Showing posts with label working. Show all posts
Showing posts with label working. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
The following blog is a continuation of my previous writings, please read them for further context if you haven’t already :
Day 110 - Avoiding Work
Day 111 – Self interest can never be “right”
Day 112 - Avoiding work –Part 3 - Self Forgiveness
Day 113 – Enjoying Work
Day 114 - Avoiding work –Part 5 - blame and manipulation - Self Forgiveness
Day 115 - Completing the job
The main points that came up within me that I found most prominently within this pattern of avoiding/resisting work are the following:
- Defining a job as "less than" as an inferior job/task, within this exist a fear within me of being associated with that job - "if I am the one doing this inferior job it must mean that I'm inferior", and on the other hand I participate within Judgment towards other people for working at specific jobs that I have judged as inferior - I wouldn't want to go out with someone working those jobs, I won't respect someone working those jobs, I will define them in alignment to their job - based on the accepted social status I have labeled the job with
- Calculating what everybody is doing and making sure I don't do more than others within fear of being taken advantage of - this point as well is related to fear of inferiority, and thus the self definition as inferior, because how I see it is that if I am manipulated into doing more work, or am being taken advantage of, then I must be inferior to have been out smart and thus have been manipulated / taken advantage of
- Defining work as something that needs to be avoided, within this I will stare at the clock, I will look at the time waiting for "work time" to end, within this I do not allow myself to be here in the totality of myself and practically do what I need to do to the best of my ability because I am preoccupied in my mind, looking at the time, and not focusing on the work, within this point I will deliberately do a half ass job because I'm doing it within a starting point of "I have to do it even though I'd rather not", instead of "taking pride" in the work I'm doing within honoring myself as the task and do it to the best of my ability
The common denominator within all these specific patterns is the back chat that goes with them, the back chat is always telling me that "I shouldn't be doing the work", "I should get out of it", "someone else should be doing it"," it isn't important", "this job isn't worthy", "why am I doing this shitty job" and so on...
Since I have started walking this point through opening it up with writing and self forgiveness, what I found most supportive for me at the moment, is to not follow my back chat, what I mean by this, is to hear what the back chat is telling me to do or not to do, and simply not follow it - I realize the "ideal" point is to stop the back chat all together, but I must say that it's not easy for me to "stop the back chat" - I'm at a point where I have become more aware of the back chat so I notice it as back chat and listen to it in awareness, the next "stage" would be to stop the back chat within breath, but this point is still not "working" for me, or I am not working it - so, within realizing that back chat is a form of self sabotage that is done in the name of self interest but is only really in the interest of the mind - what I have found supportive for me, as an application that I am able to do and "works for me" is that I do whatever it is in spite of the back chat - I hear what the back chat is saying and I'll push to do the opposite - so for instance when my back chat tells me to cut some corners cause no body is watching, I will push myself to do it even more specifically than I would normally do, or when my back chat is telling me that it's not fair that I'm doing all the work, then I'll go ahead and do even more - like a form of spite towards back chat, but not energetic spite, just a realization that it is trying to fuck with me, as the mind always seems to be in my best interest but it never really is as I have realized that living within self interest isn't really my self interest, it is only the interest the mind and the consequences are never pleasant for me and those around me, as the mind is not aligned with what is best for all, as it is only aligned with it's own self interest which is to cause and create friction and conflict as energy - I know back chat is fucking with me, so what I have decided to do is to spite it and do the opposite of what it tells me to do - and it's been really cool – I’m learning to become self honest through this process of seeing my back chat and then looking within self honesty as what must I do – thus, back chat has actually been a self support tool to allow me to become self honest, which is another cool point to see – everything around me, my back chat and reactions – it’s all giving me an opportunity to realize myself within self honesty – and it’s only up to me if i take advantage and live the opportunity or not.
I realize this method isn't one to hold onto for ever, it is merely a bridge, to stop letting myself be directed by the back chat, to then direct myself within self awareness and within considering what is best for all life in the context that I am dealing with within identifying what needs to be done - and if a thought comes up telling me not to do something I take it as indication that I actually know that it needs to be done, otherwise the thought wouldn't have come, so I simply do it - it's become almost like a challenge, where my mind tells me "don't do it" and I then have the opportunity to see it and decide to do it.
Since I've started doing this it's been fascinating to be aware of what I have always seen and known what I "should" do, but have blindly followed my mind as it tells me not to do it - now I'm more self directive as the mind has that much less power over me, I am braking the chains of the enslavement towards the mind - I have just been doing this practice in relation to the specific point of working, but I'm sure I can become aware of other aspects and points in my life that this practice can serve me in braking another self accepted chain that I have created within my relationship to my mind.
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Monday, December 10, 2012
The following blog is a continuation of my previous writings, please read them for further context if you haven’t already :
Day 110 - Avoiding Work
Day 111 – Self interest can never be “right”
Day 112 - Avoiding work –Part 3 - Self Forgiveness
Day 113 – Enjoying Work
Day 114 - Avoiding work –Part 5 - blame and manipulation - Self Forgiveness
Within taking the responsibility to do something, one must realize all aspects of the task - what I find tends to happen to me, is that I will take on a responsibility, it can be as simple as making a cake as I did the other day, and will not take into consideration all parts of the task from beginning to end. What I find is that I will exhibit a form of "selective memory syndrome" where, when it comes to ending the task, which includes cleaning the mess I've made while making the cake, and cleaning up the cake tray once it's done, I will go into resistance and "forget" that this is actually a integral part of making the cake - within completing the totality of the task.
