Showing posts with label self judgment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self judgment. Show all posts
Monday, May 13, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic
Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage
Day 194 - 21 days of self dedication – misusing the desteni process
Day 195 - 21 days of self dedication - part 5 – but I am still here
Day 196 -21 days of self dedication – part 6 - experience of isolation
Day 197 - 21 days of self dedication - self value - day 7
Day 198 - 21 days of self dedication - Self Value - self forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not taking advantage of the time I had on the farm
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project this judgment as a fear of others judging me for not being effective / accomplishing anything in the time I had here at the farm, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear meeting my family / friends when I return, in fear of being judged for how I spent / what I had done with my time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into emotional possession as an experience of fear / anxiety / worry towards meeting the people back home and facing their criticism / judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed with emotions as anxiety towards my return, instead of supporting myself in writing as to open up and see the point of self judgment being projected as the source of my emotional breakdown, and within this to apply self forgiveness in taking self responsibility to change in the points that require correction, and let go the points that are merely a mind created and false judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be effective in the time I had here at the farm, within not actually pushing myself in every moment to see / find / do something that will benefit me within self support
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instead of taking the time I had here at the farm, and making sure I use it as effective as I can, within realizing that time is only running in one direction, and that is out - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that time is not on my side from the perspective that every moment lost will never come back, and so, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to act from within this understanding that there isn't much time though there is much work to be done
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for wasting my time and the time of others here at the farm for taking the time in their day to give me all the support that I needed but I had take it for granted, expecting something to happen / change because they were supporting me, not accepting the fact that with all the support that I get, I must support myself and commit myself to myself and dedicate myself to myself in order for anything to happen / change in my world and experience / relationship of / with myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself, even here in this supportive environment, to be self honest, to communicate in self honesty, and instead I have put on an act, trying to always keep my cool, trying to always seem ok, and only when the energy build up was too much for me to handle would I uncontrollably explode with emotion - thus, not using this supportive platform effectively, in learning how to communicate to others in asking for support, and in learning how to support myself when I see so clearly that something is building up within myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and my time at the farm according to an idea of how it should have been to have been effective and supportive and within that I am not allowing myself to walk my own process here within seeing in self honesty what it had in fact been, not in relation to an idea but in simply in reality, and within seeing what actually was to learn form it, as appose to judge myself for it based to comparing myself to an idea
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see all the insights and realizations I have picked up at the time I spent in the farm, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not seeing / realizing, instead of simply leaving it as is, and within this allowing the realizations to come up from within me, and not from judgment / fear / expectation of the mind
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Sunday, May 5, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic
Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage
Day 194 - 21 days of self dedication – misusing the desteni process
Within my tendency to only see the worst I am replaying to myself all the back chat as self judgment, and within doing so I am constantly over shadowing the progress, or even not the progress, but the simple plain facts of my physical realty - and one plain fact is that I am still here - and I must support / encourage myself within realizing this, as a form of balancing out the usual self discouragement that I am used to feeding myself.
I realize there is a point of polarity here, and I am here to investigate it further, I am not satisfied as to leave things as they are, obviously, so it's not to say that for each discouraging thought I will come back with some positive reinforcement - but what I do mean, is that while I am walking the process of stopping myself within / as the pattern of self sabotage and self discouragement, I must deliberately remind myself the other side of the coin, as a temporary crutch to lean on and support myself with, as a bridge until the tendency to only see the worst is diminished.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be comfortable with assuming / expecting the worst, and thus, to "naturally" accept and participate within such thoughts of self diminishment / judgment, thus, enhancing the point which in tern leads to more judgment and so the cycle of self abuse
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself within the pattern of self diminishment and only seeing/ seeking the worst, to see the physical reality of the situation, and not only my mind projections
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the reality of the situation and myself within it, and thus deliberately only allow myself to see / express the worst, as if I do not know / recognize myself as confidant and trust worthy, and so, to remain familiar to myself I have become the manifestation of self doubt and dismissal
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I am here, and even though I participate in my mind, and do not yet effectively stop myself, and even though all the judgment and attempts of giving up - I am still here, and as long as I am here, I can stop and change
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I have been utilizing writing as self support more than ever before, and within this any comparison to an ideal or to others is just of the mind, and thus I must evaluate if the comparison is within a starting point of self honesty / support or self abuse / competition - and so, I realize that when I judge myself for not doing enough, I do not do so within a starting point of self support, but the contrary, I do so within a point of beating myself down - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beat myself down instead of finding practical livable ways to support myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself to change, but instead I would only find flaws and emphasize them, without looking for a practical livable solution - and thus doing so in self spite and not support
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that all this self judgment is pointing towards that which I know I want to be but have not yet become, and so it isn't to dismiss the self judgment as invalid, because it is pointing at a valid point , but rather to not go into and participate with the energy of it all, but instead to find the point of change within it, and the point requires forgiveness - as to use the self judgment as an indicator, as a flash light pointing at the right direction - and so, it isn't to believe the flash light holds the truth, it is rather just pointing at it.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to enjoy myself within a constant experience that I must judge myself or else I am proving myself to being shallow and ineffective, not realizing that self enjoyment should be embraced, and is not "bad" if it is done within self expression, as simply enjoying the expression of self and those around - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to enjoy myself unconditionally
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to enjoy myself within a starting point of trying to be serious about process and the world through an idea that one must express a heaviness in order to sort this world out - but, lol, why would a harsh / heavy / serious expression be more effective within any part of this process, as self investigation, writing, self forgiveness?... There is no common sense in such an idea, it is merely an idea and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to adjust my expression to fit an idea instead of building and developing self honesty, through writing and self exposure, and then to express myself as who I am and who I want to be after looking at it in awareness, and not automatically allow myself to become an idea that I have not even until now investigated and thus could not have clearly seen the ridiculesness of it all
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be here in breath, and to move and act from within this one point of me being here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that today more than before I am more aware of what I am going through within my experience / participation / acceptances, and so, I slow myself down and realize this is a process and I am walking it at my own speed - I forgive myself for judging myself according to comparison and an idea and thus, blinding myself to the fact that I am walking, not only blinding me but causing hardship, instead of embracing myself and investigating why am I going slow, check if I can go faster or become more effective and practically do something about it, rather then judging myself and dismissing all that I am doing as a form of punishment and making myself worthless in my own eyes - not realizing that this enhances the problem rather than going towards a solution.
