Day 104 - Nature reflecting my assertiveness

I've been walking with the horses here on the desteni farm, and when I just started I experienced a fear of horses, since then I've become much more comfortable with them and really enjoy working with them.

What's interesting about working with horses is that they are a mirror to self, what this means is that they adjust themselves according to the person that is working with them, and will show them their weaknesses through "taking advantage" of their weak points of application, thus allow the person working with them to face themselves as their points of weakness - this is what happened to me today.

I've been walking Fat (he's a big horse) in the past few weeks, and have been learning learn a lot about how to direct him, he is a very well trained horse so it's been quite easy, but even though he is trained and knows exactly what he needs to do, he still will mirror me and perform according to how effective I am with him, thus, if I am exhibiting a specific pattern, he will tap on to it and act accordingly to expose it to me.

So he started with walking too close to me, and I allowed it, then he started to cut corners too close to me, and walk faster than me, and then he stepped on my foot, twice. I have not been affective in setting his boundaries, well actually, setting my boundaries as a wall between us that he should not pass, so essentially I have been allowing him to walk all over me and he, as my mirror, has been doing exactly that, thus allowing me to see that I have not been effective, have not been clear and direct, have not been consistent and basically have being expressing myself as a wimp.

How I experience myself, as I walk him, and want him to do something, is like a form of shyness, I don't feel comfortable being clear and direct, I don't feel comfortable with making big hand movements, I don't feel comfortable with making extreme gesture, I've been expressing myself as weak, like I'm asking him to please, and just if he's ok with it, do me a favor by slowing down or not stepping on me, I've not been allowing myself to be assertive, yes, this is the word I've been looking for - Assertiveness.

I see there is a polarity within myself as I have connected being assertive to being aggressive and within defining myself as a "nice person" I have been resisting assertiveness, not allowing myself to express myself with assertiveness. So, what I've been doing is that I try to get him to do what I ask, but I'm trying to be nice about it, because I don't want to be aggressive, within this there is a fear of hurting him, or even worse, a fear that I make a mistake and piss him off, and have him attack me or something of that sort. Within this I see that I haven't realized that assertiveness isn't aggressiveness, and that by trying to "be nice" I've not been clear in my expression towards him, not allowing myself to let go the "nice" point and simply be here and effectively direct the horse.

When I spoke about it to the person that works with him regularly and knows him, and horses in general quite well, she explained to me the mirroring behavior of the horses and showed me the specific points I must work on and emphasize as I walk with him. As we were discussing my application with Fat, I saw that I've been participating within the "submissive character" as a character that allows oneself to be abused, as I've been allowing him to "push me around" and even hurt me as he allowed himself to step on my foot, twice, which was the consequence of me not standing within assertiveness within holding my boundaries and being clear and direct.

Now I see the point a bit more clearly, it's not so much about being submissive, although it is a dimension within myself and a character I participate within, I find that the more dominant point is my resistance to being assertive, and the submissive character is an outflow of that.

So I'm grateful for working with the horses, as assertiveness has been a resistance for me through out my life, so it's really cool it's come up now, and I see that as I continue working with the horses I will have a practical practice ground and a cool reference point, to see if my application is affective through how the horse will react to me, and I can continue correcting myself until I get it right, and bring myself to a point that I am comfortable within myself as I allow myself to express myself within standing as assertiveness.

I found a few dictionary definitions for assertiveness, the definition of 'assertive' I'm refereeing to is: Confident and direct in claiming one's rights or putting forward one's views.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the expression of assertiveness within defining assertiveness in relation to aggression, instead of realizing that assertiveness is a clear and direct stand of self, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist standing as assertiveness and instead of facing/questioning my resistance from assertiveness I have accepted the justification that it is connected to aggression and left it at that

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself resisting a specific expression, as assertiveness, I investigate the point to clear the definition I have given the specific expression, and within common sense, and within the starting point of what is best for all, I make a directive decision wither I will participate with this expression as myself or not, within this I commit myself to investigate how I've defined words and my relationship to them in order to be able to make a clear and direct decision as to who I am and how I would express myself, and not be directed by tainted definitions that I have never questioned/investigated, that are based in perceptions/fears/personalities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear/resist expressing myself as assertiveness and as a result have expressed myself as submissive, thus allowing myself to be pushed around and abused, not standing up for myself, not setting the boundaries, not being self directive, due to fear of being aggressive, not allowing myself to see the self aggression within not allowing myself to stand up clear within myself

I commit myself to walk through this point of assertiveness, through opening it up in writing, self forgiveness and corrective statements, as to allow myself to stand here, directive within/as myself

I will continue in my next blog to open up the point of who I am within assertiveness

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Day 33 - Fear of being kicked by a horse

here I am walking through the different dimensions of the point of fear of being kicked by a horse through

Though as a picture

An image of a horse standing on his front two feet with his back legs up high

Where did this fear come from?

