Showing posts with label justification. Show all posts
Showing posts with label justification. Show all posts
Saturday, March 16, 2013
this is a continuation of my previous blog:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
A must hear:
Where does Self-Judgment come from – from the World around us, or from our own Imaginations?
Has your Self Image negatively influenced your life? Here we discuss How Self Judgment takes over every aspect of your Life, Thoughts and experiences.
Why would we say things to ourselves that we would never dare to say to another?
Why do we feel like we deserve to be punished through our own self judgment and how does the media contribute to this feeling?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within an idea that I am not capable and believe this idea to be the truth of me, instead of realizing that I am using this idea as an excuse to get out of my responsibilities, and thus, I prefer to see myself as inadequate, as powerless, rather than admitting that I am deliberately not taking the responsibility that is mine to take, within living and existing within / as self interest as only doing that which I please at the moment and not considering anything and anyone beyond the reach of my momentary satisfaction / enjoyment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer seeing myself as inadequate rather than admitting that I just don't care - don't care enough about myself to push myself, to motivate myself, and to direct myself to be all that I can be, so instead I have created myself within the belief that I simply cannot, that I am not good enough, that I cannot expand, learn and prefect myself, that I cannot free myself from the limitations of the mind - as I'd rather believe I cannot than admit that I simply won't - and thus, in time I have forgotten this self manipulation and actually believe that I cannot, and from this point on I can pretend that I care, that I want to change, that I want to expand and free myself from the mind's limitations, that I want to direct myself in self honesty as what is best for all in equality and oneness - but I simply cannot - thus, completing the enslavement, the entrapment of the mind - giving in to this endless spiral of accepted limitation, instead of standing up within this realization and not allowing this to go on, within seeing and realizing the self abuse that I am inflicting upon myself, and the deliberate disregard of what is going on within me and around me to continue within this self created game - just to get out of pushing, putting in the effort, working hard towards actually changing myself and living as an example of that which I want to believe that I care about.
I realize that believing that I care for equality and oneness as what is best for all is empty words, is a lie each time it is spoken, as long as I don't back it up with physical actions, with actual physical doing - thus, I realize that as long as I don't stop myself from participating in this pattern of self defeat, as long as I continue entertaining my mind within believing myself to be inadequate, as long as I don't push myself with all the force I have within me, to change, to walk, to write, to live, I cannot speak of what is best for all in equality and oneness, as I am not even living it as myself, I am not even pushing nor trying to live it as myself - thus, existing within inner conflict as the manifestation of separation, the opposite of that which I claim I am walking towards as equality and oneness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as this inner conflict where on the one hand I see the common sense in walking the principle of equality and oneness, I see the common sense in creating a system that is best for all, I see how I have been enslaved to the mind in limitation and fear, I see all this and want to put an end to it, and on the other hand, instead of standing up within myself, and pushing myself in the physical reality to actually get myself sorted out, I simply don't, I don't within the justification as a belief that I am inadequate, a belief of self doubt, of fear, while all these accepted beliefs are actually hiding my reluctance of getting my hands dirty, of doing some hard physical labor, as writing, as facing myself, as walking through the resistance breath by breath in seeing all that I have become, as doing what needs to be done to change myself, to correct myself, to move myself to become that which I want to become, and thus I hide from myself the actuality of myself as not caring enough about myself to actually push myself to do that which is in self honesty, in my best interest to do, and instead I do that which is actually self harming and abusive as allowing myself to diminish myself in self deception, as I exist in the belief of inadequacy while seeing my goals of bettering myself fade away.
I realize that only I can make the decision to change myself
I realize that only I can push myself to change myself
I realize that only I can change myself
I realize that once I allow myself to participate in my mind as thoughts / back chat it is already "too late" as I am already in the process of giving up, and thus, I realize that I must stop myself before it's "too late"
Within this, I realize that every moment is a new moment and thus, even though I have allowed it to be "too late" many times before, in each new moment I have the opportunity to stop myself and support myself in writing, self forgiveness, as practical application, every moment I can make the decision to stop participating in the deceptive self belief that I cannot, within realizing that in order to care about myself I must act in correlation of self care - "fake it until you make it" sort of thing, because I know within myself that I do care about myself yet I have programmed myself in such separation that I have lost contact with this self care, self love, self nurturing, self acceptance, and thus, I realize that as part of changing myself in the physical reality, I must ask myself "what would I do in this moment to support myself in practice of self care?" and to act on the self honest answer that I find within myself
I realize at first it will seem like I'm not aligned with myself, but it's true, I am not aligned with myself, how can I be if I have been abusing myself in self judgment and self belittlement for years
When and as I see myself drifting in thoughts of resistance, I stop myself and breathe, I realize I am standing at a point of decision and I ask myself what would I do if I were to care for myself enough to support myself, in order to give myself direction - and I follow my own direction.
