Showing posts with label fear of failure. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear of failure. Show all posts
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
I've realized today, once again, that my life is like being stuck on a marry-go-round, where I go up and down and there is somewhat of an experience that things are happening, but I am actually doing the same thing, living out the same patterns, the same characters over and over and over… existing within an illusion that I am living, not even realizing that I have been on the same ride going round and round… I know there is life beyond this ride, and I know I have the power to get off the ride and start living, but I guess it's easier said then done - only through actual self investigation in self honesty will I be able to set myself free, I must ask myself the most intimate, hardest questions within the starting point of actually wanting to sort myself out, and to answer myself in harsh self honesty - I must also realize what questions I must ask myself? And not accept the automated "but I don't know" as an answer.
Since I became aware of the desteni process I've become aware of such points - that we are all accepting ourselves as patterns of the mind and not actually living as self expression as who we are, that we have all lost ourselves to such an extent that we do not know why we do what we do, we do not even know what we are feeling let alone what was the process of creation as we created these feelings within / as ourselves, as we were an active part of creating them, every step of the way, yet, conveniently we have allowed ourselves to forget the process and trap ourselves in the realm of consequence, thus existing as the victim of reality instead of realizing ourselves as the creation - whereas the victim is powerless and cannot do much to change while the creator has all the power to change everything yet requires the intention to do so - it's been 4 years now, that I know this, and even though I know this to be true, and am frustrated by it, I have not yet moved myself to do anything about it, I prefer believing myself as the helpless victim rather than taking self responsibility and living as the creator - because living as the creator has one of two options - to face myself as a creator that doesn’t care about anything, and live with myself as such, or get off my ass and take responsibility for my creation, and correct / change / perfect myself to be a creation that I proudly stand by - when thinking about why the hell am I not doing everything in my power to prefect myself, to change myself into becoming a being of self worth as I know that by changing myself I can become, the only answer I come up with is that I really don't care enough about myself, nor life, nor anyone really nor anything - up until now I obviously did care about anything in life, because if I would have, wouldn't I get my ass into gear by now, and do something about this fuck up of a life?
This isn't easy to admit, who wants to admit that they don't care about themselves, nor anything and anyone in their world?... All I really ever cared about is surviving, and since I was born into a financially comfortable situation, the only survival I had to consider was social survival - which if investigated a bit, I always experienced myself within social fear and sense of exclusion in everything I did, so I surrounded myself with many friends, from kindergarten age, some friends I liked more than others, some I used just for the company, but I would have never admitted to it - it's like all friendship was, was a joining of two lonely people that if they were together they wouldn't have to face the fact that they are living in a state of constant loneliness and a sense of exclusion - and then, after some time of practicing this social thing, the loneliness was suppressed and forgotten and was replaced with a plastic sense of belonging, only to came back up and rear it's head as fear, whenever events could be interpreted as a social problem, if they implied that something may change and the experience of loneliness / exclusion / rejection may return.
It wasn't all like that, as a very young child there was a point of pure enjoyment, like an actual physical enjoyment, playing together and laughing, but here, I am more referring to the time where "politics" / self interest / manipulation came into friendships, when it wasn't about the "just being here and enjoying ourselves and each other" but when it became, you know, girly and gossipy, proving to each other our friendship with gestures of loyalty, usually at someone's expense, and so on… when it became something you need to maintain and work on and not just enjoy.
Anyway, infesting this is coming up now, I am leaving the farm soon and I haven't addressed this point effectively in writing, I actually haven’t really addressed any point effectively in writing, I have just hardly scraped the surface, which is the main point of not committing myself and just letting myself go through the same shit over and over instead of dedicating myself to myself to sort myself out - always back to the same point.