What I see is that this has to do with accepting the task within a starting point of energy, as an excitement towards making the cake or the specific task at hand, while not actually considering within practicality all the stages necessary to be done - so I will find myself "slaving in the kitchen" to make the cake (even if the cake/task is an easy/simple one) - then once the main part of the task is over, as all the people have eaten the cake, the energetic high will have passed, and there will be no energetic motivation within me to complete the task.
In cases like this what I experience at this point is an expectation that somebody else will do it for me, within a justification of "but I've made it, shouldn't someone else clean it" - well, I have used such an argument many times before, while not allowing myself to see/realize that if I took on myself the responsibility I cannot expect and impose any part of it on anyone else unless it has been agreed upon to begin with.
I see here two main points, the first is going to the task within energy and thus overlooking in practicality what it entails, and then when the "fun part" part is over there is no more energy left to motivate me to move and complete the task, and then I become sluggish and resist doing it, this brings me to the other point, that exists within/as the debt system, where I do not do the task unconditionally but am expecting to get something in return, wither gratitude or in this case, when comes to the parts I don't enjoy, like the end part of cleaning, I turn to the back chat of "they owe me" because I made the cake so someone else must clean after me - "it's only fair…"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do tasks from a starting point of energy instead of making a self directive decision within considering the point in it's entity and not be directed by energy within the expectation for an experience as reward, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to direct myself to do tasks within the principle of what is best for all and instead have been doing everything from a starting point of self interest as the desire to be rewarded within an energetic experience for doing the task, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not actually chose/decide to do the task itself, but rather chose/decide to do the task in order to get the energetic rush I have associated with it, and thus have not allowed myself to direct myself but have allowed myself to be a puppet of energy, allowing myself to follow the positive energy feeling regardless of what the task is, kind of like being an energy whore… within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the task I am doing within both not considering all it's parts/aspects and secondly not allowing myself to actually be one with the task, but instead live in separation from the task as myself, and do it from a starting point of separation as getting an external energy as motivation and reward to do it
When and as I am doing a task or am about to do a task, I realign my starting point to make sure I am not doing it from a starting point of self interest as to get any reward as an energetic experience out of it, but rather do it to do it, unconditionally, for free, for the practicality of it being done and for the experience within doing it and while doing not, not as a reward that come later that will then define my success/failure of the task, but as a self expression that is done in the moment and then it is done with
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within my privet self interest of individuality when I don't consider anything and anyone while present myself as if I do, while everything I do is based in the desire to serve my own interests such as getting an energetic rush for doing something "for others" within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize myself as life, as one and equal to all that is here, and within that to realize that acting from self interest is separating myself from the life within is myself, and thus creating in my life and the world as a whole conflict and friction within living as a "split personality" as the manifestation of separation of self derived from acting from a starting point of self interest, instead of including all life in all my decisions, and walking a path that is best for all and supports all life, and thus in every decision I make, I commit myself to stop and breathe, to investigate the starting point as myself and to correct/align myself as my starting point to that which I best for all within realizing that only that which is best for all is actually best for me as well, thus, when I do a task I realign my starting point to not allow myself to direct myself within/as energy, and within that I slow myself down, I consider all aspects of the task and will myself to complete them all as part of the responsibility I have taken, within building self respect as standing by my decision to do something and do it in completion
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do things within a starting point of a debt system where I calculate my actions in relations to what I perceive others are doing, and judge and expect and demand that others pay up their debt that I have created within my mind, with no communication and agreement whatsoever, simply taking for granted that my set of values will be accepted by all and that my self interest will be accepted by all, and within this have not allowed myself to communicate and design a stable relationship with those around me, but simply doing things and then build up expectation that cause friction and conflict in all our worlds, instead of stopping myself within breath, and making sure that any thing I do I do unconditionally, and not expect any thing in return - I realize that if I detect any form of expectation to get anything in return for doing something, I know I have been acting from self interest and thus I commit myself to stop my back chat, and breathe until I have directed and grounded the expectation and can walk stable and do what needs to be done, without expecting anything in return, and within this allow myself to simply walk the task, as myself, to completion, to honor the task as myself as life as a whole and walk all practical physical steps that must be walked
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Sunday, December 9, 2012
The following blog is a continuation of my previous writings, please read them for further context if you haven’t already :
Day 110 - Avoiding Work
Day 111 – Self interest can never be “right”
Day 112 - Avoiding work –Part 3 - Self Forgiveness
Day 113 – Enjoying Work
I realize I have been blaming/judging others for believing they are trying to avoid work, not realizing I am projecting myself onto them and thus distracting myself from my own acceptance and participation within avoiding work, while believing myself to be good and self righteous while judging others for being bad and manipulative, within this I realize my experience has been directed through the constant anticipation of being manipulated, within expecting others to be as manipulative as me, instead of stopping myself within manipulation and standing up within breath and simply allow myself and push myself to do what needs to be done, and not distract me from myself through judging/blaming others for what I perceive them to be doing, within the neurotic idea that they are plotting against meI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in manipulation within hiding my self interest to avoid working, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself onto others within the expectation of them doing the same, and thus to blame them for trying to avoid work instead of being self honest with myself and changing myself within my starting point of believing work should be avoided, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame/judge others for that which I still participate within, and thus I commit myself to align myself with the principle of equality within give as you would like to receive and thus if I want to live in a world where people don't manipulate each other to avoid working - it must start with self first, and thus it must start with self change, and thus I commit myself to change my starting point towards work and within that I commit myself to stop myself form manipulating other for my own self interest, and only once I have changed myself I can look at others from a starting point of supporting them to see what they are participating within - but I realize I must be clear within and as myself first and stand as self trust to be sure that I am not participating within avoidance and manipulation, thus, when and as I see myself going into avoidance and manipulation in regards to work, I stop myself and breathe, I stop the back chat and bring myself back here to/as breath and walk the practical steps to get the job done, within this I commit myself to deliberately place myself in positions where normally I would want to avoid as to be able to brake the pattern and prove to myself that I am my self directive principle and that I am not limited / restricted / directed by the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within the belief that work must be avoided, to have allowed myself to manipulate and deceive those around me as I try to get out of doing work, and within that expect others to do the same as me as I project myself onto them, and thus exist within an anticipation as an alert state as if waiting to be conned/manipulated