And so, I commit myself to be more aware of what is physical, and within this, to stop myself within and as breath, when I see myself going into interpretation, especially if I see myself going into the self judgment / diminishment character as a form of trapping myself without a practical solution for change, but only remain in the mind as thinking about it
I am here, and I am walking ,and I can prefect myself and become more effective - but I can do so only within / as self support, and not through self abuse - within this, I commit myself to practice being more self discipline, to making a schedule and re-fixing / editing it as I move along to keep it up-to-date with my current activities, within this, I commit myself to if I do not stay up to speed with my assignments to adjust myself and investigate what/why is going on - I commit myself to breath, to be here, to return to myself as the physical
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Thursday, May 2, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
I've realized today, once again, that my life is like being stuck on a marry-go-round, where I go up and down and there is somewhat of an experience that things are happening, but I am actually doing the same thing, living out the same patterns, the same characters over and over and over… existing within an illusion that I am living, not even realizing that I have been on the same ride going round and round… I know there is life beyond this ride, and I know I have the power to get off the ride and start living, but I guess it's easier said then done - only through actual self investigation in self honesty will I be able to set myself free, I must ask myself the most intimate, hardest questions within the starting point of actually wanting to sort myself out, and to answer myself in harsh self honesty - I must also realize what questions I must ask myself? And not accept the automated "but I don't know" as an answer.
Since I became aware of the desteni process I've become aware of such points - that we are all accepting ourselves as patterns of the mind and not actually living as self expression as who we are, that we have all lost ourselves to such an extent that we do not know why we do what we do, we do not even know what we are feeling let alone what was the process of creation as we created these feelings within / as ourselves, as we were an active part of creating them, every step of the way, yet, conveniently we have allowed ourselves to forget the process and trap ourselves in the realm of consequence, thus existing as the victim of reality instead of realizing ourselves as the creation - whereas the victim is powerless and cannot do much to change while the creator has all the power to change everything yet requires the intention to do so - it's been 4 years now, that I know this, and even though I know this to be true, and am frustrated by it, I have not yet moved myself to do anything about it, I prefer believing myself as the helpless victim rather than taking self responsibility and living as the creator - because living as the creator has one of two options - to face myself as a creator that doesn’t care about anything, and live with myself as such, or get off my ass and take responsibility for my creation, and correct / change / perfect myself to be a creation that I proudly stand by - when thinking about why the hell am I not doing everything in my power to prefect myself, to change myself into becoming a being of self worth as I know that by changing myself I can become, the only answer I come up with is that I really don't care enough about myself, nor life, nor anyone really nor anything - up until now I obviously did care about anything in life, because if I would have, wouldn't I get my ass into gear by now, and do something about this fuck up of a life?
This isn't easy to admit, who wants to admit that they don't care about themselves, nor anything and anyone in their world?... All I really ever cared about is surviving, and since I was born into a financially comfortable situation, the only survival I had to consider was social survival - which if investigated a bit, I always experienced myself within social fear and sense of exclusion in everything I did, so I surrounded myself with many friends, from kindergarten age, some friends I liked more than others, some I used just for the company, but I would have never admitted to it - it's like all friendship was, was a joining of two lonely people that if they were together they wouldn't have to face the fact that they are living in a state of constant loneliness and a sense of exclusion - and then, after some time of practicing this social thing, the loneliness was suppressed and forgotten and was replaced with a plastic sense of belonging, only to came back up and rear it's head as fear, whenever events could be interpreted as a social problem, if they implied that something may change and the experience of loneliness / exclusion / rejection may return.
It wasn't all like that, as a very young child there was a point of pure enjoyment, like an actual physical enjoyment, playing together and laughing, but here, I am more referring to the time where "politics" / self interest / manipulation came into friendships, when it wasn't about the "just being here and enjoying ourselves and each other" but when it became, you know, girly and gossipy, proving to each other our friendship with gestures of loyalty, usually at someone's expense, and so on… when it became something you need to maintain and work on and not just enjoy.
Anyway, infesting this is coming up now, I am leaving the farm soon and I haven't addressed this point effectively in writing, I actually haven’t really addressed any point effectively in writing, I have just hardly scraped the surface, which is the main point of not committing myself and just letting myself go through the same shit over and over instead of dedicating myself to myself to sort myself out - always back to the same point.