So, here I am , in a process of learning to support myself, ashamed of myself for taking so long to get off my ass to make the first step in caring for myself, in trying to change myself and become a person that I want to care for, that I honor and respect, and doubting whether I can even make it and change myself - though, this self doubt is also just one of those characters on my marry-go-round, a character that I have allowed to direct me and infiltrate almost everything I do - self doubt is a tricky bastard, because it presents itself as naïve and innocent - "I am not saying that I can't do it, I just doubt that I can", like preparing the way of failure indirectly, "just in case I fall, let me make sure there is a safety net" - not realizing that instead of focusing on that which I am doing I am placing my attention on failure, and preparing my fall, thus distracting myself and actually sabotaging myself.
When I'm asked how I am doing, I answer with like a form of apology, allowing room to this self doubt character to sneak in, as if I cannot afford to say that "I'm working on it, it's going well, and I am improving, I will continue working on it until I am satisfied" - instead I will say something like "ya, it's ok, getting better, but there is still a long way to go, I'm moving very slow, and it's not as good as I would want it to be by now, but it's improving, so it's ok" - expressing and emphasizing the half empty cup, rather then simply saying it as it is, god forbid I let go this experience of inadequacy and actually take charge of myself and move into the "right" direction, the "right" direction being that which I choose it to be in self honesty.
Only now I see this, lol, I am a pessimistic… I expect the worst I anticipate the worst and I prepare for the worst, that is why I live and exist in constant fear… keeping expectations low, because what if I actually believe in myself and dedicate myself to a point, and actually invest myself in something - and fail - what will happen to me then? Well, the way I am acting it seems like I would die and dissipate into a million non existing pieces of nothing - but reality isn't so dramatic, I think - and so, I have been living as a pessimistic, not realizing that I am creating myself and my world according to who I allow myself to be, as my reality will only reflect me back to myself, and so, it isn't about changing the reality to be good and nice and then to prove my pessimism wrong, which is what I have been trying to do, as I have gone to the positive / feel good / optimistic fantasy land, which is as far from reality as being pessimistic, probably ever farther… it is, as always, about changing myself, as who I am in my relationship to myself, my world and my reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a pessimistic, within believing that I will not be disappointed if I prepare myself to fall, not realizing that by preparing myself to fall I am actually sabotaging myself and manifesting the failure instead of being here in breath and walking practically towards the point I have seen as fit to walk, and dedicating myself practically and fearlessly.
When and as I see myself expressing myself in pessimism, I stop myself and breathe, I direct myself to slow myself down, and evaluate what am I about to say, making sure that I am not participating in the pessimistic character as a means to prepare myself for a fall, and in doing so accepting a fall as inevitable - within this, I commit myself to when and as I see that my tonality or choice of words are pessimistic I stop and breathe and speak in simplistically and clarity, making sure that what I am saying is not contaminated with judgment or fear, but is a reflection of the physical reality as it is.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself pessimistically I stop myself and breathe, I direct myself to speak in stability and express what is actually here, without expectation and fear of failure.
I forgive myself for participating in the polarity of pessimism as seeing the worst and then to cover it up with a fake optimism, not realizing that investigating the point of pessimism allows me insight into myself as it exposes my fears - and so, when and as I see myself expressing / experiencing myself as pessimistic, I stop myself and breathe, and realize this I a gift of self realization if I only see it as such, and not allow myself to suppress it with either fear of positivity but to allow myself to through the pessimism, see reality and myself as is, not more nor less, not better nor worse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more comfortable within expressing myself in self judgment, not realizing that I am harming myself as I am constantly doing so, as what starts with self judgment as a means to remain pessimistic, as to make sure there is something wrong with the picture, ends as an actual self expression as self judgment had become the expression of self, due to my acceptance and participation within it. And so, I commit myself to slow myself down in breath and become more aware and notice my self expression as self judgment, and to stop myself with breath, to come to a halt, when I see myself judging myself for the sake of being negative.
FYI - one of my difficulties in this process, is that every point that opens up is huge, and takes many writings to go through - see here, the self doubt coming up "I can't do it, it's too much for me" - I breathe, and do not allow this chain of thought - and practically, I have proven to myself that consistency is the secret of accumulation, and accumulation is the secret of process - and so, even though a point seems huge, I know that if I take it on bit by bit by bit, I will cover it - and walking one step at a time, is always possible - so I know that all these useless thoughts of "ho shit, this is big" are just distracting / sabotaging me from walking this and any other point - no more - I must do this - and here I am, doing it - one step at a time.