When and as I see myself deliberately sabotaging myself as not doing that which would be most beneficial and supportive for me to do, I stop myself and breathe, I remind myself that I am here, I am my only existence, and if I don't care for myself and won't support myself no one will, I remind myself that all the love that I seek, and all the approval that I look for in others exist within myself if I only allow myself to give myself self care, self love, if I only allow myself to support myself.
I commit myself to be gentle with myself, to nurture myself into health so to speak, as up until now I have not been self supportive, I have been neglecting myself, I have been abusing myself - I commit myself to establish self care through writing and exposing myself to myself, as to, within and through the guilt and shame of not caring for myself, find my way back to myself as self care, self support and self love.
I commit myself, within realizing that equality and oneness must start with self first, that as long as I am not one and equal within and as myself, whereas self sabotage / abuse stems from separation and exists as inequality - I cannot expect to see equality and oneness anywhere externally - and thus I realize that I must live as an example that equality and oneness as what is best for all life is possible, because only through living the principle for and as myself can I be truly confidant that this change is possible, and as long as I don't live it as myself it exist only as an idea / belief, thus, to make it a reality, to birth life into equality and oneness I must live it as myself - this is my responsibility.
when and as i see myself going into the energetic experience of wanting to quite / give up within an experience of overwhelmingness where thoughts of inadequacy come up, i stop myself and breathe and direct myself to write at least one statement of self forgiveness as to support myself to get out of the funk, to return to myself here as the physical in writing, and to from there push myself to stand, to do something that is of self support, whether physical movement such as stretches, or writing, or simply sitting down and doing that which i have been avoiding – either way – whenever i see myself going into the state of resistance as self doubt / diminishment – i commit myself to do within breath, at least one physical action of self support and from there to push myself further, one breath at a time
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Sunday, December 30, 2012
This is a continuation from my previous blogs:
Day 129 – Self Judgment – Part 1
Day 130 - Self judgment - Part 2 - Appearance
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in self judgment for not looking like the image I have in my mind as the ideal way to look, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to question this image in my mind as how it got there and at what point in my life did I accept it as the condition for my own self acceptance, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue holding onto the ideal beauty idea even though I see how if effects me directly as I use it as justification to judge and diminish myself, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go the ideal beauty image within the realization that I, nor anyone, is actually defined as who we are according to our appearance, and thus there is no common sense to give value to someone's appearance, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist without any common sense and continue feeding the ideal of beauty ideal instead of standing up for life and not accepting such an ideal to exist within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the ideal beauty I have seen in the media and society as my own, and within that have allowed myself to judge others when they don't fit the ideal, thus accepting and allowing myself to judge others as a projection of my own self judgment and fear of being judged by others as I have not accepted myself as equal to and one with my appearance and thus I judge others to justify to myself my own self judgment, instead of realizing the abusive nature of judgment and simply not allowing it to exist within and as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, instead of stopping the judgment within me, towards myself and towards others, I have allowed myself to take joy in judging others because I have allowed it to give me a sense of relief as not only I am not perfect but others are not perfect as well, and thus through judging others I accepted my own self judgment and believed self limitation within believing that I am defined by my appearance and since I have judged it as lacking I have believed myself to be lacking, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do so, instead of stopping myself as the judgment within realizing that I am not defined by what I look like, as that is self diminishment to compare myself and others as living beings to a one dimensional image, as I know from my own experience that who I am is not aligned with my appearance, though how I see myself within the relationship I have with myself is the basis of who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others based on how we look within placing myself as more or less than them depending on how close or far we are to the ideal I have created and accepted as an image in my mind, and thus if someone is further away from the ideal I will see myself as more than them, superior, and experience an uplifting energetic experience and will experience momentarily self acceptance, and if someone is closer to the ideal as I am I will see myself as less than them, inferior and experience a self judgment and will not accept myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed, as how I experience myself, by a point of comparison between me and others, not realizing that I, as how I am have not changed, yet I allow my experience to change according to people changing in my environment, instead of allowing myself to be equal to and as myself and remain stable, here as breath, regardless of who is around, and specifically regardless of the comparison I have created in my mind as a means to define myself, as to know how I should feel about myself accordingly, thus existing in total separation of/from myself as I need external stimuli to dictate who I allow myself to be in the moment, as self acceptance or self judgment .
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others and allow myself experience of myself to be directed by the judgment I make towards myself and others in relation to myself, not realizing that this is all done within the mind, as I do not change my appearance when I am around different people, yet I allow the comparison within my mind to change my experience of myself, as I go from a high to a low depending on who is around me and how much closer or further they are from the ideal image I have created in my mind.
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Sunday, October 28, 2012
This blog is a follow up from my previous blog
Day 69 - Friendship - Part 11 – Spitefulness – Part 1
Day 70 - Spitefulness - Part 2 - Self Forgiveness
Day 71 - Spitefulness - Part 3 - Self Commitments
Day 72 – Spitefulness – Part 4 – More Characters – Self Forgiveness
Day 73 - Spitefulness - Part 5 – Self Commitments
I realize this is just the tip of the ice burg since all these characters are a whole construct within themselves, and thus in this spitefulness series blog I am just referring to how the relate directly to spitefulness, though I realize that in time I will investigate each of them individually as to be able to stop them and the outflow of spitefulness more effectively.
