Showing posts with label acceptance and allowance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label acceptance and allowance. Show all posts
Sunday, July 14, 2013
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and resist doing things alone
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and resist going dancing / climbing alone, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself as to which activity to participate with and which not, based on if I have someone to go with me, within this, I realize that I have not been applying this as a point of practicality but rather of fear, as I fear and resist going alone due to accepting the fear of facing people on my own, and thus, I allow this fear to limit me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and resisting doing things alone due to going into my mind in thoughts as back chat and future projections and imaginations of how it will be when if go alone and have people / strangers talk to me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid going places alone because in my imaginations and future projections of how it will be I cannot come up with how it will be and so I fear the unknown from a starting point of not trusting myself, as if by not knowing exactly how it will be, who will be there and what they will say, I cannot trust that I will know how to handle the situation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more comfortable doing things when I have someone to do it with, though when looking practically when I am at the event I do enjoy meeting new people and having new conversations, and so it is not an actual fear of people but more of an idea of fear as future projection and "worst case scenario" syndrom
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the following back chat when thinking of going somewhere alone:
"I will be standing there all alone and I will be pathetic"
"No one will talk to me and I will look lonely and rejected"
"The only people that will talk to me will be the ones I don't want talking to me"
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate the back chat that I have been participating in and thus allowing myself to be directed by it without looking at what it is showing me as who I am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the back chat "I will be standing there all alone and I will be pathetic" and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate being alone to being pathetic, as I have place a value on standing alone and have defined it within an energetic polarity as someone unwanted that symbolized being rejected, unwanted
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief / idea that no one would prefer being alone and thus being alone would never be by choice, but rather a result of being rejected and unwanted, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place an idea of being alone and thus to separate myself from alone as the living word, within not allowing myself to see myself as who I am as the word alone, and thus within looking at myself as the expression of the word I have not allowed myself to investigate the word within and as myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that, when I am not in my mind in imaginations and ideas and judgments, and allow myself to be here in breath, I do enjoy myself being alone, and thus, I know within myself that being alone is not bad / pathetic, yet I have allowed myself to exist within this idea and live my life accordingly, as accepting this model / construct and playing by those rules, even though within myself I know that I do enjoy doing things alone when I allow myself to do so mind-free
When and as I want to do something and see the thoughts / fears / resistance of doing it alone come up, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to the physical, and remind myself that I do enjoy doing things alone and that it is only the mind as thoughts that is creating the resistance towards doing things alone - within this, I commit myself, when these thoughts as resistance towards doing things alone come up, to stop and breathe and reassess the situation and if practically doing it alone makes sense, then, to push myself to do it and over come the fear as a step towards self trust, as I have evaluated the situation and have directed myself to go ahead and enjoy myself and not allow myself to be limited by the mind's ideas
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that my fear of being alone stems from my judgment towards being alone, and thus the very same judgment I hold towards others as I see them standing alone, I fear facing when it will be turned to me as I stand alone, within tis, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as less than me, for standing alone, while in fact admiring them and looking up to them for not allowing themselves to be limited, and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a polarity within my relationship towards the word alone, as I desire the ability to stand alone and thus project that as comparison and hidden jealousy, and at the same time, as to hide from myself the admiration, to spite those that stand alone in judgemt as to view them as pathetic and thus create within myself the fear of being looked at by others in the same way that I judge those that stand alone
When and as I see myself judging others for being alone, I stop myself and breathe, I realize that being alone does not define who they are as good or bad, and that by participating in such in-mind gossip I am not only allowing the construct of judgment and gossip to be, but I am also causing myself direct consequences as the fear of being on the other side of the coin, as to be judged as I judge. And so, I commit myself to stop and breathe, to bring myself back here, and look at the physical reality of the situation without the attachments of values I have added to it, as good / bad
Monday, January 14, 2013
I always heard the phrase "the grass is greener on the other side" but I never actually looked at it within and as myself, and I find now that it is a dominant construct / pattern / personality within me. I've actually seen this years ago, but didn’t yet have the tools to address it effectively, so now that I do, and since it has been coming up within me, it's an opportunity to take it on.
