Showing posts with label self enjoyment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self enjoyment. Show all posts
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic
Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage
Day 194 - 21 days of self dedication – misusing the desteni process
Within my tendency to only see the worst I am replaying to myself all the back chat as self judgment, and within doing so I am constantly over shadowing the progress, or even not the progress, but the simple plain facts of my physical realty - and one plain fact is that I am still here - and I must support / encourage myself within realizing this, as a form of balancing out the usual self discouragement that I am used to feeding myself.
I realize there is a point of polarity here, and I am here to investigate it further, I am not satisfied as to leave things as they are, obviously, so it's not to say that for each discouraging thought I will come back with some positive reinforcement - but what I do mean, is that while I am walking the process of stopping myself within / as the pattern of self sabotage and self discouragement, I must deliberately remind myself the other side of the coin, as a temporary crutch to lean on and support myself with, as a bridge until the tendency to only see the worst is diminished.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be comfortable with assuming / expecting the worst, and thus, to "naturally" accept and participate within such thoughts of self diminishment / judgment, thus, enhancing the point which in tern leads to more judgment and so the cycle of self abuse
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself within the pattern of self diminishment and only seeing/ seeking the worst, to see the physical reality of the situation, and not only my mind projections
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the reality of the situation and myself within it, and thus deliberately only allow myself to see / express the worst, as if I do not know / recognize myself as confidant and trust worthy, and so, to remain familiar to myself I have become the manifestation of self doubt and dismissal
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I am here, and even though I participate in my mind, and do not yet effectively stop myself, and even though all the judgment and attempts of giving up - I am still here, and as long as I am here, I can stop and change
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I have been utilizing writing as self support more than ever before, and within this any comparison to an ideal or to others is just of the mind, and thus I must evaluate if the comparison is within a starting point of self honesty / support or self abuse / competition - and so, I realize that when I judge myself for not doing enough, I do not do so within a starting point of self support, but the contrary, I do so within a point of beating myself down - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beat myself down instead of finding practical livable ways to support myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself to change, but instead I would only find flaws and emphasize them, without looking for a practical livable solution - and thus doing so in self spite and not support
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that all this self judgment is pointing towards that which I know I want to be but have not yet become, and so it isn't to dismiss the self judgment as invalid, because it is pointing at a valid point , but rather to not go into and participate with the energy of it all, but instead to find the point of change within it, and the point requires forgiveness - as to use the self judgment as an indicator, as a flash light pointing at the right direction - and so, it isn't to believe the flash light holds the truth, it is rather just pointing at it.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to enjoy myself within a constant experience that I must judge myself or else I am proving myself to being shallow and ineffective, not realizing that self enjoyment should be embraced, and is not "bad" if it is done within self expression, as simply enjoying the expression of self and those around - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to enjoy myself unconditionally
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to enjoy myself within a starting point of trying to be serious about process and the world through an idea that one must express a heaviness in order to sort this world out - but, lol, why would a harsh / heavy / serious expression be more effective within any part of this process, as self investigation, writing, self forgiveness?... There is no common sense in such an idea, it is merely an idea and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to adjust my expression to fit an idea instead of building and developing self honesty, through writing and self exposure, and then to express myself as who I am and who I want to be after looking at it in awareness, and not automatically allow myself to become an idea that I have not even until now investigated and thus could not have clearly seen the ridiculesness of it all
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be here in breath, and to move and act from within this one point of me being here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that today more than before I am more aware of what I am going through within my experience / participation / acceptances, and so, I slow myself down and realize this is a process and I am walking it at my own speed - I forgive myself for judging myself according to comparison and an idea and thus, blinding myself to the fact that I am walking, not only blinding me but causing hardship, instead of embracing myself and investigating why am I going slow, check if I can go faster or become more effective and practically do something about it, rather then judging myself and dismissing all that I am doing as a form of punishment and making myself worthless in my own eyes - not realizing that this enhances the problem rather than going towards a solution.
And so, I commit myself to be more aware of what is physical, and within this, to stop myself within and as breath, when I see myself going into interpretation, especially if I see myself going into the self judgment / diminishment character as a form of trapping myself without a practical solution for change, but only remain in the mind as thinking about it
I am here, and I am walking ,and I can prefect myself and become more effective - but I can do so only within / as self support, and not through self abuse - within this, I commit myself to practice being more self discipline, to making a schedule and re-fixing / editing it as I move along to keep it up-to-date with my current activities, within this, I commit myself to if I do not stay up to speed with my assignments to adjust myself and investigate what/why is going on - I commit myself to breath, to be here, to return to myself as the physical
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Friday, January 4, 2013
This is a continuation from my previous blogs:
Day 129 – Self Judgment – Part 1
Day 130 - Self judgment - Part 2 – Appearance
Day 131 - Self judgment - Part 3 – Appearance - Part 2
Day 132 - Self judgment - Part 4 - Appearance - Part 3
Day 133 - Self judgment - Part 5 – Designing myself as the appearance construct
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into comparison when being told my sister is pretty within believing that the fact that they are saying my sister is pretty actually means that I am not, other wise they would have told me I am pretty
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel badly when being told my sister is pretty within taking personally the fact that I wasn't told
I forgive myself that for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be seen as pretty within giving value to appearance
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to appearance within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to what people think about me and specifically about my appearance
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed within my experience of myself based on what I believe others think about me and specifically about my appearance
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a positive experience when receiving positive feedback from others in regards to my appearance and go into a negative experience within myself when believing that others opinion about my appearance is negative
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to question my belief in the value of appearance and I have simply accepted it within seeing everyone around me giving value to appearance
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hypnotized by the media as they feed me with an ideal beauty image and I accept it as my own, and thus compare myself to that beauty image and judge myself accordingly
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my sister as beautiful and within that to define myself as not
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be jealous of my sister for being pretty and for having others express how pretty she is, within the desire to be seen as pretty as well
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore all the times I was told I was pretty because I didn't believe it to be true because I had already decided about myself that I am not, and thus every time someone tells me I am pretty I feel they are taking pity on me and are telling me just so I would feel better about myself, but that it's not in fact true
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react every time my dad would tell me I'm pretty because I felt like he is just saying it cause he's my dad and not because he actually believes it, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that he is saying it now, when I'm an adult, to make up for not telling me when I was a child, although I don't really remember if he did or didn't, I just know I didn't feel pretty
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as the ugly duckling that was seen as ugly as a child and now in adulthood is pretty, but within this I forgive myself for not allowing myself to let go the experience of being ugly as a child and thus when I am being told I am pretty now I cannot enjoy it or believe it because deep down I feel ugly
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to enjoy myself unconditionally but instead I have conditioned myself to enjoy myself only if I feel good about myself and believe myself to be pretty, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to determine my self enjoyment on whether I believe I am pretty or not, and thus defining within myself and existing within the idea that only pretty people deserve to enjoy themselves
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in the belief that only pretty people should enjoy themselves and thus when I don't feel pretty I don't allow myself to enjoy myself because I allow myself to occupy myself in back chat of self judgment instead of letting go of the whole ideal of beauty and within that the judgment that goes with it, and simply enjoy myself here within and as the body that is me, realizing that self enjoyment is not defined by beauty but rather by my relationship to myself, and thus regardless of how I actually look, my self enjoyment is my responsibility in every breath and is not actually determined by what I look like but rather by how I see myself whether in judgment or not
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