Judgment - Being corrected - Not trusting - Fair game - Being miss treated
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within/as judgment, where I scan a persons looks/behavior/words and place a judgment on them as good/bad, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself judge their looks/behavior/words based on an accepted social norm as a value system without having investigated the implications of such social norms as value system, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the social norms as a guide line to what/how things/people should be and when I find someone stepping out of these lines I judge them for it, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spite that which I judge as a way to establish perceived order in the social norm and value system that is being disrupted by these being which I judge, in other words, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spite that which I judge within allowing myself to be the judge and place the punishment for the disruption of order, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use spite as a form of retaliation towards that which is not aligned with the social norm that I have accepted as my own
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this judgment as a point of comparison as a way to define myself as better/worse than the person I am judging and thus to place my self definition on how I perceive others to be and how I compare to them, while not seeing the mirror dimension within the judgment construct, as I am seeing in them that which I believe I lack in myself, or that which I judge within myself, thus not allowing myself to see that the judgment is actually showing me back to myself and not really indicating anything about the other, within not allowing myself to realize this point, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go from judgment/comparison/self definition to spitefulness towards the other being, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the judgment and thus to believe the comparison as self definition, and within believing myself to be inferior/superior to the other being I allow myself to spite them as a way to enforce my power over them, either in my mind as thoughts or in actuality as words/actions, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resort to spitefulness as a point of actually wanting/desiring to harm/hurt/abuse this being based on the judgment I have placed and in complete disregard of them as the totality of them as life as equal to me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within/as a negative energetic reaction when being corrected, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spite the being that is correcting me because I have taken the correction personally, as if they have corrected me to spite me, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the circumstances as how others communicate with me, and to allow myself to react to their words, as I take it personally and believe that I have done something wrong and should thus be ashamed instead of looking at the point and seeing within common sense if I can in fact correct myself within it, within the negative experience of shame I blame the other being for creating this experience within me, not realizing that I am self responsible for all allowed experiences within/as myself, and thus within believing they are to blame for my bad feeling I spite them in my mind/words/actions, wanting to hurt/harm them as to retaliate for the bad experience they gave me, thus doing onto them the very thing I took personally within believing they corrected me within spite
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spite beings that I don't trust, as a form of self protection, in the sense of not trusting what they say or how they behave, within believing they have hidden agendas and thus within the fear of being conned I spite them not realizing that in fact I am showing myself that I don't trust myself to, in every moment, be able to see the common sense of the situation and direct myself accordingly, thus I project the lack of self trust onto them, as I fear trusting them, and within living in this fear I am spiteful towards them. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe others should be trust worthy when I haven't allowed myself yet to build trust within myself, and thus as I don't trust others I am reminded of not trusting myself and thus I am spiteful towards the for "putting me" in this position of seeing myself as lack of self trust
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the "fair game" where I believe I am being wronged/exploited and thus believe it to not be fair, within believing "this isn't fair" I blame the other being for participating/creating the unfair situation and thus I spite them for that, allowing myself to think nasty thought about how they are doing me wrong, and allow myself to speak nasty words and act in nasty behaviors within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when perceiving someone has done me wrong to allow myself to do wrong unto them within my thoughts/words/actions and thus not live up to my own expectations of another, and not live up to the value/principle of living as what is best for all, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be supportive of another as myself only if they are worthy of it within my interpretation, and if they are un fair I deem them unworthy and allow myself to spite them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive situations as if I am Being miss treated, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take other people's behaviors personally within expecting them to treat me a=in a certain way that I have defined as good/nice, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be here as breath no matter what and instead I have allowed myself to manipulate myself into emotional energetic reactions when I perceive someone is mistreating me, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn to spitefulness and deliberately allow myself to miss treat others in my thoughts/words and actions as I believe they are doing to me, not realizing that by participating within/as spitefulness I am creating and recreating the cycle of abuse, instead of allowing myself to through communication and in regards to the other being in the situation, support myself and the other to clear up the point and put it on the table, so to speak, instead of going at it in my mind, that in turn effect my actions/behavior as I allow myself to treat another how I wouldn't want to be treated myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use spitefulness as a tool to pay back all of those who I blame to have done me wrong, not realizing that by participating within spitefulness I am not standing in alignment within/as myself as I do onto another the very thing I do not want them to do onto me, this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use justifications for allowing myself to be spiteful as I realize that there is no excuse, and no justification that validates being spiteful/nasty/evil towards another, within this I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see and consider that every time I am being spiteful towards another I am actually spiteful towards myself as I deliberately hurt/abuse myself within participating with the mind and thus separating me from myself, as well as creating the obvious consequences of regretting my participation within spitefulness within creating within me an experience of shame, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop spitefulness within the realization that nothing good can come out of it, all I am doing within spitefulness is feeding my addiction to energy through believing the justifications and validating and allowing myself to spite others to then spite myself within shame and regret and within allowing myself to exist in a misalignment within myself as I am allowing myself to do that which I judge as evil