The first time I became aware of this pattern of mine was when I would be in big social events, what happens is that, when I am with a big group of friends, too big for all to have one conversation, people split up to smaller groups and talk amongst themselves - in such situations as I am engaged in one conversations I have a feeling that I am missing out on a more interesting conversation, I have only half of my attention with the people I am talking to, and the other half is scanning other conversations, looking for hints and clues as to what is being discussed, then I might here a partial sentence or a few words of interest and become curious as to what is being said, I will then move to the other conversation, as an attempt to be at the most interesting conversation, Or I might stay where I am but experience myself as missing out, as being stuck at the boring conversation. This creates a situation where I am not here nor there, I am in my mind, experiencing myself as I am missing out on something else that is "there", and thus am actually missing out on being here in breath because I am preoccupying myself within the illusions and manipulations of the mind, as the mind is keeping me interested in everything that is out there, wanting to find the better place to be at, instead of me realizing that all I need is always here, because I am always here, and once I get that, and integrate that as myself, I will not be so easily fooled by the mind as I have been, within allowing myself to be directed by it as I have been.
When this construct comes up within me, I experience it like a constant "not good enough", as no matter what I am doing or who I am with there is always something better right around the corner, experiencing myself as if I am the one that is always missing out. Within this there is also an experience / thought / belief that "they" always seem to be in the right place at the right time, "they" always seem to be in the interesting conversations, meeting the interesting people, seeing the cool sights, going to the best parties, ordering the tastiest meal and so on… and I am always the "looser", always making the wrong decision, going to the wrong places, sitting with the wrong people.
This has effected my decision making, because when making a decision, as where to go, or who to be with, once the decision is done, I automatically feel like I've made a mistake, like I should have chosen otherwise, and so I try to avoid making decisions and keeping all my options open until the very last minute, which obviously I haven't realized that by avoiding making decisions in the attempt to keep all doors open, I am closing the doors of opportunities that can't wait till the last minute, and this has happened many times, but I have justified it to myself that it's ok, and that I don't really care, because I have created myself as a personality of "waiting till the last minute" in order to keep my options open, and I will defend this personality even when I see it is not serving me. I have not realized that "waiting for the last minute" is not who I am but a personality / character I have created myself as in order to not miss out, within the attempt to fool the system - as if I will wait till the last minute I will make the most educated decision and will not miss out on all the good things I always perceive myself to miss out on - but I have created within this an endless loop of not actually living at all, because I am always waiting for the good opportunity while missing all that is here at the moment.
This constant feeling within me of missing out, creates constant inner conflict within me, because I don't allow myself to simply be here, within recognizing that many things are happening in every moment but I can practically only be in one place at a time, and do one thing at a time, and because I don't allow myself to simply be here, in breath, to be where I am at, to do what I am doing - I am actually creating the very experience as of missing out as I am deliberately missing out on myself, missing every breath I take - missing it because I am too busy with fear of missing it. As I participate in this construct there is always back chat in my mind, telling me what I should have done, where I should have gone, who I should be with - and in my mind, the answer is never here, my mind is never content with here, it always wants me to be there - "there" is always better than "here" no matter what. Always.
I realize that allowing this construct to exist within me and direct me is a form of self sabotage, thus, it's time to stop.
In my next blog I will start with the self forgiveness process.