As a child we went horseback riding, and it was always something they said, like a warning, to not stand/pass behind a horse because it can kick you, and it's very dangerous. It's like the one thing my mom knows/sais about horses: "don't stand behind it so it can't kick you"

Back chat

What is he doing? Should I walk here? Will he kick me? Is he relaxed/irritated?

I know that standing behind a horse is dangerous  

How can I get to the other side without passing behind him?

Shit, what is he thinking? Does he understand me? Is he going to test me?

Am I going to be able to do this?

I'm not sure I'm up for working with horses…

Can I stop being afraid?

Ho shit, they detect fear, he'll walk all over me, I'm not sure I can do this

Imagination (play out, movie scenario)

I see a scenarios in my mind of me passing behind the horse and he kicks me in the head, and I dye, or he kicks me in my chest and breaks my rib cage, or kicks me and I fall down and he steps on me and I'm injured and in pain. All scenarios in regards to me doing something that I shouldn't have, or that could have been prevented, and the horse ends up kicking/hurting me in some way/shape/form

Reaction, emotions/feelings, energetic reaction

Self-doubt, fear, fear of pain, fear of death, hesitation, weakness, I feel like I'm not solid, like less than myself physically, like some of me is missing physically,

Physical changes

I approach the horse with hesitation, like I'm coming towards him and away from him at the same time – my hand is coming towards the horse and my body/back is moving back words

Within the tonality of my voice I ask him to move with a tonality of a question, going high in the end of the sentence, something like: "would you maybe mind moving?" also it is said in a soft and shaking voice

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear of being kicked by a horse when working with horses

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt by a horse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a thought of fear of horses and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing one though to possess me within allowing myself to go into emotional reaction just by that one thought coming into play within that removing myself in separation from myself as the breath here, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to through my participation within/as the thought of fear of being kicked by a horse to actually kick the breath away from myself within stopping myself as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing conversations I heard as a child direct me within my participation within/as fear of being kicked by a horse, I realize that there is common sense practicality within understanding the possible events that can occur when working/moving around horses, and thus I work/move within/as awareness not allowing myself to go into the mind within/as fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate/follow/believe the back chat coming up in my mind in relation to fear of being kicked by a horse, within that I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to occupy myself within/as back chat and within that to justify the fear as emotional reaction, thus allowing myself to stay within/as the character of fear of horses, limiting myself to a character instead of allowing myself to expand beyond it as life within/as breath, and to explore life and to actually live, not as a programed character but as life itself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to entertain myself within my mind as imagination within projection a film like scenario of being kicked/hurt by a horse and thus perpetuate the fear instead of allowing myself to within self-support to stop the imaginations through realizing that they are not supporting me as life but are supporting the mind as the abusive illusion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to watch the imagination in my mind as a short movie as entertainment within justifying and compounding the fear of being kicked by a horse, instead of stopping myself from participating as an audience to this film and allow myself to be here, practically in the physical, where I can actually take action within awareness to prevent such event to occur

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the physical changes I create within/as my body when facing the fear of being kicked by a horse, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the mind to such an extent that my physical body will change it's expression to equalize with the mind possession as fear, instead of allowing myself to be the directive principle where I align my mind to/as the hereness of my body within/as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in "mind over matter" by allowing my physical body to change as a result as my mind possession, thus indicating that my mind is the master of me and my body as the slave, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my body up to the mind within expressing myself physically according to the mind's fearful possession

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the physical changed in my body due to not allowing myself to be self-intimate within/as my body, and within that I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see the physical changes and investigate them as self-support to assist me in realizing the possession of the mind as fear of horses, to be able to bring myself back here through writing/self-forgiveness/corrective statements