For Further Support, Please check out Links:
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
continue from previous blogs:
Day 51 – Blame character – Part 1
Day 52 - Blame character - Part 2 - Reacting to Tonality - Self Forgiveness
Day 53 - Blame character - Part 3 - Reacting to Tonality - Self Commitments
Day 54 - Blame Character - Part 4 - Being Repeatedly Attacked – Self Forgiveness
I commit myself to as long as I experience myself as being abused, to continue investigating within self honesty the points of reaction within myself as I have realized that I am responsible for all/any reaction/emotions/feelings I experience and thus to, through self honest investigation, stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to react within the mind, to bring myself back here as life within breath in every moment
I commit myself , when experiencing myself being attacked, to stop myself and breathe, to evaluate the situation within common sense and consideration of the physical reality, and not allow myself to exist within/as the mind as interpretations/thoughts/ideas as coping mechanism to defend my various characters, within this I commit myself, when realizing I am experiencing myself being repeatedly attacked, to stop myself within breath, through realizing that I am creating this to myself through my participation within/as the mind, and thus abusing myself, within this I commit myself to take a physical action to stop/solve the self abuse, where I firstly write myself out within self forgiveness to clear point out, AND if I find it to be necessary I commit myself to communication with the other being that is part of the situation, in order to, through communication, build a base for supportive/effective relationship
I commit myself to support myself through breath, where I see myself participating within/as the mind as blame and self victimizing, to stop myself as I realize this is a path of self abuse, I breathe, I bring myself back here to my physical body, and I apply common sense to find a practical solution through writing about the point within myself and through communication with the other
I commit myself to, instead of using a coping mechanism such as desensitizing myself or losing track of what is important, to support myself through writing, as I open up the point within/as myself to see how I have created/participated within the situation and to through the desteni tools of self forgiveness and correcting statements to teach myself how to direct myself within such situations to avoid falling into the same patterns of self abuse again
I commit myself to not allow myself to desensitize, where I have accepted myself as a victim and desensitizing is my only solution, no! I commit myself to bringing myself back here through/as my senses, and thus I commit myself , if/when I see myself go back to the coping mechanism of desensitizing myself, to stop myself within breath, I breathe, and look at the situation through my physical senses, and apply common sense, and build my self trust through each moment of actually looking at, and experiencing the physical reality. Within this I commit myself to use the experience of being repeatedly attacked as a gift that is showing me that I have distant myself from myself far enough and it is time to get back home, to myself, and thus I use it as a guide line showing me the way back to myself
I commit myself to be here, as stopping memories of the past, stopping myself within breath when I see myself participating within/as past memories, I commit myself to through a process of writing and bringing up memories within self forgiveness, to stop using memories of the past as justifications for my reactions, as showing me that I am right because it happened once before, No! I have realized that participating in past memories is a construct, separating me from myself into the mind where I cannot be trusted, thus I stop myself, I breathe, I bring myself back here, again and again, until I am no longer directed by memories
I commit myself to use blame as a gift showing me where I have fallen into the mind, thus when I see myself participate within back chat as blame I stop myself immediately and breathe, I remind myself that only I am responsible for my shitty experience and thus I am responsible for changing it, i realize it will take a process and is up to me through dedication and consistency to see it through, thus I commit myself to learn and understand how I have created the situation/experience through self dedication within applying the tools of writing/self forgiveness/self corrective statements, to set myself free of the chains I have put on myself through my acceptances and allowances, and to bring myself back to self as a living being, within/as breath, here as life.
For Further Support, Please check out Links:
Thursday, October 4, 2012
This blog is a follow up from yesterday's blog: Day 49 – Stable or Superior?
I will address this point from both side of the polarity as I have realized that "it takes two to tango" but in fact I have been dancing with myself in my mind as participating/creating myself as both characters within this dance, so to speak.
I have realized that any reactions exist in me and comes solely from my mind, thus – the other is never actually doing anything to me in fact, but only mirroring myself back to self, as it is all a projection of what I am allowing to take place in my mind. Within this I realize that when I react to another, whether by being the superior/authority/in control character or being the inferior/submissive/suppressed character, either way any reaction within me towards another is a point I must investigate within my SELF as it doesn't really have to do with the other personally, because it is all created within/as self
So, here I am starting the process of taking responsibility for both sides of the coin as I realized it doesn't matter in which side I participate, I have created both in my mind, and am participating as both internally and externally.