So, here I am , in a process of learning to support myself, ashamed of myself for taking so long to get off my ass to make the first step in caring for myself, in trying to change myself and become a person that I want to care for, that I honor and respect, and doubting whether I can even make it and change myself - though, this self doubt is also just one of those characters on my marry-go-round, a character that I have allowed to direct me and infiltrate almost everything I do - self doubt is a tricky bastard, because it presents itself as naïve and innocent - "I am not saying that I can't do it, I just doubt that I can", like preparing the way of failure indirectly, "just in case I fall, let me make sure there is a safety net" - not realizing that instead of focusing on that which I am doing I am placing my attention on failure, and preparing my fall, thus distracting myself and actually sabotaging myself.
When I'm asked how I am doing, I answer with like a form of apology, allowing room to this self doubt character to sneak in, as if I cannot afford to say that "I'm working on it, it's going well, and I am improving, I will continue working on it until I am satisfied" - instead I will say something like "ya, it's ok, getting better, but there is still a long way to go, I'm moving very slow, and it's not as good as I would want it to be by now, but it's improving, so it's ok" - expressing and emphasizing the half empty cup, rather then simply saying it as it is, god forbid I let go this experience of inadequacy and actually take charge of myself and move into the "right" direction, the "right" direction being that which I choose it to be in self honesty.
Only now I see this, lol, I am a pessimistic… I expect the worst I anticipate the worst and I prepare for the worst, that is why I live and exist in constant fear… keeping expectations low, because what if I actually believe in myself and dedicate myself to a point, and actually invest myself in something - and fail - what will happen to me then? Well, the way I am acting it seems like I would die and dissipate into a million non existing pieces of nothing - but reality isn't so dramatic, I think - and so, I have been living as a pessimistic, not realizing that I am creating myself and my world according to who I allow myself to be, as my reality will only reflect me back to myself, and so, it isn't about changing the reality to be good and nice and then to prove my pessimism wrong, which is what I have been trying to do, as I have gone to the positive / feel good / optimistic fantasy land, which is as far from reality as being pessimistic, probably ever farther… it is, as always, about changing myself, as who I am in my relationship to myself, my world and my reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a pessimistic, within believing that I will not be disappointed if I prepare myself to fall, not realizing that by preparing myself to fall I am actually sabotaging myself and manifesting the failure instead of being here in breath and walking practically towards the point I have seen as fit to walk, and dedicating myself practically and fearlessly.
When and as I see myself expressing myself in pessimism, I stop myself and breathe, I direct myself to slow myself down, and evaluate what am I about to say, making sure that I am not participating in the pessimistic character as a means to prepare myself for a fall, and in doing so accepting a fall as inevitable - within this, I commit myself to when and as I see that my tonality or choice of words are pessimistic I stop and breathe and speak in simplistically and clarity, making sure that what I am saying is not contaminated with judgment or fear, but is a reflection of the physical reality as it is.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself pessimistically I stop myself and breathe, I direct myself to speak in stability and express what is actually here, without expectation and fear of failure.
I forgive myself for participating in the polarity of pessimism as seeing the worst and then to cover it up with a fake optimism, not realizing that investigating the point of pessimism allows me insight into myself as it exposes my fears - and so, when and as I see myself expressing / experiencing myself as pessimistic, I stop myself and breathe, and realize this I a gift of self realization if I only see it as such, and not allow myself to suppress it with either fear of positivity but to allow myself to through the pessimism, see reality and myself as is, not more nor less, not better nor worse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more comfortable within expressing myself in self judgment, not realizing that I am harming myself as I am constantly doing so, as what starts with self judgment as a means to remain pessimistic, as to make sure there is something wrong with the picture, ends as an actual self expression as self judgment had become the expression of self, due to my acceptance and participation within it. And so, I commit myself to slow myself down in breath and become more aware and notice my self expression as self judgment, and to stop myself with breath, to come to a halt, when I see myself judging myself for the sake of being negative.
FYI - one of my difficulties in this process, is that every point that opens up is huge, and takes many writings to go through - see here, the self doubt coming up "I can't do it, it's too much for me" - I breathe, and do not allow this chain of thought - and practically, I have proven to myself that consistency is the secret of accumulation, and accumulation is the secret of process - and so, even though a point seems huge, I know that if I take it on bit by bit by bit, I will cover it - and walking one step at a time, is always possible - so I know that all these useless thoughts of "ho shit, this is big" are just distracting / sabotaging me from walking this and any other point - no more - I must do this - and here I am, doing it - one step at a time.
