Day 46 - Depression - Part 4 - Positive Reinforcement - Self Forgiveness & Corrective Statement

 

this is a follow up to my previous blogs:

Day 43 - Signs of Depression

Day 44 - Depression - Part 2 - The Cycle of Worthlessness

Day 45 - Depression - Part 3 - Positive Reinforcement

 

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dependent on positive reinforcement to be able to assess myself and recognize if I'm on the right track, within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself within not trusting myself to know within myself within/as self honesty if I'm in the "right direction" so to speak

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect to receive positive reinforcement when I do things as I should and I haven't realized the impracticality of such an expectation, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the world doesn't revolve around me and thus when I do things as I should there isn't a committee set up to applaud me, within this I realize I have been programmed to believe I am special and loved through positive reinforcement and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept such construct as program to exist within me, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the inherent limitation I have accepted as myself through the expectation for positive reinforcement and I haven't allowed myself to see the influence this construct has had on my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to positive reinforcement as the positive feeling I would get when being positively reinforced, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within being addicted to positive reinforcement, as with any addiction, I am not self directive because I will do anything as manipulation/deception to get the high positive energy, and will lash out on beings that don't supply my drug as positive reinforcement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lash out at beings, in words or in my mind, for not giving me positive reinforcement as the drug I crave, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify the lashing out at others through the belief/desire they should give me positive reinforcement, and within that I have created a belief that they are going through a ego problem for not giving me the positive reinforcement I believe I deserve

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame beings that don't give me the positive reinforcement that I believe I require in order to define myself as positive, and within going into blame I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind as back chat compounding the blame and justification, instead of realizing that like any addict I am responding through/as the addiction and thus cannot be trusted until I detoxify all the drug out of my system, through not allowing myself to accept positive reinforcement until I am satisfied that I can stand stable without it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in my mind, spite/revenge beings when they do not supply me with the positive reinforcement I am expecting and within that to allow myself to be nasty in my thoughts within the justification that "they deserve it" for not giving me my drug, and besides "I am not harming anybody" because it's only in my mind, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate within self honesty the consequences of participating within/as thoughts and to simply allow myself to participate with them, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the direct outflow of my participation with spiteful/revengeful thoughts as lashing out towards the other being in my mind, as the direct outflow is my allowing and accepting myself to abuse through first allowing spiteful thoughts to then allow spiteful words and then spiteful deeds towards them disregarding them as life simply because they haven't supplied me with the "hit" of positive reinforcement I was looking for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be positively reinforced instead of pushing myself to stand as self support and stability within not needing others to validate/confirm me because I would be stable within/as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be special and within that to expect everyone around me to be so impressed with me when I do things as I should, instead of looking at it within practicality as when things are done as they should be why would anything need to be mentioned, expecting a remark when I do things as I should implies that I do not expect myself to do as I should and that I expect my environment not to expect me to do as I should, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within the expectation to receive a positive reinforcement I am implying that I do not actually expect me to succeed in what I am doing, and thus within it hide a form of self belittlement, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive positive reinforcement as a positive construct of support and I haven't seen that within it there is an implication of diminishment as an initial expectation for failure and thus a surprise as support when succeed, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the deceptive nature within positive reinforcement as a construct to keep being within a self belief of not being good enough and thus require the positive reinforcement, instead of giving actual support as suggestions for improvement within an expectation for perfection

 

Self Commitment

I commit myself to, through a process of writing myself out within self forgiveness and self corrective statements, to establish self trust within myself, within this I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath from relying on positive reinforcements to "tell" me who I am and within that to "know if I'm on the right track" but instead to know who I am as myself within self honesty

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself in search of external validation

I commit myself to stop the addiction to positive reinforcement through the realization that it is in fact a self diminishing construct and I will not allow myself to participate within it anymore, thus I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I see myself fall into the pattern of desire for positive reinforcement

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when and as I see myself go into thoughts/desires of being special/the center of the universe, within this I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself going into back chat as expectation/blame for not getting the positive reinforcement I believe I should get, within this I realize the extent programming I have accepted due to my participation within/as positive reinforcement and I commit myself to stop myself within giving others positive reinforcement because I see the destructive/abusive nature of such a construct