Self forgiveness as the superior
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create stability as an idea in my mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself as stable to cover up within suppression that I am actually reacting within myself through participating within superiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to crave stability to such an extent that I will lie to myself as being stable, within hope that "if I fake it I'll make it", not realizing that by doing so I am ignoring and suppressing the point within me that still fear being inferior and unstable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself as stable while I am participating within superiority, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my stable stance and thus project onto the other that they are reacting when in fact I am reacting within acting/walking within fear of losing myself as stable, not realizing that stability within fear is stability of the mind and as such is a mind manipulation keeping me from seeing the actual point of fear, as fear of survival of the personality I have created myself as
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confuse stability with power/control, and within that to direct onto others an expression of power/control within believing that I am expressing and experiencing stability, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the idea I have of stability to hide from myself the desire/addiction I have created within myself towards power/control and within that to allow myself to continue existing within such constructs instead of allowing myself to let go the idea of stability and to allow myself to simply be within and as breath, and communicate from a starting point of breath and self support and not of fear of losing myself as stability or the desire to be right as a point of self justification
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate myself within the starting point I exist as, and instead to allow myself to continue as I am even though my environment is indicating to me that I am communicating within/as power/control, thus I commit myself to when the environment is showing me myself back to myself, I stop myself within breath and check to see if what they are saying is valid from perspective of taking it as a gift to investigate and see myself further/deeper, and not automatically reject what is being said within fear of losing the stability I have created myself as
I commit myself to when being corrected/criticized by others to not take it personally, but instead to investigate the point within practicality - are they showing me a point I am allowing myself to exist as and yet to have seen myself within it? Or are they projecting onto me their fears/patterns/beliefs and if so I will not be influenced by it? Thus I commit myself to be the directive principle within/as myself and to allow myself to look at all that is presented to me as what is here within equality, that is, I commit myself to investigate unconditionally all points WITHIN MYSELF that I react to when/as another is in reaction within themselves as I see it is a manipulation to keep me from actual self investigation within self honesty, thus I commit myself again, to investigate every point that comes my way, to allow myself to bring the point here as myself within/as breath and to actually place it within/as myself and have a look at what is going on inside of me in regards to any energetic movement, I commit myself to do this until I am certain that I am clear within/as every point, and if/when I see myself react/participate in any point as pattern of the mind, I stop myself within/as breath, and push myself to let go that pattern within investigating it's cause/origin/play out... until I am clear of all patterns and can trust myself as life, as living here in the moment, as the moment of breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to communicate in a harsh/tough way to others within believing myself to be stable and proving to myself my stability through the way I communicate as harsh/tough/direct, while not allowing myself to see that my communication is not supporting the other as equal, and thus within not communicating within consideration of supporting the other, I am actually proving to myself that I am not in fact stable but am participating with superiority
I commit myself to use communication as an indication to check myself within, if my communication is creating and energetic experience, positive or negative within myself or the other, I stop myself within/as breath and check my starting point within self honesty, am I being direct or am I being controlling? Am I being stable or am I being superior?
I commit myself to build myself as self honesty, to develop myself as self honesty as I realize self honesty is the only tool I can trust, it first needs to be build as self trust… thus I commit myself to myself within building/birthing myself as self honesty, so I can see/face myself and actually change as what is best for all
I commit myself to push myself within my communication, and to make it a point to myself to communicate within awareness and support, within this I commit myself to teach myself the art of effective communication through trial and error, thus I commit myself to investigate myself within communication within actually applying myself in the physical to find out who I am within communication, and to build myself up as a being that uses communication as support for all as one as equal
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself within superiority within communication with another instead of allowing myself to take the opportunity to support the other as equals, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to the feeling of being "more than", and within that create and hold on to that feeling through speaking in a superior/harsh way to the other instead of practicing humbleness within stability and thus supporting both me and the other within our process
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse others within participating as superior while manipulating myself and the other to believe that I am stable and thus an authority, and within being an authority, point my finger at the other, as if only the other has to clear themselves from the reaction of inferiority, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "pray on the weak" as in finding the one in the group that will "fall for my act" and apply it on them, within creating a situation where I can deliberately act out my superiority as stability, and not get caught as I have found the weakest link and they are bound to believe me because they see themselves as inferior already, and thus I support their mind fuck as they support mine instead of supporting each other to step out of this mind game once and for all and actually stand as equals to/as life
Self forgiveness as the inferior
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to people when I perceive them going into authority/bossiness and thus not allow myself to be self directive but to be dependent on my perception of other people's expression instead of being stable within/as myself in every moment, independently of what is going on around me, simply being here, within/as breath, stable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when the being at hand is not perceived as an authority, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to actually make a decision within myself as to whom can talk to me in a certain way while others can't, with some I will react within anger and with others not, within this I have not allowed myself to investigate what exactly it is that I am allowing myself to react to, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame/judge others for their expression instead of finding out within myself what exactly is the trigger point of my reaction, based on how I have judged the person to be more/less than me, as a base of my acceptance of how they talk