I realize that when I judge others for being manipulative I am actually showing myself that such manipulation still exist within me, and thus I stop myself within and as breath and turn it back to myself, within allowing myself to see in the moment where I am not being self honest and actually am manipulating the situation to suit my hidden self interest
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a constant state of anticipation, as waiting to be conned / manipulated and thus communicate to others from a starting point of self defense as I defend my self interest while I am sure the other is acting from within their own self interest and thus I create a war/competition between us, as the battle of the ego, while existing within self righteousness and believing that I am innocent and they are the manipulative ones, thus I commit myself to when I experience myself in the state of anticipation towards someone manipulating me, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to the practical physical reality and check my starting point to find where I am acting within self interest, and within this I commit myself to change my starting point and align it with what is best for all within the situation, and if I cannot find the point of self interest I commit myself to let go the point and not fight for it, because I realize it's become an ego battle, and all that will come out of it is friction and conflict, thus I take self responsibility and do not allow myself to participate and create more energy through friction and conflict and thus I stop myself in the moment from proceeding within the conversation / argument /situation
I realize that as long as I participate within self interest I will always create and exist within conflict and friction within myself and my relationships with others, because within self interest there will always be conflict of interest, within this I realize that by pushing through the self interest and not allowing myself to participate within it, and thus not allowing myself to manipulate to get my way, I will be able to establish effective communication with others and actually come to solutions that serve all as equals, thus serve me and them, as a shared interest within this shared earth on which we live on. Thus I commit myself to when I see myself participating in self interest, to stop myself within breath and to bring myself back here to the physical and equal reality, where we are all equal as life, and thus no ones interest is more important to be fulfilled than another, but rather the interest of life, as all as equal, is the only interest that is valid to peruse, and thus I commit myself to changing my starting point, time and time again, until living as what is best for all is my "nature" where I have built self trust and have let go of all the self interest which are based on personality as ego, and allow myself to be one and equal to all the is life
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Saturday, December 8, 2012
The following blog is a continuation of my previous writings, please read them for further context if you haven’t already :
Day 110 - Avoiding Work
Day 111 – Self interest can never be “right”
Day 112 - Avoiding work –Part 3 - Self Forgiveness
I realize I have put a value on enjoying what I do and thus have allowed myself to be directed by my preferences, thus not considering what is best for all but only existing within self interest as what makes me feel good to be doing, within this I realize that what I believe I enjoy is based on the mind as a value system, where I believe some things are more enjoyable than others, when I haven't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am here in every breath, and whatever I do doesn't change that, thus, it doesn't matter what I am doing as long as I am here as/within breath, where the only preference should be to apply myself as what is best for all, as the preference of all, and not base what I do on my own self interest - I realize nothing will even change in my reality, as my inner and outer experience, if I keep allowing myself to exist within my self interest preferences, instead of standing up for all life and living as what is best for all life in every breath, within that doing whatever is necessary, starting with stopping myself form being directed by the mind and instead directing myself as life, as breath, as what is best for all life in equality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place more value on enjoying myself than on what practically needs to be done regardless of my enjoinment within doing so, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some tasks are more enjoyable than others and thus exist within a self created limitation that restricts me from participating and taking responsibility within what I realize needs to be done if I have defined such a task as unenjoyably, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define some tasks as more enjoyable than others and through living out this definition I have created a situation where when I participate in specific tasks I believe I will not enjoy myself and then to prove myself right I, within my participation within/as the mind, actually believe I am not enjoying myself, not realizing that I am existing in a polarity created by the mind to keep me enslaved to the ideas/definitions and not allow myself to be free to simply do what needs to be done without attaching any energy to it and without expecting to get any energy out of it within self interest, simply doing within breath what needs to be done
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that within the expectation to enjoy myself within the tasks that I do I am actually self sabotaging myself, instead of supporting myself as life and breathing through everything that I do, and walking the physical one breath at a time, and not allowing myself to go into my mind in the thirst/expectation/addiction to energy, but allow myself to be here, within/as the physical, and support myself as the physical in walking the process of stopping my participation/addiction to/as the mind, and bringing myself back here, to myself, as the physical, as life, within/as breath
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe as I work and thus to exist in my mind as back chat / judgment, thus separating myself from what I am doing, and not allowing myself to actually do anything fully because I have always allowed myself to be only partly here, and the other part of me, in separation of myself has always been in the mind as interpreting what I do within judgment / expectations / beliefs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my preferences and not allow myself to direct myself as life here as what is best for all in equality and oneness within the realization that all is one and thus equal, and any participation in my own self interest preferences is of separation within the belief that my preferences have more value than the preference of all life as bringing about a change in this world, a change that starts with changing myself, a change that honors all life, as I honor myself as life, and as life honor all as equal as life as myself - thus I realize that within self honesty, my highest preference is to honor all life and thus is the preference of all - within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as self interest and not consider all life and thus participating and being an active part in the problem of this world, instead of standing within/as equality and being a part of the solution to bring about a world that it's only preference is what is best for all life