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Friday, March 8, 2013
for context please read my previous blogs:
Day 160 – A life changing Decision
Day 161 - Shame - I've done nothing with my life
Day 162 - Running ahead of myself
Day 163 - Running ahead of myself - Self forgiveness
Day 164 - Enslaved to Memories - Failed opportunity relived
Day 165 - Enslaved to Memories – Correction
Day 166 - Enslaved to Memories - Money and Morality
Day 168 - Falling like a leaf, or following your self direction - what do you chose?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the experience as a self created belief, that making decisions is hard, and thus I have accepted within every decision I had to make, the experience of anxiety as an integral part of it, not allowing myself to be here in breath, and apply common sense within self trust to simply make a decision within self trust
Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept fear to be a part of any decision I have ever made, within a starting point of fear of "making the wrong decision" within the belief that there is the "right" decision and there is the "wrong" decision - this within not trusting myself as believing myself to be clueless, I have allowed myself to exist in self doubt and thus to have self doubt as my starting point, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to utilize common sense and make a directive decision within investigating all points and "going for " that which I have calculated to be the most effective option - but rather I have hidden behind self doubt and allowed myself to stand still / frozen in place, for as long as I can, and thus postponing making the decision to avoid picking the "wrong" option in fear of making a mistake.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid making decisions within fear of making a mistake, and thus have allowed myself to postpone making a decision and wait for the decision to make itself through reality unfolding and options falling away due to other people making decisions, and thus, I have allowed myself to be subject to other people's decision making instead of standing up within myself, and taking a chance, and directing myself, and making a decision for "better" or worse" within realizing that if I don't trust myself within making sure I am looking at the point in common sense and investigating the options, I end up trusting someone else, while I don't know what was their motivation for the action / decision they took, within this I realize that by not making a decision and waiting for the decision to "make itself" I am abdicating self responsibility and not actually ensuring the best outcome possible, because I have taken myself out of the game so to speak, instead of being an active participant and contributing myself through making decisions in self trust within utilizing common sense.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that while I avoid making decisions, decision are still being made, yet I have given my power away and thus cannot influence the outcome but am put myself in a position of an observer, as one that can only complain about the result, and thus have separated myself from the situation and from reality within fear of making a mistake, yet I haven’t realized that one cannot separate oneself from reality, because all in reality is interconnected, and thus, by not standing up within myself and making decisions and walking them in self trust, I have been given my permission to others to make the decision for me, and thus am responsible for the decisions being made, even though I wasn't making them - because within not making a decision I am in fact making the decision to follow others, within giving away my power and ability to influence the outcome to others, and thus am responsible for what they decide and do just as much as if it were me making the direct decision, even though I have not effect of what they decide and do - within this I realize that when I abdicate my opportunity to make decisions and direct myself within my life, I am not in fact abdicating self responsibility, because one remains responsible at all times, all I am doing is giving away my direct influence and contribution, as a statement that I am not worthy of participating and that others / the world will be better off if others decide - but that is bullshit, because I have not the ability to investigate “their” starting point, I can only investigate my own, and thus, only through making direct decision can I ensure that I am contributing to reality and to myself that which I stand by as what is best for all, and every decision that I do not make I am allowing any other starting point to take control, and I am in fact responsible for the outcome
When and as I see myself avoiding making a decision, within the experience of anxiety / fear within not trusting that I know what to do, I stop myself and breathe, I support myself through writing and open up the point / decision that I am facing to see more clearly what am I dealing with, I realize that I do know within myself, within self honesty, what is the decision that I must make, and thus I support myself through writing to reveal myself the answer that I hold within me, in realize that the experience of "not knowing what to do" is a self manipulation tactics to hide from myself in self interest, and thus, I investigate through asking myself questions as to why do I fear facing that which I know within myself in self honesty that I must do - this within realizing that within myself, I have the answer to myself, and I can either find the answer within myself in self honesty as what is best for all in equality and oneness, or I can manipulate myself to hide myself the answer and exist in self interest and fear. Thus, I commit myself to investigate any point within me that I see / find myself avoiding making a decision, I commit myself to get to the bottom of why am I sabotaging myself from being direct and self honest, what am I hiding from myself and why - and within this, through practicing and within and as breath, I will build self trust, one decision at a time.