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive some people as authoritative and thus when communicating with such people to react within inferiority, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect authority with superiority and haven't considered that authority can simply be related to being well educated/experienced/informed about a specific topic and does not actually define one as superior, as I realize superiority is only existent within one's mind as a construct and not in fact existent within the physical reality, instead of realizing that I have created this construct of inferiority/superiority in my mind while in reality I am simply in communication with another being
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define some people as authoritative while other not, depending on some specific characteristics that I have connected with authority, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within/as inferior when communicating with people I have defined as authoritative instead of realizing that I have created the point of inferiority within my mind, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent/blame the other for "creating this experience within myself" while not allowing myself to take responsibility within realizing that only I can create any experience within me and thus no one is to blame and only I am responsible for allowing myself to participate within/as inferiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the game of inferiority/superiority in my mind and to then project it on to my environment depending on who has the specific characteristics that are aligned with the definition I have created the character as, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide this from myself and instead to exist within blame towards the other as the creator of the situation, within doing so enhancing/participating with the construct/game of superiority/inferiority as believing they are more creators/responsible for the situation than me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react differently depending on who I am communicating with, where I define some people as deserving to express themselves as authority/superior and others not, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger when people that I have defined as not deserving to be an authority express themselves in ways that I perceive as superior while not react when those that I perceive as deserving, because I accept them as such, to express themselves as superior instead of allowing myself to be here within breath and consider all as equal beings communicating, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define/judge others as deserving to be an authority or not based on my ideas/beliefs I have accepted, and I didn't take into consideration that within this I am declaring myself the authority as deciding who can express in which way, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to perceive myself to be an authority to other's as a point of superiority within myself, while blaming/judging them for being superior, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself from my own participation within superiority as judging other's expressions as the authority that calls the shots through blaming/judging them for participating in superiority - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize within the situation that self is always pointing back to self, and thus all projections I have onto others I must first allow myself to investigate within/as myself within self honesty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as they express themselves within stability because I am jealousy of their stability within a belief that I am not capable of such stability. Within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to brake down their stability as the only option I know to stop the competition within myself as I am sure to lose due to self belief of being instable, and thus I brake the other's stability within believing them to be acting within superiority so that I can reassure myself that I am not the only one still reacting within my mind, thus instead of supporting myself and walking my process within the self direction to actually see myself in fact, I have made it about the other person, within competition/comparison, within defining myself according to what the other is experiencing within themselves, not realizing that it is a self manipulation to distract myself form myself
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath each time I see myself going in my mind as evaluating if the one infornt of me is reacting or stable, within that not focusing on myself but on them, and allowing myself to be in my mind as backchat as judgment -
I commit myself to stop myself within as the backchat as judgment through writing them out one by one until I have seen the entire construct of my thoughts, and thus be able to stop them within/as breath, until slowly but surly I will not be directed/influenced by my thoughts as back chat and can be here within/as breath and actually experience/express myself as life
Sunday, September 30, 2012
this is a follow up to my previous blogs:
Day 44 - Depression - Part 2 - The Cycle of Worthlessness
Day 45 - Depression - Part 3 - Positive Reinforcement
Self Forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dependent on positive reinforcement to be able to assess myself and recognize if I'm on the right track, within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself within not trusting myself to know within myself within/as self honesty if I'm in the "right direction" so to speak
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect to receive positive reinforcement when I do things as I should and I haven't realized the impracticality of such an expectation, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the world doesn't revolve around me and thus when I do things as I should there isn't a committee set up to applaud me, within this I realize I have been programmed to believe I am special and loved through positive reinforcement and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept such construct as program to exist within me, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the inherent limitation I have accepted as myself through the expectation for positive reinforcement and I haven't allowed myself to see the influence this construct has had on my life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to positive reinforcement as the positive feeling I would get when being positively reinforced, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within being addicted to positive reinforcement, as with any addiction, I am not self directive because I will do anything as manipulation/deception to get the high positive energy, and will lash out on beings that don't supply my drug as positive reinforcement
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lash out at beings, in words or in my mind, for not giving me positive reinforcement as the drug I crave, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify the lashing out at others through the belief/desire they should give me positive reinforcement, and within that I have created a belief that they are going through a ego problem for not giving me the positive reinforcement I believe I deserve
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame beings that don't give me the positive reinforcement that I believe I require in order to define myself as positive, and within going into blame I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind as back chat compounding the blame and justification, instead of realizing that like any addict I am responding through/as the addiction and thus cannot be trusted until I detoxify all the drug out of my system, through not allowing myself to accept positive reinforcement until I am satisfied that I can stand stable without it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in my mind, spite/revenge beings when they do not supply me with the positive reinforcement I am expecting and within that to allow myself to be nasty in my thoughts within the justification that "they deserve it" for not giving me my drug, and besides "I am not harming anybody" because it's only in my mind, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate within self honesty the consequences of participating within/as thoughts and to simply allow myself to participate with them, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the direct outflow of my participation with spiteful/revengeful thoughts as lashing out towards the other being in my mind, as the direct outflow is my allowing and accepting myself to abuse through first allowing spiteful thoughts to then allow spiteful words and then spiteful deeds towards them disregarding them as life simply because they haven't supplied me with the "hit" of positive reinforcement I was looking for