I realize that I have been living within an idea that I must enjoy what I do, thus placing value as judgment on the task, and as a result allowing myself to be directed by personal preference instead of being self directed and living the principle of equality and oneness, as what is best for all - I realize personal preferences are a distraction from what actually matters, which isn't to satisfy my privet wants/needs/desires, but to satisfy all as one and equal in creating a world that supports all life equally - within this I realize that the task to do so may not be enjoyable, and I must let go of the desire/expectation to enjoy what I do in order to be able to be free to actually get the job done - within this I realize that enjoying myself is either an energetic experience and then is of the mind and is based on values/ideas/beliefs/memories or it can be a self expression as life, and then it would be aligned with equality and oneness as what is best for all life - thus if I see myself not enjoying myself I know I am trapped in self interest / back chat / the mind, and not allowing myself to be here in breath and practically do what needs to be done, step by step by step, to bring about a change, firstly in myself, and then in the world as myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that living by preference is limiting, and that it would be much more beneficial and self supportive to be able to work from a clear starting point as a self directive decision to do the task or take the responsibility and not be influenced by the desire to get energy out of it as an experience of enjoyment, but to be clear, here and stable and simply work / do / live / breathe - and thus to not define myself by/as the work I do but rather who I am within it, and in doing so allow myself to be here, as self expression, through breathing, in any activity/task I do
I commit myself to myself as life, I commit myself to breathing within everything I do,I commit myself to slow myself down so that I can walk within/as breath, I commit myself to stopping the back chat of judgment towards activities I believe to be not enjoyable and instead breathe and apply myself within the physical reality, I commit myself to, when I am not enjoying myself, to stop and breathe, to see that I am participating in the mind as judging what it is that I'm doing, and to stop myself within breath, to bring myself back here, and to start over within a fresh starting point of simply doing what needs to be done unconditionally without expecting any energy of enjoinment in return
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Day 110 - Avoiding Work
Day 111 – Self interest can never be “right”
Day 112 - Avoiding work –Part 3 - Self Forgiveness
I realize I have put a value on enjoying what I do and thus have allowed myself to be directed by my preferences, thus not considering what is best for all but only existing within self interest as what makes me feel good to be doing, within this I realize that what I believe I enjoy is based on the mind as a value system, where I believe some things are more enjoyable than others, when I haven't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am here in every breath, and whatever I do doesn't change that, thus, it doesn't matter what I am doing as long as I am here as/within breath, where the only preference should be to apply myself as what is best for all, as the preference of all, and not base what I do on my own self interest - I realize nothing will even change in my reality, as my inner and outer experience, if I keep allowing myself to exist within my self interest preferences, instead of standing up for all life and living as what is best for all life in every breath, within that doing whatever is necessary, starting with stopping myself form being directed by the mind and instead directing myself as life, as breath, as what is best for all life in equality.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place more value on enjoying myself than on what practically needs to be done regardless of my enjoinment within doing so, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some tasks are more enjoyable than others and thus exist within a self created limitation that restricts me from participating and taking responsibility within what I realize needs to be done if I have defined such a task as unenjoyably, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define some tasks as more enjoyable than others and through living out this definition I have created a situation where when I participate in specific tasks I believe I will not enjoy myself and then to prove myself right I, within my participation within/as the mind, actually believe I am not enjoying myself, not realizing that I am existing in a polarity created by the mind to keep me enslaved to the ideas/definitions and not allow myself to be free to simply do what needs to be done without attaching any energy to it and without expecting to get any energy out of it within self interest, simply doing within breath what needs to be done
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that within the expectation to enjoy myself within the tasks that I do I am actually self sabotaging myself, instead of supporting myself as life and breathing through everything that I do, and walking the physical one breath at a time, and not allowing myself to go into my mind in the thirst/expectation/addiction to energy, but allow myself to be here, within/as the physical, and support myself as the physical in walking the process of stopping my participation/addiction to/as the mind, and bringing myself back here, to myself, as the physical, as life, within/as breath
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe as I work and thus to exist in my mind as back chat / judgment, thus separating myself from what I am doing, and not allowing myself to actually do anything fully because I have always allowed myself to be only partly here, and the other part of me, in separation of myself has always been in the mind as interpreting what I do within judgment / expectations / beliefs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my preferences and not allow myself to direct myself as life here as what is best for all in equality and oneness within the realization that all is one and thus equal, and any participation in my own self interest preferences is of separation within the belief that my preferences have more value than the preference of all life as bringing about a change in this world, a change that starts with changing myself, a change that honors all life, as I honor myself as life, and as life honor all as equal as life as myself - thus I realize that within self honesty, my highest preference is to honor all life and thus is the preference of all - within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as self interest and not consider all life and thus participating and being an active part in the problem of this world, instead of standing within/as equality and being a part of the solution to bring about a world that it's only preference is what is best for all life
I realize that I have been living within an idea that I must enjoy what I do, thus placing value as judgment on the task, and as a result allowing myself to be directed by personal preference instead of being self directed and living the principle of equality and oneness, as what is best for all - I realize personal preferences are a distraction from what actually matters, which isn't to satisfy my privet wants/needs/desires, but to satisfy all as one and equal in creating a world that supports all life equally - within this I realize that the task to do so may not be enjoyable, and I must let go of the desire/expectation to enjoy what I do in order to be able to be free to actually get the job done - within this I realize that enjoying myself is either an energetic experience and then is of the mind and is based on values/ideas/beliefs/memories or it can be a self expression as life, and then it would be aligned with equality and oneness as what is best for all life - thus if I see myself not enjoying myself I know I am trapped in self interest / back chat / the mind, and not allowing myself to be here in breath and practically do what needs to be done, step by step by step, to bring about a change, firstly in myself, and then in the world as myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that living by preference is limiting, and that it would be much more beneficial and self supportive to be able to work from a clear starting point as a self directive decision to do the task or take the responsibility and not be influenced by the desire to get energy out of it as an experience of enjoyment, but to be clear, here and stable and simply work / do / live / breathe - and thus to not define myself by/as the work I do but rather who I am within it, and in doing so allow myself to be here, as self expression, through breathing, in any activity/task I do