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Continuing the blog from yesterday: Day
24 – Cleaning table tops
Yesterday as I was doing my cleaning chores, I experienced a frustration
and worry in regards to not knowing what I am doing, and not being good at it,
within expecting myself to already know how it's done and be able to do it effectively.
I recognize such experiences from many other situations throughout my
life, of being a beginner and resisting the process of having to go through the
learning curve until the task/ability comes natural for me.
What I see within this is a point of pride, wanting to be seen as good
and effective, being "a natural", looking at it as if it is shameful
to ask for help or to go through a process of learning, thus I want and expect
from myself to know how anything is done straight off the bat, or I lose
interest in it or resist doing it within believing "it's not for me".
Another point I can relate this to is laziness, from the perspective of
realizing that learning something new will take time, effort and practice,
maybe even some struggle, and there is no immediate satisfaction, you have to
work for it, and only after you have pushed through the point, will you see the
result of your effort, and even that is uncertain.
This brings me to realize another point is the point of the unknown,
meaning, I don't know for a fact that I will actually be able to do the task
effectively within ease, I don't know if I will be good at it, I don't know how
long it will take me to perfect it if at all…
Within a process of learning I see that I do not allow myself to learn
unconditionally, I am learning in order to achieve something, there is a goal
out there, and thus not knowing if I will make that goal creates inner friction
within myself, thoughts like "is it worth it?" come up, "maybe I
am just wasting my time learning this…" projecting myself into the future
and trying to calculate the profit I would get through the action I am taking,
and if I'm not sure I will make a profit I push away through resistance, not
even knowing why I have changed my mind, or any other part of this inner
process that I've allowed within myself to direct me.
Within this I see yet another point of fear of failure, what if I work
hard and try but still will not succeed, or be judged, what if I am seen as a
failure/looser for not knowing straight off the bat what/how to do something… all
these point are intertwined and compounding each other, all lead to each other
and are derived from each other, like feeding off each other to keep me trapped
in the pattern of not allowing myself to learn.
Due to the resistance towards the experience of being a beginner I have
limited myself from learning new tasks, and even when I do I cannot enjoy
myself with all this back chat going on in my mind creating friction and worry
instead of simply allowing myself to be here as I humbly learn new and practical
things to help support me with. When facing learning something new there is
always an excuse building up to get me out of it, so that I don't have to place
myself in the position of "not knowing" as I have defined this
position as weakness and powerlessness in my mind, a position of asking for
help and looking at others as they are perceived in my mind as superior in
regards to a specific task, and then the fear of their superiority and my inferiority
being exposed as I ask them for help…
So, I've allowed myself to exist in this pointless loop of feeling
inferior for not knowing something but then not allowing myself to take the
practical steps as learning the task in order to equalize myself to it
effectively, thus justifying to myself the experience and self-belief of
inferiority, and this will go on endlessly until I stop.