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be positively reinforced instead of pushing myself to stand as self support and stability within not needing others to validate/confirm me because I would be stable within/as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be special and within that to expect everyone around me to be so impressed with me when I do things as I should, instead of looking at it within practicality as when things are done as they should be why would anything need to be mentioned, expecting a remark when I do things as I should implies that I do not expect myself to do as I should and that I expect my environment not to expect me to do as I should, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within the expectation to receive a positive reinforcement I am implying that I do not actually expect me to succeed in what I am doing, and thus within it hide a form of self belittlement, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive positive reinforcement as a positive construct of support and I haven't seen that within it there is an implication of diminishment as an initial expectation for failure and thus a surprise as support when succeed, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the deceptive nature within positive reinforcement as a construct to keep being within a self belief of not being good enough and thus require the positive reinforcement, instead of giving actual support as suggestions for improvement within an expectation for perfection
Self Commitment 
I commit myself to, through a process of writing myself out within self forgiveness and self corrective statements, to establish self trust within myself, within this I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath from relying on positive reinforcements to "tell" me who I am and within that to "know if I'm on the right track" but instead to know who I am as myself within self honesty
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself in search of external validation
I commit myself to stop the addiction to positive reinforcement through the realization that it is in fact a self diminishing construct and I will not allow myself to participate within it anymore, thus I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I see myself fall into the pattern of desire for positive reinforcement
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when and as I see myself go into thoughts/desires of being special/the center of the universe, within this I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself going into back chat as expectation/blame for not getting the positive reinforcement I believe I should get, within this I realize the extent programming I have accepted due to my participation within/as positive reinforcement and I commit myself to stop myself within giving others positive reinforcement because I see the destructive/abusive nature of such a construct
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself lashing out at other being, within words or in the mind, for not giving me positive reinforcement and instead I commit myself to see such points as a gift given to self by them, a gift that allows me to assess myself if/where I can expand my application more, as well as to see if the desire for positive reinforcement still exists within/as me, to notice that, and forgive myself within/as self support, within that I commit myself to practice gratefulness towards beings that do not give me positive reinforcement because through them I can see my addiction and walk through it
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath from participating within/as positive reinforcement, within this I commit myself to stop myself when/as I see myself going into manipulation to try and get positive reinforcement from those around me, when/as I see myself trying to get positive reinforcement I stop and breath, I bring myself back here, and remind myself that the positive feeling is an energetic experience as a drug to an addict and is not real as life, and thus I do not in fact require it, I commit myself to, through breath, bring myself here and prove to myself again and again that all I require is being here within breath.
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself giving others or about to give others positive reinforcement, I commit myself to find within/as myself the practical wording to actually support the being and not use positive reinforcement just because it feels nice, but to consider the other as well as myself and to stop myself from participating within the construct of positive reinforcement
I commit myself to through writing and practical common sense to learn how to support another as myself within stopping myself as the pattern of giving/desiring positive reinforcement and instead to focus on the practical physicality to direct any situation within support
I commit myself to investigate thoughts and the consequences of thoughts as to not allow myself to excuse myself from taking responsibility for my thoughts through the participation within ignorance as the excuse that "it's not harming anyone" without actually taking the time and walking the process of investigating all thoughts to be able to make that statement
I commit myself to stop myself from making assumptions without investigating the point for myself in fact, as the assumption of "thoughts can't hurt/harm anyone"
I commit myself, within realizing the direct outflow of thoughts being words/deeds, to stop myself within/as breath when and as I see myself participate within thoughts of spite/revenge towards others for not giving me the energetic high I wanted for my addiction of positive reinforcement
I commit myself to excellence and perfection, within this I commit myself to do things to the fullest and not allow myself to accept anything less than 100%, within this I realize the advantage of not getting positive reinforcement as it supports mediocrity as a form of saying "it's good enough". Thus I commit myself to stop myself within breath when I see myself accepting mediocrity as accepting from myself less than my full application according to the moment within common sense and self honesty
I commit myself to myself, I commit myself to establishing self trust through writing, self forgiveness, corrective statement and walking the correction within and as breath, day by day, breath by breath
Friday, September 28, 2012
this is a follow up to my previous blog: Day 43 - Signs of Depression
For me, my feeling/self belief of worthlessness comes up a lot through comparison and competition, I see around me very effective/successful human-beings, effective and successful through my perspective of course, and then I compare myself to them, I evaluate myself according to them, and more often than not I deem myself less than them, and thus worthless. Obviously, in order to create myself as self worthlessness I do not compare myself to just any one, I select a few that I perceive them to be effective/successful and judge myself according to them. And not even according to them but rather according to specific aspects of them, the specific aspects that I value and admire within them. I will judge myself in relation to these specific aspect within them, not allowing myself to see it is just specific aspects that I am looking at, but will perceive it to be the total definition of both them and myself, and then the result of this will be judging/defining myself as being worthless.