I commit myself to myself as life, I commit myself to breathing within everything I do,I commit myself to slow myself down so that I can walk within/as breath, I commit myself to stopping the back chat of judgment towards activities I believe to be not enjoyable and instead breathe and apply myself within the physical reality, I commit myself to, when I am not enjoying myself, to stop and breathe, to see that I am participating in the mind as judging what it is that I'm doing, and to stop myself within breath, to bring myself back here, and to start over within a fresh starting point of simply doing what needs to be done unconditionally without expecting any energy of enjoinment in return
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Friday, December 7, 2012
The following blog is a continuation of my previous writings, please read them for further context if you haven’t already :
Day 110 - Avoiding Work
Day 111 – Self interest can never be “right”
extracted from day 110 - Working - all my life I knew that working is a hassle, no one really wants to work, people work because they have to, and I have been avoiding work all my life, as much as I can… so in essence I never gave myself a chance to see who I am within it, I always simply defined myself within the personality of "I don't like to work".I realize I have created a definition of work as being something that must be avoided regardless of the circumstances, the task, the responsibility, and in no consideration of what needs to be done
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the definition of work being something to avoid, and not allowing myself to be self directive within he principle of equality and oneness as doing what needs to be done and taking responsibility in order to clear up the mess in myself and in the world as myself
When and as I see myself going into a personality of avoiding work, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here, I realize what needs to be done, I am grateful that I can contribute and assist and support myself through physically walking the application of correcting myself and this world as a whole, within this I commit myself to honor myself within my decisions and thus if I have deiced to do something I will do it as an application of building self trust and self respect
I realize I have created this idea based on memory, based in what I have learnt from society, based on my interpretation of how others would speak about work
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to question my self definition and within that my belief system as the religion of self, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blindly accept what I have been taught by society even thought the evidence is clear that what we have created as this world is not working out for the benefit of all life, and is in fact an abusive and cruel world, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blindly accept what I have been taught even though the evident is clear that what is being taught should be changed because the result of this world is not what I would want our children to be born into, thus, to create a world that is best for all our children we must realize that our starting point within all the definitions we have accepted must change as well
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my definition of work on the past as memories/experiences, instead of allowing myself to be here, in the moment, and breathe, to stop the back chat as it is only getting in my way of simply physically doing what I have set myself to do, and thus participating in self sabotage
When and as I go into back chat while doing a task/job/work, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here, I revisit my starting point and allow myself to see why I am doing this job/task/work, and within realigning myself to my starting point, within breath, I continue the task, within this I realize that to build self respect, self trust, self honor, I must honor myself, my decisions and my responsibilities to through time expand myself within my abilities, skills, application, responsibility, to be able to live as an example that change can be done, to live as an example of stopping the back chat and living that which is best for all life regardless of personal preferences that are based in self interest
I realize I have been limiting myself and not allowing myself to be here within self exploration of seeing who I am within the task/responsibility/activity
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to explore unconditionally any activity/task, and instead I have approached all jobs/tasks/responsibilities from a starting point of wanting it to end, thus not allowing myself to see who I am within it, not allowing myself to expand as it, but always separating myself from the task, within an idea that it must be avoided, not allowing myself to live self honestly and see for myself as myself who I am within it, and within that to change myself as to be able to do any task/job without attaching any value/energy to it and thus not limit/restrict myself to any value/idea/belief but allow myself to actually be free from any mind enslavement
I commit myself to when doing a task, and I find myself going into judgment towards the task, I stop and breathe, I realize the judgment is of the mind and is sabotaging myself as the experience of participating in the task, as one with it within breath here in the moment, thus I commit myself to let go any value I have given different tasks that I am used to try to avoid, to investigate the starting point of my preference and to direct myself within the decision to do what needs to be done in the service of all life that is here
I realize I have been directing myself according to this belief, never questioning it, but simply accepting myself as it, as a given fact of who I am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am the personality of "I don't like to work" within that I have created an energetic experience of suffering both within doing the task at hand and within judging the situation for "having to do something I don’t like" and within judging myself for being a fuck up that doesn't like to work - all due to the self belief that I have created as myself over time, and that in fact exist only as a mind illusion that I as myself can change if only I allow myself to
I commit myself to change myself within the starting point of working, I commit myself to when I see the self definition of "I don’t like to work" or "I am not good at working:" come up, to stop myself and breathe, to allow myself to be here, in breath, and enjoy myself within everything that I do, not an enjoyment within energy, but simply being here and participating in the physical reality as a point of enjoyment of being alive and able to participate in this world - within this to realize that true enjoyment can only exist within self honesty and thus to align myself to that which is best for all would be the only way to actually experience true enjoyment from anything I do
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Thursday, December 6, 2012
The following blog is a continuation of my previous one, please read it for further context if you haven’t already : Day 110 - Avoiding Work
It's just amazing how it is that once you open up a point within yourself, it starts existing in your life more prominently, to give you an opportunity to investigate it thoroughly and transcend it. So, I've had a chance to see up close, in a live situation, my manipulative and deceptive nature in regards to the personality of avoiding work.