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself lashing out at other being, within words or in the mind, for not giving me positive reinforcement and instead I commit myself to see such points as a gift given to self by them, a gift that allows me to assess myself if/where I can expand my application more, as well as to see if the desire for positive reinforcement still exists within/as me, to notice that, and forgive myself within/as self support, within that I commit myself to practice gratefulness towards beings that do not give me positive reinforcement because through them I can see my addiction and walk through it

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath from participating within/as positive reinforcement, within this I commit myself to stop myself when/as I see myself going into manipulation to try and get positive reinforcement from those around me, when/as I see myself trying to get positive reinforcement I stop and breath, I bring myself back here, and remind myself that the positive feeling is an energetic experience as a drug to an addict and is not real as life, and thus I do not in fact require it, I commit myself to, through breath, bring myself here and prove to myself again and again that all I require is being here within breath.

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself giving others or about to give others positive reinforcement, I commit myself to find within/as myself the practical wording to actually support the being and not use positive reinforcement just because it feels nice, but to consider the other as well as myself and to stop myself from participating within the construct of positive reinforcement

I commit myself to through writing and practical common sense to learn how to support another as myself within stopping myself as the pattern of giving/desiring positive reinforcement and instead to focus on the practical physicality to direct any situation within support

I commit myself to investigate thoughts and the consequences of thoughts as to not allow myself to excuse myself from taking responsibility for my thoughts through the participation within ignorance as the excuse that "it's not harming anyone" without actually taking the time and walking the process of investigating all thoughts to be able to make that statement

I commit myself to stop myself from making assumptions without investigating the point for myself in fact, as the assumption of "thoughts can't hurt/harm anyone"

I commit myself, within realizing the direct outflow of thoughts being words/deeds, to stop myself within/as breath when and as I see myself participate within thoughts of spite/revenge towards others for not giving me the energetic high I wanted for my addiction of positive reinforcement

I commit myself to excellence and perfection, within this I commit myself to do things to the fullest and not allow myself to accept anything less than 100%, within this I realize the advantage of not getting positive reinforcement as it supports mediocrity as a form of saying "it's good enough". Thus I commit myself to stop myself within breath when I see myself accepting mediocrity as accepting from myself less than my full application according to the moment within common sense and self honesty

I commit myself to myself, I commit myself to establishing self trust through writing, self forgiveness, corrective statement and walking the correction within and as breath, day by day, breath by breath

Day 34 – Hiding Myself through Exposure

This blog is also related to: Day 26 - Wanting to be accepted

I've been reading other people's journey to life blogs, and I've ran into a few of them talking about being shy and afraid of opening up to people because they fear getting hurt, for example – as I read these blogs and I relate to what the being is experiencing, but my behavior is opposite, I do not close off I do not shy away, I am very expressive and talkative and I act in a way that doesn't reveal me as shy, I hide myself as being shy through being open, but I am not really open, I am acting out, I am not really expressing myself, I am expressing a character I have created myself as, the funny/open/friendly character, when in fact inside I am full of self-judgment, fear of being rejected, desire to being approved…

I learned this character from my family, they are all very outspoken, very loud, very expressive, and in my eyes, very loved and appreciated by others, so I taught myself that to be loved and appreciated by others I must express myself in a  loud/funny/outgoing way, as this is what people like, and this is how I'm going to get the acceptance/love/approval I so very much yearn for, as I have not taught myself to give it to myself, thus I have created a dependency on others to supply me with the "drug of my choice" being acceptance / approval / love

I have allowed myself to become a puppet, where I act and dance and put on a show to get the audience to applaud, not allowing myself one moment of sitting back and actually breathing, slowing down within/as myself and actually expressing myself, I've been on this race to win the Oscar for best actress, having been acting so "real" that no one can see it's an act, acting so well that no one can see that in fact I am shy within myself, that I am doubting myself, that I am judging myself, that I am not sure of myself, that I just want to hide because I am so afraid of not being accepted. I hide behind the mask of exposure.

