Showing posts with label stability. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stability. Show all posts
Friday, November 16, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4
Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5
Day 85 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 6
Day 86 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 7 - Self Forgiveness
Day 87 - Fear Dimension - Inferiority - Part 8
Day 88 - Fear dimension - Part 9 - self commitment
Day 89 - Fear dimension - Authority - Part 10
Day 90 - Fear dimension - Part 11 - Self forgiveness
Day 91 – Fear Dimension – Part 12 - Fear of Losing MySelf
Day 92 - Fear Dimension - Part 13 - Fear of Losing MySelf - Self forgiveness
I realize that I am here and cannot lose myself except as an idea I had of myself, thus, when and as I see myself going into fear of losing myself within the context of resisting letting go of a self definition or a definition I have believed to be true, I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here to the physical reality, to myself as the physical body, I realize I can only lose myself as the mind, as an idea/definition, and cannot actually lose myself as life
I realize that within participating in self definition I am actually separating myself from myself and limiting myself to a narrow, one dimensional definition, thus, when and as I see myself holding on, within reaction, to a self definition of myself I stop myself and breathe, within breath I allow myself to expand, as allow myself to let go the definition I have of myself within realizing that it is a mind illusion, created to keep me enslaved and limited, as to not realize myself as life, as equal and one to all that is here, thus when and as I see myself resisting letting go a self definition or a definition I have accepted to be true through reacting to what is being said, I stop myself and breathe, I allow myself to listen to what is being said unconditionally, I allow myself to practice critical reasoning and expand within the point discussed, not limiting myself to the old knowledge I have on the topic but allow myself to stretch the boundaries of my mind that I have allowed to limit and direct me
I realize that the self definition I have of myself as being a nice/good/smart/intelligent person is based in polarity and within it exist the fear of being or being seen as the other side of the polarity as bad/stupid/boring, within this I realize that I have designed and accepted myself as the "good" side of the polarity based on my upbringing as a outflow of the social accepted norms I grew up with, within this I realize I have created myself as this "good" character, as an act, to survive and to be accepted by society, thus, when and as I see myself going into the nice/good character, as defending myself as the nice/good character, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to my physical body as myself, I do not accept myself to participate in this character because I realize it is a lie, and is in fact allowing the suppression of all that I am that isn't defined as good/nice
I realize that by participating and defending the good/nice character I have created myself as, I am in fact being directed by fear, fear of what the consequences will be if I am not that definition any more, thus, when and as I see myself going into fear of not being defined as nice/good, I stop myself and breathe, I realize that within the principle of equality and oneness I am equal and one to all that exist, and within the current world I can clearly see that I am one and equal to a bad/brutal/evil reality, and thus I realize that the self definition of being nice/good is separating myself from all that is here and not allowing myself to take self responsibility of that which is brutal/evil, and thus accepting and allowing the brutality within myself and within the world to continue uninterrupted, thus, when and as I see myself separating myself from all that is bad/brutal/evil I stop and breath, I allow myself to accept myself within/as the evil that exist in the world as I realize all this evil exist within/as myself as one and equal, thus I push myself to see what the world as a mirror is showing me as reflecting self back to self as self support, so I take all that I see as a gift and within gratefulness I allow myself to see the evil within myself, and to stop pushing it away from myself within separation
I realize that the evil that exist in the world reflect me, and within this I realize that I have allowed myself to exist as an organic robot, designed and programmed by my parents/society and accepted/allowed by/as myself through my participation within/as it, thus when and as I see myself resisting/rejecting myself as bad/evil, I stop myself and breathe, I realize it is what it is, I stop the self judgment within self forgiveness, and within humbleness I allow myself to embrace myself within/as the evil, as to be able to unconditionally investigate the point of evil within/as myself, without the vail of self judgment designed to hide myself from myself, and within investigating myself as the point and within/through self forgiveness, I give myself the gift of change, and allow myself to expand/grow/change as that which is best for all, to live/be as a living example