Another cool point to see, is that it's not enough to just see what I am participating in, to transcend a point, one must write it out and apply self forgiveness, and then live the correction - change won't simply happen on it's own, change needs to be lived as self - yesterday I wrote out the point without applying self forgiveness, and today the same point was possessing me in my mind as back chat, inner conversations, and energetic reactions, thus, in this blog I will open up the point I've realized to be clear about it and then in the coming blogs I will open all the relevant points within self forgiveness to make sure I free myself from their enslavement and can apply myself practically as what is best for all life.
So, here is what happened: we had to make some changes in the work schedule, so some one suggested one option and I suggested another, we ended up arguing as I was trying to explain my point of view of why I think my opinion reflects the better choice. Within the conversation my self interest was exposed, I wanted to find a way to perhaps, if it could work out, to work a half hour less (this is what allowed me to see that I have been defining work as something that needs to be avoided as I've written in my previous blog) - they had caught onto me and basically invalidated my opinion, which makes sense, because we want to find a solution that is best for all, a solution that takes all points into consideration, and not just go by preference of the individual which in this case was clearly a manipulating to maybe, perhaps, possibly work a little less - within my argument I didn't consider the task at hand, nor the other people, I was only looking at it from a starting point of self interest.
An interesting point I saw within this experience, is that before I had caught onto myself, before I saw that the basis of my argument is self interest - my back chat, during the argument, as I was standing up and arguing for my opinion and explaining it, was of judgment towards them within the context that "they" are speaking from a starting point of self interest and are trying to manipulate me… lol… such a self deceptive mind… this clearly shows how any judgment towards another is a projection of what self in actually participating within, and judging self for it - it's never about the other being, any and all reactions/back chat/judgment within self is always self showing self back to self - this is why one must always investigate any and all reactions that come up within self and not trust/believe the mind - because it's a manipulative and deceptive son of a bitch.
We ended up deciding on a schedule, which was not what I wanted, but I accepted it, because I could see that my argument is self interest and not valid, though I felt frustrated, because I thought I, as my opinion, was right, but at that point I felt like I didn't care anymore, because the whole discussion/argument about our opinions was more draining than having to do the actual work, so I accepted it and let it go - or did I?...
Obviously, that wasn't the end of it, today as we were working and had applied the decision we came to the previous night, I realized that I was "right", I realized that my opinion from the previous night really did make more sense - so for a moment I felt the "I'm right" high within back chat and reliving the whole argument, and getting all energized about losing the conversation while being right... But believing I was right and the energy within it, didn't last for long, because it wasn't true in fact, and then it hit me as I realized the point of "who you are within it" - what happened was that, within our conversation the night earlier, I came to a specific conclusion based on self interest argument - What I've realized is that the fact that I would have gotten to the same conclusion based on an argument that stands to support all as what is best for all, doesn't make me right, the contrary, it allows me to see how deceptive/self interest/manipulative I have been. In self honesty I know that during the argument/conversation, I could see the common sense and the reasoning that would be best for all , but I couldn't bring myself to use it within my argument because it was not aligned with my self interest of avoiding work, I couldn't use that argument because it would mean that next time I would have to stand by it, and I wasn't willing to do so within the hidden self interest desire to avoid work.
So, the feeling that I was right in this situation can be looked at within the analogy of making enough mistakes in a mathematical equation, and ending up with the correct answer - that doesn't make one right, because it's not only about the conclusion / final result, it's about the way, it's about how you got to it, you have to be able to walk through all the steps of the equation and have all steps be valid - and so within our situation for all steps to be valid they need to be clear of self interest and in all way reflect the solution that is best for all, one must look at what was the starting point through out the entire "thought process" that made one come to a specific conclusion/opinion, and make sure all points along the way were valid, as considering all within the equation and reflecting a solution based on reasoning that is best for all life - so it's really not about what I say as my opinion, it's about who am I within the starting point of what I am saying - if I would stand as best for all, and consider all in the equation, my argument would be valid, and it would come across better - part of the reason I wasn't clear was because I was trying to make my point within hiding the self interest because I realize it isn't a valid argument, so the entire communication was off…
Ok cool, tomorrow self forgiveness, stay tuned
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Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Working - all my life I knew that working is a hassle, no one really
wants to work, people work because they have to, and I have been
avoiding work all my life, as much as I can, whether it's cleaning my
room as a child, or apartment as I grew up, whether it's doing my home
work for school, or assignments for university, whether it's holding a
nine to five job or any "real" job for that matter, anything that I
perceived to be a hassle, not from my own personal experience but from
observing others around me as family, friends, television shows - I have
tried to avoid, so in essence I never gave myself a chance to see who I am within it, I always simply defined myself within the personality of "I don't like to work".
Since I have defined myself within the "I don't like to work" personality, I have been doing what I can to avoid it, and to do so I have compromised myself, I have participated in manipulations, I have used others to do things for me - within this I expected other to experience it in the same way, so I have been suspicious and judgmental towards others as I perceive them to be avoiding work, cutting corners, slacking off, getting out of the responsibility they should be doing.