If I was a scientist, I would gave to say that my research is pre determined and bias - I do not have a fair representation of population and I am not considering the entity of the being, but only looking at specific aspects within them, from a starting point of looking for proof that I am worthless and that exactly what I will find.
Just like with the endless cycle, here too I am heading myself in for a fall, I am creating the experience of worthlessness to myself and by myself, and then I forget I have created it and believe it to be the truth. All this instead of stopping allowing myself to abuse myself within participating and recreating the cycle of worthlessness, and to accept myself as life within realizing that I am here, I am alive, and I am not actually really defined by the ideas/opinions/definitions I have attached to myself and the same goes for anybody else. Non of us are actually defined by anything except for being equal as life, that is the only definition that can stand the test of time, and that seams to be the only thing that has been overlooked.
I see now that depression is connected to the point of self worth, as long as I do not value myself as equal to/as life I will always find ways to prove to myself that I am worthless and within believing myself to be worthless I am excusing myself from actually participating and taking responsibility for myself as this world, I realize that as long as I keep comparing myself to others through defining our value according to our skills I will keep on trapping myself in the cycle of self worthlessness, until I stop. Stopping within the understanding that any form of self diminishing is indicating to me that I am not accepting myself as who I am as life, and is in fact an endless cycle that leads me further and further from myself as realizing myself as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within/as self worthlessness
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself as life, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to exist as life but instead I have allowed myself to exist as the mind within separation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trap myself in the cycle of worthlessness, not realizing that the cycle can only go on as long as I believe it, participate within it and thus create it, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to actually be worthless through accepting myself as worthlessness and I haven’t allowed myself to see that believing I am worthless is an illusion of the mind created through comparison as separation to keep me trapped within/as the mind to never realize myself as life
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I am creating myself as worthless through my participation within the cycle of worthlessness through believing myself to be worthless and thus within this belief, I do not apply myself, do not push myself to excellence only to prove myself right, and thus allow myself to actually be worthless through not applying myself within/as the physical to create a world worth living in and to create myself as a being that is worth living through valuing myself as life as all life and supporting all life within allowing myself to exist as dignity and integrity
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within participating within/as worthlessness to stop myself from actually doing all that needs to be done to create a world worth living in, a world that all life is equally worthy, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used the self belief of being worthless as a justification to not push myself and do all in my ability to actually live as self worth because I have believed my own creation of self worthlessness and thus gave up on myself as the world without even trying to do/change anything, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself as life and all life as one, and within that to do all I can do to be worthy of life through creating a life worth living to all
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have always been creating myself as worthlessness, and thus have always had the ability to stop myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as worthlessness within self diminishment as self abuse as not allowing myself to expand and express myself as life because I have allowed myself to limit myself within the belief of being worthless and thus did not allow myself to challenge that idea of myself through always proving me right by remaining worthless in my actions
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-value on my skills and abilities, and within that to evaluate myself according to others, thus to define myself as more or less according to whom I am comparing myself to, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as worthlessness through comparing myself to specific aspects/skills of others that I define better than me, and thus to intentionally compare myself to them to prove to myself my worthlessness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as worthless through comparing myself to others within finding points/aspects within them that they are better/more than me, and thus within looking at both of us through a very narrow lens that only sees this specific aspect I judge them as worthy and myself as worthless, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to use comparison as a tool for self support to, through other beings in my environment, see how I can expand myself further, but instead I have used it as a tool of self diminishment as believing myself to be worthless in comparison to others, and thus not allow myself to expand within equalizing myself to them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself (and others) as good/bad and worthy/worthless through grading myself in relation to specific skills/abilities/performances that I have defined as important/valuable and within that have not allowed myself to see me within the totality of myself as life, not as a list of skills/abilities but as a living being that is valuable through the mere fact of being alive, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value life unconditionally but have placed a condition as a list of skills/performances that one must exist as to deserve the right to live as worthy, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the extent of abuse that I am allowing within this construct, just as the world system that exist today that permits people a dignified life only within the condition of them being successful in the eyes of the system.
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself going into the character of worthlessness, because I have seen the deception and abusive nature of this character and thus I commit myself to stopping myself from accepting myself as this character
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself go into comparison, and to direct any point within me towards self support within changing my starting point from comparison as self diminishment into comparison as self expansion
When and as I see myself giving value to skills/performances I stop and breathe, I realize that all are equal as life unconditionally, life doesn't require any skill/performance to exist as life and thus I commit myself to show that any value system, creating a grading skill as worthy and not worthy, is the source of all abuse within the current system as we have forgotten that all are equally alive and thus are equally valuable and equally worthy to a dignified/supportive life
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