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Tuesday, March 19, 2013
this is a continuation of my previous blog:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
a must hear - Why do we not access our full potential? Why do we hold ourselves back?:
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to push myself, as to actually put in the effort, dedication and commitment to push myself, to motivate myself, to move myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to find my "inner force" of which to push myself from, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in separation from my "inner force" as within a belief that there is a force separate from me, that I must find within myself and use, instead of realizing myself as one and equal with the force as myself, and thus realize that it isn't a separate force that must be found within myself but rather it is I that I mist find within self honesty, and within realizing myself as who I am and what I have become, to from knowing myself become the strength of me as me, not in separation, but as the living expression as me.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to push myself beyond my comfort zone, to push myself through the resistance, and within this allowing the force of the mind, as resistance to movement, to direct and control me, to force me into stagnation, not realizing that the force of the mind is in fact using my force as myself as my physical body, and thus, it's the greatest self manipulation / deception, as I am avoiding using my force on the one hand, and on the other hand my force is being used against me as my mind as resistance as myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that in every moment of every breath I am in fact making a choice, I am either directing myself or allowing myself to be directed by the mind as following my feelings / emotions / thoughts / beliefs / fears / resistances and so on, and within allowing myself to be directed and controlled by the mind, as the choice I make in each moment, I am allowing myself to exist in consequences where I, and others, pay the price for my actions and words
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am not changing because it is time for action yet I am not taking action, and thus I am allowing myself to exist in inner conflict as I know what I must do yet I don't allow myself to do it as practical physical application, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, when opportunity presents itself, as an opportunity I can walk out of my pattern as giving up / procrastination / self judgment and so on, instead of standing up within myself, I allow myself to give up once again, knowing in full awareness that I am harming myself, knowing in full awareness that I am going against myself, yet I do not stand and do not walk the practical application
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately give myself excuses and justifications and reasons and distractions as to not do that which I know I must do, to not dedicate in practicality to that which I know I must dedicate myself to - and thus, with every moment of every day I am allowing myself to drift further away from myself as myself in self honesty, as I grow the gap between myself as who I am and myself as who I want to become as self expression of self honesty and self responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself deliberately as I see an opportunity of change and don't take it, and as I see it pass by me I take into consideration and calculate the price I will pay as self judgment, though I do not allow myself to see the entire picture, and so I am blinded by self interest within making the short term calculation of "oh, then I will not apply myself now and will experience some self judgment, I can take it" not seeing that it's not all about how I will experience myself for a few moments, because every moment that I allow myself to be directed by the mind I weaken myself as life, I abuse myself as life, I disregard myself as life, and thus I allow within my acceptance for all to participate in such construct, as I give my permission through my example of disregarding / abusing / weakening life itself - and so, I make my decision based on short sighted self interest, not allowing myself to see and realize the actual consequences of my participation within giving up as self diminishment - not even seeing the actual harm and abuse I am causing myself, never mind any body else - and so I make this decision blinded, within ignorance is bliss, but within myself in self honesty I know I must stand up for life as myself, though I am too careless to care enough about myself or anyone in existence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, over the years, program myself to such an extent of enslavement to the mind, as to not care about myself or anything / anyone in existence, to not care for life, and so, I exist only within self interest of the mind, pretending to care, pretending to be good, when I do not even allow myself to do the one most basic thing as to care for myself, to look after myself in self respect self honor and self dignity, within living as an example of self responsibility in self honesty - where, as long as I can't live as self expression of self care / honor / respect, how can I ever believe myself to be anything but self interest and pure evil - just as a mother that will not care or her children, abuse them and disregard their life - as that mother towards her child - I am towards myself - and it is equally unacceptable and a reflection of the evil ways of self interest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come to this conclusion time and time again, yet, when the point is here for me to stand up for myself, to stand up and support myself through self corrective application, as to write myself out, to self investigate any reaction that come up within me, to forgive myself and correct myself in breath - when these opportunities arrive, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to direct myself to walk these points, but instead to ignore them as myself time and time again, not realizing that I am deeming myself into a time lop, as the point will be walked sooner or later, and thus, every time I miss the opportunity I am simply delaying the next point to open up, while inviting this one to open up with greater force
I realize I have been avoiding looking at the specifics of this point, as opening up the dimensions as the actual back chat, thoughts, imaginations, connection, definitions, fears - all points as the specific mind components that have been building up this point of giving up, as not applying myself, as self sabotaging my process, and so, I commit myself to walk this point through in all it's dimensions, because I realize that without seeing all the small details of this point I will not be able to free myself from it.
To be continued
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Sunday, February 3, 2013
This is continuing my previous blogs
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Day 148 - Inadequacy - Reading difficulties
Day 149 - Inadequacy – Self Created Reading Difficulties
Day 150 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food
Day 151 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food – Part 2 - Preparing Wraps
Day 152 - Inadequacy – Preparing Food – Part 3 – Farm Chicken
Day 153 - Inadequacy – Creativity – Part 1
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within my expression based on the self belief that I am not creative.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my expression as bad / inadequate and thus within the self judgment to believe that I am not creative and am incapable of creativity
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define creativity to a very narrow range of expressions, and within not seeing myself as good at any of these expressions, such as drawing, painting, writing, sculpting, I have defined myself as not creative, and within this have limited myself from expressing myself in any form of what I define as creative
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, within believing that I'm not creative, to avoid from expressing myself in any way that I've defined as creative within fear of judgment, as I knew within myself, as a future projection, that I would be judged and thus I never allowed myself to try and express myself unconditionally