When I have been in a working environment I always was alert to make sure I am not being taken advantage of, because that's what people do, as I do, they will manipulate the situation to do as little as possible and then I will be stuck with doing all the work - and this was unacceptable - so I had to be even more manipulative to be sure I am not being coned as I am busy conning the others, to be sure that I am not doing more than anybody else, that we are equal, when in fact I really always made sure that the worst case scenario would be that we do equal work, the better scenario would be that I am the one doing less than others
So, within the belief that working is something that needs to be avoided, as a given fact, I have existed as a neurotic being, living in the anticipation of someone manipulating me and making me do all the work, which I would hate, because that's how it is - "I hate work". So I find myself looking, hunting, to catch others as they slack off and expect me to do the work, as they "innocently" give me more to do while they "sit around" - I have been interpreting people in such a way that would prove me right, I have concluded, without having the full picture, that they are doing exactly that which I would like to do, and then I judge and blame them and resent them for it. Talk about hypocrisy…
The funny thing is, that when I give myself a chance to explore work, I find that I actually enjoy it, when I allow myself to step out of the character of "I don't like working" I find that through working I expand, I'm alive, I'm learning, I'm contributing, I'm in action - I mean, anything can be defined as work, anything that one decides to do, any responsibility one choses to take on, and it's just about how one perceive it once the decision has been made - it can be seen as a hassle or it can be simply done as a decision, without any emotional/energetic charge to it - simply doing what needs to be done, while breathing, and living, and even enjoying it - I mean, if it needs to be done, and if I am going to do it, then I might as well take it in, and enjoy myself - I would be crazy not to, it is insane to do something while going on in my mind about how I am screwed, and how I hate it, and basically to have a pity party in one's mind, instead of being here, in the physical reality, where things need to be done for things to happen, and to enjoy the fact that I can do them, I can contribute - I am a part of this world, I am breathing this air - why would I want to give back whatever and whenever I can?
So, I've been living within an idea that I don't like work and I should try to do as little as possible, and within this I believe everybody wants to do as little as possible so I look for their manipulation, and blame them that every thing they do is to manipulate and get out of doing the work, within this I haven't allowed myself to see that self honestly I am doing that very thing - obviously this has been causing conflict and friction in my life, within myself as an inner experience, and within my relationships, as I have blamed and played the "fare game"
I realize I must align myself with what is best for all life as myself, thus, I need to change my starting point towards work, I realize I have 24 hours in a day no matter what I do in it - what does it matter if I work or sit around or watch a TV series - I am here and breathing through any activity, the only difference between them is a point of preference based on a value system that I have never questioned and simply accepted from my environment - and I've seen that when I stop the back chat about not liking work I find that I actually enjoy working, so I need to clear out the idea of trying to get out of work, to clear out the back chat so that I can be here as I do whatever is required to be done.
Within this, I realize that I have spending lots of time/energy within thoughts trying to figure out what others are doing, how long are they doing it and making sure that I don't do any more than anyone else, and then, when I catch others within what I perceive/interpret to be slacking off, I use it as a justification to slack off myself -"is they are slacking off, why should I do all the work, that's not fare, I'll show them, I won't do as much either" - instead of standing one and equal within myself and honoring myself within the agreement I have made to do the task at hand regardless of what anyone else is doing - it's not about them, it's about me - if I am in a situation that I obviously chose to be in, to honor and respect myself would be to do what I have committed myself to do, and not create back chat which just create conflict and friction within myself and my relationships with those around me- if I've committed to do something then that's what I'll do, even if every one else is not, and if I need to work a little harder or if more time is necessary to complete a task, I'll do it - not because anybody is taking advantage of me, but because I have made a directive decision to do something and I will not dishonor myself as life by not standing one and equal to/as my decision - so I mustn't compare myself and define who I will be according to who others are, especially when I judge them and blame them and basically project all of my shit onto them, and then use my perception of their behavior as justification to do the exact same thing I am judging the for.
I realize that the only way that I will ever live as self honor/respect/dignity is if I actually honor myself and not do that which I judge, live as a living example of "give as you would like to receive", "do onto others as you would like being done onto you", love thy neighbor as yourself" - and it start with honoring my own commitments, towards myself and towards others and simply do what I said I would do, while simply breathing, one breath at a time, and doing what can be done in each breath - no back chat, no energy, no reaction, no judgment, no comparison, no competition, no blame - just living as breath and walking the physical in the most practical way, within directing myself and honoring my own self direction.
Within this construct of not liking to work, there is another point of justification to not enjoying work, and it is within another self created personality, as I have defined myself as someone that likes working together and doesn't like working alone -I realize that this is self limitation - if I am doing something it shouldn't matter what anybody else is doing, yes, it's nice to have company and work together can have it's benefits - working together can be a preference, but that's all it is, a preference, it shouldn't be a point of self limitation as self sabotage - it should direct my experience of myself, I shouldn't allow myself to be directed by a preference - I realize that all it is, is a preference -so when it happens in such a way - cool, but within realizing I am here and stable either way - if I don't get my preference met and I end up working alone, that should be just as cool - nothing of such a sort should move me within energy and reaction, I mustn't allow it to direct me - I have seen and experienced for myself that the outflow of allowing myself to be directed by preferences instead of directing myself as what is best for all within practicality is destructive - why would I allow it?
I will continue with this point in my next blog
Thanks
Since I have defined myself within the "I don't like to work" personality, I have been doing what I can to avoid it, and to do so I have compromised myself, I have participated in manipulations, I have used others to do things for me - within this I expected other to experience it in the same way, so I have been suspicious and judgmental towards others as I perceive them to be avoiding work, cutting corners, slacking off, getting out of the responsibility they should be doing.