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stay stable within/as breath within/as self-trust when working with horses, but instead I go into fear and allow myself to exist as/within fear within visualizing within/as my mind different scenarios that could happen that I would get hurt, I forgive myself or not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I am participating within/as thoughts as imaginations of scenarios that could happen I am at the moment not here within/as breath, not here within/as self and thus at moment of fear/thought I am actually putting myself in danger through not being here in fact to direct any situation that comes along

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself around horses and exist within a constant fear of them getting irritated and I won't notice or know what to do and I will end up getting hurt, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be here with the horse but instead be in my mind as thoughts/fear and thus create a situation where I cannot be the directive principle because I am not here within awareness to direct the situation, thus I have accepted and allowed myself to give my responsibility of myself and the horse to the mind as trusting in the mind as fear instead of building myself within/as self-trust through applying myself here in every moment within/as breath to be able to actually be here to take responsibility and direct any situation that comes along within/as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into my mind within a imagination of a picture of a horse kicking, a picture I created/stored in my mind as memory, and whenever I recall that picture memory I justify to myself the fear of horses, as if the picture is showing me the actual truth of danger within horses, instead of realizing that the picture is a self-created one dimensional image, and thus is not a "true" representation of the three dimensional reality we exist as, within this I realize that within practicality, the fear is useless and will only put me in unnecessary danger rather than help/assist me, within realizing this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe through the fear within the understanding that the only thing to fear is the fear itself, from the perspective that while I am participating within/as fear I am not here and cannot direct/take responsibility for/as the situation and thus compromise myself and the environment I am in, within this I realize that since I am the creator of the fear coming up within me, I am responsible and able to stop it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in fear instead of allowing myself to slowly but surely through stopping the mind as fear time and time again, to build self-trust within the practical understanding that I will slowly and surly learn more and more about the horses and how to handle/treat/read them, thus will become more and more aware of the situation and know what to do/act/behave within also knowing what can go wrong from a perspective of being prepared/informed within common sense, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that  to fear the situation within going into my mind as thought/imaginations is what is putting me in danger in fact, within this I also realize that participating within/as fear is acting as an interruption to self, through within creating within myself an impression that I am actually doing something to protect myself from the dangers while in fact all I am doing is the contrary, and actually creating the danger through participating within/as fear.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be one and equal to/as the horses

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that working with the horses is in fact an opportunity to within working hands on within/as the physical to establish myself here within/as breath

Self-Commitments

I commit myself to, when a thought manifest in my mind of fear of being kicked by a horse - to in that moment stop and breathe within realizing I am here in breath in this body, and within my participation with following the thought, I am missing another breath/moments of being alive here

I commit myself to when a thought of being kicked by a horse manifest in my mind, I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here to my physical body to the physical environment I am in, I hear the noises around me, I look at what's around me, I am here, I focus on the physical and through the physical support myself to stay out of the mind as thoughts

I commit myself to investigate information I got from my parents environment within realizing that some of it is practical and some of it is simply an accepted emotional reaction to a situation learnt by the environment and accepted by self, thus I commit myself to participate within using common sense within/as the physical, and not occupy myself within/as the mind as emotional reactions as I have realized they are merely a distraction of being here as life within/as breath

I commit myself to stopping my participation within/as back chat, within realizing they are coming from and defending a character I have created as myself, and thus I realize that my participation within/as back chat is giving power to the character and thus taking power away from self as breath as life, thus I commit myself to stopping the back chat within/as breath as it comes up I breathe and simply do not participate.

I commit myself to stopping myself within/as breath when watching the fear inducing movie in my head, within realizing that watching the movie in my head is keeping me away from myself here as breath, and thus is actually creating a dangerous situation where I am not here and cannot be responsible for the environment around me and thus cannot trust myself to be safe around the horses, thus I commit myself to when working with/around the horses to be here within/as breath and not allow myself to wonder in the movie of my mind

I commit myself to investigating my physical changes within/as mind possessions as fear of horses, and to through the body learn to detect what is going on in my mind, to be able to stop myself as the mind and to be here within/as the physical body, within/as breath

I commit myself to when working with horses to use it as a practical practice platform for being here within/as breath, and within that I commit myself to use the fear of being kicked by a horse as self-support to breathe through it and remain here as the physical, equal to the horse and what I am doing at the moment here