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that creativity as self expression is not defined as right and wrong, and thus cannot be judged, and that any form of judgment is based on the construct of the social system we exist within as a reflection of our society and ourselves as the mind, but it, the judgment, isn't in fact real, because creative self expression is not limited to how or what society has defined as creative, it is in fact any thing we do in self expression, as in self expression we are creating something new based on who and what we are in this very moment, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within my self expression because I wanted to fit into what society has defined as creative, and thus, within knowing that my expression doesn't fit this definition I have made the decision to suppress myself and never expose any thing that could be seen as creative, thus not allowing myself to express myself unconditionally within simply enjoying myself within my self expression.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define creativity according to a starting point of judgment, instead of realizing that creativity is derived from creation, and thus any thing that one does if done from a starting point of self expression is creative, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my self expression due to the narrow definition I have given creativity, within allowing myself to be directed and controlled by fear of judgment, within defining myself on a polarity scale of good and bad, better and worse, and thus, within defining creativity as good / bad, I have judged and defined my own self expression as what I do as creativity on the "bad" scale, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and see that I have created this chain of events as I have unquestionably accepted societies definition of creativity, along with the judgments I have placed on creativity as good or bad, I have accepted the judgments as truth and defined myself accordingly within believing I am not capable of "good" creativity and thus limited myself and have not allowed myself to express myself within anything I have defined as creative due to accepting and believing the future projection of failing, being bad, and being judged for it, to direct and control and restrict and limit me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others and within doing so to define myself as inadequate, instead of seeing what I can learn from them within a process of expansion within equality, and thus asking them to show me and help me improve my skill instead of deeming myself to believe I am less than and can never live up to their level of talent, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the easy way out, as I have allowed myself to compare myself and defined myself as less than but have not allowed myself to push myself to improve and expand within putting in the effort and actually moving myself as self support to expand beyond my current limits thus accepting my own limitations and then whining about it within my back chat and internal conversations because I truly believed myself to be less than and inadequate, instead of seeing that I have not even tried, and only within trying will I know what I can or can’t do, what I am more naturally inclined to do, and what I enjoy doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support this self belief through comparing myself to others that I see as more creative than me and then, within comparison I am less than, and thus believe I am incapable of ever being at "their" level of creativity, which is a self sabotaging belief as it causes me to back off from life, as I allow it to direct me to not express myself, not put myself out there and basically exist in self suppression because I have created a self belief that my self expression is not worth expressing, based on fear of judgment as I have allowed myself to be directed by fear of judgment, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within cautious and fear instead of allowing myself to live freely as myself as self expression within and as breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the self belief of inadequacy in regards to creativity and to project it onto all aspects of my life, as I have used it to prove myself as inadequate as the general personality / character of myself, as I've used it as another proof that I am worthless, instead of seeing it as it is, as some people are more inclined to do some things and some things may come easier to some people – I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that it only seen as worthless in a world where competition is the only value and that the only thing that is worthy is only “the best”, within a scale of judgment that is accepted in that world within society as we know and accept it - but I haven't consider and allowed myself to see that such a world is a world not worth living in, as it doesn't support all expressions and all beings equally - I would rather live in a world where expression is not judged as better or worse by a specific scale that is changeable as it doesn't really define what is real, and instead create a world that supports all expressions within the principle of equality and oneness, as all expressions when coming from a starting point of self, are equally valid, and equally contributing to our world - we can never know where the next cool idea will come from, we can never know where the next breakthrough or fundamental solution will be found - thus, by limiting ourselves within our self expression due to judgments and competition, we are restricting and preventing many opportunities of growth for all of us as humanity, and for the individual that is existing in suppression and fear of judgment.
This isn't the world I want to live in, yet I have been allowing myself to participate in the very construct that creates it the way it is - thus, I stop. I commit myself to walk through my accepted self judgment through writing, self forgiveness and corrective statements, I commit myself to investigate all points of self judgment and the suppression I have allowed within/through it, I commit myself to explore myself within self expression, and when I see a point of resistance within fear I commit myself to investigate the point and correct myself within and as the physical. I commit myself to stop myself within and as breath when I see myself going into judgment towards other people's expression as I realize that by judging them I am creating a fear within myself towards being judged, as well as I am not living the principle of give as you would like to receive, thus I commit myself to investigate all point I judge other people's expression and within a process of bringing it back to myself, to see the point in clarity and correct myself within it, as I change myself in alignment as what is best for all
I commit myself to give myself some time during the week and explore myself within sketching as a point of self support, as sketching within and as breath, within directing myself to learn to enjoy myself within it and to stop the judgment that come up towards what I do, I realize that I'm not doing this to achieve a "pretty" result, but instead from a starting point of letting go the self judgment and allowing myself to simply utilize another form of self expression as a point of self expansion as self support
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Saturday, February 2, 2013
This is continuing my previous blogs
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Day 148 - Inadequacy - Reading difficulties
Day 149 - Inadequacy – Self Created Reading Difficulties
Day 150 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food
Day 151 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food – Part 2 - Preparing Wraps
Day 152 - Inadequacy – Preparing Food – Part 3 – Farm Chicken
Since I was a child I "knew" about myself that I'm not creative, not talented in the arts and crafts. My sister was, my best friends were, and I wasn't.
I remember drawing in class at school, and always feeling frustrated when I would compare my stick like images to my friend's realistic and accurate drawings, it has always been an accepted joke between us friends, mocking me for drawing these round faces and stick like figures, all very symmetrical, no creativity whatsoever. Back home it was the same, my sister never made fun of me but she could draw and doodle so nicely, she would paint on the walls of her room and I was always jealous of her talent, comparing myself to her and knowing within myself that I could never do anything as pretty as that.
The lack of talent I saw myself as, included not liking my hand writing, and of course I compared myself to my sister and my friends, which had such nice and "girly" hand writing where as I had messy and unclear hand writing, like a boy's. So basically any form of artistic / creative expression using my hands as tools I would judge as less than those around me, and condemned myself to believe I am inadequate.
Years have gone by since that drawing class memory or since my sister doodled on her walls, though I still held on to this self belief of being inadequate when it comes to creativity within any form of artistic self expression through using my hands, as drawing, writing, painting, sculpting - anything that I had packed up in the definition of creativity -it didn't include crafts that I didn't define as creative such as sawing or hammering or cutting, with such crafts / skills I didn't have that self believed inadequacy, it was very specific to anything I defined as creative and girly. It's like I've taken anything that I define as creative / artistic and girly, put it in a locked box, and threw away the key - truly believing that I don't have any access to such expressions.