When I have been in a working environment I always was alert to make sure I am not being taken advantage of, because that's what people do, as I do, they will manipulate the situation to do as little as possible and then I will be stuck with doing all the work - and this was unacceptable - so I had to be even more manipulative to be sure I am not being coned as I am busy conning the others, to be sure that I am not doing more than anybody else, that we are equal, when in fact I really always made sure that the worst case scenario would be that we do equal work, the better scenario would be that I am the one doing less than others
So, within the belief that working is something that needs to be avoided, as a given fact, I have existed as a neurotic being, living in the anticipation of someone manipulating me and making me do all the work, which I would hate, because that's how it is - "I hate work". So I find myself looking, hunting, to catch others as they slack off and expect me to do the work, as they "innocently" give me more to do while they "sit around" - I have been interpreting people in such a way that would prove me right, I have concluded, without having the full picture, that they are doing exactly that which I would like to do, and then I judge and blame them and resent them for it. Talk about hypocrisy…
The funny thing is, that when I give myself a chance to explore work, I find that I actually enjoy it, when I allow myself to step out of the character of "I don't like working" I find that through working I expand, I'm alive, I'm learning, I'm contributing, I'm in action - I mean, anything can be defined as work, anything that one decides to do, any responsibility one choses to take on, and it's just about how one perceive it once the decision has been made - it can be seen as a hassle or it can be simply done as a decision, without any emotional/energetic charge to it - simply doing what needs to be done, while breathing, and living, and even enjoying it - I mean, if it needs to be done, and if I am going to do it, then I might as well take it in, and enjoy myself - I would be crazy not to, it is insane to do something while going on in my mind about how I am screwed, and how I hate it, and basically to have a pity party in one's mind, instead of being here, in the physical reality, where things need to be done for things to happen, and to enjoy the fact that I can do them, I can contribute - I am a part of this world, I am breathing this air - why would I want to give back whatever and whenever I can?
So, I've been living within an idea that I don't like work and I should try to do as little as possible, and within this I believe everybody wants to do as little as possible so I look for their manipulation, and blame them that every thing they do is to manipulate and get out of doing the work, within this I haven't allowed myself to see that self honestly I am doing that very thing - obviously this has been causing conflict and friction in my life, within myself as an inner experience, and within my relationships, as I have blamed and played the "fare game"
I realize I must align myself with what is best for all life as myself, thus, I need to change my starting point towards work, I realize I have 24 hours in a day no matter what I do in it - what does it matter if I work or sit around or watch a TV series - I am here and breathing through any activity, the only difference between them is a point of preference based on a value system that I have never questioned and simply accepted from my environment - and I've seen that when I stop the back chat about not liking work I find that I actually enjoy working, so I need to clear out the idea of trying to get out of work, to clear out the back chat so that I can be here as I do whatever is required to be done.
Within this, I realize that I have spending lots of time/energy within thoughts trying to figure out what others are doing, how long are they doing it and making sure that I don't do any more than anyone else, and then, when I catch others within what I perceive/interpret to be slacking off, I use it as a justification to slack off myself -"is they are slacking off, why should I do all the work, that's not fare, I'll show them, I won't do as much either" - instead of standing one and equal within myself and honoring myself within the agreement I have made to do the task at hand regardless of what anyone else is doing - it's not about them, it's about me - if I am in a situation that I obviously chose to be in, to honor and respect myself would be to do what I have committed myself to do, and not create back chat which just create conflict and friction within myself and my relationships with those around me- if I've committed to do something then that's what I'll do, even if every one else is not, and if I need to work a little harder or if more time is necessary to complete a task, I'll do it - not because anybody is taking advantage of me, but because I have made a directive decision to do something and I will not dishonor myself as life by not standing one and equal to/as my decision - so I mustn't compare myself and define who I will be according to who others are, especially when I judge them and blame them and basically project all of my shit onto them, and then use my perception of their behavior as justification to do the exact same thing I am judging the for.
I realize that the only way that I will ever live as self honor/respect/dignity is if I actually honor myself and not do that which I judge, live as a living example of "give as you would like to receive", "do onto others as you would like being done onto you", love thy neighbor as yourself" - and it start with honoring my own commitments, towards myself and towards others and simply do what I said I would do, while simply breathing, one breath at a time, and doing what can be done in each breath - no back chat, no energy, no reaction, no judgment, no comparison, no competition, no blame - just living as breath and walking the physical in the most practical way, within directing myself and honoring my own self direction.
Within this construct of not liking to work, there is another point of justification to not enjoying work, and it is within another self created personality, as I have defined myself as someone that likes working together and doesn't like working alone -I realize that this is self limitation - if I am doing something it shouldn't matter what anybody else is doing, yes, it's nice to have company and work together can have it's benefits - working together can be a preference, but that's all it is, a preference, it shouldn't be a point of self limitation as self sabotage - it should direct my experience of myself, I shouldn't allow myself to be directed by a preference - I realize that all it is, is a preference -so when it happens in such a way - cool, but within realizing I am here and stable either way - if I don't get my preference met and I end up working alone, that should be just as cool - nothing of such a sort should move me within energy and reaction, I mustn't allow it to direct me - I have seen and experienced for myself that the outflow of allowing myself to be directed by preferences instead of directing myself as what is best for all within practicality is destructive - why would I allow it?
I will continue with this point in my next blog
Thanks
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