I guess this type of construct is used often, like if I don't want to be seen as something I will express that to the extreme to get all suspicions away, so it's an interesting polarity where I do not accept myself as who I am, and do not allow myself to express myself within the one side of the polarity as being shy, due to judging it as bad/wrong/unacceptable, and then I go ahead and play out a character, expressing the other side of the polarity as out-going/expressive/confident, to cover up the shameful truth of who I really am, and thus to become a deceitful actress, deceiving all around me that I claim to care about, and deceiving myself as cheating myself out of the opportunity to live as self-expression, but instead to live a lie of hiding.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within/as an experience of being shy / uncomfortable around people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what people will think of me, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people judging me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a desire for acceptance/approval, within a belief that if I am accepted/approved by others that means I am OK, not realizing the double deception within that belief being A): the desire to be accepted by others is indicating I am not accepting myself and thus am not OK in my own judgment thus would be cool to check for myself who I am within what I am allowing within/as myself and seeing for myself if I am OK/acceptable or not, within that changing myself accordingly within self-trust, as trusting that I will know who I am and how to change. B): being accepted by others will never indicate that I am OK, but will only indicate the norm of society and thus the society will approve only that which allows it, as society, to maintain the deception it is living as, thus if society says I am OK, it by no means indicates that I am in fact OK from a perspective of equality and oneness as what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be shy around people within an experience of not feeling comfortable within/as myself, as not knowing how to be me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed for being shy/insecure around people, within an expectation that I should always feel comfortable within/as myself, but the fact is that I don't and thus I abuse myself within self-judgment as shame for who I am within the experience of being shy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear opening up to people from fear of their judgment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear showing the real me because I fear being rejected, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to calculate what I share with people to make sure that I will be socially accepted, instead of allowing myself to express myself fully as who I am here in the moment within/as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear of judgment/rejection to such an extent that I change myself as my expression to  become a character that I created as myself to be what I believe will be accepted/approved/liked, within that I forgive myself for not allowing myself to live self-honesty within/as self-expression but to manipulate and deceive myself and my environment within creating myself as a character, not allowing myself to see/realize that by becoming a character I am defending/protecting my desire to be accepted/approved thus restricting/confining myself within/as the limitations of the mind as an idea of how one should be/act/behave, thus participating within/as judgment and suppression instead of living as life within self-honesty here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expressing myself as shy/uncomfortable/unconfident because I have created an idea that being shy is weak and I want to be strong, and thus I hide myself as who I am in the moment and act within/as a character that I believe will serve me within self-interest, thus allowing myself to cheat/deceive in order to get what I want as attention/approval/love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trap myself in a polarity of the mind as resisting/judging myself as shy/weak/vulnerable and instead present myself as confident/strong within a belief that this character will be loved/accepted and thus I will get what I want within self-interest, feeding my mind as desire for love/approval instead of living as myself here within self-dignity within self-honesty as allowing myself to be/face/see myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to become within realizing that if I hide me from myself within separation I am making it that much harder for me to face myself as who I have allowed myself to be and become and thus harder to see within self-honesty if this is who I want to be within the principle of equality as what is best for all within dignifying myself as life, and thus making it impossible for me to change, rather than allowing myself to face/see myself for who I am within shyness/uncomfortableness  and from there to correct myself within investigating the why I allow myself to be shy/uncomfortable within/as myself, what am I showing myself within this point, and to correct myself from there.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by deceiving myself and others through participating in the act of the character of funny/confident I am not allowing myself to see myself within self-expression nor do not allow myself to see myself within actual real communication because I am busy hiding myself, and thus I do not actually allow myself to know myself because of the fear of who I will be if I allow myself to be me, within a deep assumption that who I am is not good enough and thus even without really knowing who I will be I hide myself just in case