Self-Forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for
not knowing how to do tasks that are new to me, and within that I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect of myself to know something
without walking the process of learning it, only to place myself in a position
of self judgment instead of realizing the simple practical common sense that
things need to be learnt, just as I have learn everything I am able to do in my
life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a state of
worry/frustration when I find myself facing a situation/task I am unfamiliar
with, that I expect myself to know off the bat, instead of realizing that
learning a task takes application within time and the worry/frustration is not
getting me any closer to that which I want to learn but rather pushing me away through
an emotional energetic reaction that I allow to manifest as resistance towards
that activity within the self-belief that I am incapable of doing the task due
to resisting the experience I allow myself to go into while approaching it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect from myself
to have everything come easy/naturally to me and within this expectation use it
as an excuse to not push through all that isn't easy/natural, within this I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be more than the
physical within expecting to be able to know everything without having to
practically-physically learn it, and thus when being faced with the reality of
physicality, that things need to be learn to be known, I go into inferiority
and resist approaching the task at hand to avoid facing myself as "not
more than the physical" as I desire/expect me to be
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by
pride, within this I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing myself to realize that pride is a mind made polarity
construct and thus can be used as a point of support to investigate what I am
resisting through shamefulness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is
shameful to ask for help, not realizing that asking for help is a physical
practical common sense application within this physical world, within this I forgive
myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate within self-honesty
the experience of shamefulness and instead have allowed myself to be directed
by/as it as it is the truth of me, not allowing myself to actually look at the
point and see within common sense if the shame is actually relevant or is just
a mind made illusion/manipulation to keep me trapped and limited within and as
my mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself
into believing I should have known something off the bat, creating expectation
within myself that leads to disappointment, only to then resist the task to
avoid the emotional reaction I have created within myself, when all along the
actual reason was based on realizing the time and effort necessary to learn it
and thus instead of admitting to myself that I do not want to put the time and
effort out of pure laziness within the desire to have it all easy, I have
convinced myself that I am inferior to the task and have allowed myself to go into
a state of emotional turmoil to avoid doing it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to quit before even
starting due to fear of failure within allowing myself to define myself
according to a perceived failure/success, instead of allowing myself to participate
and apply myself unconditionally within the physical
Self-Commitment Statements
I commit myself to allow myself to learn new tasks within the
understanding that learning new tasks takes time and practical physical
application, thus I commit myself to apply myself within the new task and to
stop all expectation and judgment within me because I realize I am allowing
myself through it to distract me and to push me away from walking the learning-process
through an emotional reaction creating resistance towards the task
I commit myself to stop myself as the mind within believing and
expecting non-realistic ideas and beliefs, but rather to stick to common sense
physicality, I commit myself to use the point of expectation/judgment as a
reference point showing me that I have "lost touch" with the physical
reality and thus push myself to find the practical common sense approach within
the specific situation
I commit myself to when facing the point of pride, to stop and breathe, I
realize that pride is a mind construct created as a polarity and that through pride
I commit myself to investigating the other side of the polarity I have created
as shamefulness, and within facing myself as the polarity of pride/shameful I commit
myself to see the point I am pushing myself away from and to stop myself and
investigate the physical practicality of the point within common sense
I commit myself to investigate any point of shamefulness for myself and
within physical practical common sense to find out what the point of shame is
showing me, within realizing that most of things I am ashamed of are based in a
cultural/social setting and thus was ever actually considered and investigated
by self but have been taken for granted and accepted by self through education given
by my parents/society
I commit myself to stop allowing myself to be directed by laziness, and within
this I commit myself to when realizing things/tasks take time and effort and I see
myself resisting them I stop and breathe, I commit myself to retune to the
physical within investigating the physical practical application that needs to
be done and push myself to do it regardless of the time it might take, within
realizing that moving in the physical takes time and effort, and thus by choosing
to be lazy I am making a deliberate choice to not move within/as the physical
I commit myself to stop myself from being directed by fear of failure
through realizing that fear of failure only exist as a mind manipulation, and
thus when facing fear of failure I stop and breathe and investigate the
physical practical steps that need to be taken, and commit myself to walking
them one by one until they are done, within allowing myself to ask for help and
find support within what is here to assist me within moving the point at hand
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to want the equal money system to work but to
actually believe it will fail due to not being practical enough, within this I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as inner conflict within
myself within the construct of "I want something that is impossible" I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as this non-practical
construct and thus project the impracticality that I exist as onto the equal
money system without taking the time to actually go through all the information
in regards to the equal money system and to participate in order to assist in
making it practical within realizing that only if I and others participate to
create the equal money system will it even be created, within understanding
that it is up to myself and each one of us to make the equal money system, as
the global system in which we all live in, as a system that provides and
support all life equally, a reality
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to believe people who tell me that the equal money system will never work because it isn't in human nature to be equal and
to support each other, and that the equal life idea is only a fairy tale that
cannot be actually lived in reality, within this I forgive myself for not realizing
that these people have just heard about the equal money system through me and
haven't actually investigated it for themselves, and through me they could only
hear the limited information that I could pass on including all the fears and
doubts I still participate within, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to share my perspectives about the equal money system without
fully understanding and being a part of creating the idea and "business plan"
of it so to speak, and thus within sharing that which I am not familiar with
and not an active part of, within realizing that I am only creating an opinion
in their minds based on the partial information as opinion I am sharing with
them and that sharing particle information is not serving them nor the equal
money system, thus I commit myself to investigate the equal money system so
that I can share a full and complete perspective and encourage others as I have
set an example to actually investigate the information for themselves so that
they can have a clear perspective and not only through the limitation of what I
understood or misunderstood.