A few years ago I decided to walk through this self belief because I saw everybody around me enjoying themselves through self expression creativity such as drawing - it looked fun when other people were doing it and I saw that I was limiting myself based on self judgment and that I actually never really gave it a real chance, so I went to a 6 meeting sketch class to learn the basic skill and maybe allow myself to open up to the point - I just wanted to learn to enjoy myself through drawing, I didn't want or expect to be any good at it, I just wanted to be free of this self judgment that has been preventing me from enjoying myself through drawing .
During the class I still participated in lots of self judgment based in comparison and competition, but there were moments, when I let it go and just allowed myself to sketch, and I remember this one time I was sketching a pine cone and it suddenly popped out from the paper and came to life, it was so awesome, I couldn't believe it - I had done it, I broke the "I can't draw to save my life" character, as I have finally proved it wrong.
A few weeks later I drew my "master piece"- I copied a photograph of a child's face from a book, and when I was done and put down the pencil, I couldn't believe I drew it, I put it on my wall and stared at it, I could have easily convinced myself that a spirit came through me and drew it, because "I could never have done something so nice" - I realize that even though I broke the character, I actually didn't - being able to draw was so out of character for me, that I couldn't take it in as myself, I experienced it like an inner conflict between my self belief and this picture hanging on my wall - of course I don't believe some spirit drew it through me, and I realize it was in fact me who made that sketch, but the experience was of disbelief, like a form of shock, I couldn't really accept that I did that, within it I also experience a form of doubt as to whether I could ever repeat it again. I did try drawing since then, but didn't give myself the time to do it properly and then I just lost interest - I think there was / is a fear within me that I end up proving to myself over and over that my self belief was wrong, that I am not inadequate - I wasn't ready to let go of this point of inadequacy, so I didn't continue drawing and kept on to the belief that I can't.
In the last 10 years I've had some experience with working with children, and even though generally speaking I am confidence in working with them, when it comes to creativity the experience of inadequacy still takes me over, and I sabotage myself through not creating the posters / signs / activities within the justification that I am incapable of doing them properly, if any task requires any level of creativity I still, to this day, allow the experience and self belief of inadequacy to direct and control me and I do anything to avoid doing it. "I don't want to do it", because I still "know" it will turn out bad, I am left frustrated that doing such tasks is a part of the job - I still compare myself to others that creativity comes easily to them, I then project the comparison and experience of inadequacy onto the entire job, and compound it into believing that I am not fit to work with children because I am not creative enough.
I will continue with self forgiveness tomorrow
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Wednesday, January 30, 2013
this is continuing my previous blogs
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Day 148 - Inadequacy - Reading difficulties
Day 149 - Inadequacy – Self Created Reading Difficulties
Day 150 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food
Yesterday I wrote a blog about my cooking day, which I spent most of it in my mind in worry and stress, today I will dive into the specifics to support myself in seeing the actual minute points I had participated in, to make sure I can stand in breath next time I face such points - i start with the section of the day that i was preparing wraps
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy the flour within a starting point of wanting the flour to be more special than just regular whole wheat flour, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy something without doing the research as to be sure I know what it is that I'm buying, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purchase a product within the starting point of an energetic experience as the desire / excitement of it being special, within this I realize when I approach anything within energy I am paving the way towards consequences, as I have created an energetic attachment towards the product and thus experience myself as if I have something to lose if / when it turns out to be not to my satisfaction, as a pose to purchasing a product within the clear starting point of practicality and thus not opening the door to unnecessary attachment and energy within finding out that the product is not exactly what I had wanted / expected it to be
When and as I purchase any product I make sure to investigate it as to know practically what it is that I am buying, within this I realize that any purchase done within energy, as excitement or desire to be special, is unnecessary and done as self sabotage as it prepares the way towards stress / expectation / disappointment, within this, when and as I see myself making a purchase within energy, I stop myself and breathe, I consider the practical points and make an informed decision within breath as stability and not allowing myself to be directed by energy as excitement and / or desire to be special, thus, I commit myself to consider the practicality of the product, the price, the quality, and not feed in to any desire that might come up within it - when and as I see a desire / excitement come up, I stop myself and breathe, I let go the energetic attachment towards the product and see it as it as within it's simple practicality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, when making the wraps, within discovering that the flour is not what I thought it was and is not as suitable for wraps, to go into an experience of self bullying as was giving myself a hard time for making a mistake and buying the unsuitable flour, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hard on myself as a form of self punishment, instead of simply learning from it as to make sure that next time I don't buy something just because it seams more special, but rather do the research and buy something that is suitable for the meal
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, within making wraps, to go into worst case scenario, as projecting / imagining that the wraps will be a flop because of the wrong flour that I got, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within this experience of anticipating the worst case scenario instead of simply being here in breath and doing what I can do in the moment, here, with what I have, within committing myself to learn for the next time how to improve, correct and prefect myself whether or not my expectations were met or not, regardless of the outcome I can always investigate myself within the point and learn from it - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in a state of expecting the worst instead of walking breath by breath in self trust and facing whatever comes along when it actually comes, I realize future projections and expecting the worst are unnecessary, as I realize that by expecting the worst I am allowing myself to exist in an energetic experience that possesses me as it compounds more and more as long as I participate with it, and then whatever the outcome may be I am depleted and exhausted due to have given myself away to the energy of the mind and thus I feel like crap, instead of remaining stable in breath and facing what comes, when it comes, in self trust, self directiveness and stability within breath.