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself within a deep knowing that who I am is not going to be liked/accepted/loved/aproved, because who I am is self-interest, and thus I hide myself within that very self-interest as who I am, to be sure I get the love/acceptance I want/desire, instead of facing myself within self-responsibility and allowing myself to face myself as the self-interest being that I have allowed myself to become, and from within facing myself to make a directive decision within self-honesty within/as the principle of equality and oneness and to change myself within/as breath to be able to be a being that honors self as life within self-dignity and thus rebirthing myself from the self-interest being that I am now and busy hiding, into a being that supports myself as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer to put on a mask of funny/comfortable than to face myself and correct myself within self-honesty to actually be able to express myself as funny/comfortable once I have proven to myself that I am not being directed by energy as fear and am in fact directing/expressing myself as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself within/as a character rather than allowing myself to express myself as who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being confident/outgoing is better than being shy/closed, not realizing that it is all about the starting point, and it's not about a polarity/competition between two different expressions, thus I realize that if I am existing within a polarity I have created of two expressions I am allowing myself to exist as the mind and not here as life within self-expression, thus I stop myself and breathe, and bring myself back here, I slowdown to be able to see myself as who I am in fact and not depend on the idea/value I have placed on expressions within a polarity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy my behavior from what I have seen within my family's behavior, and within that to compare myself to what I see as their expression and try to live/express myself in the same way, within that I forgive myself for trapping myself within/as an idea of how I should express myself instead of allowing myself to be myself within self-expression as within self-honesty  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself believe I have to act in a specific way as a funny/confident character to be accepted by others instead of realizing myself within self-honesty, to know who I am and to accept myself within/as who I actually am, to not be dependent on the acceptance of others within the restriction I have placed upon myself to behave in a specific way to get their acceptance, but rather to accept myself as who I am as life, to from the point of acceptance to change myself within the principle of equality as what is best for all because I realize that only through changing myself within/as what is best for all will I be able to truly accept myself as life, knowing I am living within support of myself as life and not through/as the mind within fear as a character

Self-Commitment

I commit myself to when experiencing myself as shy/uncomfortable to stop and breathe, to realize that any emotional/energetic reaction is of the mind and thus not real, I am lying to myself to believe I am in fact shy/uncomfortable, thus I commit myself to bring myself back here within/as breath

I commit myself to when experiencing myself as shy/uncomfortable to stop and breathe, and to investigate what am I showing myself through this experience, who am I accepting myself to be within this experience, within this I commit myself to allowing myself to see/face myself for who I am in the moment because I realizie that only through first seeing myself for who I really am will I ever be able to change myself into that which supports all life as what is best for all

I commit myself to when experiencing myself within/as fear of people, to stop and breathe, to realize that I only fear people because I have not allowed myself to know myself within self-honesty, and thus I commit to investigating myself and to finding out for myself who I am in fact, to be able to accept myself as who I am

I commit myself to stop directing myself through the fear of what people may think/judge me for, and rather to direct myself within the principle of equality as what is best for all

I commit myself to stop myself within/as the desire to be acceptance/approved within realizing that as long as I am directed by this desire I am un trustworthy for I am allowing myself to be directed by the force of self-interest instead of being self-directive as life within supporting myself as life, thus I commit myself to stopping myself as anything that I have not intentionally directed myself as, thus anything of the mind where I am not the self-directive principle I stop because I know it isn't me in fact as life

I commit myself to stop defining myself according to what others think of me through realizing that what others think/accept is only representing their own point within their process/life, and thus I commit myself to establishing self-trust to be able to look at myself within/as self-honesty and to evaluate myself to/for myself within seeing am I acting/behaving in a way that actually supports life or am I acting/behaving in a way that supports self-interest and within that to move myself accordingly

I commit myself to explore new ways of expressing myself outside of the expressions I have created myself as, as characters, within that I commit myself to exploring myself without judgment

I commit myself to getting to know me for who I am as how I have accepted and allowed myself to become, to be able to see/face myself within self-honesty without judgment, I commit myself to stopping any form of self-judgment within/as breath and to realize that every point of self-judgment is pointing at something within me I do not want to see, and thus to push myself to look further within self-honesty to show me to myself until all of me as who I am has been exposed to me