to a form of being paralyzed as a way to excuse myself from doing all in my ability/power to do to change reality so that no one needs to suffer ever again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into depression as my way to get myself out of the game, so to speak, as a way to excuse myself from having to do anything because I am sad/depressed. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the social acceptance where being sad/depressed is a treated as an illness as if one cannot function at top of ones ability due to accepting sadness/depression to take over as mind possession, and thus being sad/depressed has been used by myself and society as an excuse to not take responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be sad/depressed within fear of being alone, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone and within that to create dependencies on other beings in my environment, to then when thinking about not being around them any more I become sad/depressed within/as fear being alone, as well as fear of loss

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that fear of loss as well as fear of being alone are mind created fears, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop my participation with fear of loss as well as fear of being alone and to thus allow myself to be directed by the fears within creating a dependency on others, only to, when thoughts of the future within the possibility of losing them come up, allow myself to go into sadness/depression, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value my thoughts as future projections/fear more than life, here in the moment as the physical, and to thus compromise myself as life here, to entertain myself as thoughts in the mind, to create energetic reactions within me, to then be directed by the energy and not move myself within self direction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, within seeing myself as unworthy and within this to create inner resentment towards myself that has accumulated into a sadness/depression

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as less than the idea I have about myself as who I should have been, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others within the assumption that they are living out the idea I had set out for myself, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a competition within my mind where I am always the looser, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide all of this from myself within shame through creating myself as the happy/confident character to show everyone around me that I am not a looser, while in the process suppressing myself to such an extent that now, when I am here and ready to face myself I cannot easily see/find the points within myself as the actual source of sadness/depression

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself through creating myself as happy character to cover up the actual feelings of shame/self judgment I’ve been experiencing, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as those experiences instead of allowing myself to deal with them as self support within self honesty

I commit myself to when going into fear of loss as well as fear of being alone I stop myself within/as breath, I realize that these fears exist through my participation with them, and thus I make a directive decision to stop myself as the fear and breathe myself back here to the physical, here as life, where fear does not exist, I realize that any participation within fear is a mind manipulation to keep me trapped as the mind and not able to see reality as the physical as one and equal

I commit myself to stop myself within the experience of sad/depressed because I realize it is an energetic experience opening the back door for me to get out of my responsibilities, I commit myself to investigate within self honesty the source point of sadness/depression to be able to stand within/as it and not allow it to direct me

I commit myself to allow myself to see/face points within myself as sadness because I realize that they are there, and thus to change myself within the point I must face it

I commit myself to further investigate the point of depression within me, until I am satisfied that I can direct myself within/as the point, I commit myself to support myself, to not compromise within this point and to push through the resistance until I am done with it, and am here, within/as breath, within self trust and self worthiness.

day 13 - The procrastinator character

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create myself as the character of procrastinator

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for myself within participating as the character of procrastination and thus have allowed and accepted procrastination to exist within myself and the world as myself

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I am defined by this character of being a procrastinator, not realizing that I have created myself as such and only through my allowance and accepted have I become one and equal to this character

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live as the character of procrastinator and through my acceptance of this character use it as an excuse to not take self responsibility and apply myself within my world effectively because I have believed and defined myself as procrastinator

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel trapped in this character of procrastination, and thus have allowed myself to be directed by it and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone things/activities due to believing I am a procrastinator and thus have legitimacy to postpone because it is who I am. Not allowing myself to see and realize that I am not in fact the character of procrastination and by accepting and allowing myself exit as such a character I am re-creating it and compounding the power it has on me, in other words, as long as I allow myself to participate and play along within the character of procrastinator, I am making it harder for me to see, realize and understand that it is not who I am in fact, within participating more as the character of procrastination I am creating more and more memories to then define as myself and to remind myself that I am in fact a procrastinator

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use the character of procrastination as an excuse to give up on myself before I even start, within the manipulation of not leaving myself enough time to be effective within my assignment/activities, and thus set myself for failure and mediocre achievement, thus allowing the construct of mediocrity to exist within myself and within the world as myself, not realizing that "shooting low" is based in fear and thus I have been allowing fear to direct me through the character of procrastination

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as the character of procrastination as a method to hide from myself the fear I allow myself to experience when faced with assignments/activities I believe myself to have difficulty with, and then within validating the character of "I am not good at this" I create the procrastination character to make sure I actually do a mediocre job, and not allow myself to do everything I could have done if I had given myself the time to do things properly, within an idea time frame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the character of procrastination back up character to enforce other characters that are based in fear/self-judgment/self-doubt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support many other characters that I have created as myself through the character of procrastination

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see realize and understand that by participating in the character of procrastination I am supporting all the other characters that I have created that are creating my experience of failure/inadequacy/inferiority

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that by participating in the character of procrastination I am leading the way before me for self-judgment and thus self-abuse, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the character of procrastination within knowing as myself the path it leads and still allowing myself to go down that path as a deliberate method to abuse myself, instead of stopping myself within the understanding that the path of procrastination leads to self-judgment as self-abuse and to stop myself within/as support of life

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop the character of procrastination because I actually don't want to take self responsibility and having this character of procrastination as a support character of the other self-sabotaging characters is the method I use to excuse myself from actually living as self-responsibility, within the belief that I am not cut out for it, I am not capable, because I am a procrastinator

I commit myself to stopping my participation within/as the character of procrastinator, within the understanding that I am the creator of this character, thus cannot be defined by it but instead have the power/ability to stop my participation within/as it

I commit myself to seeing/investigating if/when I find myself participating within/as the character of procrastination to from the investigation find and forgiving myself for the reason/excuse I have given myself to procrastinate and to stop myself within/as breath from then on if/when the reason come up

I commit myself to using the character of procrastination as a support character to help me see what other character is actually hiding beneath the procrastination character so I can once and for all get to the bottom of myself as the characters I have allowed myself to exist as and have allowed myself to lose myself within, in order to forgive myself for all the characters that I have allowed myself to exist as and to let them go one by one so that I can stop myself as an organic robot defined by the self created character, but rather to trust myself to live as life, here within/as breath, not limited nor directed by characters but actually living fully in every breath what is best for all life

I commit myself to supporting myself as life through the process of self forgiveness as I free myself and let go one by one of all the characters I have been participating with