When and as I realize I have made a mistake, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to go into projections of worst case scenarios, I do not allow myself to blame myself as a form of self punishment as I'm giving myself a hard time for making a mistake, instead I work with what is here and make the best for it within committing myself to learning from my mistake for the next time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stress out because I have given value to the meal I was preparing as I was making it within the energetic desire of wanting to please everyone, I wanted them to enjoy the meal, I wanted to get a "tap on my back" as everyone enjoys what I had made for them, and thus, within this desire I have allowed myself to stress about the meal within fear as "what if something goes wrong" instead of allowing myself to enjoy myself within the process as I prepare the meal and simple walk breath by breath, no energetic expectation / desires, as I realize these desires all present themselves as "I'm a good and caring person" but in fact they are all self interest from the perspective of the desire to please and being seen as good and receiving positive reinforcement, thus, when and as I'm preparing a big meal and see myself going into energy as desire to please and expectations of myself to serve a high standard, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here, I commit myself to simply make the food, breath by breath, to the best of my ability within using and working with what is here, and not allowing myself to fall into energy as I have proven to myself that when going into energy I am depleting myself from my power, I am giving myself away, I am not here in the moment but am busy in my mind in energy as desire / expectation / stress / worry, I realize there is no practical point for doing so, but the contrary, I realize it is self abusing self sabotaging and distracting, along with, as I allow myself to experience myself in this energy all I see is my goal, thus I separate myself from everything and everyone and thus create unnecessary friction and conflict as I move through out my day in energy.
Thus, within preparing a meal for others, when and as I see myself going into energy of pleasing / expectation / worry / stress, as trying to make the meal for "their" enjoinment, I stop myself and breathe, I remind myself that the energy is always hidden self interest and never for the best interest of the group nor myself really, and within that I realize that any stress / worry / expectation / desire is showing me that I am in fact preparing myself for a failure within existing I fear and self doubt, experienced as fear of judgment / criticism / failure, and thus, I commit myself to when seeing myself going into fear of judgment / criticism / failure as I am preparing a meal for others within the starting point as expectation and desire to please, I stop myself and breathe, I focus on the physical reality, I focus on my physical body, I focus on the practical steps I must take, I focus on the practicality of my responsibility - in this case to feed every body properly - I realize that the energy I am participating in, as the desire to please others, is not a practical nor necessary part of the equation, and thus should and must be let go of, as to prevent the outflow of such energy as I experienced the other day as stress, worry, inner friction and conflict that cause external friction and conflict. Within this I realize that all the steps I took to prepare the meal could have been done without energy, and I could have actually enjoyed myself through out the day as I prepare this meal, instead of existing in my mind as energy and missing out on all the fun of making dinner.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, within believing that I had had made a mistake, to judge myself and blame myself for fucking up, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view myself through tunnel vision, as a very narrow perspective of myself and my actions - I realize that within blaming myself for my mistake I am blinding myself to the practical steps I have been physically taking and thus, not actually seeing me for who I am in my totality through how I am walking this point, but only focus on what I have done wrong, as I magnify it and believe it to be all of myself. I realize self blame is abusive and un just from perspective that it allows me to hate myself instead of support myself in seeing all aspects of myself as what I must maintain and expand on and what of myself must be change and corrected, not as a point of right and wrong as a polarity, but simply allowing myself to see who I really am, to change what must be changed as it is self sabotaging, self abusive and counter productive, and to keep that which is good, effective, practical and supportive - in other words to see myself for who I really am, to give myself credit for where I've been practical and effective.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience resistance towards writing about myself that I have done things in practicality and effectiveness, as to see that I have done something "right", I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and truly accept / believe myself as the character of a inadequate / failure to such an extent that it's uncomfortable for me to recognize aspects about myself that I am actually improving in or good / effective at, or to acknowledge simple tasks that I am doing correctly - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to tap myself on my own back, to give myself credit, to respect, to honor and to value myself, and thus I exist within the desire of being validated by others, as I believe / experience myself as I require the respect, value and honor of others as I have not allowed myself to give it to myself - I forgive myself for even now as I am writing this there is an experience within me of "not wanting to make a big deal out of what I did right, because it's so simple and can / should be disregarded" - within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only focus on what I'm doing wrong in self hatred instead of also seeing that which I'm improving in, and changing within - I hadn't realized how deep this point goes, as I have created and accepted myself as the character of failure / inadequacy to such an extent that it's hard for me to say that I'm not all bad.
I commit myself to take notice throughout my day of things I am good at, to acknowledge aspects of myself that I want to maintain and expand within, as well as aspects of myself I would like to correct and improve, I commit myself to see myself in my totality and not focus only on the bad / defective / inferior / inadequate aspects of myself, but instead to make an effort and realize myself as who I really am, and not be content with the narrow, tunnel version of myself, fed to me by my mind and accepted as myself in self diminishment.