Within this I commit
myself to not believing other people doubts about the equal money system
without having investigated the information through their own eyes, and even if
they have I commit myself to stopping my participation in any doubt towards the
equal money system, instead I will investigate the topic and ask questions to clarify
the point and will participate and suggest ideas to assist in creating the
equal money system as an effective and practical system that actually supports
all life through debugging all the points needed to be debugged
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to believe the equal money system sound "too
god to be true" and within that I am allowing myself to hold on to the skepticism
as if preparing myself to the failure of the equal money system, within this I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear investing my time and energy
and hope on the equal money system and due to this fear of failure I have been
holding on to the doubt as a back door to tell myself later that "I know
it would work, I never really believed it would work" not realizing that
by accepting myself as this doubt I am in fact doubting myself and projecting
this self doubt on to the equal money system, I realize I have been using this construct in many points of my life, within the fear of failure I allow myself
to doubt myself within the belief that if I have doubted myself all along it
will make the failure less painful, not realizing that by doubting myself I am
creating the failure to begin with and thus not only will it be as painful as I
allow it to be, but also I will know that I have created it through not
trusting myself and pushing myself to do everything that is in my power to do –
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to within the fear of
failure and within allowing self doubt – to actually create the failure before
even starting
I commit myself to
stopping myself as self doubt, and whenever self doubt comes up within me to
stop myself and breathe, within realizing that self doubt is a character
created by me to manipulate me to believing that doubt will make the failure
more bearable not realizing that self-doubt the character that is preparing the
way before me to fail and thus preparing myself to give up before even starting
and thus not allowing myself to do everything that I could do thus leading to
self-judgment as abuse – within seeing all this I commit myself to stopping
self doubt and instead investigate and focus on what is practical for me to do,
not allowing the doubt to limit myself to then create the failure I fear but
rather to use the doubt as support to see what am I not doing that I could be doing
to push the point that I am walking.
I forgive myself for not
accepting and allowing myself to realize that any fear/doubt towards the equal
money system is a projection of fear/doubt I have towards self, and thus I realize
that the responsible thing to do is when I see myself doubting the equal money
system I stop and breathe and take a moment to look within myself to see what
am I doubting within myself, and at the same time what can I do that I am not
doing to clear the doubt I am holding within me and projecting it towards the
equal money system,
I commit myself to
investigating the equal money system if and when I find myself doubting it, and
to see what I can do to assist the point if I find that it is still not clear
and effective
i commit myself to building myself as self trust to be able to trust myself to be practical and effective in the world, to trust myself that i am in fact doing everything that is in my power to do to support myself as life and all as one and equal, and to stop any form of abuse within myself and within and as existence as myself, to dedicate to work towards bringing forth heaven on earth as equality for all as one, starting with myself and the money system as the system that is currently governing all that is here, and thus must be changed and to be aligned with the principle of what is best for all within equality.
Investigate of the Equal Money System
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