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Wednesday, January 9, 2013
This is a continuation from my previous blogs:
Day 129 – Self Judgment – Part 1
Day 130 - Self judgment - Part 2 – Appearance
Day 131 - Self judgment - Part 3 – Appearance - Part 2
Day 132 - Self judgment - Part 4 - Appearance - Part 3
Day 133 - Self judgment - Part 5 – Designing myself as the appearance construct
Day 134 - Self Judgment - Part 6 – Appearance
I realize that when someone is being complemented on their appearance it isn't about me nor related to me and thus doesn't actually concern me - thus taking it personally and making any interpretations in regards myself is out of context, based on an illusion created only in my mind, as it has nothing to do with the actual physical reality of the situation, I realize that reacting to any complement given to another and taking it personally is reflecting my own self judgment towards my appearance and nothing else as what others may or may not think about me, within this I realize that any reaction as thoughts / back chat / energetic experience coming up within me, as comparison / spitefulness / judgment /competition / insult are not reflecting what others think of me but only reflecting and showing me what I think/believe about myself, within this I see that allowing these thoughts of self judgment as interpretations to others being complimented are self abusive, as within them I justify my self judgment and "bring myself down" as to experience the negative energy associated with self judgment. Within this I see that whenever I react to someone being complemented is an opportunity for me to see that I am still not clear and that the point of self acceptance is still not lived by me as myself, thus any point of reaction is thus a gift if I accept it as such and allow myself to investigate, forgive, and correct the points as they come up within my life, exposing to me the acceptances and allowances I have been living within/as in order for me to stand up and take self responsibility within the starting point of correcting myself to stop the self abuse and support myself as life, to support myself as I would support a child and to stop accepting the self abuse as I would not allow a child to be abused - thus, I commit myself to stop myself within and as breath when and as I see myself reacting to someone else being complemented or positively reinforced in any way, and specifically in regards to appearance, I commit myself to stop myself in breath and investigate and forgive the specific point that had emerged within the situation and revealed by my reaction, I commit myself to take on this point of self judgment in regards to appearance until it has no directive power over me, until I can stand stable in the face of any comment whether directed towards me or another, and not react within the mind as energy but direct myself within the principle of supporting myself in every breath and all within the situation as myself I realize that when I participate with thoughts as a form of comparison within self judgment in regards to appearance I am diminishing myself as the beingness that I am, and give my power away within accepting and allowing myself to believe my mind within the idea that there is an ideal way to look and that all must strive to look like that, within this I see that I have conditioned myself to desire to look as the ideal beauty image I have accepted within the accepted idea/belief that I have no right not to desire it, as if all should want to look like that - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as the appearance of my physical body as part of fulfilling my social duties in a way, within the desire / dependency to be accepted in society, as if I am suppose to judge myself because I don't look like the ideal, and I have thus allowed myself to consistently judge myself within a fear that if I don't I will be mocked, as if it is expected for someone that doesn't look like the ideal to at least judge themselves, as if to say "realize you don't look like the ideal you should want to look like, and judge yourself for not looking like it to prove that you understand that that's how you should look" - I realize within this that self judgment is a tool used to not change, as a form of justification, as a way of saying I accept my situation as my appearance but cannot do a thing about it so I will at the very least judge myself as to prove to society that I condemn myself as my appearance as to receive the approval of society, as a way to belong as one with society within sharing the point of judgment - thus equalizing myself to the point of judgment within accepting that all should strive to look in a specific way, and if they don't it is legitimate to judge them, as that is what society does, and thus it is expected that they judge themselves as well, and thus if they cannot fit in to society through looking in the ideal way, they can at least fit in with sharing society's judgment - I realize that I have been treating myself as a bully within the desire to fit in to society and accepting society's demands in regards to appearance, and thus I have been bullying myself within self judgment as if to say "hey society, look, I'm not standing as the ideal beauty image, but I accept it, and thus I will follow your demands and serve society's interest in condemning anyone that doesn't stand as that ideal, including myself, within this I have not allowed myself to question whether what I perceive as society's demands as the idea appearance is valid and worth "fighting for" and standing one and equal as - it is clear that it is not valid as it allows exclusion to all that do not fit the model and allows abuse as judgment towards those who do not fit the model, and thus disregards life as equal, and places conditions in order to be seen as worthy, instead of recognizing that all are equal as life, and all are equally worthy, and that the only thing that actually defines us is who we are within our acceptances and allowances, as the beingness that we allow ourselves to be - within this I commit myself to stop and breathe and not participate with society's demands without questioning them, as to make sure that I do not participate with the abuse that society allows and promotes as for instance exclusion, judgment and bullying. I commit myself to let go the ideal I have accepted and have lived by within judging myself for not looking like it and build myself a new within self trust as to trust myself that I will not bully myself within self judgment to justify to myself not looking like an ideal that is un real, as it is an idea, a concept of an era, an accepted opinion and not alive as the physical, and cannot be lived by all, and thus cannot be something to live by or be directed towards.
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