When and as I see myself going into self blame / judgment as believing I am only wrong, that all I do is wrong, I stop myself from participating in the mind as back chat / thoughts / self judgment / emotions, and breathe, I realize that this is a narrow view, looking through a tunnel while hiding from myself the totality of myself and painting a "dark" picture from a starting point of creating energy as inner friction / conflict, thus, I commit myself, when I see myself going into self blame / judgment, to within breath, investigate in self honesty what are the mistakes that I have mis-taken that need be learnt from and corrected, and what are the points within which I was effective, directive and supportive, points that need be learnt from in order to maintain and expand within, I commit myself to do so as a practical process of evaluating where I can learn from my mistakes as to turn them into gifts of self expansion
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Wednesday, January 9, 2013
This is a continuation from my previous blogs:
Day 129 – Self Judgment – Part 1
Day 130 - Self judgment - Part 2 – Appearance
Day 131 - Self judgment - Part 3 – Appearance - Part 2
Day 132 - Self judgment - Part 4 - Appearance - Part 3
Day 133 - Self judgment - Part 5 – Designing myself as the appearance construct
Day 134 - Self Judgment - Part 6 – Appearance
I realize that when someone is being complemented on their appearance it isn't about me nor related to me and thus doesn't actually concern me - thus taking it personally and making any interpretations in regards myself is out of context, based on an illusion created only in my mind, as it has nothing to do with the actual physical reality of the situation, I realize that reacting to any complement given to another and taking it personally is reflecting my own self judgment towards my appearance and nothing else as what others may or may not think about me, within this I realize that any reaction as thoughts / back chat / energetic experience coming up within me, as comparison / spitefulness / judgment /competition / insult are not reflecting what others think of me but only reflecting and showing me what I think/believe about myself, within this I see that allowing these thoughts of self judgment as interpretations to others being complimented are self abusive, as within them I justify my self judgment and "bring myself down" as to experience the negative energy associated with self judgment. Within this I see that whenever I react to someone being complemented is an opportunity for me to see that I am still not clear and that the point of self acceptance is still not lived by me as myself, thus any point of reaction is thus a gift if I accept it as such and allow myself to investigate, forgive, and correct the points as they come up within my life, exposing to me the acceptances and allowances I have been living within/as in order for me to stand up and take self responsibility within the starting point of correcting myself to stop the self abuse and support myself as life, to support myself as I would support a child and to stop accepting the self abuse as I would not allow a child to be abused - thus, I commit myself to stop myself within and as breath when and as I see myself reacting to someone else being complemented or positively reinforced in any way, and specifically in regards to appearance, I commit myself to stop myself in breath and investigate and forgive the specific point that had emerged within the situation and revealed by my reaction, I commit myself to take on this point of self judgment in regards to appearance until it has no directive power over me, until I can stand stable in the face of any comment whether directed towards me or another, and not react within the mind as energy but direct myself within the principle of supporting myself in every breath and all within the situation as myself I realize that when I participate with thoughts as a form of comparison within self judgment in regards to appearance I am diminishing myself as the beingness that I am, and give my power away within accepting and allowing myself to believe my mind within the idea that there is an ideal way to look and that all must strive to look like that, within this I see that I have conditioned myself to desire to look as the ideal beauty image I have accepted within the accepted idea/belief that I have no right not to desire it, as if all should want to look like that - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as the appearance of my physical body as part of fulfilling my social duties in a way, within the desire / dependency to be accepted in society, as if I am suppose to judge myself because I don't look like the ideal, and I have thus allowed myself to consistently judge myself within a fear that if I don't I will be mocked, as if it is expected for someone that doesn't look like the ideal to at least judge themselves, as if to say "realize you don't look like the ideal you should want to look like, and judge yourself for not looking like it to prove that you understand that that's how you should look" - I realize within this that self judgment is a tool used to not change, as a form of justification, as a way of saying I accept my situation as my appearance but cannot do a thing about it so I will at the very least judge myself as to prove to society that I condemn myself as my appearance as to receive the approval of society, as a way to belong as one with society within sharing the point of judgment - thus equalizing myself to the point of judgment within accepting that all should strive to look in a specific way, and if they don't it is legitimate to judge them, as that is what society does, and thus it is expected that they judge themselves as well, and thus if they cannot fit in to society through looking in the ideal way, they can at least fit in with sharing society's judgment - I realize that I have been treating myself as a bully within the desire to fit in to society and accepting society's demands in regards to appearance, and thus I have been bullying myself within self judgment as if to say "hey society, look, I'm not standing as the ideal beauty image, but I accept it, and thus I will follow your demands and serve society's interest in condemning anyone that doesn't stand as that ideal, including myself, within this I have not allowed myself to question whether what I perceive as society's demands as the idea appearance is valid and worth "fighting for" and standing one and equal as - it is clear that it is not valid as it allows exclusion to all that do not fit the model and allows abuse as judgment towards those who do not fit the model, and thus disregards life as equal, and places conditions in order to be seen as worthy, instead of recognizing that all are equal as life, and all are equally worthy, and that the only thing that actually defines us is who we are within our acceptances and allowances, as the beingness that we allow ourselves to be - within this I commit myself to stop and breathe and not participate with society's demands without questioning them, as to make sure that I do not participate with the abuse that society allows and promotes as for instance exclusion, judgment and bullying. I commit myself to let go the ideal I have accepted and have lived by within judging myself for not looking like it and build myself a new within self trust as to trust myself that I will not bully myself within self judgment to justify to myself not looking like an ideal that is un real, as it is an idea, a concept of an era, an accepted opinion and not alive as the physical, and cannot be lived by all, and thus cannot be something to live by or be directed towards.
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