I realize that the current state of the world is based on all the definitions that exist within/as it as an accumulation of all that is accepted and allowed, thus I realize that to change our world as the reality we exist in we must allow ourselves to change the definitions to be living words as words that support life and expose the abuse and stop allowing the suppression/limitation of the mind, I realize that words have been a tool that creates/enhances the illusion of separation we exist as, and the words within their definitions have been justifying our self interest within promoting fear, thus when and as I see myself resisting redefining a word within holding on to the definition I have from the past, I stop and breathe, I realize that all words and definitions must change if the world is to change, and within myself I realize that I must allow myself to let go all definitions in order to be able to expand beyond the limitations of the mind, as an accumulation of all that I ever learnt/experienced/defined. Thus, as I breathe I bring myself back here to/as the physical reality within/as my physical body, as this is what is here as life, and as I bring myself back to the physical I breathe the resistance as energetic build up into the ground, giving back to the ground the energy that has been consumed from the physical, and as I return the energy to the ground I let go the attachment/holding on I have towards the definition, and allow myself to be humble, to be "not knowing", to be here without any knowledge to protect me, simply here as breath, nothing to protect, nothing to hide, nothing to hide from, here, stable
I realize that the fear/resistance I experience towards letting go of definitions is manifested as back chat, thus, when and as I see myself going into back chat within/as the mind as telling myself why I shouldn't let go the definition, and why it just doesn't make sense, and why I am right and they are wrong, I stop myself and breathe, I stop myself and don't allow myself to participate in the back chat, I realize that back chat exist within my hidden mind, separated from reality, hidden from the eyes of others because it is always based in self interest, and thus allows and promotes abuse, allows and promotes abdication of responsibility, justifies itself and the reaction and thus keeping self further away from living as equality and oneness as what is best for all, thus, within breath, I stop the back chat, I do not allow myself to fall in it's tempting trap, I remain here, supporting myself within/as breath, until the back chat "loses" its power over me, and I remain standing, self directive, here
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Wednesday, October 3, 2012
I'm sure I have participated as this construct many times, but there is one specific memory comes to mind in regards to this experience/construct. I was in an big argument with my room mate and at the end of the argument (in which I obviously reacted) I calmed myself down, I then came to her and within "stability" I basically told her that she is a fuck up and I'm not going to bother myself with her shit anymore. I felt powerful, and what I am certain of, looking at it now, is that I wasn't speaking from an actual stable starting point, not at all. I have fueled myself up while "calming" myself down within participating in back chat that diminish her and justify myself as being right. When I spoke to her I wasn't considering her, I wasn't supporting her, I was speaking to her within a starting point of making her feel small/bad/stupid/wrong…. I wanted to hurt her… I wanted to make sure she and I both know what a fuck up she is, and that I'm removing myself from the situation within "stability". I justified myself for being nasty/abusive towards her within the belief I am right and she is wrong, and thus deserves to be disregarded, abused and forgotten about.
The reason I want to explore this point is because in most of my experience I have been on the receiving/submissive/inferior end of this construct. I have been in many relationships with people where, where I believe them to be stable, as they express themselves as stable, at the same time I know that I am undoubtedly reacting in inferiority, and thus it becomes like a tango, where both sides know I am reacting in inferiority and both sides believe the other is stable. Within participating in this construct I have agreed to silence myself, as if my words have no value because they are spoken from reaction, and the other being's words are marbles of wisdom at all times because they are spoken from stability, when in fact in many cases they are not, as I have seen within the memory above.
So, here I'm going to place myself in the shoes of the "stable" one, as the memory that came up within me, I will write out the construct and will walk the forgiveness to better understand myself and the other within this construct.
As I see it, it's a point where one sees oneself as stable, believes self to be non reactive, but in fact one is in a position of superiority and power, and thus it appears to be a form of stability but in fact it is a stable presentation within an idea of what stable is. I realize now that being stable cannot come from a point of power over another, real stability would come from within/as breath and will be experienced/expressed within/as humbleness, and will be directed as what is best for all, as a hereness within considering the entirety of the situation and all participants involved, and not from a point of ego, of being stronger than the other and therefore believe oneself to be stable because one doesn't experience fear or inferiority.
I can see the confusion within this construct, looking at how I experienced it, where one will exist within an inner conflict as inferiority, and due to that experience being an unbearable experience, one will go to the other side of the polarity, while all one is sure of is that they are not experiencing the inferiority/anxiety anymore and therefore believing themselves to be stable, not realizing that they have shifted to the other side of the coin, still within the mind's polarity, and thus not stable within/as breath.
The mind's stability is based on an idea of being in control of the situation, but a good indicator would be to check if one is supporting the other within this "stability" or is merely expressing their desire for control/power/superiority/stability to cover up the actual inner/suppressed experience of fear/anxiety/inferiority .
I'll be writing self forgiveness and corrective statement on this point in my next blog.
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